Impastor (2015) s02e06 Episode Script

Previously on "Impastor" [gunshot.]
I'm leaving you because I can't stand you.
You don't have the balls, Sparky.
Is that right? Buddy, Ray says you have an hour to get him his money or he's gonna kill me.
[gunshot.]
Let's see what kind of hooligan we're dealing with here, huh? [screams.]
I'm telling you, I was this close to crushin' his windpipe when he bit me! I just hope I didn't get rabies from this cannibal.
Well, must be the same man neither of us can identify who burned my car.
Moving on.
Uh, now that Bishop Perkins is retiring, we need to make his final visit a memorable one.
- In a good way, Dora.
- Ugh.
Please just let it go, Alden.
- Let what go? - [laughs.]
The year was 2014.
The event: Bishop Perkins' annual visit.
What went wrong? Everything.
Here we go, Bishop.
I made your favorite, lemon Echinacea tea.
Oh, you shouldn't have gone to all that trouble.
Oh, no, no trouble at all.
And be sure to help yourself to one of my world famous "Apple Dora's.
" No thanks, I never liked them.
What? [screams.]
[screams.]
That scalding hot water turned his sock into a blast furnace.
When he took it off, the skin came with it.
They say you could hear his screams all the way to Pineville.
It was an accident, okay? I just had a reaction to his utter lack of taste in homemade fruit pastries.
The Bishop's only been back once since then, - and Alden suggested - Ordered.
That Dora keep her distance.
But I have planned a musical tribute for the Bishop that is sure to redeem me from this unfortunate if not overblown incident.
Jeez, I don't know how any song can make up for torching his tootsies.
But maybe.
Pastor, we need to make the Bishop's final weekend in Ladner flawless.
I'm counting on you to be the perfect host.
Me? Pass.
[chuckles.]
Buddy.
The Bishop always stays with the pastor when he's in town.
A whole weekend? There was no way he wouldn't find out I was a fraud.
You know, a distinguished guest like him shouldn't have to deal with a roomie.
I should clear out for a while.
Nonsense, no.
The Bishop said specifically, he needs to talk to you about some of the unorthodox things you've been doing around here.
Well I can't wait till he gets here.
'Cause if I do, it's game over.
[upbeat music.]
How could I possibly last a weekend with the Bishop? Was it too late to pretend I didn't speak English? [knocks.]
- Buenos dias.
- Morning, Pastor.
I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd stop by.
Well, my door is always open.
Evidently.
I was hoping you could help me with something.
Do you know this man? No, no I've never seen him before.
- Who is he? - His name's Ray Florez.
Spent eight years in prison for arson.
We think he's the guy who torched your car.
Great.
Did you arrest him? I didn't think it was necessary since he's dead.
Dead? How? Cause of death hasn't been officially determined.
But the bullet in his chest probably had something to do with it.
[sighs.]
Poor soul.
Would you pray with me? [gospel piano music.]
[hums.]
Amen.
Pastor, why do you think a man who just got out of prison would drive across country to threaten a church in Ladner? I have no idea.
Well, if you think of anything, give me a call.
Will do.
- Thanks, Sheriff.
- Mmhmm.
You know, my daddy was a preacher.
I spent a lot of time in pastors' studies.
And this is the first one I've ever been in that didn't have a Bible on the desk.
Got it memorized.
Oh, right.
Once upon a time.
Okay, you guys, I cannot stress enough how important it is that we send Bishop Perkins off with an amazing performance.
Yeah, or Dora could end up in some real "hot water.
" [all giggling.]
Yes, Larry, we all know you're the funniest crossing guard in Ladner.
Okay, okay, I'll stop "tea-zing" her.
[all giggling.]
Ya burnt.
But not as bad as the Bishop's foot.
Oh, zing! Larry, I will end you.
Okay? I mean it.
I will take you and I will put you at the end of this row and you will no longer be center choir.
Dora, I will handle this.
All right, we all know this is Dora's last chance to make up for her humiliating assault of the Bishop.
So focus up! Thank you, Russell.
Ray's dead? Buddy, did you No! Why would you even think that? Oh, because the Kenny thing.
Yes, because of the Kenny thing! How come every time you save me from someone, they end up dead? Would you rather have it the other way around? If you didn't kill Ray, who did? - I have no idea.
- This isn't good.
If the Sheriff figures out that Ray is connected to Kenny, we could both be screwed.
Well, she's not gonna figure it out as long as we keep our story straight.
What did you tell her? She showed me his picture.
I said I've never seen him before.
That's it.
As long as you say the same thing, we're good.
Are you sure you're telling me the whole truth? I swear on the Bible.
And as your pastor, you know that's like a big thing.
You guys okay with lemonade? Yes, that's fine.
Hurry it along, would you, I want to talk to you.
Whatever the Bish was gonna grill me about, I had to be prepared.
Gentlemen, here we go.
[sighs.]
Oh, oh, oh, not that one.
Put my thumb in it.
Here we are.
- Alden.
- Thank you.
So you're hanging up the old bishop's uni, huh? Yes.
It is time to pass the baton to my successor.
Well, Heinrich Steuben is a fine man.
I'm sure he'll fill the position with grace and dignity.
- Steuben's an ass.
- Never liked him.
We need someone to grow our church and lead us into the future.
And that's why I am recommending Pastor Barlow.
[both spit.]
What? He's not qualified! He's right, I'm not.
That kind of modesty is one of the reasons I want you.
What other reason could you possibly have? You're young, you're progressive, you've raised church attendance, and you've increased donations.
He's gay! Another plus.
Thanks, Alden.
You're the perfect man to be the spiritual leader of this region's 87 churches.
I could barely fool one church, but 87? No way.
I'm gonna need some more lemonade.
Hi, Sheriff.
Can I show you anything? No, I'm just browsing.
But if you ever have a 95% off sale, let me know.
[chuckles.]
Oh, but hey, while I'm here, can you look at something for me? You ever seen this guy? - No.
- Hmm.
I'm confused, because Alden Schmidt told me he definitely remembers seeing this man in your store.
Oh.
Well, he's probably right.
I get a lot of customers.
Yeah, I can see that.
I noticed you have security cameras.
Do you mind if I take a look at the tapes? No, not at all.
Uh, now that I have you alone, I'd like to talk to you about my impending split with Hilva.
What about it? Well, I'd like you to sanction the divorce.
Your blessing would ensure that my standing in the community remains tip-top.
Divorce isn't something I or the church take lightly.
On what ground would I sanction it? You could declare Hilva a witch.
Very few would dispute it.
Alden, the church hasn't done that in 300 years.
So there is precedent.
Hello, Bishop.
Welcome back to Ladner one last time.
Thank you.
I'll never forget this place.
My lingering limp won't let me.
[laughs nervously.]
You sure won't be easy to replace.
Actually, I've already chosen a successor.
- You're not gonna believe this.
- Pastor Barlow.
Buddy? O-M-G, he's a Lutheran rock star! Well, we really should be going.
We don't want to be late for our tee time.
That's a golf tee, not the tea you use as a weapon.
[sighs.]
Buddy can't leave.
He just got here.
Dora, I feel if you love someone, set him free.
And then follow him to whatever city he's in, buy a condo next door, and persist until he moves in with me.
You gave her the security tape? I had to! If I didn't, it would look too suspicious.
Especially after I just lied to her because you told me to.
Great, now she's gonna know I lied too.
[knocking on door.]
man: Pastor? I got to go.
Uh, just a second.
Come in! I thought that we could have a little - [coughs.]
- Oh.
You caught me smoking marijuana.
Something that's legal in Oregon, but not very bishop-like.
Is this something you do often? Well, not too often for a pastor, but probably too often to hold any higher office.
Well, on this matter, I always like to turn to Genesis.
Which album? Genesis 1:29.
"God gives us every seed-bearing plant to use.
" As far as I'm concerned, you have violated neither His law, nor man's.
What a relief.
Listen, you know, I get that you are hesitant about this promotion, but, uh, I'd like to know why.
Because I don't feel I'm worthy.
[burps.]
You think I felt worthy? You grow into it.
Of course, there are downsides.
Traveling all the time, and you won't be able to perform as many services as you do now.
I'd miss that.
The perks of this job are sick.
Ugh.
The bishop's house in Seattle gorgeous.
I get wined and dined.
I play golf three times a week.
Concerts, trips, sporting events whatever I want, my flock provides it.
[chuckles.]
It's good to be the Bish, huh? I got four speeding tickets last year.
Guess how many I paid? Zilch.
Pretty hard not to speed in a church-provided Beemer.
5 or 7 Series? Your call.
There's only one rule you must follow: always put the church first.
You do that, and you pretty much can do whatever you want.
You know what, Your Highness? I think I was born to be a bishop.
[grandiose organ music.]
"Farewell, Sweet Buddy," take four.
Webster's defines "buddy" as another word for friend, but you're so much more than that.
B is for "best," which is what you are.
U is for "us," which now may never be.
D is for Dang! Why can't I get through this? [exhales.]
"Farewell, Sweet, Buddy," take five.
[knocking.]
Hiya.
- Hey.
- I'm sorry to pop by so late.
No problem.
What's up? Well, I have something that I want to read to you.
"My calling is to serve and my greatest love is to help those in need.
" Know who wrote that? Abe Lincoln.
- Kanye.
- You.
In your application for this job.
And I meant it.
Then maybe you shouldn't be bishop.
Buddy, my grandpa always used to say, "if you love baking pies, don't go into the pie-baking business.
" Was he a little off? Oh, total bonkers.
But I think what he was trying to say is, you'll be so busy doing business stuff that you won't have time for the things that you actually love.
Like teaching Bible study or counseling church members or visiting the sick.
Look, Dora, my hands are tied.
It's the Bishop's call.
And on the bright side, most of those sick people will be gone soon anyway, so they won't miss me.
But I will.
But they won't.
So you're telling me this is the same guy in both pictures? I don't see it.
Mm-hmm? So what were you two talking about? I think he came in to ask for directions.
Did you talk to him after that? No, I did not.
Now, I really have to get going Just one more question.
Can you explain these phone records? Huh, looks like he has an unlimited plan.
Still gettin' screwed on the data, though.
According to this, you spoke to Ray Florez three times the day he was murdered.
Oh, this must be the same guy who made the phone threats.
Yeah, he called me about burning the church, so I counseled him to be a better Christian.
And then he torched your car.
I didn't say I was good at it.
You know, someone might think that this was personal between you two.
That he pushed you too far and you took matters into your own hands.
Are you accusing me of something? Are you afraid I'm accusing you of something? Are you afraid I'm not afraid of you accusing me of something? Are you afr never mind.
I won.
Uh, I was wondering if you had given any thought to my request regarding, uh, the D word.
I have.
Alden, you hold considerable influence over our more conservative, stodgy, inflexible members.
Oh, thank you.
And I would like you to use that influence in backing my selection as Pastor Barlow for bishop.
Gabriel, the man is as lightweight as my Members Only jacket.
But in turn, you would sanction my divorce? It would be unethical for me to trade one for the other, but yes.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
Bishop.
Have you seen Alexa? Pastor Barlow, I just want you to know you have my full support for bishop.
- Really? - Yeah.
You seemed pretty against it yesterday.
Changed my mind.
Yeah, so let me know if you need anything.
Anything at all.
Well, uh, I did notice a new set of golf clubs in your trunk.
You you want my golf clubs? He wants your golf clubs, Alden.
I I haven't used them yet.
Oh, even better.
I can break 'em in.
Thanks, pal.
Alexa, hey.
I'm outside.
Are you in the church? Hi, Mom, I can't talk now.
I'm here with the Sheriff.
I told her Ray was asking for directions.
No, I am not in trouble.
I just ran into her on the way to church.
Love you.
[chuckles.]
Buddy, here.
It's everything I want to say.
Don't open it till you get to your new job.
Why does it smell so salty? I sealed it with my tears.
And it fell into my aquarium.
And while all human life is precious, we can also be thankful that the Lutheran hater who terrorized our church is no longer with us.
On a more positive note, to close this service, here's our musical director, Dora Winston, with a special tribute to our beloved Bishop Perkins.
[organ music.]
I'm sorry, I just I need to say something.
Can it wait till after my solo? Bishop Perkins, I know that you want Pastor Barlow to succeed you and I think that he would do a great job.
But you're making a mistake.
I don't think you realize how much Pastor Barlow means to this congregation.
How much better he's made things since he's been here.
How much we love him.
I know you're thinking about what's best for the church, but what about what's best for this church, huh? I mean, did you ever even consider that? We are the ones that took a chance on him and he is the best thing that ever happened to us and, frankly, we need him here and you can't just take him away, God damn it! [all gasp.]
[saxophone melody.]
Bishop.
Listen.
About the GD bomb I'm so sorry.
Oh, there's no need to apologize.
Some things are beyond your control.
Good, so my bishop train's still running on schedule? It will be as soon as you relieve Dora of her church duties.
What? You want me to fire her? Language like that cannot be tolerated in the Lord's house.
As the leader of this congregation, it is your responsibility to set a strong example.
Bishop Perkins, I am so sorry.
I did not mean to take the Lord's name in vain.
I tried to save it with my sax solo, but that was a tall order.
I think people liked it though, right? Pastor? [tense music.]
I couldn't let Dora down, but I really needed to move away from here.
Maybe I could do both.
At times like these, I ask myself: What would Jesus do? And one thing he was known for, I'm guessing, is forgiveness.
So, like Jesus, I'm not only gonna forgive Dora; I'm gonna ask her to come with me when I become bishop.
Pastor Barlow, I respect your decision, but you did not put the church first.
Your clubs.
I'm sorry, you cannot be bishop.
My clubs.
Bish Buddy, I'm so sorry you don't get to be bishop, but I sure am glad you're staying.
- Bring it in.
- [chuckles.]
[upbeat music.]
I'm glad too.
Oh, I'm gonna need that envelope back.
Unless, of course, you want to keep it to truly understand - how deeply and pass - Here you go.
Thank you.
[knocking.]
The Sheriff didn't buy the "Ray was asking for directions" story.
She said people always point when they're looking for directions.
Why didn't you point? Because I wasn't giving directions.
Look, she surprised me, so I had to come up with something.
Yeah, well every time you come up with something, it makes me look like a liar.
Whoa, slow down.
- Relax.
- Easy for you to say.
You weren't involved in a bank robbery.
She doesn't have anything concrete.
We just have to stay the course.
If she ties Ray to Kenny, it is only a matter of time before I lose everything.
That's not gonna happen.
Nobody knows you're connected to Kenny.
- You do.
- Well, I'm not gonna say anything.
- How can I trust that? - Because I'm telling you.
You have told me a lot of things that I have trouble believing.
Alexa As long as you are around, I am in danger.
Really? If I wasn't around, you'd be dead.
And if I wasn't around, you'd be dead.
Really? How's that? The woods, Buddy.
I could've let you die out there.
[tense music.]
What are you talking about? You know what I'm talking about.
The guy with a gun to your head.
You shot him?