Flight of the Conchords s02e06 Episode Script

Jemaine, who am I? - "Do it now!" - Your mom.
Okay, who am I? "Oh, hello, Bret.
" - That's my mom.
- Oh yeah.
Okay, who's this? Aaah! Aaah.
Victoria.
- Victoria? - Victoria, yeah.
- Victoria who? - Bartosh.
Oh, yes.
That sounds like her.
Who am I this time? - Charlie! - Who's that? - Charlie! Charlie! - Oh.
Oh.
I've got a cramp.
You guys haven't seen a dog running through here, have you? - A dog? - What kind of dog is it? It's a yorkshire terrier.
His name's Charlie.
- Just a four-legged kind of - he can't have gone far.
On foot? Yes, we had a disagreement and he ran out.
I'm just really worried.
He has canine epilepsy.
- Terrible affliction.
- Poor Charlie.
I'm Barbara, by the way.
- Jemaine.
- Bret.
Great.
Well, if you see him, I'll be walking around.
- So, um, thanks.
- Yeah, okay.
Thank you very much.
Okay, bye.
I think I've fallen in love with a girl, I'm serious that's great news, Bret tell me about that girl that's so serious well, I don't really know her that don't sound so serious it's serious, I'm delirious - sounds serious - yeah that's cool, I met a new girl too - have you? - yeah one of those girls you met on the net? - no, we really met - that's great news what's she like? What does she do? all I know, dawg, is that she's careless with her dog I'm not sure what she does, except she makes me want her she makes me want to get on top of her that sounds great, man, that sounds great - hey, wait - what? maybe I'm crazy, but when did you meet this lady? - just then - when? - then, right then - right then? - where? - there - over there? - over there - over there there? - over there there then - just now? - just now how's you meet your lady? I was going for a jog and she w a dog I was running in the air, she lost a terrier was this about no, about whoa whoa, oh no - oh no - oh no, oh no no no what? are you thinking what I'm thinking? no, I'm thinking what I'm thinking so you're not thinking what I'm thinking? no, 'cause you're thinking I'm thinking what you're thinking are you talking about a girl - with a beautiful smile? - yeah - like strawberry wine? - yeah yeah - blueberry tracksuit pants - white chocolate skin - and socks? - that sounds like her hang on a minute, stop the track Eugene, stop the track do you mean the girl who came up to us when we were running in the park just now and she was looking for her epileptic dog? yeah, that's the girl - was her name brahbrah? - no, I think it was Barbara - her name was brahbrah - it was Barbara there's no such name as brahbrah - it's brahbrah - it's Barbara - it was brahbrah - Barbara - brahbrah, brahbrah - Barbara, Barbara Bret, she was looking at me no, she was looking at me Bret, she was looking at me she had her eye on my knee dawg, I'm sorry, she had her eye on my guns oh, you're loco, she was checking out my buns no, bro, she had an eye on me she had an eye on me how could she have an eye on both of us? wait a minute, you talking about the girl with the lazy eye? I think she might have had a slightly lazy eye we're both in love with the sexy lady with the eye that's lazy the girl that's fly with the wonky eye she's smoking with an eye that's broken I think it's hot the way she looks left a lot - yeah yeah - yeah yeah we're both in love with the sexy lady with the eye that's lazy the girl that's fly with the wonky eye no no, that's not him.
- What about this one? - No.
- What about this one here? Charlie.
- No.
You see this one? He seems to recognize you.
Nope, that's not him.
That's him.
No? It's not him? - None of these are him.
- You don't want these ones? You know what? If I don't find Charlie or you can have all of these ones.
You guys are so sweet.
Thank you so much.
- No problem.
- Where did you get all these dogs? - Just people had them.
- These are just lost terriers.
- Oh.
- So I grabbed them.
- I thought, "oh, they might be Charlie.
" - I just got these.
- Right.
Thank you, to both of you.
- Just helping you out.
- Oh, I ha a picture of ch.
- That would help, yeah.
- That's Charlie.
- Oh, cute.
All right, so he's more of a cat than a dog.
No no.
He's in a kitten costume.
It was for a party.
- Oh right, a halloween party.
- That's really cute.
No, it was a kitten party.
They didn't allow dogs.
You dressed your dog as a cat? Yeah, no dogs allowed, so it was the only way I could sneak him in.
- It's a great disguise - thanks.
Oh, you know what? Let me give you my number just in case.
- That would be great.
- Is that okay? - We'll grab some dinner or something.
- Great.
- Just call me anytime.
- Yeah, okay.
- Okay.
- Great to see you.
- Thanks, bye.
- See ya.
All right, just some notes from the last gig.
- Jemaine, you had great stage presence.
- Thank you.
Fantastic.
Bret no stage presence, unfortunately.
The last gig? I didn't do that gig, exactly.
Okay, you've got to turn up to the gig.
Yeah, well, that's not really stage presence.
- Where were you? - I was at jazzercise.
- Jazzercise? - I told you I couldn't come to that gig.
What are you organizing your jazzercise events for during gig times? Yeah, that was a bit of a clash.
It doesn't normally happen.
You should organize your jazzercise for a different day.
Is it because you've already paid for your membership and you've got these classes sorted? Yeah, I paid for five and I got six classes.
And you've got to go to them? Okay.
- So why aren't you going to these classes? - We had a gig, didn't we? Of course.
That's why he's not there.
I know.
It's a shame, 'cause he would love it.
It's a shame that they clash, because these classes sound fun.
Okay, item two.
This is the final item here.
Song ideas.
- Yes, I've had a song idea.
- Oh, yes.
- Have you? - I have, yup.
- Both of you? - Yes.
Wow.
That time of the year again.
Let's have a look.
Now two years ago we had Jemaine forest.
You had a forest idea.
- Don't remember.
- And Bret - "I wish I was a tree.
" - Yeah, still working on that.
Quite similar to the forest idea.
And then last year sailing from you, Jemaine.
No, still finishing that one.
Yeah? It's been nearly a year now.
- Well, I don't know anything about sailing.
- Okay.
Bret, nothing from you last year.
- I didn't do much last year.
- Yeah? It's good to have you back onboard this year with an idea.
- So what is it? - It's a song about pepileptic dogs.
- Epileptic dogs.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Mine's about dogs with epilepsy.
So you're both writing songs about epileptic dogs? Well, either way you look at it it's quite a complicated subject, isn't it? - Well, it's - why don't you stick to your sailing idea? - Yeah.
- By the way, if you're gonna have two songs this year, which is great, why don't you have two different songs? You've got epileptic dogs, Bret, why don't you try something different? - Well, because - how about sailing dogs? This is something I care about.
- I want to get this message out there.
- Risky.
Just to let you know, the top bands, they have their songs here and their political messages over here.
Okay? Not together.
'Cause then you'll end up alienating half your fan base.
Yeah, but we're trying to raise awareness for these poor epileptic dogs.
My point is, if you were to say record a song that was anti-aids, for example, then you'd end up alienating all those people that are pro-aids.
How many people do you know who are pro-aids? No one's pro-aids.
Greg, just a quick question, please.
Greg, are you pro or anti-aids? - Anti.
- Anti? Okay, can you do a quick whiz around the office and just see if anyone's pro? All right, do you want me to anybody pro-aids? I think you'll find most people are anti-aids.
Well, he's that's one.
One for anti.
- What would you be? - I would be anti-aids.
Okay.
You'd be pro, would you? - I'm anti.
- You're anti? Well, we don't have time to do a proper survey now.
Let's not get all bogged down on aids.
- What were we talking about? - Epileptic dogs.
- Oh yeah, right.
- A charity recording.
Well, if toby ever had that, I'd like to think that I tried my best for him.
You know? So maybe we should do this.
Yeah? - Yes.
Let's do it.
- Let's do it to it.
there's a dog named Charlie a little lady who missed him Charlie had a little disorder of his nervous system, talking about the thyroid ooh if your little dog's problems continue to persist then you may wish to see a canine neurologist I'm talking about canine pepilepsy hello, Bret speaking.
Hey, brahbrah.
Thanks for calling back.
Yeah, I was just wondering if you might like to grab dinner sometime.
Okay, tonight? Cool.
Okay.
Yes.
Barbara, oh, hello.
Yeah, I was wondering if you'd like to get dinner around 7:00.
Oh, really? What are you doing? Could you get out of it? How about 8:00? That's perfect.
What about 7:30? Okay, 8:00.
All right.
Bye.
I brought some photos like I said I would.
This is Charlie in his cheerleading outfit.
Oh, that's cute.
Is he a good cheerleader? He's great.
He can make a c and an I with his body.
- So you tell me.
- Sounds good.
Oh, and this is Charlie in his pumpkin costume.
Halloween? - No, it was for a gourd party.
- Good.
Um, this is, um that's his enemy.
- He has an enemy? - Yes.
I am trying to find him.
- He goes by the name of señor.
- I'll keep an eye out for him - 'cause he could be an important lead.
- I'll find him.
Hey, brahbrah, did I tell you that I've written you a song? - No.
- I didn't? Yes, for you and also for Charlie.
It's about canine pepilepsy and how that, you know, affects dogs.
I just hope that it raises awareness.
That is amazing.
Is Jemaine working on it with you? - Who? - Jemaine.
Your friend.
The other guy.
- Oh, Jemaine? - Yeah.
Oh, probably not.
He seems like a really interesting guy.
Well, people think that, but he's not.
He seems smart too, with his glasses.
- Oh, you like the glasses? - Yeah.
Yeah, they make him look smart, but he's not smart.
He wears those because he has weak vision.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Hey, speak of the devil.
- As an angel might say.
Jemaine, you're 15 minutes early.
That's okay.
I'm fine with I'm just gonna wait.
I mean, I don't mind is Jemaine joins us.
I would prefer I'd just feel I've got 15 minutes left.
Well, we can spend 15 minutes together another time.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Okay, I'll see you again soon.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- See you again soon.
- Okay.
See ya, Bret.
I brought you flowers.
He seems so sweet.
So nice.
He must have been acting quite differently to the way he usually is.
He reminds me of like a little puppy.
He's hairy.
Well, his beard, but I mean, that's cute.
- You like the beard? - Yeah, I like it.
It's very kind of manly.
He reminds me more of a bearded lady.
Do you guys live together? Sorry, I didn't hear what you were just saying.
I was just thinking about this poor dog with a chronic condition that is characterized by recurrent seizures.
I think about that.
I'm writing a song to try and raise awareness.
Yes, Bret told me.
That's great.
But I'm also organizing a benefit to try and raise some money for these poor prophylactic dogs.
- Epileptic.
- Epileptic.
That's yay.
Yay.
Yeah, I mean, I've been there.
I have been there.
It's never easy when you've got two chicks into the same dude.
I'm talking about two guys that are into the same girl.
Whoa, what the fuck is that? I have never been there.
With me it's always been two or more - girls into the same guy.
- Right.
That guy being the Dave-atronic 5000.
- Yeah, what about what I'm talking about? - The other way around.
If there's two guys and one girl? Tell me about it.
I had the same situation once with my friend derek.
What did you do? Well, let's just say derek's no longer with us.
Oh.
- Um - right.
Did you no no no no.
He moved to arizona.
Oh, okay.
And what about the girl? She moved to arizona also.
But I think they moved to different parts.
It's one of the biggest states.
So you've just got to get the girl, Bret.
I mean, that's what you were put on this earth for.
- Yeah.
- To precreate.
- And what about for me? - Does she like either one of you more? - I think she likes me.
- Me.
Me.
- Bret.
- Hey.
Where you going? Jazzercise.
I thought we were gonna watch the dog show.
Can't do it.
Sorry, man.
Seems like an odd time for jazzercise.
Yeah, it's an impromptu jazzercise class.
- Doing it by yourself? - Me and a couple other guys.
Just you and a couple of guys from jazzercise, huh? Getting together and doing some impromptu jazzercise at night? Yes, what of it? Nothing.
- You seen my glasses? - No.
I had a shower and I left them in the sink.
They're probably in the sink.
Have you checked the sink? - Well, let me just check it.
- I'll see you later, man.
Bret, they're not in the sink.
- Bret, whoa.
- Hey, Mel.
Iook at you.
Oh wow.
I don't know what's going on, but can I tell you something? What? I cannot count how many times I've laid in bed wondering what a child of you and Jemaine might look like, but it looks something like this in my imagination.
Oh, I don't really want to know that.
- Can I take your picture? - No.
- See you, Mel.
- Bye.
Oh, whoops.
- Whoops.
- See you, Mel.
Mmm, yum.
So are you gonna be helping us with this benefit concert? I'm so excited about it.
- I want to, but I'm too busy.
- Oh.
I have some good news, actually.
I'm developing a vaccine for pepileptic dogs.
- What? - I'm developing a vaccine.
I'm sorry, are you a vet or a doctor? - No, not really.
- No.
But I guess I'm quite intelligent.
Right, I don't know if that's such a good idea.
I take it every 30 minutes.
- You've been taking it? - I take it, yeah.
And at the moment I'm I'm showing no symptoms of epilepsy.
But you don't you never had epilepsy.
No, I don't have epilepsy.
But I think that's because of the vaccine.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Oh, sorry.
Hello? Really? Thank you.
Someone thinks that they found Charlie.
- Wow, okay.
- Yes, so I have to go meet them.
Well, take that.
There's a little bit left in there.
So if you do find him I can't.
My bag is so full.
- Well, um - but thanks.
- Okay, bye.
- See you, brahbrah.
Jemaine? - Oh, Barbara, hey.
- Hi.
What are you doing here? That's so crazy.
Someone called and said they think they found Charlie and for me to meet them here.
Oh yes, there was a guy doing that sort of thing here, but he left.
Would you care for a drink? Um, you know, I don't I don't remember you having a beard yesterday.
Sometimes I grow a beard.
Iooks like it's glued on.
Yes, and sometimes I glue one on.
Okay.
- When I'm pressed for time.
- Right.
Makes sense.
- Yeah.
- Right.
Um, it's getting a little loose on the there you go.
Um, I should probably go find the guy who thinks he found Charlie.
- He might be back.
- I should find him.
Thanks.
Excuse me, I'm still waiting on two waters.
Thank you.
You ready? This is take one.
And a one, and a two, and away we go.
think about the epileptic dogs stop, actually.
Stop guys.
- Can you stop recording there? - What? Sorry, I can hear a piano playing there.
Who's playing that? - Bret.
- Yeah.
What, with your feet? I can't see one.
Et - no, I've already played it.
- I think there's another guy in there.
Is there another guy in there? Can you have a look around? I think there's someone playing a piano.
- No, it's a backing track.
- We've already got the piano.
- Hi, Barbara.
- Hey, brahbrah.
- Hi.
- Hey, Barbara.
Oh, hello.
I'm Murray - hi, Mary.
- Murray.
I'm just about to lay down a local track, brahbrah.
Oh, good.
Yay.
So roll it.
think about the pepileptic dogs whoa oh oh yeah - not all the puppies - no, not all the puppies - are so lucky - they're not so lucky hey.
Whoa, hey.
What are you doing with the Mike? Here, stop it, you two.
- Are they fighting? - Yeah, now they're fighting.
I'll have to stop them.
I'll be back in a second.
What are you doing? Bret! Stop it.
Iook, this is all professional equipment.
If you break it I'm paying for it.
Was it okay? It was good until you started fightinoowhat's hap? Jemaine.
Jemaine, I see no other option.
I challenge you to a duel.
Oh no.
I accept.
love is your weapon of choice - love love love - love love love it's your weapon of choice you're invading my heart every time that I hear your voice and I'm screaming out surrender but you can't hear me as you rejoice you're a general shouting orders to your army the command you are giving is to harm me harm me with love because that is your weapon of choice and what was that about last night? why do we have to fight? you've conquered my body with your kissing your caresses are your ammunition every time you walk in through my door you're extending this one metaphor you leave me wounded lying on the floor I think I've seen this floor before love that's your weapon of choice - love love love - love love love that's your weapon of choice there's a battleship loaded with emotions crashing onto some lying ocean and I'm afraid it is just as I feared this ocean is made of my tears love is the weapon love is the weapon with which you choose to threaten love is your weapon of choice.
- surrender.
It's a draw.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey.
Oh, hey.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- How are you, Barbara? I'm good.
Should I come back? - No.
- It's fine.
We're just finishing up, actually.
I found the perfect location for your canine epilepsy benefit.
- Yay.
Yay.
- Yay! - Oh, hey, Barbara.
- Hi.
- Hey, brahbrah.
- Barbara.
Iook.
Iook who's here.
- Charlie? - Yeah.
All because of your concert.
You guys, thank you so much.
It's amazing because it was my idea.
Hey, I've got a new batch of the vaccine.
- It's got toffee in it.
- Thank you, though.
- That doesn't sound very medical.
- You liked it.
- He must have seen all the posters.
- Oh my God, he likes me.
Oh, he likes me.
- Oh, I can tell he's happy.
- Miss? - Yeah? - That's my dog.
I think you're mistaken.
- It's her dog.
- This is Charlie.
It's my dog mocha.
See there on the tag? It says mocha.
Maybe that isn't Charlie.
He's a different color.
Actually, he does look like a different breed, doesn't he? Yeah, he's a different breed.
I was wondering that.
He doesn't look like Charlie.
Different size.
- Can I have my dog? - Yes.
Mocha, come.
Come, mocha.
I'm so embarrassed.
Oh my gosh.
- No, it's all right.
- He's just a real stickler, that guy.
- Charlie will show up.
- Yeah, he'll come.
- He'll come and find you.
- Bret, get out.
- Thanks.
- Sorry, Jemaine's got his creepy hand on your shoulder.
- Thanks, guys.
- Bret, you're crowding her.
Thank you.
It's great to be here.
I'd like to dedicate this song to - all the dogs with pepilepsy.
- Bret, your speech is boring.
This song is dedicated to epileptic dogs.
- I love dogs.
- I love dogs with epilepsy.
think about the epileptic dogs not all the puppies are born so lucky somewhere there's a golden retriever who's having a seizure somewhere there's a pup seizing up and there's a labrador who's shaking on the floor think about the epileptic dogs send them some money to stop these dogs from acting funny send a check in the letter to make a setter feel better come on, make a donation and save a shaky dalmatian this is the remix ep-ilep-ep-ep-leptic ep-ilep-ep-ep-leptic, ep-ilep-ep-ep-leptic ep-ilep-ep-ep-leptic so what did you think, Murray? How do you think it went? Oh, well, it was good, wasn't it? - Do you think so? - Yeah, it was different.
- Barbara.
- Hey, guys.
It didn't go perfectly, but it was a tragedy.
Well, it raised awars of canine pepilepsy.
The, um, strobe lights gave all of the dogs seizures.
- Not all of them.
- Well, the epileptic ones.
- Yeah, all of those ones.
- I thought they were dancing.
- No, those were fits.
- Even the golden doodle? - Yes.
- The shih-tzu was dancing.
- No, he passed away.
- Dogs can't dance, Bret.
That's a shame, 'cause we really put a lot of work into it.
Shame to know it was because of our song.
All right, stop it, guys.
I can see what's happening here.
- Sorry, Barbara.
- What's going on? You see, my two lads here both seem to fancy you.
Okay? I'm sorry, but there it is.
No, listen.
Barbara, if you could choose one of them, please, that you like the most and then take them on a nice date somewhere, that would be good.
On the other hand, if you like me, that's a different story.
- So embarrassing.
- Right, I've got to go.
- And no dueling.
- How are we no dueling, and that's the final word on that.
- Excuse me, Barbara.
- Yes, of course.
See you later, Murray.
Oh, that guy.
- Sorry about him.
- But basically what he said.
We like you.
I like you guys too.
What's the problem? We like you like you.
- We love you.
- What? - In love with you.
- I love you and he loves you.
I'm sorry, I thought you guys were gay.
- Gay? - Yeah.
- No, we're not gay.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Mel.
- Hello.
I made a mock-up family portrait of what you two would look like and if you had a baby what the baby would look like - coming out of you guys.
- Kind of cute.
- Thanks, Mel.
- Yeah.
She's made a little photo of us as a couple.
Jemaine's the dad, I guess, and I've given birth to this little baby.
You know, sorry.
What made you think we were gay? I'm sorry.
If I would have known that you guys were both interested I mean, I probably wouldn't have, you know played havoc with our friendship? No, I was gonna say spent equal amounts of time with Jemaine.
- Sorry.
- What? Oh.
Truthfully, I'm interested in Bret if he's straight.
- Yeah.
- That's Bret there.
- Yeah, this one.
- Cool.
- Yeah yeah, fully straight.
- Okay.
Do you want to maybe go get some coffee? - I'd love to.
- I meant Bret.
- Oh, yes.
- Could Jemaine come? - Maybe another time.
- But, Barbara, I thought - my name is brahbrah.
- Brahbrah? Uh-huh.
B- r-a-h- - b-r-a-h.
- Braha? - Brahbrah.
- Told you it was brahbrah.
Oh.
Well, that's - sorry, Jemaine.
- See you later, Bret and brahbrah.
Yes, thank you.
So, brahbrah, how long has Charlie been gone? Six years.
Charlie! love love love love.
love love love love.