It's a Date (2013) s02e06 Episode Script
Should You Date On Impulse?
1 # Theme music Right.
Oh! Oh! Oh, bugger! (Low chatter) (Groans) (European accent) Are you OK? How can anything ever be OK again when your best friend abandons you? Oh, you've lost your dog? Bowie.
His name's Bowie.
Do you have a dog? You're not a cat person? Please don't be a cat person.
An Irish Setter.
His name is Francis.
He just turned five, while I was in Brazil, actually.
Yeah, we we Skyped.
Oh, that's very clever of him.
(Chuckles) So, um, your dog, Bowie, what's what's he like? Oh, you know, he's he's like a-average dog size, brownish.
Politically he's left leaning, musically he loves Katy Perry.
Really? Just loves it.
(Chuckles) (Tram bell dings) Oh Oh Got yourself in a spot of trouble there, love? Yeah, heel's stuck.
Yes, I can see that.
Yeah.
I was walking, texting.
Texting my boss 'cause I was running late.
(Speaks indistinctly) Um, could you please help me? I don't wanna die.
Yeah, fair enough.
Couldn't have a good-looking girl like yourself splattered all over the track.
Yeah.
No, no, she's she's jammed pretty tight there.
I think you'll have to lose your shoe.
Really? It's just that they're really nice shoes, that's all.
Yeah, we'll give them a really nice funeral if you want.
(Tram bell dings) Uh, please, hurry.
Hang on.
Hoo-hoo! That's close.
(Breathes heavily) Did you know that tram was gonna turn? Oh, yeah.
So what part of Sweden are you from? Is this what you do? You come to backpacker pubs and guess where people are from? Is this a backpacker pub? Well, yes, it is.
And, yes, I am from Sweden.
Aha! I've never been to Sweden, but I have been to IKEA, which is pretty much the same thing.
Oh, yes, yes, you're right.
We're also all blonde, tanned nymphomaniacs, you know? (Laughs) Well, you are blonde and you are tanned, so are you a nymphomaniac? Well, you're the one with the leash.
(Chuckles) Sorry about that.
It's OK.
More streamlined now.
Anyway, hope you have a better day than the one you're having.
All the best.
JOANNE: Um Would you like to go out to dinner with me? As a thankyou.
Uh, no, it's it's OK.
Look, we don't know each other.
Sorry.
I did save your life.
I do feel responsible for you.
Dinner? Come on, everybody does dinner.
Bit predictable, isn't it? Well, we could do breakfast.
I mean, um not the breakfast the morning after, um .
.
'cause sometimes I have breakfast for dinner.
I mean, I have cornflakes and Froot Loops 'cause I like to change it up a bit.
(Chuckles) No Do you like art exhibitions? If you say no, I will judge you.
Sydney for one month and now here.
But I should let you look for your dog and get back to my friend.
Uh, well, it looks like your friend has pretty much got her tongue all the way down Lionel Messi's throat.
So well.
(Chuckles) I've got an idea.
Does it involve the leash? (Chuckles) Come with me.
I really wanna find my dog.
But I wanna continue this.
Well, I should let you know I am I'm going home to Sweden tomorrow.
Well, let's not waste any more time.
Are you sure we won't get into trouble? I mean, it is invite only.
Don't need an invite.
You just need a name tag, that's all.
Hmm? Thank you.
Suits you.
Thank you.
God, that stank when I was kid.
Moved on from it now, though.
You? Oh, tough.
Kids used to call me (Speaks indistinctly) It was cruel.
Taught me to be stronger.
Right, where's the food in this joint? Oh, I think I saw some wine.
Has Bowie escaped before? No, this is really not like him at all.
Bowie! Bowie! Bowie! Bowie! Oh, hey.
# COUNTRY MUSIC RIFF Do that do that funky little tune.
Yeah.
# UPBEAT MUSIC Check it out.
# Oh, hey, Freja # You've come a long, long way-a, from Sweden over to Australia # And I want you to stay-a # Well, I just lost my canine # You were in the bar looking so divine # Now we're here, it's not a romance # The busker's here by coincidence and we're singing near a bridge Everything is ridgey-didge.
Ridgey-didge, that's like authentic Australian vernacular.
I'll tell you about that later.
Here we go.
Oh, Freja, please don't go away-a So, Joanne, what do you do for a living? What I do? What I do is pretty boring, to be honest.
I'm a graphic designer who spends most of her time mapping out pamphlets for banks or redesigning the Barbecue HQ website, which has been a dream of mine ever since I was a little girl.
Hmm.
I do like barbecues.
Hmm.
I'm one notch above the artist who designs patterns for toilet paper.
In fact, that artist has probably more creative freedom than I do.
Maybe I should've let that tram hit you.
(Chuckles) It's not forever, though.
I wanna write graphic novels.
Like comics? Sort of.
I mean, these are more like illustrative novels, more for adults.
I wanna create a smart, romantic graphic novel.
What, like a porno? Yes, Terry, I wanna draw pornos.
How is that working out? Uh, slowly.
I mean, I've got everything except for a protagonist and a narrative.
Basically, I need a hero and a story.
Well, today's your lucky day.
Tram Man.
Saves women in expensive shoes from trams.
(Chuckles) Well, does Tram Man have an alter ego? I mean, every superhero has an alter ego.
No, I'm afraid not.
Tram Man works alone.
It's just the way it is.
Unless there's a spot of lunch on the go or maybe Father Ted's on.
(Sniggers) Through here.
Ooh.
Are we allowed in here? # Freja # Freja, Freja BOTH: # Freja, yeah! # Ah! Wow.
Oh! Thanks.
Thank you.
Well, that wasn't so horrible.
Oh.
Gee, thanks.
That's what the British press said when The Beatles released Love Me Do.
Hang on, one sec.
That's 20, remember? It's our new rate.
JEREMY: It's always been ten.
Last week we changed it to 20.
It's 'cause of the crazy Croatian twins.
It's 20.
(Hisses angrily) I want a new song every month.
And would it kill you to go electric? Ha-ha-ha! Oh! OK.
Everything OK? Yeah, he just wants me to be in a band with him.
He won't shut up about it.
(Chuckles) Let's go.
Good luck finding your dog.
Is the air conditioning broken? Shall we give this a miss? Absolutely not.
As an Irish Catholic, there'll be no aborting.
(Chuckles) So who shall we give the miracle of life to? Scientist.
Tennis player.
Rollerblader.
If you're not gonna take it serious I always said if I was gonna be born again, I'd come back as a rollerblader.
Yeah.
When was the last time you said, 'I wanna come back as a rollerblader'? Tuesday, lunchtime.
Anyway, hotshot, what are you gonna be born again into? Nothing.
Let's both be rollerbladers.
Get our skates on, get the hell out of here.
Are you sure this is the best way to search for Bowie? I mean, do these things go off road? We could be in a spacecraft right now and I wouldn't even notice.
We could be orbiting the Earth and I wouldn't even look out the window because all the most dazzling and most spectacular stars appear to be trapped in your eyes.
Are you for real? Did I really say all that? Mm-hmm.
It's so embarrassing.
I never usually open up and share feelings like that.
You don't.
No.
You're the first.
DRIVER: Bullshit, Linda! That is bull It's just an excuse! Look, I ask you to do one thing for me one time, and you're full of excu You're just a walking bloody excuse with a shithouse perm! Uh, excuse me, driver, we we're kinda into some DRIVER: Oh, shut up, you prat! If I have to listen to you waffling on about circling the Earth and twinkling stars anymore, I'll kill myself.
Then I'll kill the bloody horses so they don't have to listen to it anymore! Hey! First of all, sir, we are looking for his lost dog.
Second of all, if you plan to do this, it would be better to kill the horses and then yourself.
Y-your way does not make sense.
DRIVER: Whoa.
(Horse whinnies) Get out.
I hope your horses kill you and shit on your grave, you psycho! Ah! I'm sorry, but he was such a dick.
We should report him to the Horse and Carriage Commission.
Yeah, I don't think we have one of those.
Tony Abbott cut it.
Tell you what, though, it was pretty funny to imagine just how shithouse his missus' perm must be.
That felt like something he wanted to get off his chest for a really long time.
And we didn't even find Bowie.
Oh, look at you.
You're all worked up.
Here, turn around.
Oh.
Oh, that's no good.
You feel really, really tense.
Hmm.
Hey, you know what? I've got a crazy idea.
Ladies and gentlemen, Andre Gacke.
(Applause) Well, thank you.
Thank you, John.
Art, for me, has always been a selfish pursuit.
(Muffled heartbeats) Wow, they're really making us earn this.
Better not come out with those cone heads that babies have.
Ah, I think I see a light.
Much like the hot, violent gush Oh! (Recording of baby crying) Hi.
Oh, shit, I I left my bag and my coat in the womb.
I'll get it.
Back in a minute.
Have a quick sniff around, Joanne.
Funny gentleman.
OK, I admit, this is a first.
I've never done this on a date before.
Why not? Just 'cause we're not in Noosa doesn't mean we don't deserve it.
Oh, I love Noosa.
I thought you said you've never been to Queensland.
Uh, this country has so many silly names, I get confused.
Jeremy? Uh hi.
(Gasps) Jeremy! Hello? Jeremy! It's me, Minsuh.
Uh, I I got a working visa.
I no have to return home.
We can get marry now, just like you say, in your bed.
Ah Ah, Minsuh, yeah.
Ah.
Did you find your doggie? TERRY: Do you drink tea? Yeah.
I know a place does the best cup of tea in town.
Well, why not? It's our birthday, after all.
Hmm.
Not every newborn gets to go for tea on their birthday, do they? So, you never told me what you do for a living.
Actually I'm between jobs at the minute.
You know, just a bit like yourself, really.
I'm not between jobs.
Maybe you are, you just don't realise it.
Hey! Look at me.
(Gasps) Welcome to the dance floor.
Ian? Terry? Ian Macintosh? Terry Fitzpatrick! Mate! How are you? Long time no see.
Sorry, this is Joanne.
This is Oh! Hey You should cover your Oh, oh.
Yeah, just pop that in.
Sorry, let's get that tucked away.
Good to see you, mate.
I had heard that you'd fallen on tough times recently.
Yeah, no, no, that's No, I'm good.
If there's anything I can do to help out, anything, just let me know.
Thanks, Ian.
Good on you.
No, seriously.
Things going good with you? Yeah, good, good, yeah.
Thinking of opening a juice bar.
Nice.
Good idea.
Yeah.
We should keep going.
OK.
Good to see you.
Great to see you, Terry.
Good to see you, Ian.
Just And Joanne, nice to meet you.
(Mumbles) All the best.
I think Tram Man's been superseded by Flashman as your new romantic hero.
Oh, I'll write you in as his sidekick.
(Laughs) So you find women with a plane ticket out of here and you seduce them with the same song, the same horse and carriage ride and the same massage.
Oh, no, no, no.
The massage was a new idea.
Think it went quite well.
OK, the truth is this.
At this stage in my life, I'm only interested in one-night stands.
I'm not interested in the long haul.
Does that make me a bad guy? No, not at all.
In fact, there are some women who like one-night stands also.
Why do you think I left the pub with you? You're interested in one-night stands? It doesn't mean I'm a slut.
It just means I'm Swedish.
Ah, so you are all nymphomaniacs.
I just don't like being lied to.
I wasn't lying.
So you're a guy who carries a dog leash to hit on women.
That's a bit demented.
Considering there really is no dog.
I can prove to you that there's a Bowie.
So whose place is this? Shh! (Whispering) What? (Whispering) You'll wake her.
Who? My ex-girlfriend, Megan.
What? Don't worry.
She's a really heavy sleeper.
I'll just go get Bowie.
Best tea in town, yeah? You know what the best cup of tea is? Camomile? No.
Best cup of tea is cup of tea you have to leave.
Know when someone's (Speaks indistinctly) .
.
saying, 'Hurry up'? You just take that last drink and you go, 'Mm! Best of cup of tea ever.
' Just like everything, innit, in life? Once you know it's coming to an end, you cherish it all the more.
Fell in love with my wife first time she left me.
Did she divorce you? Uh No, my wife died.
I'm so sorry.
I shouldn't have said anything.
It's alright.
Been a while now.
It's six years ago.
She got cancer.
Anyway, moving on.
At least not flashing anyone.
Mm.
(Chuckles) And how are you? Mm I'm good.
I was with my last partner for seven years.
Got engaged, planned the wedding, booked the church, got cold feet and did a runner.
Did a runner on your wedding day? Mm.
Makes you a bit of a romantic villain.
Maybe.
Probably.
I still don't know if I did the right thing.
I don't know if I did it because I was feeling scared or if I did it 'cause I was feeling brave, I don't know.
I think it's brave.
You think? Very brave.
Think of all the toasters and kettles you missed out on.
I do think about that every day, all that toast.
Here you go.
Ordered a limo, I don't know where it's got to.
I'm not happy about it.
Uh, I'd really like to see you again.
Sincerely.
Um Here's my number.
Nice.
Classy.
Good to see you.
Cheers, all the best.
Bye.
And away we go.
Oh, you have to be joking.
What? Jeremy, that is Is Megan blind? What's that got to do with the price of tea in China? It has everything to do with the price of fucking tea in fucking China! Come on, let's just get out of here! No! Put him back! (Scoffs) That is a really arsehole thing to do.
She was the one that wouldn't let me say goodbye.
She broke it off when she said it wasn't going the way she wanted it to.
If you knew her, you wouldn't be acting like this.
You'd be like, 'Yeah, Jezza, steal that bitch's guide dog.
' No, I would not be like that ever.
MEGAN: Bowie! Hello? Is somebody here? Jeremy, is that you? Hey, Megan.
What are you doing here? Is there somebody else here? No.
Yes.
Hi, Megan.
I'm Cassie.
W-what's going on? I'm so sorry to disturb you.
We Jeremy just found a key in his jeans and wanted to return it.
Isn't that right, Jeremy? Yeah Yeah, and Freja here, it was her Irish Setter's fifth birthday.
So I thought it would be nice if we Shit! (Keys jingle) Oh thank you, Jeremy.
You could've probably posted it, but thank you.
See ya.
(Barking) Alright! I get it.
(Barking) (Mobile rings) You didn't waste any time.
WOMAN: Hello.
Is that Joanne? Oh, sorry.
I thought you were someone else.
WOMAN: Are you a rollerblader? Sorry? Who is this? GIRL: Hey, babe, where are you? Did that guy with the leash like the accent? Freja! GIRL: Did he pick it? Nope, he didn't pick it.
Not once.
Freja? Or is it Cassie? Who are you? You'll never know.
I can't feel my legs.
What? I I'll get the doctor.
No.
I can't feel my legs because I'm not touching my legs.
If I touch my legs, I can feel my legs.
(Sighs) What happened? (Sighs) I got mugged, didn't I? They got the lot, $2.
70.
If they have to pull the plug, I want you to be the one to do it, alright? I'll pull the plug now if you're not careful.
So any other requests? Yeah a kiss would be nice, wouldn't it? (Sighs) That's nice.
So I hear you're a rollerblader.
I am a rollerblader, yes.
Um, I'm training for the derby games as we speak.
I just got sponsorship from a laundromat just down the road.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Uh, my friend, Terry, has be been moved? No, he checked himself out.
He left this for you.
MAN: Excuse me, mate.
You got a smoke? Yeah.
Hey! How you doin'? Oh, fuck off! Welcome to the dance floor.
The dance floor.
TERRY: Dear Joanne, if you're reading this, I'm dead.
I'm joking.
As difficult as this is to tell you, I'm not the hero you think I am.
I'm a homeless man.
Well, I live in a shelter, and I have been for three years now.
I'm sorry for the fibs, but I have a proposal for you.
Next time I see you, I'll ask you to the fanciest restaurant in town, and we will eat and laugh and I will pay.
Maybe I'll be lucky enough to get one of those kisses again.
This time without a busted lip.
Until then, be careful in those high heels.
Tram Man.
(Groans) I'm never drinking again.
I'll just keep stirring, then.
TERRY: Keep an eye on that.
Oh! Gave me a fright.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Keep it moving is very important.
Oh, OK.
Yeah, very important to read the recipe before you start cooking.
Oh, no, this isn't the recipe.
This is a script.
Yeah, I'm not a cook.
I'm a waitress/actress.
Yeah.
I'm auditioning for a play.
Oh.
What's it called? It's called The Stockholm Syndrome.
Yeah.
Do you have to do it with a Swedish accent? Yes.
So, you work here, then? Oh, no.
No.
I've come for a job interview.
Seen the manager around? Uh, yeah, he's somewhere.
You seem very confident.
Hm.
I wish I was that confident with my audition.
Couple of days ago, I wasn't as confident.
Today today I could do anything, really.
Wow, what happened? I met a girl.
(Sighs) WOMAN: Hello, Matt.
It's Arjuna now.
I'll never call you that.
I so wanted to be David Bowie.
I so wanted to be Paula Abdul.
When was the last time you smoked a spliff? I'm sorry.
Maybe I'm wrong? Is it about government or repression or? No, you idiot, it's about farting on someone's head! You've inspired it! Oh! Matt, is this tantric? Yep, it's a variation! WOMAN: Arjuna! Captions by CSI Australia
Oh! Oh! Oh, bugger! (Low chatter) (Groans) (European accent) Are you OK? How can anything ever be OK again when your best friend abandons you? Oh, you've lost your dog? Bowie.
His name's Bowie.
Do you have a dog? You're not a cat person? Please don't be a cat person.
An Irish Setter.
His name is Francis.
He just turned five, while I was in Brazil, actually.
Yeah, we we Skyped.
Oh, that's very clever of him.
(Chuckles) So, um, your dog, Bowie, what's what's he like? Oh, you know, he's he's like a-average dog size, brownish.
Politically he's left leaning, musically he loves Katy Perry.
Really? Just loves it.
(Chuckles) (Tram bell dings) Oh Oh Got yourself in a spot of trouble there, love? Yeah, heel's stuck.
Yes, I can see that.
Yeah.
I was walking, texting.
Texting my boss 'cause I was running late.
(Speaks indistinctly) Um, could you please help me? I don't wanna die.
Yeah, fair enough.
Couldn't have a good-looking girl like yourself splattered all over the track.
Yeah.
No, no, she's she's jammed pretty tight there.
I think you'll have to lose your shoe.
Really? It's just that they're really nice shoes, that's all.
Yeah, we'll give them a really nice funeral if you want.
(Tram bell dings) Uh, please, hurry.
Hang on.
Hoo-hoo! That's close.
(Breathes heavily) Did you know that tram was gonna turn? Oh, yeah.
So what part of Sweden are you from? Is this what you do? You come to backpacker pubs and guess where people are from? Is this a backpacker pub? Well, yes, it is.
And, yes, I am from Sweden.
Aha! I've never been to Sweden, but I have been to IKEA, which is pretty much the same thing.
Oh, yes, yes, you're right.
We're also all blonde, tanned nymphomaniacs, you know? (Laughs) Well, you are blonde and you are tanned, so are you a nymphomaniac? Well, you're the one with the leash.
(Chuckles) Sorry about that.
It's OK.
More streamlined now.
Anyway, hope you have a better day than the one you're having.
All the best.
JOANNE: Um Would you like to go out to dinner with me? As a thankyou.
Uh, no, it's it's OK.
Look, we don't know each other.
Sorry.
I did save your life.
I do feel responsible for you.
Dinner? Come on, everybody does dinner.
Bit predictable, isn't it? Well, we could do breakfast.
I mean, um not the breakfast the morning after, um .
.
'cause sometimes I have breakfast for dinner.
I mean, I have cornflakes and Froot Loops 'cause I like to change it up a bit.
(Chuckles) No Do you like art exhibitions? If you say no, I will judge you.
Sydney for one month and now here.
But I should let you look for your dog and get back to my friend.
Uh, well, it looks like your friend has pretty much got her tongue all the way down Lionel Messi's throat.
So well.
(Chuckles) I've got an idea.
Does it involve the leash? (Chuckles) Come with me.
I really wanna find my dog.
But I wanna continue this.
Well, I should let you know I am I'm going home to Sweden tomorrow.
Well, let's not waste any more time.
Are you sure we won't get into trouble? I mean, it is invite only.
Don't need an invite.
You just need a name tag, that's all.
Hmm? Thank you.
Suits you.
Thank you.
God, that stank when I was kid.
Moved on from it now, though.
You? Oh, tough.
Kids used to call me (Speaks indistinctly) It was cruel.
Taught me to be stronger.
Right, where's the food in this joint? Oh, I think I saw some wine.
Has Bowie escaped before? No, this is really not like him at all.
Bowie! Bowie! Bowie! Bowie! Oh, hey.
# COUNTRY MUSIC RIFF Do that do that funky little tune.
Yeah.
# UPBEAT MUSIC Check it out.
# Oh, hey, Freja # You've come a long, long way-a, from Sweden over to Australia # And I want you to stay-a # Well, I just lost my canine # You were in the bar looking so divine # Now we're here, it's not a romance # The busker's here by coincidence and we're singing near a bridge Everything is ridgey-didge.
Ridgey-didge, that's like authentic Australian vernacular.
I'll tell you about that later.
Here we go.
Oh, Freja, please don't go away-a So, Joanne, what do you do for a living? What I do? What I do is pretty boring, to be honest.
I'm a graphic designer who spends most of her time mapping out pamphlets for banks or redesigning the Barbecue HQ website, which has been a dream of mine ever since I was a little girl.
Hmm.
I do like barbecues.
Hmm.
I'm one notch above the artist who designs patterns for toilet paper.
In fact, that artist has probably more creative freedom than I do.
Maybe I should've let that tram hit you.
(Chuckles) It's not forever, though.
I wanna write graphic novels.
Like comics? Sort of.
I mean, these are more like illustrative novels, more for adults.
I wanna create a smart, romantic graphic novel.
What, like a porno? Yes, Terry, I wanna draw pornos.
How is that working out? Uh, slowly.
I mean, I've got everything except for a protagonist and a narrative.
Basically, I need a hero and a story.
Well, today's your lucky day.
Tram Man.
Saves women in expensive shoes from trams.
(Chuckles) Well, does Tram Man have an alter ego? I mean, every superhero has an alter ego.
No, I'm afraid not.
Tram Man works alone.
It's just the way it is.
Unless there's a spot of lunch on the go or maybe Father Ted's on.
(Sniggers) Through here.
Ooh.
Are we allowed in here? # Freja # Freja, Freja BOTH: # Freja, yeah! # Ah! Wow.
Oh! Thanks.
Thank you.
Well, that wasn't so horrible.
Oh.
Gee, thanks.
That's what the British press said when The Beatles released Love Me Do.
Hang on, one sec.
That's 20, remember? It's our new rate.
JEREMY: It's always been ten.
Last week we changed it to 20.
It's 'cause of the crazy Croatian twins.
It's 20.
(Hisses angrily) I want a new song every month.
And would it kill you to go electric? Ha-ha-ha! Oh! OK.
Everything OK? Yeah, he just wants me to be in a band with him.
He won't shut up about it.
(Chuckles) Let's go.
Good luck finding your dog.
Is the air conditioning broken? Shall we give this a miss? Absolutely not.
As an Irish Catholic, there'll be no aborting.
(Chuckles) So who shall we give the miracle of life to? Scientist.
Tennis player.
Rollerblader.
If you're not gonna take it serious I always said if I was gonna be born again, I'd come back as a rollerblader.
Yeah.
When was the last time you said, 'I wanna come back as a rollerblader'? Tuesday, lunchtime.
Anyway, hotshot, what are you gonna be born again into? Nothing.
Let's both be rollerbladers.
Get our skates on, get the hell out of here.
Are you sure this is the best way to search for Bowie? I mean, do these things go off road? We could be in a spacecraft right now and I wouldn't even notice.
We could be orbiting the Earth and I wouldn't even look out the window because all the most dazzling and most spectacular stars appear to be trapped in your eyes.
Are you for real? Did I really say all that? Mm-hmm.
It's so embarrassing.
I never usually open up and share feelings like that.
You don't.
No.
You're the first.
DRIVER: Bullshit, Linda! That is bull It's just an excuse! Look, I ask you to do one thing for me one time, and you're full of excu You're just a walking bloody excuse with a shithouse perm! Uh, excuse me, driver, we we're kinda into some DRIVER: Oh, shut up, you prat! If I have to listen to you waffling on about circling the Earth and twinkling stars anymore, I'll kill myself.
Then I'll kill the bloody horses so they don't have to listen to it anymore! Hey! First of all, sir, we are looking for his lost dog.
Second of all, if you plan to do this, it would be better to kill the horses and then yourself.
Y-your way does not make sense.
DRIVER: Whoa.
(Horse whinnies) Get out.
I hope your horses kill you and shit on your grave, you psycho! Ah! I'm sorry, but he was such a dick.
We should report him to the Horse and Carriage Commission.
Yeah, I don't think we have one of those.
Tony Abbott cut it.
Tell you what, though, it was pretty funny to imagine just how shithouse his missus' perm must be.
That felt like something he wanted to get off his chest for a really long time.
And we didn't even find Bowie.
Oh, look at you.
You're all worked up.
Here, turn around.
Oh.
Oh, that's no good.
You feel really, really tense.
Hmm.
Hey, you know what? I've got a crazy idea.
Ladies and gentlemen, Andre Gacke.
(Applause) Well, thank you.
Thank you, John.
Art, for me, has always been a selfish pursuit.
(Muffled heartbeats) Wow, they're really making us earn this.
Better not come out with those cone heads that babies have.
Ah, I think I see a light.
Much like the hot, violent gush Oh! (Recording of baby crying) Hi.
Oh, shit, I I left my bag and my coat in the womb.
I'll get it.
Back in a minute.
Have a quick sniff around, Joanne.
Funny gentleman.
OK, I admit, this is a first.
I've never done this on a date before.
Why not? Just 'cause we're not in Noosa doesn't mean we don't deserve it.
Oh, I love Noosa.
I thought you said you've never been to Queensland.
Uh, this country has so many silly names, I get confused.
Jeremy? Uh hi.
(Gasps) Jeremy! Hello? Jeremy! It's me, Minsuh.
Uh, I I got a working visa.
I no have to return home.
We can get marry now, just like you say, in your bed.
Ah Ah, Minsuh, yeah.
Ah.
Did you find your doggie? TERRY: Do you drink tea? Yeah.
I know a place does the best cup of tea in town.
Well, why not? It's our birthday, after all.
Hmm.
Not every newborn gets to go for tea on their birthday, do they? So, you never told me what you do for a living.
Actually I'm between jobs at the minute.
You know, just a bit like yourself, really.
I'm not between jobs.
Maybe you are, you just don't realise it.
Hey! Look at me.
(Gasps) Welcome to the dance floor.
Ian? Terry? Ian Macintosh? Terry Fitzpatrick! Mate! How are you? Long time no see.
Sorry, this is Joanne.
This is Oh! Hey You should cover your Oh, oh.
Yeah, just pop that in.
Sorry, let's get that tucked away.
Good to see you, mate.
I had heard that you'd fallen on tough times recently.
Yeah, no, no, that's No, I'm good.
If there's anything I can do to help out, anything, just let me know.
Thanks, Ian.
Good on you.
No, seriously.
Things going good with you? Yeah, good, good, yeah.
Thinking of opening a juice bar.
Nice.
Good idea.
Yeah.
We should keep going.
OK.
Good to see you.
Great to see you, Terry.
Good to see you, Ian.
Just And Joanne, nice to meet you.
(Mumbles) All the best.
I think Tram Man's been superseded by Flashman as your new romantic hero.
Oh, I'll write you in as his sidekick.
(Laughs) So you find women with a plane ticket out of here and you seduce them with the same song, the same horse and carriage ride and the same massage.
Oh, no, no, no.
The massage was a new idea.
Think it went quite well.
OK, the truth is this.
At this stage in my life, I'm only interested in one-night stands.
I'm not interested in the long haul.
Does that make me a bad guy? No, not at all.
In fact, there are some women who like one-night stands also.
Why do you think I left the pub with you? You're interested in one-night stands? It doesn't mean I'm a slut.
It just means I'm Swedish.
Ah, so you are all nymphomaniacs.
I just don't like being lied to.
I wasn't lying.
So you're a guy who carries a dog leash to hit on women.
That's a bit demented.
Considering there really is no dog.
I can prove to you that there's a Bowie.
So whose place is this? Shh! (Whispering) What? (Whispering) You'll wake her.
Who? My ex-girlfriend, Megan.
What? Don't worry.
She's a really heavy sleeper.
I'll just go get Bowie.
Best tea in town, yeah? You know what the best cup of tea is? Camomile? No.
Best cup of tea is cup of tea you have to leave.
Know when someone's (Speaks indistinctly) .
.
saying, 'Hurry up'? You just take that last drink and you go, 'Mm! Best of cup of tea ever.
' Just like everything, innit, in life? Once you know it's coming to an end, you cherish it all the more.
Fell in love with my wife first time she left me.
Did she divorce you? Uh No, my wife died.
I'm so sorry.
I shouldn't have said anything.
It's alright.
Been a while now.
It's six years ago.
She got cancer.
Anyway, moving on.
At least not flashing anyone.
Mm.
(Chuckles) And how are you? Mm I'm good.
I was with my last partner for seven years.
Got engaged, planned the wedding, booked the church, got cold feet and did a runner.
Did a runner on your wedding day? Mm.
Makes you a bit of a romantic villain.
Maybe.
Probably.
I still don't know if I did the right thing.
I don't know if I did it because I was feeling scared or if I did it 'cause I was feeling brave, I don't know.
I think it's brave.
You think? Very brave.
Think of all the toasters and kettles you missed out on.
I do think about that every day, all that toast.
Here you go.
Ordered a limo, I don't know where it's got to.
I'm not happy about it.
Uh, I'd really like to see you again.
Sincerely.
Um Here's my number.
Nice.
Classy.
Good to see you.
Cheers, all the best.
Bye.
And away we go.
Oh, you have to be joking.
What? Jeremy, that is Is Megan blind? What's that got to do with the price of tea in China? It has everything to do with the price of fucking tea in fucking China! Come on, let's just get out of here! No! Put him back! (Scoffs) That is a really arsehole thing to do.
She was the one that wouldn't let me say goodbye.
She broke it off when she said it wasn't going the way she wanted it to.
If you knew her, you wouldn't be acting like this.
You'd be like, 'Yeah, Jezza, steal that bitch's guide dog.
' No, I would not be like that ever.
MEGAN: Bowie! Hello? Is somebody here? Jeremy, is that you? Hey, Megan.
What are you doing here? Is there somebody else here? No.
Yes.
Hi, Megan.
I'm Cassie.
W-what's going on? I'm so sorry to disturb you.
We Jeremy just found a key in his jeans and wanted to return it.
Isn't that right, Jeremy? Yeah Yeah, and Freja here, it was her Irish Setter's fifth birthday.
So I thought it would be nice if we Shit! (Keys jingle) Oh thank you, Jeremy.
You could've probably posted it, but thank you.
See ya.
(Barking) Alright! I get it.
(Barking) (Mobile rings) You didn't waste any time.
WOMAN: Hello.
Is that Joanne? Oh, sorry.
I thought you were someone else.
WOMAN: Are you a rollerblader? Sorry? Who is this? GIRL: Hey, babe, where are you? Did that guy with the leash like the accent? Freja! GIRL: Did he pick it? Nope, he didn't pick it.
Not once.
Freja? Or is it Cassie? Who are you? You'll never know.
I can't feel my legs.
What? I I'll get the doctor.
No.
I can't feel my legs because I'm not touching my legs.
If I touch my legs, I can feel my legs.
(Sighs) What happened? (Sighs) I got mugged, didn't I? They got the lot, $2.
70.
If they have to pull the plug, I want you to be the one to do it, alright? I'll pull the plug now if you're not careful.
So any other requests? Yeah a kiss would be nice, wouldn't it? (Sighs) That's nice.
So I hear you're a rollerblader.
I am a rollerblader, yes.
Um, I'm training for the derby games as we speak.
I just got sponsorship from a laundromat just down the road.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Uh, my friend, Terry, has be been moved? No, he checked himself out.
He left this for you.
MAN: Excuse me, mate.
You got a smoke? Yeah.
Hey! How you doin'? Oh, fuck off! Welcome to the dance floor.
The dance floor.
TERRY: Dear Joanne, if you're reading this, I'm dead.
I'm joking.
As difficult as this is to tell you, I'm not the hero you think I am.
I'm a homeless man.
Well, I live in a shelter, and I have been for three years now.
I'm sorry for the fibs, but I have a proposal for you.
Next time I see you, I'll ask you to the fanciest restaurant in town, and we will eat and laugh and I will pay.
Maybe I'll be lucky enough to get one of those kisses again.
This time without a busted lip.
Until then, be careful in those high heels.
Tram Man.
(Groans) I'm never drinking again.
I'll just keep stirring, then.
TERRY: Keep an eye on that.
Oh! Gave me a fright.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Keep it moving is very important.
Oh, OK.
Yeah, very important to read the recipe before you start cooking.
Oh, no, this isn't the recipe.
This is a script.
Yeah, I'm not a cook.
I'm a waitress/actress.
Yeah.
I'm auditioning for a play.
Oh.
What's it called? It's called The Stockholm Syndrome.
Yeah.
Do you have to do it with a Swedish accent? Yes.
So, you work here, then? Oh, no.
No.
I've come for a job interview.
Seen the manager around? Uh, yeah, he's somewhere.
You seem very confident.
Hm.
I wish I was that confident with my audition.
Couple of days ago, I wasn't as confident.
Today today I could do anything, really.
Wow, what happened? I met a girl.
(Sighs) WOMAN: Hello, Matt.
It's Arjuna now.
I'll never call you that.
I so wanted to be David Bowie.
I so wanted to be Paula Abdul.
When was the last time you smoked a spliff? I'm sorry.
Maybe I'm wrong? Is it about government or repression or? No, you idiot, it's about farting on someone's head! You've inspired it! Oh! Matt, is this tantric? Yep, it's a variation! WOMAN: Arjuna! Captions by CSI Australia