How I Met Your Father (2022) s02e06 Episode Script

1
Son, what do you know about
the American healthcare system?
That it's free for everyone,
and I don't ever have to think about it.
Well, before President Ariana Grande
passed the "Heal U, Next Act,"
people without insurance had to hustle.
And this is the story of how your mom
had to get a little creative
to get some free therapy.
You woke Daddy! Drink! Yes!
Wow.
We're really running out
of board games to drink to.
Woo! I really needed this.
Tomorrow begins hell week.
We're styling 15 clients
for Lil Nas X's quinceañera.
- Wait, what?
- He does what he wants. Now, step off.
Hey.
Uh-oh. What's wrong?
Did your date with Oscar not go well?
- Oh God, did he recommend a podcast?
- Oh God, was it his?
Oh, God, no.
Actually,
it started off amazing.
Right away, we were in total sync.
Should we get regular fries or tots?
Why not both?
Oh, my God! The Potato Queen
has found her king!
I know!
Then, we get to the end of the date
and had our first kiss.
There was only one thing.
- Bad breath?
- Tiny mouth.
- Loose tooth!
- Fake ears.
What does that even mean? No.
Ow!
- What's wrong?
- I don't know.
Something just poked me in the chest.
Oh. I know what it is.
There's no way it was that big.
It was.
Flavor Flav would have been like, "bro!"
I-I don't know if I can date someone
who would wear that around his neck.
Alright, let's all go around
and give our hot takes.
Okay, I'll go first. Um
Necklace? Yeah!
More like wreck this guy
Wreck Hm
I don't have it. Somebody else go.
Oh, you know what? Okay.
My college girlfriend used to have
these hideous hoop earrings.
I hated them, right?
But I didn't know how to tell her.
Luckily, I walked in on her
cheating on me with her TA.
Was that helpful?
- No.
- Man!
This is why I started therapy.
Whenever I can't decide something,
I just ask Dr. Dominguez.
Ooh! Maybe you could ask her
if I'm making too big a deal
of the necklace.
- I don't know.
- Oh, please!
Come on. My insurance
only kicks in if my TV breaks.
U-uh, Sophie?
That's a warranty.
Soph, I don't think so.
We're about to work on my crippling
problem with people pleasing
Please?
Okay, I'll do it!
What's up, fam?
I'm back from visiting
the wifey in Cali,
but I've missed you, too.
Okay. We need better regulars.
Uh, but it's good to be back.
How are things?
- Yeah, great.
- Yeah?
And, uh, a-and you'll be happy to know
that nothing went wrong
whilst you were gone.
Oh, no.
Oh, my God!
Why do we have 10 new cases
of flavored rosé?
Eh
Oh no. You got swindled
by a hot sales rep.
That is completely false.
It's an adventurous flavor.
Do you consider yourself adventurous?
Oh, very.
I did not get swindled
because mint rosé is delicious.
- It tastes like liquefied ass!
- Give me that.
You wonder why
you don't have any regulars?
What do you mean Jared Leto wants
to come to the gala
draped in an Icy Hot patchwork quilt?
I'll call you back. Hey!
What are you doing here?
Uh, my temp agency
sent me. Is this your
Office. Yeah. I needed an assistant
to help me with hell week.
Wait. Since when are you temping?
Since I quit both my jobs to go on tour.
And then, I quit the tour.
And then I realized that being alive
actually costs a lot of money, so
So, why don't you go back to teaching?
Oh. Well, uh, Drew and I didn't exactly
end things on the best terms.
Jesse, every music teacher
who quits to become a rock star
eventually comes back.
This is broken. Hm
Look, Mr. Baskin left
to play drums for Tame Impala.
And you know what happened to him?
Didn't he choke to death on a taquito?
He did.
While on the six train
heading back here to teach.
Moral of that story is
everybody comes back.
Dead or alive.
And when you come
crawling back to me, yeah.
I'll probably take you in off
the streets. I'm a nice guy, Jess.
But I'll make you say, "Who's my daddy?
Drew's my daddy."
So clearly, I can never go back.
No, you cannot.
Valentina! Where are
my coconut Behave Gummies?
They're in your left pants pocket, Fred.
Oh. So, they are. Sonia!
Tape up my throwing printer,
so he's ready for my afternoon tantrum!
On it. Hey,
did you get my email
about taking off Friday
for my sister's wedding?
It's a hard no.
She probably doesn't
even want you there.
But
I'm officiating.
Still want the job?
Uh, sadly, I do.
Uh, hey, but do me a favor.
Can we just keep this between us?
All our friends look up to me.
Don't worry. I got you.
Okay. Great. Coffee?
Sure. What can I get you?
Uh, no, I was asking if you want coffee.
Right. Oh, because you work for me!
Yeah.
I'll have a tall soy vanilla latte.
You got it, boss.
Boss?
Boss.
Boss!
So, last week,
we started unpacking
why your marriage ended.
And continuing to do that
would be extremely beneficial
to my mental health.
But, first, I wanna talk
about a big necklace.
See, I've been seeing someone.
You mean Rachel, right?
Right.
Because I told you
about my girlfriend, Rachel.
Anywho, she's been wearing
an insanely large necklace
Really?
This is going in the notes
you're making about me,
off of which you'll draw conclusions
about my psychological makeup?
Perf! Perf.
You're self-sabotaging.
You really like Oscar,
so you're using the necklace as a reason
to jump ship before you get hurt.
That sounds like me. Keep talking.
You need to ask him about it.
The more you feel connected to Oscar,
the less it'll bother you.
Damn! She's good. I
love my new therapist.
Hey.
Does your therapist have any tips
on how to get rid of 10 cases
of winter fresh doo-doo water?
Nope, but I do.
Add a celeb's name to this crap,
and the world will slurp it up!
Just like when we all went crazy for
Stanley Tucci's Two-Cheese Tortellini.
Oh! Oh! And Christina Ricci's
Three Cheese Ravioli!
That's brilliant! Oh, maybe something
off the word "mint." Uh
Mint Romney!
No.
Uh, it needs to be
someone people have welcomed
into their homes,
day after day, year after year.
You know, someone
trustworthy, but feisty.
Tough, but fair.
Judge Judy.
Judy Juice!
I love her! She makes wine?
She does now.
I had a great time tonight.
I've never seen someone
eat four hot dogs.
Well, it was a buy three, get one free,
and I was trying to impress you.
- Can I ask you something?
- Mm.
What's the story behind the necklace?
Yeah. I know it's kind of a lot.
My mom passed away six months ago.
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
And that was her necklace?
This is my mom.
You mean it was your mom's?
It is my mom. We turned her ashes
into this diamond.
Oh.
Nice to meet you.
Why should
your loved one rot in the ground
when they could rest in peace
around your neck?
Okay. I know before that
I was self-sabotaging,
but this is a legitimate
deal-breaker, am I right?
I say go for it.
But you're burying the lede.
What do they do with the bones?
Check this out though. My Judy
Juice post already has 300 likes!
Told ya! I am carrying this whole group.
Oh! There it is. Judy Juice.
It has begun.
Ellen, I need you to ask Dr. Dominguez
if Oscar's necklace makes him
a sweet mama's boy
- or a total freak.
- Sophie, no.
- Ellen.
- Sophie.
So, the necklace is Rachel's dead mom
in diamond form.
- Fascinating.
- Mm-hmm.
But I thought her grandmother
was the one that died.
They're both dead. Gas leak.
All this death must have a
profound impact on your relationship.
It has a profound impact on something!
I'll tell you that!
People grieve in all kinds of ways.
So, in time, Oscar will likely realize
that he carries his mom
with him in spirit.
- So, not a freak?
- Not a freak.
- So, I can do him?
- Yep.
That was
Incredible.
God, I love therapy.
- Sorry, what'd you say?
- Oh!
Just more stuff about
how good you are at sex.
Mm! It's got bite!
It's also down-to-earth and decisive.
- Just like Judy.
- The jury's still out.
JK, I love it.
Another bottle! If it please the court.
Call the reps, order 10 more cases.
We're gonna be rich.
Can you proofread this text
I'm about to send to you?
There's no space
between "dip" and "shit."
Great. Go ahead and make that change,
and then send it to yourself.
Okay. Here are all the dresses
that Kaia Gerber said no to.
Apparently, they're
"too haute and barely couture."
Are those words?
Stop talking.
Where are we with those pumps?
Those are supposed to be greige.
Do those look greige to you?
Uh, I don't really know what greige is.
Also, I had to google what pumps are.
Greige is gray beige, pumps are heels,
and you are a dipshit!
Do you need me to write it on your face?
- Wow.
- Good, Valentina, good.
Good morning, beautiful.
I went a little crazy
and made you breakfast in bed.
What, no bacon?
Oh, my God, I was kidding, but gimme.
Hey
Do you think the necklace is weird?
Be honest.
I think, maybe with time,
you'll realize that your mom
is with you in spirit,
and you won't always
have to wear her.
Wow. That's actually really perceptive.
I know!
It's like, what am I,
some brilliant therapist?
Wow. A-are you sure?
Adios, Mama.
I'm sure.
Oh.
And then we made love
necklace-lessly.
That was
Incredible.
But it wasn't.
And that's when I realized
to have good sex,
Oscar needed his mom.
I hate it here.
What is taking so long?!
If Paul Giamatti doesn't get his kilt,
I'm gonna have you kilt!
Okay, you know what? Enough, alright?
You're acting like a
straight-up monster.
- What? No, I'm not.
- Look at your arm right now!
You're about to throw that bottle at me!
Huh? Oh!
Oh God!
I am so sorry.
It's okay.
Honestly, your cruelty is just
the tip of the iceberg for me.
No girlfriend, no job prospects.
My hip popped earlier,
so add that to the list.
So, what do we do?
How do we fix ourselves?
Come on! Just ask your therapist,
"How can I keep working for a monster
without becoming one?"
Yeah, and I need to figure out
how to get my self-worth back.
There wasn't much to begin with,
but it was all mine.
Hey!
Step away from my therapist!
I need you to ask Dr. Dominguez
if Oscar's mom necklace could be related
to his performance in bed.
Like, he has it on, the sex is good.
He has it off, the sex is bad.
Does he feel guilty for taking it off?
Should he put it back on?
No, no, no, no, no. Don't waste another
minute of therapy
on Sophie's stupid thing, okay?
- Help me figure out my terrible life!
- And mine.
Okay! Okay. I will ask her about all
of your problems.
But this is the last time
because after this,
I'm focusing on Ellen.
I have a lot of issues that
I really need to unpack
- You're the best.
- I love you!
You two guys own this place?
- Look, look! That's Judge Judy!
- Oh, my God!
Uh, ahem, Your Honor!
Uh, t-to what do we owe the pleasure?
Pleasure? I don't see
much pleasure here.
I was home, enjoying a rare day off.
Just relaxing. Got a bing on my phone.
Looked down, Instagram, and there I was.
Selling wine.
Judy Juice.
I said to myself, you know,
I don't remember making wine,
so I'm gonna ask you one time.
What the hell is going on around here?
- You tagged her official account?
- I wanted it to look legit.
Somebody pour me a glass of me.
Now. Thank you.
Oh, that's awful. Uh
who's responsible for this photograph?
Well, it was definitely a group effort,
but I certainly took the lead with it
Th-that was rhetorical.
What are all these people doing,
drinking this swill?
See, Your Honor, they don't care
what it tastes like.
They are totally blinded
by their Judy Love.
Fantastic!
- This is me?
- Yes, Your Honor.
- You two guys gonna behave yourselves?
- Yes, Your Honor.
Perfect.
Jerry, bring around the car!
I shoulda got a picture.
Oh, my God!
I've got a lot of problems this week,
so let's jump right in!
Val, you need to quit Fred Z.
Wow. Great advice, Dr. Dipshit.
Yeah, I gotta get outta there.
And Jesse,
you can get your self-worth back
by being around people who make
you feel good about yourself.
Oh, great, so I gotta meet new people.
And Sophie? Forget about the necklace.
If you really like this guy,
you need to be mature
and communicate with him
about what you need from him sexually.
What? Ew!
Oh, that sounds so embarrassing.
Maybe you didn't ask her right?
Could you just go back
No! I can't go back!
Okay, thanks to you guys,
I don't have a therapist anymore.
I'm diagnosing you with UFS.
Hm?
Uninsured Friend Syndrome.
Oh
So she dropped me as a patient.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go self-soothe,
like I used to before I had a therapist,
and watch that part in Aladdin
where he uses his third wish to
Shame on you guys.
It was working perfectly
when it was just me and Ellen.
And that's when it hit me.
People like wine. People like me.
Put those hands together,
and you got Judy Juice.
Hm. What a firecracker.
You know, there's a moment where
I really thought the three of us
were gonna become an inseparable trio.
Seriously?
I'm in the middle of
Aladdin 2: Return of Jafar.
He comes back?!
No, not about me. Ellen!
We hope you don't have plans
next Tuesday at 6:00.
I do. That's when my bocce league meets.
Well, call 'em and reschedule!
You can't reschedule a whole league.
- Shut up! We're doing a thing!
- Yeah! We got you Dr. Dominguez back!
Really? How?
Let's just say, we made some
pretty persuasive arguments.
Please! Please! Please! Please! Please!
Do it!
Oh, you guys!
You used your overbearing personalities
for good, not evil.
We had to get her back for you.
And she really is the best therapist.
I took her advice.
Okay, Drew.
You were right. I am back.
I quit the tour,
and this is the last job I had
where people actually
made me feel good about myself.
All the kids were bright-eyed,
would say super-cute things like,
"Don't worry, Mr. Jesse!"
"When you grow up,
your life will be easier."
Stupid kids.
I'm gonna need to hear you say it, Jess.
Who's my daddy? Drew's my daddy.
Yes! Welcome back. I can't believe you
actually said it.
She helped with my thing, too.
Listen up, pendejo.
You treat the office supplies
better than your employees.
When you destroy our spirits,
I don't see you taping us back together!
But that all ends today because I quit!
There she is.
He promoted me.
You are now looking at
the new junior stylist for Fred Z.
And the job comes with vacation day!
Day or days?
Day.
She was right about Oscar, too.
I should have just tried
to communicate my needs,
but instead
I had an idea I wanted to run by you.
What if, to spice things up,
I kept all my jewelry
on while we did it.
Okay.
Oh, wait, that would
be so weird! Because
Uh, well, you wouldn't have
any jewelry on.
Oh! I know.
You could put on your mom necklace
Sophie, what's going on?
You were just
so good when you wore it.
I mean her.
He dumped me on the spot.
- I'm Team Oscar on this one.
- Me, too.
Same.
I'm just gonna say this one time.
It was a magic sex necklace.
Gave him powers.
How was that for you?
It was nice.
Screw it.
Oh, Oscar!
Mom, there's no way that happened.
It's what I think happened.
I wrote a short story about it.
I'm gonna send it to you.
Please don't.