iCarly (2021) s02e06 Episode Script

1 ♪ CARLY: Ow.
Are you still feeling sorry for yourself? You gotta shake this off.
I can't.
I am totally blocked for new sketch ideas.
And look at these comments.
"Remember when iCarly was funny?" It's like, words hurt, MilkMilkLemonade69.
I'm sorry, Carly.
You're just in a little rut.
You'll shake it off soon.
Maybe by taking a shower.
I know.
I should be more like you.
Most people should.
It's like you didn't even notice Dutch was on that "Worst Dressed" list.
Dutch was on what? No! I styled this outfit! Aw, I lost my mojo.
I'm a total failure, and everything sucks, and nothing will ever get better, and your thing won't get better either! Lotta snacks in here.
Got any wine? Red or white? I know ♪ You see ♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪ And be so wonderful ♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪ It's your time to be ♪ There's no chance unless you take one ♪ And the time to see the brighter side ♪ Of every situation ♪ Some things are meant to be ♪ So give your best and leave the rest to me.
♪ ♪ Carly! Hey, are you okay? Yeah, why? You texted me, "Come to the studio.
911.
" You weren't responding, so your mom said throw 911 on a vague text.
(SCOFFS) She abuses it.
She texts 911 every time Kelly Ripa's on TV.
She loves her arms.
I'm sorry I've been MIA.
With the Kevin app, Pearl, Millicent, Kelly Ripa I just don't have very much time for iCarly.
Or "IRL Carly.
" Which is why I've come up with something brilliant to get us out of our rut.
I asked our fans to send in ideas for what they want to - see me do on iCarly.
- Oh.
Whoa, so many! All right, cool, well Let's delete all the ones from Mandy Valdez and any with the word "feet" in the file name And that leaves us with two.
Fredward, it's your mother.
I'm dying.
Joy Behar is in for Kelly Ripa today.
Huh? Carly, ciao.
Or, as they say in Seattle, where I live now, hello.
Oh, my God.
It's Paul.
That's Paul? Your producer from Italian QVC? Yeah.
I haven't seen him in forever.
He's the best producer that I've ever worked with.
In Europe.
I made the jump from producer to manager, and I would love to represent you.
Huh.
You know, I never really thought about getting a manager, but this could be exactly what we need right now.
(SCOFFS) We've been making iCarly for 15 years.
What do we need this guy for? Now, you're probably wondering, "What do we need this guy for?" Oh.
That was cool.
Come on, that was cool.
So I'm guessing you didn't receive many useful submissions.
Nowadays, people want to drive traffic to their own platforms, not boost yours.
They are, as we used to say in Italy, narcisista.
(LAUGHS, SNORTS) I have so many ideas to take your show to the next level.
Nope.
We do not need some rando coming in here, and telling us what to do.
No.
Paul is no rando.
Look, he's got big clients.
The Tiny Psychic.
Mayor Pete.
Oh, not the guy who ran for president, a beagle named Pete who's in charge of the town.
(CELL PHONE BEEPS) Ah, shoot.
There's a crisis with the Kevin app.
A therapy fox got into a therapy henhouse, and you can imagine how that went.
Uh, we can talk about this another time, okay? Aw, look at Mayor Pete breaking ground on a new library.
Oh.
No, he's just hiding a bone.
♪ If you had asked me six months ago to design the uniforms for your restaurant, I would've open-hand slapped you in the face.
Ooh, with rings on? Why am I excited? I need to unpack that.
But now, since I'm a complete failure, I figured a low-stakes job might help me get my mojo back.
- You ready? - Shh! You're not.
Jack, get out here! And show Spencer his new server uniforms.
You hate it.
Hate is a strong word.
- That describes how you feel? - Yes.
Can you even move your arms? Oh, I can't move anything.
But can you take a picture? I feel like Rihanna.
Harper, this is a disaster! Shay What is getting reviewed by a restaurant critic for the first time tonight and, unlike Rihanna, our servers cannot serve.
Jack, you can go.
Actually, I can't.
Both my legs are asleep.
You have to let me fix this.
There's no time.
Look, I'll just stick with the old uniforms.
It's no big deal.
Yes, big deal! I'm nothing sans mojo.
Your mojo is still required, but your assignment has changed.
Come sit at the bar later, and talk about how delicious everything is, loud enough for the critic to hear.
I have always fancied myself an actress.
Mm.
Delicious.
My God.
Meryl could never.
♪ Freddie! Freddie? Carly? What are you doing here? Well, you're dressed like a chicken, so What the cluck? The fox has been loose for hours, and Freddie can't catch him, so I suggested he try and trick it into thinking he was a chicken.
Obviously, I said no, but then Pearl bit her lip in this really cute way, like It's cute when she does it.
Why are you here? I wanted to talk more about Paul.
- Ugh.
- You've just been so busy, and I think it might really be helpful to have someone else on the team.
Honestly, I'd rather not.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh.
Shoot.
I really thought you were gonna say yes, so I'm sorry, too.
Hey, anybody looking for a fox? This guy just loves me.
That was amazing.
Freddie, the fox must've seen your chicken costume.
Come on.
Go home, friend.
Paul, this is Freddie.
He's usually not in a chicken costume.
Yeah, I was gonna say, "What the cluck?" - I just made that joke.
- 'Cause it's really good.
- Yeah! - (BOTH LAUGH) Funny how I didn't laugh either time.
Freddie, I-I came down here to ask you a question.
Um Did you want iCarly to be the most successful web series in history? Or did you want it to just be like a massive failure? I mean, probably the most successful web series in history.
Duh.
You don't have to answer a question like that, Freddie.
(INHALES DEEPLY) It begins.
What begins? This is a partnership.
Get ready for greatness, guys, 'cause I've been brainstorming and I've got some really, really great ideas.
Freddie, do you want me to share those great ideas or just keep them to myself? Well, answer the man.
- Share? - It begins.
I thought it already began.
Oh, it's begun.
First, focus on merchandising.
Create content that features things you can sell, like an iCarly doll.
Ooh! Can my doll wear glasses? I've always wanted to see what I'd look like with glasses on.
She can be as visually impaired as you want.
Next great idea, live tour.
Podcasters make bank on the road, why not you, Carly? Oh, no.
Freddie won't go on tour.
He watched a Dateline about hotel sheets, so Cool.
Now, my last idea it's actually not great.
It's amazing.
Would you guys mind if I just shake things up a little bit, and throw out an amazing idea? No, Paul.
I don't mind.
So it begins.
- For a third time? - That's right.
Thrice begunst.
Collaborate with other influencers.
It Carly, there's simply no better way to introduce you to new fans.
I can get you a collab with The Tiny Psychic.
You shut your dirty mouth! (LAUGHS) What do you think, Freddie? Do you want to make the greatest episode of iCarly in history? Or do you want it to just be like some massive Don't do Paul's thing.
I will agree to it, but please don't do Paul's thing.
Absolutely.
But it begins! - (LAUGHS) - She did it again.
I did it again.
But I'm done now.
♪ ♪ Wow! She's even tinier in person.
You know what's not tiny? Her list of ex-husbands.
Seven.
All dead.
Hey, sorry I'm late, but, uh You probably knew that was gonna happen, right? (LAUGHS) Doesn't work like that.
In five, four, three, two Carly, we'll be doing your past, present and future card readings today.
Oh.
Do you know how I die? No, don't tell me.
Do tell me.
Is it poison? - I hope it's poison.
- (CELL PHONE CHIMES) Uh, shoot.
Sorry.
Um, someone's texting me about the Kevin app.
I'll just I'll silence it.
Should we just shoot it on my phone? I've got a prototype of the 2023 PearPhone.
It has, like, 11 cameras.
(CLICKS) Just CAT scanned your brain, bro.
We shoot iCarly on my equipment.
First, your past.
The chicken card.
The chicken represents possessiveness, extreme sensitivity and being too busy to do your job.
Pfft.
Seriously? How much did you pay her to say this, Paul? I don't know what you're talking about.
Chicken card? I was literally just dressed like a chicken.
Carly, the next card is your present.
Ah, yes, the fox card.
Oh, come on! - What? - Fox card? I bet the fox card is all the things Paul is.
The fox represents confidence, cleverness, and beginnings.
(YELPS) I did not tell her to say that.
Okay? But I told you it has begun.
Look, I'm not the fox, you're not the chicken, right? Let's just start over and use my sick PearPhone that only I and Tom Cruise have.
This is exactly why I didn't want to bring him on, okay? He's just trying to make me look bad.
- Give me that.
- Why? - I thought you didn't want it.
- Well, now it's the only way - CARLY: Hey.
- we're gonna be able to shoot the segment.
Can you guys just try to work together? Please! (SCREAMS) My crystal ball! It was a marble.
This is all your fault.
Look, I'm sorry, but I cannot work with this guy.
Okay? It's either him or me.
Ah, that's exactly what a chicken would say.
Oh! So I am the chicken.
♪ All right, ladies, you guys are like my food critic test run, so what do you think? Tomatoes? In the winter? So help me God, if there's blueberries in my dessert, I'm gonna scream.
I guess this dump has never heard of a little thing called "seasonality.
" Uh, we've heard of it.
We just decided to go in a different, less fresh direction.
Thank you for helping out.
Honestly, thank you.
It's been good to get my mind off my lack of mojo.
I'm going method.
Harper is a 29 year-old stylist who's rude to waiters.
I want to move! It's drafty! All right, he's here.
Time to shine.
Good evening, fine sir.
Before I seat you, may I take your coat off, which you're not wearing? If it's okay, I'll just walk around.
I ate before I came.
Good call.
Wish I had done the same.
They served us tomatoes in this weather.
Where are we, Portugal? (BOTH LAUGHING) Her mouth says Portugal, but her humor says Catskills.
Uh-huh.
All right, this guy's a weird one.
You're gonna have to really sell it.
Mmm Even I, whomst is famously rude to waiters, cannot be rude when the food is this delectable.
Mmm.
I would've expected something more believable.
Instead, you're giving desperate stylist posing as an actor.
A little more derivative than your other work, but okay.
Wait a minute.
What do you mean, "my other work"? This is an art installation, right? Or did the Spencer Shay quit making art to open a restaurant? Guess you had nothing left to say.
Pity.
Uh You thought this was a restaurant? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You were right.
This is an installation.
You're literally in the art.
You are the art.
"Yart.
" Would you excuse me, please? (SIGHS) Okay.
He's not a food critic.
He is an art critic, so we need a new plan or we kill him.
Those are the only two options.
Maybe it would help if my character were French.
(STEREOTYPICAL FRENCH LAUGH) Garçon, croissant ! BOTH: No.
♪ Oh, you're safe.
Can't believe I fell for "911 quicksand.
" How'd she get you to come? She just asked me.
Follow me, guys.
What is this? It's an opportunity for the two of you to learn how to work together, to become the team that I know you can be.
It's an escape room.
(TIMER COUNTING DOWN) I really wish I had peed.
Freddie, inizia.
That's Italian for, "it begins.
" Ah.
Disagree, Paul.
It is not beginning.
So why don't you just go back to where you came from? Italy.
Or so you say.
Actually, joke's on you, because I was originally born in Iowa, two weeks early.
What's up? Guys, stop it.
Did that wall just move? Carly, are you okay? I know you get claustrophobic.
Yeah, bro, I know stuff about her.
Remember, I was her you in Italy, except better, because I look dope eating pasta.
- Don't you eat that pasta.
- Mmm, here, have some.
It's good.
Don't Don't feed it to me.
- Trust me, it's really good.
- I am full! Guys, the walls closing in was not in the brochure and I am trying not to freak out.
I always wanted to learn the flute! I just had to say that before I die, which is obviously happening.
♪ Wow.
These magazines from the '70s have not aged well.
They made cigarettes exclusively for pregnant women? Carly, little help? No.
You have to work together, 'cause I am too busy freaking out.
God, I wish I was pregnant, so I could have one of those cigarettes.
Paul, will you stop trying to turn on that computer - and come help me? - Hey, if I wanted to turn this computer on, all I would have to say is, "Sup, girl?" What are you doing? There.
I did it.
What do you mean, you did it? I did 95% of the work and you came in and took all the credit, which is exactly what you're trying to do with iCarly.
Can you guys just stop arguing and figure out what the clue on the TV means? No! No! I can't die! I never got Ricky Martin to sign my wrist.
♪ All right, change of plans.
This guy is an art critic, so he is about to have the worst dining experience ever.
Please, do me the honor of having an awful meal.
So just continue on as we were.
Yeah.
Bon appétit! Losers! (AIR HORN SOUNDS) Our meat isn't undercooked.
It's frozen! They kind of look like boomerangs, so why don't you toss them and see if they come back to you? MAN: Oof! Nope! (SKIRT CLINKING) (CLATTERS) Mark? Are you asking me to marry you? (GIGGLES) I thought you were proposing to me tonight.
Now I have to watch her get engaged? Some music for your special evening? - Ugh, no! - (GIGGLES) (OFF-KEY): It's your night ♪ It's your engagement night.
♪ It's for real.
Would you like some water, sir? Uh Excellent! Waiters these days are drowning in the outrageous demands of the consumer.
- (LAUGHS) - Okay.
Leaving so soon? What'd you think? It's been a devastating commentary on the toxic relationship between those who serve and those who are served.
Okay! But it didn't have that Spencer Shay signature touch.
Pity.
(SCREAMS) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my good arm! Oh, my good arm! - My less good arm! - Oh, my God! This must be a metaphor for something.
Oh, that's right.
The service industry is burned out.
And unless something changes, it always will be! Now that's the Spencer Shay touch I was looking for.
No longer a pity! Yes! We did it! I'm so happy for you.
- (WHIMPERS) - Hospital? Yup! - Fire is hot.
- It usually is, baby.
(SPENCER SOBS) (SCREAMS) ♪ Can you guys please get us out of here? I am hyperventilating, I'm on the verge of a panic attack, and I picked an exhausting distraction.
Seriously, this is what people won't shut up about? Ooh.
iCarly exercise video.
Ooh, sucky idea.
Hey, you two both keep saying that you want what's best for iCarly.
Well, guess what? I'm Carly, so I know what's best for the show.
And that's for both of you to work on it.
Together.
But if you can't work together, then I'll do it myself.
I don't want to do it myself.
Make up already.
She's right, okay? I'm sorry.
I-I know how much she loved working with you in Italy, and I-I don't know, I guess I just felt - threatened by you.
- Yes! Good stuff, Freddie.
Paul, now you go.
I'm sorry, too.
You guys have been doing this for 15 years.
No one could replace what you do for the show.
I shouldn't have come in so hot.
Or tall.
But I-I can't help either of those things.
Attaboy, Paul.
Very powerful stuff.
Now, get us out of here.
All right.
Um, let's, uh, let's start with the code on the TV, okay? Maybe it's a combination.
Uh The leather briefcase! Ooh, oh, yeah.
Uh, okay.
Four one seven.
Come on, come on, come on! (ALL SCREAM) - Attaboy! Okay.
- Okay.
Uh, uh Maybe the next clue is up? Okay, um Paul, give me a boost.
- I would love to boost you.
- Okay.
Here we go.
- Wow, nice boost.
- Thanks.
(CLICKS) (POP MUSIC PLAYS) Oh, oh.
(ALL WHOOPING) Yeah! Yeah! - Are you okay? - Oh, yeah.
I was always okay.
I knew the walls were gonna do that, so I took a beta blocker.
I thought that wasn't in the brochure.
I lied.
Wait, where are we? It looks like the '80s? But I thought we were done.
ESCAPE ROOM HOST: You're not done.
You still have four more decades to escape from.
(ALARM BUZZING, THUMP) (SQUEALS) Ooh.
Uh okay.
(GROANS) Uh-oh.
- (SQUEALS) - Yeah, that's real.
All right, Carly, Carly.
It's okay.
Maybe Just, uh, just take a moment (BOTH SPEAKING AT ONCE) ♪ "Spencer Shay's latest installation was unbridled madness, right down to the absurd and dangerous uniforms, which can only be described as Louis XIV impregnates a pineapple!" (SQUEALS) Oh! Oh.
What's that? That's my mojo, y'all.
- I got it back! (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS) Wow, I actually thought you were gonna catch something, right there.
Thank you.
I've been doing some acting recently.
(DRAMATICALLY): I said no ice! (GLASS SHATTERS) (NORMAL VOICE): Stuff like that.
I love being a part of this community of artists.
Mm.
Uh Freddie and I came up with a bunch of new sketch ideas that Paul loves.
- Mm-hmm.
- Highlight reel "Tiny Psychic Food Critic.
" It's The Tiny Psychic reviewing food before she eats it.
- "Meatball Golf.
" - It's golf.
But with meatballs.
And "CAT Scan," which is me getting a CAT scan.
It's her getting a CAT scan.
Freddie, see, I could never do this show without you.
Boop.
Ooh.
What about escape womb? (GASPS) Oh, like escape room for babies.
I love it! Ooh, yeah.
That's on me.
I left my gummies out again.
Can you go make sure they're okay? Nah, they'll be back for the chips.
♪ ♪ Ooh! MAN: He hates these cans.