Extras s02e06 Episode Script
Jonathan Ross
When they get famous, they find a lot of temptations in their way, they drink and eat too much, they get invited to parties and so forth.
You know, weight can be a problem.
You look like you have always struggled with your weight.
Would I be right in that? It's not a struggle.
The more I eat, the fatter I get.
It's easy.
What are your ambitions? Obviously this's been a big hit for you.
A surprise hit, some would say.
But what're the ambitions you have above this? Do more of the same or branch out? I suppose I would like to do serious acting, I would like to do films.
Who would you like to meet, to work with? You don't know anyone.
I know most people in Hollywood.
I've interviewed Tom Cruise many times, I've interviewed Robert De Niro, all the greats.
Obviously, Robert De Niro is the greatest actor in the world, so I'd obviously like to work with him.
Alright, challenge accepted.
Challenge accepted.
De Niro.
I will hook you up with De Niro.
-You can get me De Niro? -Yeah, but lose some weight first.
Well done, that was great.
-Really? -You were fantastic.
Are you gonna stay for a drink? Wait for me in there.
I've gotta pop downstairs.
Don't go anywhere, I'd really love to chat.
Wait for me, I'll be a minute.
Is that your first chat show? You're not serious.
-I was nervous as well.
-It didn't show.
Oh, really? You were great.
Well, I mean, I've done loads.
Sorry, have you got a minute to talk to a big fan of yours from the audience? Joe, this is Andy.
Are you alright? Can I ask? Joe's getting into the hospital next week.
St Matthew's.
Maybe in for quite a long time.
Would you pop in and say hello? Would I? Can you pop in and visit him whilst he's in the hospital? I'm not sure what I'm doing, to be honest.
Give me your number and we can arrange something.
Yeah, if you call my agent Not your agent.
They fob you off, agents.
What's your mobile? I lost my mobile, I don't know where it is, at the moment.
It's in your pocket.
It's in my what? It's in your pocket.
I thought I'd looked there! Why didn't I look in there? Always look in the pocket.
Well done, kid.
What's your number? Mine? 0 7700 900 158.
I'll just ring you so I've got it in my No, that's the old one, that's the one I lost.
If you're gonna test it, it's 07-700-900-168.
Okay, I'll ring to confirm monday.
-I don't know if I can -You can make on monday.
It's half an hour.
Get a cab, you can afford it.
I know.
Six o'clock, St Matthew's? He's gonna be on the Parrot Ward, Neurology block.
On six o'clock.
See you at six.
Great, thank you very very much.
Say goodbye.
-Bit weird, innit? -Bit presumptuous.
No, I mean, it's weird she didn't ask me Knowing what I can do and how much joy I bring to people.
Maybe she didn't notice me.
-Maybe.
-Unlikely.
I think you've gotta notice Robert Lindsay in a room.
No, she probably saw me and thought, "I'd love to ask him first, being one of Britain's best loved actors, and let's not forget he can sing and dance, and he has won awards on Broadway, for Christ's sake.
" Nah, she I know what it was, she was intimidated.
And she caught bird in hand.
"I'll definitely get a yes from a nobody.
" Worried about this kid, aren't you? I'm worried about the kid.
Because if this so-called mother is making stupid mistakes like that, choosing you over me, then what other mistakes is she making? Is she screwing up his medication? I don't know.
Good luck.
Keep him laughing.
Cheers.
Would you like to come back for a nightcap? Yeah, I'd love to.
-Hiya.
Nice night? -Yes, lovely.
This is Maggie.
You live with your parents? If you two get up to anything tonight, can you keep the noise down, dear? We need to get up early tomorrow.
We're not gonna get up to anything.
I think Michael thinks you are.
I think he assumed that's why you're coming back here.
You don't want people saying you're a prick-tease, love.
Definitely not.
Girl like you, you're no spring chicken.
You must be sexually active.
You look like you know your way around.
Are you on contraception or do you want do borrow something? Are you on contraception? What kind? Just the pill.
The pill? Don't go on the pill, danger of thrombosis! I always use a cap, didn't I, dear? She does use a cap.
But sometimes I pop a johnny on as well.
-Just to be safe.
-Belt-and-braces.
We've got two sons, that's enough.
Now we want the fun without the responsability.
Doesn't have to penetrative sex either, of course.
Plenty of other things to do.
Sometimes you do everything but An orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm! Indeed.
Do you play at all? We should definitely have a go.
I haven't played for a while I can see that.
But I've got a court in my backyard.
I will knock you all over the place.
Actually I've got two courts.
Brilliant, thank you.
-Is that your wages? -No.
I've got two of these.
One in Japan, one in New York.
I'll set it up.
-Hello? -Hello, it's me.
What can I do for you? Nothing, I just phoned you for a chat.
Oh, god.
I've to tell you about this date that I've been on.
D'you have to tell me right now? Why, are you busy? I'm in the middle of something.
Alright, I'll call you later, then? Yeah, I don't know when I'll be finished, though.
It's all really snowed under.
I've gotta go.
I'll speak to you soon.
Alright, I'll speak to you tomorr That's my toy.
But this, it's his toy.
I had to buy this separately.
I love the fact that your toys have got toys.
Okay, so, how did you get on with the De Niro thing? -What's that? -For f I told you.
Jonathan Ross told me he's over here doing a film.
You said you'd get me an audition, make a few phone calls.
I've been looking into it.
It's tricky, 'cause all of these people are in L.
A So? You've got a phone! It's complicated though, it took me two days to realise they're 8 hours ahead.
-They're behind.
-Are they? That explains quite a lot.
-What time would it be over there? -It's four o'clock here.
So, eight hours You're going up.
-Five, six -You're still going up! No, that's down No, it's four o'clock here.
So, eight hours, eight o'clock! -That's four hours ahead.
-In the morning! -Suppose they get in at nine.
-Ten.
Have a cup of coffee -Add eight.
-To what? -Ten! -Ten.
Eighteen! What d'you mean, eighteen? No, add eight hours, of course.
-So call'em at six o'clock.
-Right.
Their time.
Our time! Yep.
And what time will it be over there? Ten? -At night? -In the morning! Forget it.
If I get on to Robert De Niro before you, you're fired.
Okay? I've outgrown you, I don't know what you're for.
Have another go.
But if I beat you to him, you're fired.
Alright? What're you doing here? Some more extra work, obviously.
That's where it's tight, there.
Andy, I've got to tell you about this date I went on with this guy.
To look at him, you would think that he was Mister Perfect.
Your dad? -What? -What'd you say, your dad? No, a date.
I said I went on a date.
Is this a really bad time? 'Cause I can easily come back and catch you That's better.
-on a later date.
-Whatever you did.
We should hook up, 'cause I've hardly seen you.
Well, not in the flesh.
I've seen you in the paper.
In fact Photograph of you here with your new best friend.
"Wossy takes fwiend for a wide".
That's at his house in Swanage.
That was a brilliant day.
We should go and get a cup of tea or something, some time.
Why don't you get it? No, not now.
I'm saying we should get together for a cup of tea.
If you do wanna hook up, and do me a favor at the same time, I've gotta go and see this sick kid on monday.
I don't know what to say to him.
If you're there I'll have someone to talk to.
Sure you want me? Sounds like you should be asking some hot date.
No.
That'd be awful.
No, you're great.
I'll buy myself a new dress, then.
Nothing.
Well, I'll leave you to it, then.
-Look at his face.
-Bye.
Why is he on a bike when he's got about five cars? You bastard! -Cut, cut! -Sorry.
The bucket fell off the thing.
Look who's here.
Do the catch-phrase! They've haven't sit down.
Now, the catch-phrase.
Are you having a laugh? Is she having a laugh? It's good those, very clever.
It's my friend Maggie.
What you been doing? Just laying here.
Comfy? It's pretty comfy, yeah.
And I'm on morphine, so I can't really feel anything.
Rather that than terrible pain.
-Are you his girlfriend? -No.
Just a friend.
What'd you have a friend who's a girl? Boring! They're usually boring, but because she's so stupid, that amuses me.
I'm not stupid.
She's very dim.
That looks like one of those things that you get a goldfish in at the fair.
-Could you keep a goldfish in there? -See? -Andy, can I have a word? -Yeah, sure.
Don't touch anything.
They're not toys.
You're a Chelsea fan? Can I just ask It's a very sensitive issue.
But if, heaven forbid, Joe did pass away Who's Joe? -Joe, my son.
-Oh no, sorry.
If he did pass away, would you say a few words at his funeral? I don't even wanna think about that.
-We have to think about it.
-I know.
It's something the whole family would really very much appreciate.
You know, knowing how much you mean to Joe and how much he means to you.
If you could tell me yes, you'd be happy to say a few words? I think he's gonna live a very long time.
He may not.
I know, but it's mad to hold someone to plans that far ahead.
We may even have as little as six months.
Yes, six months is a long time on my schedule, 'cause things change Can I just say that you promised you'd be there unless there's something litteraly impossible for you to get out of? Like filming or? Not a film, that's not important.
What do you consider a good enough excuse to get me out of this? Just so I don't bother you with like, "I can't make it because of this job" That's not an excuse.
What're we talking? What sort of Can we just talk later? Where is he? Ah, there he is.
There is the boy, look at his face! Dumbstruck.
I understand, it's okay.
You were expecting a one hit wonder.
And what do you get? Bloody british legend! I know you know me from "My Family", biggest and most popular sitcom in England, but did you know I'm a serious actor? Oh, yeah.
And I can sing and dance.
Make'em laugh, make'em laugh, don't you know that the world wants to laugh? My dad said, "Be an actor, my son" "But be a comical one, they'll be standing in lines" "While an old honkey-tonk monkey shines!" Gotta dance Broadway rythm, it's got me.
And we dance, oh the Broadway rythm, driving beating rythm It's the Broadway melody! Sorry, it's the morphine, I'm tired.
And I wasn't really enjoying it, to be honest.
Rude.
I'm not really into musicals.
So, what are you into? Comedies with catch-phrases like Andy's.
"Freedom for Tooting.
" "Power to the people.
" What's that? Your kid does not know comedy.
Sort it out, now.
"Citizen Smith", biggest sitcom of the seventies.
I wasn't born 'til 1993.
I wasn't born until 1949 but I know who Queen Victoria is.
For God's sake, something wrong with your brain? Right, you'll love this.
This anecdote has people on the floor at any function, any dinner party.
And it's not because they're drunk.
Because Richard E.
Grant loves this story and he doesn't even drink.
I'm on the set of GBH.
I'm in my trailer.
Knock on the door, guess who it is.
Come on, guess.
Alan Bleasdale.
-I don't know who that is.
-Oh, fuck off! Kid's a waste of space.
That was a nice surprise, wasn't it? That was interesting.
-D'you wanna go for a quick pint? -I can't tonight.
-Why, what're you doing? -I'm going to the Ivy restaurant.
You know Vernon Kay and Tess Daly? -They've invited me out for a meal.
-Why? Just want to hang out with me.
-Is there room for one more? -No, I think we're four, it's made up.
-Who's the fourth? -Jamie Theakston.
Nutter.
But I promise, I'm gonna visit the kid next week and -Brilliant.
-It's a date.
What's Theako gonna be like after a few beers? He's mental enough sober.
Guess You alright? -Is he here? -Yes.
I haven't got long, just wanna find out what's going on with this De Niro thing.
Did we have a meeting or? I don't remember planning anything.
-Were you masturbating? -Sorry, what? Were you masturbating when I came in? Sort of, yeah.
-Don't tell anyone.
-Why don't you lock the door? I should've locked the door, I didn't think ahead, I just The moment took me, I just crazy.
It wasn't anything weird.
Just so you know If you must know, it was the lady on the pen.
It just looks like a regular lady.
A nice attractive wearing a bathing costume, but when you turn it up the other way, then she's nude.
-You got my pen? -Yes, take your pen, please.
Were you having a wank? I was trying to have a quick one, but it's like Picadilly Circus in here! I didn't know.
I just walked in and he's It's your fault, for leaving your erotic material lying around.
If you leave that stuff about, what're you gonna do? Why didn't you have one before he came in? I did, thanks for asking, but I'm a very sexual being, if you must know.
And I produce an ungodly amount of.
.
Thank you.
-This is what I'm talking about.
-We haven't talked about this.
I didn't think I had to make a list of things you shouldn't do at work, one of them Tossing off over a pen.
Do you really you're earning your 12% by doing that sort of thing under the table? Nor do I.
So why am I paying you? That's it.
This is pathetic, really.
I gave you a chance to sort some out, and you'd rather be doing that.
-Don't Stop! -Look at that! God almighty.
As far as I'm concerned, you're fired.
That's it.
If you fire me, then you won't know anything about the Robert De Niro meeting I've set up.
You got me Robert De Niro? Yeah, next week.
What're you doing next monday? What time? -Six o'clock.
-Where? At his hotel.
Dorchester Hotel.
So next monday at six o'clock, at the Dorchester, I'm meeting De Niro.
-If he doesn't turn up, you're fired.
-If he doesn't, it's not my fault.
No, you've arranged it, so it's win-win for me.
Either he's there, I meet De Niro, Or I turn up and he's not there, and you're fired.
And I get a proper agent.
For fuck's sake.
Hi, you alright? I'm just on my way to the hospital I'm taking Operation I thought it seemed appropriate.
Look, I'm not gonna be able to make it later.
Oh.
What d'you mean? I've got a really important meeting.
What, at that exact time? -And no other time was available? -No, he couldn't do any other time.
-Who? -Robert De Niro.
-He couldn't do any other time? -Did you hear what I said? Robert De Niro wants to meet me.
It's just it's the only time I have to see you.
I'll move it, shall I? "Sorry Mr De Niro, I know you wanted to meet me, and you've been my hero all my life, but I'm meeting up with Maggie at a very specific time every week, it can't be moved.
" Alright.
I'm not having a go.
I'm just disappointed, that's all.
I can't move it, obviously not.
It's really important.
Sorry, I'll see you next week.
Knock knock.
-Hello.
How are you? -Good.
Bit of bad news, I'm afraid.
Andy can't make it.
He's got a really important meeting.
You're stuck with me.
But I brought you this, look.
Alright? Even though I'm a girl? -Nah, it's okay.
-Come on, then.
You set it up.
SORRY FOR NOT BEING SUPPORTIVE, GOOD LUCK WITH THE MEETING.
MAGGIE X You're so rubbish.
I hope my surgeon is gonna be better than you.
This is just a tiny wee thing I'm trying to get out here, from what I've overheard your tumor is massive.
So it'll be easy to get it out.
You know Very strange.
I'm sure he'll be here in a second.
It's very unusual for him to be late.
Have you ever driven a taxi for real? No.
I used to have that.
What're you doing here? -The meeting happened already? -I didn't go, I came here instead.
Why? You know, don't wanna let people down.
But that's madness, it's Robert De Niro.
I know.
-No, but that's madness! -What d'you mean? 'Cause it's Robert De Niro! This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! I thought you were upset Don't you turn it round to me.
-I got a text of you -Don't make me feel guilty! It made me feel good.
That's why That was supposed to be nice, encouraging.
-And it was.
-If you're going now Get a taxi! It might not be too late.
-It's Robert De Niro! -I know who it is.
Now I'll feel guilty for the rest of my life.
Don't make me feel bad for making you feel guilty.
But what if your career was down the pan? My career is already down the pan.
Now it's my turn to operate! He's dead.
You're a man of the world, you'll like this.
It's just an ordinary pen, so it seems.
With a picture of a lady on it, just in a bathing costume, just normal.
Turn upside down Oh, what's happened there? Nudie lady! "You're looking at me?" I am now! -It's good, isn't it? -Yeah.
-Where did you get this? -My friend Barry gave it to me.
Back on, nothing suspiscious.
Turn up the other way.
Oh, hang on, hello! -Can I have this? -D'you want it?Take it.
D'you wanna go for a pint? Oh, yeah.
-You're in a bad mood? -No, but hurry up.
Dead.
Dead.
-Dead.
-Stop picking me off! If you were hacking at him like that, he'd be dead.
It's Darren.
-What? -Hello mate, what happened to you? I'm still here with Mr Robert De Niro.
You with him now? Yeah, we're just cruising down to a club, come down, mate.
Can I bring Maggie? He wants to bring his friend, is that alright? -Who's that? -Friend of his.
Lady.
-The lady on the pen? -I wish! Yeah, sure.
All systems go, mate -Hold on.
-What're you doing after this? -Me? D'you wanna meet Robert De Niro? -Nah.
-Really? -I'm only joking.
Yeah! -Alright, then.
We'll find somewhere.
I'll text you the dets.
-See you later, mate.
-See you there.
-Really? -Amazing.
-Let's go.
-Now? -What about the game? -We can't just leave him.
We can.
Just give him an extra couple shots of morphine.
No, I'm joking.
Alright, who's go is it? -You have a go.
-Okay.
What would you rather do, right? No, listen.
Would you rather die a sad lonely bitter old man in a cold and empty flat, or if we're not with anyone in about five years time, just move in together? I know what you're trying to do, you're trying to make the first option sound the worst.
Why is it a cold flat? 'Cause you're too fat to get up and put the heater on.
I've got five years to decide.
Why's it taking you so long to think of the answer? Wanna keep my options.
I don't wanna commit.
He doesn't wanna see you, Robert.
Yes he does.
He does, 'cause I brought DVDs if "My Family".
Everyone like these.
No, I don't.
I prefer that edgy stuff on BBC2.
What are you, a critic?
You know, weight can be a problem.
You look like you have always struggled with your weight.
Would I be right in that? It's not a struggle.
The more I eat, the fatter I get.
It's easy.
What are your ambitions? Obviously this's been a big hit for you.
A surprise hit, some would say.
But what're the ambitions you have above this? Do more of the same or branch out? I suppose I would like to do serious acting, I would like to do films.
Who would you like to meet, to work with? You don't know anyone.
I know most people in Hollywood.
I've interviewed Tom Cruise many times, I've interviewed Robert De Niro, all the greats.
Obviously, Robert De Niro is the greatest actor in the world, so I'd obviously like to work with him.
Alright, challenge accepted.
Challenge accepted.
De Niro.
I will hook you up with De Niro.
-You can get me De Niro? -Yeah, but lose some weight first.
Well done, that was great.
-Really? -You were fantastic.
Are you gonna stay for a drink? Wait for me in there.
I've gotta pop downstairs.
Don't go anywhere, I'd really love to chat.
Wait for me, I'll be a minute.
Is that your first chat show? You're not serious.
-I was nervous as well.
-It didn't show.
Oh, really? You were great.
Well, I mean, I've done loads.
Sorry, have you got a minute to talk to a big fan of yours from the audience? Joe, this is Andy.
Are you alright? Can I ask? Joe's getting into the hospital next week.
St Matthew's.
Maybe in for quite a long time.
Would you pop in and say hello? Would I? Can you pop in and visit him whilst he's in the hospital? I'm not sure what I'm doing, to be honest.
Give me your number and we can arrange something.
Yeah, if you call my agent Not your agent.
They fob you off, agents.
What's your mobile? I lost my mobile, I don't know where it is, at the moment.
It's in your pocket.
It's in my what? It's in your pocket.
I thought I'd looked there! Why didn't I look in there? Always look in the pocket.
Well done, kid.
What's your number? Mine? 0 7700 900 158.
I'll just ring you so I've got it in my No, that's the old one, that's the one I lost.
If you're gonna test it, it's 07-700-900-168.
Okay, I'll ring to confirm monday.
-I don't know if I can -You can make on monday.
It's half an hour.
Get a cab, you can afford it.
I know.
Six o'clock, St Matthew's? He's gonna be on the Parrot Ward, Neurology block.
On six o'clock.
See you at six.
Great, thank you very very much.
Say goodbye.
-Bit weird, innit? -Bit presumptuous.
No, I mean, it's weird she didn't ask me Knowing what I can do and how much joy I bring to people.
Maybe she didn't notice me.
-Maybe.
-Unlikely.
I think you've gotta notice Robert Lindsay in a room.
No, she probably saw me and thought, "I'd love to ask him first, being one of Britain's best loved actors, and let's not forget he can sing and dance, and he has won awards on Broadway, for Christ's sake.
" Nah, she I know what it was, she was intimidated.
And she caught bird in hand.
"I'll definitely get a yes from a nobody.
" Worried about this kid, aren't you? I'm worried about the kid.
Because if this so-called mother is making stupid mistakes like that, choosing you over me, then what other mistakes is she making? Is she screwing up his medication? I don't know.
Good luck.
Keep him laughing.
Cheers.
Would you like to come back for a nightcap? Yeah, I'd love to.
-Hiya.
Nice night? -Yes, lovely.
This is Maggie.
You live with your parents? If you two get up to anything tonight, can you keep the noise down, dear? We need to get up early tomorrow.
We're not gonna get up to anything.
I think Michael thinks you are.
I think he assumed that's why you're coming back here.
You don't want people saying you're a prick-tease, love.
Definitely not.
Girl like you, you're no spring chicken.
You must be sexually active.
You look like you know your way around.
Are you on contraception or do you want do borrow something? Are you on contraception? What kind? Just the pill.
The pill? Don't go on the pill, danger of thrombosis! I always use a cap, didn't I, dear? She does use a cap.
But sometimes I pop a johnny on as well.
-Just to be safe.
-Belt-and-braces.
We've got two sons, that's enough.
Now we want the fun without the responsability.
Doesn't have to penetrative sex either, of course.
Plenty of other things to do.
Sometimes you do everything but An orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm! Indeed.
Do you play at all? We should definitely have a go.
I haven't played for a while I can see that.
But I've got a court in my backyard.
I will knock you all over the place.
Actually I've got two courts.
Brilliant, thank you.
-Is that your wages? -No.
I've got two of these.
One in Japan, one in New York.
I'll set it up.
-Hello? -Hello, it's me.
What can I do for you? Nothing, I just phoned you for a chat.
Oh, god.
I've to tell you about this date that I've been on.
D'you have to tell me right now? Why, are you busy? I'm in the middle of something.
Alright, I'll call you later, then? Yeah, I don't know when I'll be finished, though.
It's all really snowed under.
I've gotta go.
I'll speak to you soon.
Alright, I'll speak to you tomorr That's my toy.
But this, it's his toy.
I had to buy this separately.
I love the fact that your toys have got toys.
Okay, so, how did you get on with the De Niro thing? -What's that? -For f I told you.
Jonathan Ross told me he's over here doing a film.
You said you'd get me an audition, make a few phone calls.
I've been looking into it.
It's tricky, 'cause all of these people are in L.
A So? You've got a phone! It's complicated though, it took me two days to realise they're 8 hours ahead.
-They're behind.
-Are they? That explains quite a lot.
-What time would it be over there? -It's four o'clock here.
So, eight hours You're going up.
-Five, six -You're still going up! No, that's down No, it's four o'clock here.
So, eight hours, eight o'clock! -That's four hours ahead.
-In the morning! -Suppose they get in at nine.
-Ten.
Have a cup of coffee -Add eight.
-To what? -Ten! -Ten.
Eighteen! What d'you mean, eighteen? No, add eight hours, of course.
-So call'em at six o'clock.
-Right.
Their time.
Our time! Yep.
And what time will it be over there? Ten? -At night? -In the morning! Forget it.
If I get on to Robert De Niro before you, you're fired.
Okay? I've outgrown you, I don't know what you're for.
Have another go.
But if I beat you to him, you're fired.
Alright? What're you doing here? Some more extra work, obviously.
That's where it's tight, there.
Andy, I've got to tell you about this date I went on with this guy.
To look at him, you would think that he was Mister Perfect.
Your dad? -What? -What'd you say, your dad? No, a date.
I said I went on a date.
Is this a really bad time? 'Cause I can easily come back and catch you That's better.
-on a later date.
-Whatever you did.
We should hook up, 'cause I've hardly seen you.
Well, not in the flesh.
I've seen you in the paper.
In fact Photograph of you here with your new best friend.
"Wossy takes fwiend for a wide".
That's at his house in Swanage.
That was a brilliant day.
We should go and get a cup of tea or something, some time.
Why don't you get it? No, not now.
I'm saying we should get together for a cup of tea.
If you do wanna hook up, and do me a favor at the same time, I've gotta go and see this sick kid on monday.
I don't know what to say to him.
If you're there I'll have someone to talk to.
Sure you want me? Sounds like you should be asking some hot date.
No.
That'd be awful.
No, you're great.
I'll buy myself a new dress, then.
Nothing.
Well, I'll leave you to it, then.
-Look at his face.
-Bye.
Why is he on a bike when he's got about five cars? You bastard! -Cut, cut! -Sorry.
The bucket fell off the thing.
Look who's here.
Do the catch-phrase! They've haven't sit down.
Now, the catch-phrase.
Are you having a laugh? Is she having a laugh? It's good those, very clever.
It's my friend Maggie.
What you been doing? Just laying here.
Comfy? It's pretty comfy, yeah.
And I'm on morphine, so I can't really feel anything.
Rather that than terrible pain.
-Are you his girlfriend? -No.
Just a friend.
What'd you have a friend who's a girl? Boring! They're usually boring, but because she's so stupid, that amuses me.
I'm not stupid.
She's very dim.
That looks like one of those things that you get a goldfish in at the fair.
-Could you keep a goldfish in there? -See? -Andy, can I have a word? -Yeah, sure.
Don't touch anything.
They're not toys.
You're a Chelsea fan? Can I just ask It's a very sensitive issue.
But if, heaven forbid, Joe did pass away Who's Joe? -Joe, my son.
-Oh no, sorry.
If he did pass away, would you say a few words at his funeral? I don't even wanna think about that.
-We have to think about it.
-I know.
It's something the whole family would really very much appreciate.
You know, knowing how much you mean to Joe and how much he means to you.
If you could tell me yes, you'd be happy to say a few words? I think he's gonna live a very long time.
He may not.
I know, but it's mad to hold someone to plans that far ahead.
We may even have as little as six months.
Yes, six months is a long time on my schedule, 'cause things change Can I just say that you promised you'd be there unless there's something litteraly impossible for you to get out of? Like filming or? Not a film, that's not important.
What do you consider a good enough excuse to get me out of this? Just so I don't bother you with like, "I can't make it because of this job" That's not an excuse.
What're we talking? What sort of Can we just talk later? Where is he? Ah, there he is.
There is the boy, look at his face! Dumbstruck.
I understand, it's okay.
You were expecting a one hit wonder.
And what do you get? Bloody british legend! I know you know me from "My Family", biggest and most popular sitcom in England, but did you know I'm a serious actor? Oh, yeah.
And I can sing and dance.
Make'em laugh, make'em laugh, don't you know that the world wants to laugh? My dad said, "Be an actor, my son" "But be a comical one, they'll be standing in lines" "While an old honkey-tonk monkey shines!" Gotta dance Broadway rythm, it's got me.
And we dance, oh the Broadway rythm, driving beating rythm It's the Broadway melody! Sorry, it's the morphine, I'm tired.
And I wasn't really enjoying it, to be honest.
Rude.
I'm not really into musicals.
So, what are you into? Comedies with catch-phrases like Andy's.
"Freedom for Tooting.
" "Power to the people.
" What's that? Your kid does not know comedy.
Sort it out, now.
"Citizen Smith", biggest sitcom of the seventies.
I wasn't born 'til 1993.
I wasn't born until 1949 but I know who Queen Victoria is.
For God's sake, something wrong with your brain? Right, you'll love this.
This anecdote has people on the floor at any function, any dinner party.
And it's not because they're drunk.
Because Richard E.
Grant loves this story and he doesn't even drink.
I'm on the set of GBH.
I'm in my trailer.
Knock on the door, guess who it is.
Come on, guess.
Alan Bleasdale.
-I don't know who that is.
-Oh, fuck off! Kid's a waste of space.
That was a nice surprise, wasn't it? That was interesting.
-D'you wanna go for a quick pint? -I can't tonight.
-Why, what're you doing? -I'm going to the Ivy restaurant.
You know Vernon Kay and Tess Daly? -They've invited me out for a meal.
-Why? Just want to hang out with me.
-Is there room for one more? -No, I think we're four, it's made up.
-Who's the fourth? -Jamie Theakston.
Nutter.
But I promise, I'm gonna visit the kid next week and -Brilliant.
-It's a date.
What's Theako gonna be like after a few beers? He's mental enough sober.
Guess You alright? -Is he here? -Yes.
I haven't got long, just wanna find out what's going on with this De Niro thing.
Did we have a meeting or? I don't remember planning anything.
-Were you masturbating? -Sorry, what? Were you masturbating when I came in? Sort of, yeah.
-Don't tell anyone.
-Why don't you lock the door? I should've locked the door, I didn't think ahead, I just The moment took me, I just crazy.
It wasn't anything weird.
Just so you know If you must know, it was the lady on the pen.
It just looks like a regular lady.
A nice attractive wearing a bathing costume, but when you turn it up the other way, then she's nude.
-You got my pen? -Yes, take your pen, please.
Were you having a wank? I was trying to have a quick one, but it's like Picadilly Circus in here! I didn't know.
I just walked in and he's It's your fault, for leaving your erotic material lying around.
If you leave that stuff about, what're you gonna do? Why didn't you have one before he came in? I did, thanks for asking, but I'm a very sexual being, if you must know.
And I produce an ungodly amount of.
.
Thank you.
-This is what I'm talking about.
-We haven't talked about this.
I didn't think I had to make a list of things you shouldn't do at work, one of them Tossing off over a pen.
Do you really you're earning your 12% by doing that sort of thing under the table? Nor do I.
So why am I paying you? That's it.
This is pathetic, really.
I gave you a chance to sort some out, and you'd rather be doing that.
-Don't Stop! -Look at that! God almighty.
As far as I'm concerned, you're fired.
That's it.
If you fire me, then you won't know anything about the Robert De Niro meeting I've set up.
You got me Robert De Niro? Yeah, next week.
What're you doing next monday? What time? -Six o'clock.
-Where? At his hotel.
Dorchester Hotel.
So next monday at six o'clock, at the Dorchester, I'm meeting De Niro.
-If he doesn't turn up, you're fired.
-If he doesn't, it's not my fault.
No, you've arranged it, so it's win-win for me.
Either he's there, I meet De Niro, Or I turn up and he's not there, and you're fired.
And I get a proper agent.
For fuck's sake.
Hi, you alright? I'm just on my way to the hospital I'm taking Operation I thought it seemed appropriate.
Look, I'm not gonna be able to make it later.
Oh.
What d'you mean? I've got a really important meeting.
What, at that exact time? -And no other time was available? -No, he couldn't do any other time.
-Who? -Robert De Niro.
-He couldn't do any other time? -Did you hear what I said? Robert De Niro wants to meet me.
It's just it's the only time I have to see you.
I'll move it, shall I? "Sorry Mr De Niro, I know you wanted to meet me, and you've been my hero all my life, but I'm meeting up with Maggie at a very specific time every week, it can't be moved.
" Alright.
I'm not having a go.
I'm just disappointed, that's all.
I can't move it, obviously not.
It's really important.
Sorry, I'll see you next week.
Knock knock.
-Hello.
How are you? -Good.
Bit of bad news, I'm afraid.
Andy can't make it.
He's got a really important meeting.
You're stuck with me.
But I brought you this, look.
Alright? Even though I'm a girl? -Nah, it's okay.
-Come on, then.
You set it up.
SORRY FOR NOT BEING SUPPORTIVE, GOOD LUCK WITH THE MEETING.
MAGGIE X You're so rubbish.
I hope my surgeon is gonna be better than you.
This is just a tiny wee thing I'm trying to get out here, from what I've overheard your tumor is massive.
So it'll be easy to get it out.
You know Very strange.
I'm sure he'll be here in a second.
It's very unusual for him to be late.
Have you ever driven a taxi for real? No.
I used to have that.
What're you doing here? -The meeting happened already? -I didn't go, I came here instead.
Why? You know, don't wanna let people down.
But that's madness, it's Robert De Niro.
I know.
-No, but that's madness! -What d'you mean? 'Cause it's Robert De Niro! This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! I thought you were upset Don't you turn it round to me.
-I got a text of you -Don't make me feel guilty! It made me feel good.
That's why That was supposed to be nice, encouraging.
-And it was.
-If you're going now Get a taxi! It might not be too late.
-It's Robert De Niro! -I know who it is.
Now I'll feel guilty for the rest of my life.
Don't make me feel bad for making you feel guilty.
But what if your career was down the pan? My career is already down the pan.
Now it's my turn to operate! He's dead.
You're a man of the world, you'll like this.
It's just an ordinary pen, so it seems.
With a picture of a lady on it, just in a bathing costume, just normal.
Turn upside down Oh, what's happened there? Nudie lady! "You're looking at me?" I am now! -It's good, isn't it? -Yeah.
-Where did you get this? -My friend Barry gave it to me.
Back on, nothing suspiscious.
Turn up the other way.
Oh, hang on, hello! -Can I have this? -D'you want it?Take it.
D'you wanna go for a pint? Oh, yeah.
-You're in a bad mood? -No, but hurry up.
Dead.
Dead.
-Dead.
-Stop picking me off! If you were hacking at him like that, he'd be dead.
It's Darren.
-What? -Hello mate, what happened to you? I'm still here with Mr Robert De Niro.
You with him now? Yeah, we're just cruising down to a club, come down, mate.
Can I bring Maggie? He wants to bring his friend, is that alright? -Who's that? -Friend of his.
Lady.
-The lady on the pen? -I wish! Yeah, sure.
All systems go, mate -Hold on.
-What're you doing after this? -Me? D'you wanna meet Robert De Niro? -Nah.
-Really? -I'm only joking.
Yeah! -Alright, then.
We'll find somewhere.
I'll text you the dets.
-See you later, mate.
-See you there.
-Really? -Amazing.
-Let's go.
-Now? -What about the game? -We can't just leave him.
We can.
Just give him an extra couple shots of morphine.
No, I'm joking.
Alright, who's go is it? -You have a go.
-Okay.
What would you rather do, right? No, listen.
Would you rather die a sad lonely bitter old man in a cold and empty flat, or if we're not with anyone in about five years time, just move in together? I know what you're trying to do, you're trying to make the first option sound the worst.
Why is it a cold flat? 'Cause you're too fat to get up and put the heater on.
I've got five years to decide.
Why's it taking you so long to think of the answer? Wanna keep my options.
I don't wanna commit.
He doesn't wanna see you, Robert.
Yes he does.
He does, 'cause I brought DVDs if "My Family".
Everyone like these.
No, I don't.
I prefer that edgy stuff on BBC2.
What are you, a critic?