I'm Alan Partridge (1997) s02e06 Episode Script
Alan Wide Shut
(WOMAN) I think we'll be giant.
.
super-beings, really.
We're talking about what people will look like in a billion years.
I don't think we'll have hair, I think we'll be completely hairless, Are you hairy, Mary? - No, - What? - No! - Right.
I think, at the end of the day, we'll be more or less the same but with bigger hands and eyes and sex organs, I wonder what that will look like.
Look in the back of a spoonà in the bathroom, Goodbye, Mary.
Traffic.
(HORNS HONK) Get out of the way you (BLEEP) idiot! You could get a bus through there, you (BLEEP)! Let me through! (HORNS HONK) We've got a traffic report That's annoying.
.
.
on the A146 just past London.
A lorry full of livestock has jackknifed, shedding its load over both lanes.
That probably looks like something from "Saving Private Ryan", but with animals.
Tom Spotley? When? Listeners, I have someone on the line who fears he may be a gay.
He's married so I shall only be using his Christian name.
I'm talking to Domingo in Little Oakley.
No? He's gone.
Pity.
Marvellous little tapas bar there.
It's two minutes to one so we'll go to Dave Clifton.
- Hello.
How are you doing? - What are you reading? It's the biography of an East End gangster.
It's called "Bad Slags".
Amazing stuff.
I think there's another word for it.
It's sad that people read about men who call themselves things like Stan the Stabber, who chop people's heads off, set fire to their eyebrows and knock people's teeth out just because they couldn't repay a loan at an uncompetitive rate of interest.
- Is your book in trouble with Stan? - What do you mean? I hear that all the unsold copies are being bundled into the back of a truck and driven to a big warehouse to be, literally, pulped.
There's one word for people like you - I'll tell you tomorrow.
- OK.
Here's Friggis! That's it! Friggis! # Hit me! Hit me! Hit me with your rhythm stick It's nice to be a lunatic # Hit me! Hit me # Only a few more nights in the caravan.
I thought we'd celebrate by watching "Spartacus" with corned beef hash.
We'll make sweet love and I'll drive you home.
- OK.
- Let's bring the love-making forward.
Come here, you lucky, lucky lady.
Oh, Lynn! - Hello.
- Hi.
Just having some hygienic snogging.
I've nearly moved everything into the house.
- That's for you.
- What's this? It's an invitation to my baptism.
Baptism? How will they get you to the font? They'd need four men to lift you.
No.
It's not a font.
It's a pool that they lower you into.
If you sink, you're a Baptist, and if you floatyou're evil? It's touch and go.
Alan, I just want you to stand by me with a towel to help me dry myself.
You're my PA and you're inviting me to a religious wet T-shirt competition.
Right.
I've got you that "Bad Slags" book you asked for.
Do you still want to do the radio show now your books have been incinerated? Yes, I do.
And the books aren't being incinerated, they're being pulped.
My book could end up being reconstituted as a table in a home for battered women.
- I'm putting something back.
- Still annoyed about that book? I don't know why people buy it.
About East End thugs who lend you £100 and a week later you owe them a million.
I'm not exaggerating.
You buy a car off them and find out it's two front ends welded together.
You send it for an MO and they find some chap's ribs in the oil sump.
Or you take the lid off the gear knob and find a testis.
Alan, the builders are waiting to sign off.
OK.
I'm going to miss this caravan.
I used to enjoy sitting here like this.
Or like this.
Sometimes I'd lean forward.
- Well - Hang on.
There's a fourth position.
Sometimes I used to like sitting here like this waiting for Sonja.
We had some good times on the banquette.
Alan? - The builders.
- Yes.
You've made yourself comfortable on the banquette.
Great.
- You don't think it's a bit tight in here? - Not really.
People always go on about space, but people forget you can get lost in space.
Could have done with a skylight, really.
I presume we're all going to keep in touch now the work's finished? - I've got you all a present.
- Ta, Al.
- Cheers.
- I won't tell you what it is.
It's a surprise.
Lynn? What the frig have you got on your feet? - Shoe covers.
- You look like you live on a ward.
- I got fed up getting my feet dirty.
- They look like Action Man body bags! And it's fine to join in.
They're like baby bags for your feet.
That's sort of a development of what he said, but it's fine to join in.
Carl, do you want to add anything? Perhaps say that they're like a marquee for toes or a foot tent, something like that? No.
I've got some stuff for your bedroom.
Have you decided which room it's going to be? Yes.
The bedroom.
Down the corridor, last door on the left.
That's the same size as your bedroom in the caravan.
- Is it? - Yeah.
Fine.
Squeeze a double bed in and I can open the door and step onto the bed.
- Where are your clothes going? - In the storage room.
- A naked jog across the landing.
- What if you've got guests? Lynn, I'll cup myself.
- I don't mean with an actual cup.
- More like an egg cup! It wouldn't be an egg cup.
It'd be two egg cups and a kidney dish.
- Do you want a pickled onion? - No.
I hate them.
Very laid-back petrol station, this.
You could have sofas in here.
People could relax.
You've got your petrol, it's fine.
This week's guest petrol is Texaco.
Next week's guest petrol will be Texaco again.
You could have a lovely barbecue out there.
You're not allowed naked flames on the forecourt.
It's political correctness gone mad.
Tell you what amuses me, Michael, is when people criticise my book just because I use the phrase "Needless to say, I had the last laugh" 14 times.
You and I know I've actually had the last laugh - 25 times.
- Exactly! - (BELL DINGS) - My toad-in-the-hole.
Lovely, man.
I bet you never thought that you could make toast in a microwave.
That's not toast.
That's hot, floppy bread.
- What did you do last night? - Watched a documentary on quicksand.
Then Sonja and I took our tops off and had a cuddle, followed by mince and onions.
Doesn't get much better than that.
It did for me.
I done better than a cuddle last night.
l had full sex with a woman.
- Go on.
- She was all over us.
- She's a bit older than me.
She's 60.
- 60? Same age difference as you and Sonja.
That's just wrong.
You shouldn't do it the other way round.
We did! 60's not really old.
I mean, look at Bob Dylan.
- She looked a bit like him.
- A big nose and mad hair? - Do you know her? - No.
How did you meet? At Thresher's.
She was loading booze into her car.
She says, "Would you drive us home to Cardiff?" - Cardiff?! - Aye.
I come back this morning on a coach.
It was like an SAS operation.
Your mission.
.
go to Cardiff, have full sex with a woman, come back on the coach.
Sort of like Operation Bravo 2-O.
In your case, it was Bravo 6-O.
By Randy McNab! Randy McNob! - Stop that now.
- How's you and Sonja getting on? I've never really thought about it.
She'll be along soon with a hot dessert.
You're looking a gift horse in the mouth.
No.
That's what you were doing last night.
- When's Lynn getting baptised, then? - Splashdown is 1500 hours on Sunday.
Will lover boy be there? The ex-policeman? Gordon? I hope he's not doing the dunking.
I wouldn't like to be dunked by a policeman.
When you came up, he'd go, "Where's the money?" "I don't know.
I'm being baptised.
" "Down you go again.
" - Here comes Sonja.
- The dinner lady.
- This is rhubarb crumble and custard.
- Smashing.
I am a homeless person.
My landlady is telling me that the girl must go because she must sell this house because it will be office block.
If the worst comes to the worst you can move in to Lynn's mum's bedroom.
I don't want to sleep in Lynn's dead mum's bed.
Michael did something similar last night and he's very happy.
Come on.
Let's see one of these.
That's just weird.
Welcome back to "Prayer Wave" with me, Tessa McPherson.
Kate Fitzgerald's book, "Someone Else", charts a journey of self-discoveryà Good title.
.
.
through childhood to your drug addiction and prostitution Oh, God.
.
.
and then to your recovery, in a very upbeat way.
Mine's upbeat too.
I should say that the other voice you can hear is my other guest, Alan Partridge.
Alan had a TV chat show and was quite a big name, and then it all went very wrong.
That's the subject of your book, "Bouncing Back".
Yes.
Although Kate felt she bounced back, I feel I havehad and are bouncedbouncing I felt that Cary on talking to Kate while I sort something out.
Can I borrow a pen? - Yes.
How's the book doing? - Wonderfully well.
The best thing is people coming up to me I'm all right now.
People who felt very alone, but through me they've found a friend - All done.
- It's been well received.
Sorry Sorry.
- It's quite distracting when you interrupt.
- You just interrupted her! Alan, "Bouncing Back".
I suspect you meant it as an ironic title, didn't you? Because you haven't bounced back.
Not emotionally and not in a career way either.
How do you feel about that? What? I think Tessa's saying that you haven't bounced back.
I've only scanned your book I have.
I'm doing "Norfolk Nights" and I've got a show Are you tying to put me off? Two can play at that game! I know you've had problems in the past The time's 11.
3O Sorry, it's your show.
Sobouncing back.
- You fell spectacularly - All right.
Do you slow down for car crashes? My point is that I've been looking for the positives in your book, and it is a book that's full of joy, but it's chiefly joy at other people's misfortunes.
A lot of bitterness.
You end almost every anecdote with the phrase, "Needless to say, I had the last laugh.
" You could end some of your chapters with, "Needles to say ".
.
I took drugs.
" - If I can turn to you, Kate.
- Sure.
You come from a privileged background.
Materially privileged, but emotionally undernourished.
- My father was very distant - Did he live in a different wing? - Have you read my book? - No, but I've seen the photographs.
And I read the bit where you put drugs up your bottom.
Why? You've got a perfectly good mouth.
Easy to confuse the two.
Sometimes people can end up talking out of their arse, Alan.
Let's talk about your drug addiction.
You were hooked on a variety of drugs.
- I started on crack.
- That's not the same as crackling? - No.
- It's a joke.
I had crackling on Sunday.
It had hairs on it, but I didn't mind.
- Then the chemical dependency grew worse? - Yeah.
My drug of choice became ketamine, which is a horse tranquilliser.
Shit! Did you get that from stables? I can imagine you in wellies and a sleeveless anorak.
The name for that is actually a gilet.
No.
That's a razor.
Could have done with that for the crackling.
Have you ever shaved your crackling? - Yes.
Ketamine.
- Why drag horses into it? They use ketamine to tranquillise the horse and then extract the horse's semen.
- How? - The same way you would a human being.
Send him into a cubicle with magazines? They've got hooves, for goodness' sake.
Four of them.
It'd take some doing, but I can't see it.
l think we've strayed from the topic.
You both obviously have addictive personalities.
In your case, drugs.
For Alan, chocolate.
Specifically Toblerone.
I would wake up in the middle of the night and eat an entire Toblerone.
I don't mean a small one.
I mean a medium-sized one.
In the best chapter, I talk about when I gorged on Toblerone and drove to Dundee in my bare feet.
Chocolate addiction will never be as destructive as drug addiction.
- What's her book like? - Don't refer to me as "her".
All right.
What's his book like? I don't know your name.
- You really have got a lot of issues.
- Yeah.
Of "What Car?" magazine.
That's a first on "Prayer Wave".
Never had anybody walk out.
Yes.
The atmosphere has turned rather sour.
Yes.
Let's smooth things over with more from Monteverdi's "Vespers".
Good band.
Thank you, Alan.
Slightly more exciting than I'd anticipated.
- Can I introduce my PA Lynn? - Hello.
You must be my guest.
We discuss issues.
Europe, conspiracy theories, what happens if you just eat crisps.
Things like that.
That sounds interesting.
We're revamping this show.
I'm looking for a co-presenter.
It'd be interesting to talk to you.
I'm the producer as well as the presenter.
I didn't know who you are, yet I still got in with you.
Oh, I forgot to say.
I am so a Christian.
It's not a prerequisite for being on the programme.
- Come on.
- It's our family remit.
I love families.
I used to have one, but it left me.
This one's a Baptist.
Lynn's being submerged this week, for her sins.
Literally.
You're welcome to come along.
- Have you been preparing for a long time? - Yes.
Lynn! Lynn! Lynn! .
.
you become suffused with the Holy Spirit.
It's extraordinary.
Shall we make tracks? Alan, when is your book being destroyed? It's not being destroyed.
The correct term is pulped.
They're pulping the unsold 14,OOO copies of my book next Thursday to make room for books on Cockney killers.
- What is Cockney? - An area in london where criminals live.
The police don't arrest them because they only slaughter their own.
They have funerals with floral tributes that say things like "Mum" and "Stab".
They don't sound evil.
They like flowers.
Some of the stunts they pull They'll chain you to a car that's been clamped.
You have to phone the council, but they've shoved your mobile phone up your backside.
Mobile phone not hurt too much.
Is only small.
Sonja, this is in the late '80s.
Mobile phones were like big black plastic bricks with a breadstick at the top.
It was agony.
Maybe if it was vibrating phone, it would be quite pleasant! Sonja, this is no laughing matter.
If you're at a fair, they might put your head in a candy-floss machine.
They'd be having a great laugh at you with big pink hair.
But you may be very dizzy.
I've been thinking about your impending homelessness and I've come to a decision.
- I want you to move in.
- Really? - Make the place your own.
- I can't believe! - I've bought you the caravan.
- I don't live in the house with you? Have you seen the size of the box-room? I want you here.
You'd be my very own John West tinned woman.
- Skipjack Sonja in brine.
- And I can visit whenever I want? Probably best if I come and see you.
We'll set up a signal.
If you see ketchup in the window, it means, "Let's make love.
" "I'm feeling saucy.
" - You want me to pay rent? - I'm sure we can come to an arrangement.
- You're sure you don't want rent? - As I said, we can come to an arrangement.
So I came to know a warm woman with a smile for everyone.
Let's hear it for Lynn.
Go on, Lynn lass! She didn't like being in that water.
She was thrashing around.
I've got it all here.
It's hilarious.
- That was lovely.
- Yes.
Like a very moving sheep dip.
I'm down to do a spot now.
I'll be talking about God.
So if you hang around - I've really got to go, Alan.
- I'll do it now.
Hello.
You probably don't know me.
I'm Alan Partridge.
l host "Norfolk Nights" on Radio Norwich and "Skirmish", a military-based quiz on a cable television channel called UK Conquest.
But today is Lynn's day, and what a tragedy that one person who can't be here is Lynn's mum, Peggy, who is dead.
We didn't see eye to eye.
There was bad blood which was one of her complications at the end.
But I'm digressing.
Today is Lynn's day and she has bounced back in the same way that I have.
Because God is a very positive God.
When he tried to create the world in six days, people said, "It can't be done!" Although he hadn't created people then.
The criticism bounced off him like water off Not a duck's back because he hadn't invented ducks.
Anyway Where was I or is l? Iswas Iswas.
"Tiswas".
Who remembers "Tiswas"? The '70s.
Spacehoppers and er sweets they don't make any more.
Er "Kojak"! Who loves ya, baby? A lollipop.
Sorry.
It's not going very well.
Oh, I'm going to kill myself.
Where's my shotgun? Click, click.
Can't get me toe on the trigger.
Oh, got it.
That's it.
And to Lynn.
Sorry.
I won't do the shotgun thing on the radio.
That's just for the Baptists.
- I've really got to go.
- Go, go, go, go.
Hello, Alan.
Can I just say I love your radio show? - Thanks.
- I've read your book.
- Oh? - It didn't really work for me.
Fuck off.
First, Alan was very shy before we make love.
He was very shy of his body.
But I tell to him, "Please, it doesn't mind.
What's inside matters.
" Also, Alan is pretty well hung, so Now when we make love, he is like a big bear.
Listen.
I'm sorry about that before.
You caught me at a bad moment.
Perfectly understandable.
I hear your book's being pulped.
Fuck off! (MOBILE RINGS) Hello? Er, yes, he is.
Did he give you my number? Michael, it's a Nerys for you.
Hello.
Oh, hiya! Nerys.
So I know your name now.
No, I can still smell you.
I haven't had a shower.
Lynn! Lynn! Lynn? I've been eating a lot of Toblerone, I've eaten four and I've got two white ones left, I don't like them as much, - Hello.
- I'm not very happy, I'm sorry about that.
When you have a book out, you get lots of criticism.
- It's very difficult to - Not a problem.
People would rather read books about people called Dan the Daggerman from Dagenham.
Funny world.
Who tortures you by putting your hair in a fax machine and pressing "Send".
What do you think was wrong with my book? - I don't think anecdotes are your forte.
- That's fair enough.
So you don't think I can tell anecdotes? Just pop that down for a second.
I'll tell you an anecdote! In 1975, I was catching the London train from Crewe.
I found myself in a rush for the one remaining seat with a good-looking man with collar-length hair.
It was the '70s.
Buckaroo.
When I sat down, I looked up and realised it was none other than Peter Purves.
It was at the height of his "Blue Peter" fame! He said, "You jammy bastard" and I replied, "Don't be blue, Peter.
" Needless to say, I had the last laugh.
Now fuck off! Hello.
Come to see my book being pulped.
It's great I'm putting something back.
There's a lot of dignity involved.
It looks like porridge! Word porridge! There's my book! - Thanks for the souvenir.
- No problem.
- Do "Blue Peter" want to film here? - No.
Must be somewhere eke, then.
.
super-beings, really.
We're talking about what people will look like in a billion years.
I don't think we'll have hair, I think we'll be completely hairless, Are you hairy, Mary? - No, - What? - No! - Right.
I think, at the end of the day, we'll be more or less the same but with bigger hands and eyes and sex organs, I wonder what that will look like.
Look in the back of a spoonà in the bathroom, Goodbye, Mary.
Traffic.
(HORNS HONK) Get out of the way you (BLEEP) idiot! You could get a bus through there, you (BLEEP)! Let me through! (HORNS HONK) We've got a traffic report That's annoying.
.
.
on the A146 just past London.
A lorry full of livestock has jackknifed, shedding its load over both lanes.
That probably looks like something from "Saving Private Ryan", but with animals.
Tom Spotley? When? Listeners, I have someone on the line who fears he may be a gay.
He's married so I shall only be using his Christian name.
I'm talking to Domingo in Little Oakley.
No? He's gone.
Pity.
Marvellous little tapas bar there.
It's two minutes to one so we'll go to Dave Clifton.
- Hello.
How are you doing? - What are you reading? It's the biography of an East End gangster.
It's called "Bad Slags".
Amazing stuff.
I think there's another word for it.
It's sad that people read about men who call themselves things like Stan the Stabber, who chop people's heads off, set fire to their eyebrows and knock people's teeth out just because they couldn't repay a loan at an uncompetitive rate of interest.
- Is your book in trouble with Stan? - What do you mean? I hear that all the unsold copies are being bundled into the back of a truck and driven to a big warehouse to be, literally, pulped.
There's one word for people like you - I'll tell you tomorrow.
- OK.
Here's Friggis! That's it! Friggis! # Hit me! Hit me! Hit me with your rhythm stick It's nice to be a lunatic # Hit me! Hit me # Only a few more nights in the caravan.
I thought we'd celebrate by watching "Spartacus" with corned beef hash.
We'll make sweet love and I'll drive you home.
- OK.
- Let's bring the love-making forward.
Come here, you lucky, lucky lady.
Oh, Lynn! - Hello.
- Hi.
Just having some hygienic snogging.
I've nearly moved everything into the house.
- That's for you.
- What's this? It's an invitation to my baptism.
Baptism? How will they get you to the font? They'd need four men to lift you.
No.
It's not a font.
It's a pool that they lower you into.
If you sink, you're a Baptist, and if you floatyou're evil? It's touch and go.
Alan, I just want you to stand by me with a towel to help me dry myself.
You're my PA and you're inviting me to a religious wet T-shirt competition.
Right.
I've got you that "Bad Slags" book you asked for.
Do you still want to do the radio show now your books have been incinerated? Yes, I do.
And the books aren't being incinerated, they're being pulped.
My book could end up being reconstituted as a table in a home for battered women.
- I'm putting something back.
- Still annoyed about that book? I don't know why people buy it.
About East End thugs who lend you £100 and a week later you owe them a million.
I'm not exaggerating.
You buy a car off them and find out it's two front ends welded together.
You send it for an MO and they find some chap's ribs in the oil sump.
Or you take the lid off the gear knob and find a testis.
Alan, the builders are waiting to sign off.
OK.
I'm going to miss this caravan.
I used to enjoy sitting here like this.
Or like this.
Sometimes I'd lean forward.
- Well - Hang on.
There's a fourth position.
Sometimes I used to like sitting here like this waiting for Sonja.
We had some good times on the banquette.
Alan? - The builders.
- Yes.
You've made yourself comfortable on the banquette.
Great.
- You don't think it's a bit tight in here? - Not really.
People always go on about space, but people forget you can get lost in space.
Could have done with a skylight, really.
I presume we're all going to keep in touch now the work's finished? - I've got you all a present.
- Ta, Al.
- Cheers.
- I won't tell you what it is.
It's a surprise.
Lynn? What the frig have you got on your feet? - Shoe covers.
- You look like you live on a ward.
- I got fed up getting my feet dirty.
- They look like Action Man body bags! And it's fine to join in.
They're like baby bags for your feet.
That's sort of a development of what he said, but it's fine to join in.
Carl, do you want to add anything? Perhaps say that they're like a marquee for toes or a foot tent, something like that? No.
I've got some stuff for your bedroom.
Have you decided which room it's going to be? Yes.
The bedroom.
Down the corridor, last door on the left.
That's the same size as your bedroom in the caravan.
- Is it? - Yeah.
Fine.
Squeeze a double bed in and I can open the door and step onto the bed.
- Where are your clothes going? - In the storage room.
- A naked jog across the landing.
- What if you've got guests? Lynn, I'll cup myself.
- I don't mean with an actual cup.
- More like an egg cup! It wouldn't be an egg cup.
It'd be two egg cups and a kidney dish.
- Do you want a pickled onion? - No.
I hate them.
Very laid-back petrol station, this.
You could have sofas in here.
People could relax.
You've got your petrol, it's fine.
This week's guest petrol is Texaco.
Next week's guest petrol will be Texaco again.
You could have a lovely barbecue out there.
You're not allowed naked flames on the forecourt.
It's political correctness gone mad.
Tell you what amuses me, Michael, is when people criticise my book just because I use the phrase "Needless to say, I had the last laugh" 14 times.
You and I know I've actually had the last laugh - 25 times.
- Exactly! - (BELL DINGS) - My toad-in-the-hole.
Lovely, man.
I bet you never thought that you could make toast in a microwave.
That's not toast.
That's hot, floppy bread.
- What did you do last night? - Watched a documentary on quicksand.
Then Sonja and I took our tops off and had a cuddle, followed by mince and onions.
Doesn't get much better than that.
It did for me.
I done better than a cuddle last night.
l had full sex with a woman.
- Go on.
- She was all over us.
- She's a bit older than me.
She's 60.
- 60? Same age difference as you and Sonja.
That's just wrong.
You shouldn't do it the other way round.
We did! 60's not really old.
I mean, look at Bob Dylan.
- She looked a bit like him.
- A big nose and mad hair? - Do you know her? - No.
How did you meet? At Thresher's.
She was loading booze into her car.
She says, "Would you drive us home to Cardiff?" - Cardiff?! - Aye.
I come back this morning on a coach.
It was like an SAS operation.
Your mission.
.
go to Cardiff, have full sex with a woman, come back on the coach.
Sort of like Operation Bravo 2-O.
In your case, it was Bravo 6-O.
By Randy McNab! Randy McNob! - Stop that now.
- How's you and Sonja getting on? I've never really thought about it.
She'll be along soon with a hot dessert.
You're looking a gift horse in the mouth.
No.
That's what you were doing last night.
- When's Lynn getting baptised, then? - Splashdown is 1500 hours on Sunday.
Will lover boy be there? The ex-policeman? Gordon? I hope he's not doing the dunking.
I wouldn't like to be dunked by a policeman.
When you came up, he'd go, "Where's the money?" "I don't know.
I'm being baptised.
" "Down you go again.
" - Here comes Sonja.
- The dinner lady.
- This is rhubarb crumble and custard.
- Smashing.
I am a homeless person.
My landlady is telling me that the girl must go because she must sell this house because it will be office block.
If the worst comes to the worst you can move in to Lynn's mum's bedroom.
I don't want to sleep in Lynn's dead mum's bed.
Michael did something similar last night and he's very happy.
Come on.
Let's see one of these.
That's just weird.
Welcome back to "Prayer Wave" with me, Tessa McPherson.
Kate Fitzgerald's book, "Someone Else", charts a journey of self-discoveryà Good title.
.
.
through childhood to your drug addiction and prostitution Oh, God.
.
.
and then to your recovery, in a very upbeat way.
Mine's upbeat too.
I should say that the other voice you can hear is my other guest, Alan Partridge.
Alan had a TV chat show and was quite a big name, and then it all went very wrong.
That's the subject of your book, "Bouncing Back".
Yes.
Although Kate felt she bounced back, I feel I havehad and are bouncedbouncing I felt that Cary on talking to Kate while I sort something out.
Can I borrow a pen? - Yes.
How's the book doing? - Wonderfully well.
The best thing is people coming up to me I'm all right now.
People who felt very alone, but through me they've found a friend - All done.
- It's been well received.
Sorry Sorry.
- It's quite distracting when you interrupt.
- You just interrupted her! Alan, "Bouncing Back".
I suspect you meant it as an ironic title, didn't you? Because you haven't bounced back.
Not emotionally and not in a career way either.
How do you feel about that? What? I think Tessa's saying that you haven't bounced back.
I've only scanned your book I have.
I'm doing "Norfolk Nights" and I've got a show Are you tying to put me off? Two can play at that game! I know you've had problems in the past The time's 11.
3O Sorry, it's your show.
Sobouncing back.
- You fell spectacularly - All right.
Do you slow down for car crashes? My point is that I've been looking for the positives in your book, and it is a book that's full of joy, but it's chiefly joy at other people's misfortunes.
A lot of bitterness.
You end almost every anecdote with the phrase, "Needless to say, I had the last laugh.
" You could end some of your chapters with, "Needles to say ".
.
I took drugs.
" - If I can turn to you, Kate.
- Sure.
You come from a privileged background.
Materially privileged, but emotionally undernourished.
- My father was very distant - Did he live in a different wing? - Have you read my book? - No, but I've seen the photographs.
And I read the bit where you put drugs up your bottom.
Why? You've got a perfectly good mouth.
Easy to confuse the two.
Sometimes people can end up talking out of their arse, Alan.
Let's talk about your drug addiction.
You were hooked on a variety of drugs.
- I started on crack.
- That's not the same as crackling? - No.
- It's a joke.
I had crackling on Sunday.
It had hairs on it, but I didn't mind.
- Then the chemical dependency grew worse? - Yeah.
My drug of choice became ketamine, which is a horse tranquilliser.
Shit! Did you get that from stables? I can imagine you in wellies and a sleeveless anorak.
The name for that is actually a gilet.
No.
That's a razor.
Could have done with that for the crackling.
Have you ever shaved your crackling? - Yes.
Ketamine.
- Why drag horses into it? They use ketamine to tranquillise the horse and then extract the horse's semen.
- How? - The same way you would a human being.
Send him into a cubicle with magazines? They've got hooves, for goodness' sake.
Four of them.
It'd take some doing, but I can't see it.
l think we've strayed from the topic.
You both obviously have addictive personalities.
In your case, drugs.
For Alan, chocolate.
Specifically Toblerone.
I would wake up in the middle of the night and eat an entire Toblerone.
I don't mean a small one.
I mean a medium-sized one.
In the best chapter, I talk about when I gorged on Toblerone and drove to Dundee in my bare feet.
Chocolate addiction will never be as destructive as drug addiction.
- What's her book like? - Don't refer to me as "her".
All right.
What's his book like? I don't know your name.
- You really have got a lot of issues.
- Yeah.
Of "What Car?" magazine.
That's a first on "Prayer Wave".
Never had anybody walk out.
Yes.
The atmosphere has turned rather sour.
Yes.
Let's smooth things over with more from Monteverdi's "Vespers".
Good band.
Thank you, Alan.
Slightly more exciting than I'd anticipated.
- Can I introduce my PA Lynn? - Hello.
You must be my guest.
We discuss issues.
Europe, conspiracy theories, what happens if you just eat crisps.
Things like that.
That sounds interesting.
We're revamping this show.
I'm looking for a co-presenter.
It'd be interesting to talk to you.
I'm the producer as well as the presenter.
I didn't know who you are, yet I still got in with you.
Oh, I forgot to say.
I am so a Christian.
It's not a prerequisite for being on the programme.
- Come on.
- It's our family remit.
I love families.
I used to have one, but it left me.
This one's a Baptist.
Lynn's being submerged this week, for her sins.
Literally.
You're welcome to come along.
- Have you been preparing for a long time? - Yes.
Lynn! Lynn! Lynn! .
.
you become suffused with the Holy Spirit.
It's extraordinary.
Shall we make tracks? Alan, when is your book being destroyed? It's not being destroyed.
The correct term is pulped.
They're pulping the unsold 14,OOO copies of my book next Thursday to make room for books on Cockney killers.
- What is Cockney? - An area in london where criminals live.
The police don't arrest them because they only slaughter their own.
They have funerals with floral tributes that say things like "Mum" and "Stab".
They don't sound evil.
They like flowers.
Some of the stunts they pull They'll chain you to a car that's been clamped.
You have to phone the council, but they've shoved your mobile phone up your backside.
Mobile phone not hurt too much.
Is only small.
Sonja, this is in the late '80s.
Mobile phones were like big black plastic bricks with a breadstick at the top.
It was agony.
Maybe if it was vibrating phone, it would be quite pleasant! Sonja, this is no laughing matter.
If you're at a fair, they might put your head in a candy-floss machine.
They'd be having a great laugh at you with big pink hair.
But you may be very dizzy.
I've been thinking about your impending homelessness and I've come to a decision.
- I want you to move in.
- Really? - Make the place your own.
- I can't believe! - I've bought you the caravan.
- I don't live in the house with you? Have you seen the size of the box-room? I want you here.
You'd be my very own John West tinned woman.
- Skipjack Sonja in brine.
- And I can visit whenever I want? Probably best if I come and see you.
We'll set up a signal.
If you see ketchup in the window, it means, "Let's make love.
" "I'm feeling saucy.
" - You want me to pay rent? - I'm sure we can come to an arrangement.
- You're sure you don't want rent? - As I said, we can come to an arrangement.
So I came to know a warm woman with a smile for everyone.
Let's hear it for Lynn.
Go on, Lynn lass! She didn't like being in that water.
She was thrashing around.
I've got it all here.
It's hilarious.
- That was lovely.
- Yes.
Like a very moving sheep dip.
I'm down to do a spot now.
I'll be talking about God.
So if you hang around - I've really got to go, Alan.
- I'll do it now.
Hello.
You probably don't know me.
I'm Alan Partridge.
l host "Norfolk Nights" on Radio Norwich and "Skirmish", a military-based quiz on a cable television channel called UK Conquest.
But today is Lynn's day, and what a tragedy that one person who can't be here is Lynn's mum, Peggy, who is dead.
We didn't see eye to eye.
There was bad blood which was one of her complications at the end.
But I'm digressing.
Today is Lynn's day and she has bounced back in the same way that I have.
Because God is a very positive God.
When he tried to create the world in six days, people said, "It can't be done!" Although he hadn't created people then.
The criticism bounced off him like water off Not a duck's back because he hadn't invented ducks.
Anyway Where was I or is l? Iswas Iswas.
"Tiswas".
Who remembers "Tiswas"? The '70s.
Spacehoppers and er sweets they don't make any more.
Er "Kojak"! Who loves ya, baby? A lollipop.
Sorry.
It's not going very well.
Oh, I'm going to kill myself.
Where's my shotgun? Click, click.
Can't get me toe on the trigger.
Oh, got it.
That's it.
And to Lynn.
Sorry.
I won't do the shotgun thing on the radio.
That's just for the Baptists.
- I've really got to go.
- Go, go, go, go.
Hello, Alan.
Can I just say I love your radio show? - Thanks.
- I've read your book.
- Oh? - It didn't really work for me.
Fuck off.
First, Alan was very shy before we make love.
He was very shy of his body.
But I tell to him, "Please, it doesn't mind.
What's inside matters.
" Also, Alan is pretty well hung, so Now when we make love, he is like a big bear.
Listen.
I'm sorry about that before.
You caught me at a bad moment.
Perfectly understandable.
I hear your book's being pulped.
Fuck off! (MOBILE RINGS) Hello? Er, yes, he is.
Did he give you my number? Michael, it's a Nerys for you.
Hello.
Oh, hiya! Nerys.
So I know your name now.
No, I can still smell you.
I haven't had a shower.
Lynn! Lynn! Lynn? I've been eating a lot of Toblerone, I've eaten four and I've got two white ones left, I don't like them as much, - Hello.
- I'm not very happy, I'm sorry about that.
When you have a book out, you get lots of criticism.
- It's very difficult to - Not a problem.
People would rather read books about people called Dan the Daggerman from Dagenham.
Funny world.
Who tortures you by putting your hair in a fax machine and pressing "Send".
What do you think was wrong with my book? - I don't think anecdotes are your forte.
- That's fair enough.
So you don't think I can tell anecdotes? Just pop that down for a second.
I'll tell you an anecdote! In 1975, I was catching the London train from Crewe.
I found myself in a rush for the one remaining seat with a good-looking man with collar-length hair.
It was the '70s.
Buckaroo.
When I sat down, I looked up and realised it was none other than Peter Purves.
It was at the height of his "Blue Peter" fame! He said, "You jammy bastard" and I replied, "Don't be blue, Peter.
" Needless to say, I had the last laugh.
Now fuck off! Hello.
Come to see my book being pulped.
It's great I'm putting something back.
There's a lot of dignity involved.
It looks like porridge! Word porridge! There's my book! - Thanks for the souvenir.
- No problem.
- Do "Blue Peter" want to film here? - No.
Must be somewhere eke, then.