Great News (2017) s02e06 Episode Script
Pool Show
1 95 96 - 97 98 - CROWD: Oh! 99 100! Wow! That's so many reps! Aren't ya tired? - Yes.
- Nope! If you could put me down, please.
Seriously, everyone.
Back to work.
- I'm sorry.
- Who's this? My fiancé Carvell.
He got suspended from the NFL for deflating footballs then re-filling them with helium.
They could never prove I did it because the ball's still in outer space.
So you guys are like a real A-list power couple, uh? Yeah.
And it's great, because we both get to go into the celebrity bunker once that meteor hits.
I mean, once nothing happens.
First order of business Blimpie has agreed to partner with us for an exciting new weekly segment The Blimpie Hero of the Week.
Katie, you can produce that.
Okay, fine, so it's just like a profile on a person who did something heroic? Actually, it needs to be a profile on a hero sandwich that did something heroic.
Who else has story pitches? I have one We can discuss the ramifications of the United States conducting bombing raids on Libya.
Carvell, can you spin me? Despite Congress never having officially declared war.
Muah! Aw! That's nice.
Do you know what Dr.
Maria from the radio always says? - Kissing helps you live longer.
- It does? I'll do that and stop taking this stupid heart medicine.
I'm sorry, Carvell, having you here is a bit distracting.
Oh, my bad, guys.
Have a great meeting.
And please leave Portia.
Sorry about that.
Carvell and I don't get to spend that much time together because of football, but now I have him all to myself.
I think it's gonna be really good for our relationship.
Oh.
How did you two meet? Just so you know, I'm only asking so I can tell you how Dave and I met.
Well, I was a sideline reporter.
And one game, Joe Namath painted a microphone on his crotch and tried to get me to interview him with it.
But Carvell defended my honor and stuffed Joe Namath in a trash can.
It was really romantic.
Oh, great.
My story.
My first day at the law firm.
I walk into the men's room nude on a dare from Jan.
Now, back story on Jan Can we please, please continue with the meeting? Stop the meeting! I hold in my hand an extra ticket to the David Blaine show tonight.
Yes, it is inspired by "The Matrix.
" Now, to decide who gets to go with me, a magic trivia contest! Penn Jillette sealed himself in the trunk of what car for a "Celebrity Apprentice" sponsorship presentation? Anybody! I really don't wanna go, - but it was a Buick Verano.
- Shh! [UPBEAT NEWS BROADCAST MUSIC.]
Sorry I haven't called until now.
I was actually in Venezuela covering the riots.
It's okay.
I've been pretty busy - at the office too.
- Oh, yeah? What're you working on? Why be ashamed to tell you when I could be ashamed to show you? And the crash survivors lived off that Italian sub for ten days.
That's why he's our Hero of the Week.
- Woof! - Yep.
Well, we've all had our share of fluff pieces.
I just wish I could do something exciting for once.
You know, I'm going on a stakeout tonight.
- Why don't you come with? - A stakeout? Yeah.
I got a hot tip that this congressman is being blackmailed over some photos he doesn't want to get out.
Nobody knows what they have on 'em.
- Ooh - Just kiddin'.
It's sex stuff.
It's always sex stuff.
Wow.
So you're gonna get some hot snaps - of the loot drop? - Those aren't terms, but yeah.
Oh, I would love to, but I can't.
I made plans with my mom to watch "Goose," the sexy Mother Goose adaptation on the CW - set in present day Miami.
- So cancel on her.
She'd go insane if she found out I was on a stakeout.
- She hates danger.
- Look, I get it.
- If you're scared - No! I'm not scared.
Honestly, "Goose" is probably scarier than your thing.
Last week, the serial killer, Itsy Bitsy, almost killed Detective Muffet with his Hot Crossbow.
Wait.
This show might be bad.
You know what? I'll be there.
All right.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
[THUD.]
Hey! That football was signed by Dan Marino to my ex-wife! "For all the crazy nights.
" Sorry, man.
This guy was just callin' my name.
Well, technically, this is a she.
Hey, aren't you Portia's fiancé, the football star? Well, I don't know how much of a star I am anymore.
I spent the last 12 years in the League.
A lotta my bones are inside out.
Well, I know a little something about that.
I'm actually an elder statesman in my field as well.
Ah so you get it! Hey, you ever feel like everybody's just waitin' on you to hang it up? Totally! This industry has been trying to send me out on an ice floe for years.
But guess what I survived being on an ice floe for two weeks when I tried to make my own - "March of the Penguins.
" - You know what? I'm not ready to retire either.
I don't care what my neurologist says says says says.
That's the spirit! Hey, pass that thing over here! Aah! Sorry.
I played defense in high school.
- Muscle memory.
- Man, I'm not allowed to talk to any of my teammates during my suspension, so it's kinda nice to have a guy I can throw the ball with.
Oh.
[SMALL LAUGH.]
Say, you wouldn't be interested in going to a "Matrix" -themed magic show featuring none of the original cast, would ya? [LIGHT MUSIC.]
Hey, Mom, I can't watch "Goose" tonight.
I don't really feel well.
I think I ate something weird.
- Really? - Yeah.
That's not like you.
All the boys used to call you The Iron Stomach and pay good money to watch you eat.
Well, I hope you feel better.
We can watch it tomorrow night.
911, it's Carol.
My daughter just lied to me, which means she is in grave danger.
Would you connect me, please, to Liam Neeson's line? Carvell, I'm home! - Oh, nice! Nice, man.
- Good move.
- Good job, good job.
- Carvell? What makes you jump up like that? Which one am I? Oh, I got it! - What's Chuck doing here? - We had so much fun at David Blaine, we decided to keep hanging out here.
We drank all the beers.
We prank called Chuck's urologist.
- [LAUGHS.]
- And we went for a swim.
We made a pool show.
Carvell chose all the music, and I designed the moves.
Then Chuck swam through my legs.
And then I pop up, and he throws me, and I do a special spin.
Okay, so you guys are like friends now? Big time! It's not easy to make friends if you're a famous adult male.
And Carvell and I have like a ton in common.
We're both really into compilations of sexy commercials that they can't show in the United States! Ha ha! Yes! Hey, babe, can he sleep over? Please, Mrs.
Carvell? Hey, Greg, would you mind driving me home? It's gotten dark, and I have trouble driving at night.
I once thought a stop sign was a logo for a new Target in my town.
I got so excited I sped up - and T-boned an ambulance.
- Sure, Carol, it's fine.
Don't worry.
I'm not up to something.
I'm so sorry.
What were you saying? [OMINOUS CHORDS.]
I can't believe I'm on a real stakeout.
A congressman getting blackmailed I feel like I'm on "House of Cards.
" [SOUTHERN ACCENT.]
Freddy, you have outdone yourself - with these ribs.
- Oh, you know what? There's some bottles of Gatorade down there if you need something to drink.
And then pee in.
And then accidentally almost drink.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
And then five times drink.
Where are we? This isn't where you live.
Greg, I have a confession to make.
When we were speaking earlier, my fingers were crossed.
- Not again.
- I'm worried about Katie.
She lied to me, and I think she's in trouble.
I needed somebody brave and strong to help me spy on her, but I'm not allowed within 50 yards of Scott Bakula, - so I brought you.
- We're leaving.
You're not going without these keys.
[KEYS CLATTERING.]
Aah! We're still not leaving.
Oh, stop pouting.
We can leave as soon as we figure out what's going on in that car.
If you're bored, listen to Dr.
Maria.
She gives love advice on her show, and it can get pretty steamy.
And after my third hysterectomy, the dryness Okay, I hate this.
Please, can we leave? Katie's obviously on a date.
She didn't want to tell you because she thought you'd go insane.
- Which you did.
- Oh, God, a date? I thought she was with a cartel guy using her as a drug mule.
But a date is so much worse! - What are you talking about? - What kind of a garbage man would take a girl on a date in the warehouse district? At least when she was dating that actual garbage man, he took her for a moonlit carriage ride in the dump.
This is all your fault.
If you had just made a move.
Katie obviously liked y I'm sorry, Katie obviously liked Nothing.
Nothing.
I'm just a tired old woman.
Forget everything I said.
I mean, I haven't said anything.
I still haven't.
I still haven't.
Katie loves you.
Aah! [MUFFLED.]
I mean she likes you a lot.
Damn it! I thought my hands were stronger than this! Hey, when do blackmail exchanges tend to go down? [YAWNS.]
It's probably gonna be pretty soon, huh, - on a weeknight? - No, no, dude.
You can't yawn, all right? Ahh! It's contagious.
Ah! Okay.
Snap out of it, Jeremy.
It's only night one.
You have not earned - your Lindor truffles yet.
- Wait night one? You don't even know what night this is going down? Take it easy, cable news, all right? It's okay if you can't hang.
Go home and get some sleep.
I'll probably be out here again tomorrow.
You can come stick it out with me then.
I'm not too tired.
I'm fine, thank you.
I actually have an idea.
What if we rode that turtle to Grandma's and she took us to Karen? You know what, you're right.
I'm gonna go.
Good idea.
You think Katie's interested in me.
How do you know that? Because I have eyes, Greg.
You two could have had a good thing if you hadn't blown it with your stupid British [BRITISH ACCENT.]
"I have feelings for you, Katie", "but from afar.
What, what? I seem to have misplaced my hat!" Oh, great, this jamoke won't even give her a ride home.
Let's go.
So when I say go, I'll jump in swan position.
You catch me, throw me back in the air, triple flips, splashless dive, "Dirty Dancing" lift.
Got it? Okay, ready? - Go! - Hey, guys! You're supposed to catch me! Chuck, can I talk to you for a second? Sure.
Oh.
Whew.
What's up, Portia? Maybe you should spend tonight in your own house.
Please? I'll let you say, "Howdy, neighbors" - at the top of the show.
- I don't really like - cowboy stuff anymore.
- Okay, well, this is my house, and if you're here tonight, then I'm zapping you with my new line of Tasers.
Bye, babe! What's up with your bitch? I'm sorry, that was rude.
What's up with your bitch wife? Uh, we're actually not married.
We've just been engaged for five years.
Five years? That's how long it took me to get engaged, married, divorced, and acquitted of her attempted vehicular manslaughter.
Honestly I don't even see us getting married anytime soon.
You know what it's like when you're with somebody for a long time? You get comfortable, You lose the spark.
Anyway, I'ma go work on my handstands.
So Carvell's losing interest in Portia.
Obviously, she's underperforming in the boudoir.
Portia, there's something you need to see.
I told you, Chuck, the Muppets are not funny to me.
Just listen.
In the early '90s, I produced a series of marital therapy videotapes.
- You what? - I never mention it because I don't like to brag, and legally, I'm not supposed to, due to complains by a certain costar who "didn't know we were releasing them.
" But I think these might be the answer to your relationship problems with Carvell.
[RIPPLING HARP CHORDS.]
[INHALES.]
Hi.
I'm Chuck Pierce.
You know me as a trusted newsman, but what you may not know about me is that I love sex.
Especially in the confines of marriage.
- [SIGHS.]
Oh, no.
- Kathy Ireland once told me I was the world's greatest kisser.
And now, I'm gonna pass that technique on to you.
Step one you're gonna want a wet mouth.
Try thinking about steak.
Let's bring the camera in too close to see how I do it.
This is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.
- Turn it off.
- No, you need to watch.
Carvell said the spark was gone.
That means he has lost interest in you.
Eyes on the screen! A man needs encouragement.
Try helpful phrases like, "It's okay if you wanna take a nap and start up again later.
" Turn this off! Carvell's not the one not interested in me.
I'm the one who doesn't wanna marry him.
Oh my god! What? I've never admitted that before, but it's true.
The passion is gone.
We only have sex, like three times a day.
That's celebrity bed death! No wonder you didn't want me at your house.
You were jealous of the masculine chemistry - that Carvell and I shared.
- No.
I just didn't like you being there.
After you come over, it's like a "Chuck house," you know? God I think I have to end it.
[SIGHS.]
[KNOCKING.]
Hi.
You wanted to see me? Yes.
I did a little research after our stakeout.
I had a contact at the DMV run the plates of the guy that Katie was with last night.
Turns out, he's a "New York Times" reporter.
Ha! She's dating a guy that works at "The Times"? Oh, I love that paper! Nice and thick for killing silverfish.
No.
Don't you see what this means? They were probably working on a story together.
So it wasn't a date.
She's available.
To be punished.
For freelancing for another news organization.
Well, she did cancel watching "Goose" with me again tonight.
Maybe they're going back out there.
Well, then, you know what? We have to follow them again.
No.
Now that we know she's not in trouble, that's an invasion of privacy! It would be an invasion of privacy if it were a date, but it's not.
- It's work-related.
- Ohh I guess! Carol, I know you're just an intern, but this is basic work stuff.
401k, computer, out-of-office reply, secret night watching.
Believe me, it is all very work.
Okay Hey, Carvell, you ready to rehearse? I'm having a rough day, man.
I hope my mood doesn't affect my moves.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Uh-huh, yeah.
All right.
Oh.
Okay.
That was terrible.
What's wrong? Portia broke up with me.
Wha Who could've known earlier? Well, honestly, though, she was pretty annoying.
And now you and I can spend as much time together - as we want.
- Yeah, but - I'm devastated.
- I'll help ya get over it.
We will swim it out! Boy, I wish I had had a best friend when I was going through my divorce.
Well, I had Todd.
Of course, that was only for a few minutes until he turned out to be a process server.
I just wish there was some way to fix it.
- Yeah.
- Like if there was some type of love guide.
Did you say love guide? Okay, I know I wussed out on the stakeout last night, but tonight, I mean business.
I brought rations and surveillance equipment.
Okay.
I see a cut-up banana and what appears to be a "Pirates of the Caribbean" sky glass.
Yeah, no offense, but these are the supplies of a grade-A wuss.
I'm the wuss? Look who's talking, Mr.
"Ooh, my Lindor truffles, my sweet treat!" I was bleeding out in Afghanistan.
The bullet wound was the exact size of a Lindor truffle, and I swore to myself right there and then that if I ever made it - out of there alive - Hey, we get it.
You're really brave.
All right, I can see them in the car.
Welcome back, listeners.
Now, we settle in.
Sure you don't want a bite? Eating's the only way to get rid of the smell.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
- Oh, God, it's Cat.
Hello, love.
Sorry, I'm I'm stuck late at work.
Tonight.
Yeah, we, um, we lost the bag that we keep all the news in.
So hopefully that turns up.
- See you at home.
Bye.
- And moving on to our next caller.
What's troubling you? My problem is I think my boss is in love with my daughter.
He was pretending to spy on her for professional reasons, but then he just lied to his girlfriend - about where he was - Carol! - Oh, oh, oh! - You see that? Oh, whoa! It's like a million diamonds Ah.
Okay.
It's a kaleidoscope.
No, it's happening.
The congressman's security detail should be here any minute.
We just need some pictures of them making the pickup.
But you're gonna get pictures - of what's in the bag, right? - I don't think - that's a good idea.
- That's the real story! We have to get pictures of what's in the bag to see what he's being blackmailed for.
But they're gonna be here any minute.
Do you know who politicians hire for security in the state of New Jersey? People who would have been in the Mafia, but they didn't get good enough grades.
Oh, are you scared? 'Cause that's okay, if you're a wuss.
When I let slip that Katie liked you, all the feelings you didn't even know you had bubbled up, and why wouldn't they, Greg? She's smart, she's 3/4 me.
- She has Nana's yabbos.
- Carol, I promise you, I do not have feelings for your daughter.
- Wait.
Where are they going? - It looks like they're taking pictures of a duffle bag.
Jeez! This is the worst date I've ever seen.
Don't you see, Carol? They're clearly taking pictures for a story.
So I was right.
It's not a date.
Oh, God, they're gonna get caught.
Katie's in trouble.
Oh, please, Lord, don't kill Katie.
Take Dave instead.
He's been calling you a weenie and saying you wouldn't do it.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Hey! Sandwich attack! 'Twas a prank.
- Uhh! - [GASPS.]
- We did it! We got the story! - You got it.
You got it! I got so many hot shots of the loot drop! Those are terms, by the way.
I'm so sorry I lied to you.
The coast is clear.
You scared them off.
Ohh don't look, Greg.
I'll tell you when it's over.
Still going.
Still going.
Oh, you're gonna hate what he's doing to her now, Greg.
Carol, promise me you'll never tell anyone about this night.
I promise.
No crossies.
Well, my toes are crossed, but that's a genetic mutation because my grandmother's my grandfather's son.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
Feels like yesterday that I met Carvell.
It's hard to believe it was - the day before yesterday.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey, man, I'm going to CVS wanna come? Carvell, I would love that, but I care about you too much to not do what's best for you.
You know I don't watch VHS tapes since "The Ring.
" I still get the willies every time I see a Japanese girl crawl out of a well.
Oh! Trust me, this one's not gonna be scary.
[LILTING HARP CHORDS.]
A woman's body The nape of the neck, the trace of the collar bone, the boobus.
Hey, Mom, can I talk to you for a second? I have to come clean.
I've been lying to you.
I got this chance to go after a huge story with this "New York Times" reporter, but I didn't want you to worry, and now I think I might like this guy.
But I just wanna thank you for respecting my privacy.
Oh, I owe you an apology too.
I'm sorry I raised you to think lying was okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
So anyway, what happened on "Goose" this week? - You watched last night, right? - Hmm.
Nothing.
They just kinda sat around.
- Huh.
- [LAUGHING.]
Oh.
Okay.
Boy, I'll sleep well tonight.
Thanks for sparring with me, [BLEEP.]
.
And people can see you starring in your new comedy "Reba" this fall.
Is that correct? That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.
That's funny that's exactly what Portia said! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You showed this to Portia? Yeah.
Right before she broke up with you.
Why do you ask? - Aah! - I'm gonna kill you! - No! No! - I'm gonna take out the trash! No, my skeleton! [THUD.]
Carvell! What are you doing? I'm sorry.
It's just Chuck showed me the tapes he showed you, and I lost it.
You Joe Namathed his ass.
Most of the time, Carvell and I try to avoid gender stereotypes in our relationship, but I also love when big muscle men hurt other men for me.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
- I miss you, Portia.
- I miss you too.
Maybe we aren't so different from who we once were.
Sure, you were a second stringer, and my name was Tabby Fudge, but maybe the spark is still there.
Love is so romantic when both people are hot.
[POUNDING.]
May I come out now? Ooh! [GROANING, GRUNTING.]
Hey! [LISPING.]
The tapeth worked! Hey, Greg? Oh, my gosh, what happened to your face? Oh.
I ran into a deer last night.
But I saw your car in the lot it looked fine.
Right.
I ran into it jogging.
Listen, I hate to say this, but I can't do that hero sandwich segment.
There just haven't been any sandwiches involved in an act of bravery - this week.
- You're right, Katie.
- That's fine.
- Okay.
Thanks.
But there was a hero sandwich.
There was.
- I know, Carol.
- [GASPS.]
- Nope! If you could put me down, please.
Seriously, everyone.
Back to work.
- I'm sorry.
- Who's this? My fiancé Carvell.
He got suspended from the NFL for deflating footballs then re-filling them with helium.
They could never prove I did it because the ball's still in outer space.
So you guys are like a real A-list power couple, uh? Yeah.
And it's great, because we both get to go into the celebrity bunker once that meteor hits.
I mean, once nothing happens.
First order of business Blimpie has agreed to partner with us for an exciting new weekly segment The Blimpie Hero of the Week.
Katie, you can produce that.
Okay, fine, so it's just like a profile on a person who did something heroic? Actually, it needs to be a profile on a hero sandwich that did something heroic.
Who else has story pitches? I have one We can discuss the ramifications of the United States conducting bombing raids on Libya.
Carvell, can you spin me? Despite Congress never having officially declared war.
Muah! Aw! That's nice.
Do you know what Dr.
Maria from the radio always says? - Kissing helps you live longer.
- It does? I'll do that and stop taking this stupid heart medicine.
I'm sorry, Carvell, having you here is a bit distracting.
Oh, my bad, guys.
Have a great meeting.
And please leave Portia.
Sorry about that.
Carvell and I don't get to spend that much time together because of football, but now I have him all to myself.
I think it's gonna be really good for our relationship.
Oh.
How did you two meet? Just so you know, I'm only asking so I can tell you how Dave and I met.
Well, I was a sideline reporter.
And one game, Joe Namath painted a microphone on his crotch and tried to get me to interview him with it.
But Carvell defended my honor and stuffed Joe Namath in a trash can.
It was really romantic.
Oh, great.
My story.
My first day at the law firm.
I walk into the men's room nude on a dare from Jan.
Now, back story on Jan Can we please, please continue with the meeting? Stop the meeting! I hold in my hand an extra ticket to the David Blaine show tonight.
Yes, it is inspired by "The Matrix.
" Now, to decide who gets to go with me, a magic trivia contest! Penn Jillette sealed himself in the trunk of what car for a "Celebrity Apprentice" sponsorship presentation? Anybody! I really don't wanna go, - but it was a Buick Verano.
- Shh! [UPBEAT NEWS BROADCAST MUSIC.]
Sorry I haven't called until now.
I was actually in Venezuela covering the riots.
It's okay.
I've been pretty busy - at the office too.
- Oh, yeah? What're you working on? Why be ashamed to tell you when I could be ashamed to show you? And the crash survivors lived off that Italian sub for ten days.
That's why he's our Hero of the Week.
- Woof! - Yep.
Well, we've all had our share of fluff pieces.
I just wish I could do something exciting for once.
You know, I'm going on a stakeout tonight.
- Why don't you come with? - A stakeout? Yeah.
I got a hot tip that this congressman is being blackmailed over some photos he doesn't want to get out.
Nobody knows what they have on 'em.
- Ooh - Just kiddin'.
It's sex stuff.
It's always sex stuff.
Wow.
So you're gonna get some hot snaps - of the loot drop? - Those aren't terms, but yeah.
Oh, I would love to, but I can't.
I made plans with my mom to watch "Goose," the sexy Mother Goose adaptation on the CW - set in present day Miami.
- So cancel on her.
She'd go insane if she found out I was on a stakeout.
- She hates danger.
- Look, I get it.
- If you're scared - No! I'm not scared.
Honestly, "Goose" is probably scarier than your thing.
Last week, the serial killer, Itsy Bitsy, almost killed Detective Muffet with his Hot Crossbow.
Wait.
This show might be bad.
You know what? I'll be there.
All right.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
[THUD.]
Hey! That football was signed by Dan Marino to my ex-wife! "For all the crazy nights.
" Sorry, man.
This guy was just callin' my name.
Well, technically, this is a she.
Hey, aren't you Portia's fiancé, the football star? Well, I don't know how much of a star I am anymore.
I spent the last 12 years in the League.
A lotta my bones are inside out.
Well, I know a little something about that.
I'm actually an elder statesman in my field as well.
Ah so you get it! Hey, you ever feel like everybody's just waitin' on you to hang it up? Totally! This industry has been trying to send me out on an ice floe for years.
But guess what I survived being on an ice floe for two weeks when I tried to make my own - "March of the Penguins.
" - You know what? I'm not ready to retire either.
I don't care what my neurologist says says says says.
That's the spirit! Hey, pass that thing over here! Aah! Sorry.
I played defense in high school.
- Muscle memory.
- Man, I'm not allowed to talk to any of my teammates during my suspension, so it's kinda nice to have a guy I can throw the ball with.
Oh.
[SMALL LAUGH.]
Say, you wouldn't be interested in going to a "Matrix" -themed magic show featuring none of the original cast, would ya? [LIGHT MUSIC.]
Hey, Mom, I can't watch "Goose" tonight.
I don't really feel well.
I think I ate something weird.
- Really? - Yeah.
That's not like you.
All the boys used to call you The Iron Stomach and pay good money to watch you eat.
Well, I hope you feel better.
We can watch it tomorrow night.
911, it's Carol.
My daughter just lied to me, which means she is in grave danger.
Would you connect me, please, to Liam Neeson's line? Carvell, I'm home! - Oh, nice! Nice, man.
- Good move.
- Good job, good job.
- Carvell? What makes you jump up like that? Which one am I? Oh, I got it! - What's Chuck doing here? - We had so much fun at David Blaine, we decided to keep hanging out here.
We drank all the beers.
We prank called Chuck's urologist.
- [LAUGHS.]
- And we went for a swim.
We made a pool show.
Carvell chose all the music, and I designed the moves.
Then Chuck swam through my legs.
And then I pop up, and he throws me, and I do a special spin.
Okay, so you guys are like friends now? Big time! It's not easy to make friends if you're a famous adult male.
And Carvell and I have like a ton in common.
We're both really into compilations of sexy commercials that they can't show in the United States! Ha ha! Yes! Hey, babe, can he sleep over? Please, Mrs.
Carvell? Hey, Greg, would you mind driving me home? It's gotten dark, and I have trouble driving at night.
I once thought a stop sign was a logo for a new Target in my town.
I got so excited I sped up - and T-boned an ambulance.
- Sure, Carol, it's fine.
Don't worry.
I'm not up to something.
I'm so sorry.
What were you saying? [OMINOUS CHORDS.]
I can't believe I'm on a real stakeout.
A congressman getting blackmailed I feel like I'm on "House of Cards.
" [SOUTHERN ACCENT.]
Freddy, you have outdone yourself - with these ribs.
- Oh, you know what? There's some bottles of Gatorade down there if you need something to drink.
And then pee in.
And then accidentally almost drink.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
And then five times drink.
Where are we? This isn't where you live.
Greg, I have a confession to make.
When we were speaking earlier, my fingers were crossed.
- Not again.
- I'm worried about Katie.
She lied to me, and I think she's in trouble.
I needed somebody brave and strong to help me spy on her, but I'm not allowed within 50 yards of Scott Bakula, - so I brought you.
- We're leaving.
You're not going without these keys.
[KEYS CLATTERING.]
Aah! We're still not leaving.
Oh, stop pouting.
We can leave as soon as we figure out what's going on in that car.
If you're bored, listen to Dr.
Maria.
She gives love advice on her show, and it can get pretty steamy.
And after my third hysterectomy, the dryness Okay, I hate this.
Please, can we leave? Katie's obviously on a date.
She didn't want to tell you because she thought you'd go insane.
- Which you did.
- Oh, God, a date? I thought she was with a cartel guy using her as a drug mule.
But a date is so much worse! - What are you talking about? - What kind of a garbage man would take a girl on a date in the warehouse district? At least when she was dating that actual garbage man, he took her for a moonlit carriage ride in the dump.
This is all your fault.
If you had just made a move.
Katie obviously liked y I'm sorry, Katie obviously liked Nothing.
Nothing.
I'm just a tired old woman.
Forget everything I said.
I mean, I haven't said anything.
I still haven't.
I still haven't.
Katie loves you.
Aah! [MUFFLED.]
I mean she likes you a lot.
Damn it! I thought my hands were stronger than this! Hey, when do blackmail exchanges tend to go down? [YAWNS.]
It's probably gonna be pretty soon, huh, - on a weeknight? - No, no, dude.
You can't yawn, all right? Ahh! It's contagious.
Ah! Okay.
Snap out of it, Jeremy.
It's only night one.
You have not earned - your Lindor truffles yet.
- Wait night one? You don't even know what night this is going down? Take it easy, cable news, all right? It's okay if you can't hang.
Go home and get some sleep.
I'll probably be out here again tomorrow.
You can come stick it out with me then.
I'm not too tired.
I'm fine, thank you.
I actually have an idea.
What if we rode that turtle to Grandma's and she took us to Karen? You know what, you're right.
I'm gonna go.
Good idea.
You think Katie's interested in me.
How do you know that? Because I have eyes, Greg.
You two could have had a good thing if you hadn't blown it with your stupid British [BRITISH ACCENT.]
"I have feelings for you, Katie", "but from afar.
What, what? I seem to have misplaced my hat!" Oh, great, this jamoke won't even give her a ride home.
Let's go.
So when I say go, I'll jump in swan position.
You catch me, throw me back in the air, triple flips, splashless dive, "Dirty Dancing" lift.
Got it? Okay, ready? - Go! - Hey, guys! You're supposed to catch me! Chuck, can I talk to you for a second? Sure.
Oh.
Whew.
What's up, Portia? Maybe you should spend tonight in your own house.
Please? I'll let you say, "Howdy, neighbors" - at the top of the show.
- I don't really like - cowboy stuff anymore.
- Okay, well, this is my house, and if you're here tonight, then I'm zapping you with my new line of Tasers.
Bye, babe! What's up with your bitch? I'm sorry, that was rude.
What's up with your bitch wife? Uh, we're actually not married.
We've just been engaged for five years.
Five years? That's how long it took me to get engaged, married, divorced, and acquitted of her attempted vehicular manslaughter.
Honestly I don't even see us getting married anytime soon.
You know what it's like when you're with somebody for a long time? You get comfortable, You lose the spark.
Anyway, I'ma go work on my handstands.
So Carvell's losing interest in Portia.
Obviously, she's underperforming in the boudoir.
Portia, there's something you need to see.
I told you, Chuck, the Muppets are not funny to me.
Just listen.
In the early '90s, I produced a series of marital therapy videotapes.
- You what? - I never mention it because I don't like to brag, and legally, I'm not supposed to, due to complains by a certain costar who "didn't know we were releasing them.
" But I think these might be the answer to your relationship problems with Carvell.
[RIPPLING HARP CHORDS.]
[INHALES.]
Hi.
I'm Chuck Pierce.
You know me as a trusted newsman, but what you may not know about me is that I love sex.
Especially in the confines of marriage.
- [SIGHS.]
Oh, no.
- Kathy Ireland once told me I was the world's greatest kisser.
And now, I'm gonna pass that technique on to you.
Step one you're gonna want a wet mouth.
Try thinking about steak.
Let's bring the camera in too close to see how I do it.
This is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.
- Turn it off.
- No, you need to watch.
Carvell said the spark was gone.
That means he has lost interest in you.
Eyes on the screen! A man needs encouragement.
Try helpful phrases like, "It's okay if you wanna take a nap and start up again later.
" Turn this off! Carvell's not the one not interested in me.
I'm the one who doesn't wanna marry him.
Oh my god! What? I've never admitted that before, but it's true.
The passion is gone.
We only have sex, like three times a day.
That's celebrity bed death! No wonder you didn't want me at your house.
You were jealous of the masculine chemistry - that Carvell and I shared.
- No.
I just didn't like you being there.
After you come over, it's like a "Chuck house," you know? God I think I have to end it.
[SIGHS.]
[KNOCKING.]
Hi.
You wanted to see me? Yes.
I did a little research after our stakeout.
I had a contact at the DMV run the plates of the guy that Katie was with last night.
Turns out, he's a "New York Times" reporter.
Ha! She's dating a guy that works at "The Times"? Oh, I love that paper! Nice and thick for killing silverfish.
No.
Don't you see what this means? They were probably working on a story together.
So it wasn't a date.
She's available.
To be punished.
For freelancing for another news organization.
Well, she did cancel watching "Goose" with me again tonight.
Maybe they're going back out there.
Well, then, you know what? We have to follow them again.
No.
Now that we know she's not in trouble, that's an invasion of privacy! It would be an invasion of privacy if it were a date, but it's not.
- It's work-related.
- Ohh I guess! Carol, I know you're just an intern, but this is basic work stuff.
401k, computer, out-of-office reply, secret night watching.
Believe me, it is all very work.
Okay Hey, Carvell, you ready to rehearse? I'm having a rough day, man.
I hope my mood doesn't affect my moves.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Uh-huh, yeah.
All right.
Oh.
Okay.
That was terrible.
What's wrong? Portia broke up with me.
Wha Who could've known earlier? Well, honestly, though, she was pretty annoying.
And now you and I can spend as much time together - as we want.
- Yeah, but - I'm devastated.
- I'll help ya get over it.
We will swim it out! Boy, I wish I had had a best friend when I was going through my divorce.
Well, I had Todd.
Of course, that was only for a few minutes until he turned out to be a process server.
I just wish there was some way to fix it.
- Yeah.
- Like if there was some type of love guide.
Did you say love guide? Okay, I know I wussed out on the stakeout last night, but tonight, I mean business.
I brought rations and surveillance equipment.
Okay.
I see a cut-up banana and what appears to be a "Pirates of the Caribbean" sky glass.
Yeah, no offense, but these are the supplies of a grade-A wuss.
I'm the wuss? Look who's talking, Mr.
"Ooh, my Lindor truffles, my sweet treat!" I was bleeding out in Afghanistan.
The bullet wound was the exact size of a Lindor truffle, and I swore to myself right there and then that if I ever made it - out of there alive - Hey, we get it.
You're really brave.
All right, I can see them in the car.
Welcome back, listeners.
Now, we settle in.
Sure you don't want a bite? Eating's the only way to get rid of the smell.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
- Oh, God, it's Cat.
Hello, love.
Sorry, I'm I'm stuck late at work.
Tonight.
Yeah, we, um, we lost the bag that we keep all the news in.
So hopefully that turns up.
- See you at home.
Bye.
- And moving on to our next caller.
What's troubling you? My problem is I think my boss is in love with my daughter.
He was pretending to spy on her for professional reasons, but then he just lied to his girlfriend - about where he was - Carol! - Oh, oh, oh! - You see that? Oh, whoa! It's like a million diamonds Ah.
Okay.
It's a kaleidoscope.
No, it's happening.
The congressman's security detail should be here any minute.
We just need some pictures of them making the pickup.
But you're gonna get pictures - of what's in the bag, right? - I don't think - that's a good idea.
- That's the real story! We have to get pictures of what's in the bag to see what he's being blackmailed for.
But they're gonna be here any minute.
Do you know who politicians hire for security in the state of New Jersey? People who would have been in the Mafia, but they didn't get good enough grades.
Oh, are you scared? 'Cause that's okay, if you're a wuss.
When I let slip that Katie liked you, all the feelings you didn't even know you had bubbled up, and why wouldn't they, Greg? She's smart, she's 3/4 me.
- She has Nana's yabbos.
- Carol, I promise you, I do not have feelings for your daughter.
- Wait.
Where are they going? - It looks like they're taking pictures of a duffle bag.
Jeez! This is the worst date I've ever seen.
Don't you see, Carol? They're clearly taking pictures for a story.
So I was right.
It's not a date.
Oh, God, they're gonna get caught.
Katie's in trouble.
Oh, please, Lord, don't kill Katie.
Take Dave instead.
He's been calling you a weenie and saying you wouldn't do it.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Hey! Sandwich attack! 'Twas a prank.
- Uhh! - [GASPS.]
- We did it! We got the story! - You got it.
You got it! I got so many hot shots of the loot drop! Those are terms, by the way.
I'm so sorry I lied to you.
The coast is clear.
You scared them off.
Ohh don't look, Greg.
I'll tell you when it's over.
Still going.
Still going.
Oh, you're gonna hate what he's doing to her now, Greg.
Carol, promise me you'll never tell anyone about this night.
I promise.
No crossies.
Well, my toes are crossed, but that's a genetic mutation because my grandmother's my grandfather's son.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
Feels like yesterday that I met Carvell.
It's hard to believe it was - the day before yesterday.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey, man, I'm going to CVS wanna come? Carvell, I would love that, but I care about you too much to not do what's best for you.
You know I don't watch VHS tapes since "The Ring.
" I still get the willies every time I see a Japanese girl crawl out of a well.
Oh! Trust me, this one's not gonna be scary.
[LILTING HARP CHORDS.]
A woman's body The nape of the neck, the trace of the collar bone, the boobus.
Hey, Mom, can I talk to you for a second? I have to come clean.
I've been lying to you.
I got this chance to go after a huge story with this "New York Times" reporter, but I didn't want you to worry, and now I think I might like this guy.
But I just wanna thank you for respecting my privacy.
Oh, I owe you an apology too.
I'm sorry I raised you to think lying was okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
So anyway, what happened on "Goose" this week? - You watched last night, right? - Hmm.
Nothing.
They just kinda sat around.
- Huh.
- [LAUGHING.]
Oh.
Okay.
Boy, I'll sleep well tonight.
Thanks for sparring with me, [BLEEP.]
.
And people can see you starring in your new comedy "Reba" this fall.
Is that correct? That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.
That's funny that's exactly what Portia said! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You showed this to Portia? Yeah.
Right before she broke up with you.
Why do you ask? - Aah! - I'm gonna kill you! - No! No! - I'm gonna take out the trash! No, my skeleton! [THUD.]
Carvell! What are you doing? I'm sorry.
It's just Chuck showed me the tapes he showed you, and I lost it.
You Joe Namathed his ass.
Most of the time, Carvell and I try to avoid gender stereotypes in our relationship, but I also love when big muscle men hurt other men for me.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
- I miss you, Portia.
- I miss you too.
Maybe we aren't so different from who we once were.
Sure, you were a second stringer, and my name was Tabby Fudge, but maybe the spark is still there.
Love is so romantic when both people are hot.
[POUNDING.]
May I come out now? Ooh! [GROANING, GRUNTING.]
Hey! [LISPING.]
The tapeth worked! Hey, Greg? Oh, my gosh, what happened to your face? Oh.
I ran into a deer last night.
But I saw your car in the lot it looked fine.
Right.
I ran into it jogging.
Listen, I hate to say this, but I can't do that hero sandwich segment.
There just haven't been any sandwiches involved in an act of bravery - this week.
- You're right, Katie.
- That's fine.
- Okay.
Thanks.
But there was a hero sandwich.
There was.
- I know, Carol.
- [GASPS.]