Friends s02e06 Episode Script
457306 - The One With the Baby on the Bus
Who the winny-binny boy? You the winny-winny-binny-binny boy! Don't cry.
Don't cry.
Why is he still crying? Don't worry.
Nothing can't be solved by happy keys.
yeah, I was feel much better when someone shaked Jacks medal in my face.
Let me hold him for a sec.
Here we go.
There we are.
Maybe it's me.
Don't be silly.
Ben loves you.
He's just being Mr.
Cranky Pants.
You know, I once dated a Miss Cranky Pants.
Lovely girl.
Kind of moody.
There we go, all better.
There's my little boy.
Can I see something? Cool! He hates me.
My nephew hates me! I'm unemployed, and my nephew hates me! Stop, don't do this.
You are just unemployed.
What if my own baby hates me? What do I do then? Monica, stop! This is nuts.
Do you know how long it'll be before you have to deal with this problem? You don't even have a boyfriend yet.
Joey, she does not look fat.
The One With the Baby on the Bus Here you go.
Goo, goo, goo! That is so funny! Let me see that a sec.
You okay? I don't know.
What's in this pie? I don't know.
Butter and eggs and flour and lime and kiwi Kiwi? Kiwi?! You said it was a key lime pie.
No, I didn't.
I said kiwi lime.
That's what makes it so special.
That's what's gonna kill me.
I'm allergic to kiwi.
No, you're not.
You're allergic to lobster and peanuts and Oh, my God! It's definitely getting worse.
Is your tongue swelling up? Either that or my mouth is getting smaller! Get your coat.
We're going to the hospital.
-Will he be okay? -He's gotta get a shot.
You know, actually, it's getting better.
It is.
Let's not go.
Anyone up for Scrabble? Jacket, now! What about Ben? We can't bring a baby to the hospital.
We'll watch him.
I don't think so.
I have seven Catholic sisters.
I've taken care of hundreds of kids.
Come on, we want to do it.
Don't we? I was gonna play basketball but I guess that's out the window.
If you take him out for a walk, remember to bring his hat.
There's milk in the refrigerator and diapers in the bag.
Hat, milk.
Got it! Consider it done! You understood? My uncle Sal has a really big tongue.
Is he the one with the beautiful wife? You want to hear the song I'm singing this afternoon? I wrote it this morning in the shower.
I'm in the shower And I'm writing a song Stop me if you've heard it My skin is soapy and my hair is wet And Tegrin spelled backward is nirget Rachel, sweetheart, could I see you for a minute? What's up? F Y I: I've decided to pay a professional musician to play here on Sundays.
Her name is Stephanie something.
She's supposed to be very good.
But what about Phoebe? It's not that your friend is bad.
It's that she's so bad she makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl it around.
Okay, so you're not a fan.
But, I mean, come on.
You cannot do this to her.
I have to do this to her? Lather, rinse, repeat And lather, rinse, repeat And lather, rinse, repeat As needed We didn't bring enough stuff.
Did you forget to pack the baby's anvil? I'm telling you, it'll be worth it.
It's a known fact that women love babies.
Women love guys who love babies.
It's the sensitive thing.
Aim him at that pack of babes.
Maybe one of them will break away.
Wait, forget them.
We got one.
Hard left.
-Give me the baby.
-No, I got him.
Come on, seriously.
Oh, seriously, you want him? Who is this little cutie-pie? Well, don't think me immodest, but me.
Want to smell him? I assume we're talking about the baby? He's got that great baby smell.
Get a whiff of his head.
My uterus just skipped a beat.
What'd I tell you? It's great you're doing this.
Well, we are great guys.
My brother and his boyfriend have been trying to adopt.
What agency did you two go through? But this is my gig.
This is where I play.
My name is written out there in chalk.
You know, you can't just erase chalk.
Honey, I'm sorry.
And he's going to be paying this woman? Why doesn't he just give her a throne and a crown? And, like, a gold stick with a ball on top? Terry is a jerk! That's why we always say, "Terry's a jerk!" That's where that came from.
You probably did everything you could.
You know what? Let me just see what else I could do.
Just let her go on after Stephanie whatever her name is.
You won't be here.
You don't pay her.
I don't know.
I'll clean the cappuccino machine! You don't clean the cappuccino machine? Of course I clean it.
I mean, I will clean it.
I mean, I will clean it.
All right, fine, fine, fine! -Done.
-Really? Who's working for you, babe? Oh, my God! This is so exciting! How much am I gonna get? What? He's paying the people who were playing.
I meant, he's paying that other woman because she's a professional.
I'm not gonna be the only one who's not getting paid.
I'm sorry, no! No, I'm not some sloppy second, you know, charity band.
There are thousands of places in this city where people would pay to hear me play.
When I play, I play for me I don't need your charity Thank you! I'm not getting a shot.
Maybe they can take the needle and squirt it into my mouth.
Like a squirt gun.
Hello there.
I'm Dr.
Carlin.
I see someone's having a little allergic reaction.
Doctor, can I see you for just a moment? My brother has a slight phobia about needles.
Did you tell him about my squirt gun idea? My brother, the Ph.
D.
, would like to know if there's any way to treat this orally? Under these circumstances, it has to be an injection, and it has to be now.
So? Go and have a seat.
The doctor says it's got to be a needle.
You're just going to have to be brave.
Can you do that for me? Oh, boy! You are doing so good.
You want to squeeze my hand? Ross, don't squeeze it so hard.
Honey, really.
Don't squeeze it so hard! Let go of my hand! Good plan.
Next time we want to pick up women we should go to the park and make out.
Taxi! Taxi! Look at that talent.
Just practicing.
You're good.
Carry on.
Wait, wait, wait! Hey, you.
He's just adorable.
Can you tell him that? Because he thinks he looks too pink.
-What are you guys out doing today? -We're not out.
We're two heterosexual guys hanging with the son of our other heterosexual friend, doing the usual straight-guy stuff.
You done? There's our stop.
Get out of here! This is our stop.
You guys live around here too? We live in the building by the sidewalk.
You know it? Since we're neighbors, what do you say we get together for a drink? So you want to go to Markel's? Sure, they love us over there.
Where's your baby? Ben! Ben! That's good.
Maybe he'll hear you and pull the cord! Stop the bus! Are you sure he didn't break it? It's really hurt.
No, it's just a good bone bruise.
And right here is the puncture wound from your ring.
-I'm really sorry.
-It's okay.
Sorry.
Sorry! I got my S's back! Which we can celebrate later.
Celebrate.
Celebrate.
He was a double, double Double-jointed boy So are you the professional guitar player? Yeah, I'm Stephanie.
Right.
My name was on there, but now it just says carrot cake.
So how many chords do you know? -All of them.
-So you know D? Do you know A-minor? Do you know how to go from D to A-minor? So does your guitar have a strap? Mine does.
Stephanie knows all the chords Come on! Pick up, pick up! Transit Authority? I'm doing research for a book.
I was wondering what somebody might do if they left a baby on a city bus.
Yes, I realize that would be a stupid character.
Here's the deal: We lost a car seat on a bus.
It's white plastic and it fits onto a stroller.
And there was a baby in it.
He wants to talk to you.
Everybody, let's give a warm Central Perk welcome to Terry's a jerk And he won't let me work And I hate Central Perk To Stephanie Schiffer! I'd like to start with a song I wrote for the first man I ever loved.
Zachary Are all invited to bite me We're the guys that called about the baby! Is he here?! He's here.
I assume one of you is the father.
-That's me.
-I'm him.
Actually, we're both the father.
Oh, Ben! Hey, buddy.
Please tell me you know which one is our baby.
That one has ducks on his T-shirt and this one has clowns.
And Ben was definitely wearing ducks.
Or clowns.
That one's Ben! Remember he had that cute little mole by his mouth! Hey, Ben! Remember us? Okay, the mole came off.
What are we gonna do? We'll flip for it.
Ducks or clowns.
-Flip for the baby? -You got a better idea? All right, call it in the air.
Heads.
Heads, it is.
We have to assign heads to something! Right! Ducks is heads because ducks have heads.
What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday? Just call me angel Of the morning, angel Just touch my cheek Before you leave me, baby Just call me angel Of the morning, angel Then slowly turn away I won't beg you to stay With me Here.
I thought you might be cold.
Thank you.
Look at you! You did pretty well.
$8.
27.
But not really, because I put in the first two.
Just to get the ball rolling and to make myself feel better.
Do you? You know, this whole playing for money thing is so not good for me.
I don't know, when l sang "Su-su-suicide" I got, like, $ 1.
75.
But then "Smelly Cat"? I got 25 cents and a condom.
So, you know, now I just feel really bad for "Smelly Cat.
" Honey, I don't think everybody gets "Smelly Cat.
" I mean, if all you've ever actually had are healthy pets, then whoosh! But it's not even that, you know? I used to do my songs because it made me happy.
Now it's just all about the money, you know? Well, people missed you in there.
In fact, there was actually a request for "Smelly Cat.
" Really? From who? Well, me.
And I know it's not your big money song, but it's my favorite.
Did I accidentally drop a condom in your case? It's kind of an emergency.
-Here you go.
-Thanks a lot.
Hey, Christine! I got it! I want to thank you for being there for me.
And I'm sorry I almost broke your hand.
That's okay.
I'm sorry I poisoned you.
Remember the time I jammed that pencil into your hand? Remember it? What do you think this is, a freckle? What about the time I hit you in the face with Sylvian's pumpkin? Remember when I stuck that broom in your spokes and you hit your head on the curb? But I remember people telling me about it.
I hope Ben has a little sister.
And I hope she can kick his ass.
I'm gonna get a new Band-Aid.
How about the time I cut the legs off your Malibu Ken? That was you? They were infected.
He wouldn't have made it.
My little nephew.
Come here, little one! There's my little baby, Ben! Hey, he's not crying! Hey, he's not crying! There's still pie! I'm here.
I'm here.
How's my little boy? You want Daddy to change your diaper? I know, I know.
Did you have fun with Uncle Joey and Uncle Chandler today? He rode the bus today.
Big boy riding the bus Hey, I have a question.
How come it says, "Property of Human Services"? You are gonna love this.
Can you hold Ben for a sec? Come here.
Come here.
Stay back! I've got kiwi! Run, Joey, run! Smelly cat, smelly cat What are they feeding you? No, no.
I'm sorry, it's: Smelly cat, smelly cat Smelly cat, smelly cat Better! Much better.
Good.
Don't feel bad, because it's a hard song.
-You want to try it again? -From the top? There is no "top," all right? That's the beauty of "Smelly Cat.
" Why don't you just follow me.
Smelly cat, smelly cat What are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat It's not your fault That's too much.
Sorry.
Don't cry.
Why is he still crying? Don't worry.
Nothing can't be solved by happy keys.
yeah, I was feel much better when someone shaked Jacks medal in my face.
Let me hold him for a sec.
Here we go.
There we are.
Maybe it's me.
Don't be silly.
Ben loves you.
He's just being Mr.
Cranky Pants.
You know, I once dated a Miss Cranky Pants.
Lovely girl.
Kind of moody.
There we go, all better.
There's my little boy.
Can I see something? Cool! He hates me.
My nephew hates me! I'm unemployed, and my nephew hates me! Stop, don't do this.
You are just unemployed.
What if my own baby hates me? What do I do then? Monica, stop! This is nuts.
Do you know how long it'll be before you have to deal with this problem? You don't even have a boyfriend yet.
Joey, she does not look fat.
The One With the Baby on the Bus Here you go.
Goo, goo, goo! That is so funny! Let me see that a sec.
You okay? I don't know.
What's in this pie? I don't know.
Butter and eggs and flour and lime and kiwi Kiwi? Kiwi?! You said it was a key lime pie.
No, I didn't.
I said kiwi lime.
That's what makes it so special.
That's what's gonna kill me.
I'm allergic to kiwi.
No, you're not.
You're allergic to lobster and peanuts and Oh, my God! It's definitely getting worse.
Is your tongue swelling up? Either that or my mouth is getting smaller! Get your coat.
We're going to the hospital.
-Will he be okay? -He's gotta get a shot.
You know, actually, it's getting better.
It is.
Let's not go.
Anyone up for Scrabble? Jacket, now! What about Ben? We can't bring a baby to the hospital.
We'll watch him.
I don't think so.
I have seven Catholic sisters.
I've taken care of hundreds of kids.
Come on, we want to do it.
Don't we? I was gonna play basketball but I guess that's out the window.
If you take him out for a walk, remember to bring his hat.
There's milk in the refrigerator and diapers in the bag.
Hat, milk.
Got it! Consider it done! You understood? My uncle Sal has a really big tongue.
Is he the one with the beautiful wife? You want to hear the song I'm singing this afternoon? I wrote it this morning in the shower.
I'm in the shower And I'm writing a song Stop me if you've heard it My skin is soapy and my hair is wet And Tegrin spelled backward is nirget Rachel, sweetheart, could I see you for a minute? What's up? F Y I: I've decided to pay a professional musician to play here on Sundays.
Her name is Stephanie something.
She's supposed to be very good.
But what about Phoebe? It's not that your friend is bad.
It's that she's so bad she makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl it around.
Okay, so you're not a fan.
But, I mean, come on.
You cannot do this to her.
I have to do this to her? Lather, rinse, repeat And lather, rinse, repeat And lather, rinse, repeat As needed We didn't bring enough stuff.
Did you forget to pack the baby's anvil? I'm telling you, it'll be worth it.
It's a known fact that women love babies.
Women love guys who love babies.
It's the sensitive thing.
Aim him at that pack of babes.
Maybe one of them will break away.
Wait, forget them.
We got one.
Hard left.
-Give me the baby.
-No, I got him.
Come on, seriously.
Oh, seriously, you want him? Who is this little cutie-pie? Well, don't think me immodest, but me.
Want to smell him? I assume we're talking about the baby? He's got that great baby smell.
Get a whiff of his head.
My uterus just skipped a beat.
What'd I tell you? It's great you're doing this.
Well, we are great guys.
My brother and his boyfriend have been trying to adopt.
What agency did you two go through? But this is my gig.
This is where I play.
My name is written out there in chalk.
You know, you can't just erase chalk.
Honey, I'm sorry.
And he's going to be paying this woman? Why doesn't he just give her a throne and a crown? And, like, a gold stick with a ball on top? Terry is a jerk! That's why we always say, "Terry's a jerk!" That's where that came from.
You probably did everything you could.
You know what? Let me just see what else I could do.
Just let her go on after Stephanie whatever her name is.
You won't be here.
You don't pay her.
I don't know.
I'll clean the cappuccino machine! You don't clean the cappuccino machine? Of course I clean it.
I mean, I will clean it.
I mean, I will clean it.
All right, fine, fine, fine! -Done.
-Really? Who's working for you, babe? Oh, my God! This is so exciting! How much am I gonna get? What? He's paying the people who were playing.
I meant, he's paying that other woman because she's a professional.
I'm not gonna be the only one who's not getting paid.
I'm sorry, no! No, I'm not some sloppy second, you know, charity band.
There are thousands of places in this city where people would pay to hear me play.
When I play, I play for me I don't need your charity Thank you! I'm not getting a shot.
Maybe they can take the needle and squirt it into my mouth.
Like a squirt gun.
Hello there.
I'm Dr.
Carlin.
I see someone's having a little allergic reaction.
Doctor, can I see you for just a moment? My brother has a slight phobia about needles.
Did you tell him about my squirt gun idea? My brother, the Ph.
D.
, would like to know if there's any way to treat this orally? Under these circumstances, it has to be an injection, and it has to be now.
So? Go and have a seat.
The doctor says it's got to be a needle.
You're just going to have to be brave.
Can you do that for me? Oh, boy! You are doing so good.
You want to squeeze my hand? Ross, don't squeeze it so hard.
Honey, really.
Don't squeeze it so hard! Let go of my hand! Good plan.
Next time we want to pick up women we should go to the park and make out.
Taxi! Taxi! Look at that talent.
Just practicing.
You're good.
Carry on.
Wait, wait, wait! Hey, you.
He's just adorable.
Can you tell him that? Because he thinks he looks too pink.
-What are you guys out doing today? -We're not out.
We're two heterosexual guys hanging with the son of our other heterosexual friend, doing the usual straight-guy stuff.
You done? There's our stop.
Get out of here! This is our stop.
You guys live around here too? We live in the building by the sidewalk.
You know it? Since we're neighbors, what do you say we get together for a drink? So you want to go to Markel's? Sure, they love us over there.
Where's your baby? Ben! Ben! That's good.
Maybe he'll hear you and pull the cord! Stop the bus! Are you sure he didn't break it? It's really hurt.
No, it's just a good bone bruise.
And right here is the puncture wound from your ring.
-I'm really sorry.
-It's okay.
Sorry.
Sorry! I got my S's back! Which we can celebrate later.
Celebrate.
Celebrate.
He was a double, double Double-jointed boy So are you the professional guitar player? Yeah, I'm Stephanie.
Right.
My name was on there, but now it just says carrot cake.
So how many chords do you know? -All of them.
-So you know D? Do you know A-minor? Do you know how to go from D to A-minor? So does your guitar have a strap? Mine does.
Stephanie knows all the chords Come on! Pick up, pick up! Transit Authority? I'm doing research for a book.
I was wondering what somebody might do if they left a baby on a city bus.
Yes, I realize that would be a stupid character.
Here's the deal: We lost a car seat on a bus.
It's white plastic and it fits onto a stroller.
And there was a baby in it.
He wants to talk to you.
Everybody, let's give a warm Central Perk welcome to Terry's a jerk And he won't let me work And I hate Central Perk To Stephanie Schiffer! I'd like to start with a song I wrote for the first man I ever loved.
Zachary Are all invited to bite me We're the guys that called about the baby! Is he here?! He's here.
I assume one of you is the father.
-That's me.
-I'm him.
Actually, we're both the father.
Oh, Ben! Hey, buddy.
Please tell me you know which one is our baby.
That one has ducks on his T-shirt and this one has clowns.
And Ben was definitely wearing ducks.
Or clowns.
That one's Ben! Remember he had that cute little mole by his mouth! Hey, Ben! Remember us? Okay, the mole came off.
What are we gonna do? We'll flip for it.
Ducks or clowns.
-Flip for the baby? -You got a better idea? All right, call it in the air.
Heads.
Heads, it is.
We have to assign heads to something! Right! Ducks is heads because ducks have heads.
What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday? Just call me angel Of the morning, angel Just touch my cheek Before you leave me, baby Just call me angel Of the morning, angel Then slowly turn away I won't beg you to stay With me Here.
I thought you might be cold.
Thank you.
Look at you! You did pretty well.
$8.
27.
But not really, because I put in the first two.
Just to get the ball rolling and to make myself feel better.
Do you? You know, this whole playing for money thing is so not good for me.
I don't know, when l sang "Su-su-suicide" I got, like, $ 1.
75.
But then "Smelly Cat"? I got 25 cents and a condom.
So, you know, now I just feel really bad for "Smelly Cat.
" Honey, I don't think everybody gets "Smelly Cat.
" I mean, if all you've ever actually had are healthy pets, then whoosh! But it's not even that, you know? I used to do my songs because it made me happy.
Now it's just all about the money, you know? Well, people missed you in there.
In fact, there was actually a request for "Smelly Cat.
" Really? From who? Well, me.
And I know it's not your big money song, but it's my favorite.
Did I accidentally drop a condom in your case? It's kind of an emergency.
-Here you go.
-Thanks a lot.
Hey, Christine! I got it! I want to thank you for being there for me.
And I'm sorry I almost broke your hand.
That's okay.
I'm sorry I poisoned you.
Remember the time I jammed that pencil into your hand? Remember it? What do you think this is, a freckle? What about the time I hit you in the face with Sylvian's pumpkin? Remember when I stuck that broom in your spokes and you hit your head on the curb? But I remember people telling me about it.
I hope Ben has a little sister.
And I hope she can kick his ass.
I'm gonna get a new Band-Aid.
How about the time I cut the legs off your Malibu Ken? That was you? They were infected.
He wouldn't have made it.
My little nephew.
Come here, little one! There's my little baby, Ben! Hey, he's not crying! Hey, he's not crying! There's still pie! I'm here.
I'm here.
How's my little boy? You want Daddy to change your diaper? I know, I know.
Did you have fun with Uncle Joey and Uncle Chandler today? He rode the bus today.
Big boy riding the bus Hey, I have a question.
How come it says, "Property of Human Services"? You are gonna love this.
Can you hold Ben for a sec? Come here.
Come here.
Stay back! I've got kiwi! Run, Joey, run! Smelly cat, smelly cat What are they feeding you? No, no.
I'm sorry, it's: Smelly cat, smelly cat Smelly cat, smelly cat Better! Much better.
Good.
Don't feel bad, because it's a hard song.
-You want to try it again? -From the top? There is no "top," all right? That's the beauty of "Smelly Cat.
" Why don't you just follow me.
Smelly cat, smelly cat What are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat It's not your fault That's too much.
Sorry.