InSecurity (2011) s02e06 Episode Script

I can't believe I found this.
He is so wasted.
N'udu made fun of me for spilling gravy on myself at the Christmas party.
He said I was a lightweight.
Now that's a man who didn't pace himself.
[laughing.]
Ah, a good lunchtime laugh, recharge those batteries.
Ha ha! What are we laughing at? Oh, no, you guys.
Oh.
I suppose you think this is funny.
Come on, we've all had our nights.
This was not a night.
This was taken after three months in Ganzi captivity.
I was in the desert, starving.
N'udu, we didn't know.
My hands were up to protect myself from the burning sun scorching my skin.
- I-- I should go.
- I am so sorry.
I hope you understand if I destroy this picture! Ooo, that was close.
- I was so wasted at that party.
- We both were.
That's why we should never drink with guys from surveilence.
I'll cancel Friday.
InSecurity S02E06 Spies of a Certain Age It's a big briefing package marked "Urgent, Alex Cranston," kind of important, hence the "urgent".
Thank you.
[exhales.]
Sometimes I wonder what the guys in shipping do all day.
Play ping pong.
We're supposed to be safeguarding the country.
It's shipping.
Yeah, plus I got them a table.
I get my packages a lot faster.
I still haven't gotten the backgrounder on the cyber attacks.
You will.
The Ministry's sending over some cyber terror specialist to work with you.
What's wrong with Derek? It's one of your great qualities, you're nice to the geeks.
Hey, Derek.
Ah, no.
No, no.
We got it.
- So who's this specialist? - Noah something.
Sorry to stick you with another mouth breather but you gotta figure out who's been hacking the databases over at Foreign Affairs.
Well, I look forward to meeting him.
That makes one of us.
Enjoy the clammy handshake.
We're investigating a guy who bought copper pipe, not taking on the Republican Guard.
He also bought timers and wires.
I made a list.
Burt, relax.
It's a road trip.
We'll do some work, but we'll have fun, too.
What's this? Our suspect lives in wine country.
There's a new release of Zinfandels I want to try.
I don't think you're taking this seriously.
We get lots of calls like this.
Nine times out of ten, it's nothing.
And we get a free road trip.
So one time out of ten it is something.
Here.
Open these and pour them in my cup holder.
These are the IP addresses I've traced and here are the ST logs from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs.
Great.
I'll get on this.
Looking forward to working together.
- Closely, I hope.
- Love the T-shirt, Noah.
Oh, thanks.
It's a bearded guy.
Does anyone know where Alex Cranston's office is? - It's over there.
- Hey, man, I'll bring it to her.
I should go introduce myself.
See you guys.
[sighs.]
I wonder if he'll friend me.
I'm hot for nerds.
Alex Cranston? You look new, so let me give you a tip.
A little hustle won't hurt your street cred.
I'm Noah, Noah Johansen, Senior Information Securities Analyst, National Defence.
We're working together.
Right.
Nice to meet you.
You aren't what I expected.
And what did you expect? - Um, well-- - Glasses, sweat pants.
- Comic books.
- I just sold my comics.
Paid for my eco trip to the Galapagos.
There were boobies everywhere.
Well, we've all had some crazy trips.
- I meant the marine bird.
- Me too.
Big birder.
We should meet again, after you've had a chance to read through all of that.
- That would be good.
- Great.
[exhales.]
We might have a lead on the hacker.
That's good.
Alfred Chow, current whereabouts unknown.
Noah made the ID matching some code Chow wrote with patterns in the hacker's decryption program.
Noah did all that? Yep.
And he changed our wireless password so the caf workers can't steal our Internet.
[sighs.]
Cute, huh? - Yeah.
You know, young.
- Still hot.
ALEX: He has a toque hanging out of his back pocket.
Yeah, it's like his butt is playing Capture the Flag with me.
Ah, nice.
Are you sure we shouldn't get separate rooms? Why pay for two when we can pocket the per diem and spend it on a nice steak dinner? We're meeting our contact tomorrow morning at seven.
- Maybe we should-- - Don't worry.
We'll be up nice and early.
But tonight we eat like kings.
Kings who share a motel room.
With vibrating beds.
Okay.
I'm gotta take a quick shower and then we hit the town.
Hey, hey.
Ah! Whoa, somebody sure had a cold.
Chow's already hacked one ministry.
If we don't stop him, there might be more.
I'll put the word out to the hacktivist underground, - See if it stirs anything up.
- Good work.
Cool.
I should get going.
Got an ultimate game.
Of course you do.
Are you ageist or something? - Hardly.
- Prove it.
Join me for a drink later.
I've got work to do.
Oh, well, I have work too, but one drink's not gonna kill us.
Good night, Noah.
Good night, Mrs.
Cranston.
I could kick your pants in a game of quarters.
Kick my pants? Is that what you yell at the youngsters from your porch? Should I bring you fake I.
D.
or are you good? [whistling.]
[water running.]
WOMAN ON TV: And over here, we've completely remodelled your breakfast nook.
Oh, wow, it's beautiful.
[thud.]
Aaah! You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Just, uh showering s-- s-- some more.
Okay.
WOMAN ON TV: Wait till you see the basement.
Oh, damn, I missed the reveal of the craft room.
[ringing.]
Hello? - You chickened out, didn't you? - No, I haven't.
I'll be there in 15.
And be ready, 'cause this old dog's got plenty of new tricks.
Uh, drinking tricks.
Also, I'm not old.
Okay.
I'll see ya then.
Hey, Alex, a few of us are doin' beer and ping pong in the mail room.
You in? Actually, I'm kinda tired.
I think I might just head home.
- Big day tomorrow.
- Hm, always so disciplined.
Well, if you change your mind, you know where we are.
But, uh, don't tell Derek, hm? Okay.
Bye.
[water running.]
You almost done in there? Yeah, I'm comin'.
[grunting.]
Aah! Tabarnak! [knocks.]
Oh.
Okay.
Uh Oh.
Um.
Okay, I'm just gonna cover up this area a little bit, first.
I can't get up.
[grunting.]
Oh, please tell me I just grabbed a loofah.
Claude, Claude.
Hey, good morning.
- How are you feeling? - Good, never better.
- Good.
- Good.
Ah, about last night I have seen a lot of man naked in my days, so - I didn't mean it like that.
- I don't want to talk about this.
And I don't want you to ever talk about this ever! Right.
Okay.
I'm going to go shower, and thanks to you, I know the tub is slippery.
Burt.
- Yep.
- I think I need help getting dressed.
- Right.
- Okay.
- Aw.
- Good morning.
Hey, I made by signature chocolate trial mix.
- Everyone loves it.
- Thanks.
Just put a pile of it on my desk.
- Oh.
Someone hungover? - I felt fine.
Whoa.
If you need something to make you feel better, May I suggest another dose of what we did last night.
I'm okay.
Thanks.
You left so early this morning.
You didn't get a chance to meet my roommate.
[ nervous chuckle .]
Oh.
I found your sock.
- In my kitchen.
- I'll get it later.
- Thanks.
- No problem, babe.
[ whispering .]
Let's just play cool, okay? When I was a young boy, I remember having to go to the bathroom.
Don't.
And it wasn't long after I was potty trained, so my little bum was way too small for the seat.
Please don't.
And the next thing I knew, I fell backwards.
And there I was, stuck, hanging in the toilet.
Please stop.
I cried and I cried and my parents had to break the door in, and there I was and they just laughed and laughed.
Why are you doing this to me? I'm just saying that you're not the only one who's ever been naked and vulnerable.
I wanna go now.
Okay.
Good talk.
Good talk.
[grunting.]
- Oh, boy.
- Okay.
- Slow.
Slow.
- All right.
- Okay.
- There you go.
- Aah! - Sorry.
We've got some new leads on the whereabouts of Alfred Chow.
I'll take Noah in the van.
That sorta came out creepy, didn't it? Yes, it did.
Noah is just here to assist us on technical objectives.
[yawns.]
Uh-oh.
Someone pulled an all-nighter.
Oops.
Seriously, dude, getting bombed on a work night? If you're gonna steal a page from the McNeil playbook, at least learn how to hide the evidence.
Back of the hand, dead giveaway.
I make them stamp the small of my back.
Okay.
Well, let's wrap up the meeting, shall we? Sure.
Well, good to have you aboard, but if I catch you nappin', don't think I won't draw a dink on your face.
I can't get over that kid.
He looks like he should be mowing lawns at my golf club.
Yep.
He sure is young.
Is he even older than the Internet? Yes, I'm sure-- oh, I don't even wanna think about it.
I think you need alcohol.
Oh, I really don't.
I meant the stamp.
So, you and Noah, eh? - I don't know what I was thinking.
- I have a pretty good idea.
Someone shoplifted from The Cradle Depot.
You're the one who said he was hot.
I like to look at mountains too, but I'm not gonna climb one.
He's more mature than you'd think.
[text beep.]
His texts are certainly mature.
Can he physically do that? [text beep.]
Oh, and there's the photo to prove it.
His parents were in Cirque du Soleil.
So, tonight I was thinking we could just grab a slice.
There's a cool deal goin' on at ZeZe's.
- Let's just talk about this later.
- What? I can't talk about a pizza and pop special at work? It's three bucks.
- This isn't playing it cool.
- Fine.
Well, I'm gonna go print off that flyer.
Noah.
Don't you hurt him.
There's nothing going on.
Oh, ho, I know what's going on.
When I was 18, I attended boarding school in England.
- Met a 50-year-old princess.
- 50? I'm 31.
The point is, he's impressionable, you are seaworthy.
I get it.
I'm still insulted, but I get it.
And the princess chose a monarchy over me.
Left me with nothing but a fortune of sexual experience.
- I've got this under control.
- Do you? 'Cause all I can see is a young N'udu, doe-eyed and naked on the palace balcony.
I see a guy printing off pizza coupons.
Yeah, we can both be right.
The perfect vantage point.
We're totally concealed.
- And concealment is important.
- Hm? - Ah, sorry.
That-- that wasn't about-- - Never mind.
I'll be lookout.
- I'll just be a few minutes.
[deep sigh.]
You relax to the sounds of - RADIO: Police in Kanata have smashed - the news.
a multi-million dollar drug smuggling ring.
Twenty-two pounds of heroin was seized along with a small amount of cocaine, marijuana, and hashish.
[turns radio off.]
Uh-oh.
Burt.
[static.]
Burt, you're compromised.
Damn it.
[starts engine.]
PETER: Let me ask you something.
You think I could pull off a nose ring? Oh, it's very easy, just one quick tug.
No, I meant-- Never mind.
I'll stick with the nipple.
JOJO: We hit Chow's safe house.
We just missed him, but we managed to snag his hard drive and some okay CDs.
Nice work.
And Alex, see if you can get Short Pants to get anything off the, uh, hard drive.
Alex? Short Pants? Where the hell is everybody? [grunting.]
[grunting.]
Oh, sacrifice! Burt.
[yells.]
Oh, uh, hi.
You okay, buddy? Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
Finally.
I've been dying to get my hands on you all day.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You are sweet and fun and your face is so tight and springy.
I don't know what we're doing, but we can't do it here.
- I take my job very seriously.
- Meaning? Meaning no whispering, no hand holding, no calling me babe.
What about this? Good news, Boy Genius.
We got Everything okay here? - It's cool.
- We're good.
So, fun day at the office? Let's just forget about the whole thing and move on with the investigation.
Mm, what investigation is that? Alfred Chow or Archie Andrews downstairs? I was trying to act professionally.
It's not my fault he kissed me.
Geez, Alex, you invited the kid to the server room.
That place is hook-up central.
I once caught the Minister in there rounding third with a Page.
Don't repeat that.
You know what? I just wanna work.
So if we can move on and start going through the Chow evidence.
Oh, yes, let's move on and go through the Chow evidence.
Thank you.
If you can do it as fast as you go through young coworkers, it should be a cakewalk.
What are you doing rolling around in my driveway, anyway? Uh, I'm a crop insurance salesman.
And the rolling around was a separate matter.
- Insurance, huh? - Yeah.
So, what, you come to pick poor farmers' bones, is that it? My family ran a farm for decades in Quebec.
And if only they'd had crop insurance, we'd be having this conversation over the best celery you have ever tasted.
Whoa! Anyone seen Noah? I sent him back to National Defence.
Some of us can resist his boyish charms.
Then who's decrypting the hard drive? Derek can handle it.
He's the man.
Aren't you, Derek? Peter, you know it should be Noah doing this.
Why? Because Derek isn't handsome enough? Don't listen to her, buddy.
You're man candy.
You only sent Noah home because we slept together.
You slept together? Oh, I get it.
Too tired to play ping pong, but not too tired to play bing bong? Can we stop talking about this in front of Derek? I'm done talking about you and your boyfriend.
He's not my boyfriend.
We just hooked up.
And, actually, I'm kinda regretting it.
What? Hey, what are you doing here? Derek called me.
He thinks he might have accidentally opened a Trojan horse virus.
Cold.
It is such a shame that your crops were wiped out.
Yeah.
An insurance policy would have covered the depreciation on the copper pipe.
How did you know about the pipes? I asked at the Co-op.
Uh, the wealthiest farmers buy the most supplies, so they tend to buy the most insurance.
Who'd you ask at that store? A big woman.
You know, laughed a lot, uh, and-- That actually doesn't sound like anybody who works there.
Maybe it was a man.
It was very dusty there.
All right, who are you, really, Mister? I'm just a guy that can't tell the difference between men and women.
RCMP Special Unit! No one move.
Oh, man, this bad.
Sir, remain calm.
I'm here to protect you.
Protect me? We've been tracking this con artist for months.
It looks like I got here just in time.
Now, give me the bat.
Darn RCMP.
I almost had him, too.
Don't feel bad.
He's tricky, this one.
Pretends to have a bad back to get a foot in the door.
- [grunts.]
Don't you, buddy.
- Hey, hey, easy, easy.
My father had chronic back pain, you lying son of a-- Come on, let's go.
[grunts.]
Thanks for your cooperation.
We'll need to keep the bat for evidence.
Why are you both leaving in his vehicle? Because it's stolen? Then, why is he driving? Just leave the questions to me, sir.
How's it going? I thought I could pipe a new bash command through Port 99, but this Trojan's using selective PPM.
Doesn't sound good? If I overclock the autosysadmin, I can reslot the packets through a phantom tollbooth.
This explains the fast hands.
I need to shunt this code through an active subterminal.
Derek, open a new webpage.
I can do that.
And that's how you save the world.
[applause.]
Good job, Derek.
And Noah.
Did you find any pipes? Yup.
Along with timers, wires, gasoline.
It's a grow-op.
Better put the call into the real RCMP.
You bet, Road Trip Buddy.
[groans.]
Your back still bad? [sighs.]
You put my underwear on backwards.
Noah.
Thank you.
And I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry.
If you're not into me, you're not into me.
I like you.
It's just that I'm in my 30s and focused on my career.
You're 21 and just getting started.
- No, I'm 20.
- You are? No.
But I will be in a month.
Great working with you, Noah.
And best of luck to you in all your endeavours.
Good.
He's available.
N'UDU: Ooh, he is gonna hurt for a while.
Then he'll try and date other royals to make her jealous, but it won't work.
Then he'll lose faith in humanity, join the Ligerian Secret Service, and eventually settle in Ottawa.
While you work through that, I'm gonna poach me some nerd meat.
Yeah.
Well, I guess I owe you an apology.
You know, from doubting your judgement.
My judgement is not always perfect, especially when it comes to guys.
- Don't dwell about that.
- Nope, lesson learnt.
Never date a guy you work with.
Well, not all rules should be hard and fast.
Might even be worth discussing over beer and ping pong.
Sorry, I gotta go.
All right, kiddo.
I woulda schooled ya anyway.
Not only am I going to take your ping pong dignity, but I'm also going to drink all your beer.
- I'm so scared.
- I know you are.
- Actually, I kind of am.
- Mm-hmm.
Subtitle by: Kiasuseven