Fresh Off The Boat (2015) s02e06 Episode Script
Good Morning Orlando
Call me crazy, but square pizza just tastes less good.
It's the right angles.
Trying to make us learn at lunch.
Eddie, it's your girl.
Should I say hi? I don't know.
- Should I?! - I don't know! - What is going on with you guys? - I don't know.
It's been two weeks since the Fall Ball, and she hasn't even talked to me which is crazy because that mess was mad romantic.
[Rock music playing, indistinct shouting.]
She punched me in the armpit.
It was amazing.
Yeah, that night was crazy.
Becca T.
and I split a Capri sun, and now she just walks around like nothing even happened.
We shared a straw.
Trent: I feel you.
Sarah S.
slapped a slap bracelet on me at the dance.
Where is it now? I lost it in the collection plate at church.
Now it belongs to Jesus.
I just don't get it.
I thought Alison really liked me.
I guess I was wrong.
Hmm? Your girlfriend wanted me to give that to you.
Yeah [High-pitched.]
Wha-a-a-a [coughing.]
[Pounds fist, groans.]
[Strained.]
Right angle got caught in my pipe.
[Coughing.]
S02E06 Good Morning Orlando fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat [Country music playing.]
[Sighs.]
Talk to the boss's wife.
It's okay.
She doesn't hate you.
It's all in your head.
[Breathing heavily.]
How's it going, Jessica? Are you joking? I if it was funny.
Was it funny? [Sighs.]
Nothing is funny, Nancy.
I bought an investment property which, it turns out, is riddled with termites.
That's right termites are real.
The house has already been tented, so now it's just sort of standing there losing money kind of like you.
[Exhales sharply.]
You did it, Nancy.
You made her see you.
[Chuckling.]
And then she said, "squeeze 'em? Uh, I bought 'em!" [Laughter.]
Boss, some customers want to meet you.
They're celebrities from television.
Oh.
I would like to introduce you to Gus and Mey-Mey from "Good Morning Orlando.
" [Chuckles.]
Uh It's okay.
We're on at 4:00 A.
M.
Our core demo is truckers clocking on and hookers clocking off.
[Chuckles.]
[Chuckles.]
Well, both are welcome here at Cattleman's.
[Chuckles.]
I mean, as customers, not we don't encourage prostitution.
Is this a sting? Because you have to show me your badge if I ask you.
Boss, their show is on Channel 7 you know, with the duck.
- That does the weather.
- The weather duck.
Oh.
I love ducks.
[Chuckles.]
[As Donald duck.]
Seriously, are you guys cops? [Laughter.]
Whoa! [Laughs.]
- Did you see that? - That was amazing! [Normal voice.]
I really don't do impre [as rocky.]
Adrian! [Laughter.]
Okay, you have to come on our show.
- [Normal voice.]
Oh, no, I couldn't.
- You got to.
Yes, the audience would eat that up, and and you can talk about your restaurant.
Jessica: He'll do it! The exposure will increase business, which will help cover the unforeseen expenses from the investment property.
What expenses? You were so funny today at the restaurant.
Your impressions they're really getting better.
Oh, thank you.
[Both chuckle.]
Boys, your father is going to be on "Good Morning Orlando.
" With Gus and Mey-Mey? You just blew my mind! You just blew my my flippin' mind! Emery: You watch that show? So that's how you stay current.
Huh.
That's the way love goes That's the way that love goes That's the way love goes That's the way love goes What are you doing with your body? Celebrating.
Alison is officially my girlfriend.
What? When did that happen? [Music stops.]
Apparently, two weeks ago.
I had no idea we were even dating.
[Sighs.]
I guess that's how things work in 7th grade.
Love moves fast and quiet, like Miss Jackson says.
[Snoring.]
Oh.
Well, if grandma had been awake, she would've pressed "play," and Janet would have said, "That's the Way Love Goes.
" [Snorts, gasps.]
that's the way love goes No, grandma, wait.
It's too Aah! Hup! Can't fight the music.
That's the way that love goes 'Sup? 'Sup? 'Sup? Eddie.
We were just talking about Alison's friends.
Ugh.
I knew this was coming.
I wish I could hook you guys up with my girl's homegirls, but you know why I can't, right? - What? - You're gonna make me say it? Okay.
Brian, you need to grow.
Trent, dry-clean your jacket.
Walter, racism.
And, Dave, I'm sorry, but you're a teardown.
We already have girlfriends! What?! Who? Like we said Alison's friends.
Apparently, we've all been dating since the fall ball.
Seriously? That's awesome! Guess you guys got my overflow trickle down love-onomics.
- Racism? - Why am I a teardown? Your girlfriends asked me to ask you if you guys want to group-date.
The mall, today, 3:00, by the escalators.
- Yeah.
- Awesome! Yeah.
Wait.
Why are you the messenger, Ned? [Sighs.]
Just be at the mall, man.
Now what? [Girls giggle.]
Look! Yeah I-I guess we go up.
All right.
Let's go up.
[Gasps.]
They're coming down! But we're going up.
- Girls: Hey! - Boys: Hey! Trent: Hey.
Eddie: What just happened? Should we go back down? Brian: They're not turning around.
They're walking into wet seal.
Iguess that was it.
Cool! We just went on our first date! Yeah! [Laughs.]
Celebrate with an Orange Julius? Hell yeah, let's do it! Trent, your nose is bleeding, man.
Hell yeah, it is! [Theme music plays.]
Gus: Good morning, Orlando.
We want to take you live to Mindy Torres out in the field with some breaking news.
Mindy? A hullabaloo was caused this morning when an employee discovered an endangered gopher tortoise blocking a rally's drive-through.
People have placed their orders, but cars are unable to drive through to pick up their orders.
[Horn blares.]
I need hash browns! Of course, everyone's first concern is for the safety of the tortoise.
Coffee! Well, thank you, Mindy, and we will check back in - with you in a few hours for an update.
- Wait, what I'll tell you, Gus, if a turtle was blocking me from my coffee, I'd super Mario it.
[Laughs.]
Okay.
Well, it's time for the Gus-light, where we shine a spotlight on local businesses.
Joining us today is local entrepreneur Louis Huang.
Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to join us.
Well, thank you for, uh, having me.
[Chuckles.]
Uh, as you know, my restaurant is Cattleman's Ranch Steakhouse, which is exit 4b, uh, off of I-4, uh, north.
But if you're coming south, it's exit 4a off of I-4 south.
- Great directions.
- Yeah.
And in addition to being a cattleman, Louis here is also a funnyman.
[Laughter.]
- He did some amazing - Right? celebrity impressions for us the other day.
Yes, he did.
[Laughs.]
[As Rocky.]
I can't see nothin'.
Cut my eyes, Mick.
Cut 'em.
I can't see.
[Both laugh.]
Hey, Rocky Balboa is in the studio all of a sudden.
[Normal voice.]
You got it! [Laughter.]
Why why is that so funny? [As Donald duck.]
Because Stallone talks funny! [Both laugh.]
You're killing it! You're very good! What have you done? You're supposed to go out there and promote the restaurant, not make a fool out of yourself.
[As Arnold Jackson.]
Whatchu talkin' 'bout, woman? You love my impressions.
[Normal voice.]
That was Arnold.
Not on television.
What's the difference? Name one Chinese person on TV.
Pat Morita.
Japanese, and you know it.
What's your point? We don't get opportunities to be on TV.
That's why when we do, we need to present our best face not clown around, like you did today.
They loved me.
You know what it reminded me of? Your favorite character.
No.
From "Sixteen Candles.
" Don't say it.
Long Duk Dong.
Yeah, so, 3 bucks an hour to make little pizza tables not bad, right? Oh, here comes a cab.
You should yell [As Long Duk Dong.]
"automobile!" Ha ha.
Right.
[Both chuckle.]
Louis, you missed your opportunity, man.
You should've yelled [as Long Duk Dong.]
"Oh, sexy girlfriend!" [Chuckles.]
Right.
[Laughing.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
[Ice rattles.]
The Chinese guy in that movie became what everybody thought all Chinese people were.
He made people think that was okay.
That's why when we get opportunities like this, it matters.
Look, I was just a person joking around on a morning talk show.
This is not a Long Duk Dong situation.
Hello, dad.
Saw the show.
Very hurtful.
Really? I taught you Donald Duck.
[As Donald duck.]
And you stole it! [Sighs.]
Fellas, we're doing it! We livin'.
Remember when we went on the mall date with our girlfriends and they were like [High-pitched.]
"hi!" And we were like [Deep voice.]
"hi"? [Chuckles.]
[Chuckles.]
Dave.
Becca G.
wants to break up with you.
I don't understand.
I thought I was dating Sarah S.
What? No.
I'm dating Sarah S.
You're dating Becca G.
Well, you were.
No, I'm dating Becca G.
But wait.
Then why did she break up with you? Hold up.
Did you just say "Becca G.
" or "Becca T.
"? 'Cause I'm dating Becca T.
I think.
This is messed up.
You guys don't even know who you're dating?! Do you? Yeah, man.
I'm dating Alison.
How can you be so sure? Because we really like each other, and we danced in the mosh pit at the fall ball.
She pushed me in the mosh pit, too.
Me too.
Me too.
Me too.
[Country music playing.]
Hey, we saw you on "Good Morning Orlando.
" Hilarious! [As Rambo.]
Don't push it, or I'll give you a war you won't believe.
[Laughter.]
Man: [As Long Duk Dong.]
Automobile! What did you just say? I ordered the veal.
He did.
Man: [Laughing.]
This guy cracks me up! [As Rambo.]
I'll give you a war you won't believe! [Laughter.]
Jessica: Long Duk Dong! Man: [As Long Duk Dong.]
Automobile! Sexy girlfriend! [Distorted laughter.]
And then everyone was laughing, but in a gross way, which made me feel gross.
Are people laughing with me or at me? At you.
That's what I was saying.
I need to go back on that show.
I will iron your television pants.
[Black Sheep's "The Choice is Yours" plays.]
This or that? This or that? This or that? This or that? You can get with this or you can get with that You can get with this or you can get with that So, Alison pushed us all in the mosh pit, but were those pushes platonic or passionate? Evidence is inconclusive.
Who are you, woman? Well, at least we know who you're dating, Walter.
What do you mean? Well, you know I'm just saying I-it's the south.
[Exhales sharply.]
That's messed up, man.
I mean, Edith is the one I like, but it's unrelated.
There's got to be a way to figure out who our girlfriends are.
Why don't you just ask them? You crazy, ese? You have any idea how mad they'll be at us? - I think if you're honest - Just go away, okay? This is big-kid business.
Hey, I'm just here to get my tub of gak you borrowed without asking.
Of course there's hair in it.
[Telephone rings.]
Hello? It's one of the girls.
[Muffled.]
Is it Becca G.
? Did she get my letter? I'll find out who it is.
Sorry about that.
So, you like soda? Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, sure.
That sounds great.
Peace.
[Receiver clicks.]
I don't know who that was.
[All groan.]
But the girls do want to have another group date at the roller rink tomorrow.
That's suicide! They'll bust us wide open, and then none of us will have girlfriends.
I can't go back to being single.
At the rink, all of us will fall down at the same time, and then the girl who's our girlfriend will come to help us because she loves us, and then we'll know who she is.
What if two girls help us up? Do we get two? Well, we finally have an answer to that question everyone's been asking why doesn't anybody move the damn thing? Apparently, human touch would render the endangered tortoise infertile.
Maybe that tortoise should try being an unmarried woman over 40.
Oh! [Chuckles.]
Stay strong, mind.
He's out there.
Yeah, yeah.
Nothing sadder than a woman over 27.
Oh.
Next up, we have our old friend who's back in the studio Louis Huang.
Louis, you were cracking us up the other day with your impressions.
[Chuckles.]
Well, you know, I'm glad I exist to entertain you.
So, do you do Bill Cosby? I love him.
Me too.
America's moral compass.
Well, you know, I'm already doing an impression.
[Gasping, laughing.]
Of of what? A successful Chinese-American business owner who's worked hard for everything he has.
Uh, o-okay.
All right, how about we, uh [Chuckles.]
How about we talk about your restaurant, right? Yeah! That seems to be what you want to Okay.
Well, it's a steakhouse.
- Oh, yum! - An American restaurant.
That's right Chinese people can make all kinds of food.
Oh! I made pot stickers once from frozen.
So, I-is that all Asian culture is to you pot stickers? No! No! I didn't mean that.
You know what? Let's talk about race.
No, that's a little too serious for the Gus-light - Yeah! - as far as I'm concerned.
Oh, okay.
So you don't want me to be serious? You just want me to be joking around, be the clown.
"The Chinese guy's on TV! Make everybody laugh!" Both: Let's go to commercial.
Why were aou so serious?! It's a morning show.
They have a duck that does the weather.
You told me that y-you said they were laughing at I you got in my head! Well, now everybody thinks Chinese people have no sense of humor! What? Did they think we had one before? Well, I don't know, but they definitely don't now.
You need to go back out there and show people that you can laugh at yourself.
But be serious, too.
A couple of light jokes nothing political.
But don't be boring, either.
Don't make waves, but be interesting.
And pleasant.
And also smart.
You should be smart.
[Sighs.]
And tall.
You realize doing all that is impossible, right? I know.
I just want it to be perfect.
Well, one person can't be everything.
That weather duck isn't going out there thinking about representing all ducks.
No, he's probably thinking [as Donald Duck.]
"What the heck is going on here?" [Both laugh.]
Oh, that's not funny! That's not funny.
Yes, it is, and it's okay that it's funny.
And sometimes a guy doing an impression is just a guy doing an impression.
[Sighs.]
Okay.
Fine.
Then go back on the show and just be yourself.
I'm banned from the studio.
Maybe you don't have to go back into the studio.
[Dance music playing.]
Okay, guys, remember the plan same time, fall.
Whichever girl comes to each of us, that's our girlfriend.
Got it.
[Thud.]
Damn it, Brian! We're supposed to fall together! I have weak ankles.
Man: Couples skate.
Grab your partner's hand.
Come on.
Let's skate.
[Soft music playing.]
Later, nerds.
That's it.
I'm going in.
Ew! Why are you grabbing my hand? I thought you were my girlfriend.
What are you talking about, Trent? I'm your girlfriend.
How do you not know who your own girlfriend is? Hey! Leave him alone! None of us knew who we were dating.
Eddie: What?! Why you gonna tell them that? Wait you didn't know we were dating? I mean, I did, but, you know, you pushed a lot of people in the mosh pit, so I made an evidence board and I can't believe this.
[Singsong voice.]
Couple coming through! [Voice breaking.]
Breaking news another tortoise has appeared in the shrubbery, in an apparent effort to guide the first tortoise to safety.
[Chuckling.]
Oh Um, I'm glad you said that, uh, Mindy.
Sorry to barge in like this, but they banned me from the studio.
Uh, Gus, Mey-Mey I just want to apologize for yesterday.
I wasn't myself, and, uh, you know, myself is is all I can be, really, and occasionally a smooth criminal.
[As Michael Jackson.]
Shamone! Eee-hee! [Both laugh.]
Look at that.
Hey, forget about the Jackson 5.
We got the Jackson 6 right here.
[Laughing.]
Oh! I can't believe you get paid more than me.
Louis: Ooh! Ah! Ah! Michael Jackson?! I taught him that! Ooh! [Sighs.]
Did you figure out your "big-kids business"? What's wrong? I screwed things up with Alison.
I really liked her, and I don't know what to do.
Have you tried talking to her? No.
Why not? Well, 'cause I don't think that's how they do things in seventh grade.
How's that working for you? Alison.
Hey, you got anything to say to her, you can pass a note through me.
It's okay, Ned.
I'm listening.
To be honest, I didn't even know we were dating, and when I found out we were, I didn't want to do anything to mess it up, because I like you a lot.
And I don't know if we're supposed to be saying that in seventh grade or if we're supposed to be having this conversation on an escalator.
I don't know how any of this works.
Yeah.
It's weird.
I had so much fun with you at the fall ball, but then my friends were like, "you can't talk to him.
You're dating him.
" Well, I'm sorry we broke up.
- Broke up? We didn't break up.
- We didn't? No.
That was our first fight, and we got through it.
We did? Yes.
And now we're stronger than ever.
A'ight.
A'ight.
So, are all my friends still dating your friends? Oh, hell no.
In fact, they shouldn't come around for a while especially Dave.
A'ight.
A'ight.
That makes sense.
Walk me to class? Okay, but just so I'm clear you're my girlfriend? Yes.
I'll explain on the way.
Come on.
The number-one dating rule is to listen to a woman.
"Listen To Her.
" - What if what she's saying is, uh - Boring? You should still be listening to her.
Even if she's talking about horses? Especially when she's talking about horses.
What if you're scared of horses? Don't be scared of horses! Trent: "Don't be scared of horses.
"
It's the right angles.
Trying to make us learn at lunch.
Eddie, it's your girl.
Should I say hi? I don't know.
- Should I?! - I don't know! - What is going on with you guys? - I don't know.
It's been two weeks since the Fall Ball, and she hasn't even talked to me which is crazy because that mess was mad romantic.
[Rock music playing, indistinct shouting.]
She punched me in the armpit.
It was amazing.
Yeah, that night was crazy.
Becca T.
and I split a Capri sun, and now she just walks around like nothing even happened.
We shared a straw.
Trent: I feel you.
Sarah S.
slapped a slap bracelet on me at the dance.
Where is it now? I lost it in the collection plate at church.
Now it belongs to Jesus.
I just don't get it.
I thought Alison really liked me.
I guess I was wrong.
Hmm? Your girlfriend wanted me to give that to you.
Yeah [High-pitched.]
Wha-a-a-a [coughing.]
[Pounds fist, groans.]
[Strained.]
Right angle got caught in my pipe.
[Coughing.]
S02E06 Good Morning Orlando fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat [Country music playing.]
[Sighs.]
Talk to the boss's wife.
It's okay.
She doesn't hate you.
It's all in your head.
[Breathing heavily.]
How's it going, Jessica? Are you joking? I if it was funny.
Was it funny? [Sighs.]
Nothing is funny, Nancy.
I bought an investment property which, it turns out, is riddled with termites.
That's right termites are real.
The house has already been tented, so now it's just sort of standing there losing money kind of like you.
[Exhales sharply.]
You did it, Nancy.
You made her see you.
[Chuckling.]
And then she said, "squeeze 'em? Uh, I bought 'em!" [Laughter.]
Boss, some customers want to meet you.
They're celebrities from television.
Oh.
I would like to introduce you to Gus and Mey-Mey from "Good Morning Orlando.
" [Chuckles.]
Uh It's okay.
We're on at 4:00 A.
M.
Our core demo is truckers clocking on and hookers clocking off.
[Chuckles.]
[Chuckles.]
Well, both are welcome here at Cattleman's.
[Chuckles.]
I mean, as customers, not we don't encourage prostitution.
Is this a sting? Because you have to show me your badge if I ask you.
Boss, their show is on Channel 7 you know, with the duck.
- That does the weather.
- The weather duck.
Oh.
I love ducks.
[Chuckles.]
[As Donald duck.]
Seriously, are you guys cops? [Laughter.]
Whoa! [Laughs.]
- Did you see that? - That was amazing! [Normal voice.]
I really don't do impre [as rocky.]
Adrian! [Laughter.]
Okay, you have to come on our show.
- [Normal voice.]
Oh, no, I couldn't.
- You got to.
Yes, the audience would eat that up, and and you can talk about your restaurant.
Jessica: He'll do it! The exposure will increase business, which will help cover the unforeseen expenses from the investment property.
What expenses? You were so funny today at the restaurant.
Your impressions they're really getting better.
Oh, thank you.
[Both chuckle.]
Boys, your father is going to be on "Good Morning Orlando.
" With Gus and Mey-Mey? You just blew my mind! You just blew my my flippin' mind! Emery: You watch that show? So that's how you stay current.
Huh.
That's the way love goes That's the way that love goes That's the way love goes That's the way love goes What are you doing with your body? Celebrating.
Alison is officially my girlfriend.
What? When did that happen? [Music stops.]
Apparently, two weeks ago.
I had no idea we were even dating.
[Sighs.]
I guess that's how things work in 7th grade.
Love moves fast and quiet, like Miss Jackson says.
[Snoring.]
Oh.
Well, if grandma had been awake, she would've pressed "play," and Janet would have said, "That's the Way Love Goes.
" [Snorts, gasps.]
that's the way love goes No, grandma, wait.
It's too Aah! Hup! Can't fight the music.
That's the way that love goes 'Sup? 'Sup? 'Sup? Eddie.
We were just talking about Alison's friends.
Ugh.
I knew this was coming.
I wish I could hook you guys up with my girl's homegirls, but you know why I can't, right? - What? - You're gonna make me say it? Okay.
Brian, you need to grow.
Trent, dry-clean your jacket.
Walter, racism.
And, Dave, I'm sorry, but you're a teardown.
We already have girlfriends! What?! Who? Like we said Alison's friends.
Apparently, we've all been dating since the fall ball.
Seriously? That's awesome! Guess you guys got my overflow trickle down love-onomics.
- Racism? - Why am I a teardown? Your girlfriends asked me to ask you if you guys want to group-date.
The mall, today, 3:00, by the escalators.
- Yeah.
- Awesome! Yeah.
Wait.
Why are you the messenger, Ned? [Sighs.]
Just be at the mall, man.
Now what? [Girls giggle.]
Look! Yeah I-I guess we go up.
All right.
Let's go up.
[Gasps.]
They're coming down! But we're going up.
- Girls: Hey! - Boys: Hey! Trent: Hey.
Eddie: What just happened? Should we go back down? Brian: They're not turning around.
They're walking into wet seal.
Iguess that was it.
Cool! We just went on our first date! Yeah! [Laughs.]
Celebrate with an Orange Julius? Hell yeah, let's do it! Trent, your nose is bleeding, man.
Hell yeah, it is! [Theme music plays.]
Gus: Good morning, Orlando.
We want to take you live to Mindy Torres out in the field with some breaking news.
Mindy? A hullabaloo was caused this morning when an employee discovered an endangered gopher tortoise blocking a rally's drive-through.
People have placed their orders, but cars are unable to drive through to pick up their orders.
[Horn blares.]
I need hash browns! Of course, everyone's first concern is for the safety of the tortoise.
Coffee! Well, thank you, Mindy, and we will check back in - with you in a few hours for an update.
- Wait, what I'll tell you, Gus, if a turtle was blocking me from my coffee, I'd super Mario it.
[Laughs.]
Okay.
Well, it's time for the Gus-light, where we shine a spotlight on local businesses.
Joining us today is local entrepreneur Louis Huang.
Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to join us.
Well, thank you for, uh, having me.
[Chuckles.]
Uh, as you know, my restaurant is Cattleman's Ranch Steakhouse, which is exit 4b, uh, off of I-4, uh, north.
But if you're coming south, it's exit 4a off of I-4 south.
- Great directions.
- Yeah.
And in addition to being a cattleman, Louis here is also a funnyman.
[Laughter.]
- He did some amazing - Right? celebrity impressions for us the other day.
Yes, he did.
[Laughs.]
[As Rocky.]
I can't see nothin'.
Cut my eyes, Mick.
Cut 'em.
I can't see.
[Both laugh.]
Hey, Rocky Balboa is in the studio all of a sudden.
[Normal voice.]
You got it! [Laughter.]
Why why is that so funny? [As Donald duck.]
Because Stallone talks funny! [Both laugh.]
You're killing it! You're very good! What have you done? You're supposed to go out there and promote the restaurant, not make a fool out of yourself.
[As Arnold Jackson.]
Whatchu talkin' 'bout, woman? You love my impressions.
[Normal voice.]
That was Arnold.
Not on television.
What's the difference? Name one Chinese person on TV.
Pat Morita.
Japanese, and you know it.
What's your point? We don't get opportunities to be on TV.
That's why when we do, we need to present our best face not clown around, like you did today.
They loved me.
You know what it reminded me of? Your favorite character.
No.
From "Sixteen Candles.
" Don't say it.
Long Duk Dong.
Yeah, so, 3 bucks an hour to make little pizza tables not bad, right? Oh, here comes a cab.
You should yell [As Long Duk Dong.]
"automobile!" Ha ha.
Right.
[Both chuckle.]
Louis, you missed your opportunity, man.
You should've yelled [as Long Duk Dong.]
"Oh, sexy girlfriend!" [Chuckles.]
Right.
[Laughing.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
[Ice rattles.]
The Chinese guy in that movie became what everybody thought all Chinese people were.
He made people think that was okay.
That's why when we get opportunities like this, it matters.
Look, I was just a person joking around on a morning talk show.
This is not a Long Duk Dong situation.
Hello, dad.
Saw the show.
Very hurtful.
Really? I taught you Donald Duck.
[As Donald duck.]
And you stole it! [Sighs.]
Fellas, we're doing it! We livin'.
Remember when we went on the mall date with our girlfriends and they were like [High-pitched.]
"hi!" And we were like [Deep voice.]
"hi"? [Chuckles.]
[Chuckles.]
Dave.
Becca G.
wants to break up with you.
I don't understand.
I thought I was dating Sarah S.
What? No.
I'm dating Sarah S.
You're dating Becca G.
Well, you were.
No, I'm dating Becca G.
But wait.
Then why did she break up with you? Hold up.
Did you just say "Becca G.
" or "Becca T.
"? 'Cause I'm dating Becca T.
I think.
This is messed up.
You guys don't even know who you're dating?! Do you? Yeah, man.
I'm dating Alison.
How can you be so sure? Because we really like each other, and we danced in the mosh pit at the fall ball.
She pushed me in the mosh pit, too.
Me too.
Me too.
Me too.
[Country music playing.]
Hey, we saw you on "Good Morning Orlando.
" Hilarious! [As Rambo.]
Don't push it, or I'll give you a war you won't believe.
[Laughter.]
Man: [As Long Duk Dong.]
Automobile! What did you just say? I ordered the veal.
He did.
Man: [Laughing.]
This guy cracks me up! [As Rambo.]
I'll give you a war you won't believe! [Laughter.]
Jessica: Long Duk Dong! Man: [As Long Duk Dong.]
Automobile! Sexy girlfriend! [Distorted laughter.]
And then everyone was laughing, but in a gross way, which made me feel gross.
Are people laughing with me or at me? At you.
That's what I was saying.
I need to go back on that show.
I will iron your television pants.
[Black Sheep's "The Choice is Yours" plays.]
This or that? This or that? This or that? This or that? You can get with this or you can get with that You can get with this or you can get with that So, Alison pushed us all in the mosh pit, but were those pushes platonic or passionate? Evidence is inconclusive.
Who are you, woman? Well, at least we know who you're dating, Walter.
What do you mean? Well, you know I'm just saying I-it's the south.
[Exhales sharply.]
That's messed up, man.
I mean, Edith is the one I like, but it's unrelated.
There's got to be a way to figure out who our girlfriends are.
Why don't you just ask them? You crazy, ese? You have any idea how mad they'll be at us? - I think if you're honest - Just go away, okay? This is big-kid business.
Hey, I'm just here to get my tub of gak you borrowed without asking.
Of course there's hair in it.
[Telephone rings.]
Hello? It's one of the girls.
[Muffled.]
Is it Becca G.
? Did she get my letter? I'll find out who it is.
Sorry about that.
So, you like soda? Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, sure.
That sounds great.
Peace.
[Receiver clicks.]
I don't know who that was.
[All groan.]
But the girls do want to have another group date at the roller rink tomorrow.
That's suicide! They'll bust us wide open, and then none of us will have girlfriends.
I can't go back to being single.
At the rink, all of us will fall down at the same time, and then the girl who's our girlfriend will come to help us because she loves us, and then we'll know who she is.
What if two girls help us up? Do we get two? Well, we finally have an answer to that question everyone's been asking why doesn't anybody move the damn thing? Apparently, human touch would render the endangered tortoise infertile.
Maybe that tortoise should try being an unmarried woman over 40.
Oh! [Chuckles.]
Stay strong, mind.
He's out there.
Yeah, yeah.
Nothing sadder than a woman over 27.
Oh.
Next up, we have our old friend who's back in the studio Louis Huang.
Louis, you were cracking us up the other day with your impressions.
[Chuckles.]
Well, you know, I'm glad I exist to entertain you.
So, do you do Bill Cosby? I love him.
Me too.
America's moral compass.
Well, you know, I'm already doing an impression.
[Gasping, laughing.]
Of of what? A successful Chinese-American business owner who's worked hard for everything he has.
Uh, o-okay.
All right, how about we, uh [Chuckles.]
How about we talk about your restaurant, right? Yeah! That seems to be what you want to Okay.
Well, it's a steakhouse.
- Oh, yum! - An American restaurant.
That's right Chinese people can make all kinds of food.
Oh! I made pot stickers once from frozen.
So, I-is that all Asian culture is to you pot stickers? No! No! I didn't mean that.
You know what? Let's talk about race.
No, that's a little too serious for the Gus-light - Yeah! - as far as I'm concerned.
Oh, okay.
So you don't want me to be serious? You just want me to be joking around, be the clown.
"The Chinese guy's on TV! Make everybody laugh!" Both: Let's go to commercial.
Why were aou so serious?! It's a morning show.
They have a duck that does the weather.
You told me that y-you said they were laughing at I you got in my head! Well, now everybody thinks Chinese people have no sense of humor! What? Did they think we had one before? Well, I don't know, but they definitely don't now.
You need to go back out there and show people that you can laugh at yourself.
But be serious, too.
A couple of light jokes nothing political.
But don't be boring, either.
Don't make waves, but be interesting.
And pleasant.
And also smart.
You should be smart.
[Sighs.]
And tall.
You realize doing all that is impossible, right? I know.
I just want it to be perfect.
Well, one person can't be everything.
That weather duck isn't going out there thinking about representing all ducks.
No, he's probably thinking [as Donald Duck.]
"What the heck is going on here?" [Both laugh.]
Oh, that's not funny! That's not funny.
Yes, it is, and it's okay that it's funny.
And sometimes a guy doing an impression is just a guy doing an impression.
[Sighs.]
Okay.
Fine.
Then go back on the show and just be yourself.
I'm banned from the studio.
Maybe you don't have to go back into the studio.
[Dance music playing.]
Okay, guys, remember the plan same time, fall.
Whichever girl comes to each of us, that's our girlfriend.
Got it.
[Thud.]
Damn it, Brian! We're supposed to fall together! I have weak ankles.
Man: Couples skate.
Grab your partner's hand.
Come on.
Let's skate.
[Soft music playing.]
Later, nerds.
That's it.
I'm going in.
Ew! Why are you grabbing my hand? I thought you were my girlfriend.
What are you talking about, Trent? I'm your girlfriend.
How do you not know who your own girlfriend is? Hey! Leave him alone! None of us knew who we were dating.
Eddie: What?! Why you gonna tell them that? Wait you didn't know we were dating? I mean, I did, but, you know, you pushed a lot of people in the mosh pit, so I made an evidence board and I can't believe this.
[Singsong voice.]
Couple coming through! [Voice breaking.]
Breaking news another tortoise has appeared in the shrubbery, in an apparent effort to guide the first tortoise to safety.
[Chuckling.]
Oh Um, I'm glad you said that, uh, Mindy.
Sorry to barge in like this, but they banned me from the studio.
Uh, Gus, Mey-Mey I just want to apologize for yesterday.
I wasn't myself, and, uh, you know, myself is is all I can be, really, and occasionally a smooth criminal.
[As Michael Jackson.]
Shamone! Eee-hee! [Both laugh.]
Look at that.
Hey, forget about the Jackson 5.
We got the Jackson 6 right here.
[Laughing.]
Oh! I can't believe you get paid more than me.
Louis: Ooh! Ah! Ah! Michael Jackson?! I taught him that! Ooh! [Sighs.]
Did you figure out your "big-kids business"? What's wrong? I screwed things up with Alison.
I really liked her, and I don't know what to do.
Have you tried talking to her? No.
Why not? Well, 'cause I don't think that's how they do things in seventh grade.
How's that working for you? Alison.
Hey, you got anything to say to her, you can pass a note through me.
It's okay, Ned.
I'm listening.
To be honest, I didn't even know we were dating, and when I found out we were, I didn't want to do anything to mess it up, because I like you a lot.
And I don't know if we're supposed to be saying that in seventh grade or if we're supposed to be having this conversation on an escalator.
I don't know how any of this works.
Yeah.
It's weird.
I had so much fun with you at the fall ball, but then my friends were like, "you can't talk to him.
You're dating him.
" Well, I'm sorry we broke up.
- Broke up? We didn't break up.
- We didn't? No.
That was our first fight, and we got through it.
We did? Yes.
And now we're stronger than ever.
A'ight.
A'ight.
So, are all my friends still dating your friends? Oh, hell no.
In fact, they shouldn't come around for a while especially Dave.
A'ight.
A'ight.
That makes sense.
Walk me to class? Okay, but just so I'm clear you're my girlfriend? Yes.
I'll explain on the way.
Come on.
The number-one dating rule is to listen to a woman.
"Listen To Her.
" - What if what she's saying is, uh - Boring? You should still be listening to her.
Even if she's talking about horses? Especially when she's talking about horses.
What if you're scared of horses? Don't be scared of horses! Trent: "Don't be scared of horses.
"