Kevin Can F*** Himself (2021) s02e06 Episode Script

You need to get Gertrude's
death certificate from City Hall,
- and you need to do it fast.
- I found it. Ha!
You know, I've actually
been in the newspaper before.
You caused a city-wide power outage.
You have to take responsibility
for something, Kevin.
It's the security footage
from Vermont, right?
I'm just gonna say it.
Do you want to move in with me?
- You won't live here anymore.
- Neither will you.
I do want to help you.
Oh. Oh.
That's enough!
Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Dad, no one should see this paper!
It's a disgrace and no
one should ever read it!
That's not the only copy, son!
Gah!
It would have been symbolic!
What'd they do to you?
They minted someone else
as the town's biggest local celebrity.
"The New Worcester Wild Dude." Oof.
And they say that he's cuter than me!
Well, that's not your fault, son.
He's a horse.
Not even a miniature, Dad!
He's a regular,
big-boy-sized racehorse.
His name is "Straw Man's Argument".
Ha-ha! That's pretty cute.
Dad, I've seen your girlfriend.
Your cute barometer ain't workin'.
And good morning to you, Kevin.
Oh, hey!
And this article was written
by that hack of a reporter
who did that hit job
of an interview of me.
That's it. This will not stand.
Reporter Kelly McDunnaugh
has got to be stopped.
What are you gonna do?
Justice, Dad.
Simple justice.
Whoa!
Other shoe!
I have got to be to work
by 8:55 this morning.
Alexa, what time is it?
- It's 8:55 A.M.
- Gah!
Since when do you care about being late?
Mr. Harrison said that
if I keep showing up late,
we're gonna have to discuss
"my future at the company."
Ah. I hate discussions.
That's why I never
gave you the sex talk.
Just one condom and a
heartfelt "good luck."
I have got to find a way
to get to work faster.
Alexa, set Kevin's work
alarm for six minutes earlier.
Now set for 10:54 A.M.
You have your work alarm set for 11:00?
Do I look like a man
who lives by a clock?
Listen, what I need is your
help to up my efficiency.
You see, there's this one
intersection on the way to work
with this stop sign that
I've decided is my nemesis.
We've just gotta find a shortcut.
- Aren't you late?
- Oh, God, yes!
Breakfast.
So, where does Chuck think you are?
Uh, that would require
Chuck thinking about me.
Oh. Right.
So, this is where you stayed
before you moved back in?
Yep.
My big three-day rebellion.
Though I guess you sort of count.
Yeah you can use me
to rebel all you want.
Hey, what are you doin' Friday night?
Workin'.
Wanna hit up the Seas after?
I get free popcorn.
I'm a regular.
Everyone gets free popcorn, sweets.
And I think you and me are more of a
just-in-this-room sorta thing.
Oh yeah! Yeah, sure.
No, I Like I said, I like the room.
Well, I should get going.
Yeah.
Me, too.
I don't know. I'm not really sure yet.
So, you're still mulling
how you're going to
To fake your own death.
I was thinking maybe
I would make it look
like a a hiking accident.
Or maybe drive Kevin's car off a bridge.
"Maybe drive Kevin's car off a bridge"?!
Okay, like I said, I haven't
figured it out yet.
And you're okay with all this?
The other night, the blackout?
Oh.
That was, uh
That was a weird moment. I Sorry.
No, you don't have to be sorry.
So, what else is next? Uh, ID?
Uh, well, the death certificate
got me Gertrude's Social,
and with that, I was able
to get her birth certificate,
and Billy made me all
this fake mail, so I can
I can go to the RMV whenever.
But you haven't.
Are you dying to go to the RMV?
- Allie, you're stalling.
- I'm not!
I have a lot of things I need to do.
I need ID, I need to figure out money
That's not a real problem, you
could always find more money.
Okay, just don't Don't
say things like that.
I just
I thought you were in trouble,
that you had to leave, that
you were desperate and
Well, I am! I am,
but I want to actually
think about things
before I just go ahead and dive into
Hi.
- Whoa.
- I know.
What happened?
Uh, I got into a car accident with Sam.
I could've sworn that
there was a stop sign, at
At Primrose and Vine.
Well, that's like two miles away.
Did you walk here?!
Yeah, but I-I went by the reservoir,
so it was actually kinda nice.
Where's Sam? Why did he let you do that?
Oh, no, he's fine. He's fine.
I just had to leave
before the EMTs got there.
They'd take me to the hospital
and then Jenn and Kevin wd
have all these questions, so
You don't know that they would
have taken you to the hospital.
I do. I do.
Uh
My My shoulder popped out.
I just feel like I don't
know how to have any fun.
Do you know how to have fun?
Uh, fun is for people
with disposable income.
Yeah, and I don't
have disposable income?
That's never stopped him.
That is actually the one
The one thing that I kinda
maybe admire about him.
Okay.
Maybe you stop drinking now.
I mean, I've never gambled,
I've never been in a fight.
Well, I got poker chips,
and I punch real good.
Ask Neil. Let's go.
I just can't die without having any fun,
and it I could I could.
I had a near-death experience today.
My shoulder popped out.
Feel it.
Gross. No way.
If you're gonna be the one
to pop it back in, you have to
No! Gross.
Okay, just Hey.
Let's follow the instructions.
Mm.
This says Alright.
You gotta hold the
wrist of the injured arm,
then I gotta pull
straight and forward
Okay, okay! But you have to
You have to go fast.
Well, then, no.
No. I'm not ready.
Alright.
- Let me know when you're ready.
- Okay.
I thought you were movin'.
I am.
Well, why aren't you packed?
Well
So what? I'm moving soon.
Who likes to pack?
I do.
I love organizing.
I have this
There.
That was kinda fun.
- Does it feel better?
- No!
No, it still hurts, but it's different.
Hey.
What are you gonna tell
Kevin when he notices
you're waiting on him hand and foot
with one less hand?
Maybe now is the opportunity
to finally have some fun.
Fuck you.
I woke up.
Another win.
Depends on who you ask.
Dad, is your butt crunching?
This couch is covered in crumbs.
Now that you mention it,
the house is starting to look
a lot like that old condom in my wallet.
Defective?
Rough around the edges.
Hey, uh, Allison, the
house is starting to look
a little disgusting.
When are you gonna clean next?
Well, I am on strike
from house cleaning,
because I clean all
day long at the diner,
and I don't want to
do it when I get home,
so I am on strike.
I'm just taking a page
out of your book, Kev.
You always said that
after work is "me" time.
Can you even go on strike?
You're not in a union.
If only.
Sam at the diner's really
working her to the bone.
She's so distracted, she's
forgetting about her work here,
which I know she secretly enjoys.
That's it, I gotta take
care of this right now.
Ooh! A full chip.
Ah! Lucky.
You, uh You slept well.
Yeah. Finally.
First real pain meds
I've had in eight years.
It's just Tylenol with Codeine.
Must've knocked you
out pretty good to sleep
through what went on here last hour.
You have a bunch of
bikers over or something?
No.
No, just Allison's husband.
But he's loud all on his own.
Kevin?
Kevin was here?
Mm-hmm.
Why?
He says that you are
working Allison too hard.
Seems to think that you're
keeping the diner open
to avoid your disastrous home life.
Okay, I did not say
anything about what
He came by the diner last
week and he saw me sleeping
He also said that since
Allison started at the diner,
she's been working until
midnight at least once a week.
The diner isn't open until midnight.
Now, I was under the
impression that you were at
AA meetings those nights,
and, uh And I told him that,
and that I saw Allison once there, too.
- Jenn
- And I really want to believe it,
that you two were just
You were going to AA meetings together.
I don't think Kevin bought it.
And if he can't
We should talk.
Do we have to?
Yeah.
We do.
Does she hate me?
Right now, she does.
I'm right there with you.
God, I'm sorry.
Do you think I should
call her and apologize?
No, no. Definitely no.
At least Kevin bought that
we were going to AA together.
Thank God.
Kind of.
Well, he cornered me last
night and told me sobriety
was the reason I'm not fun anymore.
Called it a "reverse intervention."
Jesus.
It's scary how okay he can
seem after 10 car bombs.
Still sounds better than my day.
God, I'm sorry.
I feel like my near-death energy
lasted 24 hours.
Leave it to Kevin to
bring you back to reality.
Yeah.
But
Jenn and I have been
struggling for so long.
Even before we moved back here.
I feel like we could
have pretended forever,
but now
Kevin blew up your life. Welcome.
The thing is, I'm not sure I'm angry.
Maybe it's my near-death
energy talking, but
I might a
I might actually be grateful to him.
- Grateful?
- I know.
It's scary, right?
Yeah.
Oh.
Hello.
Hey, what can I get ya?
I am not sure yet.
Ah.
I haven't been in here in a while.
Not since my husband's ad aired.
You know "Wild Dude."
Hey, that's right!
Man.
You must laugh, like, all the time
with a guy like that at home.
Um, anyway, uh, I guess I will get
Unh-uh. Hey, hey. No, no, no, no, no.
You get a beer on me.
Thank you.
Oh! Oh, no!
Morning, Dad.
It's funny, I don't remember
ordering a boiled ham.
Dad, this is my brand-new,
kick-ass indoor hot tub.
You want in on this?
I'm not getting into
a tub with my grown son.
That's residual priest
nervousness, if you ask me.
Well, no one did.
If I were up for it, I'd
give you a rare high five
for giving that to Dad.
But I can't.
I'm simply too bereft.
You're bereft?
In a hot tub?
I know! I should be
out-of-my-gourd excited.
But instead, I'm realizing
that hot tubbing alone is
- Pretty sad.
- Pretty sad.
You know, I should have my
right-hand man in here with me,
but, no, Neil is nowhere
to be found again.
Yeah, he's been very busy lately.
I imagine this must be what it's like
to reach the top of Everest alone.
What does the beauty matter
if there's no other
soul to share it with?
It's like that time I saw Steve Harvey
and no one believed me.
Hey, do, uh,
you want to get in?
Uh, no thank you.
I'm gonna go see Diane.
Ugh. Of course.
Everybody has somebody to hang out with
except for me!
That's it, I have decided
that I'm gonna get everyone
in my life to start showing up
for my big moment of triumph!
It starts now!
Isn't this when you spring into action?
Yeah, but I'm naked in here
and Lorraine's in the kitchen, so
Diane?
Hey, D, you okay?
Yeah! Sorry. Yeah.
I'm I'm fine.
Oh! Uh, you You
didn't need to do that.
My treat.
Oh
Why'd you order that?
Uh, in here, I'm known
as "Mrs. Wild Dude,"
so they give me free beer.
So, that's the sudden urge
to take me day-drinkin'?
- 'Cause you get free beer?
- No.
It's 'cause I haven't seen you lately.
I guess.
Do you wanna maybe tell me why that is?
We've both been busy.
I think you've been busier than I have.
With Neil.
I saw you here the other night.
Okay. So?
Well, you're cheating
on Chuck with Neil.
Neil is
I don't know.
Something to look forward to.
But are you happy?
I'm not in love or anything.
I'm satisfied, hmm?
And you deserve to be satisfied.
More than satisfied.
Just be careful.
Of what?!
I'm pretty sure Neil's exactly
who I think he is, okay?
- That is the appeal.
- Yeah.
I used to think so, too, but, um
"But, um" what?
I just want you to be okay.
I'm here.
Okay.
But Allison, he's, uh He's been here.
It's not a lot,
but it's somethin'.
Enjoy your free beer.
Are you still hungover?
It's been, like, two days.
It's food poisoning.
Yeah, what did you eat?
Brown liquors.
Ow.
Uh is that why
you haven't packed yet?
Mm. Tammy.
Okay.
Um
I'm only gonna ask this one
I shouldn't read into this, right?
Absolutely not.
No.
There's a box right over there.
There's, like, four
cassette tapes in there.
'Cause I wanna bring those.
I guess it wouldn't be you if we
were moving on this any faster.
Thank you I think.
I just gotta go throw up one more time.
Sorry.
Leave me alone, Patty.
What Diane?
Well, you're not dead on the roadside.
That's good, I guess.
Oh, man, we were we were
supposed to hang out last night.
I-I I totally spaced.
Bullshit.
Kevin called.
There was this whole hot tub thing,
a-and he got mad at me, and I just
I got distracted.
I He pointed out I've
been MIA a lot lately, and
And I think he's right, you know?
I've been spending
way too much time on
On other stuff.
But you hate Kevin.
What?
No, Kevin's my best friend.
He He looks out for me,
and I've been really
shitty to him lately.
Okay. Is that true, or is
that just what he tells you?
No. No! No, this is my fault,
and it's 'cause of us that
I've been acting shitty.
This whole thing is weird and stupid.
Having sex with me is weird and stupid?
Well, yeah! Kinda!
- Okay.
- I
You really don't need to
worry about that anymore.
I
Hey, Diane Alcoholic.
Hi, Diane.
I know you say you're
not supposed to get
in a relationship the first
year of doing this whole thing,
but, uh, I I got sober
after I met this guy,
so I thought it didn't count.
But it's over, and okay, I get it.
Because, like,
I was able to get sober because of him.
Like, I had something to look forward to
that wasn't a nip of
Fireball after work
or during work.
Without him I'm gonna
be honest with you, okay?
Without him, I don't
I don't know how long
I can go without drinking.
And without me
I don't want to have to worry about him,
but I can't stop worrying about him.
I'm back, buddy!
Neil! It's been a while since I woke up
to find you drinking in our living room.
Uh, I wouldn't call it our living room.
You're about as welcome here as a book,
in that I feel dumb
and mad when I see you,
and I don't care at all
what's going on inside of you.
Ah! Neil!
It's good to see you
back where you belong.
Yeah. Two peas in a pod.
- Like Tom Brady and
- Gronk?
You definitely have the same IQ.
Thank you.
It just feels right to
have you next to me, buddy.
Especially since we're
getting ready for our annual
Tour de Franzia bar crawl!
Ah, yes. Your annual drunken race.
Tiny little tricycles, and
great big boxes of wine.
And a trophy! The boys from Maloney's
don't stand a chance.
And do you remember
why you lost last year?
- I got my stomach pumped.
- Of course.
Everyone else calls it "you
puked all over my kitchen."
We all lost that day.
We sure did.
Amen.
How much has changed
since I've been gone?
Well, good luck.
And Neil, maybe this year,
you can puke all over your own kitchen.
Joke's on her, my kitchen's
already covered in puke.
Yeah.
Mm.
Neil.
Neil?
Oh
Neil!
Oh, please, just let yourself in.
Well, I pay the mortgage, so, yeah,
ugh, I will let myself in.
How much wine have you had?
Here.
I'm fine.
I gotta go.
You're not going anywhere, Neil.
I have to!
We lost the crawl and Kevin's pissed.
Those guys from Maloney's cheated,
and now we gotta get 'em back.
I just need to go to the paint store
and find that goat.
- Goat?
- Mm.
You sound like an idiot.
Why don't you just sleep this one off?
God, will you just move out already?
I will! I am!
No, you shut up.
Just lie down.
Kevin needs me.
Kevin will be fine.
Kevin's always fine.
Shit.
Hey, do you have any
more shifts I can pick up?
Sam?
Jenn's parents are trying to
claim sole ownership of Bev's.
What?!
Jenn told them we split
And probably why we split
And
they're taking it.
But
Bev's is yours! They can't do that.
Well, the way I let them structure it,
I think they can.
So sorry.
Still feel grateful to Kevin now?
Yeah.
I don't think he blew
up my life on purpose,
but it's like that makes it worse.
If only he'd accidentally
fix it somehow.
Uh, A-Allison?
Got a sec?
Oh. Yeah.
Um Back room.
Ugh. God.
This is sad.
If I ever wind up living
in the packie, kill me.
Well, I'm really glad you came by.
I hate where we left off.
But you could've come by the house.
Uh, no. I couldn't.
Not for this.
It is what it is, and I
don't want to hear about it.
About what?
Diane, what is this?
I won it playing Keno a few weeks back.
Thought you could, uh,
use a little extra cash
for your vacation.
Diane, I I don't deserve this.
You were right, what you
said, I've been distracted
by my own bullshit,
and and you need to take this.
And use it for what?
I thought about hitting
Atlantic City with Neil,
but that's not gonna happen.
Diane, I was never rootin'
for you to be unhappy.
I just wanted you to have more.
You know, I never wanted kids.
I thought I'd always have boys,
and then I would have to take
care of them all until I died.
And I felt like I already had a girl.
Thank you.
Thank Kevin, hmm?
If it weren't for him, I'd
be blowing it on roulette
with Neil.
I told you you could
always get more money.
God, I wish I had your luck.
Well, this wasn't luck.
Sam, I really I want to
help you keep this place.
Yeah, that's That's nice,
but Jenn's parents are ruthless.
This isn't about money for them.
So, how?
I have no idea.
I think Kevin might?
Come on, guys!
Ugh!
Pete! Anybody!
Patty?
What's going on?
Neil got drunk on red wine,
and when he's wine drunk,
well, he's a lot like my dad.
I tried to keep him in the apartment,
but he and Kevin wanted
to do something stupid.
Oh. And the car's gone, so
whatever Kevin wanted to do,
they are doing.
And they drove.
Fantastic.
Want me to come over
and wait up with you?
I should probably pack.
Yeah, I Yeah.
Few things I need to figure out, too.
Well
I should have gone to nursing school.
You would've had to work
on your bedside manner.
Shut up!
Oh. Yeah.
Okay.
But I-I still think
that I'd be great at it.
I do, too.
So, prove it!
Okay. The back ones?
Well, not the front ones!
We need two or three.
Jesus. Open up.
Oh, that's a very good one.
- Okay, on the count of three.
- Uh-huh!
- One
- Uh-huh!
Two wait.
Wait. Why are we doing this again?
- Dental records.
- Sure.
You said that, but why
do we need dental records?
Because Sam keeps giving me a hard time
about how I'm gonna kill myself,
so I figure I torch Kevin's car,
I sprinkle a few teeth
in the front seat,
it looks like I burn up in there,
and then they identify
me by my dental records.
So, Bob's your uncle.
What?
That's an awful plan!
- Why?
- Well
It's just not at all how
dental records work.
Or fires.
Okay, well, I need to
figure something out,
'cause this is the last thing
I need to do.
Mm.
- The last thing.
- Yeah.
So, I have to be smart about it.
Yeah pliers notwithstanding, I guess.
Sam thinks I'm stalling.
Okay, what is with everyone
rushing everybody all the time.
Thank you!
Nick is in a coma.
Kevin and Neil are back to normal.
So, I I do have time.
I can't be stupid about this.
Mm. You gotta think things through.
Yeah.
You gotta be sure.
How do you know when you're sure?
Oh. It's Tammy.
Well, I should probab I
Okay.
Hey.
Oh, sorry.
Officer. Yeah, I I thought
you were somebody else.
How can I help you?
Yeah.
I'm his sister.
O'Connor?
You made bail.
Thank you.
You okay?
No.
You woke up! Another win.
Eh.
Mornin'.
What is this?
It's called breakfast, Dad.
I know it's breakfast.
But where are the meats?
He's right! Allison,
what is happening here?
Yes, I left out the meats.
I hate it, too, but we have
to cut back a little bit,
because I'm losing my job at the diner.
What? What'd you do?
Sam's in-laws are coming
after the diner in the divorce
and they're closing it down.
Of course he can't keep his restaurant.
He can't even keep his own wife!
Well, we just have to cut
back on a few things, alright?
Breakfast meats,
maybe buy a little less beer.
Excuse me?
A-And what are you giving up?
Well, we can stop ordering
takeout all the time.
Meaning, you'll cook?
Um, I can boil a dinner
with the best of them.
Well, if you have
such a problem with it,
you can take it up with Sam
and his terrible divorce settlement.
Actually, you know what? Don't do that,
because he doesn't enjoy talking to you.
Do you think he's still in jail?
Well, Kevin definitely
didn't bail him out.
I should've.
Oh, 'cause you're worried
about him getting back at us,
or you're worried about him?
Yes.
It's good that you didn't.
Okay, just let him dry out
in there for the weekend,
let him take care of himself for once.
Ah! Ouch.
Want me to make you
some soup or something?
Curry's good for a hangover.
Better than Better
than hazelnut coffee.
We had the same amount.
It's really almost rude that
you feel absolutely fine.
Kevin's rubbing off on me.
Meanwhile, this has been my
second hangover of this week.
Tammy's not gonna love it.
She thinks you're a bad influence on me.
Bad influence?
She told me about your thing with Sam.
As if that's the thing that
makes you morally compromised.
- She told you that?
- I already knew.
Yeah, but she didn't know that you knew.
She's just jealous.
She'll get over it.
'Cause we're friends?
Yeah.
And you're not gonna be
around for much longer.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
I'm only slightly hungover
this time, I swear.
What is that smell?
You got a Yankee Candle going?
Hazelnut. Sorry.
I'm gonna get out of
here, but feel better.
Bye.
Hey, hold on.
We gotta talk.
Look, I know what you
said about us hanging out,
but you can't control
her life, we're friends.
That's not what this is, okay?
I'm worried about her.
Worried how?
This is Patty at a gas station
in Vermont,
where I'm pretty sure
she assaulted a trucker
for some pills,
pills that ended up on
the guy that broke into your house.
I don't know exactly what it means,
but I know she's wrapped up
in something stupid,
something bad.
Oh, uh, have you shown
this to anyone else?
No.
The minute I do, it becomes official.
Okay. Well, uh, there must
be some misunderstanding.
That's not like Patty. You know her.
I mean, I think I do,
but don't you think
she's been acting weird lately?
Mm, no.
No, no. I mean, not at all.
She's been she's been
completely normal with me.
What?
Nothing.
Bye, Allison.
Bye.
Patty, what the hell are you doing?!
Honey, that wasn't the guy.
Allison?
- Allison?
- Yeah? Yeah?
Jenn's parents dropped
their claim on the diner.
- They did?
- Yeah, yeah.
They were informed of an
impending personal injury suit
against the diner, a slip and fall.
If we lost, they'd be on
the hook for the payout,
and they wanted no part of it.
How did that happen?
Was it
The plaintiff's name
was "Kelvin McLoberts."
Yeah. This all feels a little slimy,
but I guess technically,
I didn't do anything,
so, I mean, I can just
let this happen, right?
Sam, I don't want to leave.
- After all the
- Yeah.
- But why?
- I'm just
not ready to give up
everything.
You were right. I was stalling.
And I thought I could.
I thought I had time.
But now Tammy's found something,
and soon, she's just
gonna ruin all of it.
Ruin what? Your great life here?
- Yeah.
- What?!
I know! I know. It's just that,
everything's been easier lately.
- But Kevin
- Yeah, it turns out,
if you make your
problems Kevin's problems,
he just fixes all of them.
Look, he has taken from me for 15 years.
I'm just starting to get something back.
I don't want you to leave, either,
but you kinda have to, right?
- I mean, Tammy
- She is a problem.
But now I know how to
take care of my problems.
I introduce them to Kevin.
Hey.
Wanna hear a crazy story?
Allison, if Kevin
decided Tammy's a problem,
she won't be a cop in three days.
Neil kept talking about
this crazy story he had.
It was really awful.
What?
Patty, uh, I have to go find Neil.
Have you seen him lately?
Patty's getting worried.
Neil?