Gimme Gimme Gimme (1999) s02e06 Episode Script

Gimme gimme gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme gimme gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer
Gimme gimme gimme a man! ♪
Hi. I'm Rick Cheesecloth.
Let me tell you,
I know a lot about sofas.
Why? I speak to thousands of happy
customers who buy top-of-the-range
seating arrangements every day.
Hmm. This feels wonderful.
And it's only 499.
Yes! 499!
And if I buy this weekend,
I pay nothing for 25 years.
But what do other people
look for in a sofa?
I need a sofa that will stand the
test of time and be fashionable,
too.
With three triplets
under the age of nine,
we need a sofa that's gonna beat
that bounce test, and be wipe-clean.
My sofa's my best friend.
Cheers!
So whatever your sofa-needs,
hurry down to world of sofas -
today!
Oh, shut up! Silly git!
I'd like to knock him out,
give him some of that.
Quiet! I'm reading my stars. Shush!
Is the moon in YOUR-ANUS?
"Pisces - a telephone call
brings good news, and it's
an excellent day for travel."
- What are you again? - Stunning.
"Leo - avoid wearing miniskirts. You
look like a stupid fat cow in them."
Well, it's spot-on.
"Spot-on"?
"Spot-on"?
Freak!
It's just a saying -
like "mutton dressed as lamb".
Here's another one -
"Kiss my arse!"
For goodness' sake!
It's barely 8am.
I don't want to consider
your lumpy bare behind.
You're putting me off my porridge
with images of stretchmarks!
Stretchmarks?
The skin on my cheeks
is as tight as a tambourine.
Bang it, baby!
Linda, please,
you're bringing on one of my heads.
Ohhh!
One of my headache heads.
- I didn't have to be up this early.
- I never made you get up.
I'm supposed to sleep through you
singing Hit Me Baby One More Time?
You want to get some ear plugs.
The
walls in this flat are wafer thin.
The things I hear you get up to
of an evening
Strain, strain, strain
Then you call out somebody's name.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- Who is Denis Norden, by the way?
That's libellous. Anyway,
I could wear a steel Balaclava
and a small horse on my head
and still hear that
cacophonous crap through my walls.
I just thought you might want
to support me on me big day.
Your big day? You're starting work
on a factory production line.
You call that a big day?
It is for me, mate. I can't wait.
It'll be like The Rag Trade.
- "Brrr! Everybody out!"
- I couldn't do manual work.
I'm far too middle-class.
Bollocks!
You're like me - common as muck.
I'm nothing like you!
I've worn "juh-hod-purs".
What?
"Juh-hod-purs" -
- a sort of upper-class shell suit.
- PHONE RINGS
Ooh! My horoscope said
a phone call brings good news.
Shut up! It'll be Big Boss
wanting to know me uniform size.
Hi! 36 double-D.
What's your inside leg?
..Oh, right. Hang on.
- It's your agent. - Oh, oh, oh!
..Hi, Norma. Hi.
No, I'm always up at the crack!
Nothing like the early hours
to slip on a jockstrap and have
a stab at a couple of star jumps.
So how can I abet?
..Oh, great! Great!
Place? Time? I'll just get my PA
to pass me a pen.
- PA! - P off!
She's got a wonderful
sense of humour.
Yes, thank you.
That'll be all Mrs Bridges!
OK, your pistol's pointing me-wise,
so shoot from the hip.
Yup, great, lovely.
Yup, okey dokey, pig-in-a-pokey.
How much will I be paid?
Lovely. I'll see the director
on the set at ten.
OK. OK. Ciao, bella. Ciao.
Well, slip me a fish
and call it Wanda!
I've gone and got meself a job.
My horoscope was right.
What is it? Are they bringing back
Bad Girls? Are you going to be
a dirty screw in Bad Girls?
No, it's an advert.
I've always wanted to do one.
Remember when I almost got
that insoles commercial? I was
nearly the face of Odour Eaters.
Some adverts are brilliant
these days. What's it for?
But most of all, I want a sofa
that says, "I'm an individual."
"I'm an individual"
Well, that sounded top-notch. I was
only tinkling, so I heard every
word.
Well, I love your Winnebago.
Does everyone in adverts get one?
Only the greats - Zeffirelli,
Pauline Quirke, me
You have to queer your pitch
and say "Talent for sale!"
to end up with such trappings.
Hope you didn't feel uncomfortable
with my use of the word "queer"
there Tom.
I use it all the time.
Stick with me, kid.
I'll give you a lift home in my
limo.
- Limo? Oh, God, thanks, Rick.
Thank you so much. - You're welcome.
It's the same
the whole world over
It's the poor who gets the blame
It's the rich
who takes the pleasure
Ain't it all a bleedin' shame? ♪
I don't half get bored
with this mashed potato.
I wish we could sausages
like them lot over there.
- I don't know what it is about
sausages, but whenever I see one
I come over all funny. - Do ya?
Eh? Eh? Do ya?
- You're making some nice big lumps,
Linda. - Thanks.
I'm often complimented
on the size of me lumps.
Ron, don't you think
me and Linda look like twins?
Piss off, do we!
You've got the sight in both eyes,
obviously.
Ron, is she a bit backward?
Between me, you and the postbox,
I overheard this bird in the bog
who said there's a new girl
with red hair who's a bit thick.
Don't take any notice of gossip.
Tongues can be vicious things.
Ooh, I know!
You ain't half good fun, Linda.
Ain't she good fun, Ron?
I was a good time
that was had by all.
You got a man, Linda? I bet they're
queuing up for you, ain't they?
Eh? Eh? Ain't they? Eh?
Yes, Daisy, they are. But I'm young,
free, single and slack.
What about you, Ron?
What? Have I got a man in my life?
Yes.
Oh, bloody hell! Everywhere I go,
I'm surrounded by homos!
- I want to go to another section!
- I'm pulling your leg.
I meant my dad.
Oh, Ron! You can pull my leg
any time you want.
You can pull anything you want.
I'm very supple.
Is your dad tall, Ron?
I always pictured him being tall.
I'm mad like that, Linda, honestly.
I always picture people being tall.
- Great(!) - He's about my height.
- Oh, that's a lovely height.
Oi, you dirty bitch!
Stop flirting over the conveyor
belt. God, you're so blatant!
Do you live with just your dad,
or your dad and your wife?
- I'm not married. - Really?
What do you look for in a lady,
apart from the obvious? A nice
big chest? Filthy personality?
I have to admit, I do like redheads.
Really? Well, I'm red all over -
collar and cuffs!
You're naughty!
- You are, you're naughty! - I know.
Bend me over and spank me! I'm bad!
DOOR SLAMS
Hi, honey, I'm home!
- Hi! - Hi. - This is Linda, my roommate.
She's huge in mashed potato.
- Rick Cheesecloth, voice of
the nation. - Linda le Hughes, Voice
Of The Beehive fan club member.
Don't take this the wrong way, mate,
but you don't half look like
that prat out of them sofa adverts.
God, I can't stand him.
I'd like to give him a good slap.
No, no, no, you're right.
It is that prat. It is It is..
It's Rick. Be nice to him, please.
Ever thought of doing something
with that? It's extraordinary.
I know. Mummy said
it was my morning glory.
I think I'm going to have to hide
behind the sofa. Ugly lady alert!
Yes, I know.
Is it a Triffid? Is it a Dalek?
No, it's Linda!
AMERICAN ACCENT:
We've made contact with Mars!
I'm going to throw up.
It's like a cross between Chris
Evans and Olive from On The Buses.
Oh, I get it. I get the picture.
You're being vile to me cos you
want to be on your own. Have fun,
you dirty great pair of homos.
How did she know? How did she know?
- Know what? - I'm usually
very popular with the ladies.
Please, sit down and try and relax.
I am on edge.
I'm a huge celebrity taking a
giant-step-for-mankind sort of risk.
But
..I find you more enticing
than a three-seater banquette
with adjustable arm-rests, Tom.
Would you have such a thing as
a sofa-bed in your passion palace?
I've an overwhelming desire to pull
something out and double its size.
What have you done to your hair?
You look like thingy Hitler.
Er, Heil.
Rick says it really suits me.
Wise up!
And tell your boyfriend, next time
he uses the bath to lock the door.
Me knickers were round me ankles
and me cheeks were on the rim
before I even realised he was there.
Rick went to public school.
He's very physically uninhibited.
My Uncle Billy got arrested
for being uninhibited.
Rick wouldn't flash at schoolgirls.
Billy wasn't a flasher.
He was just absent-minded.
- So absent-minded he forgot to put
his pants on? - We've all done it!
Aaaargh!
Where the hell did that come from?
It's one of Rick's freebies.
Isn't it gorge? And it was only 399.
Yes, 399!
Euuugh!
- Give me a ciggie.
- No, I've given up. - What?
- Rick says, kiss a smoker, kiss an
ashtray. - Kiss a Rick, kiss a prick!
Oh!
You need to tape these to your
buttocks, then you won't slip off.
It reminds me of that day trip
at borstal. The girls superglued me
to the back of the bus.
We were at Giggleswick before the
driver heard me screams. Bless 'em!
Borstal? You went to borstal? Young
offenders should be shot on sight.
I agree. Hanging's too good
for them. Did you see Dead Man
Walking? Had me peeing my pants.
I didn't say "borstal", you deaf
bastard. I said "Portsmouth".
It's where I come from.
Can't you tell by me accent?
Love Portsmouth.
Love the bloody place.
I was in panto there in the '80s -
Babes In The Wood with Gary Glitter.
Where's my coffee, Tom?
- Oi, stop bossing him about!
- Butt out or get pretty!
For heaven's sake! If it's going to
take all day, forget it.
I've done it.
He isn't always like that.
When we're alone, he's different.
My Auntie Susie was married
to somebody with 17 personalities.
He was a bugger
to buy Christmas presents for!
God, that's so interesting(!)
No wonder you can't get a bloke.
But I have got a bloke.
His name's Ron. Do you want to see
his picture?
I'd rather cosh myself over
the head with a hostess wagon!
I nicked his Filofax and I'm going
to get him round here later
to get it back. That's my plan.
Ain't he gorgeous, Tom? That girl
he's with is Daisy from me line.
I don't know why he's got his arms
around her. She's thick as shit.
Tom?
Tom?
SHE PANTS AND GASPS
Come in, Ron. Your Filofax is here
somewhere. I'll find it in a minute.
I'm sorry there wasn't room for you
on the tandem.
You're a really good runner though,
Linda.
Oi, I never said you could come in.
I only said he could come in.
Ain't she a good runner? Eh? Eh?
Nice and bouncy.
Come and sit next to me
on the bed, Ron.
- This is a lovely bedroom, Linda.
- Thanks. I've got an eye for colour.
I could be on Changing Rooms.
I'd make a packet.
It's like a big pink flower.
I'm mad like that, Linda. I think
everything's like a big pink flower.
Cor, you can't keep it stum
for five minutes, can you?
Is that my Filofax?
It looks like a Filofax.
But I can't be sure,
what with my eye.
I can't bend down, Ron, because
I've got this lace body stocking on,
with Velcro round the crutch.
You want to here the noise it makes
when it opens.
It's like
a thousand little lips kissing.
That sounds lovely, Linda.
Bend over. I for one would be
really interested to hear that.
What are you, some sort of lesbo?
- I think I can get it. - No, no.
I'll get it.
Ooh! Ooh! I came over all funny.
Come on, Ron. Time to make tracks.
- Won't you stay for a drink?
- I'd better get Daisy home.
If I don't see you through the week,
I'll see you through the window!
Bye, Linda.
Bugger!
For goodness' sake! Do you have to
eat with your mouth open?
How else am I supposed to
get the bloody food in there?
That god-awful hat!
Do you sleep in it as well?
Yes. It reminds me of my boyfriend.
Stupid fat pig! You haven't got one.
I remember when
you used to be nice to me.
I remember when you were a laugh.
I still am. What do you call a nun
with a washing machine on her head?
Strong.
"Sister Matic"!
Now get out. I think Rick wants to
talk to me about something special.
What, is he here again? Ain't he
got his own bloody home to go to?
Well, yes, he has.
But tonight, Linda, I think he's
going to ask me to move in with him.
- You've only know him five minutes.
- In gay years that's a lifetime.
Linda, can't you just picture it?
A small Essex mansion. Pansies in
the garden, puppies on the porch.
A small brook babbling by.
- You're not going to say yes, are
you? - I'm not spending the rest of
my life in this shit-hole with you.
Why not?
Oh, stop wailing like a banshee!
You're getting snot all over
the macaroni cheese.
- Give me a hanky. - Don't you
tempt me. I'll dip it in chloroform
and stuff it down your gob!
Stop picking on me. You can't
leave me, Tom. You're my flatmate.
Exactly! I am not your partner!
- Oh, please, Tom, don't leave me.
- Get off me! This is dry-clean only.
- That's such a revolting sight.
- Yes, isn't it?
You! I hate you,
you long streak of piss!
I'm going round to my boyfriend's.
Ron will take me in.
Get out.
There's nothing as nauseating
as a big, fat, insipid,
piggy, pasty, premenstrual slag.
Don't you agree?
Not really, no.
Well, hey-ho!
Goodbye single lifestyle.
Delia Smith's One Is Fun.
Oh, no, it ain't, Delia. In the bin.
Single Ball Action by Michael Owen.
In the bin. Paula Yates'
Guide To Relationships. In the bin.
- Tom, I did want to talk to you
some time this year(!) - Oh, I'm
sorry.
Right. OK. I'm all ears.
- What a funny expression. Imagine
if you WERE all ears! - Shut up!
- There's something I have to ask you.
- Shouldn't you be on bended knee?
- Stop fussing! You're like a girl.
- I want everything to be right.
There comes a point in
every man's life when you take
stock.
You wonder whether certain changes
need to be made in order to feel
more content, centred, secure.
I want to make those changes, Tom.
Yes, I really do.
- So do I.
- But I want to ask you before
I go ahead and organise anything.
So, I may as well come out with it.
- Tom? - Rick?
- Is it time I had a face-lift?
Is that it? Is that the question?
Of course. What did you think it
was? "Will you move in with me?"
God! I can really see the wife
approving of that(!)
Oh, God! I just thought
our relationship had got to
that stage where we could
What did you say?
What? Your wife? Are you married?
That's why I come here. My wife
wouldn't let you on our four-poster.
I don't believe this.
But you're gay.
What on earth makes you say that?
Sleeping with me
was pretty big pointer.
Tom, Tom, Tom!
You silly sausage!
I'm a straight man
who sleeps with men. OK?
I'll phone the clinic now.
Actually, don't phone the clinic.
What I'd really like you to do,
actually,
is stand up, take your mobile phone
out, extend the aerial a little bit
and shove it right up your saggy,
misogynistic, homophobic arse!
How dare you assume I'm like you?
How bloody dare you?
I don't hate women. I don't hate
gay people. I don't hate PEOPLE.
And most of all,
I don't hate myself. Now get out!
- I'll come back when you've
calmed down. - Don't bother!
I like the men in my life to
stand up for what they believe in,
not to be so far back in the closet
they're in fucking Narnia!
Lindy!
Ooh, a little baby!
Hello, little baby!
BABY WAILS
- You?! - Oh, hi, Linda.
How can I help you?
You four-eyed ginger-headed bitch,
with your breathy voice
and your head bobbing up and down!
- I can't help it. - Really? - Yeah. Look.
Oh. Oh, hi, Linda. What's up?
Um, I just came to say
I'll be late for work tomorrow.
I've got an appointment
with a modelling agency.
Someone spotted me
and said I was really beautiful.
Bleugh!
Tom, can I ask you something?
Will you be honest with me?
- Yes. - Am I doing something wrong?
- Can I be honest with you? - Yes. - Yes.
You're not demure enough.
You need a crash course at
the Tom Farrell Academy Of Flirting.
- Come on, I'll show you. - What?
Just imagine we're in a wine bar,
and I'm a businessman
in pinstripes and brogues.
It's mid-evening. Richard
Clayderman's tinkling in the corner.
Use the bloody toilet!
I'm on my second bourbon and dry.
Oh, look! A lovely lady has come in.
- I wonder who she could be. - Oh!
- Hello. - Hi
Straight men don't wave like that.
It doesn't matter.
Come on. Hello, hello. Hi.
- My name's Kenneth.
- That was my mother's name.
- Would you care to join me? - Am I
going to get a shag out of it?
- This is so boring.
- You're not making an effort. OK.
- What do they call you?
- The Bike, but it's just jealousy.
- What is your name? - Britney. - Oh.
And what do you do for a living?
I chew corn for gummy parrots.
- Um, are you doing anything later?
- You, hopefully.
This is ridiculous. Men don't like
their women aggressive. You must be
more innocent, more virgin-like.
All right? OK? We'll try it again.
Britney, what's a nice girl like
you doing in a place like this?
I'm a virgin.
Right
- You see, I'm boring you. - Well
It was better when I was filthy.
Men like a bird that can make them
laugh and get 'em stiffed up.
Come on, Kenneth.
How big is it? Can I feel it?
- I'm not playing any more.
- You're crap.
- I'm not used to chatting up girls.
- I'll be the bloke and chat you up.
Right, so it's a gay bar.
Lots of white T-shirts.
Everyone's dancing like that.
- DEEP VOICE: - All right, mate?
My name's Mick? What's yours?
- I'm Thomas. - Excellent! Did it hurt?
What?
When you fell from heaven, baby!
Oh, thanks. Do you work?
I'm a builder. I make houses.
Big ones, small ones, flats
Love it!
I've always wanted
to pull a builder.
Well, tonight's
your lucky night, mate.
- Anywhere where we could go? - I'm
working on a flat round the corner.
The keys are in me pocket. Feel.
Ooh, yeah!
- I don't usually do this.
You hear such horror stories.
- Don't you trust me?
- I oughtn't but I'm tempted. - It's
all right, baby. I won't hurt ya.
Oh, God! I feel a little bit tipsy.
- Oops! - Ooh!
Nice arse!
- Thanks. - Can I feel it?
- Of course, Mick.
- Cor! I can't wait to get you back
in that flat. - Be gentle with me.
- Gentle? I don't the meaning of
the word. - Great! Come on, let's go.
- Oh, no! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
What am I thinking? - What?
I forgot my drink!
Gimme gimme gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme gimme gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer ♪