How Do You Want Me? (1998) s02e06 Episode Script
The Pleasures of Village Life
(Snoring) (Door handle shaken violently) So you shot my dad? Erm Cool.
Well done.
Oh, good, oh, good.
Oh! That's a bit of a throaty old smell, isn't it? (Both cough) Yeah, it was clay pigeon shooting.
It was an accident.
âÂ" There was an element of retribution âÂ" Whatever.
I mean, you know, lan, if that had been two weeks ago, I'd have had to have whacked you.
I know, I know, yeah, yeah.
But erm since Dad humiliated me, er he's become like my my foe.
Yeah.
(Snorts) âÂ" Yeah.
Do you want some coffee or? âÂ" Yeah.
My sworn foe.
Dean, why do you have to do that? To show you what a shit door it is.
I knew that.
Lan a good door pays for itself time and time again.
Mmm.
So Lisa's chucked you out, then? Yeah, she wasn't too happy with the shooting.
Oh, yeah.
I know where she's coming from.
I didn't expect her to bake me a special cake.
Ooh, cake.
She said she'd call when she didn't feel like puking every time she thought of me.
You certainly can't stay here.
That's for sure.
It's all right.
Toilet, floor.
Dean, what are you doing? âÂ" Well, you're going to come and stay with me.
âÂ" No, Dean, that wouldn't be fair.
Of course it would be fair.
We're practically soul brothers.
âÂ" Maybe I should shoot Dad as well.
âÂ" No.
âÂ" In the head.
âÂ" No.
No.
Cool.
Right, then, let's go.
Come on.
âÂ" You see, you've let the wind in now.
âÂ" Yeah.
I know it's a bad thing to do but Remember how he loved Fred Flintstone but despised Barney cos he never took the initiative.
I'm really worried that every time I look at lan, I'll just see him as a man who shot my dad.
But he's done other things.
Well, I just don't know whether we can recover from this, you know? Maybe it's all over.
No, sweet, come here.
âÂ" Oh, I love him, you know? âÂ" I know.
âÂ" I mean, I really, really love him.
âÂ" I know.
Much more than I ever loved Derek.
Gosh, you're so well out of this, you know? Men.
Hmm.
You should go out with Derek, you know? No.
But you're so lonely.
I know you are.
Secret knock.
Come on in.
Ah, erm it's a bit of an old mess, as you can see.
I mean, a lot of people ask me why, as a builder, I don't tart it up a bit.
Or at least make it structurally sound, you know? I think maybe I've got a psychological block.
It's like, if you're a butcher, the last thing you want to do when you get home is you know, butch again.
But there's loads of space, you know? I mean, there's not much gash around at the moment cos I'm between shags, not unless Waz tapped off last night.
(Vomiting) Maybe I should stay at an inn, Dean.
Phil's dossing here at the moment.
âÂ" Are you all right, Phil, mate? âÂ" Yeah, I'll be OK.
Come on.
Come upstairs.
Are your feet clean? Er, yeah.
He's been a lot worse.
Last week he was throwing up paint.
This is my inner sanctum.
What do you think? Pretty cool.
âÂ" You sleep through here.
âÂ" Er, Dean, maybe this is all a bit Waz, Chunky Chas and someone.
Anyway, I'm off to work.
I'll see you later.
(Vomiting) Hi.
Bit of a loose end.
Norriswood's giving my lot his annual chat about the importance of being nicely spoken.
Yeah, I've got that one tomorrow.
âÂ" You all right? âÂ" Mmm.
âÂ" A bit tired.
âÂ" Everything jolly at home? MmâÂ"hm.
Paul, stop copying Lynn.
Sorry I've been a bit of a pain for the last two years.
âÂ" Oh, don't be silly.
âÂ" I think I'm pretty much over it finally.
Yeah, I don't get that horrible pang any more when I imagine you being with lan.
I never told you but I used to actually, literally beat my breast to sort of dislodge the pain.
âÂ" Gosh.
âÂ" Yeah.
So you'll be ready to start going out with women again? Yeah.
Yeah, I suppose I am.
Right.
You and Helen are going on a date.
(Horn beeping persistently) (Tyres screech) âÂ" lan.
âÂ" (Lads) lan! âÂ" Hi.
âÂ" Where are you going? I thought maybe I'd spend tonight in the studio.
I offered you my hospitality.
I know but you've got so many damaged people under your wing.
I won't add to your burden.
Lan, you need the company of men in these difficult times.
Get in.
(Lads cheer raucously) I'd better get back home.
Fish to feed.
You going to be all right? You're cleaning out the fridge.
That is not the action of a well person.
I need to do something mindless.
Do you keep jam in the fridge? âÂ" No.
âÂ" A lot of people do nowadays, don't they? Lisa, you should talk to him.
However long you leave it, he won't have shot Dad any less.
I know.
I thought Dad seemed OK today.
He made a joke I think.
You know Dean's making lan stay with him? (Lisa) He's not? He'll get cholera or something.
Look, I'll drop in, see lan, ask him to come round.
âÂ" Oh, thanks, Helen.
âÂ" Pleasure.
Ah, there's something else you need to do for me.
To go on a date with Derek.
He's agreed.
No, no, no.
No, Lisa, no.
We always argue.
Do something where you don't have to talk.
He's all gloomy.
He's the sultan of gloom! No, he's not.
He's back to his old self.
âÂ" Oh, please! âÂ" Oh, all right! âÂ" Thank you.
Bye.
âÂ" God! âÂ" That's terrible.
âÂ" (All chuckle) I've got one for you.
What's red and green and âÂ" (Chuckles) âÂ" No, that won't work.
What's red and turns green? No, that won't work.
(Knocking) (Phil) Who's that? (Dean) Well, it's not Gav.
He knocks and shouts.
(Waz) Shouts and knocks.
(Gav) I normally knock and shout.
(John) Shout and knock.
(Dean) Your turn, Chunky Chas.
Chunks away.
(Hums) You're very quiet, lan.
Oh, erm I couldn't help notice that Chunky Chas isn't very chunky.
Yeah, well, he used to be but, erm we just couldn't be arsed to call him just Chas again.
All right.
(Dean) So what are your plans, then? I don't know.
I think I'm losing the will to live.
Oh, hello, everyone.
(Dean) Hello, sis.
Top visit.
Take a pew.
Thanks, Dean.
I've actually come to see lan.
Here, sis, have you met Waz? Waz? Hello, Waz.
Well, I'll see you later, boys.
Have a fun evening.
(Burping and giggling) Thank God you've come, Helen.
Please help me get out of here.
It's like being captured by wolves.
How's Lisa? âÂ" She's missing you.
âÂ" So am I.
What's going on? Why am I here? âÂ" Because you shot Dad.
âÂ" I know but I can't apologise any more.
I can't do anything except shoot myself.
A titâÂ"forâÂ"tat selfâÂ"shooting.
âÂ" Is that mould? âÂ" Yes, don't touch it.
It's Dean's favourite.
Listen, Lisa's prepared to see you but, to be honest, I think she's wondering if it's all worthwhile.
Hey, Hel, we cleared a clean space on the sofa, next to Waz.
Mmm, better not, Dean.
I'm actually on fish duty.
Right, OK.
(Mouths) Eugh (Phone rings) Hello? Oh, hi, Dad.
How are you? Can you lie on your back yet? âÂ" (Door opens) âÂ" Hang on one sec.
Mmm No, no, I don't know where he is Yes, I know.
Dad, I've got to go.
He's here.
Shot anyone's parents recently? How is he? Sore.
I thought maybe I could get him some kind of humorous present or No.
I miss you very much.
Good.
The last two days have been fairly I don't know what to do now.
Oh, I love you, you know? (lan) I love you.
âÂ" I'm just an arsehole.
âÂ" No, you're not.
The only thing I'll ever do to annoy you again is I don't know, I'll eat something you'll have had your eye on or something It's been horrible here without you.
I've been so upset I cleaned out the fridge.
If you left it till tomorrow, I might have started on the bins.
âÂ" I can always go away and come back.
âÂ" No, don't.
You look great up there.
âÂ" Mmm.
âÂ" You're a natural.
Are you feeling all right? Mmm.
âÂ" OK, just give her a little kick.
âÂ" No.
âÂ" Well, you have to.
âÂ" Don't come closer.
You'll set him off! âÂ" No, no, it's a she actually.
âÂ" I don't really care.
âÂ" You don't have to go over the jump.
âÂ" I know.
Not really saying yes to life, are you, Derek? Piss off.
âÂ" You on? âÂ" Yup.
âÂ" Comfy? âÂ" Yup.
OK.
Right, now, just relax your upper body but squeeze in with your knees.
No, sorry, I can't divide my body up like that.
Just just think of the horse as part of you, OK? (Clicks tongue) Walk on.
God, you've got really hot breath, Derek.
âÂ" Breath has to be hot.
âÂ" Not that hot.
It comes from a hot place.
(Helen) Bloody teachers.
Actually, this is quite fun.
No need to shout.
I'm only four inches away.
âÂ" (Horse whinnies) âÂ" Oh! Your hands Never mind.
(Clicks tongue) (Helen) God, what's that? Erm I think I'm getting, basically, an erection.
Sorry.
I didn't want you to think I was, you know, showing off.
âÂ" I'd be grateful if you didn't tell anyone.
âÂ" No, of course not.
Trot on! Now, that's all.
That's nice.
Could with a teeny weeny bit more in the way of a smile.
No, you're right.
Why should you? (Gasps for breath) QuackâÂ"quack! Aha! Ow! Well Oh! âÂ" Oh, hello.
Let me get you a chair.
âÂ" No.
No, no, I'll stand.
Can't sit anyway.
Er, well, how about a coffee or a juice for some energy? Oh, just just shut up, will you? âÂ" Nobody would let me see you.
âÂ" I'm not going to waste time.
I gather Lisa's let you move back in.
Yes, it's our house.
That's where I live.
I agreed not to press charges on the understanding that your days in Snowle were numbered.
Oh, OK.
Now, if you're staying, I'm going to have to sue you.
Grievous bodily harm, perhaps attempted murder.
âÂ" You don't mean that seriously? âÂ" Oh, I think you know I do.
It was an accident.
Oh, well, we'd had a row.
You pointed a gun at me, pulled the trigger.
Where's the accidental part? You couldn't kill anyone with that gun.
You'd be better off using a damp cloth.
You've not future here.
Why don't you just go? Just go now.
Go on.
âÂ" Because I live here.
âÂ" You never lived here.
Just stayed for a while.
âÂ" But it wouldn't be fair âÂ" She'll see it my way.
If not now, next year.
âÂ" If I went she'd go too because she loves me.
âÂ" Yah! Listen, everything, everyone she has ever loved is here.
Run out of quips? Right, OK, come on, this is what you want.
Put up your stick.
Come on, let's go.
Come on.
This is it.
Thrust and parry, isn't that what you want? Huh? Huh? Hmm? I've work to do now.
There she is.
Hello.
I'll see you tomorrow.
âÂ" Bye.
âÂ" Bye.
Are you all right? No.
No, I'm not.
No.
Your father's not going to stop, not until I'm gone.
I'm ruining my life.
I'm ruining your life.
I want to go.
I want to go now.
âÂ" I want you to come.
âÂ" Can't we talk about this later? No, now.
Get in the car.
Lan, we can fight this.
Dad's had a big trauma.
He won't take you to court.
I don't care about that.
It's about who you love more, I suppose, so it's about, you know, your family or me.
Well, why should I have to choose? I'm just tired of you making excuses for him.
He's mad.
He's old.
He's irascible.
Whatever, you know? I don't care any more.
I'm not going to come home until I know what I'm doing.
(Lisa) OK.
No, it's nice, you know, sort of random geometry theme.
It's funny, you know? For centuries and centuries, nothing but plain white bed linen.
Yeah and then suddenly you've got colourways and patterns and all sorts.
(Oinks) Get off.
(Oinks) No, no.
If we fall out, I'll, er go off and sleep with your brother.
If you can find him, tucked away in Chester.
âÂ" Oh.
âÂ" (Doorbell) (lan) Helen! Helen! âÂ" Hang on.
âÂ" Do you want me to come? âÂ" No, it's OK.
âÂ" Helen! âÂ" (Door closes) âÂ" It's OK, I'll come up.
I'm going to come up.
(Drunkenly) Helen Sorry to penetrate your privacy, Derek.
So you're in bed together.
Is that a new thing? Yes, this evening.
Fantastic! Champagne! I've never seen so much skin.
Actually, I wanted to have a chat and I thought, "Who can I talk to? "Who can I talk to? Who can I talk to?" And then I alighted on you.
Is this all right? Is this all right? It's not fantastic.
Have you heard about my little problem? âÂ" Mmm.
âÂ" Yeah.
With the mother of all fathers The way I see it is Astley's got the whole village sewn up, police, magistrates, solicitors, so he'll walk all over you.
Thank you, Derek.
âÂ" No offence, Helen.
âÂ" No, no, no, no.
It's fine.
And you, Helen? Helen of Snowle.
I don't know.
Maybe you and Lisa could find a nice house in Penfold.
âÂ" Are you all right? âÂ" I'm suddenly very tired.
âÂ" Oh.
âÂ" Can I just crash here? No, darling.
No.
Listen.
Listen.
Listen.
Listen.
Go and get some sleep.
Go on.
Absolutely right.
Absolutely right, Helen, as always.
Absol Thank you.
Thank you, Helen.
Congratulations, Derek, on having sex at last.
âÂ" Thank you.
âÂ" Derek, well done.
âÂ" Good night.
âÂ" Night.
Look awful cold without your shirt on.
âÂ" No, I'm quite warm, actually.
âÂ" Well, that's as maybe.
So So, er we got home and, erm you're right, he's quite large, isn't he? I mean, not that it matters, obviously.
Can I talk like this? Are you OK with this? Yeah.
You always said it was like finding a huge extension on the back of a small branch library.
âÂ" I didn't.
âÂ" You did.
I wrote it down on my hand.
âÂ" Oh, this is great, Helen.
âÂ" Is he seeing me to make you jealous? âÂ" No.
âÂ" OK.
âÂ" I'm beginning to think I'm no good at men.
âÂ" Come on, that's rubbish.
Lan came round last night, quite drunk.
âÂ" Oh, dear.
âÂ" Sat on the bed.
It was actually fine.
âÂ" Do you think he'll ever fit in? âÂ" Who? Lan or Derek? Sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
It's just been a long time.
Ah, I am overexcited I can't help it! On he went, hacking his way through the undergrowth with his great big jewelâÂ"encrusted machete It's a big heavy knife.
and just as he thought there was no possible way through all the dense boughs and the fronds It's leaves.
Erm hi.
Erm, suddenly, as if by magic, a space appeared in the forest.
Hello.
Oh, hello.
I, erm hesitate to intrude but one does hear things.
(Clears throat) How is your domestic situation? Changeable.
Hmm.
I'd be disturbed to lose you.
Oh, thank you.
It wasn't a compliment.
It was a statement of my position.
Oh.
I've been watching Mr Few.
He's stopped being our crybaby, has he not? Yeah, he seems happy.
Is there a specific reason do you think, or is this some sort of freak, hormonal zephyr? He's sleeping with my sister.
Ah, yes.
The pleasures of village life.
âÂ" Hi.
âÂ" lan, I'm teaching.
Er, hello, children, I'm lan.
I'm here from the police.
I'm in plain clothes.
âÂ" I'm here to talk to you about road safety.
âÂ" lan, come on.
I've been up all night.
I'm going to be outside the studio at six o'clock.
If I'm still here at ten past, my head is going to explode and end up in a field in Kent.
Lan, don't.
Don't, please.
Please come with me.
Please come with me.
Please come with me.
And always remember if you're at a TâÂ"junction to, er look around and bring a friend.
(Inaudible) (Woman coughing) Oh, sweet! Right.
(Starts engine) âÂ" Where will we go? âÂ" Don't care.
Or maybe we should stay.
Maybe I just need to be reassured.
You asked me to tear up my roots and drive off, just so you could feel reassured.
âÂ" I'm sorry.
Is that irritating? âÂ" I'm going to get that gun.
I really am.
You know how insecure I am? I did mention that.
Maybe if I get your dad a gift, you know, he'd like me.
A a tool.
If I got him a really fab pair of wellies, or a motorised hoe or something.
That's how you get out of everything, by saying stupid things.
I don't know what to do now.
Well done.
Oh, good, oh, good.
Oh! That's a bit of a throaty old smell, isn't it? (Both cough) Yeah, it was clay pigeon shooting.
It was an accident.
âÂ" There was an element of retribution âÂ" Whatever.
I mean, you know, lan, if that had been two weeks ago, I'd have had to have whacked you.
I know, I know, yeah, yeah.
But erm since Dad humiliated me, er he's become like my my foe.
Yeah.
(Snorts) âÂ" Yeah.
Do you want some coffee or? âÂ" Yeah.
My sworn foe.
Dean, why do you have to do that? To show you what a shit door it is.
I knew that.
Lan a good door pays for itself time and time again.
Mmm.
So Lisa's chucked you out, then? Yeah, she wasn't too happy with the shooting.
Oh, yeah.
I know where she's coming from.
I didn't expect her to bake me a special cake.
Ooh, cake.
She said she'd call when she didn't feel like puking every time she thought of me.
You certainly can't stay here.
That's for sure.
It's all right.
Toilet, floor.
Dean, what are you doing? âÂ" Well, you're going to come and stay with me.
âÂ" No, Dean, that wouldn't be fair.
Of course it would be fair.
We're practically soul brothers.
âÂ" Maybe I should shoot Dad as well.
âÂ" No.
âÂ" In the head.
âÂ" No.
No.
Cool.
Right, then, let's go.
Come on.
âÂ" You see, you've let the wind in now.
âÂ" Yeah.
I know it's a bad thing to do but Remember how he loved Fred Flintstone but despised Barney cos he never took the initiative.
I'm really worried that every time I look at lan, I'll just see him as a man who shot my dad.
But he's done other things.
Well, I just don't know whether we can recover from this, you know? Maybe it's all over.
No, sweet, come here.
âÂ" Oh, I love him, you know? âÂ" I know.
âÂ" I mean, I really, really love him.
âÂ" I know.
Much more than I ever loved Derek.
Gosh, you're so well out of this, you know? Men.
Hmm.
You should go out with Derek, you know? No.
But you're so lonely.
I know you are.
Secret knock.
Come on in.
Ah, erm it's a bit of an old mess, as you can see.
I mean, a lot of people ask me why, as a builder, I don't tart it up a bit.
Or at least make it structurally sound, you know? I think maybe I've got a psychological block.
It's like, if you're a butcher, the last thing you want to do when you get home is you know, butch again.
But there's loads of space, you know? I mean, there's not much gash around at the moment cos I'm between shags, not unless Waz tapped off last night.
(Vomiting) Maybe I should stay at an inn, Dean.
Phil's dossing here at the moment.
âÂ" Are you all right, Phil, mate? âÂ" Yeah, I'll be OK.
Come on.
Come upstairs.
Are your feet clean? Er, yeah.
He's been a lot worse.
Last week he was throwing up paint.
This is my inner sanctum.
What do you think? Pretty cool.
âÂ" You sleep through here.
âÂ" Er, Dean, maybe this is all a bit Waz, Chunky Chas and someone.
Anyway, I'm off to work.
I'll see you later.
(Vomiting) Hi.
Bit of a loose end.
Norriswood's giving my lot his annual chat about the importance of being nicely spoken.
Yeah, I've got that one tomorrow.
âÂ" You all right? âÂ" Mmm.
âÂ" A bit tired.
âÂ" Everything jolly at home? MmâÂ"hm.
Paul, stop copying Lynn.
Sorry I've been a bit of a pain for the last two years.
âÂ" Oh, don't be silly.
âÂ" I think I'm pretty much over it finally.
Yeah, I don't get that horrible pang any more when I imagine you being with lan.
I never told you but I used to actually, literally beat my breast to sort of dislodge the pain.
âÂ" Gosh.
âÂ" Yeah.
So you'll be ready to start going out with women again? Yeah.
Yeah, I suppose I am.
Right.
You and Helen are going on a date.
(Horn beeping persistently) (Tyres screech) âÂ" lan.
âÂ" (Lads) lan! âÂ" Hi.
âÂ" Where are you going? I thought maybe I'd spend tonight in the studio.
I offered you my hospitality.
I know but you've got so many damaged people under your wing.
I won't add to your burden.
Lan, you need the company of men in these difficult times.
Get in.
(Lads cheer raucously) I'd better get back home.
Fish to feed.
You going to be all right? You're cleaning out the fridge.
That is not the action of a well person.
I need to do something mindless.
Do you keep jam in the fridge? âÂ" No.
âÂ" A lot of people do nowadays, don't they? Lisa, you should talk to him.
However long you leave it, he won't have shot Dad any less.
I know.
I thought Dad seemed OK today.
He made a joke I think.
You know Dean's making lan stay with him? (Lisa) He's not? He'll get cholera or something.
Look, I'll drop in, see lan, ask him to come round.
âÂ" Oh, thanks, Helen.
âÂ" Pleasure.
Ah, there's something else you need to do for me.
To go on a date with Derek.
He's agreed.
No, no, no.
No, Lisa, no.
We always argue.
Do something where you don't have to talk.
He's all gloomy.
He's the sultan of gloom! No, he's not.
He's back to his old self.
âÂ" Oh, please! âÂ" Oh, all right! âÂ" Thank you.
Bye.
âÂ" God! âÂ" That's terrible.
âÂ" (All chuckle) I've got one for you.
What's red and green and âÂ" (Chuckles) âÂ" No, that won't work.
What's red and turns green? No, that won't work.
(Knocking) (Phil) Who's that? (Dean) Well, it's not Gav.
He knocks and shouts.
(Waz) Shouts and knocks.
(Gav) I normally knock and shout.
(John) Shout and knock.
(Dean) Your turn, Chunky Chas.
Chunks away.
(Hums) You're very quiet, lan.
Oh, erm I couldn't help notice that Chunky Chas isn't very chunky.
Yeah, well, he used to be but, erm we just couldn't be arsed to call him just Chas again.
All right.
(Dean) So what are your plans, then? I don't know.
I think I'm losing the will to live.
Oh, hello, everyone.
(Dean) Hello, sis.
Top visit.
Take a pew.
Thanks, Dean.
I've actually come to see lan.
Here, sis, have you met Waz? Waz? Hello, Waz.
Well, I'll see you later, boys.
Have a fun evening.
(Burping and giggling) Thank God you've come, Helen.
Please help me get out of here.
It's like being captured by wolves.
How's Lisa? âÂ" She's missing you.
âÂ" So am I.
What's going on? Why am I here? âÂ" Because you shot Dad.
âÂ" I know but I can't apologise any more.
I can't do anything except shoot myself.
A titâÂ"forâÂ"tat selfâÂ"shooting.
âÂ" Is that mould? âÂ" Yes, don't touch it.
It's Dean's favourite.
Listen, Lisa's prepared to see you but, to be honest, I think she's wondering if it's all worthwhile.
Hey, Hel, we cleared a clean space on the sofa, next to Waz.
Mmm, better not, Dean.
I'm actually on fish duty.
Right, OK.
(Mouths) Eugh (Phone rings) Hello? Oh, hi, Dad.
How are you? Can you lie on your back yet? âÂ" (Door opens) âÂ" Hang on one sec.
Mmm No, no, I don't know where he is Yes, I know.
Dad, I've got to go.
He's here.
Shot anyone's parents recently? How is he? Sore.
I thought maybe I could get him some kind of humorous present or No.
I miss you very much.
Good.
The last two days have been fairly I don't know what to do now.
Oh, I love you, you know? (lan) I love you.
âÂ" I'm just an arsehole.
âÂ" No, you're not.
The only thing I'll ever do to annoy you again is I don't know, I'll eat something you'll have had your eye on or something It's been horrible here without you.
I've been so upset I cleaned out the fridge.
If you left it till tomorrow, I might have started on the bins.
âÂ" I can always go away and come back.
âÂ" No, don't.
You look great up there.
âÂ" Mmm.
âÂ" You're a natural.
Are you feeling all right? Mmm.
âÂ" OK, just give her a little kick.
âÂ" No.
âÂ" Well, you have to.
âÂ" Don't come closer.
You'll set him off! âÂ" No, no, it's a she actually.
âÂ" I don't really care.
âÂ" You don't have to go over the jump.
âÂ" I know.
Not really saying yes to life, are you, Derek? Piss off.
âÂ" You on? âÂ" Yup.
âÂ" Comfy? âÂ" Yup.
OK.
Right, now, just relax your upper body but squeeze in with your knees.
No, sorry, I can't divide my body up like that.
Just just think of the horse as part of you, OK? (Clicks tongue) Walk on.
God, you've got really hot breath, Derek.
âÂ" Breath has to be hot.
âÂ" Not that hot.
It comes from a hot place.
(Helen) Bloody teachers.
Actually, this is quite fun.
No need to shout.
I'm only four inches away.
âÂ" (Horse whinnies) âÂ" Oh! Your hands Never mind.
(Clicks tongue) (Helen) God, what's that? Erm I think I'm getting, basically, an erection.
Sorry.
I didn't want you to think I was, you know, showing off.
âÂ" I'd be grateful if you didn't tell anyone.
âÂ" No, of course not.
Trot on! Now, that's all.
That's nice.
Could with a teeny weeny bit more in the way of a smile.
No, you're right.
Why should you? (Gasps for breath) QuackâÂ"quack! Aha! Ow! Well Oh! âÂ" Oh, hello.
Let me get you a chair.
âÂ" No.
No, no, I'll stand.
Can't sit anyway.
Er, well, how about a coffee or a juice for some energy? Oh, just just shut up, will you? âÂ" Nobody would let me see you.
âÂ" I'm not going to waste time.
I gather Lisa's let you move back in.
Yes, it's our house.
That's where I live.
I agreed not to press charges on the understanding that your days in Snowle were numbered.
Oh, OK.
Now, if you're staying, I'm going to have to sue you.
Grievous bodily harm, perhaps attempted murder.
âÂ" You don't mean that seriously? âÂ" Oh, I think you know I do.
It was an accident.
Oh, well, we'd had a row.
You pointed a gun at me, pulled the trigger.
Where's the accidental part? You couldn't kill anyone with that gun.
You'd be better off using a damp cloth.
You've not future here.
Why don't you just go? Just go now.
Go on.
âÂ" Because I live here.
âÂ" You never lived here.
Just stayed for a while.
âÂ" But it wouldn't be fair âÂ" She'll see it my way.
If not now, next year.
âÂ" If I went she'd go too because she loves me.
âÂ" Yah! Listen, everything, everyone she has ever loved is here.
Run out of quips? Right, OK, come on, this is what you want.
Put up your stick.
Come on, let's go.
Come on.
This is it.
Thrust and parry, isn't that what you want? Huh? Huh? Hmm? I've work to do now.
There she is.
Hello.
I'll see you tomorrow.
âÂ" Bye.
âÂ" Bye.
Are you all right? No.
No, I'm not.
No.
Your father's not going to stop, not until I'm gone.
I'm ruining my life.
I'm ruining your life.
I want to go.
I want to go now.
âÂ" I want you to come.
âÂ" Can't we talk about this later? No, now.
Get in the car.
Lan, we can fight this.
Dad's had a big trauma.
He won't take you to court.
I don't care about that.
It's about who you love more, I suppose, so it's about, you know, your family or me.
Well, why should I have to choose? I'm just tired of you making excuses for him.
He's mad.
He's old.
He's irascible.
Whatever, you know? I don't care any more.
I'm not going to come home until I know what I'm doing.
(Lisa) OK.
No, it's nice, you know, sort of random geometry theme.
It's funny, you know? For centuries and centuries, nothing but plain white bed linen.
Yeah and then suddenly you've got colourways and patterns and all sorts.
(Oinks) Get off.
(Oinks) No, no.
If we fall out, I'll, er go off and sleep with your brother.
If you can find him, tucked away in Chester.
âÂ" Oh.
âÂ" (Doorbell) (lan) Helen! Helen! âÂ" Hang on.
âÂ" Do you want me to come? âÂ" No, it's OK.
âÂ" Helen! âÂ" (Door closes) âÂ" It's OK, I'll come up.
I'm going to come up.
(Drunkenly) Helen Sorry to penetrate your privacy, Derek.
So you're in bed together.
Is that a new thing? Yes, this evening.
Fantastic! Champagne! I've never seen so much skin.
Actually, I wanted to have a chat and I thought, "Who can I talk to? "Who can I talk to? Who can I talk to?" And then I alighted on you.
Is this all right? Is this all right? It's not fantastic.
Have you heard about my little problem? âÂ" Mmm.
âÂ" Yeah.
With the mother of all fathers The way I see it is Astley's got the whole village sewn up, police, magistrates, solicitors, so he'll walk all over you.
Thank you, Derek.
âÂ" No offence, Helen.
âÂ" No, no, no, no.
It's fine.
And you, Helen? Helen of Snowle.
I don't know.
Maybe you and Lisa could find a nice house in Penfold.
âÂ" Are you all right? âÂ" I'm suddenly very tired.
âÂ" Oh.
âÂ" Can I just crash here? No, darling.
No.
Listen.
Listen.
Listen.
Listen.
Go and get some sleep.
Go on.
Absolutely right.
Absolutely right, Helen, as always.
Absol Thank you.
Thank you, Helen.
Congratulations, Derek, on having sex at last.
âÂ" Thank you.
âÂ" Derek, well done.
âÂ" Good night.
âÂ" Night.
Look awful cold without your shirt on.
âÂ" No, I'm quite warm, actually.
âÂ" Well, that's as maybe.
So So, er we got home and, erm you're right, he's quite large, isn't he? I mean, not that it matters, obviously.
Can I talk like this? Are you OK with this? Yeah.
You always said it was like finding a huge extension on the back of a small branch library.
âÂ" I didn't.
âÂ" You did.
I wrote it down on my hand.
âÂ" Oh, this is great, Helen.
âÂ" Is he seeing me to make you jealous? âÂ" No.
âÂ" OK.
âÂ" I'm beginning to think I'm no good at men.
âÂ" Come on, that's rubbish.
Lan came round last night, quite drunk.
âÂ" Oh, dear.
âÂ" Sat on the bed.
It was actually fine.
âÂ" Do you think he'll ever fit in? âÂ" Who? Lan or Derek? Sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
It's just been a long time.
Ah, I am overexcited I can't help it! On he went, hacking his way through the undergrowth with his great big jewelâÂ"encrusted machete It's a big heavy knife.
and just as he thought there was no possible way through all the dense boughs and the fronds It's leaves.
Erm hi.
Erm, suddenly, as if by magic, a space appeared in the forest.
Hello.
Oh, hello.
I, erm hesitate to intrude but one does hear things.
(Clears throat) How is your domestic situation? Changeable.
Hmm.
I'd be disturbed to lose you.
Oh, thank you.
It wasn't a compliment.
It was a statement of my position.
Oh.
I've been watching Mr Few.
He's stopped being our crybaby, has he not? Yeah, he seems happy.
Is there a specific reason do you think, or is this some sort of freak, hormonal zephyr? He's sleeping with my sister.
Ah, yes.
The pleasures of village life.
âÂ" Hi.
âÂ" lan, I'm teaching.
Er, hello, children, I'm lan.
I'm here from the police.
I'm in plain clothes.
âÂ" I'm here to talk to you about road safety.
âÂ" lan, come on.
I've been up all night.
I'm going to be outside the studio at six o'clock.
If I'm still here at ten past, my head is going to explode and end up in a field in Kent.
Lan, don't.
Don't, please.
Please come with me.
Please come with me.
Please come with me.
And always remember if you're at a TâÂ"junction to, er look around and bring a friend.
(Inaudible) (Woman coughing) Oh, sweet! Right.
(Starts engine) âÂ" Where will we go? âÂ" Don't care.
Or maybe we should stay.
Maybe I just need to be reassured.
You asked me to tear up my roots and drive off, just so you could feel reassured.
âÂ" I'm sorry.
Is that irritating? âÂ" I'm going to get that gun.
I really am.
You know how insecure I am? I did mention that.
Maybe if I get your dad a gift, you know, he'd like me.
A a tool.
If I got him a really fab pair of wellies, or a motorised hoe or something.
That's how you get out of everything, by saying stupid things.
I don't know what to do now.