Golan the Insatiable (2013) s02e06 Episode Script

1 Big buddy Keith! Hey, little buddy Dylan! You ready to hit the foam finger-lollipop-balloon store? I sure am, big buddy Keith! Good.
Because today is gonna be so fun it's gonna make our trip to the puppy-taffy-go-kart store - seem like a funeral.
- You know, I never thought I would have another male role model in my life.
- Especially after what happened to my father - Shh! We don't have to talk about that until you're ready.
What's important is we are buddies - and buddies never abandon - Hey! 'Sup? My name's Keith.
I think I'm going to your high school next year.
Oh, wow.
- We should carpool together.
- Really? Or no? You look like you're gonna be so popular.
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
But, big buddy Keith you're my buddy! My buddy! Wherever you go, I go! My buddy and me! 2x06 - "Golan the Impregnable" Looking good, Minnesota mall walkers! I told you walking counter-clockwise would be a hoot! What the heck? Hurry! Mall walk faster! M'lord! Our destiny lies across from the lady's foot locker.
Make haste! This is chopper one, we are confirming reports of a giant dork flying a helicopter with a remote control.
Welcome to Falafel King.
My I tazaki your order? - Silence, fried chick-pea peasant! - Where is your Falafel King? I must dethrone him and become king of the mall then the world! But the Falafel King doesn't really exist.
We just stole the sign from the Hamburger King - and darkened the skin.
- Liar! He's just protecting his monarch, m'lord.
I'm telling you, man, there's no - Uh-oh! - Oh, great.
He died somehow.
Dammit, Dylan! I'll never be king in your dimension! Never, never, never! My lord, you cannot give up.
There must be a way to make you king of this [bleep.]
dimension.
But I've already tried to dethrone the Bagel King, the Vacuum King, even the Mattress King.
But they're all too chicken to face me! Well, to be fair, with all the money we saved at the Mattress King, we felt like royalty.
Right? God, I hate you, Dylan.
Hey, monster bro.
Uh, hi, Dylan.
'Cause you two dildweebs trashed the mall, we have to go to a different mall to buy our outfits for the precoming dance.
- Don't you mean homecoming dance? - Well, Dylan if you must, the precoming dance is the dance that happens before the homecoming dance: Pre.
Wouldn't that be the pre-homecoming dance? Only dorks say the whole thing! Us cool kids, we abbreviate everyth.
Keith's supposed to be precoming king, you know? Nobody cares.
Dylan, you're ruining my life.
Wha?! I want to be Precoming King! Brilliant m'lord, we just got to get you into high school! Easy! Alexis goes to high school.
I can carpool.
- Carpool.
- No! No, uh, you can't carpool with my sister! You can't go to high school! It's a terrible plan! Golan's going to high school? That's a great plan.
I always wished I finished high school but I had to drop out when I got pregnant with Alexis.
I don't even know which teacher's the father! It's settled then.
Carole can't keep her legs closed and I'm going to high school with Alexis! I I do wish I knew what her genetic background was.
Hurry, Golan! I don't want to be late.
Coming, Alexis! - You are not leaving with my sister! - She's just my carpool! I'm trying to become king of your stupid world why are you being so weird? Because my sister's trying to steal you from me.
She did it with Keith, and she's going to do it with you.
I know it.
That's impossible.
How can she steal me away from you when I don't even like you? You've got 10 seconds or I'm leaving without you! Get out of my way! Seven - Hey! - That is what my sister does! Step one, she's all We should carpool together.
Step two, she butters you up with You look like you're going to be so popular.
And then step three, she closes the deal by taking your hand into her slutty little paw and I'll be left all alone.
This is why I need a dude for an acolyte.
- Alexis: Two - Yah! One! Don't go! Listen, Golan, in there, you don't know me.
Got it? Cool, cool.
Thanks for the lift.
Yeah, Golan.
You're doing great my man.
I feel like the popular kids use their arms more when they walk.
Maybe a little something like this, huh? Yeah, there you go.
I'll be king in no time.
Ow! No kicking! Whoa! Hey, whoa! No wedgies! Oh, hey! Come on, no shiving! Man, high school's rough.
Too bad I'm not gay.
Everybody says it gets better for them.
I know you hate Golan, babe, but I heard he's got an in with the shiving club.
I'm gonna get so wasted at the rock quarry tonight.
I'm gonna forget all about that stupid, ugly monster.
A rock quarry party? I am so there, whatever your name is.
I know your name is Alexis, but per our conversation, I'm pretending not to know who you are.
Also, I've lost a lot of blood.
Uh Alexis, Keith.
I know dissecting frogs is icky, but you just gotta get in there.
If you give me a rose, I promise to give you - this silver dollar! - Oh! Ugh, there is nothing lamer than magic.
It's like, the only part of David Copperfield I don't like.
I'm glad I skipped school to watch this show.
Good job, Dylan.
Hey, Golan! How did school go? You make any new friends? Abandon any old ones? Actually, my first day didn't go that well.
Oh, well.
Too bad.
Time to drop out and never talk to my sister again.
Uh, nope, I'm going to give it one more shot.
- What? - Your sister and her friends are having a rock quarry party tonight.
I could go and prove to them how awesome I am.
By like, you know, bringing drugs and guns.
- Everybody wins.
- Yeah.
That would do it.
My sister loves drugs and guns.
Announcer on TV: Next week on the season finale Wait.
You know what she loves even more? - Magic! - Magic! Are you sure? Trust me.
Nothing impresses teenagers more than the uninvited guy doing magic at the otherwise fun party! Ooh, what's that behind your ear? Whoa Witch! Hey, hey, hey good morning, Minnesota Yay! Minnesota is the new California This is the best rock quarry get togeth yet! Alexis, Keith, guys, I'm here! Ugh! What are you doing here, Golan? The real question is do you believe in magic? Magic? Magic is like the only part of David Copperfield that I don't like.
- Ta-da! - My face! It fell off my face! You guys that was awesome, you guys! Yeah! Keg me! Golan! Golan! Golan! Golan! Looks like Golan's gonna be popular.
Now, this is the part of high school I really missed out on.
Being fun-drunk When I dropped out, I only experienced missing-prom-and-staying- home-to-nurse drunk.
Don't get pregnant.
I'm not gonna get pregnant.
That's it! Where is it? Where is it? Come on.
Yes! A pregnancy spell! I'll get him pregnant, and then he'll drop out of high school and never leave me! I don't feel so good Wait, that's not me.
I don't feel so good Yeah, yeah, that's me.
Hey, Dylan.
You up? Yes, m'lord.
Quick question.
Am I like normally nine months pregnant? - No! - Okay, cool.
Go back to sleep.
Sorry for bothering you.
Oh, wait, one more thing Ah! Spaghetti and a-meatballs! Ooh! Hot! Hot, hot, hot, hot! Takes a second.
- Mom? - Dylan! - I need to tell you something.
- What happened? - Dylan and I are pregnant.
- Oh, god! It was a wild party.
I don't remember anything.
Really, anyone could've gotten me pregnant.
I've been there - So what do you guys want to do? - Well, we've decided to keep it.
I grew up in a very pro-life dimension.
In Gkruool, we don't kill anything until it can smile.
We thought we should get your position on dropping out of high school when you're pregnant, which is obviously what you think we should do, right? Great, so it's settled, I'll tell Alexis no need to carpool.
Drop out of school, huh? That is what I did.
And I have regretted it every day since! I am sorry, but I will not let you screw up your life the way you and your sister screwed up mine! No one is dropping out! But, Golan will be slut-shamed! - There's nothing we can do.
- Yes, there is! You could do what I do with my vestigial twin and hide it! That's a great idea, sis Why won't you let me come out? Now I'm gonna march upstairs, and find you an outfit to hide that disgusting body of yours! - Yeah! - No! Oh, Keith, when they crown you king tonight, you're going to make me your queen.
Hey, gang! Great party last night.
Sorry I had to, uh bounce.
Cool outfit, Golan.
What is that? A bounce house? Oh, yeah, what, this? Uh, you know.
If you find something right off the rack - Nobody expects a trash attack.
- You're not gonna give Oh, my god! Golan, you're pregnant! O-M-G, you guys! I'm so excited we have a real life pregnant teen here in Oak Grove, you guys! - What? - You're excited? But you're all looking at me like I'm a slut - # and I kinda like it # - No! We're just star-struck.
We thought pregnant teens only happened in big cities like Minneapolis or MTV! Yeah, pregnant teens are so cool, we should vote Golan king instead of Keith! Yes, yes! I'm finally gonna be king! Golan, if you're king, I bet you'd make me your queen, right? Well, sure, I guess I mean, duh! Babe you dropped my hand.
Come on, Golan.
Let's get out of here.
I'm a man who's told that Ow! Whoa, Dylan! I can tell when something's bothering you and since this isn't one of those times, I'm going back to shaving.
You son of a bitch.
I will not let you leave me for my stupid sister! What the hell's wrong with you? I'm finally gonna be king, like we planned You're lucky my jiggly rolls of back muscle protected the baby.
I don't care about that stupid baby! I never should have gotten you pregnant! You got me pregnant?! You wanted me to drop out of school! Whoa.
The little mystery solver solved the big mystery.
Wow.
You want to dance? I'll dance.
Whoa, bitch got weapons! That was a really stupid birthday gift.
Say goodbye, Golan.
If I can't have you, no one can.
Go for it then we'll both get blown sky high.
I always knew it would end like this.
Hey! What did I tell you two about battles to the death in the house? - She started it! - I started it! Both of you! Couch! Now! Okay, I've heard from you both and I think I understand why you're upset, but violence is never the answer.
I told you, Dylan! Shut up you backstabbing piece of ass! Enough! Dylan, if you're worried about losing Golan to your sister when he becomes king, then I suggest you find someone to supplant Golan's throne at the last, and therefore, most dramatic moment.
Got it? Great idea! Thanks, mom! And Golan, if you still believe becoming king somehow makes you the legitimate ruler of our world, then I suggest you hurry and take my beautiful daughter to that dance.
And I know my pride must fall like those leaves in fall downwinds so cold Oh, wow! So that's Alexis.
I was a fool to think that I could become king.
And I was a fool to think you were different than all the other men in my life.
Uh Hey, Dylan.
How long have you been standing there? Long enough to know you don't wash your hands after anything.
Yuck.
Now look I don't want to lose Golan to my stupid sister and you don't want to lose Alexis to my godlord.
- So we gotta make you king.
- But he's pregnant! Do you know how to beat a pregnant teen? 'Cause you sure don't look like an Islamic fundamentalist to me, Dylan! No, Keith, but I think I know a place that might.
Oh, give us your wisdom, o' kings of the past.
Tell us, how did you earn your crowns? I was the captain of the croquet team! So they voted me king.
Well, I'm captain of the hockey team! But that doesn't trump being a pregnant teen! I was the best looking guy in school! Well, some say I have the chiseled good looks of a young Rock Hudson but that doesn't trump being a pregnant teen either! Because nothing does! Nothing! I was a total dork and yet I was voted king.
But how? Dorks can't get pregnant.
Those two bullies ran me over to impress their girlfriends my skull was crushed and I slipped into a persistent vegetative state.
The students felt so bad for me, they crowned me king.
That's it! The sympathy vote.
But, Dylan, I'm not in a persistent vegetative state.
Not yet.
- Get him! - Smash that dork's face in! Big buddy Keith come on.
Let me just have a little crack at that skull of yours.
No, please Dylan.
Why don't we just forget all of this and go to the foam-finger- lollipop-balloon store, like we were supposed to, huh? - For For serious? - Of course, Dylan! Or should I say little buddy Dylan.
Okay, big buddy, let's go! Let's get this party started early! I know it's early, but the results of the king and queen have leaked out just a bit.
This is it! My big moment.
I am so going to hold in my fart for this.
Not me.
Your king is Yello! You hear that, Golan? That's the sound of Keith's mangled body.
And when I get him to the dance, he's going to beat you with the sympathy vote.
- You'll never become king! - Who is this? I don't have your name programmed into my phone.
- Uh, Dylan - You're gonna have to be more specific.
- I know, like, three Dylans.
- Oh, my god, Dylan Beekler! Bickler Beekler Did you say, Beekler? Dylan Beekler! That's my sister, you idiot! Hurry, mayor! Open the envelope! I'm trying.
This is what I get for only focusing on my quads at the gym.
Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! I gotta say, it's been nice spending time with you again, big buddy Keith.
- Come on! Come on! - Ooh, got it.
The precoming king is Keith is here! Hey, Keith! Oh, my god! Keith is in a persistent vegetated state, everybody! I feel terrible.
Ooh! Let's give Keith the sympathy vote and make him the king instead of Golan! Got it.
The king is Keith! Here's your crown and your check for $500,000! I'm a man who's told that I'm going places Suck it, Golan.
- Later, loser.
- Hey! Come on.
You look like you're gonna be popular.
Let's get out of here.
What the hell, Dylan?! I was just about to rule your entire stupid dimension! Why do you ruin everything? Oh, okay.
Well, if I ruin everything, then I guess you can find another little girl's bed to sleep in.
Maybe I will, Dylan.
Maybe I Oh! Sweet lord! It's coming! Oh, my god.
- She's an abomination! - She sure is.
What should we name her? I've always liked the name "Penis" for a girl.
- President Penis.
- Golan: She's so beautiful.
I'm sorry I ruined your chance to be king.
I only did all that 'cause I was upset.
And I thought you were going to leave me like Keith did - and my dad.
- I know.
And honestly, I would have a couple days ago.
Yeah.
But now, you know I'm almost middle age and just had a baby.
And there's no way this ass is snapping back from that.
No, there is not, sweetheart.
Yeah, I'm not going anywhere.
Come on, Dylan let's go home and start a bath, so we can wash off our blood-soaked baby Penis.
I'm a man who's told that I'm going places igniting fires and lighting up faces Woman: Richard!