How Not to Live Your Life (2008) s02e06 Episode Script

I hate supermarkets.
The lighting's awful, the music's rubbish, the chicks have all got kids.
It's just not a cool place.
Oh, my God! It's Dave Fentiman, my old friend from school.
Aren't you going to go and say hello? I haven't seen him in years.
What if it's awkward? Just say howdy.
What's the worst that could happen? It's Don, Don Danbury.
Oh, my God.
Not you! It's Don, Don Danbury.
How's it going? Terrible.
I lost my job.
My girlfriend killed herself.
I've been diagnosed with face cancer.
But at least I've got you now.
It's Don, Don Danbury.
- What if he doesn't remember me? - Of course he'll remember you.
You said you used to be best friends.
Go on.
Go on.
Eddie, stop it! It's Don.
Sorry, mate.
You must have the wrong bloke.
Don, you silly slut! You douche bag.
I thought you didn't remember me.
Of course I remember you, you stupid ***! Dickheads Team Episode 206 Don and the Wedding I'm totally honoured, Dave.
Of course not, Dave.
I can't wait, Dave.
That's excellent, Dave.
See you later, Dave.
- Who was that? Dave.
My old friend who we bumped into at the supermarket? He's getting married next week and he wants me to be his best man.
- Can you believe that? friends.
Yes, he has other friends.
He was the most popular kid at our school.
Great Postcard from dream girl.
Does she say when she's coming back? She doesn't care about us any more.
Too busy swanning around the world.
- Tea and biscuit? - Yes.
Here you go.
I made you a cup of tea? - Why? - There is no "y" in friends.
OK.
Well, at least your spelling's getting better.
I did it cos we're mates, chums, buddies, who do things for each other, like make tea or go to Scotland to attend a wedding whilst pretending to be married.
- Biscuit? - What did you just say? - Biscuit? - No, the bit about Scotland? For some strange reason, I told Dave I'm married.
- Why? - I wanted to impress him.
I didn't want him to think I've achieved nothing with my life.
If he's such a good friend, then why can't you be honest with him? Honest? Are you mental in the face? Imagine how that would look.
So, what kind of work do you do, Don? - I don't.
- Right.
- Kids? - Nope.
Married? Girlfriend? Dog? Gay.
Tried that.
Wasn't really me.
I have absolutely nothing to show for my life.
I'll do it.
No, thanks, Gollum.
I was hoping to make Dave a tad jealous, not a tad nauseous.
You think that I would make him jealous? Well, a tad.
, that's fine - OK.
What, you'll do it? On one condition.
Sure.
What? You ask me properly.
- What do you mean? - You ask me properly.
Will you do me the honour of pretending to be my wife? I will.
Eight hours' drive with Mrs Treacher in the car.
That woman smells.
It was like driving in a shoe.
Grab the bags, Eddie.
What? I'll just be a minute.
Mr and Mrs Danbury, checking in.
Certainly, Mr Danbury.
What time do you knock off? Excuse me? What are you doing later? It's OK.
- I'm only with him for the money.
- Right.
Here's your key.
Room 301.
Thank you.
Come on.
- What did you do that for? - Stay in character, dickhead.
What if my character is that of a natural flirt? Then my character is that of a woman who can't keep a secret about her sham marriage.
Right, fair point.
Don, you tranny.
You made it! Dave! Come here.
What are you doing? Just messing around.
Who's this little cracker, then? Don't tell me you're Don's ball and chain? Ball and chain? Are you from the '70s? What? You obviously don't know who I am.
Yes, I do.
You're Dave, Don's old friend from school.
Correctamundo.
I take it he rabbits on about me all the time, right? She's a bit lippy ain't she? You were right, though.
She's, er, good to look at.
To look at? Actually, I think, Dave, I said that she was beautiful, remember? Yeah.
Something gay like that.
You said that I was beautiful? - You don't mind? - Boring! Now, are we going to get ***** tonight, or what? You try and stop me, Dave-minator.
Five me.
Still a gullible sap.
Funny, funny, the old punch joke.
I'll be honest, a part of me was thinking how nice this weekend would've been if I had brought Abby with me, but as my actual wife.
- There's only one bed.
- We're married, remember? - I'm not sleeping with you.
- Am I really that bad? Don't answer that.
Anyway, the sofa, it looks really comfy.
You were the one who said we should stay in character.
We're married.
Sleeping on the sofa isn't staying in character.
Yes, it is.
We are a couple going through a rough patch.
Thank you.
Just over there, please.
And a little something for you.
- What's that for? - For bringing the bags in.
Don't be silly.
I don't work here.
- But you earnt it.
- I couldn't possibly.
I'll be offended.
- But I Just take the fucking coin! OK.
I'll take the pound coin.
Thank you, Don.
It was nothing.
So you'll be back to pick us up on Sunday? See ya.
Have a good weekend, Don.
"Dear Mr and Mrs Danbury, "please find an itinerary for the weekend, starting tonight, "with the bride and groom's respective stag and hen dos.
" I am not sitting through some terrible Chippendale act.
Actually, Chippendales might quite be fun.
Remember, you're my wife.
Yes, I know.
Samantha Danbury.
About that Your name's not Samantha Danbury.
What's my name, Don? Remember, I came up with it on the spot.
Dave just kept asking me questions I didn't know what to do.
Yes This wife of yours, what's her name? I couldn't think of anything and then the answer just landed in front of me.
It's Mary Lou? Well, that's fine.
Why didn't I think of that? It's perfect.
It's Garden.
Garden.
That's ridiculous! That's very disrespectful to everyone called Garden.
No, it's not.
Because Garden isn't even a real name! It is.
It's your name.
Garden Danbury? I sound like air freshener.
This is amazing! You're up.
It's over.
Come again? Time to let go of my grief for Bill.
That's great.
However, we do have to leave now because we were just dropping them off.
Oh, no.
We're not leaving.
There's something I need to do.
You see, I haven't had sex in Can't remember.
Anyway, that's gotta change, this weekend, we're checking in, then were going shopping for a dress.
Come on.
Right, I'd better get going.
He'll bite my balls off if I keep him waiting.
You look amazing.
Really? No, you're an ugly moose pig.
Of course.
Right, I'd better get going.
Good luck.
Did you just kiss me? But I'm in character.
Right - See ya.
- Bye.
I was really excited about the stag do, but I was praying it wasn't going to be Tons of men getting their dicks out while chanting sport-related songs.
There he is.
The twat in the hat.
Down it! So, when's everyone else getting here? What are you talking about? This is it.
- What, it's just you and me? - Well, we've got George as well.
My soon-to-be father-in-law.
You all right, George? Where's the stripper? Rapey old toad.
Christ Let's dance! Hi, is this the hen do? You must be Garden? That's my name.
Garden Danbury.
I'm Dave's fiancee, Alice, otherwise known as Carrie.
I'm Jane, otherwise known as Charlotte.
Sorry, I don't really get the game.
We're playing "who would be who" in Sex And The City.
Right, well, I've never really watched it.
Sorry.
Did I just say that I had not seen Sex And The City? Right.
Because you're all looking at me as if I said I killed a child.
Shall we order for starter? This is going to be fun.
I wonder how the boys are getting on? Bet they're loving catching up.
There's no way I'm drinking that.
I don't think I like this game! Harder! Harder! Drink it! Drink it! So, what do you do, Garden? I'm a student.
How ghastly.
Don told Dave that you were a model.
Yes, I used to be.
More booze, please! What kind of modelling did you do? Porn, mainly.
And I don't mean the girlie, glamorous topless stuff.
I mean the proper hardcore stuff.
You know? Double penetration, come on my face, sometimes even scatological stuff.
God, I miss those days.
So, we'll just relax tonight and then tomorrow, hit the bar and find me a sex opponent.
Maybe Don's ready to go it alone.
What are you talking about? .
What are you worrying about that dickhead for? Maybe my work with him is done? Time to move on.
Find myself a new dickhead to look after.
Careful of me warts.
At the end of the stag do, Dave treated us all to a stripper.
Stripper! Stripper! I was hoping for someone more erotic.
And yes, that was the same song Dave played over and over and over again.
Toothpaste goes really well with gin.
Ever noticed that? How was your night? Mine was wonderful.
We played "who would be who" in Sex And The City.
If they actually found out that my real name's Samantha, their little minds would've just exploded.
You know? Cos there's actually a Samantha in Sex And The City! I think Dave is a dickhead.
Have you only just worked that out? I don't get it.
He was my hero.
I loved him.
Not in a sexual way.
In a sort of Gonch and Ziggy kinda way.
What could you possibly love about him? He is arrogant and he's obnoxious, he's self-obsessed.
Oh, wait! What am I talking about? You're perfect for each other.
I didn't mean that, I'm sorry.
I mean, have I changed? Has he changed? - Did we both change? - I don't know.
But I've changed.
I'm going to bed Go! God, it's so uncomfortable.
You can sleep in here.
But if you try anything, then I will roundhouse you in the prick, OK? I promise I won't try a thing.
Will you switch off the light, Don? Certainly, Samantha.
Who's Samantha? Are you seeing someone behind my back? Sorry.
I meant Garden.
That's better.
Night, Donald.
Good night, Garden.
Morning! What a night, Bestie? I tell you what, that stripper - Kept me up most of the night.
- You slept with that stripper? Yeah.
It was a right laugh.
However I seem to have woken up with a bit of an itch.
Not sure what it is.
.
What? What are you doing? We're in the hall.
Here, look.
Is this normal? If there's one penis and two balls, everything's normal.
Don, don't be a sap.
Look at my prick.
- Jeez! That's not right.
- I thought so.
It's gone massive at the end.
Yeah, on my wedding day, and everything.
It was heartbreaking.
Finding out my hero's a total cock.
Fact is, I didn't wanna be Dave's best man any more.
Look, Dave I don't know how to say this but I don't think I What, Bestie? You don't think you what? Have the rings.
I left the rings in the room.
You piss wit.
Hurry up, then! Sorry.
And if you see any prick cream on your way God this is killing me! You're going to find someone new to look after instead of Don? I have to, Dot.
It's in my blood.
Without caring, I'm nothing.
But who's my next project? That's the question.
Please! Someone help! Help me! Help me! And so we all sat and watched as Dave and his fiancee got hitched.
If anyone here has reason why these two should not be married, - speak now - Nobody say a fucking word! or for ever hold your peace.
Ladies and men.
Now, I hate giving speeches so I'll keep this one short and snappy, like my beautiful wife.
I first met Alice three weeks ago.
Some people don't think dating agencies are worth the cash, but I think today has proved them all wrong.
I'm chuffed.
Now my new papa's gonna say something.
Now I only met David last night, but I must say he knows how to have a good time.
You should've seen that stripper I couldn't believe it when he put that dildo right What a touching speech! Beautiful, beautiful.
All right.
Now the speech you've all been waiting for.
Ladies and gentlemen, Alice, may I introduce you to Sir Donald of Danbury.
This was the moment I was dreading.
This better be amazing! I mean, I just had nothing nice or amusing to say about Dave.
It was horrible.
I just wanted something to save me.
Anything! Where did he go? Ladies Dad! Dave, help! And sleep.
When you awake, you'll think I gave an amazing speech.
Wake.
Come on, Bestie.
Say something.
We live in a cynical world.
A cynical world.
So what, if Dave only met Alice three weeks ago.
So what, if he barely knows When you know you just know.
I think about when I first met my beautiful wife, Garden.
It's a great name, bite me! I think about when I first saw her.
She took my breath away.
I remember thinking, "Yeah, I'd nail her".
No, I mean, you know, because she was so utterly beautiful.
So gorgeous and charming and she was also very funny and clever.
What I'm trying to say is, if Dave feels even half of what I feel for my wife well, he's a very lucky man.
I don't know where that all came from, but it worked a treat.
What was that? That was shit.
That was my speech.
I want embarrassing stories told about me.
- I don't really have any.
- Yeah, you do.
What about that time we lost our virginity to the dinner lady? That was you, not me.
And? Well, you were 13, she was 42 and recently out of prison.
Technically, she raped you.
Is that the sort of thing you want? Yeah, that's it.
Classic.
Come on.
More like that! Excuse me.
May I just borrow my husband? Come on! There he is.
Nobody will notice if we just slink in.
- You are quite the actor, Don.
- What do you mean? All that stuff about when you first saw me.
Sorry.
I hope you don't mind.
You were just in character, though, right? Some of it was true.
Which bit? I did think you were pretty hot when I first saw you.
Where did you learn that? You're full of surprises this weekend.
Wait.
Are you sure you wanna do that? God! You must still be in character if you're being sensible.
It's just you know Can I have this dance? It depends.
Are you still fertile? I could make triplets with this son of a bitch.
Look - I know we haven't always - Don't ruin it.
I don't know.
Look, maybe it's because we're at a wedding or I've been drunk for the last 26 hours, but this feels nice.
Bizarrely.
Allow me to introduce myself.
The caring gene has been in the Singh family for generations.
- Right, I'm going to go to bed.
- But it's still so early.
I never said that I was going to go to sleep.
Maybe we should just stay in character for the rest of the night? Are we still that couple going through a rough patch? But I think we're about to make up.
Just give me five minutes.
Don was just like you when I first met him.
Hostile.
Deluded.
Obnoxious.
Are you a homo? Sapien or sexual? Right! I want you out of here, you creepy oddball.
What are you doing here? I hope you don't mind, but I've decided to look after Dave from now on.
Remove your hand now, you freaky twat.
- All right, Dave.
- If you don't leave in under a minute, I'll rip your head off and shit down your neck.
You're gonna be a tough project.
I'll take care of this.
Come here, Eddie, what are you doing? He's the freakoid you were with at the supermarket.
What's the deal with you two? ? Just because I've wiped his bum Does your missus not mind you having this little bit on the side? I'd be careful if I were you, bringing up wives and bits on the side.
Don't be a massive dickhead.
Speaking of which, how's your massive dick-head? Why are you doing this? Why are you siding with that freak? Eddie is not a freak.
He's my friend! And you know why? Because there's mutual respect.
Not like with you.
You just abuse me, call me names, tell me to do things, expect me to just jump at your orders.
That's not what we're about.
Eh, Eddie? That is kind of how you treat me.
- Now shush your mouth.
If you don't mind, I'm gonna go to my room and have beautiful, sexy intercourse with my wonderfully-named wife, Garden.
Come on, you.
What did he mean by that "bit on the side" comment? Did you mean that? We're friends? Of course.
I thought you didn't want me around any more.
I'd be a total mess without you.
You complete me.
Now fuck off, you're not invited.
Gotcha.
I couldn't believe how excited I was.
Me and Sam.
I mean, who'd have thought it? But somehow it felt right.
It felt good.
Maybe this was fate.
Abby? "Hi, Don.
Guess who? Your old flatmate.
"I've just got back to the UK.
I'm staying at my mum's for a few days at home next week.
Can't wait to see you.
Abby.
"Kiss, kiss.
" It is my husband.