I'm Sorry (2017) s02e06 Episode Script
The Small of My Back
You don't need to swing your candy around.
Just keep it low.
Maybe tuck it in your sweater a little bit.
Are we not allowed to bring in our own candy? Well, there's no official rule, but ya know, they sell their own candy here.
So, they might not love us bringing our own in.
Yeah honey, let Mommy hold it in her purse.
That's a good idea.
- [Girl.]
OK.
- Thank you.
Oh hey, isn't that um, Elizabeth's husband, Eric? [Man.]
Who's Elizabeth? Amelia's teacher's aid, ya know, - we met em at the book fair.
- Oh yeah.
- And he was applying to law school.
- Yeah, he was asking me about oil.
Exactly.
I wonder if Elizabeth's here.
Uh, no, she is not here.
That is not Elizabeth.
- Are you sure that's Eric? - Mmhmm, 100%.
OK it's noon and that man has already been inside her today, right? Yeah, I think a couple times.
Jesus, OK, bubs, come on.
[Associate.]
Tickets.
- Thank you.
- [Associate.]
Thank you.
Can I have my candy in your purse now? Just wait until we're further in the theater, come on.
Why? Just keep walking.
When do they start being cool? Unclear.
(upbeat music) What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to say something to Elizabeth now? I really don't know.
I mean, it's one thing if it's one of my best friends, if it's Jennifer or Kyle, obviously I'd say something, but I barely know this woman.
I'm gonna tell her that her husband is cheating on her? If it was me, honestly, I don't even think I would say something 'cause you could possibly be ending their marriage.
I'm not ending their marriage.
It's Eric's constant whipped cream on the nipples level of effing that is gonna end the marriage.
Is it his nipples or her nipples? All the nipples Mike, trust me.
They're all covered in whipped cream and sweat.
Chill man, I'm eating this yogurt.
You know what, I think I actually would wanna know especially if I was her age.
She's ya know, she's young, she doesn't have kids yet.
She has a career, like she can do whatever she wants.
She doesn't need this.
No, you're right, that's true.
She should know now.
I think I'm just gonna tell her that I saw Eric at the movies with someone and then, if that peaks her interest, she can investigate further.
- Question for you.
- [Woman.]
Yeah? Since you're my best friend, would you tell me if I was being cheated on? No, I would tell Jennifer.
Why? Because she's my best friend.
I'm not your best friend? No, I mean, I love you but, you're not my best friend.
I'm not really your best friend, am I? Of course.
Oof, that is embarrassing for you.
Often, it is.
This is why you're not my best friend.
Stuff like this.
Now I'm not putting yogurt on your nipples.
Sorry.
(crunching) Not today, Mike, not today.
(upbeat music) Come on.
That's so sweet.
- Is it? - Yeah.
I don't know why you're so weird about Mr.
Castellotti.
I mean, he's great with those kids.
Sure, for a 70s cop who plays by his own rules.
Is he a cop who plays by his own rule or a cop who does stuff by the book? Eh, actually probably by the book.
That stache is all about those Miranda rights, - you know what I'm sayin'? - Yes.
- You do? - Yes and no.
Which part no? I don't understand the stache reading Miranda rights to somebody.
So his mustache - has the capac - (bell ringing) - Oh, my God! - I understand.
Oh my God, alright smushy, don't forget that Grampy's picking you up today.
You got your big sleepover tonight! Grampy lets me have ice cream in bed.
Well sounds like you're gonna have a pretty good night.
- [Girl.]
Yeah! - Bye smooch! Hey! Elizabeth! Oh hey Andrea! - Oh my God.
- How are you? I'm good, I'm good.
You know what, I think I saw you on Saturday.
Were you at the movies? I wish, I was in Santa Barbara with my mom visiting a TV that she is considering buying.
I wish that were a joke.
Huh, 'cause I saw Eric in the concession stand standing with a blonde.
Mike and I just assumed it was you but, I guess it doesn't matter because it wasn't you.
He always does fun stuff when I'm outta town.
Well, I wish that it had been me because I would've loved to have seen you.
I would have loved to have seen you too.
But I guess hello now and um, goodbye.
- Have a great day! - You too! - And we'll see you soon.
- [Elizabeth.]
Bye! (jazzy music) I mean, I did my part.
- I got the ball rolling.
- You did.
Oh, this is gonna horrify you.
Elizabeth said, quote, "He always does fun stuff when I'm out of town.
" - Eric is garbage.
- Jesus.
Just makes me so annoyed that he is just out there doing this to her and she has no clue! Did it seem like what you said registered at all? I don't know, I don't think so, but at least I did what I said I was gonna do and I put the ball in her court.
Wait, did you get the ball rolling or did ya put it in her court? Uh actually, ya know what, I did both.
I gently rolled the ball onto her court.
- OK, great.
- Yeah.
What kinda balls do you roll on a court? Whatever balls you want except two.
I rarely roll your balls onto any court.
I mean, obviously, there are special occasions.
There are? My point is, Elizabeth now has the information.
She can do with it what she will.
You're right.
Ya know, with Amelia at your father's house Yeah? We have an opportunity to do some naked stuff.
Oh, I like naked stuff.
Perfect.
Do you think this is one of those special ball rolling occasions I was referring to? - I think it might be.
- Yeah? Get out your tennis racket.
Let's do this.
(phone vibrating) Oh, that's my dad.
Hey dad, is everything alright? Uh yeah, everything's fine.
Amelia might not wanna spend the night.
OK, should we come over? Um, yeah, I think you should.
Uh, alright.
We'll be there in 20 minutes.
[Dad.]
Make it like 15.
OK, there's a certain amount of time it takes for me to get to your house.
Understood but just quickly as you could, k? OK.
- [Dad.]
OK, bye.
- Bye.
Alright well, Amelia wants to get picked up.
OK, she alright? Yeah, apologize to your balls for me.
Sorry, from Andrea.
Don't say it's from me.
Now they're gonna be weird the next time I see them.
Just be cool.
(upbeat music) Bub, it's not a big deal.
We'll just go home, OK? - OK.
- I'll just get ya in the car.
Alright, I'll be right out.
- OK.
Dad, what happened? - We had a great time.
She had ice cream in bed.
We went to sleep, no problem.
And then she apparently woke up at some point and came in to ask for a glass of water and walked in on Bonnie and I Oh God.
Making love.
- (groans) - Yeah, I know, I know.
I know, I know.
OK, how much of your love making did she see? Not much.
I mean, we stopped immediately.
Immediately, yeah.
I would hope so.
It was very dimly lit.
- You could barely see - Dad! - your own hand.
- I don't understand.
You knew she was in the house.
You couldn't control yourself for one night? I'm a sexual being.
OK, OK, OK.
Andrea, I am so sorry.
No Bonnie, it's fine, things happen.
I'm just sorry that I now have to explain sex to my daughter because her grandfather is a sexual being.
Well why don't you tell her it's just like a train going into a tunnel.
I'm sorry, I thought you said you stopped.
There was a train to witness? And also, the tunnel? She just saw my back.
She may not have even known it was me.
If it wasn't you, who would it have been? An intruder.
So to be clear, you want me to say and intruder broke into the house and sexually assaulted Bonnie? No, no.
You know, we didn't mean for any of this to happen.
- Obviously.
- We had no intention of being intimate tonight and then Bonnie just started initiating.
OK, thank you so much for watching my daughter.
Anytime.
No.
Hm, well that's fair.
(cheery music) Ah, so, how'd it go? Well, not surprisingly, she had a couple questions.
Oh boy, was she upset? No, I just kinda matter of factly told her how babies are made.
She seemed to get it.
- OK, that's good.
- Yeah, except now she wants to know when Bonnie's having a baby.
- Oh my God.
- Yeah.
I never really thought about it.
There are two very distinct sex talks.
One of them is the aforementioned procreation and then there's the lesser discussed recreational sex.
- Oh my God, you're right.
- I mean, we're all just so focused on gettin' through that first conversation, but if you think about it, it's the recreational sex that's gonna be the most relevant to Amelia over her lifetime.
Did you explain both kinds? Oh God no, I'm too tired.
This is not the way I saw this night going.
Come here.
I know you've been taking the brunt of this one.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah well, I'm sorry that my dad ruined our game of tennis.
For us and frankly for all fans of the sport really.
You really aced that metaphor.
Well now you've ruined metaphors, so.
I'm just gonna head to my room.
(upbeat music) - Morning.
- (sighs) Holy shit.
- What? - I had a very erotic dream.
- Oh, tell me more.
- OK.
Mr.
Castellotti and I were having sex in a hotel room in what I think was San Diego.
Wow, did not see that coming.
You know who did see me coming? Mr.
Castellotti.
Oh God, at one point, I felt his mustache on the small of my back.
- On the small of your back? - Yeah (laughs).
Was he on his knees behind you? Yes! How did he put his mustache on your back? I don't know, it was like he was praying to my butt.
- Sounds so sexy.
- It's really not.
Maybe I should call cheater Eric and find out how he juggles two lovers.
Always good to get advice from experts.
I actually can't even joke about that.
I know we discussed it but should I tell Elizabeth? No, I think you did all you're supposed to do.
I know but I just can't stop thinking about it.
[Mike.]
I know.
- Oh God.
- [Mike.]
What? I just remembered Mr.
Castellotti had on a jean jacket and at a certain point, I wore the jean jacket and felt exhilarated.
This dream has a lot of parts.
Mr.
Castellotti's got a lot of parts.
Eww.
Didn't feel good.
I mean, his parts did, obviously, in the dream, but this saying it now didn't.
You got it.
Unfortunately, I do.
(upbeat music) Hey Sophie! Oh, I like that dress! You look so pretty! I also happen to know you are very good at math.
So, good for you for all of that.
Hey Andrea.
Oh, hi, hey, how are you? Good! - Oh, by the way, I spoke to Eric.
- Oh? Yeah, he said that he wasn't even at the movies this weekend, so that must have been someone else.
It must have been.
Yeah! Well please, tell him that he has got, I mean, like an identical twin just Really? Lookin' around the movies.
He'll be so happy.
Will he? OK.
My God, no, - let me grab that.
- Thank you so much.
What is in here? - I know, it's the glitter glue.
- Glitter glue? [Mr.
Castellotti.]
Ms.
Warren, good morning! Oh, good morning.
Here, let me take your box and put it up against the wall.
Great.
Please put my box against the wall.
That would be lovely.
I'm gonna go.
Have a great day to you both.
You too.
Sorry.
(upbeat music) Dad, you really didn't have to take me out to lunch.
I know but I like spending time with my daughter.
I wanted you to know how really sorry I am about what happened the other night.
Thank you.
It's fine.
We just had to have the how babies are made conversation a little sooner than anticipated.
Oh before I forget, Amelia's very interested in when Bonnie's due date is and also, if you have any ultrasounds scheduled, - she'd love to attend.
- What? Ya know, because when you have sex, it's to make a baby.
You didn't tell her that Bonnie is too old to have a baby? You mean, did I explain menopause to my six year old? No, I decided to hold off on that talk until I walked her through what a vasectomy is.
(sighs) I think that sounds like sarcasm.
It's just steps.
It's like you have to go baby steps.
Hi, welcome to the Sherman.
My name is Jamie, I'll be taking care of you today.
Now, first off, have you dined with us before? Yes, we have! No, I haven't.
Well, welcome back and welcome! Now, we are a farm to table kitchen that focuses on family style.
We bring out each dish as soon as it's ready.
- Great.
- Now, right now, we're on our winter menu which means we're featuring butternut squash, pears, and root vegetables.
- Yes, good.
- That sounds fabulous.
Alright, I think Well, let me walk you through the menu while we're still here.
On the first page, you'll find our smaller plates and on the back, you'll see our larger, more traditional entrees.
Huh.
Any questions? No, thank you! Great, very thorough.
I'll be right back.
- Great.
- Thank you.
Dad, never say it's your first time at a restaurant.
Always lie.
Actually, I have eaten here before.
What? What is happening? Let the man have his moment in the spotlight.
Well you are just a saint, Saint Martin.
You give, give, give, give.
Thank you and what else is going on in your life, by the way? Ugh, this is a little crazy.
So, Amelia's got this amazing teacher's aid, Elizabeth.
I saw her husband at the movies with a woman that was not his wife.
Did you tell her that he's cheating on her? I mean, I tried to bring it up, but I'm not getting more involved.
No, it's your responsibility to tell her.
Why is it my responsibility? I barely even know this woman.
It's not OK that this guy is walking around out there, you know, cheating on her.
Dad, I have to say, I'm a little surprised that you have such strong, conservative views on cheating considering your current arrangement.
Honey, an open relationship doesn't mean no rules.
[Andrea.]
Alright.
Do you have any idea how much trust it takes to do what we do? Honestly, I try not to think about it.
I'm always happy to answer any questions.
Dad, let me tell you right now.
I'm never gonna have any questions.
[Waiter.]
Alright, have we made some decisions, folks? Yes, we are ready to order.
I'd like to hear about some of your signature cocktails.
Oh, of course.
Now, we have our own version of the old fashion.
But right now, we're serving it with clove bitters.
Dad, are you considering ordering a clove bittered old fashion? I'm weighing my options.
Oh, just curious? Mmhmm, just curious.
(upbeat music) So Bonnie's not having a baby? No honey, I'm sorry.
Why not? Well, because sometimes grown ups - do that thing that we talked about - Sex.
Yep, sex.
Sometimes grown ups have sex not because they wanna make a baby but because it feels good and it makes them feel close to each other.
Why does it feel good? Well, ya know how a hug feels so good? This is like a very long, sometimes not that long, um, lying down hug.
Do you and Daddy do those hugs? Ya know what, sometimes we do actually, because we love each other.
That sounds nice.
Well, it is.
Next time you do that, I wanna watch.
Hearing it back in my head now, I can see why that would maybe be the takeaway.
Could I do that hug with you? No.
You cannot.
That's not a hug we wanna do.
But I will give you a hug right now.
(smooching) So, goodnight to you and to you, Walter.
If you guys wanna do a hug, I mean, a different kind of hug, do it! Great.
(upbeat music) So, now she wants to watch us have sex? What did you say to her? I don't know! I think I just oversold the allure of horizontal hugs.
That was one of the most uncomfortable conversations I've ever had in my life and I have had some uncomfortable conversations in my life.
- Oh God.
- Great.
It's all 'cause your dad couldn't keep his D in his P.
First of all, stop coming onto me.
I appreciate it but now is not the time.
- Sorry.
- Bright side, now at least we don't have to worry anymore about what Amelia's first sexual image is gonna be.
How is our daughter seeing your father having sex a bright side? Mike, this could've been so much worse.
Rachel's nine-year-old was shown a bunch of internet porn at a sleepover.
Now her first sexual image is of a woman getting splattered in the face.
- What? - You know, it's like these first sexual images, they kind of imprint on you, right? I mean, regardless, even if it's gross, it gives you your first tingles and that sets up connections for life.
What happens when your first tingles are from watching a woman get gangbanged? Jesus Christ.
Yeah, how does that warp your perspective on sex, right? Yeah.
Images are very powerful.
Look at me and Ted.
Who's Ted? Mr.
Castellotti.
Oh, is that his first name? I don't know, but that's what I was screamin'.
- Cool.
- Mmhmm.
Why don't you just get yourself a beer? - Because I'm drinking water.
- Hmm.
(jazzy music) Why are you staring at Mr.
Castellotti? It's just good for me to see him in this unflattering light.
Why? Don't worry about it.
Oh no, no, no, now I'm very worried about it.
OK, I had a sex dream of Mr.
Castellotti and it was very erotic and it felt intensely real and now I'm experiencing a lot of emotions towards him, mostly sexual in nature.
This is a great day.
No, don't get hysterical, alright, because I think the muffin crumbs just embedded in his mustache got me to the other side.
Rewind, rewind.
Tell me the dream, tell me the dream.
You don't need to know much, OK? We were in San Diego.
- Uh huh.
- He was wearing a satin boxer brief, which normally would horrify me, but in the dream, somehow I needed it against me.
Not even want it.
- No, I needed it.
- (bell ringing) Bye bubs, have a good day! Have a great one, Izzy.
- Good morning! - Hi Elizabeth.
See ya Liz.
- I have a question.
- Yeah? How well do you know Elizabeth? Very well.
- Very well? - Yeah.
Your daughter's not even in her class! Why do you know her very well? You know I like to be involved.
Yes, I am aware.
Well, I saw her husband Eric at the movies clearly having an affair.
Oh shit.
Yeah.
Did you say anything? I mean, I hinted at it but it's a little hard to hint that your husband's sprinkling his dick all over town.
Sprinkling his dick? What did you see at this theater? I saw things, OK? Well, maybe she just doesn't wanna know.
Maybe, but I don't know.
Maybe she wants to know more.
Why am I having to suffer because of his sexual proclivities? Man, her folks are paying for Eric to go to law school next year.
- Are you serious? - That's what she said.
OK, well that is bullshit.
OK, fuck him.
- (upbeat music) - (bell ringing) Alright bubs, why don't you go play for a few minutes? I wanna talk to Ms.
Elizabeth.
Can I play on the slide? You don't have to ask me that.
You literally play on it every day.
OK.
- Hey Elizabeth.
- [Elizabeth.]
Hey! Can I talk to you for a second or are you in the middle of [Elizabeth.]
Of course, what's up? OK, I just wanted to let you know that when I saw Eric at the movies, I remembered that he was paying with a credit card when he was there with someone else.
Wow.
Yeah.
I just thought I should tell you that part.
Shit.
I'm OK if you wanna say fuck.
Fuck? Yeah.
(upbeat music) Hey Andrea.
Hey! Elizabeth hi, how are you? I'm OK.
I just wanted to tell you that I checked the credit card bill.
- Oh God.
- And you were right.
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's been going on for over a year.
Oh my God.
I am so sorry.
OK ya know what, no offense, but again, fuck him! Not anymore.
Yes obviously, not anymore.
No, no.
I guess there's nothing really particularly helpful I can say right now.
Nope, there is not.
I will see you at pick up.
Yes.
You have a great day.
Thank you, you too.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
How'd it go? Jesus Christ, creeper.
I'm part Native American, I sneak up easy.
You are not part Native American.
But I do sneak up easy.
Alright, I will give you that.
So, how was that? It was fine, it was fine.
- She's gonna be fine.
- OK, good.
I'm proud of you.
OK, I'm not interested in garnering your patronizing praise.
- This wasn't for you.
- Well, you're a good girl.
Eww, do not pat me! Go ahead, do mine.
That's soothing, thank you.
Really? - Yes, thank you.
- This? - Thank you.
- OK.
- That's friendship.
- Then we'll just do that.
- That's how friendship works.
- OK great.
- Look at us.
- May I touch your face? No you may not.
OK, forgive a man for being really proud of you.
Ugh saved.
You have everything you need? Yep.
Mommy, do I have to have a baby when I grow up? Uh no, not if you don't want to.
Good, then I'm only gonna do it for fun.
- Bye! - [Amelia.]
Bye! So, what did that mean? - Nothing.
- Really, 'cause it sounded like she said that she didn't wanna have a baby but then she said she was only gonna do it for fun.
Sex, Ryan.
Sex for fun.
My daughter is only gonna have sex for fun.
That is her mission in life, alright? Can we just now move along with our lives? Uh, you never fail to bring sunshine into my day.
- No, you don't get to walk.
- I'm walkin' away before you.
[Andrea.]
No, I am walking.
(upbeat music) Hey guys, good morning! Hey, good mornin'.
How'd you sleep last night? Good! Any restless tossing and turning? Filled with desire? Seriously? You told them? Andrea, I had one of two things that I could've told them.
Mmhmm, mmhmm.
I had a sexual dream about Mr.
Castellotti and it was erotic and arousing.
His mustache went up and down the small of my back.
He entered me many times and exited a similar amount.
- That's good news.
- Yes, I'm so happy that we all now know this.
I hope you all have a great day.
I'm going to go kill myself.
- Thank you so much.
- OK.
Just keep it low.
Maybe tuck it in your sweater a little bit.
Are we not allowed to bring in our own candy? Well, there's no official rule, but ya know, they sell their own candy here.
So, they might not love us bringing our own in.
Yeah honey, let Mommy hold it in her purse.
That's a good idea.
- [Girl.]
OK.
- Thank you.
Oh hey, isn't that um, Elizabeth's husband, Eric? [Man.]
Who's Elizabeth? Amelia's teacher's aid, ya know, - we met em at the book fair.
- Oh yeah.
- And he was applying to law school.
- Yeah, he was asking me about oil.
Exactly.
I wonder if Elizabeth's here.
Uh, no, she is not here.
That is not Elizabeth.
- Are you sure that's Eric? - Mmhmm, 100%.
OK it's noon and that man has already been inside her today, right? Yeah, I think a couple times.
Jesus, OK, bubs, come on.
[Associate.]
Tickets.
- Thank you.
- [Associate.]
Thank you.
Can I have my candy in your purse now? Just wait until we're further in the theater, come on.
Why? Just keep walking.
When do they start being cool? Unclear.
(upbeat music) What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to say something to Elizabeth now? I really don't know.
I mean, it's one thing if it's one of my best friends, if it's Jennifer or Kyle, obviously I'd say something, but I barely know this woman.
I'm gonna tell her that her husband is cheating on her? If it was me, honestly, I don't even think I would say something 'cause you could possibly be ending their marriage.
I'm not ending their marriage.
It's Eric's constant whipped cream on the nipples level of effing that is gonna end the marriage.
Is it his nipples or her nipples? All the nipples Mike, trust me.
They're all covered in whipped cream and sweat.
Chill man, I'm eating this yogurt.
You know what, I think I actually would wanna know especially if I was her age.
She's ya know, she's young, she doesn't have kids yet.
She has a career, like she can do whatever she wants.
She doesn't need this.
No, you're right, that's true.
She should know now.
I think I'm just gonna tell her that I saw Eric at the movies with someone and then, if that peaks her interest, she can investigate further.
- Question for you.
- [Woman.]
Yeah? Since you're my best friend, would you tell me if I was being cheated on? No, I would tell Jennifer.
Why? Because she's my best friend.
I'm not your best friend? No, I mean, I love you but, you're not my best friend.
I'm not really your best friend, am I? Of course.
Oof, that is embarrassing for you.
Often, it is.
This is why you're not my best friend.
Stuff like this.
Now I'm not putting yogurt on your nipples.
Sorry.
(crunching) Not today, Mike, not today.
(upbeat music) Come on.
That's so sweet.
- Is it? - Yeah.
I don't know why you're so weird about Mr.
Castellotti.
I mean, he's great with those kids.
Sure, for a 70s cop who plays by his own rules.
Is he a cop who plays by his own rule or a cop who does stuff by the book? Eh, actually probably by the book.
That stache is all about those Miranda rights, - you know what I'm sayin'? - Yes.
- You do? - Yes and no.
Which part no? I don't understand the stache reading Miranda rights to somebody.
So his mustache - has the capac - (bell ringing) - Oh, my God! - I understand.
Oh my God, alright smushy, don't forget that Grampy's picking you up today.
You got your big sleepover tonight! Grampy lets me have ice cream in bed.
Well sounds like you're gonna have a pretty good night.
- [Girl.]
Yeah! - Bye smooch! Hey! Elizabeth! Oh hey Andrea! - Oh my God.
- How are you? I'm good, I'm good.
You know what, I think I saw you on Saturday.
Were you at the movies? I wish, I was in Santa Barbara with my mom visiting a TV that she is considering buying.
I wish that were a joke.
Huh, 'cause I saw Eric in the concession stand standing with a blonde.
Mike and I just assumed it was you but, I guess it doesn't matter because it wasn't you.
He always does fun stuff when I'm outta town.
Well, I wish that it had been me because I would've loved to have seen you.
I would have loved to have seen you too.
But I guess hello now and um, goodbye.
- Have a great day! - You too! - And we'll see you soon.
- [Elizabeth.]
Bye! (jazzy music) I mean, I did my part.
- I got the ball rolling.
- You did.
Oh, this is gonna horrify you.
Elizabeth said, quote, "He always does fun stuff when I'm out of town.
" - Eric is garbage.
- Jesus.
Just makes me so annoyed that he is just out there doing this to her and she has no clue! Did it seem like what you said registered at all? I don't know, I don't think so, but at least I did what I said I was gonna do and I put the ball in her court.
Wait, did you get the ball rolling or did ya put it in her court? Uh actually, ya know what, I did both.
I gently rolled the ball onto her court.
- OK, great.
- Yeah.
What kinda balls do you roll on a court? Whatever balls you want except two.
I rarely roll your balls onto any court.
I mean, obviously, there are special occasions.
There are? My point is, Elizabeth now has the information.
She can do with it what she will.
You're right.
Ya know, with Amelia at your father's house Yeah? We have an opportunity to do some naked stuff.
Oh, I like naked stuff.
Perfect.
Do you think this is one of those special ball rolling occasions I was referring to? - I think it might be.
- Yeah? Get out your tennis racket.
Let's do this.
(phone vibrating) Oh, that's my dad.
Hey dad, is everything alright? Uh yeah, everything's fine.
Amelia might not wanna spend the night.
OK, should we come over? Um, yeah, I think you should.
Uh, alright.
We'll be there in 20 minutes.
[Dad.]
Make it like 15.
OK, there's a certain amount of time it takes for me to get to your house.
Understood but just quickly as you could, k? OK.
- [Dad.]
OK, bye.
- Bye.
Alright well, Amelia wants to get picked up.
OK, she alright? Yeah, apologize to your balls for me.
Sorry, from Andrea.
Don't say it's from me.
Now they're gonna be weird the next time I see them.
Just be cool.
(upbeat music) Bub, it's not a big deal.
We'll just go home, OK? - OK.
- I'll just get ya in the car.
Alright, I'll be right out.
- OK.
Dad, what happened? - We had a great time.
She had ice cream in bed.
We went to sleep, no problem.
And then she apparently woke up at some point and came in to ask for a glass of water and walked in on Bonnie and I Oh God.
Making love.
- (groans) - Yeah, I know, I know.
I know, I know.
OK, how much of your love making did she see? Not much.
I mean, we stopped immediately.
Immediately, yeah.
I would hope so.
It was very dimly lit.
- You could barely see - Dad! - your own hand.
- I don't understand.
You knew she was in the house.
You couldn't control yourself for one night? I'm a sexual being.
OK, OK, OK.
Andrea, I am so sorry.
No Bonnie, it's fine, things happen.
I'm just sorry that I now have to explain sex to my daughter because her grandfather is a sexual being.
Well why don't you tell her it's just like a train going into a tunnel.
I'm sorry, I thought you said you stopped.
There was a train to witness? And also, the tunnel? She just saw my back.
She may not have even known it was me.
If it wasn't you, who would it have been? An intruder.
So to be clear, you want me to say and intruder broke into the house and sexually assaulted Bonnie? No, no.
You know, we didn't mean for any of this to happen.
- Obviously.
- We had no intention of being intimate tonight and then Bonnie just started initiating.
OK, thank you so much for watching my daughter.
Anytime.
No.
Hm, well that's fair.
(cheery music) Ah, so, how'd it go? Well, not surprisingly, she had a couple questions.
Oh boy, was she upset? No, I just kinda matter of factly told her how babies are made.
She seemed to get it.
- OK, that's good.
- Yeah, except now she wants to know when Bonnie's having a baby.
- Oh my God.
- Yeah.
I never really thought about it.
There are two very distinct sex talks.
One of them is the aforementioned procreation and then there's the lesser discussed recreational sex.
- Oh my God, you're right.
- I mean, we're all just so focused on gettin' through that first conversation, but if you think about it, it's the recreational sex that's gonna be the most relevant to Amelia over her lifetime.
Did you explain both kinds? Oh God no, I'm too tired.
This is not the way I saw this night going.
Come here.
I know you've been taking the brunt of this one.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah well, I'm sorry that my dad ruined our game of tennis.
For us and frankly for all fans of the sport really.
You really aced that metaphor.
Well now you've ruined metaphors, so.
I'm just gonna head to my room.
(upbeat music) - Morning.
- (sighs) Holy shit.
- What? - I had a very erotic dream.
- Oh, tell me more.
- OK.
Mr.
Castellotti and I were having sex in a hotel room in what I think was San Diego.
Wow, did not see that coming.
You know who did see me coming? Mr.
Castellotti.
Oh God, at one point, I felt his mustache on the small of my back.
- On the small of your back? - Yeah (laughs).
Was he on his knees behind you? Yes! How did he put his mustache on your back? I don't know, it was like he was praying to my butt.
- Sounds so sexy.
- It's really not.
Maybe I should call cheater Eric and find out how he juggles two lovers.
Always good to get advice from experts.
I actually can't even joke about that.
I know we discussed it but should I tell Elizabeth? No, I think you did all you're supposed to do.
I know but I just can't stop thinking about it.
[Mike.]
I know.
- Oh God.
- [Mike.]
What? I just remembered Mr.
Castellotti had on a jean jacket and at a certain point, I wore the jean jacket and felt exhilarated.
This dream has a lot of parts.
Mr.
Castellotti's got a lot of parts.
Eww.
Didn't feel good.
I mean, his parts did, obviously, in the dream, but this saying it now didn't.
You got it.
Unfortunately, I do.
(upbeat music) Hey Sophie! Oh, I like that dress! You look so pretty! I also happen to know you are very good at math.
So, good for you for all of that.
Hey Andrea.
Oh, hi, hey, how are you? Good! - Oh, by the way, I spoke to Eric.
- Oh? Yeah, he said that he wasn't even at the movies this weekend, so that must have been someone else.
It must have been.
Yeah! Well please, tell him that he has got, I mean, like an identical twin just Really? Lookin' around the movies.
He'll be so happy.
Will he? OK.
My God, no, - let me grab that.
- Thank you so much.
What is in here? - I know, it's the glitter glue.
- Glitter glue? [Mr.
Castellotti.]
Ms.
Warren, good morning! Oh, good morning.
Here, let me take your box and put it up against the wall.
Great.
Please put my box against the wall.
That would be lovely.
I'm gonna go.
Have a great day to you both.
You too.
Sorry.
(upbeat music) Dad, you really didn't have to take me out to lunch.
I know but I like spending time with my daughter.
I wanted you to know how really sorry I am about what happened the other night.
Thank you.
It's fine.
We just had to have the how babies are made conversation a little sooner than anticipated.
Oh before I forget, Amelia's very interested in when Bonnie's due date is and also, if you have any ultrasounds scheduled, - she'd love to attend.
- What? Ya know, because when you have sex, it's to make a baby.
You didn't tell her that Bonnie is too old to have a baby? You mean, did I explain menopause to my six year old? No, I decided to hold off on that talk until I walked her through what a vasectomy is.
(sighs) I think that sounds like sarcasm.
It's just steps.
It's like you have to go baby steps.
Hi, welcome to the Sherman.
My name is Jamie, I'll be taking care of you today.
Now, first off, have you dined with us before? Yes, we have! No, I haven't.
Well, welcome back and welcome! Now, we are a farm to table kitchen that focuses on family style.
We bring out each dish as soon as it's ready.
- Great.
- Now, right now, we're on our winter menu which means we're featuring butternut squash, pears, and root vegetables.
- Yes, good.
- That sounds fabulous.
Alright, I think Well, let me walk you through the menu while we're still here.
On the first page, you'll find our smaller plates and on the back, you'll see our larger, more traditional entrees.
Huh.
Any questions? No, thank you! Great, very thorough.
I'll be right back.
- Great.
- Thank you.
Dad, never say it's your first time at a restaurant.
Always lie.
Actually, I have eaten here before.
What? What is happening? Let the man have his moment in the spotlight.
Well you are just a saint, Saint Martin.
You give, give, give, give.
Thank you and what else is going on in your life, by the way? Ugh, this is a little crazy.
So, Amelia's got this amazing teacher's aid, Elizabeth.
I saw her husband at the movies with a woman that was not his wife.
Did you tell her that he's cheating on her? I mean, I tried to bring it up, but I'm not getting more involved.
No, it's your responsibility to tell her.
Why is it my responsibility? I barely even know this woman.
It's not OK that this guy is walking around out there, you know, cheating on her.
Dad, I have to say, I'm a little surprised that you have such strong, conservative views on cheating considering your current arrangement.
Honey, an open relationship doesn't mean no rules.
[Andrea.]
Alright.
Do you have any idea how much trust it takes to do what we do? Honestly, I try not to think about it.
I'm always happy to answer any questions.
Dad, let me tell you right now.
I'm never gonna have any questions.
[Waiter.]
Alright, have we made some decisions, folks? Yes, we are ready to order.
I'd like to hear about some of your signature cocktails.
Oh, of course.
Now, we have our own version of the old fashion.
But right now, we're serving it with clove bitters.
Dad, are you considering ordering a clove bittered old fashion? I'm weighing my options.
Oh, just curious? Mmhmm, just curious.
(upbeat music) So Bonnie's not having a baby? No honey, I'm sorry.
Why not? Well, because sometimes grown ups - do that thing that we talked about - Sex.
Yep, sex.
Sometimes grown ups have sex not because they wanna make a baby but because it feels good and it makes them feel close to each other.
Why does it feel good? Well, ya know how a hug feels so good? This is like a very long, sometimes not that long, um, lying down hug.
Do you and Daddy do those hugs? Ya know what, sometimes we do actually, because we love each other.
That sounds nice.
Well, it is.
Next time you do that, I wanna watch.
Hearing it back in my head now, I can see why that would maybe be the takeaway.
Could I do that hug with you? No.
You cannot.
That's not a hug we wanna do.
But I will give you a hug right now.
(smooching) So, goodnight to you and to you, Walter.
If you guys wanna do a hug, I mean, a different kind of hug, do it! Great.
(upbeat music) So, now she wants to watch us have sex? What did you say to her? I don't know! I think I just oversold the allure of horizontal hugs.
That was one of the most uncomfortable conversations I've ever had in my life and I have had some uncomfortable conversations in my life.
- Oh God.
- Great.
It's all 'cause your dad couldn't keep his D in his P.
First of all, stop coming onto me.
I appreciate it but now is not the time.
- Sorry.
- Bright side, now at least we don't have to worry anymore about what Amelia's first sexual image is gonna be.
How is our daughter seeing your father having sex a bright side? Mike, this could've been so much worse.
Rachel's nine-year-old was shown a bunch of internet porn at a sleepover.
Now her first sexual image is of a woman getting splattered in the face.
- What? - You know, it's like these first sexual images, they kind of imprint on you, right? I mean, regardless, even if it's gross, it gives you your first tingles and that sets up connections for life.
What happens when your first tingles are from watching a woman get gangbanged? Jesus Christ.
Yeah, how does that warp your perspective on sex, right? Yeah.
Images are very powerful.
Look at me and Ted.
Who's Ted? Mr.
Castellotti.
Oh, is that his first name? I don't know, but that's what I was screamin'.
- Cool.
- Mmhmm.
Why don't you just get yourself a beer? - Because I'm drinking water.
- Hmm.
(jazzy music) Why are you staring at Mr.
Castellotti? It's just good for me to see him in this unflattering light.
Why? Don't worry about it.
Oh no, no, no, now I'm very worried about it.
OK, I had a sex dream of Mr.
Castellotti and it was very erotic and it felt intensely real and now I'm experiencing a lot of emotions towards him, mostly sexual in nature.
This is a great day.
No, don't get hysterical, alright, because I think the muffin crumbs just embedded in his mustache got me to the other side.
Rewind, rewind.
Tell me the dream, tell me the dream.
You don't need to know much, OK? We were in San Diego.
- Uh huh.
- He was wearing a satin boxer brief, which normally would horrify me, but in the dream, somehow I needed it against me.
Not even want it.
- No, I needed it.
- (bell ringing) Bye bubs, have a good day! Have a great one, Izzy.
- Good morning! - Hi Elizabeth.
See ya Liz.
- I have a question.
- Yeah? How well do you know Elizabeth? Very well.
- Very well? - Yeah.
Your daughter's not even in her class! Why do you know her very well? You know I like to be involved.
Yes, I am aware.
Well, I saw her husband Eric at the movies clearly having an affair.
Oh shit.
Yeah.
Did you say anything? I mean, I hinted at it but it's a little hard to hint that your husband's sprinkling his dick all over town.
Sprinkling his dick? What did you see at this theater? I saw things, OK? Well, maybe she just doesn't wanna know.
Maybe, but I don't know.
Maybe she wants to know more.
Why am I having to suffer because of his sexual proclivities? Man, her folks are paying for Eric to go to law school next year.
- Are you serious? - That's what she said.
OK, well that is bullshit.
OK, fuck him.
- (upbeat music) - (bell ringing) Alright bubs, why don't you go play for a few minutes? I wanna talk to Ms.
Elizabeth.
Can I play on the slide? You don't have to ask me that.
You literally play on it every day.
OK.
- Hey Elizabeth.
- [Elizabeth.]
Hey! Can I talk to you for a second or are you in the middle of [Elizabeth.]
Of course, what's up? OK, I just wanted to let you know that when I saw Eric at the movies, I remembered that he was paying with a credit card when he was there with someone else.
Wow.
Yeah.
I just thought I should tell you that part.
Shit.
I'm OK if you wanna say fuck.
Fuck? Yeah.
(upbeat music) Hey Andrea.
Hey! Elizabeth hi, how are you? I'm OK.
I just wanted to tell you that I checked the credit card bill.
- Oh God.
- And you were right.
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's been going on for over a year.
Oh my God.
I am so sorry.
OK ya know what, no offense, but again, fuck him! Not anymore.
Yes obviously, not anymore.
No, no.
I guess there's nothing really particularly helpful I can say right now.
Nope, there is not.
I will see you at pick up.
Yes.
You have a great day.
Thank you, you too.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
How'd it go? Jesus Christ, creeper.
I'm part Native American, I sneak up easy.
You are not part Native American.
But I do sneak up easy.
Alright, I will give you that.
So, how was that? It was fine, it was fine.
- She's gonna be fine.
- OK, good.
I'm proud of you.
OK, I'm not interested in garnering your patronizing praise.
- This wasn't for you.
- Well, you're a good girl.
Eww, do not pat me! Go ahead, do mine.
That's soothing, thank you.
Really? - Yes, thank you.
- This? - Thank you.
- OK.
- That's friendship.
- Then we'll just do that.
- That's how friendship works.
- OK great.
- Look at us.
- May I touch your face? No you may not.
OK, forgive a man for being really proud of you.
Ugh saved.
You have everything you need? Yep.
Mommy, do I have to have a baby when I grow up? Uh no, not if you don't want to.
Good, then I'm only gonna do it for fun.
- Bye! - [Amelia.]
Bye! So, what did that mean? - Nothing.
- Really, 'cause it sounded like she said that she didn't wanna have a baby but then she said she was only gonna do it for fun.
Sex, Ryan.
Sex for fun.
My daughter is only gonna have sex for fun.
That is her mission in life, alright? Can we just now move along with our lives? Uh, you never fail to bring sunshine into my day.
- No, you don't get to walk.
- I'm walkin' away before you.
[Andrea.]
No, I am walking.
(upbeat music) Hey guys, good morning! Hey, good mornin'.
How'd you sleep last night? Good! Any restless tossing and turning? Filled with desire? Seriously? You told them? Andrea, I had one of two things that I could've told them.
Mmhmm, mmhmm.
I had a sexual dream about Mr.
Castellotti and it was erotic and arousing.
His mustache went up and down the small of my back.
He entered me many times and exited a similar amount.
- That's good news.
- Yes, I'm so happy that we all now know this.
I hope you all have a great day.
I'm going to go kill myself.
- Thank you so much.
- OK.