Hogan's Heroes (1965) s02e06 Episode Script

ANNOUNCER: CBS presents this program in color.
( theme song playing ) You look authentic enough to get a punch in the mouth.
Oh, charming.
Thanks a lot.
How about Carter? ( German accent ): Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Another doll.
Heil Hilter.
Heil Hitler.
May I ask what you're doing? Uh, just warming up my Nazi arm.
This is an important mission.
This guy Becker's been in the underground a long time.
He's got enough information to get us all shot.
Right.
London wants us to spring him before the Gestapo can work him over.
Yeah, if they get on to us, we'll be worked over.
Not scared, are you? Plenty.
Yeah, I'm a natural coward.
I was born that way.
All right, all clear outside the wire.
Down periscope.
Question, sir.
What happens if the Gestapo won't turn over Becker to us? Back off.
No shooting.
We don't want the Germans to know we're trying to get Becker out.
Then they will tighten security.
HOGAN: Right.
Kinch, what about the car? I borrowed it from the motor pool.
It's parked on the Hammelburg Road.
Okay.
Let's go.
Now, remember, don't drive it any more than necessary.
Yes, sir.
Well, we hadn't planned on taking a trip, sir, but why not? Because we're paying the Kraut sergeant in the motor pool ten cents a mile.
CARTER: Authorization to remove the prisoner Becker.
You may stand at ease, Speketoff.
Jawohl, Captain.
Danke.
Well this seems to be in order.
Of course it is.
He's supposed to be brought to our car at once.
No, no, no, no.
I'm afraid that is impossible.
I have instructions to release the prisoner Becker only on the written personal orders of Reich's Fuhrer Muller.
Are you aware of whose signature is on these orders? Well, I read it.
It's signed by Colonel Hoganmeyer, Section Three.
Well? Well, I can do nothing for you.
Becker is a very special case.
As a matter of fact, we are going to transfer him to the hotel in town for better security.
We cannot return to Berlin without him.
Well, perhaps I could help you if I called and explained the situation to your colonel.
Now, what's the number? You're going to call Colonel Hoganmeyer? He's going to call Colonel Hoganmeyer.
( laughs ) ( laughs ) ( laughing ) What's the matter? The last man who called Colonel Hoganmeyer after hours is now a straw man somewhere in Russia.
( both laugh ) ( laughing ) Oh.
Well, let's avoid that.
Yes, it is better if we return to Berlin and, uh, let our colonel call your Reich Fuhrer Muller.
Good idea.
I always say, "When in doubt, let the big boys fight it out amongst themselves.
" I always say that.
( normal voice ): I really do.
( German accent ): Heil Hilter.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Uh, by the way, uh Exactly who is this Colonel Hoganmeyer? Who is C? He wants to know who is Colonel Hoganmeyer.
( laughing ) This must be a new man.
BOTH: Heil Hitler! Imagine Hoganmeyer's face when Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler! Come along.
Just got this in from London, Colonel.
Thanks, Kinch.
"Don't understand failure of Becker rescue.
"Orders are try again.
Will not accept second failure.
" Yeah.
How do you like that? How about those guys? We risk the firing squad, and they get nasty.
What do they think this is, a Boy Scout jamboree? I mean, don't they realize we're in a P.
O.
W.
camp? That's right.
Here I am, sewing my fingers to the bone.
Yeah, well, don't sew 'em on my shirt.
It' not very fair of them in London.
I mean, it's just not very fair.
Fair, schmair.
We have to get Becker out of there.
What happens if we fail again? What can they do, draft us? Guten Tag, gentlemen.
Heil Hitler! Heil Hitler! What's the matter with him? Sorry.
Once I learn something, I learn it.
What's on your mind, Schultz, besides apple strudel? I have orders from Commandant Klink-- our beloved commandant, if you will excuse the expression.
All right, what's on his mind? There's a new general in command of the military district.
Tomorrow, he will be here for inspection.
I can hardly wait.
The orders for the prisoners are to clean up the barracks HEROES/SCHULTZ: "Clean up the compounds, and clean up yourselves!" All right, look, Schultz, we're not here to stand inspections of every Kraut general in the army, you know.
( Heroes agreeing ) Wait a minute, wait a minute! What do you think how I feel about it? Do you think it is fun for me? I have to be on my feet all day long, and I carry much more than you do.
This is not exactly whipped cream.
That's how it started.
Oh, jolly joke.
Now, you have your orders! No wonder we cannot win a war.
All we do is inspect each other.
Don't forget, Schultz HEROES: "Clean up the barracks, clean up the compound, clean up yourselves!" SCHULTZ: Achtung! Colonel Franz, welcome to Stalag 13.
General Kammler, this is the camp commandant, Colonel Wilhelm Klink.
General Kammler, it is an honor and a privilege to have you here at Stalag 13.
We welcome the opportunity to offer you our simple but sincere hospitality.
Put your cap on straight.
I'll put my cap on straight.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
In my command, only active combat officers may wear their caps at an angle.
Yes, sir, I agree with you completely.
Only active combat officers.
Perhaps you would like a little refreshment? If you'll kindly step this way, please.
( chuckles ) General, what is it? Are my eyes deceiving me? Oh, no, it couldn't be.
That drill sergeant standing over there.
KLINK: You mean Schultz? It is! Hans! Can it be? Ach du liebe! Lieutenant Kammler! Oh, my old comrade.
Oh! Oh, how good to see you.
Oh, Lieutenant! Oh, you are a general.
Oh, yes, yes, and you are a sergeant.
Well, Germany makes lots of mistakes.
No mistake.
You were always a very bright boy.
We fought together in the first war in the Ardennes and at Liège.
I was just a young lieutenant.
I didn't know anything at all.
Schultz saved my life.
It was a pleasure, Herr General.
Charming.
Yes, charming.
Nice to see two old monsters get together.
And here we are, Hans-- two German soldiers fighting another war.
Keeps us out of trouble.
Oh, you look well but you've taken on a little weight.
( chuckles ) You know how it is.
I got older, but the Wiener schnitzel gets younger.
What are you doing in this rat hole? Are you happy? Shall I arrange a little transfer perhaps? Danke, Herr General, but it's not such a bad rat hole.
KAMMLER: Better than the Eastern front, huh? Klink! Yes, sir? As you can see, I have a very great personal interest in Sergeant Schultz.
Oh, he's one of our very good men, sir.
From now on, he is your best man.
He's my best man.
Yes, sir.
KAMMLER: I want regular reports of his progress sent to me in Berlin.
He's to have every consideration within the limits of military discipline.
Understood? Understood, sir.
Good.
Oh, Hans.
( laughs ) Now, that's a surprise.
( groans ) Imagine a man like Kammler showing such affection for that big tub of lard.
Kammler is one of the most powerful generals we have-- a personal favorite of the Fuhrer himself.
Oh, I had no idea, sir.
Take my advice and do as he says, or that big tub of lard is going to be in command of this camp, and you're going to be known as Sergeant Klink.
( chuckling ) Colonel Hogan, may I ask what's so funny? It has a good sound to it: Sergeant Klink.
( chuckling ) I'm sorry, sir.
Bad taste.
Herr Kommandant, Sergeant Schultz reporting as ordered.
Herr Kommandant, I'm terribly sorry that the prisoners didn't make a better showing for General Kammler.
I told them to clean up, but they wouldn't listen to me.
Of course, it is my responsibility, and At ease, at ease, at ease.
Relax.
Yes.
You're not angry? No, of course not.
We all have our bad days.
Tell me, how are things going with you, Hans? What's the matter? I thought you called me Hans.
I must have heard wrong.
No, no, no, I did.
I did call you by your first name, just like our good friend General Kammler.
Our good friend? Well, you know what I mean.
Here, Hans, sit down, sit down.
Please.
Now, tell me, how are you getting along? Is there anything you need? You're asking me if I need anything? Yes.
As your colonel, I am here to serve.
Sir, uh do you feel all right? Of course! You see, Schultz, I am one of those officers who recognizes that the army could not function without a sergeant like you.
It couldn't? Oh, no.
But, of course, a sergeant functions best with an intelligent and humane commanding officer.
Who is that? ( chuckles ) I like an under-officer with a sense of humor.
Schultz, what I'm trying to say is that you and I make a good team.
We do.
Yes, we do.
And teamwork is Oh, please.
( chuckles ): Teamwork is everything.
Remember we were the men that took Poland in 23 days.
I was at home with my wife.
( chuckles ): It's just a figure of speech.
As a matter of fact, I was in Berlin at that time myself.
But in our spirit, we marched across Europe.
Now, in the future, I think we should become even more of a team.
So from now on, if you have any problems, I want you to bring them to me.
( clicks heels ) Danke.
Dismissed.
( clicks heels ) Oh, Schultz, wait.
"Dismissed" seems such a harsh word.
Let us rather say, uh, auf Wiedersehen.
( mimics Klink's jolly tone ): Auf Wiedersehen.
Schultz Would you care for a cigar? Ja.
But you wouldn't slam the cover on my fingers like the last time? I promise, I promise.
Attention! Chest out! Stomach in! It's a good thing that your uniform was in order.
Otherwise, I would have to report you, and believe me, I would do it if necessary.
As you know, the army cannot function without sergeants like me.
Of course, I try to be very humane.
If you have any personal problems, please, tell them to me.
Chest out! Stomach in! Chin up! All right, this is it.
You know what to do.
Oui, Colonel.
We'll give it a good try, sir.
I just hope those Krauts up in the towers don't get their wind up and start shooting.
Be over before they know what happened.
Schultz is in the right spot.
Let's go.
All right.
SCHULTZ: One, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three Hey, LeBeau, give us a cigarette? I have no cigarettes for you.
Leave me alone.
What's the matter with you? All I did was ask.
You're always asking for things! Well, I give you plenty of things, don't I? I've had it with you, and I've had it with this place! I can't stand it anymore! I don't care what they do to me.
I'm going home now! Take it easy, mon ami.
Take it easy.
Get your hands off me! I've had it! Open the gates! I'm going home now! ( yelling ) Please let me go home, Schultz.
Please let me go home.
I want to go home.
I can't stand it anymore here.
Please They waltz together beautifully.
Please, Schultz.
Schultzy, please.
You know how.
Please let me go home.
I can't stand it anymore.
I want to get out of here.
If it hadn't been for Sergeant Schultz, who knows what might've happened? Thank you for stopping the prisoner.
He ran into me.
He's so modest.
How could he miss me? You don't realize that you're a hero.
Me a hero? That's ridiculous.
Yes, I wouldn't go that far.
Of course you wouldn't, but if that man had reached the gates, your guards might have opened fire.
Could've been panic among the prisoners.
Maybe I am a hero.
I want you to make an official report of this incident at once! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Dismissed! What happened to auf Wiedersehen? I said dismissed.
I wasn't a hero very long.
Hogan, in the future, would you let me deal with my own men in my own way? Sorry, sir.
And I will not have you give Sergeant Schultz a false impression of his own importance.
You're absolutely right.
Any commendation should come from General Kammler.
Yes, and in the future, I What has General Kammler to do with this? It's a cinch he's going to hear about this.
He'll want to reward his old buddy.
Over my head? I'm the commanding officer here.
What's wrong with me? Sir, I'm not exactly a psychiatrist, but I'd say General Kammler would never do a thing like that to me.
Yes, he would.
Why don't you beat the general to it and give the award yourself? For stopping an escape? That's his job.
You're absolutely right.
Forget it.
And if General Kammler-- as big as he is, the Fuhrer's personal favorite-- thinks he can come to Stalag 13 and run this camp and dictate your actions, he's got another guess coming.
Exactly.
What's the reward? A medal for heroism and a raise in grade.
A medal for heroism and a raise in grade.
Invite the general to come here to present the award himself.
Invite the general to come here and present the award himself.
With a nice party at the hotel in town.
With a nice party in the hotel in town.
Oh, that's an excellent idea.
I shall get in touch with Colonel Franz's aide at once.
Oh, Hogan, I'm so glad I thought of it.
So am I.
How do you explain that, Colonel? There's a shortage of everything in Germany today, including waiters.
I go along 'cause I'm responsible for you.
Very nice, indeed.
All right, now, listen.
According to the underground, the Krauts are holding Becker in one of these rooms here.
LeBEAU: And the place is lousy with guards.
HOGAN: Right.
There's one here at the stairway, one patrolling the corridor upstairs here.
Now, Kinch, you'll be outside here.
As soon as we snatch Becker, get him started to the coast by the usual route.
Right, Colonel.
Carter, what about you? Oh, the smoke bombs are all set, and they're beauties.
Now, you take your average, basic smoke bomb All right, Carter.
Fellows, let's make this the nicest party the Germans have ever had.
( band playing ) Oh, would you care for a drink, Herr General? I never use alcohol for anything but medicinal purposes.
Medicinal, yeah.
I don't feel so good.
Feel better now, Schultz? Ugh.
Tastes terrible, but-but what do you expect from medicine? Cigarette? KLINK: Attention, please.
May I have your attention, please? Gentlemen and ladies ( chuckles ): we are here tonight for a very special ceremony.
I have the great honor to present to you one of the leading military minds of the Third Reich, General Kammler.
Thank you.
As, uh, the colonel has indicated, we are gathered here for a very special purpose: to honor a man who has been my friend for more than 20 years.
He served the Fatherland in two wars, risking his life on more than one occasion.
In fact, we are gathered here tonight to acknowledge his most recent act of heroism.
At great personal risk, he stopped what could have been a mass escape of prisoners from Stalag 13.
The medal, please.
Sergeant Schultz.
Go ahead, Schultz.
Sergeant Hans Schultz, it is now my great privilege to award you the Iron Cross Fourth Grade.
Hey, Colonel, the lights.
Somebody turn on the lights, please.
MAN 1: I don't know! MAN 2: What's the matter? MAN 3: What happened? There's a fire over by the drapes.
Fire! Fire! Over here! The whole place is going up! The drape's on fire.
Men, put that out quickly at once, hurry! ( all yelling ) MAN: There's a fire right here.
Water.
Water! Get the water carriers, quickly.
Put that fire out here, Colonel.
Put that fire out here, Colonel.
fire over here, Colonel.
Somebody get the fire bucket! Halt! There's a terrible fire downstairs.
The hotel is going up! It is terrible, the smoke Very nice, indeed.
Thank you, sir.
Practice.
Becker? Becker? Becker? Danke.
Here.
Danke.
Danke! Danke.
CARTER: Danke.
MAN: Danke.
Water! Water! Right now! Lots of water! I said I want some wa Thank you.
( snarls ) That's it! More water by the drapes.
Ah, I told you it'd be a nice party.
Wait here.
Come on, Sch KLINK: Oh, now we're getting it.
( grunting ) KLINK: Good! Everything is under control.
( knocking ) Hold it, hold it.
Ah, at last! It's about time.
Herr Colonel! Our prisoner has been kidnapped by the underground.
The fire.
It must have been a diversion.
Yes, a diversion, a diversion.
Brilliant deduction.
And where are the men from Stalag 13? Gone! No one has ever escaped from Stalag 13.
Klink, you fool, this is all your fault for holding these ceremonies in a public place and bringing prisoners of war here.
You are relieved of your command on neglect of duty.
But I've done nothing, sir.
Exactly.
Colonel? Hogan.
LeBEAU: Don't shoot! Don't shoot! Don't shoot! Schultz.
NEWKIRK: Schultz.
Who's shooting? He's too tough.
We give up.
We never had a chance-- not with him around.
Captured the prisoners.
Good work, Sergeant.
Yes, good work, Sergeant.
Well, never fear while Sergeant Schultz is here.
Hans, you really are a hero.
You know something? ( chuckles ): I'm beginning to believe it myself.
( snarls ) Yes, Herr Colonel, I understand.
Yes? What a pity.
Thank you, sir.
Yes, Heil Hitler.
Good news, Colonel? Yes.
Our friend General Kammler has been transferred to the Eastern front.
Well, we all got to go sometime.
Gentlemen Ooh my feet are killing me.
Schultz, no.
What do you mean, no? They are my feet.
Valuable man like me should not be walking a post.
Sergeant Schultz, what exactly did you have in mind? An office of my own where the men can report to me.
Schultz, please.
Stay out of this, Hogan.
Sometimes you forget you're a prisoner.
And a colonel, like me.
( chuckles ): War is crazy.
How is your paperwork getting along? Any little problem I could help you with? Ow! Schultz, your friend and protector, General Kammler, has been sent to the Eastern front.
Sergeant Schultz reporting for duty, sir! I did not order you to report.
Yes, sir! ( softly ): Why didn't you tell me? KLINK: Silence, Schultz! You're dismissed.
Schultz you can always write to General Kammler.
He's still a very big man in Berlin.
Yes, he's still a very big Wait a minute, Schultz.
Perhaps the word "dismissed" is a little harsh.
Sir, I understand.
Auf Wiedersehen.
BOTH: Auf Wiedersehen.