Into the Dark (2018) s02e06 Episode Script
Crawlers
Hey, guys.
So I know my channel's been off the radar for a while, and no, I wasn't abducted by lizard people or sent to that top secret CIA prison island, which by the way totally exists.
I've just had to lay low for a while 'cause, well, I think the feds are watching me.
And like, I mean, yeah, of course they're watching everybody, but I'm talking like special ops task force kind of watching.
And normally, I'd just lay low till the heat's off, but well, sometimes, the truth is more important than safety.
So here goes.
Okay.
It all happened a year ago.
St.
Patrick's Day, actually.
Coincidentally, the same day that a meteor crashed into our town back in the '70s.
It was supposed to just be a night of college kids getting drunk, but a lot of people died, like, a lot of people.
You little fucker, come on.
Welcome to Emerald Springs Did I mention we love St.
Patrick's Day? Yeah, Chicago has the whole green river thing, but we do more of a green river of puke thing.
What else would you expect from a town full of college kids? Or, as I call them, "customers"? Officer Sullivan, what's your 10 20? Yo, this is ridiculous.
I could literally arrest every single person on this street right now.
Don't have enough cells to hold them all.
Just let them celebrate.
Fuck me.
You call this celebrating? I don't know what to tell you, rookie.
You shoulda seen last year.
A whole pledge class took green shits on the courthouse lawn.
You're fucking with me, right? Luck of the Irish, man.
Shamrock shithole.
Hey, Sullivan, just make it through tonight and beers are on me, all right? Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna be drinking for a while.
All right, I'm gonna head towards the college.
Okay, after that, why don't you catch up with the Massacre? Just play babysitter and make sure they don't all die.
Let's go, kids.
Evening, ladies.
Word.
Wow.
Swing and a miss, Officer Fuckboy.
Shit.
Fuck.
Better be drunk or high.
Are you all right there? Are you okay there? The hell happened to your clothes, man? Okay.
All right, hey.
- What happened? - Oh hey take it easy, yeah? You take something, hm? Drugs? Hey, are you are you a student here? Say something, man.
Okay, I know what you're thinking.
And no, it's not zombies.
People always think it's zombies, but they have a totally different pathology.
Just you'll see.
What the fuck? Like I said, it's gonna be a fucking crazy night.
No fucking way! You ever heard of the porcupine's dilemma? It's the one about those little guys who wanna cuddle up for warmth but they just keep poking each other.
It basically means getting close to people hurts like a bitch.
This is Misty, and she's smack-dab in the middle of her own prickly situation.
Up until a few weeks ago, she and Chloe were besties.
At least, that's what she thought.
Happy St.
Paddy's Day! This is why I don't bother with friends.
Too much baggage and very little upside.
If there's anything my mom taught me, it's family first, yourself second, and fuck everyone else.
But Misty's one of those normal girls who likes having people around.
She's hoping that they can patch things up the good old-fashioned way: binge drinking.
Hey, what's up, Misty? And what better way than an all-night pub crawl? They call this one the Massacre because nobody makes it out alive.
Figuratively speaking, of course.
You waitin' on this motherfuckin' bartender? Stank.
I'm waiting like 30 minutes for a shot.
You know what? Fuck this, motherfuckers, I'm the bartender now.
Heads back, mouths open.
One for you, two for you, cutie.
Hey! And one for me.
And here's the self-proclaimed master of ceremonies, Chloe.
She loves to be the center of attention, and on a night like tonight, that's not necessarily a good thing.
Misty and Chloe have been attached at the hip since freshman year.
But some shit went down a few weeks ago, and when Misty really needed a friend, Chloe was nowhere to be found.
I mean, I'd kick her to the curb, but Misty's loyal.
Or, I dunno, maybe just pathetic.
Sláinte! Let's go! Hey, Chlo! Misty! You made it, girl! Oh, shit.
That's amazing.
That's fuckin' hilarious.
Yeah, I think I'm finally ready to get out the house again.
- I'm glad.
- Guess who? Um, probably some thirsty-ass nerd that won't stop following me around? More like the person who just saved your dumb ass from getting locked out later.
You dropped these at the last bar.
- You're my hero.
- I know.
I love you so much.
Misty, do you know Yuejin? She just transferred here from New York City! She's fancy! No, I don't think I don't think we've met.
We have.
I'm in three of your classes.
Meet Yuejin.
She is kind of a bitch, always down for a good time, and has a closet full of clothes in Chloe's size.
All the makings of a brand-new sidekick.
Weird.
You're gonna love her.
She's the third Musketeer.
Oh yeah.
Misty's definitely being replaced.
Great! Welcome to the group.
Thanks.
By the way, I promise I'm in the story.
Just wait.
For the queen of the bar.
Sorry, they told me to say that.
Who did? - Fucking gross.
- Who, Aaron? Wait, you know Aaron already? Yeah.
I go here.
Aaron Hamilton.
President of Beta Sigma Eta.
He and the rest of these walking boners call themselves the Wolf Pack.
Barf.
Supposedly, they throw the best parties, but they've also got a reputation, the bad kind.
Chloe.
- What are you doing? - Huh? - Chloe! - What? No ugh, no, Misty, he's not like sexually harassing me or something.
Aaron is a sex offender.
Okay? And that pigfuck next to him, his name is Michael, - and you guys don't - We're not gonna do this tonight, Misty, okay? I'm not gonna ruin our St.
Patrick's Day by drinking a roofied green martini at 10:05 p.
m.
Bye-bye.
Chloe! Oh my God.
But we do have to take a picture.
- Of what? - Of us! While we're so cute, before we're tear-streaked vomit goblins.
- Yeah! - Okay.
Yeah, we haven't taken one in a long time.
Yeah.
Will you take it, please? No, no, no, all of us.
Yeah.
And you have the longest arms, you should be the one to take it.
Okay.
Yeah, St.
Paddy! - What? Who's "Drug Dealer"? - Oh, I need this.
For real? I'm actually "Drug Dealer" in your phone? See? What'd I tell ya? Yours truly.
- Get in this pic! - No, no, hard pass.
The more selfies you take, the more data AI has to create deep fakes with your images.
So.
Anyway, uh let's get this underway, yeah? - Yeah, yeah.
- Cool.
Uh, actually, maybe you wanna go somewhere less public? It's St.
Patrick's Day, nobody gives a shit.
All right, here's a little pick-me-up Okay.
for the Queen of the Crawl.
- Thanks.
- Thanks! Who wants Adderall? Gonna be a long fuckin' night.
Hey, over here! Hey.
You ever open one of those things up? They got like tiny little microchips in there that track your location, habit of use, conversations, everything.
Isn't your phone doing that anyway? No.
Whoa.
Who are you? I'm a local caregiver.
It's my job to stay woke.
Yeah, so I'm obviously not like these princesses.
I actually grew up in this town, and some of us need to work for a living.
Plus, your girl here's off the grid, so that sort of limits the professional options.
But you can call me Shauna.
It's a weird-ass holiday.
I know, as if white people didn't have enough days on the calendar to act like complete morons.
If you wanna have some real fun, I have this organic weed that's grown out by the clover fields, so it's laced with radiation from that meteor that landed there 40 years ago.
That's a true story.
Back in the '70s, this huge rock crashed on the edge of town and my mom swears it was actually carrying larval stage extraterrestrial metamorphs.
The whole thing is a big government cover-up, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Oh, I got something Irish for you.
Oh, you're serious.
Yeah.
Mm, I'm good, no thanks.
Okay.
Cool, uh well, I'm gonna go, see if my sales pick up.
Keep an eye out.
- For what? - For what? The end of the world! The end of the world! Listen up, you drunk motherfuckers.
It's time for the tournament to begin.
And we'll begin as we always do with a little game I like to call the Troubles.
What's the Troubles? You'll see.
Get in there, girl! Focus, focus That's it! Yes, bitch, yes! You're getting it, you're getting it.
Wait anarchy, anarchy! Switch sides, switch sides.
You have to go to the other side.
Bitch, go to the other side! Why? Where? Okay, go! That's it, that's it, that's it! Get on your knees! You're a leprechaun! We got it! Pot of gold! Throw your cups! Pot of gold! She's cool, right? Yeah, she's okay.
That's high praise coming from you.
You should come to New York City with us.
- What? - For spring break.
Her dad has a penthouse or something in Central Park.
It's gonna be fun.
What happened to Cancun? I don't know, Cancun's kinda like played-out, and I didn't know if that'd be your vibe 'cause of your funk.
- My funk? - Yeah.
Thought you weren't in the mood to party.
Chloe! Michael drugged me.
I don't know what happened to me that night.
But I know that there was something in my drink, I know that for a fact, and I know that Michael didn't just tuck me into bed and watch me sleep.
Shit, I'm sorry if I've been in a funk.
Yeah, well that's all I mean.
You don't believe that happened to me, do you? Of course I do.
Yeah, I keep hearing you say that, but I don't see it.
Well, I just don't know what to do about it.
All I can think to do is be positive, which I'm doing, but it doesn't seem to be helping.
Plus, the Beta guys aren't all bad.
And I've been hanging out with Yuejin lately, which I don't mean that in a weird way, like instead of you.
No, that's great, I get it.
Actually, keep doing that, yeah.
You just keep hanging with your new best friend and staying positive, okay? Misty.
Girl! Is everything okay in there? Come on, St.
Patrickses.
Get those fucking snakes out of Ireland.
Winner gets shots! No, dude, look.
Everybody knows that the first moon landing was faked.
It's, like not even a conspiracy.
It's just a cover-up for the real shit.
For example, did you know that Paul McCartney died in 1968 from a car wreck and they replaced him with a lookalike? Also, Avril Lavigne.
Look it up.
Can I have an Irish coffee, please? Sure thing.
How's your night going? I'm not making any sales tonight.
There's a weird spell over the town, it's very unusual.
- Mm.
Illuminati? - Or aliens.
Ah.
You know, some do say Saint Patrick was an alien.
That doesn't make sense, though.
Why? Do you not believe? Okay, the myth is Saint Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland, right? But since there weren't actually any snakes in Ireland, shouldn't your little conspiracy theory be "Saint Patrick saved Ireland from aliens", not that he was an actual alien? This is my impressed face.
Drink it in, because you will not see it very often.
Whatever, okay, I I don't know.
All I know is that there's something off with the group dynamics.
When dealing with alien invasions, you always wanna pay attention to the subtle things.
Sure, this looks like normal late stage adolescent fuckery, but something lurking just beneath the surface is askew.
It's a drug dealer thing.
I can feel it.
I'm not in a group, so it's easy for me to see.
Tell me about it.
So you've noticed it too? Yeah.
No I mean no.
I don't know, maybe it's just the holiday, whatever.
Oh my God.
Actually, you're right.
Something is wrong.
You know, my mom did see the meteor that landed here on St.
Patrick's Day in 197 okay.
Oh, sorry! Fuck! - Yuejin? - Yeah, it's me.
They're making me wear this mask because I lost.
I don't even know what game I was playing.
All right, just one second, I just wanna talk to Chloe real quick.
Yeah.
Will you just tell her that I'm going to the next spot? I gotta get out of here, these fucking games are killing me.
Sorry, sorry.
Hey.
Oh, hi.
Did you see Chloe over there a minute ago? Yeah, she just left with some dude.
- Aaron? - I don't know his name.
College guys only talk to me if they want to buy drugs.
Guess he's a good boy.
No, that's impossible.
Well, I mean, unless he's buying from Whiskey Dave, but his shit's mostly baby laxative, so it's basically not doing drugs at all.
No, no, no, I mean it's impossible that she would leave with that creep.
I don't know what to tell you.
Maybe you don't know your friend as well as you thought you did.
Oh, shit! Speak of the devil.
Chloe Willis, hey girl.
Your friend's looking for you.
Now that I think about it, you are kinda cute.
- What is it? - Oh yeah? - A little bit.
- I don't know.
Butt-dial, maybe? Chlo? Well, maybe your friends just wanted me for themselves.
- I'm pretty sure - Chloe? - Do you always - Uh, hey! Hello? That's my phone! Chloe, where are you? Hey.
Have you seen Chloe? Stop it! We are in Chlo, where are you? Hey, what the hell? - Come on, whoa! - It's Misty! Hey.
Have you guys seen Chloe? No.
Sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Chloe, fuck! Sorry.
Quit fucking following me and let go of me.
- Let's go.
- Let go of me.
I said let go of me.
I'm not playing anymore, let go of me.
Chloe, listen to my voice.
I'm right here and I'm not leaving, okay? Just tell me where you are! - Get off of me! - Stop fighting.
Stop and let go of me! Help! Let go of me! Let go of me! Help! Help! Chloe! Hey! What the fuck? Gimme back my phone.
Fuck.
Fuck, she's gone.
- That fuckhead took her, fuck! - Okay, okay, slow down.
Fuck, that fuckhead! Fuck! She was flirting with him in the bar, and then and look.
- What, she's a Gemini? - She doesn't just drop her phone! Fuck! Okay, calm down.
Can I please just have my phone back? Fuck your phone, are you kidding? Okay, uh, do you wanna call the cops? Because if you do, I can't really be here, due to all the, you know, drug dealing.
- Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
- Look.
I don't have Prozac because it's not really the business model, but here, take this.
- What? No! - It's Xanax, you need to calm down.
- Oh man.
- All right, look, look, listen hey, listen, I know what a panic attack looks like, all right? Just trust me.
Take this.
I'd call the cops but I can't.
Why not? I take it you've never dealt with the cops in a situation like this before.
I try not to, but yes, I have dealt with the cops a time or two.
That's not what I mean! Fuck! If I call 9-1-1 and tell them I saw a drunk frat guy flirting with my drunk friend at a bar, they're gonna tell me that's what college kids do.
If I tell them I actually didn't see anything and I have no idea where they went, they're gonna start calling me "young lady" and asking if I've been drinking too or taking some of the drugs you just gave me, for example.
True.
It is hard to get people to believe what they don't see, and by the time they do, it's usually too late.
Oh shit.
Oh my God, no! He probably took her back to that ratfuck cesspool - of a frat house.
- Okay.
So do you wanna go and check if she's there? Shit.
No, I would, but no, no, I can't.
If I Fuck.
I'm sorry.
It's fine.
I'm guessing you've been there before? So this is when I should have just said, "Have a great night! Good luck finding your horrible friend", and gone back to my normal life of not dealing with other people's shit.
But, fuck! Look at this crying mess.
I mean, I'm tough, but I'm not made of stone.
Plus, business was slow and the Beta boys are always willing to pay double, so what the hell.
Um, mm-kay, fine.
I'm coming with you.
I'm coming with you.
Let's go.
Wait.
Oh, good.
The Beta boys are still getting smashed on the pub crawl.
You coming? Hey, what happened here? I don't remember.
It's kinda part of the problem? You know, you can't file a police report if you don't know what you're filing it about.
I just I woke up here once, and all I know is nothing good happens in that house, so.
Yeah.
I've heard the stories.
- No one listened.
- Okay.
Well I believe you.
And I'm not scared of shit in this world, so Come on.
Let's go get your friend.
Uh, yeah, hi.
Believe women, it's 2020.
And besides, no one ever listens to me when I say shit, so I know how fucking infuriating it is.
Okay, where are the bedrooms? Through there.
What is that? Shauna.
Shauna! Can I help you girls? Michael.
The biggest asshole of them all.
Apparently, his dad's some bigshot lawyer so he thinks he can get away with anything.
Can you believe he specifically asked for roofies once? Fucking moron.
I sold him a bottle of Tic Tacs and I said they were horse tranquilizers.
Well, well, well.
Misty Carpenter.
It's great to see you again.
I been meaning to have a civilized conversation with you about some of the things that you said about me.
No, dude, we're looking for Aaron.
Very important matters.
Well, he's busy.
Where is he? He's upstairs.
Uh, afraid I can't let you do that.
Why not? - Like I said, he's busy.
- All right, dude, look.
You like Molly? Here you go.
- You're good.
- Great.
Not her.
I need to clear up a few things before we welcome you back here.
How about now? Fine.
Misty! You ever wanna grab a coffee and chat, just let me know.
God, we should burn this place to the fucking ground.
Aaron, open the door.
What is it, what do you hear? We need to open this door.
Wait move, move, move.
Fuck.
You just carry that with you? Mama taught me a thing or two over the years.
And one of them was that Boy Scouts aren't the only ones who should always be prepared.
This isn't the first lock I've had to pick.
Jesus Fuck, you gotta untie me.
Where's Chloe? We need to get out of here right now, okay? Not until you tell me what you did with her.
Did with what the fuck are you talking about? Aaron, I saw you with her.
- Who? - Chloe! - Idiot.
- I don't know where Chloe is! You guys saw us leave the pub after she poured her fucking drink on the ground.
Right, and then you came ba I saw you talking to her! I have no idea what you're talking about.
I've been tied to this bed for the past couple hours.
Look at my leg.
Look at my leg! I'm lucky to be alive.
Fucking get me out! All right, I am sick of this shit, okay? I saw what I saw.
I know the cops probably won't believe me but I don't know what else to do.
Oh no wait, wait hey, wait.
Wait! Wait! Hey, you, you! Okay, hi.
We left, all right? You saw us leave the pub.
Okay, you can ask anyone downstairs.
We came back here right after.
I wasn't with Chloe.
It is strange how you got here so quickly.
- Yes, yes! - Hi.
I need to report a kidnapping.
- Fuck! - Yeah.
At the Beta Sigma Eta house on campus.
When's the last time that you saw me? I don't know, like, what, 15 minutes ago? And in that time, I got back here, I tied myself to this bed and bit out a chunk of my own leg? - They're on their way.
- Great.
I need to report that I was attacked - by some crazy fucking bitch! - You know what? Just start from the beginning, okay? How did this happen? Wait.
You said that you saw somebody at the pub 15 minutes ago that looked like me? Not someone who looked like you, asshole, it was you.
Okay.
Okay, this is gonna sound crazy.
I brought a girl home from the pub not fucking Chloe and she was apparently into some really kinky shit.
Things got really rough.
You know? Little playful nibble here and there, and then she just bit into my leg.
I looked down and there's a fucking chunk of my leg gone.
And there was something weird in her eyes.
What do you mean? It was like a it was like a green cloud.
And it freaked me out, so I kicked her off me.
Right.
So where is she now? Well, this is the crazy part.
She was on the ground and made this insane fucking sound.
Like bones breaking.
And then she got up, and I swear to God, she suddenly looked like You? Yeah.
Like me.
I fucking knew it, I fucking I told you, I told you there was something in the air tonight.
Are you serious right now? - You don't actually be - Okay.
This thing, where did it go? My boys had started knocking on the door, probably from all the commotion.
It got scared and it went out the window.
This is when shit gets real.
What did I tell you? What did I tell you! Not zombies, no fucking aliens.
Right? I mean, we've been saying this the whole time.
And it wasn't really the right time to revel in it, you know, but man, did it feel good to be right.
And I know Misty was still all concerned about finding Chloe, but alien invasion happening, and we were right in the middle of it! And that's when I realized, oh fuck, we were right in the middle of it.
Tonight just took a hard freakin' turn from rescue mission to fight for survival.
Now, trust, I've been training for survival my whole life.
But even if I could save myself, could I save two princesses, a frat guy, and a still missing, possibly dead party girl? Well, that was a different fucking story altogether.
Because Jessica, she's got the bottom but not the top, you know? Little bit of this, little bit of that.
- Oh shit.
- Yeah.
It's okay, fellas, relax.
St.
Patrick's Day, I'm not here to ruin the party.
Is there something we can help you with, Officer? Why are you guys still hanging around here? You guys should be out partying! Don't you like to party? - We like to party.
- That's good.
Gotta follow tradition.
Get wasted.
Trash the town! Yeah, we're just we're just waiting for Aaron.
You guys should head out now.
He'll catch up with you.
It's cool.
- We'll just wait for Aaron.
- No, you should go now.
- Come on.
- Yeah.
Yeah, all right.
We will, uh we'll go now.
There we go.
St.
Patrick's Day.
I'm your cool aunt tonight, let's go.
You left your drugs.
Just don't look.
All right.
Please just untie me.
I'm kinda bleeding out here and I really need to pee.
Yes, finally.
Hi, hey.
Anyone care to explain to me what's going on here? He kidnapped our friend.
Kinda looks like the other way around.
- No - Who's your friend? - Chloe Willis.
- And where is she? - Ask him! - I'm the one that got attacked, sir.
Look at me.
- Who did that? - He claims that he did.
- That's not what I said.
- Okay, um, officer? I believe that we are in the midst of an alien invasion in which imposters are rapidly replacing the citizens of this town.
That's interesting.
It sounds a little far-fetched.
Sure you guys aren't just drunk like everyone else in this town? Something lurking just beneath the surface.
Fucking askew.
- No.
No, no, no, no! - Okay.
Can you please just untie me, sir? No! Um, excuse me, sorry, what are you doing? - I'm gonna untie him.
- Thank you.
Aren't you gonna like investigate or something? I'm taking him to the station.
What? Why am I being arrested, for what? Just standard procedure.
How is it standard procedure? I didn't do anything.
Excuse me, officer, sir.
Um, Aaron actually isn't our main concern.
We just wanna find my friend Chloe Willis.
We'll be on the lookout for her.
It's a small town, I'm sure she'll turn up.
No, no, no, you don't understand.
Chloe Chloe literally doesn't Hey, hey, hey.
Dude, can you at least let me put my clothes on? Okay, look, so what I was trying to tell you earlier about the meteor that landed here in 1978? - It was on St.
Patrick's Day.
- Shut up! I don't wanna hear about some fucking conspiracy theory right now, I'm talking about Chloe! I know that! I am too.
I'm talking about her and Aaron and this entire town.
Aren't you supposed to do the whole Miranda thing? Am I under arrest? Hey.
Can you please just give me a first aid kit - for my wound? - Get in.
Fuck! Is that Chloe, are you okay? Yuejin, it's Misty.
Where's Chloe? We're trying to figure that out right now, I was hoping you knew.
People are losing their minds.
I think I've seen like 12 fights break out in the last hour.
I just saw someone biting a person like a fucking zombie movie.
No, not zombies; they're alien imposters.
What? Who is that? It's Shauna from the pub.
Where are you right now? I'm leaving the pub crawl.
Seriously, it's like everyone is tripping balls on bath salts.
Okay.
We're at the Beta house.
Just come meet us here.
Okay.
Fuck.
Oh, fuck no.
Wait! Told you he's a psycho! He's one of them, he attacked me.
Look come look.
Holy shit.
Fuck me.
Yup, as I suspected.
Imposters don't bleed red.
Most people would be grossed out by alien blood, but this is what I call bona fide proof, y'all! Can somebody please just uncuff me? Yeah, sorry.
Oh, fuck.
All right, I don't know what the fuck is going on tonight, but that's the second one that tried to attack me.
Yup, you are lucky to be alive.
This alien imposter was out to kill you.
I'm thinking it's because the one who attacked you earlier got your DNA and became you.
You know, that's how they operate.
That's impossible.
Not for aliens.
So that's who was at the pub with Chloe, my imposter.
That means they got Chloe.
Not necessarily.
I mean, you know, he escaped, so it's possible she did too.
- Hey, Misty! - Yuejin! Over here! What's happening, why are the cops Oh, what the fuck? - Yup.
- What is that? And why is he covered in green goo? Hello, what the hell's going on? What does it look like? Alien invasion, Yuejin.
They're finally coming out from hiding.
Is she still for real with this? Hey, wait, where are you going? I need a fucking Band-Aid.
Okay, easy, easy.
What do you think they want? Great question, but I'm not really concerned about that right now.
It's happening whether we want it to or not.
Okay.
Sorry, I just This is all completely crazy.
Like, I feel like I'm in someone else's acid trip.
Your acid trip.
Hey, don't kill the messenger.
No, it's gotta be something else.
Aliens is just absurd.
Okay, well, you can go take a look at the alien cop outside if you want more proof.
Oh, fuck.
We left him outside.
Somebody's gonna notice that.
I think I know where we need to go.
I think we may be able to get some answers.
To what? An alien invasion? And weapons.
Weapons? You can never be too prepared.
Okay Hey.
What do you think, Misty? I just I told her to stay away from them, and I I just don't get why she didn't believe me.
Stay away from who, the imposters? No.
Aaron.
All the guys at the pub.
You told her to stay away from me? Yeah.
You, Michael, all of you guys.
Wow.
So you're just lumping us all together? Well, you're, like, a frickin' pervert mafia.
Hey.
I'm not Michael.
So then why didn't you do anything about it? Right.
Wait, Misty.
Chloe? Misty, you ready to go? Chloe? Shit! They're here! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait! Hey, wait, wait! Where's Aaron? Help! Help! Somebody fucking help me! Help! Help! Like I said, always be prepared.
I think I love you.
Gross.
You just have a gun on you? Got it off the dead alien.
I'm driving.
Oh, shit, get down.
Get down.
Should we just go? No, no, just stay low.
They don't know we're here.
So is everybody just an alien now? I mean, I don't know, but these guys are definitely not normal humans.
How do you know that? They're loading the officer's body into the truck.
How'd they know the body was here? They are a hive mind.
Okay.
I think we're good.
God, we really are in the middle of nowhere, aren't we? Can't believe people actually live out here.
It's a real shithole.
Yup.
Hey.
Can I ask you a personal question? Okay.
Are you really Irish? What? Your shirt, it says, "Kiss me, I'm Irish".
Oh my God.
Hey.
- Dear God, what? - Do you still think I'm the kind of guy who would've kidnapped your friend? One hundred percent.
I'm not like the rest of the guys in my house.
Aren't you, like, a registered sex offender? No.
No, no, that's a that's a stupid rumor that started after I was arrested for peeing in public.
- What? - Yeah.
Indecent exposure is what they call it.
After everything with Michael, I guess it was just an easy rumor to start.
Cool.
I guess congratulations for not being a rapist.
It was actually a really good learning experience.
I did community service, I started coaching and volunteering, and I even changed my major from marketing to education.
What is happening right now? What is this, some kind of 12-Step-for-Misogynists thing? You get a chip for each woman you manage to convince you're not a monster? Misty, I'm not a bad guy.
No, of course not.
You just hang out with bad guys and party with bad guys and live with bad guys, but, no, I'm sure you're not a bad guy.
You know what, you're right.
I fucked up, okay? I should've done something, and I didn't.
I need to learn from my mistakes, and I need to be better.
So I hope you can forgive me.
Thank you for saying that.
And I know that you're not Michael.
We're gonna find her.
Okay.
We needed a safe spot to lay low, regroup, and strategize, and even though it may not look like it, trust me, this is the safest place in town right now.
Mom.
Could you get the gun out of our faces please? Meet my mom.
She never taught me how to cross-stitch, but I can assemble a Beretta M9 in 10 seconds, blindfolded.
Holy shit, that's your mom? What did you bring into my house? They're, um, friends of mine, I guess.
You can trust them.
We came here because we need your help.
You were right, Mama.
About all of it.
They're here.
Well we're all fucked.
I mean, the fact that you even got this picture means it's too late.
I've been calling this for years.
I told everyone about them, little organisms on that meteor, back on March 17th, 1978, but they they all thought I was crazy.
We believe you.
That's why we're here, asking for your help.
You don't believe me! You're just all in trouble.
You know, that's the problem.
Folks need everything to make sense before they believe what's happening right in front of them, and by then, it's too late.
Wow.
That is totally depressing and unhelpful.
I'm ready to go.
Where are you off to? I don't know, back to New York.
Stop it, we need to try.
Please, Ms.
Shore, please.
Just God, just tell us what to do, okay? My best friend is still out there.
Please.
They were as small as bugs when I first observed them, and it appears that, well, they're finally evolving into human size.
You know, them them shape-shifting imposters, they're just taking orders from the nest.
- The nest? - They're like ants.
Super alien ants.
Once you destroy the nest, they'll all come down.
Right.
They're just gonna keep taking over human beings with their kind, so they multiply.
You expect us to believe that? That's insane.
The most logical explanation is that this town is infected with something.
Not aliens.
I don't expect anything from you, young lady.
And you seem the type that's too smart for her own good.
Okay, look, let's just say that there's a nest somewhere.
How do we destroy it? There's some C4 in that backpack on the third shelf.
- C4? - What? How else are you gonna blow up the nest? I don't think we know where the nest is.
Do we? - Oh! - Sorry.
No, we haven't seen it yet.
Okay, well, when the meteor first hit, it was in some field next to that old, abandoned Miller warehouse.
The Miller warehouse? That's the last stop for the pub crawl tonight.
They're probably already there.
That's why this is happening.
The aliens are defending themselves against a bunch of drunk assholes showing up at the nest, and the nest must be inside that warehouse.
Is something funny? Yeah! This whole thing.
Everything we've seen tonight, all these nonsense theories you guys are coming up with.
I know what I know, and I saw what I saw.
So if you're not interested in what I have to say, then you can kindly fuck off out of my house, young lady.
You know what, it's not a bad idea.
- I should go.
- Where? Anywhere not here.
I don't know what's going on, but we're just asking for trouble if we go to that warehouse and join back up with the pub crawl.
Yuejin, we have to find Chloe, and we need all the help that we can get, so cut this shit out.
You really don't get it, Misty.
Yeah, I'm not gonna stick around for this hillbilly, E.
T.
bullshit.
- Good luck with the nest.
- Yuejin! Yuejin! All right, let's gear up.
Hey.
You sure you're ready for this? I don't think we have a choice.
Fucking Podunk town.
Oh, shit.
Where'd you get that? Dead alien.
Yuejin, what the fuck? What happened? Hey, wait! I changed my mind.
I'm coming with you guys.
What happened? One of them chased me.
I got away, but, fuck, that was stupid.
You were right.
We should stick together.
Welcome back.
All right.
You guys ready to party? You don't have to tell me twice.
Let's do this.
I'll be back, you know.
I know you will.
You gonna be okay here? What the What'd you say happen to that guy who chased you again? I guess he just took off.
What? - We clear? - Yeah.
Then fuck it.
Let's just go.
Okay, so we find the nest, blow it up, save Chloe and the world? No big deal.
Okay, so at this point, we are armed, slightly buzzed, and ready to kick some alien ass.
Oh, in case you're wondering, the nest is the physical nexus of the metamorph psionic neural net.
Like, uh, alien Wi-Fi.
The shared brain that controls them all.
At least that was the theory.
Nobody had ever seen it before, but if it existed, which we were, like, 98% sure that it did, aliens would totally keep it hidden because it's, like, a kill switch for their entire army.
Luckily, though, neural energy has a limited range, so we knew that it couldn't be far.
But, uh, as we were driving around town, we started to realize that we might be running out of time.
Normally there'd be kids all over the place, running around, drinking, making out, puking, making out again with puke breath, but it was just empty.
Like a ghost town.
Best I figured, most of them had already been replaced.
Ipso facto, dead.
Shauna? You okay? Yeah.
Are you sure? I don't know.
Part of me should be happy because me and my mom were fucking right the entire time, but I'm also kind of freaking out because us being right means that people are dying and the world might end.
That's pretty dark.
Yeah.
What? You really care about her, don't you? Chloe? She's my best friend.
Best friend? Hmm, so then what happened these last few weeks? It was just the whole thing with me and Michael.
I just remember telling Chloe about it the next morning and and I couldn't tell if she believed me or not.
But that's just Chloe.
She never really takes anything seriously, and life is just fun and carefree.
Hmm.
Sounds like Chloe made the right choice.
- Excuse me? - Well, I can't blame her.
You're a glutton for punishment who surrounds herself with drama and psychosis, like a conspiracy theorist and her mom, for example.
- Yuejin, chill! - Hey, fuck you! You don't know anything about me and Chloe.
In fact, I don't know how Chloe ever put up with your bullshit.
Stop the car.
What? Stop the car! - What the fuck, Misty? - Get out! Hey, what's going on? - This bitch is an alien.
- What are you talking about? She sees an alien, lives to tell about it, and then there's there's no evidence of this so-called alien when we get outside - because she's one of them! - She's just pissed off because Chloe's replacing her with me as her number one.
Oh, fuck off! Okay, this is crazy, you guys.
Is it though? She did disappear for a while and came back with this brand new attitude, and we've seen weirder shit tonight.
It's because I was trying to avoid going on a suicide mission.
Oh, so then what happened? Why are you here now? And how do we know that you're not an alien? You and your mom? How do we know that you guys didn't just roofie this whole town with your radiated weed? What the fuck did you just say about me and my family? - All right, come on.
- Guys.
There's an easy way to settle this.
We're all gonna prick our fingers, and everyone who bleeds red is human.
I'll do it.
All right.
I appreciate the support, Aaron, but we all know that you're human because of the gaping flesh wound on your leg.
Oh, yeah, right, right, okay.
So, who's next? Since you're the one accusing people, - why don't you go? - Fine by me.
See, she took us to that creepy old hoarder's house, a woman who, by the way, conveniently told us to blow up a warehouse party based on some bullshit story about the nest or whatever? Well, maybe you don't want us going to the nest because you're a shit-sucking alien fuck! And maybe you're as crazy - as your fucking mama is.
- Fuck you! Okay, Shauna, just show her that you have human blood.
Give me the fucking knife.
I'll show you the truth.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! - Oh my God! - Fuck! Oh, look at that.
Not an alien.
Don't let her get the bag! Oh, man.
Fuck.
Fuck, let's go, let's go.
Come on.
Okay.
And then there were three.
This is the place? Yup, this is where it all started.
Do you think we're too late? Only one way to find out.
Oh my God.
Shit.
What do you think, aliens? I think they're just drunk.
Well, should we warn them? Yeah.
Hey! Don't go in there! Fuck you! Well, they're dead.
So, do we think Chloe's here? It's the end of the crawl.
She has to be.
All right, once we find the nest, I'll plant the charges and set the timer for five minutes.
Aaron, you pull the fire alarm.
Everybody will evacuate, and we'll bounce before we're blown to bits.
So, what are the rules of engagement for humans and/or aliens? - Rules of engagement? - Chill out, Ramboner.
Just assume everyone's an alien, all right? Punch or stun them with weapons if they get too close or aggressive.
What if it's Chloe? No exceptions.
All right, y'all.
Last chance to pull the ripcord and bail.
No way, José.
We're in this together now.
Yeah, let's do this.
Um, where is everyone? Did they just go home? Fuck.
Maybe everyone's already an alien, and these people are too wasted to realize that they're next.
This is the lamest pub crawl ever.
Do you guys see Chloe? Hey, hey, where are you going? I'm just looking, I just wanna No, come on, we gotta stay focused and stay together.
Let's keep going.
What's up, bro? What the fuck, Michael? What the fuck is this? What? I thought you said no exceptions.
It's red.
He's not an alien.
Either way Come on.
Okay, well, I mean, it wouldn't just be out here in the open for everyone to see it, so Weird alien goo dripping from an unknown source above us.
It's probably up there.
All right.
Let's check it out.
Jesus Christ.
- Oh my God.
- Wow.
How did your mom predict all this? She first discovered them when the meteor hit, and then she spent her entire life researching.
Nobody believed her.
Everybody just thought she was, like, wasted 'cause it happened on St.
Patrick's Day.
Once we destroy this thing, all the aliens will die, right? Well, that's the theory.
Well, let's blow this shit up and get the hell outta here.
Whoa.
You sure you know what you're doing? Yeah, yeah.
Me and Mom used to blow up cars at the junkyard all the time.
I was like six, but I still remember the process.
That's really reassuring.
- She's here! - Who? Chloe, Chloe, she's down below.
No, no, no, no, no, do not go down there, no exceptions! Chloe, Chloe! - Chloe? - Misty! Dude! Holy shit! Chloe, I'm sorry for walking away from you at the pub and leaving you alone You won't believe the shit that's happened to me tonight.
First of all, Aaron attacked me.
Did you did you not hear me? Aaron attacked me, he's a psycho.
Girl, it is a long story, but just believe me, that was not Aaron.
Ugh, you are nasty.
What are you made out of? All right, timer's set.
We have five minutes to get back to the car.
Whoa, whoa, wait, what are you doing? Don't fucking touch it! You just tripped some alien alarm.
Oh my God.
Fuck, you are such an idiot.
We really have to go now, come on.
No, no, no, it was for sure Aaron, and he for sure attacked me.
What was that? What the fuck kind of noise? - What is happening - Hey, hey, hey.
Hi, uh, timer's set, we gotta go right now.
Oh, no, no, no, no! Hey, you found Chloe.
Get the fuck away from me.
- Chloe - What? Okay, Chloe, - Aaron didn't attack you.
- What? Misty, I know what happened.
This is not your made-up bullshit.
Wait, wait, how do you know she's not an alien? I'm sorry, what? Here, here, check her blood.
What did he say? It's okay, it's me, it's me, okay? I know this doesn't make sense at all right now, but this is something that we have to do to make sure, just trust me.
I'm not gonna let you cut me! You're fucking crazy! I knew you were fucking mental! Hey, hey, hey, last chance.
If I get to the car and you guys aren't there, I swear to fuck I am taking off.
The bomb's gonna go off any minute now.
- Now there's a bomb? - Yes, a bomb! And Aaron just let every alien in town know that we're here.
We gotta go now.
Get to the fire alarm.
We need to get everyone out of here.
Chloe, are you kidding? Get away from me, psycho! Oh, shit! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Fuck, Aaron! What are you doing? Um, I'm saving you.
Which way is the exit? It's that way, come on.
Chloe! Let her go.
Get the fuck off me.
Oh, I'm gonna kill the fuck outta you.
Fuck, Michael, get off of me! Let me go, you psycho fucker! Get the fuck off me! Fuck, did you just bite me? Fucking psycho.
Misty? Holy fuck! Oh, fuck.
Shoot that thing! Shoot it, it bit me, it bit me! I don't even know what the fuck is happening, and no, I did not! Don't move, I will kill you both if I have to.
Um, guys, the clock is kinda ticking here.
Well, dude, you better hurry up.
Which one is it? - Misty, it's me.
- Misty You gotta believe me.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Fuck.
Hey, Chloe? Do you trust me? What? To do this, to choose the right one.
Do you trust me? Of course I trust you.
You're my best friend.
And what about you? Am I your best friend? I don't fucking know! I just don't want to die.
Please don't kill me.
Please don't kill me! Let's go.
Okay.
Misty, how did you know it was me? I knew my Chloe wouldn't lie to me.
You only care about yourself, so I knew that you wouldn't just tell me what I wanted to hear.
Oh, shit! Goodbye, aliens! Peace out, bitches! - Woo! - Woo! Yes! So they're all dead now, right? - Yup.
- Okay.
Can I at least take you to dinner? Nope.
Okay, how about coffee? Maybe.
So, as you can probably guess, Misty unfollowed Chloe and hasn't looked back.
And as hard as it is to believe, her and I have actually gotten kinda close.
I mean, she's still a princess, but she's actually kinda cool.
And Aaron? Well, he's still a doofus, but we've been kind of hanging out a lot lately, and I don't know.
Definitely not putting labels on it or anything.
So, anyways, that is the story of how me and my friends managed to stop an alien invasion.
Wild, right? I mean, me, friends.
Of course, the feds showed up after with, like, tons of questions and not so subtly implied that this was all highly top secret, and "snitches get stitches" and all that, but well, fuck it.
There might be more nests out there, and it's not like those G-men did much to stop the last one.
Alan Moore once said that, "The truth of the world is that it's chaotic.
The truth is not some finely tuned conspiracy theory.
The truth is something far more frightening.
Nobody is in control.
The world is rudderless".
Well, bitches, these broadcasts are your instructions.
Seek and destroy.
Consider me your rudder.
Well, shit.
Mom, they're back! Get your shotgun! You just have to believe me, that was not Aaron.
Cut.
Pretty sure it was Aaron.
- Maybe it was.
- It looked like Aaron.
You guys ready to party? You don't have to tell me twi Let me take that again.
Sorry.
Guys, you can't laugh for every one.
You don't have to tell me twice.
Cut.
Nailed it! Wow, you're just lumping us all Chloe! Sorry.
I don't know what that was.
How do we know that you guys didn't just roofie this town with your radiated m Fucking fuck my life.
That's okay, it's okay.
I'm so sorry, guys.
Cut.
I don't know what just happened.
I don't know what just happened.
- What? - You should come to New York with us for spring break.
What? Seatbelts, everybody! Wow, I think I love you.
I love you! Holy shit! You're my dream woman.
Fuck, you almost shot me, but I'm really turned on right now and I'm probably bleeding out and that's probably why, but - What? - So sorry, can we Sorry, can we start over? Oh my God, what the fuck? She laughs every time I look at her.
Okay.
The fuck? Cut.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Pot of gold, throw your cup! - What? - What? Well We're all fu Falafel.
So I know my channel's been off the radar for a while, and no, I wasn't abducted by lizard people or sent to that top secret CIA prison island, which by the way totally exists.
I've just had to lay low for a while 'cause, well, I think the feds are watching me.
And like, I mean, yeah, of course they're watching everybody, but I'm talking like special ops task force kind of watching.
And normally, I'd just lay low till the heat's off, but well, sometimes, the truth is more important than safety.
So here goes.
Okay.
It all happened a year ago.
St.
Patrick's Day, actually.
Coincidentally, the same day that a meteor crashed into our town back in the '70s.
It was supposed to just be a night of college kids getting drunk, but a lot of people died, like, a lot of people.
You little fucker, come on.
Welcome to Emerald Springs Did I mention we love St.
Patrick's Day? Yeah, Chicago has the whole green river thing, but we do more of a green river of puke thing.
What else would you expect from a town full of college kids? Or, as I call them, "customers"? Officer Sullivan, what's your 10 20? Yo, this is ridiculous.
I could literally arrest every single person on this street right now.
Don't have enough cells to hold them all.
Just let them celebrate.
Fuck me.
You call this celebrating? I don't know what to tell you, rookie.
You shoulda seen last year.
A whole pledge class took green shits on the courthouse lawn.
You're fucking with me, right? Luck of the Irish, man.
Shamrock shithole.
Hey, Sullivan, just make it through tonight and beers are on me, all right? Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna be drinking for a while.
All right, I'm gonna head towards the college.
Okay, after that, why don't you catch up with the Massacre? Just play babysitter and make sure they don't all die.
Let's go, kids.
Evening, ladies.
Word.
Wow.
Swing and a miss, Officer Fuckboy.
Shit.
Fuck.
Better be drunk or high.
Are you all right there? Are you okay there? The hell happened to your clothes, man? Okay.
All right, hey.
- What happened? - Oh hey take it easy, yeah? You take something, hm? Drugs? Hey, are you are you a student here? Say something, man.
Okay, I know what you're thinking.
And no, it's not zombies.
People always think it's zombies, but they have a totally different pathology.
Just you'll see.
What the fuck? Like I said, it's gonna be a fucking crazy night.
No fucking way! You ever heard of the porcupine's dilemma? It's the one about those little guys who wanna cuddle up for warmth but they just keep poking each other.
It basically means getting close to people hurts like a bitch.
This is Misty, and she's smack-dab in the middle of her own prickly situation.
Up until a few weeks ago, she and Chloe were besties.
At least, that's what she thought.
Happy St.
Paddy's Day! This is why I don't bother with friends.
Too much baggage and very little upside.
If there's anything my mom taught me, it's family first, yourself second, and fuck everyone else.
But Misty's one of those normal girls who likes having people around.
She's hoping that they can patch things up the good old-fashioned way: binge drinking.
Hey, what's up, Misty? And what better way than an all-night pub crawl? They call this one the Massacre because nobody makes it out alive.
Figuratively speaking, of course.
You waitin' on this motherfuckin' bartender? Stank.
I'm waiting like 30 minutes for a shot.
You know what? Fuck this, motherfuckers, I'm the bartender now.
Heads back, mouths open.
One for you, two for you, cutie.
Hey! And one for me.
And here's the self-proclaimed master of ceremonies, Chloe.
She loves to be the center of attention, and on a night like tonight, that's not necessarily a good thing.
Misty and Chloe have been attached at the hip since freshman year.
But some shit went down a few weeks ago, and when Misty really needed a friend, Chloe was nowhere to be found.
I mean, I'd kick her to the curb, but Misty's loyal.
Or, I dunno, maybe just pathetic.
Sláinte! Let's go! Hey, Chlo! Misty! You made it, girl! Oh, shit.
That's amazing.
That's fuckin' hilarious.
Yeah, I think I'm finally ready to get out the house again.
- I'm glad.
- Guess who? Um, probably some thirsty-ass nerd that won't stop following me around? More like the person who just saved your dumb ass from getting locked out later.
You dropped these at the last bar.
- You're my hero.
- I know.
I love you so much.
Misty, do you know Yuejin? She just transferred here from New York City! She's fancy! No, I don't think I don't think we've met.
We have.
I'm in three of your classes.
Meet Yuejin.
She is kind of a bitch, always down for a good time, and has a closet full of clothes in Chloe's size.
All the makings of a brand-new sidekick.
Weird.
You're gonna love her.
She's the third Musketeer.
Oh yeah.
Misty's definitely being replaced.
Great! Welcome to the group.
Thanks.
By the way, I promise I'm in the story.
Just wait.
For the queen of the bar.
Sorry, they told me to say that.
Who did? - Fucking gross.
- Who, Aaron? Wait, you know Aaron already? Yeah.
I go here.
Aaron Hamilton.
President of Beta Sigma Eta.
He and the rest of these walking boners call themselves the Wolf Pack.
Barf.
Supposedly, they throw the best parties, but they've also got a reputation, the bad kind.
Chloe.
- What are you doing? - Huh? - Chloe! - What? No ugh, no, Misty, he's not like sexually harassing me or something.
Aaron is a sex offender.
Okay? And that pigfuck next to him, his name is Michael, - and you guys don't - We're not gonna do this tonight, Misty, okay? I'm not gonna ruin our St.
Patrick's Day by drinking a roofied green martini at 10:05 p.
m.
Bye-bye.
Chloe! Oh my God.
But we do have to take a picture.
- Of what? - Of us! While we're so cute, before we're tear-streaked vomit goblins.
- Yeah! - Okay.
Yeah, we haven't taken one in a long time.
Yeah.
Will you take it, please? No, no, no, all of us.
Yeah.
And you have the longest arms, you should be the one to take it.
Okay.
Yeah, St.
Paddy! - What? Who's "Drug Dealer"? - Oh, I need this.
For real? I'm actually "Drug Dealer" in your phone? See? What'd I tell ya? Yours truly.
- Get in this pic! - No, no, hard pass.
The more selfies you take, the more data AI has to create deep fakes with your images.
So.
Anyway, uh let's get this underway, yeah? - Yeah, yeah.
- Cool.
Uh, actually, maybe you wanna go somewhere less public? It's St.
Patrick's Day, nobody gives a shit.
All right, here's a little pick-me-up Okay.
for the Queen of the Crawl.
- Thanks.
- Thanks! Who wants Adderall? Gonna be a long fuckin' night.
Hey, over here! Hey.
You ever open one of those things up? They got like tiny little microchips in there that track your location, habit of use, conversations, everything.
Isn't your phone doing that anyway? No.
Whoa.
Who are you? I'm a local caregiver.
It's my job to stay woke.
Yeah, so I'm obviously not like these princesses.
I actually grew up in this town, and some of us need to work for a living.
Plus, your girl here's off the grid, so that sort of limits the professional options.
But you can call me Shauna.
It's a weird-ass holiday.
I know, as if white people didn't have enough days on the calendar to act like complete morons.
If you wanna have some real fun, I have this organic weed that's grown out by the clover fields, so it's laced with radiation from that meteor that landed there 40 years ago.
That's a true story.
Back in the '70s, this huge rock crashed on the edge of town and my mom swears it was actually carrying larval stage extraterrestrial metamorphs.
The whole thing is a big government cover-up, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Oh, I got something Irish for you.
Oh, you're serious.
Yeah.
Mm, I'm good, no thanks.
Okay.
Cool, uh well, I'm gonna go, see if my sales pick up.
Keep an eye out.
- For what? - For what? The end of the world! The end of the world! Listen up, you drunk motherfuckers.
It's time for the tournament to begin.
And we'll begin as we always do with a little game I like to call the Troubles.
What's the Troubles? You'll see.
Get in there, girl! Focus, focus That's it! Yes, bitch, yes! You're getting it, you're getting it.
Wait anarchy, anarchy! Switch sides, switch sides.
You have to go to the other side.
Bitch, go to the other side! Why? Where? Okay, go! That's it, that's it, that's it! Get on your knees! You're a leprechaun! We got it! Pot of gold! Throw your cups! Pot of gold! She's cool, right? Yeah, she's okay.
That's high praise coming from you.
You should come to New York City with us.
- What? - For spring break.
Her dad has a penthouse or something in Central Park.
It's gonna be fun.
What happened to Cancun? I don't know, Cancun's kinda like played-out, and I didn't know if that'd be your vibe 'cause of your funk.
- My funk? - Yeah.
Thought you weren't in the mood to party.
Chloe! Michael drugged me.
I don't know what happened to me that night.
But I know that there was something in my drink, I know that for a fact, and I know that Michael didn't just tuck me into bed and watch me sleep.
Shit, I'm sorry if I've been in a funk.
Yeah, well that's all I mean.
You don't believe that happened to me, do you? Of course I do.
Yeah, I keep hearing you say that, but I don't see it.
Well, I just don't know what to do about it.
All I can think to do is be positive, which I'm doing, but it doesn't seem to be helping.
Plus, the Beta guys aren't all bad.
And I've been hanging out with Yuejin lately, which I don't mean that in a weird way, like instead of you.
No, that's great, I get it.
Actually, keep doing that, yeah.
You just keep hanging with your new best friend and staying positive, okay? Misty.
Girl! Is everything okay in there? Come on, St.
Patrickses.
Get those fucking snakes out of Ireland.
Winner gets shots! No, dude, look.
Everybody knows that the first moon landing was faked.
It's, like not even a conspiracy.
It's just a cover-up for the real shit.
For example, did you know that Paul McCartney died in 1968 from a car wreck and they replaced him with a lookalike? Also, Avril Lavigne.
Look it up.
Can I have an Irish coffee, please? Sure thing.
How's your night going? I'm not making any sales tonight.
There's a weird spell over the town, it's very unusual.
- Mm.
Illuminati? - Or aliens.
Ah.
You know, some do say Saint Patrick was an alien.
That doesn't make sense, though.
Why? Do you not believe? Okay, the myth is Saint Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland, right? But since there weren't actually any snakes in Ireland, shouldn't your little conspiracy theory be "Saint Patrick saved Ireland from aliens", not that he was an actual alien? This is my impressed face.
Drink it in, because you will not see it very often.
Whatever, okay, I I don't know.
All I know is that there's something off with the group dynamics.
When dealing with alien invasions, you always wanna pay attention to the subtle things.
Sure, this looks like normal late stage adolescent fuckery, but something lurking just beneath the surface is askew.
It's a drug dealer thing.
I can feel it.
I'm not in a group, so it's easy for me to see.
Tell me about it.
So you've noticed it too? Yeah.
No I mean no.
I don't know, maybe it's just the holiday, whatever.
Oh my God.
Actually, you're right.
Something is wrong.
You know, my mom did see the meteor that landed here on St.
Patrick's Day in 197 okay.
Oh, sorry! Fuck! - Yuejin? - Yeah, it's me.
They're making me wear this mask because I lost.
I don't even know what game I was playing.
All right, just one second, I just wanna talk to Chloe real quick.
Yeah.
Will you just tell her that I'm going to the next spot? I gotta get out of here, these fucking games are killing me.
Sorry, sorry.
Hey.
Oh, hi.
Did you see Chloe over there a minute ago? Yeah, she just left with some dude.
- Aaron? - I don't know his name.
College guys only talk to me if they want to buy drugs.
Guess he's a good boy.
No, that's impossible.
Well, I mean, unless he's buying from Whiskey Dave, but his shit's mostly baby laxative, so it's basically not doing drugs at all.
No, no, no, I mean it's impossible that she would leave with that creep.
I don't know what to tell you.
Maybe you don't know your friend as well as you thought you did.
Oh, shit! Speak of the devil.
Chloe Willis, hey girl.
Your friend's looking for you.
Now that I think about it, you are kinda cute.
- What is it? - Oh yeah? - A little bit.
- I don't know.
Butt-dial, maybe? Chlo? Well, maybe your friends just wanted me for themselves.
- I'm pretty sure - Chloe? - Do you always - Uh, hey! Hello? That's my phone! Chloe, where are you? Hey.
Have you seen Chloe? Stop it! We are in Chlo, where are you? Hey, what the hell? - Come on, whoa! - It's Misty! Hey.
Have you guys seen Chloe? No.
Sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Chloe, fuck! Sorry.
Quit fucking following me and let go of me.
- Let's go.
- Let go of me.
I said let go of me.
I'm not playing anymore, let go of me.
Chloe, listen to my voice.
I'm right here and I'm not leaving, okay? Just tell me where you are! - Get off of me! - Stop fighting.
Stop and let go of me! Help! Let go of me! Let go of me! Help! Help! Chloe! Hey! What the fuck? Gimme back my phone.
Fuck.
Fuck, she's gone.
- That fuckhead took her, fuck! - Okay, okay, slow down.
Fuck, that fuckhead! Fuck! She was flirting with him in the bar, and then and look.
- What, she's a Gemini? - She doesn't just drop her phone! Fuck! Okay, calm down.
Can I please just have my phone back? Fuck your phone, are you kidding? Okay, uh, do you wanna call the cops? Because if you do, I can't really be here, due to all the, you know, drug dealing.
- Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
- Look.
I don't have Prozac because it's not really the business model, but here, take this.
- What? No! - It's Xanax, you need to calm down.
- Oh man.
- All right, look, look, listen hey, listen, I know what a panic attack looks like, all right? Just trust me.
Take this.
I'd call the cops but I can't.
Why not? I take it you've never dealt with the cops in a situation like this before.
I try not to, but yes, I have dealt with the cops a time or two.
That's not what I mean! Fuck! If I call 9-1-1 and tell them I saw a drunk frat guy flirting with my drunk friend at a bar, they're gonna tell me that's what college kids do.
If I tell them I actually didn't see anything and I have no idea where they went, they're gonna start calling me "young lady" and asking if I've been drinking too or taking some of the drugs you just gave me, for example.
True.
It is hard to get people to believe what they don't see, and by the time they do, it's usually too late.
Oh shit.
Oh my God, no! He probably took her back to that ratfuck cesspool - of a frat house.
- Okay.
So do you wanna go and check if she's there? Shit.
No, I would, but no, no, I can't.
If I Fuck.
I'm sorry.
It's fine.
I'm guessing you've been there before? So this is when I should have just said, "Have a great night! Good luck finding your horrible friend", and gone back to my normal life of not dealing with other people's shit.
But, fuck! Look at this crying mess.
I mean, I'm tough, but I'm not made of stone.
Plus, business was slow and the Beta boys are always willing to pay double, so what the hell.
Um, mm-kay, fine.
I'm coming with you.
I'm coming with you.
Let's go.
Wait.
Oh, good.
The Beta boys are still getting smashed on the pub crawl.
You coming? Hey, what happened here? I don't remember.
It's kinda part of the problem? You know, you can't file a police report if you don't know what you're filing it about.
I just I woke up here once, and all I know is nothing good happens in that house, so.
Yeah.
I've heard the stories.
- No one listened.
- Okay.
Well I believe you.
And I'm not scared of shit in this world, so Come on.
Let's go get your friend.
Uh, yeah, hi.
Believe women, it's 2020.
And besides, no one ever listens to me when I say shit, so I know how fucking infuriating it is.
Okay, where are the bedrooms? Through there.
What is that? Shauna.
Shauna! Can I help you girls? Michael.
The biggest asshole of them all.
Apparently, his dad's some bigshot lawyer so he thinks he can get away with anything.
Can you believe he specifically asked for roofies once? Fucking moron.
I sold him a bottle of Tic Tacs and I said they were horse tranquilizers.
Well, well, well.
Misty Carpenter.
It's great to see you again.
I been meaning to have a civilized conversation with you about some of the things that you said about me.
No, dude, we're looking for Aaron.
Very important matters.
Well, he's busy.
Where is he? He's upstairs.
Uh, afraid I can't let you do that.
Why not? - Like I said, he's busy.
- All right, dude, look.
You like Molly? Here you go.
- You're good.
- Great.
Not her.
I need to clear up a few things before we welcome you back here.
How about now? Fine.
Misty! You ever wanna grab a coffee and chat, just let me know.
God, we should burn this place to the fucking ground.
Aaron, open the door.
What is it, what do you hear? We need to open this door.
Wait move, move, move.
Fuck.
You just carry that with you? Mama taught me a thing or two over the years.
And one of them was that Boy Scouts aren't the only ones who should always be prepared.
This isn't the first lock I've had to pick.
Jesus Fuck, you gotta untie me.
Where's Chloe? We need to get out of here right now, okay? Not until you tell me what you did with her.
Did with what the fuck are you talking about? Aaron, I saw you with her.
- Who? - Chloe! - Idiot.
- I don't know where Chloe is! You guys saw us leave the pub after she poured her fucking drink on the ground.
Right, and then you came ba I saw you talking to her! I have no idea what you're talking about.
I've been tied to this bed for the past couple hours.
Look at my leg.
Look at my leg! I'm lucky to be alive.
Fucking get me out! All right, I am sick of this shit, okay? I saw what I saw.
I know the cops probably won't believe me but I don't know what else to do.
Oh no wait, wait hey, wait.
Wait! Wait! Hey, you, you! Okay, hi.
We left, all right? You saw us leave the pub.
Okay, you can ask anyone downstairs.
We came back here right after.
I wasn't with Chloe.
It is strange how you got here so quickly.
- Yes, yes! - Hi.
I need to report a kidnapping.
- Fuck! - Yeah.
At the Beta Sigma Eta house on campus.
When's the last time that you saw me? I don't know, like, what, 15 minutes ago? And in that time, I got back here, I tied myself to this bed and bit out a chunk of my own leg? - They're on their way.
- Great.
I need to report that I was attacked - by some crazy fucking bitch! - You know what? Just start from the beginning, okay? How did this happen? Wait.
You said that you saw somebody at the pub 15 minutes ago that looked like me? Not someone who looked like you, asshole, it was you.
Okay.
Okay, this is gonna sound crazy.
I brought a girl home from the pub not fucking Chloe and she was apparently into some really kinky shit.
Things got really rough.
You know? Little playful nibble here and there, and then she just bit into my leg.
I looked down and there's a fucking chunk of my leg gone.
And there was something weird in her eyes.
What do you mean? It was like a it was like a green cloud.
And it freaked me out, so I kicked her off me.
Right.
So where is she now? Well, this is the crazy part.
She was on the ground and made this insane fucking sound.
Like bones breaking.
And then she got up, and I swear to God, she suddenly looked like You? Yeah.
Like me.
I fucking knew it, I fucking I told you, I told you there was something in the air tonight.
Are you serious right now? - You don't actually be - Okay.
This thing, where did it go? My boys had started knocking on the door, probably from all the commotion.
It got scared and it went out the window.
This is when shit gets real.
What did I tell you? What did I tell you! Not zombies, no fucking aliens.
Right? I mean, we've been saying this the whole time.
And it wasn't really the right time to revel in it, you know, but man, did it feel good to be right.
And I know Misty was still all concerned about finding Chloe, but alien invasion happening, and we were right in the middle of it! And that's when I realized, oh fuck, we were right in the middle of it.
Tonight just took a hard freakin' turn from rescue mission to fight for survival.
Now, trust, I've been training for survival my whole life.
But even if I could save myself, could I save two princesses, a frat guy, and a still missing, possibly dead party girl? Well, that was a different fucking story altogether.
Because Jessica, she's got the bottom but not the top, you know? Little bit of this, little bit of that.
- Oh shit.
- Yeah.
It's okay, fellas, relax.
St.
Patrick's Day, I'm not here to ruin the party.
Is there something we can help you with, Officer? Why are you guys still hanging around here? You guys should be out partying! Don't you like to party? - We like to party.
- That's good.
Gotta follow tradition.
Get wasted.
Trash the town! Yeah, we're just we're just waiting for Aaron.
You guys should head out now.
He'll catch up with you.
It's cool.
- We'll just wait for Aaron.
- No, you should go now.
- Come on.
- Yeah.
Yeah, all right.
We will, uh we'll go now.
There we go.
St.
Patrick's Day.
I'm your cool aunt tonight, let's go.
You left your drugs.
Just don't look.
All right.
Please just untie me.
I'm kinda bleeding out here and I really need to pee.
Yes, finally.
Hi, hey.
Anyone care to explain to me what's going on here? He kidnapped our friend.
Kinda looks like the other way around.
- No - Who's your friend? - Chloe Willis.
- And where is she? - Ask him! - I'm the one that got attacked, sir.
Look at me.
- Who did that? - He claims that he did.
- That's not what I said.
- Okay, um, officer? I believe that we are in the midst of an alien invasion in which imposters are rapidly replacing the citizens of this town.
That's interesting.
It sounds a little far-fetched.
Sure you guys aren't just drunk like everyone else in this town? Something lurking just beneath the surface.
Fucking askew.
- No.
No, no, no, no! - Okay.
Can you please just untie me, sir? No! Um, excuse me, sorry, what are you doing? - I'm gonna untie him.
- Thank you.
Aren't you gonna like investigate or something? I'm taking him to the station.
What? Why am I being arrested, for what? Just standard procedure.
How is it standard procedure? I didn't do anything.
Excuse me, officer, sir.
Um, Aaron actually isn't our main concern.
We just wanna find my friend Chloe Willis.
We'll be on the lookout for her.
It's a small town, I'm sure she'll turn up.
No, no, no, you don't understand.
Chloe Chloe literally doesn't Hey, hey, hey.
Dude, can you at least let me put my clothes on? Okay, look, so what I was trying to tell you earlier about the meteor that landed here in 1978? - It was on St.
Patrick's Day.
- Shut up! I don't wanna hear about some fucking conspiracy theory right now, I'm talking about Chloe! I know that! I am too.
I'm talking about her and Aaron and this entire town.
Aren't you supposed to do the whole Miranda thing? Am I under arrest? Hey.
Can you please just give me a first aid kit - for my wound? - Get in.
Fuck! Is that Chloe, are you okay? Yuejin, it's Misty.
Where's Chloe? We're trying to figure that out right now, I was hoping you knew.
People are losing their minds.
I think I've seen like 12 fights break out in the last hour.
I just saw someone biting a person like a fucking zombie movie.
No, not zombies; they're alien imposters.
What? Who is that? It's Shauna from the pub.
Where are you right now? I'm leaving the pub crawl.
Seriously, it's like everyone is tripping balls on bath salts.
Okay.
We're at the Beta house.
Just come meet us here.
Okay.
Fuck.
Oh, fuck no.
Wait! Told you he's a psycho! He's one of them, he attacked me.
Look come look.
Holy shit.
Fuck me.
Yup, as I suspected.
Imposters don't bleed red.
Most people would be grossed out by alien blood, but this is what I call bona fide proof, y'all! Can somebody please just uncuff me? Yeah, sorry.
Oh, fuck.
All right, I don't know what the fuck is going on tonight, but that's the second one that tried to attack me.
Yup, you are lucky to be alive.
This alien imposter was out to kill you.
I'm thinking it's because the one who attacked you earlier got your DNA and became you.
You know, that's how they operate.
That's impossible.
Not for aliens.
So that's who was at the pub with Chloe, my imposter.
That means they got Chloe.
Not necessarily.
I mean, you know, he escaped, so it's possible she did too.
- Hey, Misty! - Yuejin! Over here! What's happening, why are the cops Oh, what the fuck? - Yup.
- What is that? And why is he covered in green goo? Hello, what the hell's going on? What does it look like? Alien invasion, Yuejin.
They're finally coming out from hiding.
Is she still for real with this? Hey, wait, where are you going? I need a fucking Band-Aid.
Okay, easy, easy.
What do you think they want? Great question, but I'm not really concerned about that right now.
It's happening whether we want it to or not.
Okay.
Sorry, I just This is all completely crazy.
Like, I feel like I'm in someone else's acid trip.
Your acid trip.
Hey, don't kill the messenger.
No, it's gotta be something else.
Aliens is just absurd.
Okay, well, you can go take a look at the alien cop outside if you want more proof.
Oh, fuck.
We left him outside.
Somebody's gonna notice that.
I think I know where we need to go.
I think we may be able to get some answers.
To what? An alien invasion? And weapons.
Weapons? You can never be too prepared.
Okay Hey.
What do you think, Misty? I just I told her to stay away from them, and I I just don't get why she didn't believe me.
Stay away from who, the imposters? No.
Aaron.
All the guys at the pub.
You told her to stay away from me? Yeah.
You, Michael, all of you guys.
Wow.
So you're just lumping us all together? Well, you're, like, a frickin' pervert mafia.
Hey.
I'm not Michael.
So then why didn't you do anything about it? Right.
Wait, Misty.
Chloe? Misty, you ready to go? Chloe? Shit! They're here! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait! Hey, wait, wait! Where's Aaron? Help! Help! Somebody fucking help me! Help! Help! Like I said, always be prepared.
I think I love you.
Gross.
You just have a gun on you? Got it off the dead alien.
I'm driving.
Oh, shit, get down.
Get down.
Should we just go? No, no, just stay low.
They don't know we're here.
So is everybody just an alien now? I mean, I don't know, but these guys are definitely not normal humans.
How do you know that? They're loading the officer's body into the truck.
How'd they know the body was here? They are a hive mind.
Okay.
I think we're good.
God, we really are in the middle of nowhere, aren't we? Can't believe people actually live out here.
It's a real shithole.
Yup.
Hey.
Can I ask you a personal question? Okay.
Are you really Irish? What? Your shirt, it says, "Kiss me, I'm Irish".
Oh my God.
Hey.
- Dear God, what? - Do you still think I'm the kind of guy who would've kidnapped your friend? One hundred percent.
I'm not like the rest of the guys in my house.
Aren't you, like, a registered sex offender? No.
No, no, that's a that's a stupid rumor that started after I was arrested for peeing in public.
- What? - Yeah.
Indecent exposure is what they call it.
After everything with Michael, I guess it was just an easy rumor to start.
Cool.
I guess congratulations for not being a rapist.
It was actually a really good learning experience.
I did community service, I started coaching and volunteering, and I even changed my major from marketing to education.
What is happening right now? What is this, some kind of 12-Step-for-Misogynists thing? You get a chip for each woman you manage to convince you're not a monster? Misty, I'm not a bad guy.
No, of course not.
You just hang out with bad guys and party with bad guys and live with bad guys, but, no, I'm sure you're not a bad guy.
You know what, you're right.
I fucked up, okay? I should've done something, and I didn't.
I need to learn from my mistakes, and I need to be better.
So I hope you can forgive me.
Thank you for saying that.
And I know that you're not Michael.
We're gonna find her.
Okay.
We needed a safe spot to lay low, regroup, and strategize, and even though it may not look like it, trust me, this is the safest place in town right now.
Mom.
Could you get the gun out of our faces please? Meet my mom.
She never taught me how to cross-stitch, but I can assemble a Beretta M9 in 10 seconds, blindfolded.
Holy shit, that's your mom? What did you bring into my house? They're, um, friends of mine, I guess.
You can trust them.
We came here because we need your help.
You were right, Mama.
About all of it.
They're here.
Well we're all fucked.
I mean, the fact that you even got this picture means it's too late.
I've been calling this for years.
I told everyone about them, little organisms on that meteor, back on March 17th, 1978, but they they all thought I was crazy.
We believe you.
That's why we're here, asking for your help.
You don't believe me! You're just all in trouble.
You know, that's the problem.
Folks need everything to make sense before they believe what's happening right in front of them, and by then, it's too late.
Wow.
That is totally depressing and unhelpful.
I'm ready to go.
Where are you off to? I don't know, back to New York.
Stop it, we need to try.
Please, Ms.
Shore, please.
Just God, just tell us what to do, okay? My best friend is still out there.
Please.
They were as small as bugs when I first observed them, and it appears that, well, they're finally evolving into human size.
You know, them them shape-shifting imposters, they're just taking orders from the nest.
- The nest? - They're like ants.
Super alien ants.
Once you destroy the nest, they'll all come down.
Right.
They're just gonna keep taking over human beings with their kind, so they multiply.
You expect us to believe that? That's insane.
The most logical explanation is that this town is infected with something.
Not aliens.
I don't expect anything from you, young lady.
And you seem the type that's too smart for her own good.
Okay, look, let's just say that there's a nest somewhere.
How do we destroy it? There's some C4 in that backpack on the third shelf.
- C4? - What? How else are you gonna blow up the nest? I don't think we know where the nest is.
Do we? - Oh! - Sorry.
No, we haven't seen it yet.
Okay, well, when the meteor first hit, it was in some field next to that old, abandoned Miller warehouse.
The Miller warehouse? That's the last stop for the pub crawl tonight.
They're probably already there.
That's why this is happening.
The aliens are defending themselves against a bunch of drunk assholes showing up at the nest, and the nest must be inside that warehouse.
Is something funny? Yeah! This whole thing.
Everything we've seen tonight, all these nonsense theories you guys are coming up with.
I know what I know, and I saw what I saw.
So if you're not interested in what I have to say, then you can kindly fuck off out of my house, young lady.
You know what, it's not a bad idea.
- I should go.
- Where? Anywhere not here.
I don't know what's going on, but we're just asking for trouble if we go to that warehouse and join back up with the pub crawl.
Yuejin, we have to find Chloe, and we need all the help that we can get, so cut this shit out.
You really don't get it, Misty.
Yeah, I'm not gonna stick around for this hillbilly, E.
T.
bullshit.
- Good luck with the nest.
- Yuejin! Yuejin! All right, let's gear up.
Hey.
You sure you're ready for this? I don't think we have a choice.
Fucking Podunk town.
Oh, shit.
Where'd you get that? Dead alien.
Yuejin, what the fuck? What happened? Hey, wait! I changed my mind.
I'm coming with you guys.
What happened? One of them chased me.
I got away, but, fuck, that was stupid.
You were right.
We should stick together.
Welcome back.
All right.
You guys ready to party? You don't have to tell me twice.
Let's do this.
I'll be back, you know.
I know you will.
You gonna be okay here? What the What'd you say happen to that guy who chased you again? I guess he just took off.
What? - We clear? - Yeah.
Then fuck it.
Let's just go.
Okay, so we find the nest, blow it up, save Chloe and the world? No big deal.
Okay, so at this point, we are armed, slightly buzzed, and ready to kick some alien ass.
Oh, in case you're wondering, the nest is the physical nexus of the metamorph psionic neural net.
Like, uh, alien Wi-Fi.
The shared brain that controls them all.
At least that was the theory.
Nobody had ever seen it before, but if it existed, which we were, like, 98% sure that it did, aliens would totally keep it hidden because it's, like, a kill switch for their entire army.
Luckily, though, neural energy has a limited range, so we knew that it couldn't be far.
But, uh, as we were driving around town, we started to realize that we might be running out of time.
Normally there'd be kids all over the place, running around, drinking, making out, puking, making out again with puke breath, but it was just empty.
Like a ghost town.
Best I figured, most of them had already been replaced.
Ipso facto, dead.
Shauna? You okay? Yeah.
Are you sure? I don't know.
Part of me should be happy because me and my mom were fucking right the entire time, but I'm also kind of freaking out because us being right means that people are dying and the world might end.
That's pretty dark.
Yeah.
What? You really care about her, don't you? Chloe? She's my best friend.
Best friend? Hmm, so then what happened these last few weeks? It was just the whole thing with me and Michael.
I just remember telling Chloe about it the next morning and and I couldn't tell if she believed me or not.
But that's just Chloe.
She never really takes anything seriously, and life is just fun and carefree.
Hmm.
Sounds like Chloe made the right choice.
- Excuse me? - Well, I can't blame her.
You're a glutton for punishment who surrounds herself with drama and psychosis, like a conspiracy theorist and her mom, for example.
- Yuejin, chill! - Hey, fuck you! You don't know anything about me and Chloe.
In fact, I don't know how Chloe ever put up with your bullshit.
Stop the car.
What? Stop the car! - What the fuck, Misty? - Get out! Hey, what's going on? - This bitch is an alien.
- What are you talking about? She sees an alien, lives to tell about it, and then there's there's no evidence of this so-called alien when we get outside - because she's one of them! - She's just pissed off because Chloe's replacing her with me as her number one.
Oh, fuck off! Okay, this is crazy, you guys.
Is it though? She did disappear for a while and came back with this brand new attitude, and we've seen weirder shit tonight.
It's because I was trying to avoid going on a suicide mission.
Oh, so then what happened? Why are you here now? And how do we know that you're not an alien? You and your mom? How do we know that you guys didn't just roofie this whole town with your radiated weed? What the fuck did you just say about me and my family? - All right, come on.
- Guys.
There's an easy way to settle this.
We're all gonna prick our fingers, and everyone who bleeds red is human.
I'll do it.
All right.
I appreciate the support, Aaron, but we all know that you're human because of the gaping flesh wound on your leg.
Oh, yeah, right, right, okay.
So, who's next? Since you're the one accusing people, - why don't you go? - Fine by me.
See, she took us to that creepy old hoarder's house, a woman who, by the way, conveniently told us to blow up a warehouse party based on some bullshit story about the nest or whatever? Well, maybe you don't want us going to the nest because you're a shit-sucking alien fuck! And maybe you're as crazy - as your fucking mama is.
- Fuck you! Okay, Shauna, just show her that you have human blood.
Give me the fucking knife.
I'll show you the truth.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! - Oh my God! - Fuck! Oh, look at that.
Not an alien.
Don't let her get the bag! Oh, man.
Fuck.
Fuck, let's go, let's go.
Come on.
Okay.
And then there were three.
This is the place? Yup, this is where it all started.
Do you think we're too late? Only one way to find out.
Oh my God.
Shit.
What do you think, aliens? I think they're just drunk.
Well, should we warn them? Yeah.
Hey! Don't go in there! Fuck you! Well, they're dead.
So, do we think Chloe's here? It's the end of the crawl.
She has to be.
All right, once we find the nest, I'll plant the charges and set the timer for five minutes.
Aaron, you pull the fire alarm.
Everybody will evacuate, and we'll bounce before we're blown to bits.
So, what are the rules of engagement for humans and/or aliens? - Rules of engagement? - Chill out, Ramboner.
Just assume everyone's an alien, all right? Punch or stun them with weapons if they get too close or aggressive.
What if it's Chloe? No exceptions.
All right, y'all.
Last chance to pull the ripcord and bail.
No way, José.
We're in this together now.
Yeah, let's do this.
Um, where is everyone? Did they just go home? Fuck.
Maybe everyone's already an alien, and these people are too wasted to realize that they're next.
This is the lamest pub crawl ever.
Do you guys see Chloe? Hey, hey, where are you going? I'm just looking, I just wanna No, come on, we gotta stay focused and stay together.
Let's keep going.
What's up, bro? What the fuck, Michael? What the fuck is this? What? I thought you said no exceptions.
It's red.
He's not an alien.
Either way Come on.
Okay, well, I mean, it wouldn't just be out here in the open for everyone to see it, so Weird alien goo dripping from an unknown source above us.
It's probably up there.
All right.
Let's check it out.
Jesus Christ.
- Oh my God.
- Wow.
How did your mom predict all this? She first discovered them when the meteor hit, and then she spent her entire life researching.
Nobody believed her.
Everybody just thought she was, like, wasted 'cause it happened on St.
Patrick's Day.
Once we destroy this thing, all the aliens will die, right? Well, that's the theory.
Well, let's blow this shit up and get the hell outta here.
Whoa.
You sure you know what you're doing? Yeah, yeah.
Me and Mom used to blow up cars at the junkyard all the time.
I was like six, but I still remember the process.
That's really reassuring.
- She's here! - Who? Chloe, Chloe, she's down below.
No, no, no, no, no, do not go down there, no exceptions! Chloe, Chloe! - Chloe? - Misty! Dude! Holy shit! Chloe, I'm sorry for walking away from you at the pub and leaving you alone You won't believe the shit that's happened to me tonight.
First of all, Aaron attacked me.
Did you did you not hear me? Aaron attacked me, he's a psycho.
Girl, it is a long story, but just believe me, that was not Aaron.
Ugh, you are nasty.
What are you made out of? All right, timer's set.
We have five minutes to get back to the car.
Whoa, whoa, wait, what are you doing? Don't fucking touch it! You just tripped some alien alarm.
Oh my God.
Fuck, you are such an idiot.
We really have to go now, come on.
No, no, no, it was for sure Aaron, and he for sure attacked me.
What was that? What the fuck kind of noise? - What is happening - Hey, hey, hey.
Hi, uh, timer's set, we gotta go right now.
Oh, no, no, no, no! Hey, you found Chloe.
Get the fuck away from me.
- Chloe - What? Okay, Chloe, - Aaron didn't attack you.
- What? Misty, I know what happened.
This is not your made-up bullshit.
Wait, wait, how do you know she's not an alien? I'm sorry, what? Here, here, check her blood.
What did he say? It's okay, it's me, it's me, okay? I know this doesn't make sense at all right now, but this is something that we have to do to make sure, just trust me.
I'm not gonna let you cut me! You're fucking crazy! I knew you were fucking mental! Hey, hey, hey, last chance.
If I get to the car and you guys aren't there, I swear to fuck I am taking off.
The bomb's gonna go off any minute now.
- Now there's a bomb? - Yes, a bomb! And Aaron just let every alien in town know that we're here.
We gotta go now.
Get to the fire alarm.
We need to get everyone out of here.
Chloe, are you kidding? Get away from me, psycho! Oh, shit! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Fuck, Aaron! What are you doing? Um, I'm saving you.
Which way is the exit? It's that way, come on.
Chloe! Let her go.
Get the fuck off me.
Oh, I'm gonna kill the fuck outta you.
Fuck, Michael, get off of me! Let me go, you psycho fucker! Get the fuck off me! Fuck, did you just bite me? Fucking psycho.
Misty? Holy fuck! Oh, fuck.
Shoot that thing! Shoot it, it bit me, it bit me! I don't even know what the fuck is happening, and no, I did not! Don't move, I will kill you both if I have to.
Um, guys, the clock is kinda ticking here.
Well, dude, you better hurry up.
Which one is it? - Misty, it's me.
- Misty You gotta believe me.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Fuck.
Hey, Chloe? Do you trust me? What? To do this, to choose the right one.
Do you trust me? Of course I trust you.
You're my best friend.
And what about you? Am I your best friend? I don't fucking know! I just don't want to die.
Please don't kill me.
Please don't kill me! Let's go.
Okay.
Misty, how did you know it was me? I knew my Chloe wouldn't lie to me.
You only care about yourself, so I knew that you wouldn't just tell me what I wanted to hear.
Oh, shit! Goodbye, aliens! Peace out, bitches! - Woo! - Woo! Yes! So they're all dead now, right? - Yup.
- Okay.
Can I at least take you to dinner? Nope.
Okay, how about coffee? Maybe.
So, as you can probably guess, Misty unfollowed Chloe and hasn't looked back.
And as hard as it is to believe, her and I have actually gotten kinda close.
I mean, she's still a princess, but she's actually kinda cool.
And Aaron? Well, he's still a doofus, but we've been kind of hanging out a lot lately, and I don't know.
Definitely not putting labels on it or anything.
So, anyways, that is the story of how me and my friends managed to stop an alien invasion.
Wild, right? I mean, me, friends.
Of course, the feds showed up after with, like, tons of questions and not so subtly implied that this was all highly top secret, and "snitches get stitches" and all that, but well, fuck it.
There might be more nests out there, and it's not like those G-men did much to stop the last one.
Alan Moore once said that, "The truth of the world is that it's chaotic.
The truth is not some finely tuned conspiracy theory.
The truth is something far more frightening.
Nobody is in control.
The world is rudderless".
Well, bitches, these broadcasts are your instructions.
Seek and destroy.
Consider me your rudder.
Well, shit.
Mom, they're back! Get your shotgun! You just have to believe me, that was not Aaron.
Cut.
Pretty sure it was Aaron.
- Maybe it was.
- It looked like Aaron.
You guys ready to party? You don't have to tell me twi Let me take that again.
Sorry.
Guys, you can't laugh for every one.
You don't have to tell me twice.
Cut.
Nailed it! Wow, you're just lumping us all Chloe! Sorry.
I don't know what that was.
How do we know that you guys didn't just roofie this town with your radiated m Fucking fuck my life.
That's okay, it's okay.
I'm so sorry, guys.
Cut.
I don't know what just happened.
I don't know what just happened.
- What? - You should come to New York with us for spring break.
What? Seatbelts, everybody! Wow, I think I love you.
I love you! Holy shit! You're my dream woman.
Fuck, you almost shot me, but I'm really turned on right now and I'm probably bleeding out and that's probably why, but - What? - So sorry, can we Sorry, can we start over? Oh my God, what the fuck? She laughs every time I look at her.
Okay.
The fuck? Cut.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Pot of gold, throw your cup! - What? - What? Well We're all fu Falafel.