Girls5eva (2021) s02e06 Episode Script
B.P.E.
1
"B.
P.
E.
" take one.
B.
P.
E.
♪ Got that big pussy energy ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ Big pussy energy! ♪ So I was thinking for the vocal, - just really raw emotion.
- Okay.
Like, don't overthink it.
When I cry at a movie ♪ I'm really crying about myself ♪ Only sad that lady's dying ♪ 'Cause I'm thinking about myself ♪ Yes, Wickieta.
♪ This one's gonna be catnip for the Property Brothers.
Whoa, oh, oh ♪ Kitchen reveal ♪ The couple liked it ♪ - B.
P.
E.
♪ - Kick down the doors ♪ No locks, I don't need a key, eyes down here ♪ Yeah, I'm the centerpiece, animal queendom ♪ Feline synergy, kickin' down the doors ♪ Big pussy energy ♪ This album is fire, Dawn.
We are a dream team.
Call us Coxsackie.
Your hand to my mouth.
- Oh, thanks, Wick.
- I actually have one more.
It's got nostalgia vibes, kind of like Gaga's "Joanne.
" - Oh, I loved that.
- And I was actually thinking - that I might - Ooh, yes! A juicy solo thank you, Dawn.
Yeah, sure.
Of course.
All yours.
You'll be amazing.
& Daughter ♪ I applaud her ♪ - What's it about? - Oh, it's, uh actually about my grandmother.
Rosemary.
- Aww.
- Yeah, she was the first "& Daughter" on a sign in City Island.
Oh, there she is.
Look at that.
- They sold fish scraps.
- She was an eye digger.
Well, music's all a metaphor ooh, I'ma have to learn some Italian? Come over here.
What is this? Voglio farlo io! Vaffanculo! Voglio farlo io! ♪ Vaffanculo! ♪ Yup, that's it.
Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪ It's too short ♪ Gonna be famous 3gether ♪ 'Cause that's 1 more than 2gether ♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪ So what are you waiting 5? ♪ Girls5eva ♪ Ladies, I can't believe you're so close to being done.
So we need to start thinking about launch.
Already on it bandage dress, bold lip, - purse shaped like a watermelon.
- Great.
But we also need to clean up any "soche-meed" snail trails.
You saw how fast Stinker went down.
Delete any weird tweets, Facebookeries.
We don't want anyone to find old pics of y'all dressed as Pocahontas for Halloween.
Wait, even if we were honoring how hot she was? I got zero skeletons, except the one in me.
Wait.
Didn't we wear "Bill Clinton is innocent" shirts somewhere? The villain from the Ryan Murphy mini-scaries? Boy, the world was slow to get that one right.
Well, we were all under Jay Leno's spell.
Did we wear those in "P-BAG"? What in Zendaya's scorched earth is "P-BAG"? After you ditched us to go solo and Ashley joined her eighth girl group, Lip City, uh, we did a pilot for a hidden camera show.
Yeah, it was called "P-BAG.
" - "Pranked By A Girl.
" - It was hilarious.
Anyway, last order of beez-ness I'm being cute, not Spanish does tomorrow work for you guys to lay down vocals for that "& Daughter" solo and we'll see who's the best fit? Wait.
You want us to audition? Why would we compete within our own family? We are not the Williams sisters.
We are the McConaugheys.
- He has a brother? - Exactly.
I hear you, but Collab has been doing a really fun thing where they each try out for every song, and it's been really energizing for them.
Their eyes got even shinier.
I don't know, guys.
I mean, if it's working for Collab, shouldn't we give it a try? To please der label? I'm being German, not cute.
Fine.
But you should know I have never lost at singing except once as a minor, so those records are sealed.
- Two terrific performances.
- Now for the judging.
For stand-up comedian Mario Cantone, four stars! And for singer Lesley Wiggens I haven't landed on my forever name.
3 3/4 stars.
Thank you! You're hurting me.
The world hasn't heard the last from Lesley Goldenbody.
No, that's not it.
They chose a comedian over me.
His whole set was about which way to hang the toilet paper.
- Overhand.
- That's relatable.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a pre-audition ritual to attend to that has never failed me.
♪ Oh, shoot.
- Did everyone leave already? - Yeah, hi.
I just can't go home until Stevia's friends leave because, you know, she told them I'm dead.
Oh.
Well, I got good news.
I tore up my place and I found the "P-BAG" pilot.
It is too bad that "Lifetime Raw" never took off, - you know? - I know, right? We were pioneers.
And that was before "Punk'd.
" We should be the ones married to Mila Kunis.
P-P-P-P-P-BAG! This week's "P-BAG" This guy.
Okay, Percy.
You've picked up Elijah Wood.
You need to get him to the "Van Wilder" premiere.
It's always been my dream to drive a limo ever since I saw "Wall Street" and I was like, "What is the driver up to while this is all going on?" Check your mirrors please.
Oh! Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Did I just hit a girl? Wow, y'all.
Wow.
Oh, shit.
Well, there's that stupid shirt.
We're gonna have to destroy this bad boy just to be safe.
- Oh, my God.
- Please don't be dead.
Why is this happening to me? No.
'Cause you just got P-BAG'ed! Pew, pew, pew, pew! Pew! B-B-B-Bagged and tagged.
Gross.
This is way more aggressive - than I remember it being.
- Of course it was.
It was "Lifetime Raw," baby.
I guess we did give him a gift card to Bertucci's.
And a copy of the pilot.
Shoot! Well, I guess we're gonna have to track that guy down and - Apologize.
- Get the tape.
Ooh, whoo, yeah ♪ Thank you.
Thank you, it is so nice to be back performing in an intimate venue like this.
That was "Red Solo Cup" by Sir Tobias Keith.
I wanna sing Adele 'cause I'm getting married tomorrow and I still yank it to my ex.
What, what! Oh! Feeling good, feeling strong.
Ready to destroy this audition.
Hey, you were amazing.
Thank you.
It is always good to meet a fan.
No, it's me, Scott.
You live in my apartment.
What are you doing here? Oh, I'm here with some of the teachers from work.
The conservative lady on the school board had a mini stroke, so now we're allowed to teach dinosaurs again.
- Get up there, Scott.
- Oh, no, do I have to? Come on, the world is 4 1/2 billion years old.
No one is even gonna remember this.
All right.
This is gonna be good.
Turn around ♪ Every now and then I get a little bit lonely ♪ And you're never coming 'round ♪ Turn around ♪ Every now and then I get a little bit tired ♪ Of listening to the sound of my tears ♪ Turn around ♪ Every now and then I get a little bit nervous ♪ That the best of all my years have gone by ♪ Turn around ♪ Every now and then ♪ I fall apart ♪ And I need you now tonight ♪ And I need you more than ever ♪ And if you only hold me tight ♪ We'll be holding on forever ♪ Together we can make it to the end of the line ♪ Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time ♪ I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark ♪ We're living on a powder keg ♪ And giving off sparks ♪ ♪ What is happening? I lost at karaoke? To a Scott? Aww, come on.
Oh, thank you.
- Is this a "P-BAG"? - Thanks.
I will not be auditioning today.
No one will.
What? Why not? Because I'm taking a stand.
We're not letting a man pit us against each other.
I actually consider myself a parade-sized boy, but point taken.
This is our group, not Tate's.
Let's not degrade ourselves here and give up our power to make our own decisions.
Fine by me.
I know my strengths knockers and a kick.
Then it's settled.
Auditions canceled due to girl power and whatnot.
Sally Ride! RBG, Rosie's Riveter, and Perez! Let's go, ladies! ♪ Well, this is the address Percy gave for the "P-BAG" release, so I hope he still lives here.
I wonder if he'll remember us.
Nooo! ♪ Boy, you are slow at following.
If you were the baby duck and I was your adult duck, you'd be eaten by a hawk.
Yeah, totally.
Well, I didn't leave right away.
Tate thinks I should get the solo on "& Daughter.
" Sorry.
Sorry.
You still auditioned? I was just trying not to piss off the label.
Just just trying to respect the process.
But we're Coxsackie.
We have a system.
Well, sorry.
Maybe sometimes I want to be the hand and the mouth.
Is that so bad? If you wanted the solo, why didn't you just come out and say it like a normal person? Why didn't you just offer it like a normal person? Even Paul lets George do his own thing sometimes.
Because Paul George is one basketball man, Dawn.
You're not making sense.
Wickie.
I wrote a song with a huge solo about my own grandmother.
- How many hints do I gotta drop? - Everyone has a grandmother.
Even grandmothers.
It's universal.
This is why I didn't say anything.
Because you're only comfortable being in Girls5eva when it's about you.
Taking press photos you about lost your mind trying to figure out how to stand in the center of four people! No, this isn't quite it.
Sorry.
This is easier with five.
Found it.
♪ Why can't you just let me have this? Can you be happy for me for once? I've been happy for you many times.
When you laid off gluten for a week, I was your champion! I need to go down to the restaurant and count fish heads to make sure my chef isn't robbing me of fish torsos because I am my grandmother's daughter! No, you're not.
Your mom is! Sorry about that little Before, you know.
I'm just so psyched to see you guys.
Oh, that show you did was so funny.
Oh, thanks, Percy.
You were great in it.
- Oh, good.
- Totally in on the joke, yeah.
And the funniest part is that you kept pranking only me.
Hi, stranger.
I'm Camby, a natural brown hair/veterinarian.
Are you okay? Oh, hey.
Yeah.
Kind of a weird day.
This group of women just kept pranking me.
- Do you wanna be my boyfriend? - Really? Jeez, it's been so long since I've had a real connection with anyone.
I guess the universe rewards the patient.
Let's kiss.
Get away from my daughter, you sicko! Oh, what is happening? - Ooh, he killed a girl! - What? No! I didn't do it! B-B-B-Bagged and tagged! So funny.
Just so loved it.
Oh, and free pie.
Hey, Percy, you know, I didn't see a limo out front.
- Are you still into that, or - No, no, no.
Not really craving the open road, you know? Uh, kind of comfy up in here.
I make a decent living sticking my face in fresh bread for strangers online.
I'm RealDoughBoy81 on OnlyFans.
Hey, do you happen to have a copy of that pilot that we gave you? We kind of wanted to buy it off you, you know, just for our archives.
How about 60 bucks? $60? I'd do it for less.
Okay.
Let's see here.
Uh Oh, hey, remember when you trapped me in an elevator so long, I had to pee in a corner? And then you opened the doors and there was my mom? Oh.
You know, I think it might be in the basement.
Hey, Max is taking a rare nap, so if you and Dawn are still fighting, can you do it in harsh whispers that will blend in with a white noise machine? I'm not fighting.
Your wife did sneakiness and beat me unfair and round.
Wow, that's a very good voice level.
Thank you.
Maybe she learned to sneak from you.
What is your deal? You have a voice like Lenny Kravitz' penis, and you hide it under a bushel? That is a sin.
And even Lenny's penis busted out eventually.
Your light should shine before others but in a wildly different genre than mine so I don't see you as competition.
Don't worry.
I just sing for fun.
Then how do you know who wins? When did singing become all about winning for you? October 16th, 1995.
The Million Man March? I need to go clean up my snail trail.
Thank you.
♪ Daddy? Son of a dick.
Well, mission accomplished.
What? How many times do I have to tell you? We are not going to Samantha you.
It's not that.
Percy is clearly not thriving.
What if our pranks, like, traumatized him? Back then, all he wanted was a job and a girlfriend I feel like we should do something, Gloria.
Come on, this is just about the dumb T-shirts.
Okay, part of me is just, like - "Were we bad people?" - Are you kidding me? We were the ones that got crapped on back then.
We had to go to radio interviews wearing bikinis.
No, we were the good guys.
We gave back.
We did that Bob Geldof charity song.
No presents ♪ No fun ♪ Just dirty huts in the blazing sun ♪ Do they know it's a Funky Christmas ♪ In poor places? ♪ I know we made sad faces the entire time, but even I know that song was - very patronizing, and also - Okay, hey.
You're bouncing around here.
Enough of the apology tour.
Do you think Ashton Kutcher apologized for telling that guy from "Alias" that his plane was crashing? Percy signed the release and he had a great time doing it.
He-he-hey! Found her under a stack of my dad's old Playbo oats.
Boats.
Pl play boats.
My dad loved boats.
Okay.
Well, it's a pleasure doing business with you, sir.
- Right back at you.
- Later days, funny ladies.
Pew, pew, pe Why am I scared? They're not guns! My hands.
It's just Not everybody's grandma is universal ♪ Get your own ♪ We got the last "P-BAG.
" - Oh, cool.
- Wickie's not back yet? Still mad I guess, huh? Yeah, I don't get it.
She's acting like I somehow snuck around behind her back to steal a solo that I wrote for myself about my grandmother.
- Huh.
- Hm.
- What is that look? - That's the same look you gave to each other when I defended Mario Batali.
You didn't steal it.
But you did kind of do a "Backdoor Dawn.
" Is that an expression? Summer overheard you talking to Tate.
Hey, Tate.
So I noticed that Collab is always switching up who's singing lead.
I mean, how do they decide that stuff? I just love hearing about other groups' processes.
Well, it's pretty easy, 'cause they don't super care about music.
They only care about making TikTok fashion montages that are, like, oosh, tight suit.
Oosh, hat.
Oosh, Miami.
Oosh, basketball.
So they just each try singing lead on every song, and we see who's the best fit.
That's just such a smart, cool process.
Well, if you guys wanted to try it, we could set it up.
Well, whatever you think is best.
We were making small talk.
- He offered.
- No offense, Dawn.
But sometimes you just don't say what you're after, like when you auditioned for Girls5eva.
So much talent in one motel.
Break a leg, Shay.
When you get this, you're Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ Who did that? Get 'em in here.
I can fix their looks! It's out of my hands.
Oh, my G I did backdoor.
"Oops, that was someone else's idea!" God, why don't I just come out and say what I want? It has never been hard for me electric Bronco, lap pool, Chris Pratt's third wife.
Maybe I backdoor because if I don't say I want something, then I can't be disappointed if I don't get it.
Also, you hate confrontation.
Helping.
Look, Dawn, you're such a good person.
But sometimes you can be a little bit of a turd.
So why don't you just own up and apologize? Yes.
Exactly.
What are you trying to be? Pointed? Just stay in this.
You're right, I'll buy a Cameo from Kevin from "The Office" to talk to Wickie.
No.
I'll talk to Wickie.
Hello, Mario Cantone.
Oh, hey.
Always nice to meet a fan.
You want a selfie? Before I agree, do you now or have you ever had ties to Nazi websites? I've been burned.
Sir, I am not here for a selfie.
I'm here for a rematch.
I followed you from your one-man show next door.
I think you and I both know that I should have been the 1995 "Star Search" champion.
That's where I know you from.
Leslie Goldenbody.
No, that was never it it's Wickie Roy now.
Look, you left that day with the championship and the new Vivitar VCR, but I left with a lifetime of feeling like a runner-up, and I am done feeling that way.
So First up, Paul Poundstone here.
Wait.
You want me to do stand-up here? - Now? - I do.
Okay.
It's been a minute.
I'm more of an actor these days.
"Sex and the City.
" "The Good Fight.
" No? Okay, um, let me see, um Oh, okay.
This one got me into the semis.
Guys, guys, guys.
Hold on.
How weird is it that we drink milk? Ah, who was it that saw a baby cow drinking from an udder and said, "I'll have what she's having.
" And I'm not a boob guy, so it's a double whammy for me.
But I do love a hot cocoa.
Okay, okay, okay.
Next up, the artist future-ly known as Wickie Roy.
There is a house ♪ In New Orleans ♪ And it's called ♪ The rising sun ♪ And it's been the ruin ♪ Of many a poor girl ♪ And Lord I know ♪ I'm one ♪ Whoo! Oh, God.
Okay, okay, okay.
God.
Who's it gonna be, boy? - You want me to pick? - Yes! Please, God.
Please, God.
I don't know.
I guess him 'cause he's buying something.
- I could buy something! - A Q battery, a Master Lock.
And I'll take all your lukewarm, unpeeled, hard-boiled eggs.
Hey.
You can't let "Star Search" get to you.
That show didn't even make sense.
How do you compare singers and stand-up? It's apples and oranges.
We sell those by the huge dusty space heaters.
And I only won in '95 because a musician won the year before.
Remember, the five-year-old country singer? You know, three years later, she was eight, and there was nothing novel about her anymore.
So the competition wasn't fair? No, it was just a comedian's turn to win.
It's better for ratings if they mix it up.
"Star Search" was only doing what's best for the show.
She bought all the eggs? Well Guess these are headed to Dawn's brother's crematorium.
Aww, fun.
Wow, D'Blaze.
There are so many great nominees for "Best Hip-Hop, Rap, or Reggae Video.
" Well, Gloria, just being up here with you, I feel like I already won a trophy.
Aww So funny.
'Cause trophies are shaped like girls.
I love it.
♪ Guidance counselor? Guidance "counse" me.
I, um sleep.
What happened? I came in second on "Star Search" for the good of the show.
And I know I need to do that for the good of Girls5eva, but every fiber of my being is pushing back.
How do you do it, Scott? How do you have that voice and not rage every day that you're the opposite of a star? You're just invisible.
You're nobody.
I I think I'm pretty significant in this world to my son, my wife, my thriving fern.
I thought a rematch with Mario Cantone would fix me, but I still feel this insatiable need to win.
For the record, my fern is bigger.
How do I stop doing that? I'm not sure you can.
You and I may be wired differently, Wickie.
You're more of a Michael Jordan.
Driven by competition and cigars? Yeah, sure.
Have you ever considered that losing might have its advantages? How many years of motivation did losing on "Star Search" get you? 20, blah, blah.
All the greats lose, and it fuels them.
Didn't Usher also lose on "Star Search"? No.
He's Usher.
Oh, he's on a list of the top 500 stars who lost on "Star Search.
" Usher, Justin Timberlake, Alanis Morissette, Britney Spears.
Wickie Roy from Girls5eva, and "Mr.
Dress.
" Oh, my God.
I'm on a list with Drew Carey and Beyoncé.
Why did I pick that order? Wickie.
Can I talk to you? Okay, look, I backdoored you, and I'm sorry.
I'm going to be more direct about what I want from now on.
It's really hard for me, but I'm gonna channel my inner Wickie Roy.
Appropriation, but great.
- Apology accepted.
- Oh.
I'm sorry too.
You should take the lead in the song about your grandmother.
If I'm going to lose to anyone, I want it to be you.
Oh, gosh.
And this adversity will make an excellent act break in my biopic.
Whatever works for you, Wick.
Honey, I'm so glad that you came around.
I know that I felt better after I apologized for calling Hilary Duff a "tube steak" on Stern.
Well, the early aughts were a real low point for empathy.
- Honey, scooch up.
- I think you're too far back.
Yeah, this this is about good.
This is good.
This is good.
Hey, look who's back.
It's Oh, it was just a cloud.
We came by because we wanna tell you how darn sorry we are for all the stuff that we did to you.
We crossed a line.
We were real shits back then.
- Especially me.
- Especially her.
Okay.
I didn't like it.
And one time after, I thought a mugging was a pranking and they kicked me and threw me in a dumpster.
- Oh, boy.
- Oh.
I'm so sorry.
Can we maybe start over? Maybe with a real dinner at Bertucci's? - Sounds nice.
I'd like that.
- Me too, Percy.
Me freakin' too.
Come here.
Holy mother of hell.
My cube! - Oh.
- P-BAM! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Suck it, Girls5eva! You just got pranked by a man.
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Revenge prank! Ow! I helped! You know, to make it up to him.
Well, I don't know if exploding my car classifies as a prank, but I deserved that.
Oh, that felt amazing.
Oh, I'm ready to take on the world again! Pew, pew, pew, pew.
- Okay, that is pretty funny.
- Ah! Remember, Michael Jordan, this is just for fun.
- There is no winner.
- Well, that's confusing, because it's only fun when there is one.
Wrong.
- You can do this, Wickie.
- Okay.
B.
P.
E.
, y'all.
Here we go.
Stepping out ♪ - Done playing it small ♪ - Hoo.
Taking over, yeah, wall to wall ♪ Going up like a cannonball ♪ It's B.
P.
E.
, y'all ♪ B.
P.
E.
♪ Got that big pussy energy ♪ - Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ - Uh - Wickie, there's no - B.
P.
E.
♪ - No audience, no judges.
- God, it's Damn it.
B.
P.
E.
♪ Got that big pussy energy ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ Kick down the doors, no locks ♪ I don't need a key, eyes down here ♪ Yeah, I'm the centerpiece, animal queendom ♪ Feline synergy, kicking down the doors ♪ - Big pussy energy ♪ - Wickie.
- Hey! - Wickie, it's just us.
You know, it's actually freeing because who cares what you two think? Come on! Nothing to prove, don't care if you like me ♪ Swagger that says "You just met somebody" ♪ Confidence boosted by vitamin P ♪ - Kicking down the doors ♪ - Big pussy energy ♪ Square feet, I'm going for miles ♪ Upgrade, breaking up the aisles ♪ Open up those classified files ♪ With the Department of Treasury ♪ Big pussy energy ♪ Dawn! You said you wanted a solo.
Well, get your big pussy up and take it! Okay! B.
P.
E.
♪ Got that big pussy energy ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ B.
P.
E.
♪ Got that big pussy energy ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ Got that big pussy energy ♪ - Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ - Kick down the doors ♪ No locks, I don't need a key, eyes down here ♪ Yeah, I'm the centerpiece, animal queendom ♪ Feline synergy, kicking down the doors ♪ Big pussy energy ♪ Whoo! I'm really crying about myself ♪ ALL Only sad that lady's dying ♪ 'Cause I'm thinking about myself ♪ When a friend tells me their cousin ♪ Got a bad disease ♪ My first question is, what were their symptoms? ♪ 'Cause now I'm worried about me ♪ Balling on a plane watching a sports biopic ♪ I'm thinking about myself ♪ Staring in the eyes of a zoo tiger ♪ I'm thinking about myself ♪ Crying harder than anyone at a funeral ♪ For a great uncle I barely knew ♪ It's because I'm thinking about me ♪ Will I die on a toilet too? ♪ See, I've got a lot of feelings ♪ But the access point is me ♪ I'm probably sad for you ♪ 'Cause I'm ♪ Mostly thinking about me ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ - Good night, everybody.
- Good night.
P.
E.
" take one.
B.
P.
E.
♪ Got that big pussy energy ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ Big pussy energy! ♪ So I was thinking for the vocal, - just really raw emotion.
- Okay.
Like, don't overthink it.
When I cry at a movie ♪ I'm really crying about myself ♪ Only sad that lady's dying ♪ 'Cause I'm thinking about myself ♪ Yes, Wickieta.
♪ This one's gonna be catnip for the Property Brothers.
Whoa, oh, oh ♪ Kitchen reveal ♪ The couple liked it ♪ - B.
P.
E.
♪ - Kick down the doors ♪ No locks, I don't need a key, eyes down here ♪ Yeah, I'm the centerpiece, animal queendom ♪ Feline synergy, kickin' down the doors ♪ Big pussy energy ♪ This album is fire, Dawn.
We are a dream team.
Call us Coxsackie.
Your hand to my mouth.
- Oh, thanks, Wick.
- I actually have one more.
It's got nostalgia vibes, kind of like Gaga's "Joanne.
" - Oh, I loved that.
- And I was actually thinking - that I might - Ooh, yes! A juicy solo thank you, Dawn.
Yeah, sure.
Of course.
All yours.
You'll be amazing.
& Daughter ♪ I applaud her ♪ - What's it about? - Oh, it's, uh actually about my grandmother.
Rosemary.
- Aww.
- Yeah, she was the first "& Daughter" on a sign in City Island.
Oh, there she is.
Look at that.
- They sold fish scraps.
- She was an eye digger.
Well, music's all a metaphor ooh, I'ma have to learn some Italian? Come over here.
What is this? Voglio farlo io! Vaffanculo! Voglio farlo io! ♪ Vaffanculo! ♪ Yup, that's it.
Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪ It's too short ♪ Gonna be famous 3gether ♪ 'Cause that's 1 more than 2gether ♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪ So what are you waiting 5? ♪ Girls5eva ♪ Ladies, I can't believe you're so close to being done.
So we need to start thinking about launch.
Already on it bandage dress, bold lip, - purse shaped like a watermelon.
- Great.
But we also need to clean up any "soche-meed" snail trails.
You saw how fast Stinker went down.
Delete any weird tweets, Facebookeries.
We don't want anyone to find old pics of y'all dressed as Pocahontas for Halloween.
Wait, even if we were honoring how hot she was? I got zero skeletons, except the one in me.
Wait.
Didn't we wear "Bill Clinton is innocent" shirts somewhere? The villain from the Ryan Murphy mini-scaries? Boy, the world was slow to get that one right.
Well, we were all under Jay Leno's spell.
Did we wear those in "P-BAG"? What in Zendaya's scorched earth is "P-BAG"? After you ditched us to go solo and Ashley joined her eighth girl group, Lip City, uh, we did a pilot for a hidden camera show.
Yeah, it was called "P-BAG.
" - "Pranked By A Girl.
" - It was hilarious.
Anyway, last order of beez-ness I'm being cute, not Spanish does tomorrow work for you guys to lay down vocals for that "& Daughter" solo and we'll see who's the best fit? Wait.
You want us to audition? Why would we compete within our own family? We are not the Williams sisters.
We are the McConaugheys.
- He has a brother? - Exactly.
I hear you, but Collab has been doing a really fun thing where they each try out for every song, and it's been really energizing for them.
Their eyes got even shinier.
I don't know, guys.
I mean, if it's working for Collab, shouldn't we give it a try? To please der label? I'm being German, not cute.
Fine.
But you should know I have never lost at singing except once as a minor, so those records are sealed.
- Two terrific performances.
- Now for the judging.
For stand-up comedian Mario Cantone, four stars! And for singer Lesley Wiggens I haven't landed on my forever name.
3 3/4 stars.
Thank you! You're hurting me.
The world hasn't heard the last from Lesley Goldenbody.
No, that's not it.
They chose a comedian over me.
His whole set was about which way to hang the toilet paper.
- Overhand.
- That's relatable.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a pre-audition ritual to attend to that has never failed me.
♪ Oh, shoot.
- Did everyone leave already? - Yeah, hi.
I just can't go home until Stevia's friends leave because, you know, she told them I'm dead.
Oh.
Well, I got good news.
I tore up my place and I found the "P-BAG" pilot.
It is too bad that "Lifetime Raw" never took off, - you know? - I know, right? We were pioneers.
And that was before "Punk'd.
" We should be the ones married to Mila Kunis.
P-P-P-P-P-BAG! This week's "P-BAG" This guy.
Okay, Percy.
You've picked up Elijah Wood.
You need to get him to the "Van Wilder" premiere.
It's always been my dream to drive a limo ever since I saw "Wall Street" and I was like, "What is the driver up to while this is all going on?" Check your mirrors please.
Oh! Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Did I just hit a girl? Wow, y'all.
Wow.
Oh, shit.
Well, there's that stupid shirt.
We're gonna have to destroy this bad boy just to be safe.
- Oh, my God.
- Please don't be dead.
Why is this happening to me? No.
'Cause you just got P-BAG'ed! Pew, pew, pew, pew! Pew! B-B-B-Bagged and tagged.
Gross.
This is way more aggressive - than I remember it being.
- Of course it was.
It was "Lifetime Raw," baby.
I guess we did give him a gift card to Bertucci's.
And a copy of the pilot.
Shoot! Well, I guess we're gonna have to track that guy down and - Apologize.
- Get the tape.
Ooh, whoo, yeah ♪ Thank you.
Thank you, it is so nice to be back performing in an intimate venue like this.
That was "Red Solo Cup" by Sir Tobias Keith.
I wanna sing Adele 'cause I'm getting married tomorrow and I still yank it to my ex.
What, what! Oh! Feeling good, feeling strong.
Ready to destroy this audition.
Hey, you were amazing.
Thank you.
It is always good to meet a fan.
No, it's me, Scott.
You live in my apartment.
What are you doing here? Oh, I'm here with some of the teachers from work.
The conservative lady on the school board had a mini stroke, so now we're allowed to teach dinosaurs again.
- Get up there, Scott.
- Oh, no, do I have to? Come on, the world is 4 1/2 billion years old.
No one is even gonna remember this.
All right.
This is gonna be good.
Turn around ♪ Every now and then I get a little bit lonely ♪ And you're never coming 'round ♪ Turn around ♪ Every now and then I get a little bit tired ♪ Of listening to the sound of my tears ♪ Turn around ♪ Every now and then I get a little bit nervous ♪ That the best of all my years have gone by ♪ Turn around ♪ Every now and then ♪ I fall apart ♪ And I need you now tonight ♪ And I need you more than ever ♪ And if you only hold me tight ♪ We'll be holding on forever ♪ Together we can make it to the end of the line ♪ Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time ♪ I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark ♪ We're living on a powder keg ♪ And giving off sparks ♪ ♪ What is happening? I lost at karaoke? To a Scott? Aww, come on.
Oh, thank you.
- Is this a "P-BAG"? - Thanks.
I will not be auditioning today.
No one will.
What? Why not? Because I'm taking a stand.
We're not letting a man pit us against each other.
I actually consider myself a parade-sized boy, but point taken.
This is our group, not Tate's.
Let's not degrade ourselves here and give up our power to make our own decisions.
Fine by me.
I know my strengths knockers and a kick.
Then it's settled.
Auditions canceled due to girl power and whatnot.
Sally Ride! RBG, Rosie's Riveter, and Perez! Let's go, ladies! ♪ Well, this is the address Percy gave for the "P-BAG" release, so I hope he still lives here.
I wonder if he'll remember us.
Nooo! ♪ Boy, you are slow at following.
If you were the baby duck and I was your adult duck, you'd be eaten by a hawk.
Yeah, totally.
Well, I didn't leave right away.
Tate thinks I should get the solo on "& Daughter.
" Sorry.
Sorry.
You still auditioned? I was just trying not to piss off the label.
Just just trying to respect the process.
But we're Coxsackie.
We have a system.
Well, sorry.
Maybe sometimes I want to be the hand and the mouth.
Is that so bad? If you wanted the solo, why didn't you just come out and say it like a normal person? Why didn't you just offer it like a normal person? Even Paul lets George do his own thing sometimes.
Because Paul George is one basketball man, Dawn.
You're not making sense.
Wickie.
I wrote a song with a huge solo about my own grandmother.
- How many hints do I gotta drop? - Everyone has a grandmother.
Even grandmothers.
It's universal.
This is why I didn't say anything.
Because you're only comfortable being in Girls5eva when it's about you.
Taking press photos you about lost your mind trying to figure out how to stand in the center of four people! No, this isn't quite it.
Sorry.
This is easier with five.
Found it.
♪ Why can't you just let me have this? Can you be happy for me for once? I've been happy for you many times.
When you laid off gluten for a week, I was your champion! I need to go down to the restaurant and count fish heads to make sure my chef isn't robbing me of fish torsos because I am my grandmother's daughter! No, you're not.
Your mom is! Sorry about that little Before, you know.
I'm just so psyched to see you guys.
Oh, that show you did was so funny.
Oh, thanks, Percy.
You were great in it.
- Oh, good.
- Totally in on the joke, yeah.
And the funniest part is that you kept pranking only me.
Hi, stranger.
I'm Camby, a natural brown hair/veterinarian.
Are you okay? Oh, hey.
Yeah.
Kind of a weird day.
This group of women just kept pranking me.
- Do you wanna be my boyfriend? - Really? Jeez, it's been so long since I've had a real connection with anyone.
I guess the universe rewards the patient.
Let's kiss.
Get away from my daughter, you sicko! Oh, what is happening? - Ooh, he killed a girl! - What? No! I didn't do it! B-B-B-Bagged and tagged! So funny.
Just so loved it.
Oh, and free pie.
Hey, Percy, you know, I didn't see a limo out front.
- Are you still into that, or - No, no, no.
Not really craving the open road, you know? Uh, kind of comfy up in here.
I make a decent living sticking my face in fresh bread for strangers online.
I'm RealDoughBoy81 on OnlyFans.
Hey, do you happen to have a copy of that pilot that we gave you? We kind of wanted to buy it off you, you know, just for our archives.
How about 60 bucks? $60? I'd do it for less.
Okay.
Let's see here.
Uh Oh, hey, remember when you trapped me in an elevator so long, I had to pee in a corner? And then you opened the doors and there was my mom? Oh.
You know, I think it might be in the basement.
Hey, Max is taking a rare nap, so if you and Dawn are still fighting, can you do it in harsh whispers that will blend in with a white noise machine? I'm not fighting.
Your wife did sneakiness and beat me unfair and round.
Wow, that's a very good voice level.
Thank you.
Maybe she learned to sneak from you.
What is your deal? You have a voice like Lenny Kravitz' penis, and you hide it under a bushel? That is a sin.
And even Lenny's penis busted out eventually.
Your light should shine before others but in a wildly different genre than mine so I don't see you as competition.
Don't worry.
I just sing for fun.
Then how do you know who wins? When did singing become all about winning for you? October 16th, 1995.
The Million Man March? I need to go clean up my snail trail.
Thank you.
♪ Daddy? Son of a dick.
Well, mission accomplished.
What? How many times do I have to tell you? We are not going to Samantha you.
It's not that.
Percy is clearly not thriving.
What if our pranks, like, traumatized him? Back then, all he wanted was a job and a girlfriend I feel like we should do something, Gloria.
Come on, this is just about the dumb T-shirts.
Okay, part of me is just, like - "Were we bad people?" - Are you kidding me? We were the ones that got crapped on back then.
We had to go to radio interviews wearing bikinis.
No, we were the good guys.
We gave back.
We did that Bob Geldof charity song.
No presents ♪ No fun ♪ Just dirty huts in the blazing sun ♪ Do they know it's a Funky Christmas ♪ In poor places? ♪ I know we made sad faces the entire time, but even I know that song was - very patronizing, and also - Okay, hey.
You're bouncing around here.
Enough of the apology tour.
Do you think Ashton Kutcher apologized for telling that guy from "Alias" that his plane was crashing? Percy signed the release and he had a great time doing it.
He-he-hey! Found her under a stack of my dad's old Playbo oats.
Boats.
Pl play boats.
My dad loved boats.
Okay.
Well, it's a pleasure doing business with you, sir.
- Right back at you.
- Later days, funny ladies.
Pew, pew, pe Why am I scared? They're not guns! My hands.
It's just Not everybody's grandma is universal ♪ Get your own ♪ We got the last "P-BAG.
" - Oh, cool.
- Wickie's not back yet? Still mad I guess, huh? Yeah, I don't get it.
She's acting like I somehow snuck around behind her back to steal a solo that I wrote for myself about my grandmother.
- Huh.
- Hm.
- What is that look? - That's the same look you gave to each other when I defended Mario Batali.
You didn't steal it.
But you did kind of do a "Backdoor Dawn.
" Is that an expression? Summer overheard you talking to Tate.
Hey, Tate.
So I noticed that Collab is always switching up who's singing lead.
I mean, how do they decide that stuff? I just love hearing about other groups' processes.
Well, it's pretty easy, 'cause they don't super care about music.
They only care about making TikTok fashion montages that are, like, oosh, tight suit.
Oosh, hat.
Oosh, Miami.
Oosh, basketball.
So they just each try singing lead on every song, and we see who's the best fit.
That's just such a smart, cool process.
Well, if you guys wanted to try it, we could set it up.
Well, whatever you think is best.
We were making small talk.
- He offered.
- No offense, Dawn.
But sometimes you just don't say what you're after, like when you auditioned for Girls5eva.
So much talent in one motel.
Break a leg, Shay.
When you get this, you're Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ Who did that? Get 'em in here.
I can fix their looks! It's out of my hands.
Oh, my G I did backdoor.
"Oops, that was someone else's idea!" God, why don't I just come out and say what I want? It has never been hard for me electric Bronco, lap pool, Chris Pratt's third wife.
Maybe I backdoor because if I don't say I want something, then I can't be disappointed if I don't get it.
Also, you hate confrontation.
Helping.
Look, Dawn, you're such a good person.
But sometimes you can be a little bit of a turd.
So why don't you just own up and apologize? Yes.
Exactly.
What are you trying to be? Pointed? Just stay in this.
You're right, I'll buy a Cameo from Kevin from "The Office" to talk to Wickie.
No.
I'll talk to Wickie.
Hello, Mario Cantone.
Oh, hey.
Always nice to meet a fan.
You want a selfie? Before I agree, do you now or have you ever had ties to Nazi websites? I've been burned.
Sir, I am not here for a selfie.
I'm here for a rematch.
I followed you from your one-man show next door.
I think you and I both know that I should have been the 1995 "Star Search" champion.
That's where I know you from.
Leslie Goldenbody.
No, that was never it it's Wickie Roy now.
Look, you left that day with the championship and the new Vivitar VCR, but I left with a lifetime of feeling like a runner-up, and I am done feeling that way.
So First up, Paul Poundstone here.
Wait.
You want me to do stand-up here? - Now? - I do.
Okay.
It's been a minute.
I'm more of an actor these days.
"Sex and the City.
" "The Good Fight.
" No? Okay, um, let me see, um Oh, okay.
This one got me into the semis.
Guys, guys, guys.
Hold on.
How weird is it that we drink milk? Ah, who was it that saw a baby cow drinking from an udder and said, "I'll have what she's having.
" And I'm not a boob guy, so it's a double whammy for me.
But I do love a hot cocoa.
Okay, okay, okay.
Next up, the artist future-ly known as Wickie Roy.
There is a house ♪ In New Orleans ♪ And it's called ♪ The rising sun ♪ And it's been the ruin ♪ Of many a poor girl ♪ And Lord I know ♪ I'm one ♪ Whoo! Oh, God.
Okay, okay, okay.
God.
Who's it gonna be, boy? - You want me to pick? - Yes! Please, God.
Please, God.
I don't know.
I guess him 'cause he's buying something.
- I could buy something! - A Q battery, a Master Lock.
And I'll take all your lukewarm, unpeeled, hard-boiled eggs.
Hey.
You can't let "Star Search" get to you.
That show didn't even make sense.
How do you compare singers and stand-up? It's apples and oranges.
We sell those by the huge dusty space heaters.
And I only won in '95 because a musician won the year before.
Remember, the five-year-old country singer? You know, three years later, she was eight, and there was nothing novel about her anymore.
So the competition wasn't fair? No, it was just a comedian's turn to win.
It's better for ratings if they mix it up.
"Star Search" was only doing what's best for the show.
She bought all the eggs? Well Guess these are headed to Dawn's brother's crematorium.
Aww, fun.
Wow, D'Blaze.
There are so many great nominees for "Best Hip-Hop, Rap, or Reggae Video.
" Well, Gloria, just being up here with you, I feel like I already won a trophy.
Aww So funny.
'Cause trophies are shaped like girls.
I love it.
♪ Guidance counselor? Guidance "counse" me.
I, um sleep.
What happened? I came in second on "Star Search" for the good of the show.
And I know I need to do that for the good of Girls5eva, but every fiber of my being is pushing back.
How do you do it, Scott? How do you have that voice and not rage every day that you're the opposite of a star? You're just invisible.
You're nobody.
I I think I'm pretty significant in this world to my son, my wife, my thriving fern.
I thought a rematch with Mario Cantone would fix me, but I still feel this insatiable need to win.
For the record, my fern is bigger.
How do I stop doing that? I'm not sure you can.
You and I may be wired differently, Wickie.
You're more of a Michael Jordan.
Driven by competition and cigars? Yeah, sure.
Have you ever considered that losing might have its advantages? How many years of motivation did losing on "Star Search" get you? 20, blah, blah.
All the greats lose, and it fuels them.
Didn't Usher also lose on "Star Search"? No.
He's Usher.
Oh, he's on a list of the top 500 stars who lost on "Star Search.
" Usher, Justin Timberlake, Alanis Morissette, Britney Spears.
Wickie Roy from Girls5eva, and "Mr.
Dress.
" Oh, my God.
I'm on a list with Drew Carey and Beyoncé.
Why did I pick that order? Wickie.
Can I talk to you? Okay, look, I backdoored you, and I'm sorry.
I'm going to be more direct about what I want from now on.
It's really hard for me, but I'm gonna channel my inner Wickie Roy.
Appropriation, but great.
- Apology accepted.
- Oh.
I'm sorry too.
You should take the lead in the song about your grandmother.
If I'm going to lose to anyone, I want it to be you.
Oh, gosh.
And this adversity will make an excellent act break in my biopic.
Whatever works for you, Wick.
Honey, I'm so glad that you came around.
I know that I felt better after I apologized for calling Hilary Duff a "tube steak" on Stern.
Well, the early aughts were a real low point for empathy.
- Honey, scooch up.
- I think you're too far back.
Yeah, this this is about good.
This is good.
This is good.
Hey, look who's back.
It's Oh, it was just a cloud.
We came by because we wanna tell you how darn sorry we are for all the stuff that we did to you.
We crossed a line.
We were real shits back then.
- Especially me.
- Especially her.
Okay.
I didn't like it.
And one time after, I thought a mugging was a pranking and they kicked me and threw me in a dumpster.
- Oh, boy.
- Oh.
I'm so sorry.
Can we maybe start over? Maybe with a real dinner at Bertucci's? - Sounds nice.
I'd like that.
- Me too, Percy.
Me freakin' too.
Come here.
Holy mother of hell.
My cube! - Oh.
- P-BAM! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Suck it, Girls5eva! You just got pranked by a man.
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Revenge prank! Ow! I helped! You know, to make it up to him.
Well, I don't know if exploding my car classifies as a prank, but I deserved that.
Oh, that felt amazing.
Oh, I'm ready to take on the world again! Pew, pew, pew, pew.
- Okay, that is pretty funny.
- Ah! Remember, Michael Jordan, this is just for fun.
- There is no winner.
- Well, that's confusing, because it's only fun when there is one.
Wrong.
- You can do this, Wickie.
- Okay.
B.
P.
E.
, y'all.
Here we go.
Stepping out ♪ - Done playing it small ♪ - Hoo.
Taking over, yeah, wall to wall ♪ Going up like a cannonball ♪ It's B.
P.
E.
, y'all ♪ B.
P.
E.
♪ Got that big pussy energy ♪ - Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ - Uh - Wickie, there's no - B.
P.
E.
♪ - No audience, no judges.
- God, it's Damn it.
B.
P.
E.
♪ Got that big pussy energy ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ Kick down the doors, no locks ♪ I don't need a key, eyes down here ♪ Yeah, I'm the centerpiece, animal queendom ♪ Feline synergy, kicking down the doors ♪ - Big pussy energy ♪ - Wickie.
- Hey! - Wickie, it's just us.
You know, it's actually freeing because who cares what you two think? Come on! Nothing to prove, don't care if you like me ♪ Swagger that says "You just met somebody" ♪ Confidence boosted by vitamin P ♪ - Kicking down the doors ♪ - Big pussy energy ♪ Square feet, I'm going for miles ♪ Upgrade, breaking up the aisles ♪ Open up those classified files ♪ With the Department of Treasury ♪ Big pussy energy ♪ Dawn! You said you wanted a solo.
Well, get your big pussy up and take it! Okay! B.
P.
E.
♪ Got that big pussy energy ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ B.
P.
E.
♪ Got that big pussy energy ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ Got that big pussy energy ♪ - Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ - Kick down the doors ♪ No locks, I don't need a key, eyes down here ♪ Yeah, I'm the centerpiece, animal queendom ♪ Feline synergy, kicking down the doors ♪ Big pussy energy ♪ Whoo! I'm really crying about myself ♪ ALL Only sad that lady's dying ♪ 'Cause I'm thinking about myself ♪ When a friend tells me their cousin ♪ Got a bad disease ♪ My first question is, what were their symptoms? ♪ 'Cause now I'm worried about me ♪ Balling on a plane watching a sports biopic ♪ I'm thinking about myself ♪ Staring in the eyes of a zoo tiger ♪ I'm thinking about myself ♪ Crying harder than anyone at a funeral ♪ For a great uncle I barely knew ♪ It's because I'm thinking about me ♪ Will I die on a toilet too? ♪ See, I've got a lot of feelings ♪ But the access point is me ♪ I'm probably sad for you ♪ 'Cause I'm ♪ Mostly thinking about me ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ - Good night, everybody.
- Good night.