Ground Floor (2013) s02e06 Episode Script

1 Hey, Brody.
I know I was hired to replace you and now you're back upstairs.
I just wanted to make sure that there's no awkwardness between us.
No.
It's all good.
We're both adults.
Why are you sitting at Trolltopia? You named the desk Trolltopia? (Chuckles) That's so lame.
Sorry, Excelsior.
Where is my stuff? It's on your new desk.
No.
No way.
That's the fart desk.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Yes, you do.
People stop at that desk, pretend to look at the Henderson file, and then just let it rip.
Oh, the Henderson numbers.
Oh, they are looking very (High-pitched voice) Very (Normal voice) Strong.
Can I at least have my chair back? It took my three weeks to find one that was perfect for my lumbar.
These chairs are all the same.
I've had back problems, so I need a lot of extra support.
Aah! (Gasps) All right, people.
I know we're all very excited to welcome back Mr.
Moyer.
And like any triumphant return, it deserves a-a great speech.
Son, you have 30 seconds.
Uh I suppose I could come up with something.
In the depth of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.
I think well said.
Well said.
Now, in order to boost morale around here, I like to have a little friendly competition, so I want you to all prepare to get your asses kicked in my annual three-on-three basketball tournament.
- Let's play some round ball! - Oh! I'm back just in time! Some of you will be lucky enough to play on my team.
Mr.
Moyer, you'll be my point guard.
Mr.
wen, as usual, you'll be my fourth man.
(Gasps) I'm so happy.
He called me a man.
Just to keep things fair, I like to give my final spot away to some random temp.
Let's see who the agency sent over.
Oh.
What? Hey.
Look at you.
Son, tell me this have you have you ever played basketball? I lucked out once again.
Happy to be here, sir.
By the way, I think you might be underexposed in developing markets.
Not what you're here for.
All right.
Let's get back to work.
But first, let me take a look at this Henderson file.
Hey, Harvard.
Uh, I don't know if you deal with getting people new chairs No.
It's just that my back is really sore.
(Chuckling) Um, crazy thought.
You know what might help is a massage.
Yeah, why don't I go ahead and warm up these magic fingers so I can Google "physical therapy.
" No, thanks.
I-I think I'll be okay.
(Sighs) You need to ask that girl out, man.
I'm tired of seeing you so lonely, and I'm tired of you coming over to my family's house for every single holiday.
Which reminds me arbor day is right around the corner.
And I got to get a pine-scented joint to smoke with your grandma.
Stop smoking weed with my grandma! Ask her out, man.
There's no way I'm asking Lindsay out, okay? Yes, she's cute and clearly very good at soccer, but she's upstairs people.
And they're just so how can I put this? I'm back on top, you guys That.
Hi, baby.
How's your first day up there? Was it all guy talk? (Deep voice) Money.
Numbers.
Testicles.
(Normal voice) I don't know.
(Chuckles) No, no, no.
We discussed Threepeat's underwear situation and then Mansfield's basketball tournament, so, yeah, a little.
I love basketball.
You know, I almost got a scholarship to play in college.
What? You never told me you almost went to college.
What happened? We won the championship game, but I blew out my knee.
Well, you came down on it wrong? No, not exactly.
I did it air-humping a pony keg at the after party.
Oh.
Well, does it bother you? A little when it rains, you know, or if I move kind of weird.
I meant about not going to college.
Not really.
I-I barely even think about it.
So, um How do I sign up for, uh, the tournament? Uh, you want to play in Mansfield's basketball tournament? Yeah.
That's Not a problem, is it? Uh It's a huge problem.
If I beat my girlfriend at basketball, I'm a dick.
And if I go easy on her and let her win, Mansfield will be pissed and it'll ruin my first week back upstairs.
It's a lose/lose situation.
You're so lucky you don't have a girlfriend.
Yeah.
I feel lucky.
Anyway, uh, how exactly did you leave it with Jenny? I promised I'd talk to Mansfield about her playing basketball.
Then that's exactly what you do.
You talk to Mansfield about Jenny playing basketball, but you technically don't ask him about her playing in the tournament.
Plausible deniability.
Brilliant.
I live my entire life that way.
For example, it is a true statement when I say that I went to Yale and graduated in 2002.
Wait.
Are you saying you didn't go to Yale? I went to Yale on spring break Oh.
right before I graduated from UCONN in 2002.
That is genius.
I could do this.
Sir? Ah, Mr.
Moyer.
Come on in.
I'm just practicing my set shot.
Think fast.
Are you gonna throw the ball at me? Well, no.
No.
I'm just giving you life advice.
I'm telling you to think fast.
Right.
You know, so many people play basketball.
I play basketball, you play, Jenny plays.
It's a very popular sport.
(Clears throat) That should cover it.
Jenny plays? What's up? Jenny should play in the tournament.
In fact, the whole ground floor should play in the tournament.
Oh, I don't think that would be a good idea.
It's a terrible idea.
I don't know why you brought it up in the first place.
After all you've been through, I-I would think you'd want to keep your personal and a-and your work life separate.
It's a it's a lose/lose.
Yeah.
Right.
So we shouldn't do it.
No.
It's too late.
I like it.
It's done.
Ow! What the hell?! Should have been thinking fast.
Hey.
Hello.
I'm just waiting for Derrick.
He apparently has some kind of crazy-ass muffin he wants me to try.
Yeah, he told me the same thing.
I bet it's got craisins in it.
Harvard and Lindsay, I'm here to tell you that the crazy-ass muffin club is a ruse.
You two are officially on a date.
Every time! Come on, now.
You both are perfect for each other.
You're gullible, smart, and you both think Harvard's cute.
Now, you better get your date on.
Get your date on! I'm willing to give it a try if you are.
What would it entail? Maybe some conversation.
For example, I like your beard.
ILike your Red hair.
I sort have a thing for recessive genes.
Well, every other generation of my family has a sixth toe on their left foot.
Can you take off your shoes and count to 11? You'll have to get me into sandals to find out.
(Giggles) I also like science fiction.
Hello! You are going to love my book idea.
It's about a planet with not one, not two, not 10, but 8 different genders.
That sounds great.
I actually once had bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
It's really rude to interrupt someone when they're talking about their book.
Okay.
There are 268 chapters.
Chapter one dawn of the vag-enis.
Check me out! Basketball team M.
V.
P.
Damn, if I hadn't hurt my knee, I could have been, like, a famous WNBA player, you know? I could have been, like, a household name like You can't think of one famous WNBA player, can you? I want to say Lisa Loeb, but I that's not right.
Hey.
Hey, babe.
So, did you talk to Mansfield? Can I play in the tournament? Yes, I did talk to Mansfield.
And he thinks it's a terrible idea.
Mansfield said no? Mansfield has said no.
Are you using plausible deniability on me? These things never work out for me.
Look, I've only been back up there a day, okay? I just want to keep my upstairs life separate.
Why? Because us downstairs people aren't good enough to play in your game? Okay, we are tired of being treated like second-class citizens, right, Derrick? I'm staying out of this.
You're not second-class citizens.
You're equal you know, separate but equal.
Okay, now I'm in it.
(Chuckles) It is on, okay? Downstairs versus upstairs.
Good versus evil.
Me versus you.
Fine but just as a warning, when we square off on the court, I'm not your boyfriend.
I love you, but I'm gonna be the guy that's out there thinking fast, okay, on the floor, in my mind, everywhere.
You bring it on! You do not know who you are dealing with! I could have been the next Leslie Nielsen! Yeah, that's not right, either.
I know it's not right.
I know.
What an amazing date.
We talked for four hours.
And now we are texting nonstop.
(Laughs) You are bad.
You're bad.
What did she say? Oh.
No, it's actually something I said.
Guys, we need to form a ground-floor basketball team A.
S.
A.
P.
Derrick and I need a third.
Harvard, how would you like to stick it to those upstairs douches? Jenny! I'm now in a relationship with one of those upstairs douches, as you so coarsely refer to them.
U-uh Besides, who would want to directly compete with someone they are in a relationship with? It's a lose/lose.
You could just say "no.
" Oh, hey, Lindsay.
Did you, uh, get my text? (Chuckles) Yes, I am 12 pages in, and it's still downloading.
The second half is even better.
How could you possibly have anything more to say? You talked at me nonstop for four hours.
Look, your book does sound incredible.
Uh, but this was a bad idea.
I'm sorry.
Aww, you okay? Let's crush those upstairs douches.
(Cheers and applause) Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin! Kevin! Mr.
Moyer! Mr.
Moyer! (Grunts) Game! Mr.
Wen! They call him the bus driver because he just took you to school! Ahh! Thataboy! Great job.
By the way, I was looking at the fee structure, and I feel like there's a real opportunity (whistles) Head in the game, kev-o.
Head in the game.
Who wants us next, baby? (Hip-hop music plays) Hey, guys.
Actually, let's walk faster.
I think they're waiting for us.
I can't walk much faster in these shorts.
Why would you wear those? It's from the last time I played.
Seventh-grade uniform, and it still fits.
Okay, first, you look adorable.
Second, if I'm playing against you, I'm not gonna show you any mercy.
First, you look super cute, too.
Thank you.
Second, bring it on, bitch.
Well, look who came to watch me play.
Actually, I came here to work because the stench of sweaty men and gym socks smells like cinnabon compared to my desk right now.
All right.
Who wants to shoot for outs? I'll do it.
All right.
Our ball.
That's impressive.
You're damn right.
I almost got a college scholarship.
Well, I'm not surprised.
You remind me of a a young Lisa Leslie.
That's her name! You are going down.
Uh, your nuts.
Yeah.
Damn right.
I'm crazy.
No, bearded one.
I can see your testicles.
All right, all right.
Let's do this, suckers.
Come on.
I really want to kiss you right now.
Not going to.
Not going to.
No.
Absolutely do not.
Pass! Pass! Pass! Thataboy! Wait a minute! Wai ah, time-out! Time-out! What?! There's no time-outs in three-on-three.
(High-pitched voice) What? There's also no whining.
(Normal voice) Okay, you guys.
We need a strategy.
Derrick, what can you do? I can fall down.
Okay.
Great.
Draw some fouls.
Harvard, what do you got? Unbridled rage.
And right now, this wedgie is feeding it.
Awesome.
Use that.
What are we gonna do about groot? I'll take care of him.
Hey! Mr.
Mansfield! I'm kind of surprised you feel okay about having to cheat to win.
I beg your pardon?! Okay.
Time-out.
What are you doing? I do the paperwork for the temps, I just think it's kind of interesting that you hired someone to do data entry that used to be an nba player.
Hey! I minored in business.
By the way, your bond exposure is dangerously kev, no one cares.
Ride the pine.
Mr.
wen, you're in.
Uh I don't know how to play.
What?! You told Mansfield you were great.
I said I was great at b-ball.
The "b" stands for boccie, and I'm just okay.
(Whistles) Mr.
Moyer! Bring it in.
Look for me down low.
Pick it up.
Mm-hmm.
(Cheers and applause) Yeah! Ow! That was a foul! Foul?! What are you talking about? There's no fouls in my game.
Jenny, go ahead and order an ambulance for a one Mr.
Mansfield.
Oh, I will man-slap your beard all the way back to the mountain that spawned you.
Oh, you are Made out of cement.
Excuse me.
Whoo! Threepeat, insult for milady? It must not be Sunday, 'cause the bank is open! Oh, my God.
(Squealing) (Gasps) (Groans) Jumanji! (Laughs) Get out of here! Ohh, God, man! Who's that guy guarding Mr.
Mansfield? 'Cause he's kind of a maniac.
I know, right? He is wearing those shorts.
I'm not open.
I'm not open.
Foul! Threepeat, smack.
Your girl must love kfc, 'cause she just got a bucket.
We're on the same team, man.
My bad, dude.
Mr.
Moyer! Here! I'm open! Like hell you are! Yes, 10-all.
Next point wins.
All right.
Ball in.
No check.
Let's do this.
I'm not gonna let you score.
Well, you're not gonna be able to stop me, okay? This is the move that made me famous.
Oh, yeah! In your knee.
What in the hell are you doing, Moyer?! That's your girlfriend.
Hey, great game out there.
Well, I didn't invent it.
I, uh, just perfected it.
Hold up.
Okay.
You know how they say there's a lot of fish in the sea? Well, that's not true for you, okay? You're a lone jellyfish in a weird-ass pond.
Luckily for you, another jellyfish stumbled in there.
Do not ignore that jellyfish.
Okay, first of all, jellyfish aren't real fish.
And the idea that they would be found in freshwater is comical.
(Laughs) Yeah.
See, now talk that crazy shit with each other.
So, you liked watching me play out there? Yeah.
You showed a lot of balls.
Sorry about that.
No, I mean that you're fearless.
I literally get farted on all day, and I could never stand up for myself like that.
You just have to act like you don't care what people think.
How do you do that? Well, I don't care what people think.
I mean Except for you.
(Chuckles) Okay, maybe we could go out again, but you have to promise to let me get a word in.
Okay.
I know what you mean.
There's this guy in my society for creative anachronism group.
He dresses like Ben Franklin, but he wears a digital watch.
And the whole time, he's claiming that he discovered mm-mm-mm-mm.
electricity.
Got some more ice.
Again, I'm so sorry I took that shot.
I had no idea you were hurt.
That's fine, babe.
I would have done the same thing.
In fact, if you'd help me up right now, I'd love to kick your ass in one-on-one.
What is wrong with you? I don't know.
I don't know.
I guess basketball just, like, brings up a lot of stuff for me, you know? Hmm.
I was so close to going to college.
I was so close.
I guess it just bothers me more than I'd like to admit.
Well, you can still go to college.
On a ground-floor salary? Babe, there's no way I could pay off that loan.
Yeah, not to mention the interest.
Well, I mean, I'm interested.
I just (Sighs) I just don't think it's in the cards right now.
If it's any consolation, college wasn't that great.
It was amazing, wasn't it? Best time of my life.
Fair Harvard, we thrive Baby, that's hurting my knee.
That's hurting my knee.
What? The vibrato? Yeah.
Hey, Mr.
Mansfield.
You wanted to see me? Ah, miss Miller.
Please, won't you come join me? Oh, wow.
I've never been up here before.
This is awesome.
Oh, look.
You'd have a great view of the Golden Gate Bridge if you could just move that building.
Don't think I haven't tried.
Would you have a seat? You, uh you played one hell of a basketball game yesterday.
You know, in a way, we're all winners just for participating.
But in a much realer way, you lost and I won.
(Both chuckle) I wanted to give you this check.
Oh, my God! Is this for second place? Why would you get a prize for losing? No, I-I want you to think of that as a, uh as a basketball scholarship.
So if you want to take classes at any of the local colleges, on your time, not mine, well, then I would be more than glad to pay for it.
Oh, my God.
Sir, I I really can't believe how nice that is.
No.
There will be no tears on my balcony.
I'm sorry, sir.
It's just that, you know, I had a dad and I had three stepdads, but I never had a real father.
(Crying) Oh, you didn't have to go there.
I'm telling you, with these boxer briefs, I got a full range of motion.
Hey.
Did you say something to Mansfield? I have said many things to Mansfield.
Yeah.
So lucky I don't have a girlfriend.