Key and Peele (2012) s02e06 Episode Script

The power of Christ compels you! [bleep.]
your mother! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! Your mother's in Hell! The power of Christ compels you! I'll suck your [bleep.]
.
Let me suck your [bleep.]
, mother[bleep.]
.
Could you please clear the room? Yo! Thank you so much.
That was scary before it got offensive.
Good evening, everybody, I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
- I am Jordan Peele.
- And we're Key and Peele.
Thanks for coming out.
Thank you so much.
Happy Halloween, everybody.
- Welcome.
- Happy Halloween.
- This is our - All Hallow's Eve, yes.
- Our Halloween celebration.
- Mm-hmm, yes.
Um, we are we're fans of horror movies.
And there's several different kinds.
- There's several different kinds.
- There's right.
There's the kind where there's little Asian children that sound like Penelope Cruz.
Yup, yeah.
Well, you know what? My favorite My favorite horror movies are the possession ones.
- Oh, yes, yes.
- And since I've been in California, I will go see a horror movie at 12:00 at night.
I went and saw Paranormal Activity, There was a family of And 90% of them were under the age of four.
And and you know what the most messed up thing about it is, like clockwork, about halfway through the movie, - at some point - Yeah, yeah.
Somebody goes, "Oh, no, it's not a ghost, it's a demon.
" The entire mexican family, "Oh, no, [bleep.]
this.
We don't [bleep.]
with that.
" - Right in front of my action.
- Everybody, there's the kid Oh, come on, this is This is ridiculous.
They're all leaving, the whole family.
- This is a you know - En masse, out the door.
It's a horror movie, it's always Diablo! Yeah, what did you think was gonna happen? Oh, here we go, we got more.
Hey! What's up, Ted and Annette? Come on in.
Yes.
Fangs for coming.
Have a bloody good time.
Awesome.
Oh! Oh.
Hee-hee! There he is.
What's up, Noah? Hee-hee! - Michael Jackson.
- Hee-hee! - Oh, here it is.
- Hee-hee! - Yeah, that's what he does.
- Hee-hee! - That's Michael Jackson.
- Hee-hee! - All right.
- Hee-ee hee! - Great! - Ow! - Nice.
Ow! Sham! - Oh, there we go.
- Sham! - There we go.
- Sham! - All right, three's the charm.
- Sham on! - Four.
- Ha! - All right, well - Annie, are you okay? - Oh! He's leaning.
He's leaning.
- Are you okay, Annie? - All right.
- Are you okay? - Annie, are you okay, Annie? You've been touched by a smooth criminal.
- Very nice Ha!.
- Sham on! - Oh, more kicks.
- Ha! Closer! Closer! - More kicks.
You're - Close to your face! You Ah! You almost hit me there.
- You're really getting - Sham on! No more "sham on"s.
Hoo hoo! You want to come inside? That's annoying.
That is very annoy Stop.
Stop! Just Don't do it anymore.
Ha! Yo ! Sham on! - Great.
Just keep doing the sham on.
That's the one Where the children at? Hee! Hee! - "Where the children at?" - Jesus juice - That's in bad taste.
- Ho! This isn't Thriller eyes.
- Sham on! - What what are you doing? - Jam it on! Jam it on! - No, you're cut of sham ons.
I'm oh, okay.
Ha! He doesn't slap his ass like that, so I don't know what - Okay.
- nah-nah-nah, nah-nah-nah - Nah-nah - No, he doesn't I've never seen him hit his ass - Hey.
But no - O-oh! Hey can we just hey Hey, man Hey, stop stop it! Stop it! The [bleep.]
costume's awful, The impression is stupid and played out, Everybody and their mother was Michael Jackson three years ago when he died! He died? - Oh.
- Wait wait, he died? Oh, Noah.
Oh, Noah Boo hoo What? No, wait wait a second.
Don't sad-moonwalk away.
Mm, boo hoo - You know what? Let - Boo hoo! Happy Halloween.
All right, listen up.
Sheriff's department's close by We'll be safe there.
- Okay.
- Stay close.
I'll get you out of here.
Oh, my God! Oh, my G They got Brad! They got Brad! They got Brad! Hey, they didn't get us! They didn't get us! Okay? We're still alive.
- Yeah, right.
- Keep it together.
Yeah, okay.
We gotta make it to that sheriff's station.
We gotta go through 'em.
Just stay together, keep moving, and don't get bit.
Go! - Are you getting this? - Yeah, what is up? All right, let's go.
Let's go.
This is crazy.
- What? - Um - Oh.
- Ain't that some [bleep.]
? These are some racist mother-[bleep.]
zombies! Why would you even lock the door? I mean, the window's broken, and Oh! Oh, hell, no.
- That's - No, no, no.
- Oh, come on! - What is that? They seriously wouldn't let her eat us.
- That's - Hey, guys.
Isn't this great? These racist zombies are leaving us alone.
Come on, we're having a party.
The beer is here! And look who I brought.
Come on, man.
You like Harry Potter movies, right? I do like putting me on blast.
- Put me on blast.
- I'm just asking you - Yeah, I like - If you enjoy the Can you explain that phenomenon to me? Never read a book, never seen a movie.
- Okay, see, well, you're - I don't know anything about it.
- You're missing out.
- Am I missing out? Am I missing out? Mm, my friend.
My friend, the wonderful world of Hogwarts.
Okay, and that's that's his house, right? That's oh.
- That's Hogwarts's house? - House.
No, you would love it.
You would love you would be perfect for Hog - I don't think so.
- Youlook, Hufflepuff.
[bleep.]
Hufflepuff.
You just got sorted.
- Do I go like - You just got sorted.
Is that right? Is what I'm doing right? Okay, but do I look in the camera? No? Oh, at you? All right.
Like on television, all right.
Now, knock it off! All the stupid-ass grab-ass and touchy-feely bull[bleep.]
! God damn! I told you they was rotten.
I am Parnabus Jackson, principal here at Clortho's, Uh, Vince Clortho High.
Uh This station's just a formality, but Here's a bunch of stuff that we confiscated just this week.
Stuffwe don't have to show them that.
Here's a wand with a silencer on it.
Why? But I ask again, why? One out of five girls in this school is pregnant with a demon baby! - Well - One out of five! - Okay.
- *** The babies are evil, But the mothers, they're good kids.
As we say at Clortho's, "There's never a portal that cannot be opened "with ingenuity and respect.
" Now How you gon' be using an invisible cloak, when I can see you're tagging the damn wall? Dime bag of pixie dust.
Contraband.
See, here's the thing, The kids know that the only way to fly - Wizard pepper.
- Unbelievable.
Get your ass out my office.
I will turn you into a spider! They're good kids.
Hogwarts and Clortho's, Clortho's and Hogwarts, they go hand-in-hand, The best top two wizarding schools there are.
But you know, out of these two schools, we each have a strike.
We do score a little bit lower on standardized tests than hogwarts, but there is a cultural bias.
We may not have a huge endowment like they get over at Hogwarts, and yes, some of the teachers have to buy their own newt's eyes or bat wings or One kid got transformed into a cat.
They can't even afford to change him back.
This young man's name is Jamar.
Normally, you're not allowed to touch the students like this when they're in human form, But when they're a cat, we just have at it.
Sports.
Everybody loves sports.
- It's true.
- Not everybody.
The hallways are a-bluster with the conversation of our Quidditch team.
Half the team is back here riding mops.
We got two little [bleep.]
on Swiffers.
Lester! When all is said and done, the average Clortho student uh, say This mother Sometimes the kids think it's cute To turn themselves into a rat, sneak into my office, Play a little joke on me.
Who is that? Tyrone, is that is that? No, that's an actual rat.
So I'm doing this, like, airline food diet.
- Yeah.
- It's, like, all I eat, and I've lost, like, 16 pounds.
- Oh, my God, Amy.
- Yeah.
- I almost forgot to tell you.
- What? We got a new receptionist at work.
- Ew! No way.
- Yeah.
So I'm in the common area alone, minding my own business - Yeahoh, she said something to you? She came up to me, and no joke, she's like, "Hi, I'm Sandy.
I don't believe we've met yet.
" She said that to you? Like, no, Amy, I'm not even kidding you.
She's crazy.
- Um, yeah! No, like, I'm scared, like, crazy, like, get this bitch away from me, She's sociopathically batshit crazy.
Oh, my God, that totally reminds me, - I have a new neighbor.
- Ew, yeah? She comes over to my house, she knocks on the door with, like, a package under her arm.
- Um, stalker much? - Um, yeah.
And she looks me in the eye, and she says to me, "Um, excuse me, I think the postman dropped this package off at my house by accident.
" - She said that to you? - Yeah.
- Crazy bitch! - I mean, like, I'm gonna have to move because this bitch is nutburgers-McLooneytunes, stand-at-the-foot-of-my-bed- with-a-knife crazy.
Oh, my God, that totally reminds me! - Oh, yeah.
- You remember that girl at Starbuck's? - The crazy one? - No, a different one.
She's new.
- I haven't met her yet.
- Well, she's crazy.
- Uh-huh.
- She gives me my change, and then she's like, "Thanks, bye.
" She smiled at you like that? - How crazy is that? - That's, like That's, like, insane-in-the-membrane crazy.
Like, this is the membrane, she's inside of it, 'cause that's insane.
No, I'm not even kidding you, Amy, that's crazy like, it-puts- the-lotion-in-the-basket, or-else-it-gets-the-hose-again, Cray-to-the-mother[bleep.]
Cray! Yeah, like, if Jay-Z had a sister, her name would be "Cray.
" Hey! You ladies want to meet Channing Tatum? - Is he really in there? - Are you serious? - Oh, Channing! - (gasps) Oh, my God, Channing! Channing, what are you doing in a van? This is effing crazy.
I don't see you, Channing.
- Why are you hiding? - Why are you in here? Channing, are you, like, in a little ball in the front seat? Hello? It smells like mildew in here.
- I bet - ow! Sharp, jagged, rusty edge.
Is that a meat hook? Human centipede? Yeah.
You guys? Some of you don't? Some people don't.
There's this movie called Human Centipede.
It's the most [bleep.]
up horror movie ever.
Ever made.
Ever made, ever.
And what happens, basically, three people and the first person's ass is sewn to the next person's mouth.
- Mouth.
- Whose ass is sewn To the next person's mouth.
And hence, a multi-legged organism, uh And then Look at this woman's mouth, It's just open Don't open your mouth right now, ma'am.
She's just, like don't op yes, please, don't You don't want to open your No one's gonna do it to you, ma'am.
(audience ohs) So here's what happened in real life on planet Earth.
- On planet Earth, in real life, somebody said, "Let's take a look at this script here.
- Yeah.
- "Let me see.
"I think you'll like everything I've done there.
- "Uh-huh, okay.
- "Let me know how you think.
"Uh-huh.
Yeah, uh-huh, oh, yeah, "this should make millions of dollars.
" - I am gonna go wash my hands.
- Okay, sweetie.
- Okay.
- See you in a second.
Buddy! Um, I'm sorry, uh, that seat is actually taken.
My girlfriend is in the bathroom, and she should be back any second, so you cannot sit there.
You don't even recognize me, do you? No.
No, I dI don't I don't know you.
We were in that human centipede together! I said, I do not know you.
Three years ago, we were kidnapped by the crazy German scientist who surgically connected us into a single human digestive chain.
There were three of us, I was in the middle, you were at the end, the other guy was up front.
Your mouth was sewn to my butthole! Okay, yes, I remember! And after years of therapy, I finally put that behind me.
Probably should've said you put it behind me, If you catch my drift.
I'm sorry.
Sorry! You already caught my drift.
I'm sorry! That's it.
It was right there in front of me.
- Really? Really? - I'm sorry.
I guess it was right there in front of you.
That's it.
I'm sorry.
How are you doing? How are you? Is there something else I can help you with? - Umoh! - Hey, [bleep.]
eater.
- No [bleep.]
way! - Hey! - Front man! - this is a [bleep.]
nightmare.
Hey, Back man.
Back man! No, don't call me that.
- Ah! - Hey, cop a squat.
No! Ooh, chili.
Old habits die hard? Nice one! - Now I can't eat it.
- Oh, word? - Why are you happy to see him? - Come on, man! You know, we all shared the same experience.
No, we didn't.
He was in the front.
Nobody [bleep.]
in his mouth! That is true.
- Do you ever stop eating? Ever? - Only when I'm [bleep.]
.
Okay.
- But me and you, right? - Me and you what? I mean.
We were in the same boat.
Nope, you two were in the same boat.
You both [bleep.]
in someone's mouth.
I didn't get to [bleep.]
in anyone's mouth! "Get to"? When do I get to [bleep.]
in anybody's mouth, huh? When do I get to [bleep.]
in somebody's mouth? - Steven! - Hon I No.
These guys I can explain this.
I can explain this.
You Oh, you're disgusted? You oh, now, you're gonna leave? Oh, yeah.
That's great.
Oh, yeah.
Once again, I'm the asshole.
Good evening, my fellow Americans.
Now, as you know, sometimes during the chaos of a presidential campaign, It's easy to forget the beauty of the democratic process This is it! Armageddon! I mean, y'all got to vote for me, y'all, you have to! Or we gonna get banked over by a bunch of bitch-ass billionaires! This is my anger translator, Luther, Who I thought had the day off.
What the [bleep.]
are you doing here, Luther? Anyway, I think that everybody needs to take a moment to appreciate that our political system truly works.
Unless Romney wins, and then the [bleep.]
is broke! And despite the heated rhetoric of a campaign, there's always a place for civil discourse.
As long as you got a few million dollars lying around so you can counteract all the negative ads.
Hey, Romney and Karl Rove and all you evil mother[bleep.]
with your slimy-ass super PACs, Y'all done poked a hornet's nest with a sugar stick.
Y'all slapped Frankenstein right in the bolts, man.
Uhh! And you know what, after I win this? I'm taking all y'all down.
Thank you, And I'll see you all on the campaign trail.
And when you give me your babies to kiss, please clean they diapers, all right? 'cause I ain't trying to kiss no poop! Just wash they ass.
You know, just wash their ass.
It's true.
You should wash their ass.
How come in every Stephen King book or movie Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
a black person has got to have special powers? Yeah, Green Mile.
And the mouse is alive.
- Right.
- I mean, you know what I mean? Okay.
Tom Hanks' (bleep) works.
- That's right.
- You know what I mean? It's just, like Bees coming out of this mother-[bleep.]
mouth.
- Aah.
- I mean, you know what I mean? And in The Stand, the woman you know, she had She was clairvoyant? Oh, yeah.
Oh, Mama Abagail gonna show you the way.
- That'soh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- I want to go to Maine - Yes.
So I can meet all these magical black people.
That is where magical black people go to retire.
I-Iyeah, right oh, okay.
So your office is all the way down at the end.
You have your own attached bathroom, by the way.
Oh, um, here's one of our best researchers.
Dick? - Hey.
- Ah, hello there.
What's up, dude? Glad to see there's another brother in this stuffy place.
- So, uh, this is gonna be your assistant, Genevieve.
- Genevieve, I'm - What is this? It's the Shining, man.
All black people have the Shining.
You never shined with another black person before? No, I grew up in a white neighborhood and then went to Dartmouth.
I've met other black people before, but not like this.
You gotta get shined at by another black person first, and then you get it.
It's kinda like Facebook.
What up, dudes? So every black person has this? Is Kobe listening? Yo, what up? Wow! Denzel Washington? I'm here, I'm present, and I will always be around.
- Lil' Jon? - Yeah! Excuse me, Lil' Jon.
Welcome, Ray.
I'm glad to have you on board.
Oh, [bleep.]
! What's up, Barack Obama? Ahem! Wouldn't that be something if Barack Obama just showed up? Your start-up paperwork's right over here.
Man, you gotta be more careful.
Learn to use the Shining.
Tune in and out of it.
And I'm sick of these goddamn snakes - Just give me the basketball! - on this goddamn plane! Here, yo, Coco, what you want to drink, girl? Leo, what are you doing? Drink some colt 45 malt liquor.
Women dig chocolate! Is everything okay? Ray! Listen for Morgan.
Morgan Freeman.
He will guide you.
Listen to my voice, Ray.
Now, just stay calm and focus on that white man.
Once you finish up this paperwork, bring it to Jennifer in my office.
Now, pick up that letter opener, and kill that white man.
Have an amazing Halloween.
- Uh, we are not going - Hee-ya! Oh, sham on! - Don't encourage him.
- Shamone! Oh! Close to your face! - No, don't.
We're not doing that.
Sham on! Sham on! Sham on! Sham on! Sham on! Sham on! Sham on! Ah! Ha! Close to your face! - No! All right.
Look at him, he looks like you look like Michael Jackson after he got burnt - Good night, everybody! I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah!