Hot In Cleveland s02e06 Episode Script

Previously on Hot in Cleveland But this is my first trip to L.
A.
, and this is Robert Redford's favorite restaurant.
Please! You seriously expect me to believe you have an evil twin? A dim figure hovers above you.
You wake up horrified and realize I have to go.
Maybe we can talk some more later? You can count on it.
Oh, Elka, I think I blew the sale! Who cares? I found out where Robert Redford is.
Hide me.
I think I killed Susan Lucci.
I'm scared.
We shouldn't be doing this.
Stop whining, there's nothing to be afraid of.
Hey, dead guy.
Is this the Robert Redford movie? I wish, lady.
Try Stage 19.
Oh, excuse us, so sorry, but I love these crime show dramas.
Hey, check out my David Caruso.
It looks like these crashers have wrecked the scene.
Oh, wait, wait.
I got another one, I got another one.
Let me see it looks like this set has met its match.
What is wrong with you? It's The Who.
It's the theme song to CSI Miami.
Sorry about my friend.
She's Lost her mind.
Morning, Ms.
Lucci.
How are you feeling? Oh, much better, thank you.
Oh, the newspapers are filled with stories about that crazy Victoria Chase attacking you.
And the tabloids are claiming you're dead.
Well, if I am, I'm in heaven.
They used that hideous old photo of Victoria's thighs in a bathing suit.
Cottage cheese? Large curd.
Oh, thank you, no.
I'm too happy to eat.
Oh, Ms.
Chase has been waiting outside all morning to see you.
She's very upset about the accident.
You didn't tell her I was all right, did you? Oh, no, no! We told her the same thing we told the press: "We're not releasing any information "about Ms.
Lucci's condition at this time.
" Good.
All right, then.
Please, send her in.
But first, just for fun Let's pretend I'm in a coma.
A coma? Yes, Victoria and I just adore playing little tricks on each other.
I sent her birth certificate to Wikileaks and she heckled my speech during the Tourette's benefit luckily, nobody noticed.
Trust me, she'll love it.
This is so exciting! No one does a coma better than you! You're sweet.
This is horrible.
They don't mention my new boyfriend Michael Knight at all.
Just "fellow cast members are praying for a miracle.
" Can we please focus on the real tragedy here? This pattern on my thighs is not cellulite! Clearly I'd just gotten up from a wicker chair.
Shouldn't you be a little more concerned about Susan? Oh, she's just faking for attention.
I mean, if she were really hurt, there'd be a million cameras outside the hospital which I dressed for.
My new boyfriend Michael Knight, was so grief-stricken last night about Susan, he asked me to leave right after we had sex.
He didn't want me to see him cry.
So sensitive! And he's much better in bed than his brother was.
Although when they say "identical twins," trust me, they're not kidding.
Ms.
Chase? Yes, nurse, is there any news? Or any news crews? I'm afraid Ms.
Lucci's still in a coma.
A coma? Yay! Oh, no, not "yay!" About Susan, obviously that's tragic.
My new boyfriend Michael Knight just texted that he wants to take me to dinner in Malibu in his brand new Ferrari! Which of course doesn't make this moment any less poignant.
A coma? Really? Oh, my God! We're having Sushi at Nobu! Could I possibly see her? Okay, but just for a moment.
Right.
FYI, your new boyfriend Michael Knight slept with my best friend, made her all these promises, and never called.
What? Oh, no, wait! Is she sure it was Michael? Because his twin brother Alex pulled exactly the same trick on me once.
His twin brother Alex? Seriously? Oh, you don't watch the show, do you? Oh, not every day.
Why? Michael's character had an evil twin brother Alex who impersonated him.
What? Susan I know you can't speak, but I pray you can hear me.
Seeing you in this miserable state, I can't help it oh, what am I doing? Am I really so shallow that I can only quote words written by people not pretty enough to be in front of the camera? All right, the truth is, seeing you here in this heartbreaking, yet, oddly well-groomed, state I'm honestly sorry for well, for so many things.
For the venomous digs and the backhanded compliments.
For resenting your successes and reveling in your defeats.
For rubbing that strawberry on your prop kleenex so that your perfect little face would blow up like a beach ball oh God, I have been such a fool.
Why did we always let petty jealousy blind us to what was really important? I mean, if the heavens can hold a thousand brilliant stars, then surely there's room enough for both of our lights to shine.
If I had known that sooner, then perhaps I wouldn't have made an enemy of someone who might otherwise have been a dear, dear friend.
Oh, thank God.
The couple made up.
My house sale's back on.
This is a really big studio.
How in the world are we ever going to find Robert Redford? Let's ask this Hollywood fairy.
Elka! I'm sorry, she's from a different era.
I'm not talking about him! I'm talking about her.
Have you seen Robert Redford? We heard he was doing his movie here.
See that line of extras over there getting wardrobe? That's for his movie.
That's it! We could be extras! No.
Absolutely not.
There are rules, there are unions.
You can't just walk onto a movie set.
Oh, you're probably right.
I just thought, after my trial, when I'm in that cold, dark cell You are not going to guilt me into this.
My spirits would soar on the wings of a memory.
- Stop it! - The memory of meeting, and getting the tiniest bit handsy with Robert oh, fine, all right.
All right.
We can catch a ride with this fruit.
Oh, wait a minute.
When I turn around, I better see a man dressed like a banana.
Close enough.
Oh, no.
They're blocking the path to my dressing room like angry villagers.
The director's smiling and waving you over.
Of course he is.
This is Hollywood.
You know, two air kisses before they stab you in the back and gloat over your carcass.
Speaking of bloody carcasses, I believe I owe my new ex-boyfriend Michael Knight a visit.
Hmm, I wonder if this works on more than just bagels? Victoria, a word.
Listen, before you say anything we want you to do your original speech.
- Pardon? - The hospital called.
Susan's fine, but she just needs some time to recuperate.
Could you repeat that first part, again? Susan is fine.
No, no, no, the part about my speech.
Am I really getting it back? Yes.
We want you to deliver it to a photograph of Susan.
Now, of course, if you're not comfortable doing the scene without her, - we ca - Oh! no, no, no as much as it pains me to perform the entire scene alone no head bandages, right? Right.
To do the whole scene entirely alone, I know that if Susan were standing here, she'd be looking way, way up at the rest of us, saying, "oh, Victoria, please, do this for me.
" Tissue! Water! Sandwich.
That's how Susan keeps warm between takes.
And action.
Oh, Erica.
I know you can't hear me, but wherever you are, I pray that you know that I know, that you wish you had been there to warn me that Liza had sabotaged that stairway.
Thank you, thank you, but I was merely taking a dramatic pause.
Please hold your applause until I have completed The scene.
I believe they were clapping for me.
Oh, hell.
Susan! This is amazing.
We thought you were taking some time off.
And let poor Victoria stumble through the scene all alone? What kind of a friend and younger mentor would I be? But surely after your long coma, you could use a little rest.
On the contrary.
In spite of my alleged "accident," I feel fine.
So, should we shoot the scene the way we rehearsed it? Oh, what a trooper! What do you say, Victoria? Hmm? I'm speechless.
You are now.
Where exactly does it say "Ferrari" on the jacket? Uh? Front and back? I'll take it.
Oh, I've got to go.
And ciao! Come in.
Hello, Michael.
Hello, gorgeous.
Listen.
I I've got a love scene coming up.
Want to help me rehearse? I would, but something awful's just happened.
I know.
Lucci is back.
But, face it, there's no show without her.
It's not that.
Just now, when I was in the parking lot, admiring your brand new Ferrari I ran into Alex! What? Your evil twin.
And when I told him you and I were together, he flew into a jealous rage, and started attacking your gorgeous new car with a crowbar.
What are you talking about? Oh, it was horrible.
He shattered the windshield, he slashed the tires, he even ripped that cute little prancing horse off the hood.
I don't have an evil twin! And now, you don't have a Ferrari, either.
Why did we always let petty jealousy blind us to what's really important? If the heavens can hold a thousand brilliant stars, surely there's room enough for both our lights to shine.
If only I had realized this sooner, perhaps I wouldn't have made an enemy out of someone who might otherwise have been a dear, dear friend.
Susan, that was fantastic.
Those last lines they weren't even in the script! I know.
I was just lying in my hospital bed today, they just came to me.
"Lying" all right.
Writing and acting, is there anything this one cannot do, hmm? To be honest, I owe it all to Victoria.
Well, thank you, Susan.
Her portrayal of a lifeless vegetable was just so convincing that it made my job effortless.
Oh, Robert.
I can't believe you feel the same way too.
Really? You honestly think Robert Redford's going to look across this imaginary ocean and ask you to marry him? He's been doing it in my head for 30 years.
Elka! The servants should be seen and not heard.
Okay, remember, we are going to CGI in the storm and the ocean.
But we need you to pretend to be freezing, and you are desperate to be rescued, all right? Okay, we're ready to shoot! Oh, but Robert Redford isn't here yet.
Lady, this is second unit.
What does that mean? It means there are no stars in this scene.
So this has just been a big old waste of time.
And these things are really itchy, I can't stand it.
Maybe we should just go.
No, he'll see me in editing.
And he'll say, "who is that beautiful extra?" And he'll track me down that's ridiculous, I'm starting to get hives.
Can we just please go? Oh, all right! Maybe I'll get a solitary cell.
Less likely to get shanked.
Fine.
Hey, you know what? On the bright side, I get to be in a Robert Redford movie, right? And action! Cue the waves.
Waves? Remember, it's freezing.
You're terrified.
Oh, here comes another one.
What? Now, over your shoulder oh, God, here comes the biggest one yet.
Noooo! I can't get the water out of my oh, there we go.
Maybe I'm just not meant for romance.
Maybe I'm missing a chip or something.
Oh, sweetie, it's not your fault.
I mean, it could have happened to anybody.
A one-night stand with the same man twice? How could I be so stupid? Well, to be fair, he is a professional actor, and he had you convinced that he was his own evil twin.
- Oh, my God! - I know, I know.
How many times have we sat around this table hashing over your bad boyfriends? Eric, the bigamist Donald with the ant farm - pre-op Andy who turned into awkward first-date Andrea I need coffee.
I had Lucci nightmes all night.
I can still feel that little muppet hand on my mouth.
Well, Joy has good news for you.
I called All My Children and threatened a sexual harassment suit against a certain actor unless they kill the hospital scene and wrote you a new part.
They're flying you out again next week.
Oh, Joy, thank you! That you would do something so conniving for me well, you're a true friend.
So, what kind of part is it? One with hair.
And they promised me it would be juicy.
Oh, well.
If it's half as juicy as the strawberry I squeezed into Susan's moisturizer before I left I'm going to be thrilled.
Mel, honey, is there something wrong? She's still upset about selling her furniture.
No, no, I've resigned myself to the furniture.
I just now I'm just sorry I sold the house.
Aw, sweetie, it's going to be okay.
It's a good thing.
It's what you wanted.
I know, but when I look out these windows, I can still see my kids playing in the yard.
No other windows can do that for me.
And this door jamb, this is where I measured the kids' height.
Look, this is how tall Jenna was when we made Christmas cookies for the very first time and she dropped the bowl.
Right there see? There's this little crack in the how am I going to say goodbye to that crack? I don't know, but you better make it quick, our flight's at noon.
No, no, our flight's not till 5:00.
Oh, I got a tweet from Kemil.
Robert Redford's leaving for Salt Lake City, and I re-booked us on his flight.
You're going to Kansas? Utah.
I defy anyone to tell me the difference.
It's just a five-hour layover.
Oh, please.
Oh, spare us the dimples.
You have no power over us, old woman.
Oh, I don't care anymore.
I'm so miserable I just want to go home.
Oh, my gosh! I just said I want to go home.
Yes, honey, we were here.
No! When I said "home," I meant Cleveland.
I know, it's weird, isn't it? I've been thinking of Cleveland as home too.
Me too.
Only, I wish we could get there nonstop.
We are at least flying first class? One of us is.
I don't know.
You know, I'm single now, the kids are grown, and a house really isn't a home without people in it.
Wherever you guys are that's home to me.
Good, then shake a leg.
You know how long security takes, and I always get profiled.
You guys go ahead.
I just need to do one thing.
Now it's home.