House of Fools (2014) s02e06 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 6
# Today's the day of my big date # With my first girlfriend, Mary # I haven't seen her for 25 years # But she won't have changed I mean, why would she? # He hasn't a chance of finding romance # With his bald head and his hunch back # But if he does what I say He may be OK # She won't have changed I mean, why would she? # Come in here, lad.
Come on, Mr Corncobs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
On the settee, please.
Nice flourish.
Now, Vic this date with this ex-girlfriend of yours, are you sure it's a good idea? Well, I know things didn't end well, you know, with that prank with the acid bath.
Yeah.
But, you know, time heals all wounds.
Yeah, time is a great healer.
Show me that letter that she sent you.
Hang on.
Here it is.
Removing it from your pocket there.
"Dear Vic, long time no see.
" That was worrying me, that.
"Long time no see" - does that mean she's blind? No, it's just a figure of speech, you know what I mean? If you haven't seen someone or something for a long time.
So she is blind? What? No, I promise you, as one old Etonian to the other, she isn't blind, all right? Carrying on.
"A lot of water has passed under the bridge" That's another thing - this bridge I mean, where is it? What's the significance? Should I remember it? And here's a thing here, I didn't get this - "I've been living in Canada, I think.
" I mean, "I've been living in Canada, I think.
" You'd know if you were living in Canada, wouldn't you? Yeah, that is a bit strange.
Let's have a look.
"I've been living in Canada, I think it would be nice "to meet up again now I'm back in the area.
" Sounds completely different when you read it.
What did you do? It's just a long shot, I took a chance and I read on to the next line.
It's transformed it, hasn't it? Mm.
Anyway, just signed "Mary" with a telephone number.
Yeah, so I texted her on me mobile telephone.
Yeah.
And I'm going to meet her tonight in Julie's Bistro.
I know all that, but my worry is will you actually even recognise her? Yeah, I've got this picture of her from 1988.
Let's have a look.
Oh, she's pretty.
Isn't she pretty? Isn't she pretty, ladies and gentlemen? Don't you think? I mean, 25 years ago - she might have changed quite a bit, Vic.
She might have put on a lot of weight, a bit like you.
What, you saying she's fat? No, I'm just saying she might have put on a bit of weight.
No, you said she's morbidly obese.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
Do you know something I don't? Eh? No.
Right, you, I'm going upstairs.
Vic's got a date, I'm going to help him get ready.
Yes, you're in charge now.
Right, I want you to use this opportunity to develop the sports bar theme.
So I'm the manager? Yes.
And so, after a verbal agreement with Julie, which you all witnessed, Bosh takes the first tentative steps into sports bar management.
And I'd like to congratulate you, sir, on being the first supporting artist to feature in me new sports bar.
There you go.
That's for you you twat.
What is that? Face mask.
Yeah, but what is it? It's a face mask.
For getting rid of the spots, for tonight.
Yeah.
That's not a bad idea.
Come on.
Thank you.
What is it made of, Vic? Crocs.
I melted some Crocs down.
Take it off, Vic, we need to practise this date with Mary, yeah, please? I'll be Mary.
Right, yeah.
So, we've just sat down.
Hello, Mary.
Well, I must say, you've got really nice and fat.
Will you stop talking about fatness? You started it.
You said she was morbidly obese.
No, I didn't but all right, if you want to make it a fat date, here goes.
Hello, Vic, I see you've piled on the pounds.
Well, yeah, that's because I'm living with this bloke, Bob, who's a feeder.
And he's a big fat knacker as well.
Did you enjoy winning that trophy they gave you for being the fattest bloke to ever pass through Bristol? Well, I heard that you often find there's people queuing behind you saying, "Can I buy the ticket for the hot-air balloon ride?" Submit! Submit! # Just come back from a night in the sack # With a woman from the travelling circus # She stole all my cash # Waxed my moustache # And dressed me as a lion # Tamer! # Release him! You made me late for the chiropodist.
My wife's going to kill me.
All right, Beef.
I like your whip, mate.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
This is no ordinary whip.
It holds a terrible secret.
Sounds terrible.
It is terrible.
It is so terrible in its awfulness.
What is the secret? Draw near.
Nearer still.
Nearer That's perfect.
If cracked correctly .
.
it has the power to stop time.
Do it, then.
I dare not.
Right.
Well, I do.
Shit.
What a terrible power.
We must not speak of this evil.
Oh, I say! You're a bit of all right.
Quite wealthy, too.
Let's go to Rome.
Maybe get a room in Rome.
Go on the Monarch Airlines - I prefer them.
Yeah, that sounds great, let's go.
What? I wasn't expecting that.
You weren't expecting that, either.
I wasn't, no.
Oh! Nor that one.
However .
.
I am just about to crescendo.
Oi, Bosh.
Do you remember me? No, I don't.
Mary.
Used to go out with Vic.
Listen, love, maybe you're Mary, maybe you're not.
I don't know because all women look the same to me.
Even if you are who you say you are, you're a little bit early for Vic's date.
Yeah, that's just it, I can't make it.
I've got to fly to Antwerp to launch a new range of underpants.
Yeah? What are they like? They're tight.
Oh.
Yeah, they're very tight.
They're insanely, almost inhumanly tight.
Oh! Like a vice.
So, apologise to Vic for me, I've got to rush.
But he'll be devastated, ya dozy twat.
I'll give him a ring if I get a chance.
I'm really excited about tonight.
Yeah.
I've spilled it.
You really liked her, didn't you? Yeah.
She used to give me butterflies every time we met.
All giddy in the stomach and that? No, I didn't eat them, I used to just put 'em in an envelope and forget about them.
Oh, right, she really did give you butterflies.
And moths.
Whatever, yeah.
I'm really nervous.
You wouldn't come and sit with us, would you? No, I don't want to be a gooseberry.
Who would want to be a bitter little fruit? Hi, guys! All right, Julie? I've brought me make-up bag to get you ready for your date.
Good.
Right, strip down to your noggin pouch and let's get started.
It's just hair and make-up.
Fine.
Right, I've got your wig.
Ooh! This looks enticing.
It's really Ooh! Oh! Oh, you're kidding, aren't you? That really works.
Now that's increased my confidence.
Right, come on, Bob, you be Mary and let's see how I get on with my new increased self assurance and vim.
Oh, hello, Vic.
I must say, your hair's very empirical.
Have you used a relaxant? Well, if anything, Mary, I'm constipated.
It's no good.
Have a go on this, you'll look a bit more like Mary.
OK, I understand.
A bit more feminine, yeah? That's it.
Hi! Bob, Bob, Bob.
Tits and teeth.
Oh, sorry, right.
That's it.
Hello, Mary.
Hi.
Me? What do I do all day? Well, I spend most of my time making adverts for fizzy morning drinks, you know, Andrews Liver Salts, that sort of thing.
Wow.
When I'm not doing that I'm sitting on the pointy end of my yacht eating really expensive - and I mean top end - chops.
Oh, wow! Right, you two lovebirds, I need to get him ready for his date.
See you late.
Oh! See you later.
Yeah, good luck.
Look after him, Julie.
Yeah, yeah, got it.
You know what they say - you can't polish a turd but you can roll it in glitter.
So, let me get this straight, Mary's not going to appear.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
Good heavens.
You know Vic as well as I do - this will destroy him.
Can't we just get him another date? I'm afraid there's no time.
I have an idea.
Remember, he has no idea what she looks like now, so one of us must pretend to be Mary.
Who is the most ladylike of this quartet? Not me, for sure.
That's true.
Very true.
So it's between us three, this trio.
Let us all strike a romantic and sultry pose.
And I will chose the most womanly and feminine of your displays.
Begin.
I am Bosh Rogan Josh and I am occupation twat.
Elegant with a hint of casual impropriety.
Erik.
Hi, I'm Erik and I'm Bob Mortimer's son.
Oooh-ah! Oooh-ah! Beef.
Yes.
Flawless, dusky complexion with romantic intent.
An erotic masterpiece.
It has be Beef.
It was never in any doubt.
There does, however, remain one huge problem.
Yeah, what is that? There is a chance he may fall irrevocably in love with me.
So, Vic, if you want to hook a lady, you need to display the three Ss, OK? Strength.
Style.
And seduction.
Right, watch this.
Now, what could be more stylish than a mysterious dance? Hoo! Ah! And the next one - seduction.
"Hi, Vic.
Sorry but can't make it tonight.
"Going to Antwerp.
Good luck.
Mary.
" Abroad.
So that's it, old boy, the three Ss.
Yeah, I think I've got it.
Right, Julie, I'm going to go upstairs and get into my special outfit for tonight.
It's, erm, a kind of St Tropez feel, tempered by a hint of Grimsby.
Oh! I like it.
Julie Terrible.
Pull yourself together.
Terrible news.
Please, pull yourself together.
Terrible news, Mary's cancelled the date with Vic.
She's gone to see a twerp in Belgium, or something.
Oh, Vic is going to be heartbroken.
Is there nothing we can do? I don't know.
I mean, I was thinking that he hasn't seen her for 25 years, he won't know what she looks like.
Oh, I catch your drift.
But which one of us looks more like a woman? Yeah, oh I don't know.
I've got these.
Yeah.
Yeah, but I've seen a picture of Mary and, to be honest, she's not so, erm, pronounced at the top, you know.
Oh, I see, right.
Well, bear with me.
Do you know what? It could just work, yeah.
Let's give it a try.
Right, on your marks, get set, eat.
Right, you, false start.
You went too early.
Get out of my sports bar.
Bosh! Is she here yet? No.
I'm really nervous.
Yeah, I would be in that outfit.
Where did you get that from? eBay.
Bonnie Tyler was selling some of his old clothes, so I got them.
Where should I sit? Come over here.
You are sitting down at the football themed table.
Take a seat, have a little chat with her and then at half-time, you just swap seats.
Now, I'm going to go and get you a drink.
Hey, Vic.
Good luck, but remember it's a long time since you saw her, so she could look like a man.
- You must be Mary.
- Yes.
She is quite different, she's got a beard.
Yes, but hesheit is beautiful.
She's got a beard.
Yes, but hesheit has a swarthy radiance and romantic demeanour.
She's got a beard.
Yes.
Hello, Mary.
Hello.
Not the usual thing you find on a woman.
Well, the times, they are a-changing.
Yes.
I like your beads.
Yes.
It's made from cauliflowers, steamed in the bellies of locomotives and then hand-pressed by Scottish widows with light bulbs for hands.
Do you know what? You remind me of a friend of mine.
Yes, maybe we should order.
Yes, maybe we should.
What was it you always used to order at our favourite restaurant? Oh, erm Bounty bars.
Yes, Bounty bars, the most coconutial of all the bars.
I recognise those floral tenets.
As I suspected, Beef Galore.
What do you think you're doing, Beef? Go on, clear off, Mary'll be here in a minute.
Go on, get out.
Honestly, male, really? In fact, here she is now, arriving via the doorway with my colleague, Bob.
Sorry about that, Vic, it was just our hilarious joke to get you in a very good mood, ho-ho-ho.
That's definitely how it was, ha-ha-ha.
Ho-ho-ho.
Oh, hello, Mary.
Ooh, hoi, Vic.
Sorry about the accent, but I've been living in Canader for the last 25 years since we've been going ooout.
So long time, no see.
Yeah, I know, that's whatthat's what Bob said, but I can see that you can see actually, yeah.
Also, he said you were so fat you had to sleep in hangar number one at Heathrow.
But you're lovely.
Thank yooou.
Did you ever marry? Yes, I've been divorced four times.
Right.
LOL, ROFL, get in there.
What's the story there, then? Oh, well, you see, my first, erm, husband, he was a farter, you know? Always farting, you know, fart.
"Oh, honey, hey, what's for breakfast?" Fart.
And, you know, "Hey, honey, I'm going to go out.
" Fart.
"Hey, honey, I'm home.
" Fart, fart.
Fart.
And, you know, "Good night, sweetheart.
" Fart.
Will you excuse me for a moment, Mary? Seems to be going all right, doesn't it? Mmm.
Hello, there, madam.
Are you on your own? Can I get you a drink or anything? Yes, that would be splendid.
Yes, anything you'd like with it? Maybe a cracker? A cracker.
Oh, I just saw a bus go past with a really unusual registration number.
I wish I'd had my notebook, make a note of it.
I like to do that, do you? Unusual things.
What about that cracker? Oh, I haven't asked.
What's your name? Names are for tombstones.
So what do you think of this place, Mary? It's a bistro, the kind of place for people to connect.
I love it.
I love it, I like it a lot.
I'll tell you, what else? I know the owner of this place really well, actually.
Do you? Yeah.
What is she like? Well, she's, erm .
.
mental.
You know, peculiar.
But she's kind and generous and altogether wonderful.
Tell me more.
Well, she'll do anything for you.
She did all my hair and make-up today and she's very kind to simpletons.
And she's actually really good-looking.
A lot better looking than you, you know.
No offence.
I'd love to meet her.
Well, you should do.
Hey, tell you what, we'll get her.
Bob! Yeah? Go and fetch Julie.
Sorry? Go and fetch Julie.
What, Julie Goodyear? Julie from what are you on about? Julie! Julie Oh, so Oh, she's had to rush away really urgently to do some light engineering in Bosnia, of all places.
Hi.
You want to speak to Julie? She's in the kitchen.
Oh, thanks Go and get her, then.
Sorry, I didn't know.
There's been a misunderstanding.
Come on, Bosh.
Bosh Julie's in the kitchen.
Julie's in the kitchen.
(Bosh, that lady there is Julie, yeah? But Julie's Don't you dare.
No, right? (All we need to do is find a way to change Julie back to Julie, Yeah.
Well, get her over here, then! Yeah.
Oh, I need to go to the bathroom.
OK.
Is it a number two? Oh, no, it's a first of the night.
Hi, guys.
We need you to go into the bog, climb out of the bog window, go round upstairs and change back into Julie.
Oh, this is such a hoot! But, Bosh, this is going to take ages.
Oh, ages, is it? Well, it's time you want to stop, is it? Well, I'll use my time whip.
That's your solution, is it, to stop time with a whip? How else you going to move the plot along? I like the sound of that whip, go on.
I don't want it to happen to me, here.
Here we go.
It worked! I know.
I never thought I'd see that in my lifetime.
No.
I thought it would take till, I don't know, about 2050 to see time stopped with a whip.
So, what do we do now, then? We just wait.
Don't you dare, Bob.
Just a little cuddle? All right.
Go and have a little cuddle, go on.
Dog food? Hi, did you want me? Yeah, hello, Julie.
I just wanted you to meet my date.
Oh, I've just met her in the ladies'.
Yes.
Oh, she's very pretty, very charming.
We discussed everything we needed to discuss and we agreed to leave it at that.
Do you like her? Oh, very good.
Catch you later.
Oh, Mary! Julie said she just bumped into you in the toilet.
Oh, well, we discussed what we needed to discuss and we left it at that.
Ha! Right, OK.
Well, where were we? Second S, style.
Oh, look at that! Oh! Whoa.
Ooh, la la.
Oooh - Come on, come on! - Is that fire? Yeah! How about that? Bravo! So, you have a good night? I did.
Yeah.
Look, are you going to get the bus home or do you want to borrow my bike? Aren't you forgetting something? What about the third S? Seduction.
Exactly.
Oh, excuse me a minute.
Yes, hello.
Hi, Vic, it's Mary.
I know.
I was able to change my travel arrangements.
But who's this Mary? Vic, it's me.
It's Julie.
Look, I'm sorry, I just really wanted you to enjoy your date and she cancelled, I I'm sorry, I'll get my bits and No, no, no! Stay there.
Look, I'm really sorry, Mary, but I've got to go down the swimming baths because Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen is going to do, like, a massive bomb off the top diving board and he wants me to take a picture of it, so That's absolutely fine.
To be honest, you're not my type, anyway.
I like big, fat, hairy blokes, like this one.
Oi, Bof, Bish, Beth, whatever your name is.
Beef, actually.
It turns out that I am actually available to have it away with you for the second time, if that's appealing.
It is, but it isn't.
I'll tell you why.
The underpants that you've given me are so inhumanely tight I can't get them off.
You're as bad as the Belgians.
Don't worry, I have a spork.
Ah! Come with me.
Now, then .
.
where were we? Seduction.
# Didn't we have a lovely day? # The day that Julie was Mary # But what happens next? # We take a stroll # A stroll around this house of fools # Yes!
Come on, Mr Corncobs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
On the settee, please.
Nice flourish.
Now, Vic this date with this ex-girlfriend of yours, are you sure it's a good idea? Well, I know things didn't end well, you know, with that prank with the acid bath.
Yeah.
But, you know, time heals all wounds.
Yeah, time is a great healer.
Show me that letter that she sent you.
Hang on.
Here it is.
Removing it from your pocket there.
"Dear Vic, long time no see.
" That was worrying me, that.
"Long time no see" - does that mean she's blind? No, it's just a figure of speech, you know what I mean? If you haven't seen someone or something for a long time.
So she is blind? What? No, I promise you, as one old Etonian to the other, she isn't blind, all right? Carrying on.
"A lot of water has passed under the bridge" That's another thing - this bridge I mean, where is it? What's the significance? Should I remember it? And here's a thing here, I didn't get this - "I've been living in Canada, I think.
" I mean, "I've been living in Canada, I think.
" You'd know if you were living in Canada, wouldn't you? Yeah, that is a bit strange.
Let's have a look.
"I've been living in Canada, I think it would be nice "to meet up again now I'm back in the area.
" Sounds completely different when you read it.
What did you do? It's just a long shot, I took a chance and I read on to the next line.
It's transformed it, hasn't it? Mm.
Anyway, just signed "Mary" with a telephone number.
Yeah, so I texted her on me mobile telephone.
Yeah.
And I'm going to meet her tonight in Julie's Bistro.
I know all that, but my worry is will you actually even recognise her? Yeah, I've got this picture of her from 1988.
Let's have a look.
Oh, she's pretty.
Isn't she pretty? Isn't she pretty, ladies and gentlemen? Don't you think? I mean, 25 years ago - she might have changed quite a bit, Vic.
She might have put on a lot of weight, a bit like you.
What, you saying she's fat? No, I'm just saying she might have put on a bit of weight.
No, you said she's morbidly obese.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
Do you know something I don't? Eh? No.
Right, you, I'm going upstairs.
Vic's got a date, I'm going to help him get ready.
Yes, you're in charge now.
Right, I want you to use this opportunity to develop the sports bar theme.
So I'm the manager? Yes.
And so, after a verbal agreement with Julie, which you all witnessed, Bosh takes the first tentative steps into sports bar management.
And I'd like to congratulate you, sir, on being the first supporting artist to feature in me new sports bar.
There you go.
That's for you you twat.
What is that? Face mask.
Yeah, but what is it? It's a face mask.
For getting rid of the spots, for tonight.
Yeah.
That's not a bad idea.
Come on.
Thank you.
What is it made of, Vic? Crocs.
I melted some Crocs down.
Take it off, Vic, we need to practise this date with Mary, yeah, please? I'll be Mary.
Right, yeah.
So, we've just sat down.
Hello, Mary.
Well, I must say, you've got really nice and fat.
Will you stop talking about fatness? You started it.
You said she was morbidly obese.
No, I didn't but all right, if you want to make it a fat date, here goes.
Hello, Vic, I see you've piled on the pounds.
Well, yeah, that's because I'm living with this bloke, Bob, who's a feeder.
And he's a big fat knacker as well.
Did you enjoy winning that trophy they gave you for being the fattest bloke to ever pass through Bristol? Well, I heard that you often find there's people queuing behind you saying, "Can I buy the ticket for the hot-air balloon ride?" Submit! Submit! # Just come back from a night in the sack # With a woman from the travelling circus # She stole all my cash # Waxed my moustache # And dressed me as a lion # Tamer! # Release him! You made me late for the chiropodist.
My wife's going to kill me.
All right, Beef.
I like your whip, mate.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
This is no ordinary whip.
It holds a terrible secret.
Sounds terrible.
It is terrible.
It is so terrible in its awfulness.
What is the secret? Draw near.
Nearer still.
Nearer That's perfect.
If cracked correctly .
.
it has the power to stop time.
Do it, then.
I dare not.
Right.
Well, I do.
Shit.
What a terrible power.
We must not speak of this evil.
Oh, I say! You're a bit of all right.
Quite wealthy, too.
Let's go to Rome.
Maybe get a room in Rome.
Go on the Monarch Airlines - I prefer them.
Yeah, that sounds great, let's go.
What? I wasn't expecting that.
You weren't expecting that, either.
I wasn't, no.
Oh! Nor that one.
However .
.
I am just about to crescendo.
Oi, Bosh.
Do you remember me? No, I don't.
Mary.
Used to go out with Vic.
Listen, love, maybe you're Mary, maybe you're not.
I don't know because all women look the same to me.
Even if you are who you say you are, you're a little bit early for Vic's date.
Yeah, that's just it, I can't make it.
I've got to fly to Antwerp to launch a new range of underpants.
Yeah? What are they like? They're tight.
Oh.
Yeah, they're very tight.
They're insanely, almost inhumanly tight.
Oh! Like a vice.
So, apologise to Vic for me, I've got to rush.
But he'll be devastated, ya dozy twat.
I'll give him a ring if I get a chance.
I'm really excited about tonight.
Yeah.
I've spilled it.
You really liked her, didn't you? Yeah.
She used to give me butterflies every time we met.
All giddy in the stomach and that? No, I didn't eat them, I used to just put 'em in an envelope and forget about them.
Oh, right, she really did give you butterflies.
And moths.
Whatever, yeah.
I'm really nervous.
You wouldn't come and sit with us, would you? No, I don't want to be a gooseberry.
Who would want to be a bitter little fruit? Hi, guys! All right, Julie? I've brought me make-up bag to get you ready for your date.
Good.
Right, strip down to your noggin pouch and let's get started.
It's just hair and make-up.
Fine.
Right, I've got your wig.
Ooh! This looks enticing.
It's really Ooh! Oh! Oh, you're kidding, aren't you? That really works.
Now that's increased my confidence.
Right, come on, Bob, you be Mary and let's see how I get on with my new increased self assurance and vim.
Oh, hello, Vic.
I must say, your hair's very empirical.
Have you used a relaxant? Well, if anything, Mary, I'm constipated.
It's no good.
Have a go on this, you'll look a bit more like Mary.
OK, I understand.
A bit more feminine, yeah? That's it.
Hi! Bob, Bob, Bob.
Tits and teeth.
Oh, sorry, right.
That's it.
Hello, Mary.
Hi.
Me? What do I do all day? Well, I spend most of my time making adverts for fizzy morning drinks, you know, Andrews Liver Salts, that sort of thing.
Wow.
When I'm not doing that I'm sitting on the pointy end of my yacht eating really expensive - and I mean top end - chops.
Oh, wow! Right, you two lovebirds, I need to get him ready for his date.
See you late.
Oh! See you later.
Yeah, good luck.
Look after him, Julie.
Yeah, yeah, got it.
You know what they say - you can't polish a turd but you can roll it in glitter.
So, let me get this straight, Mary's not going to appear.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
Good heavens.
You know Vic as well as I do - this will destroy him.
Can't we just get him another date? I'm afraid there's no time.
I have an idea.
Remember, he has no idea what she looks like now, so one of us must pretend to be Mary.
Who is the most ladylike of this quartet? Not me, for sure.
That's true.
Very true.
So it's between us three, this trio.
Let us all strike a romantic and sultry pose.
And I will chose the most womanly and feminine of your displays.
Begin.
I am Bosh Rogan Josh and I am occupation twat.
Elegant with a hint of casual impropriety.
Erik.
Hi, I'm Erik and I'm Bob Mortimer's son.
Oooh-ah! Oooh-ah! Beef.
Yes.
Flawless, dusky complexion with romantic intent.
An erotic masterpiece.
It has be Beef.
It was never in any doubt.
There does, however, remain one huge problem.
Yeah, what is that? There is a chance he may fall irrevocably in love with me.
So, Vic, if you want to hook a lady, you need to display the three Ss, OK? Strength.
Style.
And seduction.
Right, watch this.
Now, what could be more stylish than a mysterious dance? Hoo! Ah! And the next one - seduction.
"Hi, Vic.
Sorry but can't make it tonight.
"Going to Antwerp.
Good luck.
Mary.
" Abroad.
So that's it, old boy, the three Ss.
Yeah, I think I've got it.
Right, Julie, I'm going to go upstairs and get into my special outfit for tonight.
It's, erm, a kind of St Tropez feel, tempered by a hint of Grimsby.
Oh! I like it.
Julie Terrible.
Pull yourself together.
Terrible news.
Please, pull yourself together.
Terrible news, Mary's cancelled the date with Vic.
She's gone to see a twerp in Belgium, or something.
Oh, Vic is going to be heartbroken.
Is there nothing we can do? I don't know.
I mean, I was thinking that he hasn't seen her for 25 years, he won't know what she looks like.
Oh, I catch your drift.
But which one of us looks more like a woman? Yeah, oh I don't know.
I've got these.
Yeah.
Yeah, but I've seen a picture of Mary and, to be honest, she's not so, erm, pronounced at the top, you know.
Oh, I see, right.
Well, bear with me.
Do you know what? It could just work, yeah.
Let's give it a try.
Right, on your marks, get set, eat.
Right, you, false start.
You went too early.
Get out of my sports bar.
Bosh! Is she here yet? No.
I'm really nervous.
Yeah, I would be in that outfit.
Where did you get that from? eBay.
Bonnie Tyler was selling some of his old clothes, so I got them.
Where should I sit? Come over here.
You are sitting down at the football themed table.
Take a seat, have a little chat with her and then at half-time, you just swap seats.
Now, I'm going to go and get you a drink.
Hey, Vic.
Good luck, but remember it's a long time since you saw her, so she could look like a man.
- You must be Mary.
- Yes.
She is quite different, she's got a beard.
Yes, but hesheit is beautiful.
She's got a beard.
Yes, but hesheit has a swarthy radiance and romantic demeanour.
She's got a beard.
Yes.
Hello, Mary.
Hello.
Not the usual thing you find on a woman.
Well, the times, they are a-changing.
Yes.
I like your beads.
Yes.
It's made from cauliflowers, steamed in the bellies of locomotives and then hand-pressed by Scottish widows with light bulbs for hands.
Do you know what? You remind me of a friend of mine.
Yes, maybe we should order.
Yes, maybe we should.
What was it you always used to order at our favourite restaurant? Oh, erm Bounty bars.
Yes, Bounty bars, the most coconutial of all the bars.
I recognise those floral tenets.
As I suspected, Beef Galore.
What do you think you're doing, Beef? Go on, clear off, Mary'll be here in a minute.
Go on, get out.
Honestly, male, really? In fact, here she is now, arriving via the doorway with my colleague, Bob.
Sorry about that, Vic, it was just our hilarious joke to get you in a very good mood, ho-ho-ho.
That's definitely how it was, ha-ha-ha.
Ho-ho-ho.
Oh, hello, Mary.
Ooh, hoi, Vic.
Sorry about the accent, but I've been living in Canader for the last 25 years since we've been going ooout.
So long time, no see.
Yeah, I know, that's whatthat's what Bob said, but I can see that you can see actually, yeah.
Also, he said you were so fat you had to sleep in hangar number one at Heathrow.
But you're lovely.
Thank yooou.
Did you ever marry? Yes, I've been divorced four times.
Right.
LOL, ROFL, get in there.
What's the story there, then? Oh, well, you see, my first, erm, husband, he was a farter, you know? Always farting, you know, fart.
"Oh, honey, hey, what's for breakfast?" Fart.
And, you know, "Hey, honey, I'm going to go out.
" Fart.
"Hey, honey, I'm home.
" Fart, fart.
Fart.
And, you know, "Good night, sweetheart.
" Fart.
Will you excuse me for a moment, Mary? Seems to be going all right, doesn't it? Mmm.
Hello, there, madam.
Are you on your own? Can I get you a drink or anything? Yes, that would be splendid.
Yes, anything you'd like with it? Maybe a cracker? A cracker.
Oh, I just saw a bus go past with a really unusual registration number.
I wish I'd had my notebook, make a note of it.
I like to do that, do you? Unusual things.
What about that cracker? Oh, I haven't asked.
What's your name? Names are for tombstones.
So what do you think of this place, Mary? It's a bistro, the kind of place for people to connect.
I love it.
I love it, I like it a lot.
I'll tell you, what else? I know the owner of this place really well, actually.
Do you? Yeah.
What is she like? Well, she's, erm .
.
mental.
You know, peculiar.
But she's kind and generous and altogether wonderful.
Tell me more.
Well, she'll do anything for you.
She did all my hair and make-up today and she's very kind to simpletons.
And she's actually really good-looking.
A lot better looking than you, you know.
No offence.
I'd love to meet her.
Well, you should do.
Hey, tell you what, we'll get her.
Bob! Yeah? Go and fetch Julie.
Sorry? Go and fetch Julie.
What, Julie Goodyear? Julie from what are you on about? Julie! Julie Oh, so Oh, she's had to rush away really urgently to do some light engineering in Bosnia, of all places.
Hi.
You want to speak to Julie? She's in the kitchen.
Oh, thanks Go and get her, then.
Sorry, I didn't know.
There's been a misunderstanding.
Come on, Bosh.
Bosh Julie's in the kitchen.
Julie's in the kitchen.
(Bosh, that lady there is Julie, yeah? But Julie's Don't you dare.
No, right? (All we need to do is find a way to change Julie back to Julie, Yeah.
Well, get her over here, then! Yeah.
Oh, I need to go to the bathroom.
OK.
Is it a number two? Oh, no, it's a first of the night.
Hi, guys.
We need you to go into the bog, climb out of the bog window, go round upstairs and change back into Julie.
Oh, this is such a hoot! But, Bosh, this is going to take ages.
Oh, ages, is it? Well, it's time you want to stop, is it? Well, I'll use my time whip.
That's your solution, is it, to stop time with a whip? How else you going to move the plot along? I like the sound of that whip, go on.
I don't want it to happen to me, here.
Here we go.
It worked! I know.
I never thought I'd see that in my lifetime.
No.
I thought it would take till, I don't know, about 2050 to see time stopped with a whip.
So, what do we do now, then? We just wait.
Don't you dare, Bob.
Just a little cuddle? All right.
Go and have a little cuddle, go on.
Dog food? Hi, did you want me? Yeah, hello, Julie.
I just wanted you to meet my date.
Oh, I've just met her in the ladies'.
Yes.
Oh, she's very pretty, very charming.
We discussed everything we needed to discuss and we agreed to leave it at that.
Do you like her? Oh, very good.
Catch you later.
Oh, Mary! Julie said she just bumped into you in the toilet.
Oh, well, we discussed what we needed to discuss and we left it at that.
Ha! Right, OK.
Well, where were we? Second S, style.
Oh, look at that! Oh! Whoa.
Ooh, la la.
Oooh - Come on, come on! - Is that fire? Yeah! How about that? Bravo! So, you have a good night? I did.
Yeah.
Look, are you going to get the bus home or do you want to borrow my bike? Aren't you forgetting something? What about the third S? Seduction.
Exactly.
Oh, excuse me a minute.
Yes, hello.
Hi, Vic, it's Mary.
I know.
I was able to change my travel arrangements.
But who's this Mary? Vic, it's me.
It's Julie.
Look, I'm sorry, I just really wanted you to enjoy your date and she cancelled, I I'm sorry, I'll get my bits and No, no, no! Stay there.
Look, I'm really sorry, Mary, but I've got to go down the swimming baths because Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen is going to do, like, a massive bomb off the top diving board and he wants me to take a picture of it, so That's absolutely fine.
To be honest, you're not my type, anyway.
I like big, fat, hairy blokes, like this one.
Oi, Bof, Bish, Beth, whatever your name is.
Beef, actually.
It turns out that I am actually available to have it away with you for the second time, if that's appealing.
It is, but it isn't.
I'll tell you why.
The underpants that you've given me are so inhumanely tight I can't get them off.
You're as bad as the Belgians.
Don't worry, I have a spork.
Ah! Come with me.
Now, then .
.
where were we? Seduction.
# Didn't we have a lovely day? # The day that Julie was Mary # But what happens next? # We take a stroll # A stroll around this house of fools # Yes!