Ghosts (2021) s02e06 Episode Script

Uh. Sam, do you mind
asking Jay to move to the couch?
Okay. Why?
What?
Sass just came in and
he wants you to move seats?
Well, for about six minutes
every afternoon, that chair
is bathed in a shaft of light
and it feels really nice.
We don't have a lot going on, Sam.
He likes the shaft of light.
Sure, buddy. Go for it.
Yes!
Oh.
Oh, crap
Too late. I got the shaft.
Damn it. I snooze-eth and lose-eth.
Sass, I'll give you
ten back rubs for the seat.
I'll make it 20.
That's a pretty generous offer.
100 back rubs!
You got yourself a deal.
I'm sorry, what is going on? Back rubs?
You don't know about the back rubs?
How does she not know
about the back rubs?
Honestly, I try to shut a
lot of this ghost stuff out.
You don't deserve this power.
Back rubs are like our ghost currency.
We can't handle money, so centuries ago
we decided on back rubs.
The problem is, no one
can compete with Hetty.
Through a combination
of shrewd bargaining
and a general disdain
for physical touch
- Hmm.
- which leads her
to never cash them in,
Hetty has amassed a vast
wealth of back rubs.
It's not fair. Hetty's
constantly outbidding me.
I've only been dead for 20 years.
I don't have the capital.
Well, Trevor,
that's just how the world works.
You're new money and you always will be.
In the meantime,
it is I who gets the shaft.
And, let me tell you, it feels so good.
And here's your change, $1.50.
Enjoy your blender.
No returns.
Hey, man, could you go
a little lower on this lamp?
Wish we could, but we didn't
get rich by giving things away.
No, you got rich by inheriting
all my money when I died.
Henry, I think we have
a live one in cookware.
Hey, that's my Jell-O mold.
Put that down.
That is a family heirloom!
Hey, Jay, do you see
that guy over there? He's dressed
like one of your Ren fair buddies.
The only thing I see is a cheapskate
with a mustache and a fanny pack.
Oh, my God, he's a Viking ghost.
Thor's gonna have so many questions.
I have to go talk to him.
Excuse me. May I use
your restroom, please?
I'm sorry,
it's for paying customers only.
Okay, uh, Jay, just buy the lamp.
Thank you for undermining
my bargaining power, babe.
Hmm.
That's kinda cool. Sam loves fruit art.
Why is it upside down?
It's because they're swingers.
That's right. My son's a pervert.
Oh, hey, man, uh
This is a pretty cool
upside down pineapple.
Oh, are you into that?
Sicko!
A little, but honestly,
Sam really loves it.
Really? Well,
isn't she full of surprises?
She learned about it in college.
I'll bet.
Where did I go wrong?
And now the chair is cold. Damn it.
People don't understand
how nice a warm chair is
when you don't have pants on.
- You okay, buddy?
- Pete,
it's not fair how much richer
Hetty is than the rest of us.
Yeah, she throws around
her back rub wealth,
but what are you gonna do about it?
I don't know,
but we should do something.
She sits here lording it over us.
She's like those two old
rich guys from Trading Places.
Oh, great flick.
Oh! Maybe I should choose it
this week, when it's my turn
to pick TV time.
That's it.
TV time.
What What about it?
That's how I take Hetty down.
Yes, she's been around a long time,
but I was a Wall Street whiz kid.
And you just gave me an idea
for a new financial instrument.
It's simple as long as you
understand the basic principles
of market power and the downward
sloping demand curve.
Okay.
Well, I'm out. But have fun.
Hey, big fella, it's okay. I'm a friend.
In Odin's name, how can you see me?
I fell down some stairs
and was technically dead
for three minutes
It's a whole thing But who are you?
I'm Bjorn.
I'm from the land of Norvegr.
I died on this property
many, many moons ago.
Okay. Uh, well,
this is kind of a long shot,
but I live nearby and I know
another Viking ghost, Thorfinn.
Big man. Beard.
Yes, exactly.
Abandoned by his shipmates.
Yes! Do you know him?
It is he who I came looking for.
You see, I am
his son.
What is it? What must you tell Thor?
Okay. Well, like I said, it's big news.
I'm talking earth-shattering.
Well, he might want
to sit down for this.
- I-Is he sitting down?
- Yes, Jay.
How do they sit on furniture?
Wouldn't they just go through it?
You said they just go
through walls, right?
Whoa, this is gonna spin me
out for the whole afternoon.
By the loins of Freya,
tell Thor the news!
Okay, Thor. So, I went
over to the Farnsbys'
and I met a ghost.
He was a Viking ghost.
He was your son Bjorn.
How do you know this name?
I just told you I met him.
Is impossible.
You're saying that my son,
who I haven't seen
in a thousand years,
has been two ship lengths away
this entire time.
I know, it's so crazy,
but it's true. I would
never lie about this.
You met my baby Bjorn?
Well, he's all grown up now.
Last I saw him, he was just a
little boy.
Bjorn, when I was your age,
my father gave me this.
And now I give it to you.
May you spill the blood
of many Danes with it.
Now say, "Goodbye, Father."
Come on. You can do it.
Say "Father."
He's still too young to speak,
you know this.
Then I shall hear it upon my return.
But I never do hear him say "Father"
because I never return.
Well, he came looking for you, Thor.
All the way from the Old World.
What if a wall were made out of couch?
Would I not be able to go through that?
Thor want to know everything.
Have so many questions.
I thought you might, which is why
I asked a lot of questions.
Okay, so, Bjorn was married.
He had three kids.
You're a gramps, buddy!
Who was his first kill?
His first kill?
I don't think we covered that.
Okay
How many Danish heads did he
have lined up outside his cottage?
Again, I didn't ask that, specifically.
You call yourself journalist?
These are obvious questions.
Oh, yeah, he's got you there,
Sam. Who, what, where,
when, why, how many severed heads?
These are the tools of your trade.
Thor wish he could speak
to Bjorn himself.
He's so close yet so far.
I know. It's too bad that you don't live
next door to your son
and then you could just, like,
walk up to the property
line and talk to him.
But the Farnsbys' is two doors over.
Wait a minute.
There may be a way
for them to speak. Follow me.
Huh.
Need help?
Alberta, I know
it's your turn to choose,
but I'll pay you 50 back rubs
to watch Bodices & Barons.
Ugh, is that that boring
period piece drama?
Boring?
Did you not see the smoldering glances
the baron shot at the
chambermaid last week?
Shocked they can put
that on the television.
Well, as exciting as that sounds,
I already sold all my TV time
for the next month to Trevor.
Oh, you did? So did I.
I also sold Trevor my TV time.
It was part of some
elaborate plan of his
I didn't understand.
The plan's actually quite simple.
I bought everyone's TV time.
And now I have a monopoly
for the next month.
And I'm gonna use it
to watch classic '90s
figure skating rom-com
The Cutting Edge on repeat.
Relax, relax. All you have to do is
buy your TV time back from me
at a huge markup, of course.
Trevor, why are you doing this?
To level the playing field.
After this, I'm going
to have so many back rubs,
it's gonna be like
Burke Williams in here.
- What is that?
- Who's Burke Williams?
- Is that a bank?
- You may not understand that reference,
but trust me, it is apt.
Hey, babe, check it out.
See? Look. You can see the Farnsbys'
top floor from this window.
I noticed it recently after
Sass's tree got cut down.
- Sorry about that, Sass.
- Oh, he's not here.
Oh, okay, well, then, I am feeling
- Hetty?
- Let's not do this.
So how will Thor speak to Bjorn?
Well, if you stand here, then I will
get Bjorn to stand by that window,
then you two could yell at each other.
Yes! I can yell at my son
the way my father yell at me.
Except it would be out of love
and not anger that I eat
all the ram's testicles.
Okay. Be on this spot in one hour.
We just need to figure out some excuse
to get into the Farnsbys' house.
I'm sorry, did you say
"ram's testicles"?
I don't even want to know.
Is Norse delicacy.
I wonder if Bjorn likes
Did you ask him this?
It didn't come up.
Big surprise.
375 back rubs for Friday night.
400! Sold to Alberta.
Yes! Oh
It's a steep price, but at least
I'll get my Jason Momoa fix.
And we will be watching
certain scenes in slo-mo.
Aka slo-Momoa.
Not my best work, but I had
to get it out of my head.
What if, instead of
bidding against each other
and driving up the price,
we form a coalition?
Utilize the power
of collective bargaining?
Oh, like we form a union.
I did not use the U-word.
I am simply suggesting,
if we band together
and agree not to buy any
TV time, it becomes valueless.
And Trevor will have nothing.
Okay. So,
what are we supposed to do, just watch
The Cutting Edge over and over?
The guy loses his peripheral vision
and can't play hockey
but he can still figure skate?
Doesn't make any sense.
Okay, maybe we don't watch TV at all.
Like the good old days, you know?
Trivia, charades, sharing secrets
I don't like mustard.
You won't be able to
last without TV time.
You'll be back. You'll all be back.
No, Trevor. Not if we stick together.
Because together
the power belongs to the people.
Oh, I hate myself.
I really hated saying that.
How's Thor's hair?
What about scar, hmm?
Thor, he's not gonna be able to make out
those tiny details
from that distant window.
But he also won't smell the wolf urine,
so it all evens out.
Just so nervous and excited.
Is biggest moment of Thor's life.
What are you gonna
yell about with him first?
I don't know, just
So many questions, I
know so little of him.
Well, Samantha made some notes
from the conversation. Let's see here
He lived in
unpronounceable town
with far too many consonants
with his wife, Alma.
No, that wrong. That name Danish. It
must be mistake.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, that's what it says here.
He had three children:
Magnus, Inger and Lars.
But those also names of Danes.
Oh, dear.
Bjorn
married Dane.
Is deepest betrayal.
Bjorn is
traitor.
Well, you know, so was Benedict Arnold,
but he was still
a delightful dinner party guest.
Thor, who cares who he married?
Bjorn's your son.
No.
This is where you're wrong.
Thor have no son!
Well, this is gonna make
for an awkward reunion.
Yeah
So, how long do you think
this is gonna take?
I don't know, Jay. This is my first time
having to get a ghost Viking
to a designated scream spot,
where he will reunite with his
father after a thousand years.
- Ballpark?
- Five minutes?
Weird. It's open.
Oh, my God, Henry, it's Sam and Jay.
I told you. Hello, please come in.
Hi, uh, we came to return your lamp.
And I know you don't take returns
That is so cute.
But you didn't have to make up an excuse
to come to our little get-together.
Oh, you have company.
Uh, sorry to interrupt.
Oh, no, no.
We're so glad you could make it.
May I please use your bathroom?
Yes. Yes, of course.
And don't worry,
we won't start without you.
Thanks.
Come with us. Our friends will
be very excited to meet you.
Everybody, this is our neighbor Jay
and he's here for the party
with his wife, Sam, who's a blonde.
Oh, how I hate the first
Wednesday of every month.
Okay, so that's my house over there.
Your father should be appearing
at that window at any moment.
Oh, I see someone.
Hello! Bjorn is here!
It is Bjorn!
Just a moment! Thor'll be right here!
Tell him I'm very excited!
He's equally excited!
Of that, I can assure you!
A Fin, I could live with that.
A Swede, disgusting, but fine.
But why Dane?
Why you do that to me?
Dude, Denmark is actually pretty cool.
I mean, I've never been,
but I used to buy Whippets
from a Danish guy at Dead shows
and he was really cool.
Okay, Thor. It's showtime.
Your son is waiting for you.
I said I don't want to talk to him.
Thor, he traveled
half the world and waited
a thousand years just to find you.
That's more work than I put
in to meet David Crosby.
- Thor not care.
- Can you imagine
the disappointment
he is going to feel right now
if you abandon him?
You are his father.
- You're right.
- Oh
He is under the impression
that I am his father,
so I will speak to him,
and tell him he is no longer my son!
Okay. It feels like you're
deliberately twisting my words.
I miss Whippets.
How are you doing, Trevor?
Me? I'm awesome.
Nine and a half Cutting Edges in,
and it just keeps getting better.
Are you sure? You look a little glum.
Man just lost his peripheral vision.
Of course I'm a little glum.
But exclusively about that.
Tell me, when you were alive
why did you want to make money?
Excuse me?
Let's say you had not died
tragically young and without pants
and you had made
all the money you'd ever wanted.
What would your life have looked like?
Paint me a picture.
Okay. Um
I'm in a glass-bottom pool
on top of a skyscraper that I own,
and Kid Rock is there
and he's deejaying,
but not because I'm paying him,
because he's just there
and it happens spontaneously.
And we have an epic party.
And afterwards, I make love
to my wife, Tara Reid,
and post-coitus, together,
we watch The Cutting Edge.
Duh.
It seems like money
wasn't just about money, then.
It was about friends.
About having someone to share it with.
I guess so.
But now, your pursuit of wealth
has left you all alone.
Take it from someone
who actually was rich.
It's lonely at the top.
The question you have
to ask yourself is
is it worth it?
Hold up.
You have a toy room, too?
I love how excited you are about this.
Sam thinks I'm a freak for having one.
You know, I wasn't
into it at first, either.
You just gotta play around a little bit
till you find the ones you like.
Can we trade wives?
Uh, and on that note,
ladies and gentlemen,
the time has come.
Is this because I didn't breastfeed you?
What you doin', Margaret?
Oh, um
Ah.
After some careful
consideration, I have decided
to give everyone their TV time back.
What's the catch?
No catch.
It's just, someone made me realize that
while money is important,
it's not as important
- as friendship.
- Aw.
I had all the TV time in the world,
I just didn't have anyone
to share it with.
Alberta
I believe tonight's pick is yours.
Aquaman. Then, if there's time,
select scenes from Game of Thrones.
And you know the ones I'm talkin' about.
Have a seat.
Proud of you for learning the
right lesson, buddy.
Alberta, I'll give you 200 back
rubs to watch Bodices & Barons.
- Wait, what?
- Sold.
Hetty, you didn't mean any
of that stuff you said to me?
You just tricked me into
giving up my monopoly?
That's right.
And what about your speech?
You said that friendship
was more important than wealth.
No, I said you need
to ask yourself that.
I have and I know the answer.
It's wealth.
Oh, it's wealth.
That's why she's the top dog.
There's no low she won't stoop to.
It's time to watch the baron
glance at his mistress.
The glancing, oh,
how I love the glancing.
Thor, wait
Bjorn! Are you there?
Yes, I'm here!
Thor, please don't say
something you can't take back.
Bjorn! I have something to tell you!
What is it, Father?
Hello?
Father?
Come on, you can do it.
Say, "Father."
Hello?
Father!
Are you still there?
I am here, son!
What did you want to say?
That
I love you!
Thank you for coming to find me!
I love you, too!
Okay!
Good talk!
Yes. Yes, great talk!
That's That's it?
- We gotta get out of here.
- Jay,
the sweetest thing happened.
Yeah? Do you think we can
climb out that window,
or should we just jump?
Can't we just go down the stairs
and walk out the front door?
Okay.
Take my hand, close your eyes
and whatever you do,
don't touch anything.
Oh. We got an email from the Farnsbys.
Apparently, we've been invited
to their Christmas Toga Party this year.
That is chilling.
Sam. Hello?
Sorry, just a little distracted.
They steal silverware!
- It's very important to know!
- Look, Thor.
I think it's great you're
reconnecting with your son,
but maybe you could do it
during daylight hours.
Making up for lost time.
You see, I realize
it is not Bjorn's fault
that he married Dane.
Children not born
with hate in their heart,
they must be taught it and
I was not there to teach him.
Night, babe.
Now let's talk hygiene!
Danes, very dirty!
They never wash undercarriage!