Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2000) s02e06 Episode Script
Back To The Present
1 That feels good! Hard day at the button, dear? Oh, brutal.
Brutal! l had to push the button on and off 5 times! That Spacely is a slave driver.
What the--? Water level rising.
Water level rising.
All buildings elevate to zone 4.
l can't swim! l never could! Level still rising.
We can't go any higher! What do you mean it won't go any higher?! You don't know what you're doing, you ass! The mutants! Woman! Who is the man in the suit? Who is the cat with the beak? Do you really want to feel him? Harvey attorney Habeas corpus Marvey attorney Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law All right, see, this one's actually very well-balanced.
See how quick-- l can do it quick, too.
Look out! Come on in! Let's see here The transportation belt, it's broken! Well, how will we get there, George? Oh, do we have to walk? - Come on! - Ouch! We can make it.
Are we there yet? Hang in there, everybody! We can do this! Dad, can we rest? No! Have to keep moving! Gets too cold at nightfall! Hey, Birdman! Get that thing l sent ya? Yeah, sure did.
Right here.
Just checkin'! You're one thorough hippo! Yes, sir! All righty, then.
Well, gotta run.
See y'all tomorrow.
George! We have to stop! Astro, he--he's fallen behind! Aw, rit's roray! Ro ron rithout me! Ro rold.
Look away, son.
Look away.
Oh, help, please! Oh, please! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ouch.
Please, make yourselves at home! Ooh, Sansabelt.
You don't see that much anymore.
You guys from Florida? No.
We're from the future.
Yeah, the 21st Century.
The magnificent far-off year of 2002! Really? Yes, talking-ape man! We are from a society much advanced over your own! A society driven by sprockets! A technological marvel that gives us items such as this! Who's feeling Pea-nutty? So, need something notarized? Nah, we came back to sue you all for completely ruining the planet.
Well, now, l'm not so sure you can say without a doubt that we're actually ruin-- What is that? That's what you get when you genetically modify corn a little too much.
l'll take the case! Great! Here's all the environmental information you'll need right here.
- What are these? - Punch cards.
ln the future, that's how we input data into machines we call ''computers.
'' Look out! You wanted to see me? They're trying to get me, Birdman! Who are? The Grays! l'm sorry, what? They've come to anally probe me! Third kind.
Help me tear this.
Phil, what makes you think that-- That's just corn.
Yeah, see? l go to work 3 hours a day and push a button while my wife stays home and does all the housework in an apron.
That is advanced.
And the way we get meals is we just press a couple of buttons, and bam! lt's done just like that! Amazing.
Excuse me.
OK, so, l want to know-- what happens? Will there be a cure for cancer? When am l going to die? Did video ever definitively kill the radio star? What are tonight's ''Big Pick'' numbers? Those are things even a simple schoolchild knows.
Elroy? 5-19-23-4.
But couldn't you, by being here and changing the tiniest little thing alter the course of the entire future? Come on! l got that thing He sent me You don't happen to also have the Quick Pick numbers in there? lt's people! The Mediterranean wrap is people! No, wait.
Maybe it's baba ganoush.
Sorry.
What is that? That? That's the jury.
l don't think so.
Much better.
OK! Let's start with-- Mr.
Birdman.
l'm sorry, what? You're gonna call Mr.
Birdman first.
No! Stop! Too cute! Pocket Nostradamus here thinks he knows the future.
Huh? lnteresting! Because, see, no one knows the future except me! Mentok! The Mind-taker! And to prove it, l say we start with Mr.
Fr-- Mr.
F-- Mr.
F-- Mr.
-- l mustresist Mr.
Fr--r-r-- Mr.
-- Almost there! Mr.
Free-- Mr.
Frizz--- Mr.
Frizz-- OK, it's Mr.
Birdman.
Mind-taker.
Planet Earth.
Have you stopped to consider its awe-inspiring beauty? The trees.
The rivers.
The mountains.
The lingerie models.
Didn't see that coming, did ya? Huh? Smartie.
Are we killing this beauty? Some would say not.
But l have here in my hand from the future videotaped evidence of where this planet is headed! Does anyone know where we can get a Betamax machine? Huh? Here we go.
No! No! Snackerdooble? Tell me, Mr.
Astro in the future, where you're from is it hot or not? Uh, rot.
There you have it.
Not! Ro! Rot! Rot! ''No, not, not'' A thousand times not.
Nothing further.
Go! Stay in your lane.
Mind the lines.
Hands at 10 and 2.
Are you going to make a left turn or spend all afternoon indicating? You think we're ruining the planet? - Yes, Birdman, l think we-- - Move it! Back off! Shrink gun! Your Excursion will be Expedition-sized! The key, Birdman, are the 3 Rs.
''Reduce'' l forget the other ones.
Anyway, you're fine.
You're solar-powered.
Oh, you know how pathetic it is to be solar-powered? All the other guys got their strength from real stuff.
You know, radiation, chemical spill, coal-- Who got their power from coal? l don't know.
What effect can one person possibly have on the environment? How was your panda burger? Pretty good.
l say we find the insensitive, shortsighted self-absorbed people who are ruining this planet and hold them accountable! So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury we are asking for 3,000 krizneks? ln damages.
Ladies and gentlemen of the Jury-Vac lt's, what, August? And l don't know about you, but, ooh, l'm freezing! Come on, what are we talking about here, ''global warming?'' OK, do you have a verdict? lt never gives a wrong verdict.
O.
J.
is-- Nice shoes.
Well, l'm sorry we didn't win.
Not only for your sake, but for the sake of the aimless and painfully unfocused Democratic Party.
Aw, that's OK, Great-great-great-great-great great-great-great-great-great- great-granddad! What? You mean, l'm your That means, at some point in the future l actually get to have sex with a woman! No, there's other ways.
Me so horny! All right, let's get this over with.
Oh.
So sorry.
l didn't know there was someone else.
You hussy! You cheating cob! Well, l guess we better get back to the future! Whoa! Ah, now that they're gone l wonder what profound, immeasurable effects their coming back in time will have.
Come on!
Brutal! l had to push the button on and off 5 times! That Spacely is a slave driver.
What the--? Water level rising.
Water level rising.
All buildings elevate to zone 4.
l can't swim! l never could! Level still rising.
We can't go any higher! What do you mean it won't go any higher?! You don't know what you're doing, you ass! The mutants! Woman! Who is the man in the suit? Who is the cat with the beak? Do you really want to feel him? Harvey attorney Habeas corpus Marvey attorney Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law All right, see, this one's actually very well-balanced.
See how quick-- l can do it quick, too.
Look out! Come on in! Let's see here The transportation belt, it's broken! Well, how will we get there, George? Oh, do we have to walk? - Come on! - Ouch! We can make it.
Are we there yet? Hang in there, everybody! We can do this! Dad, can we rest? No! Have to keep moving! Gets too cold at nightfall! Hey, Birdman! Get that thing l sent ya? Yeah, sure did.
Right here.
Just checkin'! You're one thorough hippo! Yes, sir! All righty, then.
Well, gotta run.
See y'all tomorrow.
George! We have to stop! Astro, he--he's fallen behind! Aw, rit's roray! Ro ron rithout me! Ro rold.
Look away, son.
Look away.
Oh, help, please! Oh, please! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ouch.
Please, make yourselves at home! Ooh, Sansabelt.
You don't see that much anymore.
You guys from Florida? No.
We're from the future.
Yeah, the 21st Century.
The magnificent far-off year of 2002! Really? Yes, talking-ape man! We are from a society much advanced over your own! A society driven by sprockets! A technological marvel that gives us items such as this! Who's feeling Pea-nutty? So, need something notarized? Nah, we came back to sue you all for completely ruining the planet.
Well, now, l'm not so sure you can say without a doubt that we're actually ruin-- What is that? That's what you get when you genetically modify corn a little too much.
l'll take the case! Great! Here's all the environmental information you'll need right here.
- What are these? - Punch cards.
ln the future, that's how we input data into machines we call ''computers.
'' Look out! You wanted to see me? They're trying to get me, Birdman! Who are? The Grays! l'm sorry, what? They've come to anally probe me! Third kind.
Help me tear this.
Phil, what makes you think that-- That's just corn.
Yeah, see? l go to work 3 hours a day and push a button while my wife stays home and does all the housework in an apron.
That is advanced.
And the way we get meals is we just press a couple of buttons, and bam! lt's done just like that! Amazing.
Excuse me.
OK, so, l want to know-- what happens? Will there be a cure for cancer? When am l going to die? Did video ever definitively kill the radio star? What are tonight's ''Big Pick'' numbers? Those are things even a simple schoolchild knows.
Elroy? 5-19-23-4.
But couldn't you, by being here and changing the tiniest little thing alter the course of the entire future? Come on! l got that thing He sent me You don't happen to also have the Quick Pick numbers in there? lt's people! The Mediterranean wrap is people! No, wait.
Maybe it's baba ganoush.
Sorry.
What is that? That? That's the jury.
l don't think so.
Much better.
OK! Let's start with-- Mr.
Birdman.
l'm sorry, what? You're gonna call Mr.
Birdman first.
No! Stop! Too cute! Pocket Nostradamus here thinks he knows the future.
Huh? lnteresting! Because, see, no one knows the future except me! Mentok! The Mind-taker! And to prove it, l say we start with Mr.
Fr-- Mr.
F-- Mr.
F-- Mr.
-- l mustresist Mr.
Fr--r-r-- Mr.
-- Almost there! Mr.
Free-- Mr.
Frizz--- Mr.
Frizz-- OK, it's Mr.
Birdman.
Mind-taker.
Planet Earth.
Have you stopped to consider its awe-inspiring beauty? The trees.
The rivers.
The mountains.
The lingerie models.
Didn't see that coming, did ya? Huh? Smartie.
Are we killing this beauty? Some would say not.
But l have here in my hand from the future videotaped evidence of where this planet is headed! Does anyone know where we can get a Betamax machine? Huh? Here we go.
No! No! Snackerdooble? Tell me, Mr.
Astro in the future, where you're from is it hot or not? Uh, rot.
There you have it.
Not! Ro! Rot! Rot! ''No, not, not'' A thousand times not.
Nothing further.
Go! Stay in your lane.
Mind the lines.
Hands at 10 and 2.
Are you going to make a left turn or spend all afternoon indicating? You think we're ruining the planet? - Yes, Birdman, l think we-- - Move it! Back off! Shrink gun! Your Excursion will be Expedition-sized! The key, Birdman, are the 3 Rs.
''Reduce'' l forget the other ones.
Anyway, you're fine.
You're solar-powered.
Oh, you know how pathetic it is to be solar-powered? All the other guys got their strength from real stuff.
You know, radiation, chemical spill, coal-- Who got their power from coal? l don't know.
What effect can one person possibly have on the environment? How was your panda burger? Pretty good.
l say we find the insensitive, shortsighted self-absorbed people who are ruining this planet and hold them accountable! So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury we are asking for 3,000 krizneks? ln damages.
Ladies and gentlemen of the Jury-Vac lt's, what, August? And l don't know about you, but, ooh, l'm freezing! Come on, what are we talking about here, ''global warming?'' OK, do you have a verdict? lt never gives a wrong verdict.
O.
J.
is-- Nice shoes.
Well, l'm sorry we didn't win.
Not only for your sake, but for the sake of the aimless and painfully unfocused Democratic Party.
Aw, that's OK, Great-great-great-great-great great-great-great-great-great- great-granddad! What? You mean, l'm your That means, at some point in the future l actually get to have sex with a woman! No, there's other ways.
Me so horny! All right, let's get this over with.
Oh.
So sorry.
l didn't know there was someone else.
You hussy! You cheating cob! Well, l guess we better get back to the future! Whoa! Ah, now that they're gone l wonder what profound, immeasurable effects their coming back in time will have.
Come on!