Father Ted s02e06 Episode Script

Ted! Ted, quick! It's Father Ben! Oh, great.
I love this.
'God, Ben, I'm such an eejit.
'I've put the shorts on me head!' 'God Almighty, Brendan.
You're a big fool.
' This isthis is really top-notch stuff.
That Brendan's an eejit.
I know someone just like Ben.
Big thicko! (Helicopter) (Crash) (Man ) Come on, you two.
Nearly there.
(Woman ) It's a bit creepy.
(Man ) There's nothing that could harm (Twig snaps ) Ah.
There he is now, anyway.
- He's great, isn't he? - He is.
- Does he have a name? - The pet shop didn't mention one.
I dunno How about "Ted"? That's a good name for a rabbit.
That's not a good idea.
You're forgetting I'm called Ted.
I could call you Father Ted.
No.
You'll have to come up with something a bit more original.
- Hello, Fathers.
- (Both) Hello, Mrs Doyle.
How about "Mrs Doyle"? Mrs Doyle is not a good name for a rabbit.
Something like "Popsy" or "Bruce".
Oh, right.
Wait, I've got one.
You see the way he's got big, floppy ears? Yeah.
Why don't we call him "Father Jack Hackett"? Perfect.
Father Jack it is.
- What?! - Nothing.
Dougal's named his rabbit.
- What?! - You all right, Father Jack? - What?! - No.
He's talking to the rabbit.
- What?! - Father Jack wants a drink.
Drink! Drink! - Give him some water.
- Water! Feck! Dougal, this is getting far too confusing.
I'm used to calling him Father Jack.
Call Father Jack something else.
Great.
What'll we call him? Flipper.
Flipper the Priest.
Yes? - Dougal, this is not going to work.
- (Phone ) - 'Father Crilly speaking.
' - Crilly, it's Bishop Brennan.
Oh, feck! What? (French accent) Who is this? There is no Crilly 'ere.
God, I just said "feck" to Bishop Brennan.
He won't like that.
It's Ok, I put on an accent so he'll think he had the wrong number.
(Phone ) - 'Crilly.
' - Hello, Bishop Brennan.
I think you got the wrong number there.
Shut up, Crilly.
Shut up.
I'll make this quick.
What would the following words suggest to you? "Jack", "sleepwalking" and "bollock-naked"? Oh, no! This is the third time in the last six months.
You may have heard of Brian Noonan, a very important Junior Minister, and a personal friend.
And the last thing he and his family needs to see is the vision of an elderly priest wearing only socks and a hat.
I'll be round on Thursday to examine security arrangements.
- And Crilly? - Yes? If you ever try to bullshit me like that again, I will rip off your arms.
Bishop Brennan's coming to have a word, Father, - about your nude sleepwalking.
- Nudie Father Jack! Can you think why you might be doing that? You're not having any doubts about your vocation? - What?! - You can share problems with us.
We'll always listen.
Right, Dougal? Absolutely.
D'you want to talk about it now? Well, Ted - Byker Grove.
God, yes.
After Byker Grove.
Go on, there.
Go on, boy.
Fetch! Go on.
Go on.
Come on, don't let Bishop Brennan see him.
- He might like him.
- No, he doesn't like rabbits.
- Why not? - It's a strange story.
Ten years ago he got trapped in a lift with 20 rabbits.
They started nibbling his cape.
How did they get in? They must've burrowed in.
You know rabbits.
- God, he can move fast enough.
- Why d'you say that? He just shot across the floor.
Wait That's your rabbit.
- Yeah.
- Where did this one come from? There's another one on Jack's head.
Make sure your rabbit doesn't get mixed up with these.
- Come on, Sampras.
- What did you call him? Sampras.
Like Pete Sampras.
Why? You know - rabbits, tennis - that whole connection.
Oh, right.
We'll just release these spare ones into the wild, Ok? Look at him without any other rabbits for company.
He must feel like Brian k eenan after they took John McCarthy away.
Anyway, he'll get used to it.
Morning, Father.
Bills, bills, more bills.
- Morning, Ted.
- Morning, Dougal.
What'll we do today? Hide your rabbit before Bishop Brennan comes.
He'd go mad if he thought there's rabbit around.
- Fair enough.
- I hope he's in a good mood.
Len can be very scary when When (Screams ) - What's wrong, Ted? - Rabbits! Rabbits? Where? Oh, wow! (Ted) Where did these ones come from? God, it's like a big rabbit rock festival.
I suppose we'll just have to get used to it.
"Get used to it?" We have to get them out of here! - I'll ring the shop.
- No, it was a travelling pet shop.
They won't be back till spring.
God! What are we gonna do? There is actually something we can do, Ted.
If we Let me see now.
Just wait a second.
- I know.
I've got it.
- What? Now, the way I see it is if we Wait a second.
What's the problem again? - The rabbits! - Rabbits, yes.
Sorry about that.
I know exactly what to do.
Give them to Father Larry Duff.
Right! He's always going on about how he'd love to have a few rabbits! I used to think it was just a mad thing to say.
(Ringing) - 'Hello, Larry?' - Hello, Ted.
How's it hangin'? It's hanging fine.
I've a bit of a problem.
Remember you were looking for a few rabbits? I do, Ted.
That's one of my all-time fantasies.
I'd love to have a few hundred rabbits running all over the place.
Well, today's your lucky day.
We've got loads of the things! Sorry, Ted.
I won't be able to take them.
- Why not, Larry? - I gave up on the rabbits idea.
It just seemed too far-fetched.
So I got 12 Rottweilers instead.
I'd love to take the rabbits only I'd be afraid the Rottweilers might upset them.
- Yes, Larry.
I understand.
Bye.
- Ah, bye, Ted.
Oh, you're a bad dog.
Don't you look at me like that.
- (Growling and snarling) - You're a very bad dog.
(Snarling and barking) He can't take the rabbits.
He's got 12 Rottweilers.
- Hey! Hey! Hey, you! - Yes, Father? (Stuttering) Rats! Yes, Father, we can see them as well.
Hairy Japanese bastards! D'you know what this is like? A plague, a big rabbit plague.
I wonder if God is punishing us.
Maybe because I said "feck" to Bishop Brennan.
If he'd send a plague of rabbits for that, what'll he do about that money you stole from that charity? Dougal, that money was just resting in my account before I moved it on! - Ted - It was a non-profit making Ted! The bunnies are gone! - Where did they go? - I think they followed Father Jack.
Amazing.
I always thought Father Jack gave off a furry smell.
Maybe they think he's a rabbit god.
So if we keep Jack out of the way But Bishop Brennan's coming to see Jack.
We'll have to get rid of them.
You know Paddy Jordan, works at the greyhound track? - Oh, yes.
- Get me his number.
I've an idea.
(Buzzer) (Banging) Come on! Get out of it! Shoo! Shoo! Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer the greyhounds-pursuing-rabbits approach.
It was just a thought.
I'll go and give Tom a call.
- He might be able to help.
- Coming, Father? No.
I've £10 riding on that little beauty.
Come on, Eamonn! Come on, Eamonn! Come on, Eamonn! (Buzzer) - 'Who's that? Go away!' - Ah, Tom, it's just us.
'Right, Father.
Come on down.
' Tom knows about this type of thing.
He'll help us.
- Hello, Fathers.
- Hello, Tom.
- Something to eat? A salad? - No, thanks.
Some other time.
You've a few rabbits for me? - Yes, in the car.
- With you in a moment.
What's Tom going to do again? He just said he'd take care of them.
Probably collect them together somewhere safe.
- So he'll just look after them? - (Clattering) I think he'll put them in a pen where they can play.
(Chainsaw roaring) .
.
so there'll be nothing to worry about.
(Dougal) That puts my mind to rest.
- There he is.
- Right, Father.
Let's get to it.
That's an impressive sword.
Where will you put the rabbits? - In the vice, Father.
- In the vice? I've been practising with this toy one.
First you stun it, right? Then you put it in the vice.
Grab his legs there, Father.
Er, Tom, you know the phrase "to take care of something"? Yes, Father.
I realise now that you meant that in a sort of Al Pacino way whereas I was thinking more along the lines of Julie Andrews.
They won't feel a thing.
- No.
- You can have a go if you want.
No, no, Tom.
It's a bit cruel.
I could run 'em down in me van.
- Dougal, we'd better be off.
- What's the problem, Ted? Have you nothing I can kill? Sorry about that, Tom.
Ah, feck it! Feck it anyway! (Ted) Run, Dougal.
Run quite fast! (Ted) I'm sure it won't happen again.
(Brennan ) It better not.
Priests walking about in the nude is the last thing that we need.
(Giggles ) Yes.
And as you can see, we've installed a new closed-circuit camera.
And added a few modifications to Jack's bed.
Ah, yes.
Yes.
Now, this is new, isn't it? Combined with the spikes, escape is almost impossible.
And new pyjamas - very easy to put on, very hard to get off so that's the nudity sorted.
And, eh, you have the Ah, yes.
The rope.
(Chuckles ) I'd like to see him chew through that.
Again.
In the event of him getting out, we have this tracking device.
That cost £50.
Could we get that back from the diocese? Just joking! - Ah, hello, Len.
- Don't call me Len.
I'm a bishop.
- "Your Grace" is more appropriate.
- Oh, right.
Hello.
Anyway Yet again, I am dragged away from my warm fireside to come and deal with the cast of Police Academy.
You behave yourself now, Jack.
You listening, Jack? No! - Drink, your Grace? - A small one, please.
I'll just Would you like ice with it? A drop of soda? I'll just get the glasses.
- (Jack) Feck off! - (Punch) - A cup of tea, your Grace? - Time for dinny-poos! Thanks very much, Mrs Doyle.
That'll be grand.
Mm! Oh, there you are, Bishop Brennan.
I thought I should tell you, your car is parked outside.
I know it is.
I parked it myself.
The tyres look a bit flat.
I could blow them up with the pump.
- No! - What kind of air do you put in? We've got ordinary or That's all we have.
If you're looking for the wipers, they're in the kitchen.
What? They looked like they needed a wash.
Only trouble is, I broke the side window while I was snapping them off.
Leave my car alone and don't touch it again.
Just one question, your Grace.
- Is your car diesel or petrol? - Leave it alone, Mrs Doyle.
No, no, no.
This is just curiosity, your Grace.
- Diesel or? - Diesel! It's diesel! - So it's not petrol.
- No, it's not petrol.
It'd do terrible damage if I put petrol in? Yes.
It would completely ruin the car's engine.
Well (Laughs hysterically) I certainly won't do that, then! You must clock up a fair old mileage, going round the diocese, doing the old bishop sort of Crilly, Crilly, where is my room? Well, er, yours is the spare room, your Grace.
It's the first on the right.
Er This lettuce No, thanks.
I've already had some.
You take it.
No, Crilly.
Crilly, I mean this lettuce - where did it come from? You don't have rabbits, do you? No! God, no! I don't like them at all.
I had an experience once with some.
They got into a lift with me and started to nibble my cape You've absolutely nothing to worry about, your Grace.
That's just where we, um where we growthe lettuce.
You-you grow lettuce indoorsin a cage? Yes, it's safer, you know.
No one can steal it and, uh Well, you know, it brightens up the room.
Uh-huh.
Hmm.
Er Crilly, what is this? That's, um caviar.
Caviar? It's not every day we have a bishop round so we thought we'd get the caviar out.
Right, so you've spread caviar down there so I can get down on my knees and eat off the floor?! Yes.
What d'you think I am, a pony? I'm going to my bed.
- Where are they? - The bunnies? Ah-ha.
Somewhere really safe, Ted.
God - Where would that be? - Guess.
It's almost the type of place you wouldn't even think of.
God, II dunno.
That small room behind the kitchen? The coal cellar? - I've got it.
The shed! - No, it's not the shed.
Come on, where's the last place you'd think I'd put them? The last place I'd think you'd put them would be W-would actually be - Bishop Brennan's room.
- Bingo! Think about it, it's the last place he'd expect to find them! His room! He'd never look there! Your Grace! Your Grace! - Your Grace, Your Grace! - What is it now?! I just wanted to say, the whole bishop thing, fair play to ya! You probably get a lot of this, but well done.
Who'd have thought somebody from Limerick would get this far? The other priests from the seminary must feel pretty sick.
They must be looking at the TV and going, "How did that awful eejit get to be a bishop?!" Not me, I always felt you have a sort of a bishopy air about you.
I'd just like to say - can I shake your hand? - well done! Crilly, come here.
I hate you.
So all that means absolutely nothing to me.
Oh, I'm falling down the stairs! (Yells) Crilly, what happened?! (Ted) I just fell down the stairs there.
Are you injured? I don't know My arm I can't move Do you want somebody to call an ambulance? No, I'll just lie here for a while.
Rest is probably the best thing for me, now.
Did you see that documentary about Hiroshima? Who'd think an atomic bomb could do so much damage? I'm going to bed! I'm all right, Bishop.
I'm fine now, thanks.
Phew! (Dougal) Ted, did Len find the rabbits? What did he say? I better tell you Did he call me Len again?! You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks! (Dougal) Sorry, Bishop Len Brennan.
- What is he on about now? - God knows.
What are ye on about, you big eejit? - Did he find the rabbits? - Shut up, Dougal! Your Grace, your Grace! May I go in first? - Why? - All the other toilets are broken.
- Oh, it's just number ones.
- I don't want to know! Oh, I needed that.
But there's no toilet in here! Dougal, they're not in there! - Are they not? - No, that is a rabbit-free area.
I definitely put them in there.
Jack's room.
Maybe they smelled him and had to see him one last time.
You might be putting that in an over-romantic way, but come on! God, Dougal, you're right.
But how did they get in? They must have burrowed in.
You know rabbits.
We've got to get them out and as far away as possible! Why not leave them here? I can't relax till the only rabbit left is the one sitting in your head working the controls! God, Ted, there's loads more in here.
Look at this one! Doesn't he look like that fella, Harvey k eitel? God, Dougal, how could a rabbit look like God Almighty! It's the spitting image of him! (Ted) Anyway, we haven't time for things like that.
(Dougal) Go on, lads, go on.
In, in (Jack breathing heavily) Ted, the bunnies are gone.
Oh, God! Where's Jack?! Oh, my God! Not the Bishop's room! Come on, Dougal! - (Dougal, get as many as you can.
) - (All right.
Come on, lads.
) - (Ted) Mind that one.
- (Brennan muttering) Just a bad dream, your Grace.
Over in a mo.
Oh, right.
(Screaming)