Laid (2011) s02e06 Episode Script

I keep killing people I have sex with.
Promise me something? Anything.
You'll never see him again.
Done.
I have lost the ability to perform.
You can't get it up? Fix it without touching it.
Just undo whatever you did.
It's time to move on.
You were just meant to change the hand towels, not mess with the stock.
Get out! Can you pass the milk? Mm-hmm.
Can you pass the toy at the bottom of the Cracklees box? Certainly.
Having some trouble there? It'll be fine.
That went well.
This is ridiculous.
This IS ridiculous.
You're being a complete cow to me.
What do you mean, cow? It is something that you think I might have done, or something you saw? Are you high? Should we go to The Space? Do we still do that? OK.
I miss you.
Shut up.
There's no sentiment in The Space.
Stop being such a hard arse for 5 minutes.
Sorry.
It's just I've got something to tell you.
I've got something to tell you too.
You go first.
No, no, you first.
I went first last time.
I swear, no matter what you tell me, it won't be as bad as what I have to tell you.
Wrong.
Well you go first then.
No, you.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Let's just say it at the same time.
OK.
One.
Two.
What? What? What do you mean, you kissed my dad? It was nothing serious.
It didn't mean anything.
That's a relief.
It was after a breath workshop.
I think I was hyperventilating.
Oh my God! It was just a kiss.
It was nothing else.
So you didn't top it off with a mutual masturbation session? Don't be revolting.
When the hell did you kiss Marcus? Who cares if I kissed Marcus? You kissed my dad! So does your mum but you don't get mad at her.
You kissed my dad! Unbelievable.
Do I have to call you Mum now, Mummy? Can you not? It might take a while to get used to it.
Roo? It's definitely worked.
No more psoriasis.
Jack's back.
I thought your name was Marcus.
Yeah.
Oh, never mind.
Hey, are you a Famous Five fan? I've got the box set.
You know, I think George was probably the first, and last, children's own adventure hermaphrodite.
Do you take credit card? Ah, you don't there's there's no payment.
You do this for free? Yeah.
Weird.
What's weird about it? Oh, I don't know.
Maybe weird's not what I'm looking for.
It's more, um, sad.
How is it sad? I'm living the dream.
Oh, right.
I'm sure all little boys grow up hoping to live in caravan parks having sex with chronic psoriasis sufferers.
Could you pass me my underpants please? I can't sit here and chat all day.
My husband's taking me to Ubud for a second honeymoon.
Thanks again.
I've been having a difficult day.
I sensed that.
I sensed that.
And you know, I came back here and there you were.
Funking up your cabin with my man jazz.
I lashed out.
I accept your apology.
Let's never fight again.
I wasn't apologising.
You've been hanging out with Roo a lot.
Maybe there's a link.
What do you mean? I don't know.
Roo's got a bit of a habit of you know, bringing people down.
You should have seen her after we'd had sex.
Oh, Barbara Bad Times.
Wait.
You've had sex with Roo? Oh yeah, big time.
Right up it.
What? When? Oh, it was nothing serious.
Just two consensual adults bungee jumping into each other's holes.
Beautiful day.
It's the kind of day that makes you think, 'I wonder what the poor people are doing?' I'm thinking of chucking it in.
What? Why? Just been doing a bit of thinking lately.
Hey, screw thinking.
Are you nuts? Why would you want to give away the dream? Perhaps the thrill has gone.
Perhaps there never really was a thrill in the first place.
Oh, there was a thrill.
There was a palpable thrill.
JB? Intensely palpable.
There's gotta be more to life than boning grateful women with halitosis.
So you just want to walk away? Is that it? I haven't decided yet.
First EJ.
Then the terrarium.
Now this.
Hello.
Oh, hi Dad.
I'm not here to see you.
But I suspect you already know that.
Yes, I do.
So if you'll just excuse me, I'll Mum, your boyfriend's here! Oh, grow up.
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.
Don't worry, I won't let this drag on longer than it has to.
Understood.
We're both mature adults.
We can discuss this.
Absolutely.
I just want you to know, I get it.
You do? You look at me, and you see all the answers.
I'm still a fit man, full head of hair.
It's it's confusing for you.
I relate to that, I do.
But I'm still in love with my wife.
Sorry? It's hard to hear, I know.
It's hard to hear.
It is.
Mm.
It's tough.
Poor girl.
I don't know.
When I see you, I just I just want to throw myself at you.
Is that weird? No, not at all.
I'm only human.
You can't put all this out there and not expect something like this to happen.
No, no, you can't.
Listen, before you start going on about spirit animals and Duran Duran or whatever it is you women like to bleat about in times of crisis, I've got something to say.
I've decided to have sex with you.
Oh my God, that Just stop.
I haven't finished.
I love you.
What? I'm poleaxed by you.
Everything's come apart.
It makes me think about what it is you need.
How much you want to be rid of this curse.
You've done nothing but bang on about it since we met and frankly I'm looking forward to a time when you drop the topic and move onto something more interesting.
But seeing as I'm apparently in love with you, I'm willing to sacrifice everything in order to make you happy.
And believe me, this is new for me as well.
However, I've thought about this thoroughly and I'm I'm going to give you what you want.
I'm grateful.
Is there a catch? Well, clearly.
I'm not going to sacrifice everything everything, just so you can flit off back to little Jimmy Make a Wish in hospital.
No, if we're going to get intimate, I want us to be together.
Family gatherings, breakfast in bed, DVDs on the couch.
I'm told that's how it goes.
I don't know what to say.
You felt it too.
When we kissed.
And there was something there, something real.
And it can grow.
I just want to get rid of this thing and save Charlie.
So you're going to lie to Marcus.
It's shameful.
People lie to get other people into bed all the time, don't they? I guess.
Maybe Marcus has a point.
Maybe I could learn to love him.
Oh my God! There was a spark there, when we kissed.
Something.
Maybe it was asthma.
Maybe it's just because we get what each other is going through.
In a weird way, we're connected.
How do you think Charlie's going to feel when he finds out? If he's better, do you think he'd mind so much? What about if you knew something really disgusting about Marcus? How much worse can it get? The man's practically Gollum.
What about if he had sex with your boyfriend's mum? Jan? I could work with that.
You couldn't.
Yeah, I could.
What if I told you that Jan makes a sound that's not normal? What are you talking about? Jan had sex with Marcus.
What? When? Last week and I saw it.
Did it work? That's your first question - did it work? Well, did it? No, she's still insane.
But what was wrong with her? She made me watch her have sex.
I mean, physically, what was wrong with her? What? Nothing! So you have to be actually sick for it to work.
Jan believes in him too.
Sorry, you're fine with the idea of going Jan slops? It's beyond slops.
It's about saving lives.
Anyway, it's just a business transaction between two consenting adults.
It's not anymore, is it? Marcus just told you he's in love with you.
Just don't know if I can ruin his life.
It's not my place to tell.
I mean, I know that.
You know, there comes a time in every man's life when a burden needs to be shared and I am carrying this Oh, for God's sake, Zach, get on with it.
I've got to get to choir.
It's about Graham.
Yes, I've gathered that.
And EJ.
Mm-hmm.
Don't make me do a filthy mime.
I'm going.
They kissed.
Oh, how ridiculous.
Perfect timing.
You two have a lot to discuss.
I know sorry won't be enough.
This whole thing is idiotic.
Sleeping on your daughter's couch, trying to kiss her friends.
Who do you think you are, Michael Jackson? Did he kiss girls? Just come home and stop this nonsense.
It's not nonsense, Marion.
It's freedom of expression, just like it was in the 60s.
You were an obstacle course guide for Outward Bound in the 60s.
So you'll take me back? I never kicked you out in the first place.
You said you were going for a gumbo.
Oh, you! Oh, dear! Uterine pressure points were applied.
Thank you, Riba.
Always happy to lend a hand.
And the oedema rectified within a week.
Who uses a fax? Only those who want a very real and reliable interface with technology.
If this is another pie chart about electro-magnetics! Oh, sweet Jesus! I'll assume that's a yes.
Roo is not equipped to deal with something like this! She's a fawn in a forest! She's like Bambi, her mother lying dead in the snow, shot by hunters! Calm yourself, Gregory.
Think of your hernia.
Well this why Listen to me when I tell you this! We shouldn't be playing with people's lives! Hardly playing.
You said it yourself.
It's the journey Roo and Marcus must take.
You knew there'd be risks when you brought them together.
Yeah, but I thought they'd be fun ones.
I'm going to warn her.
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Yes, but We're alternative therapy medical practitioners, Greg.
We can't interfere with fate.
I have, ah, three demands.
One, blinds open at all times.
If this is going to be our first attempt, I want to make mental notes for future ventures.
Two, no music.
Three, eye contact.
This enhances the romantic feeling between lovers.
I read it in The Bride Stripped Bare.
Shall we begin? You can undress me if you like.
I'm wearing clean socks.
Charlie! I feel better.
I feel heaps better.
Great.
Four and a half stars.
I don't usually score that high.
Must be the endorphins.
How did Charlie take it? Were there tears? Oh no, don't tell me.
I don't want to lose any more respect for the guy.
How soon do you want to move into the cabin? Might need time to clear you a drawer.
Marcus? Do you need more than one drawer? I wouldn't bother bringing that duffel coat.
It's an abomination.
I'm not telling Charlie.
You just going to let the guy think you broke up with him for no reason? That's cold.
I mean, I'm not telling him anything, ever.
I can't be with you, and I can't love you.
This is just something that had to happen, and in time, I hope you can see that it's for the good of both of us.
You're having me on.
I mean, maybe now you can have a relationship based on something other than sex.
Based on love and trust and exchange of ideas Trust? You have the fucking gall to use that word? I'm sorry.
You used me, and now I have nothing.
Nothing.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Harlot.
Harridan! Slut! How do you feel? Reborn? Tingling in the nethers? It could be herpes.
I don't feel anything yet.
So you don't know if it's worked.
Guess I'll have to have sex with somebody to find out.
I'm sorry if I'm not supportive sometimes.
I know best friends are supposed to be full-time believers.
I get why you find it hard to swallow.
That's what she said.
Sorry, gag reflex.
That's what she said.
I love you.
Heaps.
Despite the fact you're damaged goods now.
Thanks, Mummy.
Did he touch this bit? Don't.
Right there, with his creepy hands? Don't.
Or was it with his creepy dick? Stop it.
Jan? It's incredible.
It's just just incredible.
It is indeed.
You look amazing.
It's a miracle.
Yes.
I'll leave you to it.
I'll be in the canteen if you need me.
Oh.
Oh, you look terrible.
Oh, I'm I'm just a bit rattled, by everything.
It's weird.
One minute I was completely out of it, the next minute, someone flicked a switch.
Don't you think that's weird? Very.
Almost like outside forces were at work.
Could seem that way.
Mm.
When are you going to tell me? Tell you what? That you had sex with Marcus.
I Don't.
You promised me you wouldn't lie.
I know I can't expect you to understand, but I hope that one day, one day you'll see it from my perspective.
Unbelievable.
Aren't you happy that you're well? After everything we've been through, it ends like this.
Who said anything about ending? I did.
I am.
I mean, you really think you can go behind my back and have sex with some dude? What about your? I told you how I felt.
I did this for you.
I love you.
You knew.
All along, you knew it would work.
I had a feeling.
I had a feeling too.
How come my feeling's the one that turned out to be wrong? First time for everything.
Amazing.
It just really I'm a bit thrown, to be honest.
Realistically, I couldn't go through with the whole Marcus thing and expect Charlie to stick around.
Not really.
Not after everything he said.
I thought it would end up like this.
I'm sorry.
That's OK.
You know, maybe this way I can start again.
Find love with somebody new.
Yeah.
Well then, you know, we're both officially single now, huh? Cougars? Come on, it'll be just like uni, you know, but now we've got grey pubes, and I've been wrong a total of once.
Shall I get Limoncello? Don't we have anything else? Baileys.
Do you wanna do them together? Yes? I had an appointment at 6.
30.
What? Well, I don't really like to go into it, but I have brought my comfort cushion.
No, I I there's no Sorry, is there a problem? You know what? To hell with it.
Sure, come on in.
Oh.
Have I come at a bad time? No.
No, not at all.
I just, um, I just don't know if I'm going to be seeing too many more clients, when word gets out.
When word gets out about what? My, um retirement.
Come on, let's get this farewell party started.
I haven't stopped walking.
What, is that a good idea, considering your health? I had to see you.
I've been talking to Mum, about all the stuff you and I have been through together.
All the dead guys.
I risked my life for you, the first time we went to bed together.
Yep.
She made me see that you'd kind of done the same thing for me.
Jan? She gets you, more than you think.
It's a big thing for me to get over you being with another guy.
Especially that one.
I know.
I love you.
I can't help it.
I love you too.
And I don't know, I think I think maybe we can work through this together.
Holy shit! It's not as bad as it looks.
There's no nails or anything.
What on earth are you doing? It's only right, as the second coming of Christ, that I sacrifice myself for the woman that I love.
To win her back.
To make her see destiny's path.
To make her believe that this is all you, by the way.
I don't know why I keep saying to her.
'Sorry, you're right there?' Zach, get down! Not until you say you love me.
Not a chance.
You serious? You're not going to take me back? Nuh.
Look at me! That's certainly part of it.
I'm sorry about the wedding.
I was an idiot.
I might not remember asking you to marry me, but I will this time, I promise.
Zach, this is pathetic.
Yay, weddings! I loved Zach.
I did.
You idiot.
I didn't need Jesus.
I would have married you.
Wait.
You're not going to go? EJ, this is very romantic! I could have had sex with someone else, you know.
She was very pretty, in a weird homely sort of way.
And she said I could do her up the bum! EJ? Ah, there you are, haemorrhoid-free.
Don't thank me, I abhor sentiment.
Up we hop, love.
I want to watch Q&A.
Are we enjoying a post-coital stunned silence, or a few grateful tears? Come on, wake up! Wake up! Oh my God.
We've swapped.
Holy shit, we've swapped.
Fuck you! Fuck you! Arghhhh!