It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s02e06 Episode Script

Aw, come on! This isn't fair.
You accidentally burn down a building, and you get 120 hours of community service? - Now this says that I gotta work with kids.
- Yeah, me too.
- I don't like kids.
I don't wanna work with 'em.
- I don't have time for this.
- Yeah, I have 248 hours of, uh - Interstate.
Inter Interstate.
- Sanitation.
Jesus Christ! - What is that What is that? - That's the guys with the orange vests who pick up trash.
- Orange vests.
- Oh, my God! And then what is this about the A.
A? - Alcoholics Anonymous.
- For - Oh, my God.
- Six months.
- That is so unfair! What do you expect? Why would you tell the judge you were drunk? - 'Cause I was drunk.
- But why would you say that? - I thought that would get me off the hook.
- That was dumb, wasn't it? I would rather pay a huge fine than have to give back to the community.
- Holy shit! Look at this bill! - What? - Those mimosas were like eight bucks a pop, Charlie.
- Are you serious? - Well, you had like seven of'em.
- Uh-oh.
- Bro, I'm not paying for your mimosas.
- No way! - I didn't even bring enough money for those.
- I don't have enough money.
You don't have any money? What are you Are you serious? Ah! Ah! Good.
Good.
Good.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
I know what it is.
We can't go back.
I fold.
Deal me out.
Hey.
Hey, gang, what's the action? - What's going on here? - Asians love gambling.
- You know these guys? - Yeah.
From 'Nam.
- You were in Vietnam? - Don't get excited, Mac, all right? He was in Vietnam 10 years ago on a business trip.
- Beautiful country.
- Dad, please get these guys out of here.
- They're really weird and scary looking.
- Yeah.
Hey, I own half this bar too.
You can't just come in here and start running our lives.
It's not fair.
- Wanna bet? - What? - Would you like to bet on it? - On what? - Whether or not it's fair? - Sure.
Bet on whatever.
You know what? This is exactly why I don't wanna work with him.
You know what I mean? - Yes.
- Because you start doing crazy shit like this all the time and making crazy bets about absolutely nothing at all, Dad.
If you don't go, me and Mac and Charlie, we're gonna sell our portion of the bar.
- No, we're not.
- No, that's not happening.
- Just back me up on this.
- No, I can't really back you up.
Why can't you just back me up on this? You guys Screw this.
I'm out of here.
That just blew my mind.
That was incredible.
So today's speaker is David for those of you who are new to the program.
I know a number of you have heard David's story before.
But a few of you haven't.
I'm sure you'll find David's story has a lot of relevance to your situation.
Uh, anyway, I'm gonna go ahead and We have a late arrival here.
Hi.
Do you want to introduce yourself? - Me? - Mm-hmm.
Oh.
I'm Charlie.
Hi, Charlie.
- Here.
Have a seat down front.
- Oh.
No.
Okay.
I knew this would happen.
I'm not an alcoholic actually.
Yeah, I'm only here 'cause I got a little drunk and I threw a flaming bag of feces into a building and I burnt it down a little bit.
You know? But I wasn't trying to burn it down.
I was trying to make the place smell real bad and get rid of this guy.
So This guy knows what I'm talking about.
Look, uh, Charlie, the first step to recovery is simply admitting that you have a problem.
I'm not an alcoholic, so it's cool.
He was drinking a beer when he came in.
Oh, my Dude! Oh, dude, how are you gonna Really? I thought you were cool, man, like I'm not gonna sell my piece of the bar.
You're being such a dick about this.
What do you want me to do, get another job? Well, try to think where I'm coming from in all this.
I'm coming from a selfish place? - Just shut your mouth.
- Can I help you? We are here as part of our community service.
- Always a bunch of clowns.
- Excuse me? All right.
We need volunteers for our Sunday basketball league.
You're gonna be coaching the teams.
I got two positions left, so I'm gonna have to put two of you together.
Great.
Dennis and I will coach a team.
I think I'd rather split you two up.
Charlie.
Hi.
Hey.
Wow.
I didn't know you were in A.
A.
- Yeah.
- Where were you sitting? I, um, kind of slumped down in my seat when I heard your name so you wouldn't see me.
Right.
Listen.
I didn't realize you were an alcoholic.
It actually explains a lot of your past behavior.
Check this out.
I'm not an alcoholic.
- See, I have to be here 'cause the court - Okay.
- I threw this flaming bag of feces - Okay, okay, okay.
You don't have to give me explanations.
I understand.
I've maybe been a little too judgmental of you.
I mean, I know what it feels like to have alcohol run your life.
- Doesn't run my life.
- And I I want to maybe help you.
Are you saying you want to go out on a date with me? - No.
No, Charlie.
- No? I don't I never want to go out on a date with you.
- Great.
- What I'm saying is maybe I could be your sponsor.
- Oh! - But you can't ever hit on me.
- No.
- Because that's never gonna happen.
- Yeah, I heard.
You said that.
- Okay.
- So, sponsor.
That's cool, yeah.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Well, I wrote down my phone number.
- Wow.
Please.
Please, Charlie.
Please don't make me regret giving this to you.
No, absolute Absolutely not.
No, this'll be a platonic sponsor-sponsoree kind of a thing.
Great.
Oh.
No shit! I was so close.
All right, kids, kids.
Uh, why don't you line up on this free throw line over here.
All righty.
Uh, you you, you, you and you come over here.
All right.
Now the rest of you kids can go with those two losers right there.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell's goin'on over here? - Pickin' my team.
- No.
No, y-you can't you can't take all - I can't pick the - You can't pick all - What should I not pick? - You know exactly what you've done, sir.
- Okay, everybody back.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's my team! - No, we're startin' over.
- All right.
Fine.
But I pick first.
- Fine.
- You.
- You.
- Uh, you.
- You.
- You.
Hey! Ho! What's goin'on over here? - Pickin' teams.
- The teams are already picked.
You two have the Ducks, and you have the Wildcats.
Ducks.
Are you kidding me? Are You guys are the Wildcats? Jesus Chri Is anyone absent? Anyone tall? What are those, flip-flops? Jesus, kid.
Did you not wear shoes? You don't know? Did anyone else not bring shoes? All right, kids.
Everybody take a knee.
Go ahead and kneel.
Apparently there is some confusion as to who is the head coach here.
Yeah, it could be a guy who's never participated in any kind of sporting event ever.
Yeah, or it could be a girl.
That's enough said, right? Mac and I are gonna play a quick game to 21.
And the winner will be head coach.
You guys might want to pay attention 'cause you could probably learn a thing or two from watching us.
Absolutely.
Try to remember what she does wrong.
That's the first thing.
Terrible.
Take a lap.
God awful.
Get goin'.
Oh, that's a great shot, Chris.
Come here.
You're gonna be the saving grace of this team.
Everybody try to be a little bit more like Chris.
- What the hell is that? - I don't know.
- It's diet.
- Oh.
Do I look like I need to be on a diet? I don't know.
Terrible.
Take a lap.
This one? Gonna get it this time? See, kids, that's 18-0.
Fundamentals don't mean shit if you got no strength.
- My knee hurts.
- We're almost done.
Oh, God.
You son of a bitch.
So this is your place? Wow! You know, it actually looks a lot like my apartment.
- Don't sit on my bed.
- No.
No.
Wasn't gonna.
That's a good bed though.
That's a beautiful bed.
Nice and soft.
Charlie, are you here to try to have sex with me? I can't believe you could ask me a question like that in my time of need.
I'm sorry.
That's okay.
We We got a history, and you're suspicious.
I get that.
We got a crazy history, you and me.
Oh, well.
You know, maybe I'll just maybe I'll just get a little comfortable and I won't talk, and you can just kinda - Just watch your feet on the - tell me about - I'll take my shoes off.
- No.
Just don't take your shoes off.
I'm really more comfortable if I take my shoes off.
- Charlie.
- So tell me about you.
What kind of music are you into? What's your favorite color? You ever You ever owned a dog? Do you want a dog? This thing is cozy.
Just ice it and it will go down.
- I know what you do to it! - Hey, what's the action? Oh, Jesus Christ! Are you gonna keep saying that? Is that your catch phrase now? - Dad, can you please get me some ice? - What happened to your eye? Well, Mac plays basketball with his elbows.
That's what happened.
Youse were all playin' basketball? Yeah.
It's a part of our community service.
Gotta coach kids.
It's part of our, uh, sentence.
Like two teams playin' against each other? Yeah, that's generally how basketball is played.
Basketball, huh? Here.
And go! Very nice.
Lot of tight footwork.
That's it.
Very good.
Chris, doin' really good.
You got some good moves.
Dad, what the hell are you doing here? Oh, well, I just came because you were late.
I volunteered.
- Hey, do some ball work.
- Why are you doing this to me? I figured maybe you and I could do a little father-son bonding.
- I don't wanna bond with you.
Go back to bonding with Charlie.
- Charlie's with a girl.
- What girl? - You know, the waitress girl.
- The waitress hates Charlie.
- How do you know that? Because he's obsessed with her and won't leave her alone.
Quite frankly, I don't see what all the fuss is about.
I banged her.
I don't get it.
Dennis, you shouldn't be sleeping with your friends' girlfriends.
What, are you handing down life lessons? Get the hell outta here! Get off my court! - What? Your court? - Yeah.
- Wanna shoot for it? Free throws? - Shoot for what? Throw me the ball.
All right.
Well, best out of three gets to be the coach.
- Dad, you don't wanna shoot me for it, because you'll lose.
- You wanna bet? Okay, kids, keys to the game.
Elbows.
Knees.
Say it with me once.
Ready? Elbows.
Knees.
Excellent.
Excellent work.
Now you're gonna want to utilize both of those over the course of the season, okay? Because the referees in this league aren't gonna call 'em.
But they might, which is why you have to be very careful.
Fouls can lose a game for even the most dominant of teams.
Yeah, kids, could you excuse the assistant coach and I for a second? We'll be back.
Don't you ever contradict me in front of my team like that.
These kids need to know who their coach is.
Well, I can see how they might be confused.
Are those combat boots? Don't get all high-and-mighty because you got a pantsuit.
You look like Big Bird! I got the season schedule right here.
- Get back! I can handle this.
- I have to see.
- What's up? - Why are you here? - I'm coaching Dennis's team.
- Not coaching my team.
- You lost fair and square.
- Don't give a shit.
Oh, it is on! We play you guys first! - We are gonna school your sorry-ass team! - Wanna make it interesting? Dad, you don't wanna do that.
Our kids are terrible.
- That's what a bad coach would say.
- A hundred bucks says we win.
- You're on.
I'm gonna coach the shit out of this team.
- Well, assistant coach.
- Let's make it 200.
- How about five, bitch? - What are you doing? - You scared? You wanna quit? You can back out.
'Cause I can coach this team better than you or Dennis or Dad or any other goddamn man any day of the week.
Whoo! Whoo! That's it! Gambling! Oh, I can't tell you how great I'm feeling.
I haven't been this healthy in, like, a crazy long time.
It's having amazing effects on my body.
- That's probably the best thing about it.
- Yeah.
Wow.
So you can probably stop coming over here all the time then, huh? Uh, well, I don't know.
I just don't know if that's safe.
- Yeah, I think it's safe.
- Maybe if you think it's safe, I'll consider it.
But whoo Hey, um, how's your friend Dennis? - Hmm? - I haven't seen him around much lately.
What What's he up to? He's, like, working at some stupid youth center thing.
- He works with kids? - Yeah.
But he has to.
That's why.
Oh, my God.
That is so sweet.
Do you think maybe we could go down and see him? Why don't we roll down there today? You know, you and me.
Celebrate the three days sober.
Great.
I'll get changed.
Great.
So get out.
Actually I probably need to take a shower, 'cause I'm crazy sweaty from those.
Charlie.
I'm an alcoholic trying to get better and I'm getting kicked out on the street.
All right.
Jesus.
You can start.
These are wristbands and these are safety pins.
I want everybody to insert their safety pin into their wristband sharp side out.
All right, if you come down right on the top part and smash down with all your weight you'll break the kid's foot in three places.
What if I get hurt? That's a good question.
Now as long as you hurt the other kid as bad or worse than he hurts you you'll have done your job, and I'll be proud of you.
Look how good he is with those kids.
You like that, huh? Tell you what.
I'll be right back.
Okay, here we go.
Lay it up.
Shoot it up.
Let's see.
Whoo.
Very nice.
Okay, everybody take five.
Chris, come on over here a minute.
I'm gonna talk to you.
Let's see.
Go on over there.
You go You guys go.
Now listen.
Clearly, you're the best player on the team.
All right? Now I wanna give you a couple lessons that maybe Coach Dennis hasn't covered with you.
Lesson number one: Winnin' ain't everything.
Lesson two: Do you own a bike? Hey.
- Dennis, hey.
- Hey.
I haven't seen you in a while.
You haven't come by the coffee shop.
Uh, yeah.
Um, so I know that it was kind of it got weird after the - Right.
- When we Um, anyway I thought maybe we could spend some time together again.
Um, haven't you been spending a lot of time with Charlie lately? I'm helping him get sober.
Right.
Well, good.
That's a good thing.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- So I don't want to get in the middle of that.
- Oh.
So we shouldn't talk at all while that's going on.
Oh.
Good.
All right.
I'll see you.
Wha You will see me.
- I'll see you.
- Yep, yep, yep, yep.
- Charlie, this isn't working out.
- Huh? I don't wanna be your sponsor anymore.
It's starting to get in the way of my personal life.
What are you talkin' about? I only offered to be your sponsor so I could get closer to your friend Dennis.
- What? Dennis? - Yeah.
Come on! That guy, he's like one of those cheesy Oh, he's so phony.
No.
You know what? We can't do this action.
You gotta 'Cause what if I start drinking again? That's a risk I'm willing to take.
I hope you guys are ready for the pain.
Oh, we'll be bringing a little pain of our own.
- You guys are goin' down.
- We'll see.
- All right, kids, how are you feelin'? - Good.
Good? Doesn't sound good.
Are you drinking the Red Bull? - Come on.
Chug 'em down.
- I feel sick.
That's the vitamins ripping out the inside of your stomach.
That's a good thing.
Trust me.
Flop, come here for a second.
All right.
These are for you.
And there's a steel toe in there.
Don't be afraid to use it.
- Thanks, Dad.
- I'm not your dad.
All right.
Let's get this show on the road.
All right, Team Wildcats! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! All right, boys.
Now listen up.
This week Where's Chris? - Uh, I don't know.
- You don't know? You guys know where Chris is? - No.
- Ah, it's no big deal.
We don't need him.
It is a big deal.
We can't play without Chris.
I got 500 bucks on this game.
- Are you crazy? - Well, let's - I gotta find him.
We can't play without him.
- No.
You can't go.
- He lives a block away.
I'll be right back.
- Dennis, where - I'll be right back.
- Let's go.
Get ready.
Put your shoes on.
Hey, Chris, you in there? Chris, come on, buddy.
Let's go.
Hey.
What the hell are you doing? The game's about to start.
- I got a new bike.
- So ride your bike after the game.
- I'm not supposed to play.
- What do you mean, you're not supposed to play? You know what? I don't have to talk to you, shithead! You bought Chris a new bike to throw the game.
The bet's off.
- Whoa! - You can't call the bet off.
- Dad's up to something.
- I'm not up to nothing.
- Excuse me.
Hey, Dennis.
- Yeah? Hey, um, just I want Just good luck out there.
Okay, yeah.
What are you talking about? - I just wanted to say good luck.
- All right.
Great.
Thanks.
Um, why don't you have a seat on the bleachers? I'm in the middle of something.
No way.
I'm not sitting up there.
It's way too smoky.
You cheating piece of shit.
Oh, let's go! Let's Let's play some basketball, all right? - Charlie, what are you doing? - I volunteered.
- Let's play some ball.
- Oh, my God.
You know what, man? You gotta call this game off.
Oh, you're dead to me.
There's a dead man speaking to me right here.
- Great.
You're drunk.
- I'm dead to you? Yeah, I am drunk.
You know why? - I don't have a sponsor anymore! - Whatever, Charlie.
- Let's play basketball! - You gotta call this game off, Charlie! - Let's have the teams! Let's play ball! - Let's play.
You're not gonna get away with this, Dad.
I haven't got a clue what you're talking about.
Get him with the elbow! What the hell are you doing? Hey, hey.
Right? All right, Charlie, that's it! You call this game! This game is over! - You got a problem? Button that lip! - Don't tell me to button my lip! - Is that a threat? - Yeah, that's a threat! - You're outta here! - Charlie, what are you doing? - I call 'em like I see 'em.
- Come on, man.
Calm down.
- You're outta here! - Oh, my God! - Yes! I'm head coach! - This is your fault, Dad! - Why is it my fault? - Because you fixed the game! - You fixed the game? - What are you talking about? - Yes, he fixed the game! - What are you talking about? How do you do something like that? Do you see what you've done? Get out ofhere! You're in the showers!