Human Resources (2022) s02e06 Episode Script

1
Ahh!
- Simon!
- Darling.
You're finally here.
I've been looking forward to this weekend
for so long.
Me too.
Oh, and I got you a gift.
I had a feeling
you were gonna get me that,
so I got you somewhere to put it.
- Oh, Walty.
- Oh!
Yes, unwrap me!
I adore making love in a bubble bath.
- It's so dirty.
- And yet so clean.
Oh, Simon!
I can't believe we're having sex
everywhere but your bedroom.
Ooh, let's do it
in the shared laundry room next.
Uh, hey, are you wearing my sweater?
You're not supposed to leave
your laundry unattended.
I can't believe
we've been making love for 48 hours.
I can't believe
you can Postmates a chocolate fountain.
Yeah, it's very romantic. And convenient.
Hey, Walter,
what's going on in that noggin?
It's just the weekend's almost over,
and long distance is so hard.
I I wish you didn't have to go.
- Well, what if I didn't?
- What do you mean?
Well, humans in New Zealand
have socialized sex,
so Hormone Monsters
are basically redundant.
- Really?
- And I could use a change of scenery.
- So you'd move here?
- Yeah.
- Relocate?
- Gladly.
Change your address to my address?
Why not? Who wouldn't want
to feel this happy all the time?
Holy shit! I've wanted this for so long.
We're gonna be a real couple,
like Mickey the Mouse
and Minnie the Mouse.
Now, baby, let's go back
to the laundry room and get goofy.
Oh, Simon.
Ohh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
- That's just the way you make me feel ♪
- That's just the way you make me feel ♪
A-ha
So good, so good, so fuckin' real ♪
- So good, so good, so fuckin' real ♪
- A-ha ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
It's like I'm powerful
With a little bit of tender ♪
An emotional, sexual bender ♪
Mess me up, yeah
But no one does it better ♪
There's nothing better ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
Paul, we are killing it.
I've got a new hubby,
and you've got a new hobby.
Yeah, I even got it
over the net this time.
And the teacher
seemed less mad at me, right?
And I'm loving your hairy legs
in these itty-bitty tennis shorts.
Yeah, I-I think
they're the little alligator brand.
Aww!
Those are from CVS and that is a snail.
But go off, honey.
Oh!
She's good.
Hmm.
- Paul! Paul!
- Oh.
- Paul?
- Paul!
My name is Paul.
I feel kinda weird.
Like I drank soda too fast.
It's called getting horny.
Maury? Is that you?
Paul, you old scamp,
I haven't seen you in forever.
How are we fucking Evelyn tonight?
For the love of God, Maury,
read your client's files.
Evelyn passed away last year.
- Yikes. My condolences.
- Ugh.
But, uh, congrats on being horny.
That's nice. That's good for you, right?
It's good to It's fun to be hard.
Oh, I guess I am rather aroused.
Is Is that okay?
It is most certainly not okay.
Yeah, that's right.
Your wife's corpse is still warm.
Oh God.
And your wrinkly old balls
are dripping out of your snail shorts.
Oh, come on!
What? His whole situation
looks like a sad turkey.
Hey, just because he's old and gross,
doesn't mean he can't be horny.
- Uh, thank you?
- And what are you even doing here?
I'm his protégé.
Yes, they're shadowing me,
so that I might mold them in my image.
- Eww!
- Montel is the clay and I, the potter.
- Stop it, please.
- Everybody, shut it.
Paul has grieved,
and now his penis is erect,
so let's all work together to figure out
what to do with this boner, okay?
He could stick it in the ground
with his dead wife.
Oh, Montel,
you sure "served" him.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Well, the good news is
I'm not erect anymore.
No, that's terrible news.
We want you like the Saturday crossword.
Always hard.
- Ugh, troubled sigh.
- Something wrong, Emmy?
Well, if you must know,
it's my client, Sarah.
- She's totally ignoring me.
- Well, I'm sure that brings her peace.
Ever since I asked her about her mother,
she and Van have been shutting me out.
And Van built a wall around her.
A wall, wow. That's something
I wish my cubicle had.
Pete, help me.
Okay, I give up.
What's the deal with Sarah's mom?
I don't know. I mean, she won't say.
And I assume you already tried
the Memory Bank?
No, I didn't try
the Memory Bank.
Why are you mad at me?
Because it's a good idea,
and I don't wanna do it.
Ugh! Emmy! Now my outgoing
is mixed with my incoming.
All right, time for my
three-o'clock yogurt,
the bridge to dinner.
Hold on now. My special yogurt,
it's not in its special place.
How am I to get an old man hard
on an empty stomach?
I'm telling you, Walter,
it's a good suggestion.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
I just got some very disturbing news
right before I walked in here.
Uh-huh. Well, your child and Lionel
were just suggesting
that maybe Paul should lop off his penis
and throw it into an incinerator.
The incinerator was my idea.
What? We're not gonna incinerate it.
We're gonna take pictures of it.
Put it on the apps. Make it a star.
Okay, I love where your head's at, Maury,
but maybe instead of dick pics,
we try online dating?
I think we're saying the same thing,
but sure, yeah.
- Online dating?
- Paul's gonna get catfished.
What if he ends up
in a shipping container with no kidneys?
No, no, no, no, no.
He's gonna meet new people,
and it'll be great.
Yeah. He's gonna fuck new people,
and it'll be anal.
It's not gonna be great or anal.
- It's gonna be awkward.
- And terrifying.
Also, his body is weird now.
Indeed, nobody wants to fornicate
with a clammy old man.
Wrong. Old people sex is the best.
You already know what you're doing,
and everyone's skin is so loose,
it's way easier to eat ass.
No, thank you. I'll stick to my yogurt.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop the clock.
Is that my yogurt?
Well, it wasn't labeled, you see.
I assumed it was up for grabs.
What? Nothing in an office fridge
is "up for grabs." That would be weird.
Oh, relax, Mama Maury.
- That's a weird thing to say.
- It's just a yogurt.
What a weird fucking guy.
All right,
we're all a little on edge here,
but let's just calm down,
do the online dating thing,
and never talk about yogurt again.
It's actually quite delicious.
- Here you go, Montel. Open wide.
- Mmm!
Oh, boysenberry.
Okay, I'm not gonna sit here
and watch you feed my child my yogurt.
And you better believe
I'm gonna slam this door.
Damn it, guys.
Now I don't even remember
what we were talking about.
Oh, Paul's old, weird body.
Honey, I'm home.
Oh my God,
I've always wanted to say that.
And I've always wanted to hear it.
Uh, Simon, honey, did you eat hot chili
out of my grandmother's china?
Yes. It had paintings of trees on it,
and I could not resist.
- Is that okay, baby?
- Oh, of course.
It's just a bowl.
An irreplaceable antique bowl
that I'm not obsessed with in any way.
Marvelous.
Now, let's have wet and wild sex
on your suede couch.
Oh!
Simon.
Oh!
Oh, sorry about my follicle leavings.
It's, uh, my monthly pube shedding.
Monthly? Oh dear,
and it got in the chocolate fountain.
Oh, yeah, I guess a little bit did.
Well, I just won't look at it.
I have the best night planned for us.
I picked up some Thai food,
and Bachelor in Paradise
is about to start.
Ooh, I don't watch human television.
Oh my God. Why?
Well, I suppose because their shows
are utter garbage.
- What?
- Uh, I just find them to be cringe.
- Cringe?
- Cringe.
- Cringe?
- Yeah, it's just cringe.
- Does that mean you don't like it?
- Maybe you just record it.
Mmm, but if I don't watch it live,
I can't participate in the group chat,
and I'm really funny in there.
But, baby, I put on my sexy T-shirt.
It is your sexy T-shirt.
It says so right there.
- Hey, now, what's going on in that noggin?
- Nothing.
Nothing. Let's
skip the show
and have soul-shattering sex again.
Outstanding.
Cassie fell off a boat?
Shit. I got jokes for that.
"Widowr."
"The app for people of a certain age,
dating in their final stage of life."
Oh, that's you! You're almost dead.
Indeed! Ha ha!
No, not "ha ha."
What's the first question, Paul?
Well, the thing wants to know
what's my best feature?
Your high cholesterol?
Your, uh, decomposing wife?
No. It's your sweet hog. Your dong.
Your five-dollar footlong,
packed with ham and turkey
and shaved-up lettuce.
I'm sorry. What?
I'm hungry because someone stole
my three-o'clock yogurt.
Wasn't labeled.
All right, all right, all right.
How about this?
"I'm a six-foot-tall man,
and I am looking for a lady."
Holy moly!
- I already got a match!
- Whoo-hoo-hoo!
- All right, Paulie! You got a date.
- Yes!
It's so fuckin' easy for tall guys.
Hi. Um
Welcome to the Memory Bank,
where you can always bank on us.
Aw, that's cute. I need
Scan your badge. The memories
are through there. We close at six.
Oh, well, actually,
I've never been here alone,
so could you maybe find
the stuff I'm looking for,
and I'll wait here
and play on my phone?
Also, do you have a charger?
Young lady, I am quite busy keeping track
of every memory in the history of forever.
But do
Simply say the memory you're looking for,
and walk through a door.
If you're not a complete imbecile,
it should be there.
Okay, um Sarah's past. Woo!
Oh, stop that. Just open it.
All right, all right.
Yeah, I hope it isn't weird that I used
to fuck a lot of these dogs.
Damn, this one's way too recent. Um
Younger Sarah!
Oh, good. I had to pee anyway.
Yeah, my favorite classic rock band
is Vampire Weekend.
Aw, look at you,
in your cute little emo phase.
But I need to see you with your mom.
Sarah's mom memories!
Ooh, fun! Spin cycle.
Whoa!
What the fuck? Where am I?
Um
Sarah's mom big fight.
Hmm.
Um, mom plus bitch plus Sarah?
Ugh!
Mr. Memory Banker, sir?
Your bank sucks dick.
My bank most certainly
does not "suck dick."
Oh my God. Can you feel this?
Ohh, my face! My brain!
Oh, shit! I-I'm so sorry.
- I'm fine. It's hologram humor.
- Oh.
L-O-L.
What do you need?
There's a glitch. I-I keep asking
for memories about Sarah's mom,
but all I get is this empty void.
That means the memories are buried.
You'll need to dig.
Oh, so, like, manual labor?
Get on with it, we close at six.
Come on!
I mean, my arms are pretty,
but I'll tell you,
there's no muscles in there.
Ugh!
There's pubies in my Tumi.
Oh yeah. Pretty exciting
about you and Simon Sex.
Yeah, he's a real catch
and a thorough lover.
You must be very excited.
Yes, of course. So excited.
But if I'm being honest,
having Simon in my space all the time
is a little different
than him just visiting.
- Hello, love.
- Oh! Simon!
My boo. Yay!
Well, I just finished my interview
with Grace.
And I'm gonna be honest. I nailed it.
Right. The office transfer.
You know, when it goes through,
we'll be eating lunch together every day.
Yes
because in addition to living together,
we will also be working together.
Spending every waking moment together.
Like Gilligan,
and his husband, Mr. Skipper.
We can even carpool. Just us two.
Simon and Walter. Walter and Simon.
Together forever, no interruptions.
Hey, Walter,
what's going on in that noggin?
I, uh Hoo, it's suddenly
very hot in here.
Walter, baby.
- You okay?
- Yeah, what's going on in that noggin?
- What the fuck?
- Looks like you need a bubble bath.
Ahh! I I gotta go.
- Ah!
- What's going on in that noggin?
What's going on in that noggin?
- Ahh!
- What's going on in that noggin?
Stop it, all of you! Leave me alone!
- Die! Die! Die! Die!
- What's going on in that noggin?
Die!
Darling, you've completely destroyed
your luxury lunch bag.
- What's going on in that noggin?
- Nothing. Just blowing off some steam.
You know me. I love to stab to relax.
Same. The blade in your hand
is so soothing.
Yeah, stabbing's nice.
- Hello, Maurice.
- What the hell do you two want?
Montel explained
that consuming unlabeled food
is bad fridge etiquette,
so I got you these yogurts
to replace the one I ate.
No! Fuck off!
Those aren't even the right ones.
Come on, now.
I want my daddy and my idol to get along.
Whoa, whoa, I thought he was your mentor.
Idol seems much bigger than mentor.
I mean, well, what do you call
someone you worship
and ultimately wanna be exactly like?
Me. You should wanna be like me.
Well, it seems Montel has spoken.
I am their idol, and they want you
and their idol, which is me, to get along.
- So what do you say?
- I say
Fuck your yogurt, shitty wizard bitch.
Very mature, Dad.
- Now, Maury
- Don't "Now, Maury" me.
He thinks I want
his stupid apology yogurt?
Is it possible
this isn't about the yogurt at all,
but really about Lionel
stealing your child?
You sound so fucking stupid
right now, Connie.
Okay.
This is about my yogurt,
and giving an old man
a big fat bone-dog, okay?
Fucking Lionel!
Yes, Simon, you can adjust the thermostat.
Sixty-nine degrees is fine.
Yes, I get it.
- I, uh, I gotta go.
- Walter, my l
Hey, Grace, what's up?
I'm here for Simon's recommendation
for his transfer.
But if it's a bad time,
we still have to do it.
Yes, of course. His transfer.
This is really just a formality,
so just give me your A-okay,
and I'll stamp the paperwork.
My A-okay?
We'll be together always. Cringe.
At home and at work. Cringe.
Your days of reality television
are over. Cringe.
Cringe! Cringe!
He's an embezzler.
An embezzler?
Yes. A thief. A stealer. He steals.
Company money specifically.
- And then he hides it.
- Really?
In his defense,
it is to pay for needle drugs.
Jesus!
- So, do you need anything else?
- No, I don't think so.
Well, arson too, if you need it.
Jesus, Sarah,
why'd you bury these memories so deep?
Ooh!
Me thinks
me found me buried treasure.
Wait, wait, wait! Whoa.
Make a wish.
Oh! That must be the mom.
Shh. Don't tell your dad.
Best mom ever.
- Where do I look? Cheese.
- Mom, no, just smile.
We look ridiculous.
What's Sarah's problem with her?
The doctor says, with chemo and radiation,
I should make a full recovery.
Okay. Promise?
Hun, we gotta trust the doctor.
She's right.
I've got a good feeling about this.
Oh no. I kinda don't.
Yeah, we're gonna try
another kind of chemo,
and they feel really hopeful about it.
Well, that's that's good.
And I'm sorry work's been so crazy,
but I'm I'm gonna take the train up
and I'm I'll see you soon, okay?
I-I promise.
Fuck work, see her now.
I just, uh I don't wanna see my mom
in a hospital bed.
No, no, you have to go in.
Like with the tubes and everything.
Hey, she wouldn't want you
to see her like that.
Yeah, it's okay.
She'll be home in a couple of weeks.
No, Sarah.
Exactly. You don't have to put yourself
through that right now.
- You'll see her when she's home.
- Wait. Don't leave!
Hey, Dad.
Um, yeah, can I call you back?
What? No. No, no, no, that's not possible.
No, she was supposed
to come home next week.
- Fuck.
- No, no, no, no, no.
No. What are you talking about?
Mmm.
I am so sorry, baby.
Whoa! Ow!
Oh my God, Sarah.
You never got to say goodbye.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Why am I so nervous?
It's just eating dinner.
I do this every night.
Yeah, but it's not every night
you have Sexy Stranger for dessert.
Paul, I don't want to alarm you,
but if you get another boner in here,
you will get MeToo'd,
and you're too old to start jail.
Oh my God, you're right.
I-I don't think I can do this.
Nor should you. Don't you agree, Evelyn?
Who, me?
His dead wife who he forgot?
I'd rather he not have gross sex
with a stranger.
Paul, don't listen to them. I
I know that kid.
That's That's not Evelyn.
Uh, Walter, what do you think?
Um, well, I think sometimes it's
completely okay to bail on a situation,
even if you have to make up
outrageous lies to, um, do so.
- Yeah. You're right. I should bail.
- Let's bail.
Bailing feels good right now. Let's go.
- Paul? Is that you?
- Oh, shit!
- She's here! She's here!
- Um
- Deb?
- Were you just leaving?
No, no, I-I was just stretching my back.
Okay.
I should probably stretch my back too.
Oh, wait. I'm dead.
- Uh, hey, guys.
- Oh, hi, Emmy.
Are you here
for some more true-love bullshit?
No, uh, actually,
I-I just came to say I understand.
Sarah, I dug a hole in your brain,
and I get it now.
- What are you talking about?
- I found out about your mom.
- Ugh.
- That must've been so horrible.
Of course it was horrible.
She was my best friend.
No, don't listen to her, Sarah.
She's just trying to make you feel shitty.
- You know what? Let's just get outta here.
- Wait, no!
I-I'm just trying to help.
- Hi. I'm Paul.
- Well, hi.
- Welcome to dinner.
- Nice to vigorously shake your hand.
Ooh! A handshake, the doorknob to sex.
Please rest your thighs.
Yeah, sure.
That's how humans talk.
Okay, okay. A little host, I see.
So, you are a woman
in the world.
This date is bad.
You're a bad dater, Paul.
Shit. Maybe
Maybe we should've rehearsed this?
I am a woman in the world,
and you're a man,
but that's about all I know
since your profile was so mysterious.
Ooh, you're a mystery, Paul.
Tell her your balls are a clue.
Don't talk about your balls.
Ball talk is a one-way ticket to jail.
Okay, everyone quiet!
I'm sorry.
I'm a little nervous.
I-I don't really know what to say.
This is my, uh, first first date
in 40 years.
- Oh, Big Daddy Paul, I get it.
- Wait. You do?
- Of course.
- Really?
I was so nervous on my first first date,
I ended up showing the guy pictures
from my husband Robert's funeral.
That's a relief!
You know,
I've actually been trying really hard
not to say my dead wife's name
since you got here.
- Paul, you wanna say it real quick?
- I do. It's Evelyn. Thank you.
Feels good, huh?
Okay, this is actually very sweet.
Now, order the meatballs,
so you can see how wide her mouth goes.
Sarah, please stop.
I I know you're sad about your mom.
Shut up!
What the fuck?
You're throwing rocks at me now?
You're so immature.
Just go away.
No, Sarah needs me.
She needs her Lovebug.
- Ugh. Move!
- No!
- Move!
- No!
- Sarah!
- Tell her to stop.
No, tell her to stop.
What the fuck?
To Robert and Evelyn.
May they not smite us from heaven.
Evelyn might be, but Robert?
I don't know if Robert's in heaven.
- Dad?
- Sarah.
- Wait.
- Sweetie.
That's her dad?
Yeah.
His dead wife is her dead mom.
Does nobody read the files?
Hi. What What, uh
What are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
What are you doing here?
Uh, well, I'm kind of, uh, on on a date.
Oh, a date! Cool.
Yeah, this is Deb.
Uh, I met her on the Internet.
- Well, that's fucking gross.
- Oh, no she didn't!
I actually think she did.
I'm sorry, Internet lady.
I'm sure you're probably very nice,
but, Dad, how could you do this to Mom?
- Sarah.
- I thought your wife was dead.
She is, right? I've been duped before,
I will not be duped again.
I'm sorry, Deb. I I gotta handle this.
Yeah, sure.
Your profile didn't say
you had kids either.
- I can't believe I can't believe him.
- Sarah, please stop.
Ple Honey, it was never my intention
to hurt you.
Hurt? I'm not hurt, Dad. I'm pissed.
Mom just died.
Oh, sweetie, it's been almost a year.
And I miss her every day.
- I miss you too.
- Don't do that.
Now I call you and text you all the time,
but you never respond.
And, you know, I get it. I get it.
You feel bad about everything with Mom.
Please, just stop.
No, no, your mom knew
you wanted to be there, kiddo.
I don't wanna talk about it, okay?
So good for you. You're moving on.
Have fun with your sexy new life.
- Uh, no. Sarah, please.
- Bye, Dad.
- Nice work, Sarah.
- What? No, it wasn't.
Hey, Paul.
This is a lot for a first date,
so I gots to go,
and we gots to go Dutch.
Uh, yeah, yeah, okay. Sure.
Ain't no man
just gonna leave me with the bill.
Nuh-uh, not this time.
I joke, but I don't play.
Not me, Mr. Tall Tennis Man.
Sarah, go back and talk to him.
He's your dad. He loves you.
Don't listen to her.
She was wrong about Ben,
she snuck her way into your memories
Only because you guys
wouldn't tell me about her mom.
Stop talking about her.
See? She's a shitty Lovebug.
Okay, yeah,
I am a shitty Lovebug sometimes.
But I am good enough to know
that you really loved your mom.
- Jesus! She did it again.
- Sarah, please.
Just stay away from me, Emmy.
Okay? I'm done.
Done? What does that mean?
It means you're fired.
- What? You can't do that.
- Honey, I think she just did.
But you need me.
Oh, everything's a mess!
This is what happens
when you let people get too close.
- Uh
- Sorry.
I'm going through
some personal stuff.
- Maurice?
- Oh, hello, Lionel.
What are you doing in my office?
I realize I may have overreacted
a little bit about the yogurt.
- Yeah, I'll say.
- And while you may be Montel's mentor
- Idol. Thank you.
- Whatever.
I will always be their father,
and you cannot take that away from me.
Yes, well, if you say so.
- And so, I am sorry.
- Oh!
Well, that's very, uh
that's very mature of you, Maurice.
Yes, well, I'm very mature.
And now, out of respect,
I shall back out of your office,
never showing my rear,
clenching ever so tightly.
Uh, hang on, Maurice.
One of my Nazi dildos seems to be missing.
Oh?
Yes, Adolf Tickler, I believe.
Di Did you
What? Steal your favorite dildo
and stick it up my ass?
Yes.
And then offer you a fake apology
with said dildo still in my ass?
- Precisely.
- And then, what?
Uh, proceed to walk out ass-backwards,
leaving you none the wiser?
I am the wiser.
You obviously did all of that.
Anyway, it's getting late,
so toodle-oo. Gotta go.
Oh, very good.
Maurice, those are purely decorative,
for display only!
It's worth nothing now.
Honey I'm home.
- Walter, we need to talk.
- Oh, um, okay.
So I just spoke with Grace,
and, apparently,
you gave me a very weird recommendation.
What? No. You are so random.
Now, I may be cuckoo bananas,
but it seems like
you don't really want me here.
Oh, sweetie, that's not it.
It's just that I worry
if you stay, I'm going to kill you.
Okay, but I don't wanna be with someone
who wants to murder me.
Not again, at least.
It's a very stressful kink.
Well, if it helps,
I don't want to kill you.
But having you all up in my space
makes me, uh cringe?
Am I using it right?
- You're not.
- Shit.
I'm just confused, Walter, because
I thought this was what you wanted.
I thought so too.
I guess it's easier for me
to do intimacy 48 hours at a time.
You gotta let people in, Walter.
And not just on the weekends.
I know, but, for now, can we just go back
to the way things were?
I'm sorry. I can't.
I only go backwards
if I'm hiding a dildo up my ass.
Yeah. That makes sense.
And again, I'm sorry about all the pubies.
I'm not used to cleaning up after myself.
- Usually my butler does all that.
- I'm sorry. Your butler?
Oh, Walter, it's number eight,
my favorite chopper.
My pilot is so nice.
Your pilot? Hold up.
Wait, wait, wait. You rich?
I'm gonna miss that noggin!
Damn, I fucked up. He rich!
My booty worth a billion ♪
My kisses worth a million ♪
My goodies worth a trillion ♪
So, bitch, I'm rich forever! ♪
My booty is a Louis ♪
My coochie is a Gucci ♪
My bawdy is so boujie ♪
So, bitch, I'm rich forever! ♪
I ain't got no car
But, boy, I'll drive you crazy ♪
I don't need your heart
Just keys to the Mercedes ♪
I can't give you cash
Just ass pics on the daily ♪
You just gotta ask
I'll be your sugar baby ♪
These abs, they six figures ♪
In Forbes for being fine ♪
They say "twerk," I work, bitch ♪
Like I signed a W-9 ♪
Why would I cook in the kitchen
When my body's a whole meal? ♪
And when they ask me for my number
I tell 'em ♪