Friends from College (2017) s02e06 Episode Script

1 - Woo hoo! - Wooo! [LAUGHTER.]
Time to blaze the tower.
Alright let's go.
I gotta take a massive shit.
- Woo hoo! - Yeah! Daredevil Trio.
Tag.
Little Man.
Skull.
[LAUGHTER.]
Clippers? I don't have any Clippers.
Clippers? I didn't bring any clippers.
Guys.
It's so far back down.
[SIGHS.]
[PANTING.]
Clippers.
Clippers.
Yeah, Little Man.
Yeah.
- Woooo! - Woo hoo! - I can't believe we're doing this.
- 100 percent pure adrenaline.
- Let's do the check! You good? - Oh, yeah, check! You good.
- You're good.
- You're checked.
- I'm good.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- You? You're solid.
Check.
- You're good.
- Check.
You're good? All right.
All right.
- Woo hooo hooo! - [SCREAMS.]
Daredevil Trio! Yeah! Yeah! [AWOLNATION - "SAIL" PLAYING ON RADIO.]
- Woo hoo hoo! - [LAUGHTER.]
[SCREAM OF JOY.]
Thank God! I love you, baby! I love you! Let's go.
Woo! Here you are.
Bon appetite! Thank you.
I like what you've done with the place.
Oh, yeah.
Yep.
This place is not born of self-hatred and guilt at all.
[CHUCKLES.]
I wouldn't know anything about that.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Have you ever thought about hanging a picture up on that wall? Actually, I have.
It looks like you're a serial killer - and I'm your next victim.
- It certainly does.
Morning, love birds.
Jesus Chris.
So Ethan, are you going to introduce me to your girlfriend? Oh, no, it's not like that.
We're not It's not that.
It's we're We're actually we're not the So this is more loosey-goosey? Well, not not entirely loosey-goosey.
Well you it's a little loosey-goosey.
No, you're right.
It's real loosey-goosey.
I mean it's not entirely loosey-goosey, right? I think I think what Sam's trying to say is that it's somewhat but not entirely loosey-goosey.
Is that right? I don't understand why we are discussing this with with this guy.
Alan.
With Alan.
We haven't even discussed it ourselves.
- No, I understand.
- I gotta go.
Sam? So are you two together or not? I don't know, Alan.
Okay? I don't know.
Trouble in paradise.
[ETHAN SIGHS.]
Okay, so it was nice meet you, Alan, and I'll give you a call.
Please.
Call me later.
Yeah.
Bye.
Bye, hon.
I think you crept her out.
- Hey, Liz, before you go - Yeah, what's up? Do you know what your problem is? What is my problem? - You're a user.
- Okay, I'm a user.
Yeah.
Now you need a sperm doner, you find me.
You need a mover, you find this clown.
You have a guy in your back pocket for every occasion.
You're a user.
That's who you are.
Well, dude.
I know this sucks.
But, be cool.
[MOCKING LAUGHTER.]
Okay.
You want me to be cool? 'Cause I'm super cool, man.
I'm super cool.
I'm sorry.
That wasn't cool.
You guys should go.
Jesus.
He started out so cool for a minute, then he just became so uncool.
You know? Hey.
How are you? Oh, wow.
Where's Max? Max isn't coming.
Oh, I thought I thought that the three of us were having lunch together.
No.
I asked you here because I wanted to discuss your writing partnership with Max.
What? My writing partnership? No, we don't have a writing partnership.
If he's contributing half the ideas, then his name should be next to yours on the book as a co-writer.
- Did Max tell you to say this? - No.
No.
He has no idea.
But, it's really bothering him.
He says he comes up with all of your ideas.
[SCOFFS.]
Well, I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous.
Sorry.
You took notes? Yes, but Max got you into YA, and he suggested all the source material for your last two novels.
He's been instrumental in every part of this process.
He deserves to be co-writer.
I honestly don't know what to say.
I I mean, this is wildly inappropriate and and I'm sorry, I'm having a hard time responding.
What I think is inappropriate is how you push him around like a little brother, which may have been your dynamic in college, but it can't continue.
- What is that supposed to mean? - Do you watch Ray Donovan? - What? - Ray Donovan? He's a fixer.
I'm fixing this for Max.
I'm fixing the situation because it's very upsetting to him, and we're getting married and I love him and I want to protect him.
from, you know, his friends.
Well, you know, if Max has something to say, then maybe he should come and say it to me himself.
Well, he tried, and then you started doing those voices.
- Look.
- Just give him credit.
It's the right thing to do.
Have you ever seen the show The Closer? - What? - The Closer.
'Cause that's a TV show, too.
I'm closing this.
- I'm the closer.
- I'm the fixer.
There's no closer.
I'm closing it.
I'm closing I fixed it Yeah.
Closing.
Closing.
Hold on, I Hold on.
I have something else here I wrote I wanted to say.
Oh, yeah, I fixed it.
Jesus.
I think Dash has really grown into his own this year.
He has a lot of personality.
- Yes, he does.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
But he's made a lot of improvements managing his moods and his emotions.
That is so great.
He's just he's enjoyed his year in your classroom so much, - Ms.
Chelsea.
- I know.
He talks about you all the time.
Ms.
Chelsea this, Ms.
Chelsea that.
He's such a cutie.
Well, you have a great summer, and thank you again so much.
Okay, Chels.
Am I gonna pick you up, or do we meet there? - If you could pick me up, that'd be great.
- Oh, sure.
- You left that thing at my house.
The - Oh, shoot.
- I can bring it.
Alright.
- Please do.
Oh, you [GIGGLES.]
Let's go.
- Okay.
- Come on.
Let's go.
Come on.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Bye.
Don't worry.
I got it.
That was all good news.
Ms.
Chelsea likes him.
- John.
- What? What just happened in there? - What? - Are you dating Ms.
Chelsea? Chels? Well Yeah.
I mean I told you that.
No, you didn't.
Yeah, I did.
You must have forgotten.
No, you didn't tell me.
Okay.
Well, I'm dating Ms.
Chelsea.
There, I - Hey.
Hi.
- Hi.
Yeah.
I could see how, so There.
Consider yourself told.
She is literally the only person you cannot date.
I can date whoever I want to date.
She's in the kids' lives.
- She so what? Hi.
- Hi.
Choose anyone besides their teacher or Or my sister.
[SCOFFS.]
God, your sister.
She wishes.
[CHUCKLES.]
What? You don't get to decide this.
- Does Dashiell know? - Of course he doesn't know.
I'm an adult.
I have boundaries.
I'm not gonna tell the kids.
Besides, it would break his heart, I mean, He wants to marry her.
Ha! You know that.
You really don't see what's wrong with this? Please.
Thank you so much for letting me stay here.
- Yeah.
- I'll be out of here ASAP.
No.
Please.
Stay as long as you want.
Oh, well, let me do that.
- I'll sleep on the couch.
- No.
No.
Come on.
You take the bed.
Okay? - Really? - Yes.
Okay.
Hey, did you think what Charlie said was true? Do you think that I that I use men? You use men? No, I don't I don't think you use men.
I don't know why he would say that.
I think he's I think he's probably just hurt, you know? It's like sucks to be the rebound.
But I would never say you use men.
- Well, goodnight.
- Yeah.
Again, thank you so much.
Yeah, of course.
Please.
Erm Fun boy.
Yeah.
Fun boy.
[LISA LAUGHS.]
I don't know how to turn this thing off.
[NERVOUS LAUGHTER.]
- Alright, well, goodnight.
- Alright.
You sure you don't want to take the bed? Yeah.
Yeah.
No.
Take it.
[JAMES - "LAID" PLAYING.]
This bed is on fire with passionate love The neighbors complain about the noises above But she only comes when she's on top The therapist said not to see you no more She said you're like a disease without any cure She said I'm so obsessed that I'm becoming a bore, oh, no Ah, you think you're so pretty - Oh, my God.
- What? No.
No, no.
Close the door.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
I didn't see anything.
I'm so sorry.
- I'm - I'm you know what.
I'm so-I'm just gonna take off, okay? No.
Don't take off.
I love having you here.
I love you! I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have I knew you got a lot on your plate.
I shouldn't do that.
I shouldn't say that, but I do.
I do.
I'm sorry.
Let's just Well, now Listen.
We don't have to talk about any of this ever again, okay? Fine, you're right.
- Okay.
I'm done.
You can come in.
- No.
I'm gonna No.
It's fine.
I'm just I was going to head out.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, my God - Morning.
- Hey, good morning.
Erm I made some coffee.
Here.
- Oh, thanks.
- Yeah.
Here.
Cream here.
You want some? That's good.
Thanks.
I'm spilling cream everywhere.
[SIGHS.]
I had the, uh the funniest dream last night.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, there was a giant blond gorilla in your bathroom.
- Really? - Yeah.
Weird.
[SCOFFS.]
Was he masturbating? He sure was.
Really? That's - Why would he I don't - I mean he didn't even lock the door.
Maybe the lock was broken - Mhm - in your dream.
- Mhm - You know, the thing got locked, and it was never fixed, in your dream.
Look, Nick.
You don't have to be embarrassed - I don't know.
- okay? I mean it's a a totally natural human urge.
Ah, dude, I'm sorry.
- Please, don't.
- I'm sorry I said all that crap.
I know you've got a lot on your plate.
I'll No.
So, let's just pretend that never happened, mostly just for my sake.
Erm I got an Airbnb.
You don't need to do that.
You don't need to get an Airbnb.
You can still stay here.
It's You just It was one time you caught me masturbating.
Now, it's just you and my grandma.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
Tag's Tag's jump crew thing is live.
You wanna see this? I don't know if I want to watch that.
I don't really, either, but [NOISE FROM THE VIDEO.]
Jumping off buildings is not a healthy way to live.
Does he have a parachute? If he jumps off, it means yes.
I'll never do that.
I mean I don't even know if I would go skydiving.
I'm terrified of heights.
I don't know why you would ever do this? Maybe out of a plane is one thing.
Suck my dick Holy shit.
Holy Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
[SCREAMING IN VIDEO.]
Oh, my Call an ambulance! God, you're still eating? What? I didn't even know I was eating.
- Can you hear me? - Please! - You're still doing it.
- I know.
I can't I don't know how to do anything.
[AWOLNATION - "SAIL" PLAYING ON RADIO.]
[SIRENS IN THE DISTANCE.]
Where's Tag? [THROWS UP.]
[FIVE FOR FIGHTING - "SUPERMAN".]
That's how it works.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Honey, I am heartbroken for you.
I can't believe he's gone.
Me neither It seems impossible.
Hey.
Oh, Marianne, I'm so sorry.
How can I Tag was such a legend.
And you know? A part of me always wanted to be him up until you know What? You know I loved him.
I really loved him.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah, honey.
Yeah.
Happy to see you.
I mean I'm not happy about the circumstance.
The circumstance is not good Happy to see you.
Sad about the circum Yep.
How crazy is this? - Yeah, life is so fragile.
- Totally.
You don't even You just don't know when you're going to go.
One minute you're throwing yourself off a building and then [RESTRAINED LAUGHTER.]
It's not funny.
Don't laugh.
Don't laugh! How tall was the building? It was one story too tall.
Oh, my God, you guys.
Could we be any less comfortable with death? Probably not a good idea for us to sit together during ceremony.
- That's a good call.
- Yep.
Good to see you.
You, too.
How's the Airbnb? It's exactly where I imagined myself at this stage of my life.
Sure.
[CHUCKLES.]
Sure.
It is weird though.
You know, I feel like Tag and Marianne were I don't know.
They were like so good together.
Yeah.
They made each other really happy.
Exactly.
Oh, poor Marianne.
How's she holding up? I mean she's pretty bummed.
This whole thing is kind of a bummer.
So eloquent.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Welcome, everyone, to Tag's US Memorial, and to everyone watching on the Daredevil Trio YouTube channel.
Big condolences.
Cameras are over there.
Everybody wave.
Got you.
There you go.
Thank you.
Yeah, that one.
Appreciate it.
I'd like to give a quick shout-out to our sponsor, Mountain Dew Code Red.
"Chug the rush.
" At a certain point, you have to take a moment and wonder "why do we do this?" Why do we risk our lives for no reason? Are we thumbing our noses at a society that tells us to sit in the cubicle and stare at a computer? Is that why? Just wondering over and over? Why? Why? Why? Why do we do this? Why? Why? - Why? - Why? Shh! I don't know why.
- I know.
- He's gonna tell you.
Is it the thrill? Why? Why? Why is he not telling us why? I'll tell you why.
Finally.
Because we will never stop.
He never answered why.
We will never stop.
Say it - We will never stop.
- Stop.
- Stop.
- We.
Will.
Never.
Stop.
We.
Will.
Never.
Stop.
We will never stop drinking Mountain Dew Code Red.
- Drinking Mountain Dew Code Red.
- What? I'm the one who packed his chute.
But I know he's not mad.
Tag didn't care what other people thought about his choices.
He didn't over examine every little move he made in his life.
He lived for love.
He lived for joy.
He jumped for joy.
[PIANO MUSIC.]
God, I hate sad funerals.
- Hey.
- Hi, honey.
How are you holding up? You must still be in shock.
God said "Tag, you're it.
" [DEEP BREATH.]
You know, it's been nice to have the funeral to keep me busy.
I'm worried about what will happen when things slow down.
Just wish there were something to look forward to.
You know what? Felix and I were just talking.
We would be honored, if you would officiate our wedding.
Oh, my God.
That is - That is so sweet.
Yes! - You're in? - Thank you! - Of course.
Thank you! [NERVOUS LAUGHTER.]
Okay, good! Yeah.
Yay! Amazing! That's so great! [NERVOUS LAUGHTER.]
I shouldn't have done that.
That was a mistake.
Where did that come from? Felix's gonna kill me.
Oh, man.
She's gonna forget.
She'll forget.
Because there's a lot going on.
There's no way she's going remember this.
I think you're right.
- She's gonna let it go immediately.
- I think so.
Also, Ethan, about the book.
You know what? I think we should write it together.
- Seriously? - Absolutely.
We always have fun jamming, man.
We've always have.
Yes, I know.
And Ethan, the fact that you see me like this that just that just means everything to me.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, man.
Absolutely.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Jam daddy.
- Thank you, uh, jam after jam.
- We're gonna jam it out! We must jam it out, right now, dawg.
- I don't even care.
- Let's hit it.
[BEATBOXING.]
Bring it in, buddy.
Get in here.
Drop it in right now.
Guys.
Guys! Hey.
It's a funeral.
Shh! Got them in.
Alright.
It's bad timing.
I was like right in the zone.
- You were in the pocket.
- I was in the pocket.
Hey.
Hey.
How're you holding up? Thank you so much for being here.
Hey, Guys.
You live, and then you die.
And life is the spaceship between those two points.
And I'm so happy to be on this spaceship with you guys.
[VOICE CRACKS.]
We love you, honey.
Maybe that's why they call it a friendship.
- Maybe.
- Could be.
I don't think so.
Hey.
I'm gonna take off.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'll see you soon.
- Alright.
Yeah.
- Bye.
I'll see ya.
Hey, I'm gonna take off, but I'll check in tomorrow, okay? Okay.
Thank you.
- I love you.
- I love you.
The name's Ray Donovan.
Best not forget it Felix! - Felix.
- Hey, hey.
How was the memorial? You're not gonna believe what happened.
All your friends fucked each other, and they all freaked out about it? No.
Ethan asked me to write his next book with him.
We're gonna share credits.
- What? - Yes! - Wow.
- Right? Well, congratulations! Why, thank you! Well, well, well.
Sometimes people do the right thing.
You know, they do They really do.
Ray Donovan, again.
You love this show.
[MAN ON TV.]
My daughter got arrested.
I find it very educational.
Before I forget, I asked Marianne to officiate our wedding.
You did what? Wait, wait.
You you did what? Thank you for inviting me over.
It's nice.
You know I actually don't feel like a terrible person.
When was the last time we did this and didn't feel like horrible people? I don't know.
It was a long time ago.
Like spring break senior year? Oh, yeah.
We almost went to Paris.
- Wait.
And then we didn't go.
- Yeah.
Because Rachel Kessler gave you a handjob in the Winthrop JCR.
Oh, yeah.
I forgot about that.
Are you seriously proud of a 20-year old hand-job right now? Yes.
Yes, I am.
Very much so.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Oh, my gosh.
And then and then you you got really upset, and you canceled the trip because - Yeah.
- because of a single handjob? I was pissed.
Yeah, but we weren't technically dating.
No, we were never technically anything.
I still think we should have gone to Paris.
We make all these like major life choices, and you're just a kid.
You were a dumb kid.
And you don't know anything.
You have no experience.
We're not kids now.
And and you know, we're not that dumb.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
You know.
Maybe we got to be like Tag and just Take the leap.
Well, it worked out for him.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Crapes are almost ready.
Sam? Sam? Sam? Fire.
Fire in the home.
Sam? Well, bon jour.
- Oh.
- Oh, hey, [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, hey.
Good morning.
Good morning.
So, what's, uh What's all this? I like crepes, so I thought that I would make some crepes for myself.
Oh, okay.
What are you doing here? Nah, I just came to get my My Fitbit charger.
There it is.
I'll never get those steps back.
Oh, well.
[NERVOUS LAUGHTER.]
See you later.
[ETHAN SNEEZES.]
What was that? It's the radiator.
No.
The tankless water heater doesn't make sounds.
[SCREAMS.]
Ethan! [SUFFOCATES.]
- God.
- John.
I think I'm having a heart attack.
Oh, my God.
I'm calling 911! Just hang on.
Everything's going to be okay.
God, my leg! Okay, just hang on.
Hang on.
You're going to be okay.
- Yeah, I'm okay.
- Okay.
Yes.
Thank you.
My husband is having a heart attack.
I need help! You'll be okay.
They're on their way.
The ambulance is on the way, sweetie.
They're on the way.
Everything's going to be okay.
- Just hang in.
- Sam, move away.
I know CPR.
No, no, Ethan.
Just leave it alone.
- The ambulance is on the - Yeah, I got it.
- They're coming.
- I'm just gonna [BOTH SCREAMING.]
Hey, what are you you're choking him! - You're having a heart attack.
- I'm gonna fuckin' No.
Stop it! John! [GROANS.]
Are you sure it wasn't a heart attack? I could have sworn it felt like one.
Panic attacks often mimic some of the symptoms.
It was very intense.
I wasn't overreacting.
I'm sure you weren't.
Well, then.
You have a lovely home.
Thanks.
So you guys going steady? Are you boyfriend and girlfriend now? What's the deal? We're together.
Yep.
We're together.
[SCOFFS.]
Okay.
Yeah.
Good luck.
Yeah.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
You want a crepe? Sure.