Futurama s02e06 Episode Script

Horsy to Pointy Guy Six.
Check.
Get him, boys! Good move.
Brannigan Begins Again Good news.
We have a mission to further|intergalactic peace.
- Nope.
Watching cartoons.
|- Sorry.
What's the mission? A delivery for the Democratic|Order of Planets.
What's that? It's like the United Nations|from your time, Fry.
Or like the Federation|from Star Trek.
Tonight's the ribbon cutting|for DOOP's new base.
- What are we delivering?|- Something necessary to the ceremony.
- The oversized scissors.
|- We'll deliver them as fast as we can.
Okay.
But don't run with them! Wow, a million aliens.
I've never seen|anything so mind-blowing! - A reception table with muffins!|- Ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the ribbon cutting|for the DOOP's new headquarters.
A fitting home for an organization|that fosters peace everywhere.
Even between the Insectoids|and the Space Lizards.
- What's it like on Amazonia?|- Big rats there.
- Me crush with club.
|- That's so interesting.
Why don't we have coffee together? There's no better place|for a home of diplomacy than here orbiting|the Neutral Planet.
What are your thoughts,|Your Neutralness? I have no strong feelings one way|or the other.
I hate these filthy Neutrals.
|You know where enemies stand.
But with Neutrals, who knows?|It sickens me.
Halt! Why, Leela!|I do believe we've met.
- He means you guys did it.
|- We brought scissors for the ceremony.
- Then you're under arrest.
|- Why? How do I know these aren't part|of a Neutral plot? They're not sharp.
Who could I hurt? The Yarn People of Nylar Four.
So a plan to assassinate|a weird-looking alien with scissors.
How very Neutral of you.
- What?|- It was almost the perfect crime.
But you forgot one thing:|Rock crushes scissors.
But paper covers rock.
|And scissors cuts paper.
Kif, we have a conundrum.
|Search them for paper.
- And bring me a rock.
|- Why? So beautiful, yet so Neutral.
Drag them to the ship! To cut the ribbon, the legendary|DOOP captain who just returned from a|carpet-bombing of Eden Seven Zapp Brannigan.
What makes a man turn Neutral?|Lust for gold? Power? Or were you born|with a heart of Neutrality? Sir? You should be cutting|the ribbon now.
No matter.
I'll simply cut it|from here with the ship's laser.
That may not be wise.
Kif, I don't need your|that-may-not-be-wise attitude.
Whoopsie-daisy.
You are accused of blowing up|DOOP headquarters.
How do you plead? - Absolutely 99 percent not guilty.
|- The prosecutor will call a witness.
Your Honor, I'm a simple hyper-chicken|from a backwoods asteroid but if it please the court,|I'll call the entire jury.
- I'll allow it.
|- Members of the jury did you all happen to gander at who blew up that there|DOOP headquarters? That's the guy there.
- Are you gonna vote to convict him?|- You better believe it.
The jury will disregard its testimony.
Your Honor, the prosecution rests.
The evidence against Brannigan|is strong.
But, in light of his service,|and this incompetent prosecutor l'm afraid I must dismiss|all charges.
What? Your Honor, I know the case|is closed and you've given a verdict but I want to testify.
|- I'll allow it.
Miss Leela, on the date in question were you or weren't you|wearing a skirt? That's a dumb question.
What matters|is Zapp's the worst captain ever.
I saw him blow up DOOP headquarters|with my own eye.
- I'd like to cross-examine.
|- I'll allow it.
- We've met before, have we not?|- Yes.
On that occasion,|you had sex with someone? - May I remind you, you're under oath.
|- Yes.
Please point out the person|you had sex with.
- And his name is?|- Zapp Brannigan.
The same man who didn't blow up|DOOP headquarters.
I rest my case.
Jury members, you may begin|your deliberations.
Your Honor, we have reached a verdict.
We find the defendant guilty.
You are hereby stripped|of your rank and dismissed from the DOOP.
I'd like to make one final statement.
Kif, come and hold up the flag.
Wave it a little, for God's sake.
You can take away a man's title|and his uniform.
But you can't take away|his integrity and honor.
- Plus, it was Kif's fault.
|- What? You too are stripped of your rank and dishonorably discharged.
One day a man has everything.
Then he blows up a $400 billion|space station.
Next he has nothing.
Makes you think.
- No, it doesn't.
|- Come, Kif.
It's time to begin our life as|civilians.
That's an order, soldier! - Hey, Bender?|- Yeah? This is the third hose fight|I've broken up.
And the second one with real hoses.
Move your asses and scrub|the ship like I ordered! - You don't have to get so mad.
|- Fry wiped off some of the dirt.
- Zapp?|- I didn't know where else to turn.
- You're the only one who loved me.
|- I never loved you.
- Physically.
|- What is it? Let me work for food.
I'll paint,|or service you sexually, or mop up.
- You can't do any of those things.
|- Kif might.
- Who are you talking to?|- Just a hobo who's hit rock bottom and his commander.
|- You're that disgraced captain.
He'll distract people from our|awful safety record.
Come in! I want everyone to meet our new|employees.
Which ones are new? - The green dude and the fat man.
|- I haven't seen that robot before.
I'm Bender.
You know,|the lovable rascal.
Oh, yes.
My good friend, of course.
Whoever you all are, I have good news.
You have a delivery to Stumbos Four.
|The gravity is so high you might be crushed|by your own hair.
Enjoy! So this Leela.
|I know she's a very sensuous woman.
- How is she as a captain?|- Really strict.
- And mean.
|- I see.
- Does she spank the crew?|- No, she just makes us work.
Good.
But should she ever institute|some sort of spanking policy l'll go for you.
I won't have|my comrades harmed.
Hey, this guy's all right! Here's to us poor schmoes working|for the man.
Even if he is a hot, sexy, female man.
- I computed our landing coordinates.
|- Thanks.
Very nice work.
- Wait, what?|- I said, "Very nice work.
" This is the happiest day of my life.
Okay, crew.
You have to deliver|these 40 pillows to the hotel.
Not heavy, but I'm still complaining.
That's because we have|an anti-grav pump.
Once you're out there,|gravity will be very intense.
Hey, no prob.
|This lead apron will protect me.
No screw-ups.
Use the hover dolly and deliver|one pillow at a time.
- Let's deliver them all at once!|- Yeah! That's using your noodle.
Come on, girdle.
Hold What the hell happened? Some breaking, involving the dolly.
|That's all we know.
I told you idiots|not to overload it.
- Each pillow weighs 150 lbs.
here.
|- Don't get your panties in a knot.
- We'll use the backup.
|- I'll load pillows.
No way.
You disobeyed an order so now you have to hand-deliver|all 40 pillows.
I have a serious question.
Does the company that|made your bra do girdles? - I ask because a friend|- Just get to work! - I'm Leela.
Get to work.
|- I agree.
The point is, it's just so|humiliating working for him.
Once he actually ordered me to shave his armpits while|he was in the tub.
So l Why don't we talk about|something besides Zapp? Oh, all right.
Well, how about them, um Okay, well, there he was|in the tub, right? Some good old high-gravity rain.
|That'll cool us off.
This is Leela's fault.
If she let us use the backup,|we'd have broken it and given up.
A good captain needs many skills like boldness, daring,|and a velour uniform.
I'm not convinced|she has any of those.
Leela's not too bad.
|She just makes us work so much.
When I was captain,|I only wanted my men's loyalty.
If I had that,|I didn't care if they drank beer in their underwear.
- Beer?|- Underwear? But now, Zapp's not|captain anymore.
I'm free! Hear that? I'm actually laughing.
This is a mutiny! You're out of here, lady.
|Zapp's the new captain.
All hail the new captain! You're a capable doer of the nasty but I'm taking over.
|- On what grounds, you oaf? Failure to prevent a mutiny.
|Throw her in the brig.
- What brig?|- Then the laundry room which will hereafter|be called the "brig.
" - You don't want me as captain?|- Right, genius.
- Didn't I do well?|- You were mean.
You yelled.
- You made us work.
|- A captain needs to do that.
- I thought we were friends.
|- Well you shouldn't have been so mean.
|- Don't worry.
Soon we'll be able to look back|on this and laugh.
Back in uniform.
It nearly|still fits despite the fattening hobo diet.
- What do I do with these clothes?|- Put them in the laundry brig.
- Do I have your loyalty?|- To the ends of the universe.
- Ten hundred percent.
|- That's not enough.
You're to sit and drink|until you're as loyal as Kif.
- Yes, sir, sir!|- May I have a beer, sir? No.
You're loyal enough.
|Meanwhile, I have a plan.
We'll attack our archenemy,|the Neutral Planet.
- Oh, jeez.
|- Once the threat is gone l'll be a hero and the DOOP|will reinstate me.
- Sir, that plan makes no sense.
|- Maybe not to you.
But you were court-martialed|in disgrace.
- Burn!|- Nailed you, buddy! Prepare for the fight between|good and Neutral.
Awesome! We'll be like,|pow-pow-pow! And they'll be like and we'll have pancakes|to celebrate.
And I'll be like Precisely.
Now, in the name of all|that is honorable we'll call them with a message|of peace, then fire.
Yes, sir.
Fly the white flag of war.
This is Zapp Brannigan, of the ship|Planet Express Ship.
- I come in peace.
|- Can we trust him, Your Neutralness? All I know is my gut says maybe.
- What now?|- We crash into the headquarters killing them in a firestorm|from which nothing can escape.
- And then?|- Then your mission is complete.
I'll already have ejected|wearing the only space suit.
- Wait.
Is this gonna kill us?|- Yes.
That's what I meant by loyalty.
Now help me into the only suit.
It's sweaty.
|You may need baby powder.
- We want you back as captain.
|- Let me guess.
He canceled naptime? He ran out of beer?|So he's about to kill us? - We want Leela to be captain.
|- Mutiny? Never thought I'd see the day.
|Come, Kif.
- There's a child's suit for you.
|- I want to stay here with Leela.
She actually listens|to what I have to He's disabled the steering!|We're gonna crash! Leela, save me! And yourself, I guess.
And my banjo! And Fry.
Okay.
We have one chance.
- Will you do what I say?|- Absolutely.
- Even if I make you work?|- As your God is my witness.
Get the backup dolly and put all dark|matter into the left engine.
Aw, man! That crap's heavy! - And warm.
|- Just do it! Your Neutralness, beige alert.
If I die, tell my wife, "Hello.
" I don't want to die at age 25.
Unless We hit a time Warp,|don't Worry about it.
- It's too low!|- Quick! You did it! You actually did it! And no one will be punished|for the mutiny! When Leela panicked,|maybe because of female troubles my quick mind saved the day.
- Is this tale of magic and glory true?|- Well, actually Good.
If they don't take him|back, we'll keep him.
It's true.
My female incompetence,|his cat-like reflexes the stuff that made no sense,|all of it.
In that case, Zapp Brannigan I hereby restore your rank|and parking privileges.
Come, Kif.
We've got work to do.
I'll call and tell you about it.
Leela, even though you're mean you're the best captain ever.
|- Yeah.
You're one dynamite lady.
- Can we have a week off?|- No.
- Please?|- Come on, captain.
- Oh, all right.
|- No time off.
- Oh, man.
|- Let's mutiny.