Inside Comedy (2012) s02e06 Episode Script

[music.]
- SO YOU NEVER THOUGHT OF GOING THE STAND-UP COMEDY ROUTE BECAUSE THAT WASN'T YOUR STYLE ANYWAY SO-- - WELL, I ACTUALLY WENT TO COLLEGE STUDYING SPORTS JOURNALISM, SO I WAS GONNA BE THE NEXTWHOEVER.
- RIGHT.
- BUT I GOT DONE WITH COLLEGE, AND I REALIZED, OH, THAT'S JUST AS HARD.
- EVERYTHING'S HARD.
- EVERYTHING'S HARD.
- EVERYTHING'S HARD, RIGHT.
- AND I DID-- I HAD THE NAGGING THING OF WANTING TO TRY COMEDY, AND SO I DID TRY STAND-UP.
- OH, YOU DID? BEFORE THE GROUNDLINGS.
- BEFORE THE GROUNDLINGS, KIND OF IN CONJUNCTION.
- DO YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING THAT YOU DID? - UH - ANYTHING, ANY-- - YEAH, I HAD-- - TRY IT ON ME.
- OPENING LINE.
HI, I'M WILL FERRELL.
AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS, BUT I WAS THE ORIGINAL VOCALIST FOR THE THEME TO STAR TREK.
AND IF YOU'LL INDULGE ME, I'D LOVE TO SING IT FOR YOU.
YAY! OKAY.
[vocalizes Star Trek Theme.]
[music.]
[laughter.]
[music.]
AND THEN I WOULD GET-- I'D USUALLY GET APPLAUSE.
AND THEN I'D SAY, UM, "THE REASON WHY I CAN SING THAT WAY IS 'CAUSE I HAVE NO TESTICLES.
" [laughter.]
- THAT'S FUNNIER THAN ANYTHING I EVER DID TO START.
THAT IS SO GREAT.
- SO, UH, YEAH, SO IF YOU KNEW ABOUT STAR TREK, I WAS OFF TO THE RACES.
- OH, YOU KNOW WHAT-- WHAT I LOVE ABOUT YOU IS THAT EVEN THEN YOU COMMITTED AND GO FULL-OUT-- - TO SING THE ENTIRE SONG, YEAH.
- YEAH, 'CAUSE IF IT DOESN'T WORK, YOU'D JUST LOOK LIKE SUCH A SCHMUCK OUT THERE, BUT THAT WAS--THAT WAS-- THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.
YOU GO FULL-OUT, WHICH IS SO GREAT.
- YEAH.
- SO THEN YOU HAD AN ACT.
- YEAH, I KIND OF COBBLED TOGETHER ABOUT 20 MINUTES AT THE MOST, BUT I COULDN'T-- WHAT I FOUND WAS, YOU KNOW, AS YOU KNOW, YOU USUALLY ONLY GET FIVE MINUTES STARTING OUT, AND I DIDN'T TELL JOKES.
- RIGHT.
- AND MY SETUP OFTEN WAS AN HOUR AND A HALF.
- YES, YES, YES.
- BEFORE IT GOT TO THE FUNNY PART.
SO, YOU KNOW, IF I GOT TO THREE JOKES IN FIVE MINUTES, AND THEN IT WAS OVER, AND, UM-- AND ALSO WHEN I FOUND THE GROUNDLINGS, THE SAFETY IN NUMBERS OF SKETCH COMEDY, UH - RIGHT.
- BUT I'D ACTUALLY GONE AND SEEN A GROUNDLINGS SHOW MY SENIOR, UH, MY SENIOR YEAR AT USC.
- MM-HMM.
- AND I IRONICALLY GOT PULLED UP ONSTAGE TO PARTICIPATE IN ONE OF THEIR GROUP IMPROV THINGS.
- PLUCKED YOU FROM THE AUDIENCE.
- YES.
- OH.
- AND I JUST SAT THERE.
I WAS FROZEN SILENT AND DIDN'T PARTICIPATE IN THE GAME THEY WERE DOING OR WHATEVER.
BUT I LEFT THAT NIGHT GOING, WOW, THAT-- - I WANT TO DO THAT.
- I WANT TO DO THAT.
- AND WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST SUCCESSFUL CHARACTER? - YOU KNOW, I TRIED OUT HARRY CARAY AT THE GROUNDLINGS.
HARRY CARAY DOING A PLAY READING.
- OH, GIVE ME JUST A TOUCH OF THAT.
- [imitating Harry Caray.]
DAMN IT, CAROL.
WHAT HAPPENED TO US? WE USED TO LOVE EACH OTHER.
NOW WE CAN'T EVEN LOOK EACH OTHER IN THE EYE.
YOU KNOW, IT WAS JUST THIS MELODRAMATIC THING.
- YEAH.
- AND THERE WAS-- THE ONE THING THAT I DID THAT I THINK GOT ME THE SNL JOB WAS THIS KIND OF SUBURBAN DAD WHO WAS YELLING AT HIS KIDS TO GET OFF THE SHED.
THAT WAS A SKETCH AT THE GROUNDLINGS TOO.
- UH-HUH.
- IT WAS BASICALLY KIND OF A MONOLOGUE WHERE IT'S JUST SOMEONE HAVING A BENIGN CONVERSATION ABOUT, YOU KNOW, "HOW'S YOUR GOLF GAME?" "GREAT.
" AND THEN OFFSTAGE I WOULD YELL, "HEY, HEY, GANG, YOU WANNA GET OFF THE SHED? "HUH? "YOU GUYS WANT TO, UH-- "YOU WANNA GET OFF THAT? OKAY, THANKS.
"ANYWAY, SO, UH, LOOKS LIKE YOU LOST SOME WEIGHT.
YOU FEELING GOOD, YEAH?" - FEEL PRETTY GOOD, YEAH.
- HEY, GET OFF THE SHED! [laughter.]
SO ANYWAY, I, UH, I TALKED TO BOB HENDERSON THE OTHER DAY.
- OH, YEAH? HOW'S HE DOING? - HE MIGHT BE GETTING THAT RAISE.
- REALLY? OH.
- I SAID, GET OFF THE SHED! SO AND--AND WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE SHED LOOKS LIKE.
WE DON'T EVEN KNOW-- I ALWAYS IMAGINED IT WAS JUST, LIKE, A COUPLE FIVE-YEAR-OLDS JUST INNOCENTLY CRAWLING ON SOMETHING.
BUT THIS GUY WAS LOSING IT, AND I DID THAT IN MY AUDITION, AND I STARTED HEARING THAT I WAS BEING CALLED THE "GET OFF THE SHED" GUY.
YEAH, THE GUY WHO YELLS AT THE BARBECUE, AND THEN-- AND THEN I WROTE, AND IT WAS ON-- I GOT IT ON THE FIRST SHOW OF-- MY FIRST SHOW OF THE FIRST SEASON I WAS ON.
[music.]
- SO, BETTY, WHERE ARE YOU FROM? - I CAME OUT TO CALIFORNIA WHEN I WAS A YEAR AND A HALF.
SO I DON'T THINK CALIFORNIA WAS A STATE YET.
I THINK WE WERE STILL A TERRITORY.
- AND SO YOU WERE RAISED IN CALIFORNIA BASICALLY.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- YOU'RE A CALIFORNIA GIRL, REALLY.
- I REALLY AM.
WHEN YOU MOVE OUT WHEN YOU'RE A YEAR AND A HALF, YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE A NATIVE.
- YEAH.
WERE YOU AN OPTIMISTIC PERSON ALWAYS? - YEAH, AND THAT CAN ANNOY PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE A COCKEYED OPTIMIST, THEY GET UP TO HERE PRETTY SOON.
- YOU KNOW, I READ THAT WHEN THEY WERE CASTING YOU FOR THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, SO-- FOR THE SUE ANN NIVENS PART, SO MARY SAID, "WE NEED TO GET SOMEONE WHO'S SICKENINGLY SWEET LIKE BETTY WHITE.
" - YEAH, A BETTY WHITE TYPE WHO'S SICKENINGLY SWEET, AND--AND THEN THEY CAST ME AS THE NEIGHBORHOOD NYMPHOMANIAC, AND IT ALL WORKED OUT.
[laughter.]
- HOW DO YOU PREPARE FOR THAT? FOR THE NYMPHOMANIAC PART? - WELL, IT TAKES RESEARCH.
[laughter.]
- SO, UH, YOU THINK SUE ANN HAS A NEW FELLOW, HUH, TED? - RIGHT.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, LOU? - WHAT? - I'VE GOT A HUNCH SHE'S FOOLING AROUND WITH SOMEONE RIGHT HERE AT WJM.
- IS THAT RIGHT? - YEAH.
- OH, LOU.
I JUST WANTED TO GIVE YOU YOUR SOCKS BACK.
[laughter.]
THEY'RE ALL LAUNDERED.
I PUT LEMON JUICE IN THE WATER.
DON'T THEY SMELL NICE AND FRESH? - YEAH, YEAH.
THANKS, THANKS.
- OH, DON'T MENTION IT.
I'LL BE HAPPY TO DO IT ANYTIME.
- SUE ANN WAS THE HAPPY HOMEMAKER.
SHE COULD DO ANYTHING.
SHE COULD FIX ANYTHING.
SHE COULD MEND ANYTHING.
SHE COULD-- AND THEY'D ASK ALLEN-- - TALKING ABOUT ALLEN LUDDEN.
- MY BELOVED HUSBAND, ALLEN LUDDEN.
AND THEY'D SAY, "HOW CLOSE IS THIS CHARACTER, YOU KNOW, THE NYMPHOMANIAC AND ALL THAT, TO BETTY?" HE'D SAY, "WELL, THEY'RE THE SAME CHARACTER, EXCEPT BETTY CAN'T COOK.
" [laughter.]
[music.]
- SO, WILL, YOU'RE A CALIFORNIA GUY, RIGHT? - I AM.
I WAS BORN IN NEWPORT BEACH.
- MM-HMM.
- RAISED IN IRVINE, CALIFORNIA, A MASTER PLAN COMMUNITY.
IT WAS A GREAT PLACE TO DRIVE YOURSELF CRAZY AND THEN BECOME FUNNY AS A RESULT, YEAH.
- A VERY WHITE COMMUNITY, RIGHT? - YES.
I GREW UP IN AN APARTMENT COMPLEX CALLED PARK WEST, WHICH WAS REFERRED TO AS PARK WATTS BECAUSE THERE WAS ONLY ONE-- THE ONLY BLACK FAMILY IN IRVINE LIVED THERE AS WELL.
SO THAT'S HOW LILY-WHITE IT WAS, YEAH.
- SO WHEN YOU WERE IN THIS COMMUNITY IN IRVINE - YEAH.
- WHEN DID YOU REALIZE THAT YOU WERE FUNNY? - YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS I LEARNED HOW TO DO WAS TO-- IT WAS PHYSICAL COMEDY.
I LEARNED HOW TO PRETEND TO HIT MY HEAD ON THE DOOR AND THINGS WHERE YOU BANG IT WITH YOUR HAND AND TIME IT AND THINGS LIKE THAT.
AND I LEARNED HOW TO DO THINGS LIKE THAT, AND IT WOULD GET A LAUGH.
- SURE.
- AND KIND OF MORE OF A CONSCIENTIOUS CLASS CLOWN.
I'D MESS AROUND FOR A LITTLE BIT, AND IF THE TEACHER SAID, "THAT'S ENOUGH," I'D SAY, "YOU'RE RIGHT.
THAT WAS ENOUGH.
" SIT RIGHT BACK DOWN.
AND THEN IT JUST KIND OF-- IT WAS A WAY TO MAKE FRIENDS AND TO BE FUNNY.
AND, UM, AND THEN IN HIGH SCHOOL, IT WAS A LITTLE MORE OVERT, YOU KNOW.
- YOU WERE CONSCIOUS OF IT.
- I WAS CONSCIOUS OF IT, YOU KNOW.
- IT'S POWER IN A WAY.
- EXACTLY.
AND YET, I STILL HAD MORE OF AN ANDY KAUFMAN APPROACH.
IT WASN'T--I WOULD JUST COME TO SCHOOL IN MY PAJAMAS FOR NO REASON.
THINGS LIKE THAT.
AND, UH, AND PEOPLE WOULD SAY, "WHAT'S GOING ON?" "OH, YOU DIDN'T GET THE-- YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WEAR PAJAMAS.
IT'S PAJAMA TUESDAY.
" AND THEN JUST BIZARRE THINGS LIKE THAT.
- THAT'S VERY BOLD.
- VERY BOLD, YEAH, YEAH.
- SO PEOPLE KNEW YOU WERE FUNNY.
YOUR TEACHERS KNEW YOU WERE FUNNY.
- RIGHT, AND THEY, I THINK, BECAUSE I HAD RESPECT FOR THEM, THEY GAVE ME A LITTLE MORE LATITUDE.
- THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
- YEAH.
- THE THING I READ ABOUT YOUR DAD REALLY INTERESTED ME, IS THAT HE WAS A MUSICIAN, AND HE PLAYED WITH THE RIGHTEOUS BROTHERS? - RIGHT, YEAH.
YEAH, KEYBOARDS, SAXOPHONE.
HE WAS THEIR ROAD MANAGER FOR A LITTLE BIT, AND, UH-- BUT THAT WAS, YEAH, THAT WAS PART OF GROWING UP, WAS GOING TO SEE DAD PLAY IN VEGAS.
- WOW.
- YEAH.
- DID YOU KNOW THE RIGHTEOUS BROTHERS? - YEAH, I ACTUALLY KNEW, YOU KNOW, BILL AND BOB.
- RIGHT.
- AS THEY WERE CALLED.
BILL MEDLEY AND BOBBY HATFIELD, FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW THE RIGHTEOUS BROTHERS.
- SO YOU SAW SHOW BUSINESS AT A YOUNG AGE.
- SURE.
- YOU GOT TO SEE WHAT IT WAS.
SAW SORT OF THE GLAMOUR OF IT IN SOME WAY.
- SAW THE GLA-- YEAH, SAW THE EXCITEMENT.
YOU KNOW, REALLY LOVED WATCHING, YOU KNOW, MY DAD PERFORM, AND-- AND THEN I SAW THE FLIP SIDE.
I SAW THE SIDE WHERE HE WOULD PLAY IN A NIGHTCLUB FOR A YEAR, AND THEN COME BACK HOME AND BE LIKE, "WELL, THAT JOB'S OVER.
" "WHAT HAPPENED?" "THEY DIDN'T SAY.
THEY SAID, 'YOU'RE DONE.
'" AND HE'D HAVE TO START LOOKING AGAIN, SO AS A KID I HAD IT SET IN MY HEAD THAT I WAS NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING IN THE ENTERTAINMENT BUSINESS.
I WAS GONNA HAVE A-- I WAS GONNA HAVE A "REAL JOB.
" - YES.
- AND, UH-- AND I LITERALLY PICTURED MYSELF-- I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANT, BUT I PICTURED MYSELF CARRYING A BRIEFCASE AND WEARING A HAT, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT-- EVEN THOUGH PEOPLE HAVEN'T WORN HATS SINCE THE '50s, BUT I WAS GONNA WEAR A HAT.
I WAS GONNA BRING BACK HATS.
- YOU HAD AN IMAGE.
- AND I HAD AN IMAGE OF GOING TO MY JOB AND LIVING IN A HOUSE AND HAVING A REAL JOB.
- RIGHT, SURE.
- OF COURSE, I DIDN'T DO THAT.
- YEAH.
- WHAT HAPPENED? - YOU GOT LOST ALONG THE WAY.
- I-I DON'T KNOW, YEAH.
I BLEW IT.
- YOU BLEW IT.
- THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED, YEAH.
[music.]
- AND, BETTY, YOU STARTED IN RADIO, I WOULD IMAGINE, RIGHT? IN RADIO SHOWS? WAS THAT AROUND WHEN YOU WERE STARTING OUT? - THE GREAT GILDERSLEEVE WAS MY FIRST JOB.
- OOH, I LOVED THE GREAT GILDERSLEEVE.
WHAT DID YOU PLAY ON THE GREAT GILDERSLEEVE? - MY FIRST EPISODE I HAD ONE LINE.
I HAD TO SHOUT "MERRY CHRISTMAS.
" BUT IT WAS MY FIRST JOB.
IT GOT ME INTO THE UNION.
- YES, THAT'S A BIG THING.
AND SO LIFE WITH ELIZABETH, THAT WAS THE FIRST TELEVISION SHOW.
- YES.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- YEAH, MY FIRST, AND IT WAS GREAT FUN.
- AND THAT WAS A HIT SHOW.
- OH, WE HAD FUN.
WE HAD GREAT FUN.
I THINK IT WAS 1949 OR '50.
- WOW, THAT'S SO EARLY FOR TELEVISION.
- BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.
- I WISH.
- OH, I THINK IT WAS.
- I'M GONNA GO WITH THAT.
AND THEN THE GOLDEN GIRLS, THAT WAS, LIKE, MUST HAVE BEEN A FUN SHOW IN SOME WAYS.
- OH, THAT WAS-- THAT WAS JUST A BLESSING.
WE HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME.
AND HERE I AM AGAIN-- TALK ABOUT THE LUCKIEST OLD BROAD ON TWO FEET-- HERE I AM AGAIN WITH THREE WONDERFUL GALS TO WORK WITH, VALERIE BERTINELLI AND WENDIE MALICK AND, UH, JANE LEEVES.
- IN HOT IN CLEVELAND.
- HOT IN CLEVELAND.
HOW DO YOU LUCK INTO THOSE THINGS? - THAT IS SO GREAT.
- CLEAN LIVING PAYS, THEY SAY.
IT CAN'T BE THAT.
- BUT IT'S--IT'S--IT'S-- [laughter.]
BUT IT'S SORT OF SIMILAR TO THE GOLDEN GIRLS IN SOME WAY, HOT IN CLEVELAND, ISN'T IT? - ONLY THE NUMBERS, ONLY THE NUMBERS, BECAUSE THERE ARE FOUR OF US.
- THERE ARE FOUR OF US, RIGHT.
- SO NATURALLY IT DRAWS A COMPARISON, BUT THEY'RE ALTOGETHER DIFFERENT CHARACTERS.
- YOU KNOW, I ACTUALLY DIRECTED ONE OF THE GOLDEN GIRLS.
WHEN I STARTED DIRECTING FOR THE FIRST TIME-- - I REMEMBER.
- YEAH, YEAH, I CAME ONTO THE SET, AND I'LL NEVER FORGET, YOU WERE ADORABLE.
EVERYONE WAS ADORABLE.
AND THEN I--I HAD TO GIVE A NOTE TO BEA ARTHUR.
AND I SAID, "BEA, COULD YOU, INSTEAD OF STANDING THERE, MIGHT YOU JUST SIT ON THAT LINE?" AND SHE SAID, "WHY IN GOD'S NAME WOULD I DO THAT?" - BEA HAD HER OWN OPINIONS, LET ME PUT IT THAT WAY, AND-- - I SAID TO HER, "NO NEED TO BRING THE DEITY INTO THIS.
"IT'S JUST A DIRECTOR GIVING YOU A NOTE TO SIT DOWN, "AND YOU DON'T WANT TO.
I'M OKAY WITH THAT.
" - "JUST SAY NO, BUT DON'T YELL AT ME.
" I KNOW, I KNOW.
- SHE WAS TOUGH, BEA.
SHE WAS TOUGH.
- SHE WAS TOUGH.
AND I THINK BEA HATED ME.
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY.
I DIDN'T--I LOVED HER.
I REALLY DID.
AND HER TALENT WAS INCOMPARABLE, EVEN IF SHE DIDN'T WANT TO SIT DOWN AT THAT POINT.
- YES, YEAH.
AND THEN RUE WAS A FRIEND OF YOURS, RUE MCCLANAHAN, RIGHT? - OH, RUESY WAS OUR BUTTERFLY.
- SHE WAS YOUR BUTTERFLY.
- RUE WAS WONDERFUL.
- YEAH.
- AND ESTELLE GETTY, OF COURSE.
OH, SHE PLAYED THIS OLD LADY.
SHE WAS NOT AN OLD LADY.
- RIGHT.
- SO SHE HAD TO WEAR THE WIGS AND DO ALL THE OLD LADY MAKEUP.
- YEAH.
- SO ONE SUMMER WHEN WE WERE ON HIATUS, SHE GOT A FACE-LIFT.
AND THE MAKEUP MAN NEARLY WENT CRAZY, 'CAUSE HE HAD PUT ALL THESE LINES IN AND STUFF.
EVEN WHERE MAYBE THERE'D BE A LITTLE START TO GIVE HIM A SUGGESTION, ALL OF A SUDDEN HER FACE WAS LIKE THIS.
HE SAID, "WHAT DO I DO?" - THAT'S HILARIOUS.
SO THAT'S GOTTA UPSET THE PRODUCERS.
- IT CAUSED SOME CONSTERNATION, LET ME PUT IT THAT WAY.
- AND SO ALL OF THEM ARE SO MEMORABLE, EVERY PART THAT YOU'VE PLAYED, BETTY.
- THE WRITERS, THE WRITERS, THAT'S WHERE IT IS.
YOU CAN'T DO IT IF IT ISN'T ON THAT PAGE.
ACTORS LOVE TO TAKE CREDIT FOR-- "OH, YES, I PLAYED SO-AND-SO AND I PLAYED SO-AND-SO.
" IF IT ISN'T ON THE PAPER, YOU'RE OUT OF BUSINESS.
AND I NEVER, EVER FAIL TO GIVE THEM EVERY BIT OF THE CREDIT.
[music.]
- SO SNL JUST BECAME YOUR PLAYPEN FOR WHATEVER YOU WANTED TO DO, AND YOU JUST OWNED IT.
- YEAH, I GOT REALLY LUCKY IN THE SENSE THAT WE CAME IN AS--I THINK IT WAS EIGHT NEW CAST MEMBERS AND AN ENTIRE-- A BRAND-NEW WRITING STAFF, AND, UH--AND LORNE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH US, SO HE HAD TO USE ALL OF US.
YOU KNOW, HE HAD TO LITERALLY THROW US ALL.
AND SO THE WRITERS STARTED USING ME A LOT, TRUSTING ME, AND, UH, UM AND I GOT TO WRITE MYSELF, AND, AND-- - AND WAS CHERI OTERI IN SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE AT THAT POINT? - WE WERE HIRED TO-- YEAH, WE WERE HIRED TOGETHER.
AND, UH, CAME UP WITH THE CHEERLEADER SKETCH THERE AT THE SHOW 'CAUSE WE HAD, UH, WE WERE KINDA HALFWAY THROUGH THAT FIRST SEASON, AND WE WERE LIKE, "GOD, WE HAVEN'T WRITTEN ANYTHING YET.
LET'S SIT DOWN AND--" AND SHE HAD--SHE HAD BEEN A CHEERLEADER IN HIGH SCHOOL, AND I HAD ONE MALE CHEERLEADER IN MY HIGH SCHOOL.
- UH-HUH.
- AND HE WAS TECHNICALLY REALLY GOOD.
HE COULD JUMP UP AND TOUCH HIS TOES AND DO THE SPLITS AND CARTWHEELS, BUT HE WAS MERCILESSLY RIDICULED FROM THE KIDS, BUT HE DIDN'T CARE.
HE JUST KEPT DOING-- - HE WAS-- - HE WAS FANTASTIC.
- HE LOVED WHAT HE WAS DOING.
- HE LOVED WHAT HE WAS DOING, EVEN THOUGH A BARRAGE OF INSULTS WERE BEING HURLED AT HIM THROUGH THE ENTIRE GAME, YEAH.
[laughter.]
- IT'S THAT COMMITMENT.
- SO I HAD A LOT OF ADMIRATION FOR HIM.
- YES.
DO YOU THINK HE KNOWS THAT YOU'RE DOING HIM IN SOME WAY? I DOUBT IT.
- I-I--PROBABLY NOT.
YEAH, YEAH.
- WAS IT VOLATILE AT SNL? - EXTREMELY.
I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU-- NO, NOT--NO.
- IT WASN'T THEN.
THERE WAS A TIME WHEN IT WAS, BUT I THINK IT WAS EARLIER.
- YEAH, THAT SEASON BEFORE WAS ONE OF THOSE PERIODS WHERE IT WAS THE "SATURDAY NIGHT DEAD" HEADLINES WERE COMING AROUND.
- OH, OH, YES.
- IT WAS LIKE A DOWN-- - YES, IT WAS LIKE-- - SO WE HAD OUR BACKS AGAINST THE WALL.
WE WERE EITHER GONNA BE-- WE WERE GONNA KINDA CONTINUE THE SHOW ON OR BE THE LAST CAST, SO-- - RIGHT.
- SO I THINK THERE WAS A REAL KIND OF BAND TOGETHER THING, AND WE ALL ENJOYED EACH OTHER'S COMPANY.
AND SO THERE WASN'T ANY INFIGHTING, BUT MORE OF THAT HAPPENED LATER AFTER PEOPLE STARTED GETTING FAMOUS.
- RIGHT, THAT--YEAH, THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENS.
- "WHAT, MY SKETCH GOT CUT?" THAT KINDA THING.
- YEAH, YEAH, WHEN YOU GET KNOWN AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE TELLING YOU THE OTHERS SUCK, YOU'RE THE WHOLE SHOW.
- RIGHT, AND YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY COME TO THE SHOW AND SAY THINGS LIKE, "WHAT HAPPENED?" "WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT--" "YOU WERE HARDLY IN IT.
" - YES, YEAH.
- "I KNOW, I'M NOT IN CONTROL OF THESE THINGS.
" SO YEAH.
[music.]
- AND HOW 'BOUT SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE? - THEY HAD ASKED ME-- EARLIER ON, THEY HAD ASKED ME ABOUT THREE TIMES TO HOST.
BUT I SAID, "IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.
"I'M SO CALIFORNIA-ORIENTED "AND SUCH A CALIFORNIA GIRL, "AND THAT'S SO NEW YORK, I'LL BE LIKE A FISH OUT OF WATER.
" - YEAH.
- WELL, FINALLY MY AGENT, WHOM I ADORE, MY GREAT AND DEAR FRIEND, FINALLY LEANED ON ME TO THE POINT HE SAID, "YES, YOU'RE GONNA DO IT.
" WELL, I WAS PANIC-STRICKEN.
FIRST OF ALL, I CAN'T READ CUE CARDS.
I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO WORK WITH THEM.
BUT YOU CAN'T MEMORIZE EVERYTHING ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, 'CAUSE THEY'VE GOT, LIKE, AND THEY KEEP CHANGING.
- SURE.
- SO I SAID, "I CAN'T READ CUE CARDS.
I JUST CAN'T DO THE SHOW.
" WELL, LORNE MICHAELS BROUGHT TINA FEY AND AMY POEHLER AND THE GIRLS BACK TO SUPPORT ME.
AND WE HAD THE MOST FUN.
IT WAS-- IT WAS MARVELOUS FUN, BUT IT WAS PANIC-MAKING.
BUT THEY HAVE A CUE CARD MAN BACK THERE WHO IS SO MARVELOUS.
HE SAID, "WHEN YOU'RE DOING A SCENE WITH TINA, "DON'T LOOK AT TINA.
"LOOK OVER HER HEAD, "AND I'LL BE WAY IN THE BACK WITH A BIG-PRINTED CUE CARD.
" HE SAID, "AND SHE'S DOING THE SAME THING OVER YOUR HEAD, "SO DON'T BE NERVOUS ABOUT IT.
"BUT YOUR EYES WON'T BE, LIKE, OVER THERE.
THEY'LL BE LIKE THEY'RE RIGHT INTO THE CAMERA.
" WELL, I HAD TO TAKE HIM, YOU KNOW, AT HIS WORD.
WELL, IT TOOK ALL THE PANIC OUT OF IT.
I THOUGHT, WHY DIDN'T I DISCOVER THIS YEARS AND YEARS AGO? - HELLO, MA'AM, I AM A CENSUS TAKER WITH THE U.
S.
CENSUS BUREAU.
- OH, TERRIFIC.
GOOD FOR YOU.
BYE.
- OH, NO, WAIT, SORRY.
HANG ON, YOU NEVER RETURNED YOUR 2010 CENSUS FORM, SO IF I COULD JUST ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS.
- ABSOLUTELY, DEAR.
- HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR RACE OR ETHNIC ORIGIN? - WELL, SUPERIOR TO ASIANS, BUT NOT AS INTELLIGENT AS BLACKS.
- WHOOPS, OKAY, LET ME CLARIFY.
WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING DESCRIBES YOU? WHITE, ASIAN, HISPANIC, PACIFIC ISLANDER.
- OH, PACIFIC ISLANDER.
LET'S TRY THAT.
AND DON'T SKIMP ON THE RUM.
- OKAY.
WHAT IS YOUR LAST NAME, MA'AM? - BLARFENGARD.
- CAN YOU SPELL THAT FOR ME? - S-M-I-T-H.
- AND THAT'S PRONOUNCED? - BLARFENGARD.
- NOT SMITH? - THEY CHANGED IT AT ELLIS ISLAND WHEN I WAS THERE TWO WEEKS AGO ON A BINGO CRUISE.
- AND THAT GOT SUCH A GOOD RESPONSE.
DID YOU GET NOMINATED FOR AN EMMY FOR THAT? - I GOT--I GOT THE EMMY.
- GOT THE EMMY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE.
- IT WAS A THRILL, I MUST SAY.
AND MY BELOVED AGENT HAS NEVER LET ME FORGET IT.
THE I-TOLD-YOU-SO'S ARE DRIPPING.
- OF COURSE.
BUT IMAGINE, BETTY, WHAT IT IS TO LOOK BACK AT THIS CAREER, AND AN EMMY NOMINATION IN THE '50s AND AN EMMY NOMINATION IN 2011.
I MEAN, IT'S REALLY-- YOU NEVER COULD HAVE PREDICTED THAT YOU'D STILL BE WORKING ALL THIS TIME.
- WHO WOULD HAVE EVER DREAMED THAT WHEN YOU DID YOUR FIRST JOB, YOU KNOW, THE GREAT GILDERSLEEVE, THAT WHEN YOU'RE 90-- AT THAT POINT, YOU DON'T EXPECT TO EVEN SEE 90.
- YEAH.
- AND I AIN'T GOING ANYWHERE.
- YES, YEAH.
[music.]
I SAW YOUR GEORGE W.
BUSH SHOW.
THAT WAS AN AMAZING SHOW.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- DO A LITTLE-- YOU GOTTA-- I'M GONNA JUST IMPOSE ON YOU ALL DAY.
- OKAY.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO TALK ABOUT? GIVE ME A SUBJECT.
- TELL ME ABOUT THE DECISION TO GO INTO IRAQ AND HOW DID YOU, UH, HOW DID YOU FIGURE THAT OUT? - [imitating George W.
Bush.]
UH, WELL, DAVID, THE DECISION TO GO INTO IRAQ WAS, UH, IT WAS--IT WAS A TOUGH CALL, YOU KNOW? 'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE PRESIDENT-- AND NO ONE TELLS YOU THIS BEFORE YOU GO IN THERE-- YOU GOTTA MAKE TOUGH CALLS.
AND, UH, AND THE LONGER YOU'RE THERE, THE TOUGHER THE CALLS GET TO BE.
IT'S NOT LIKE--YOU'D THINK THEY'D GET EASIER.
THEY DON'T.
THEY GET 10 TIMES, SOMETIMES 30 TIMES TOUGHER.
AND, UH, BUT I STILL STAND BY THE DECISION, YOU KNOW? LIBERATE THE PEOPLE OF IRAQ.
- YEAH, AND HOW DO YOU THINK YOU DID? - THEY SEEM PRETTY FREE RIGHT NOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T REALLY WATCH THE TV.
I JUST, UH, SIT IN MY HOUSE.
- DO YOU READ? DO YOU READ BOOKS? - WE'VE GOT A WHOLE-- AN EXTENSIVE COMIC BOOK COLLECTION AT MY LIBRARY AT SMU.
A LOT OF FIRST-EDITION DONALD DUCK.
DO YOU LIKE DONALD DUCK? - ONE OF MY FAVORITES.
- ALWAYS GETS ME GOING.
WHEN I'M DOWN, I'LL READ A DONALD DUCK.
AND I LIKE PEOPLE MAG-- I LIKE TO STAY UP WITH CURRENT EVENTS, SO I READ PEOPLE MAGAZINE.
[laughter.]
WHO ARE YOU, BY THE WAY? [laughter.]
- OH, THAT WAS GREAT.
DID ANYONE FIND IT CONTROVERSIAL, NEGATIVE? - NOT AS MUCH AS I THOUGHT THEY WERE GOING TO.
IN FACT, JUST THE OPPOSITE.
I HAD A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT SAID, "HEY, I'M A REPUBLICAN, AND I LOVED THAT SHOW.
" AND I GOT THE REACTION THAT YOU MADE HIM FEEL VERY HUMAN IN A WAY.
- YEAH, YEAH, BECAUSE YOU'RE GETTING LAUGHS, AND IT'S A WARM THING TO DO ACTUALLY.
AS LONG AS PEOPLE ARE LAUGHING, THEY'RE LIKING WHO THE CHARACTER IS.
I THINK YOU'RE REMARKABLE.
ALWAYS HAVE.
- THANK YOU.
- SO FUNNY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DOING THIS.
- THANK YOU.
THANKS, DAVID.
PLEASURE.
- YOU'RE 90 YEARS OLD.
WHAT'S YOUR SECRET? - GOOD HEALTH.
I'M BLESSED WITH GOOD HEALTH.
SO I HAVE THE STRENGTH AND THE ENERGY, AND I LOVE WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING.
- YEAH, AND YOU'RE WONDERFUL, AND-- - OH, HAVE I GOT-- HAVE I GOT YOU FOOLED.
[laughter.]
- THANK YOU SO MUCH, BETTY.
- THANK YOU.
WITH ALL MY HEART, DAVID, THANK YOU.
[music.]