Little Britain (UK) s02e06 Episode Script

Britain, Britain, Britain! I love Britain so much that every day I sacrifice a child in honour of it.
So thank the Lord, who incidentally is British, for the great things he has brought to this land.
Take A Break, Spearmint Rhino and Findus Crispy Pancakes.
But also let us give thanks for the people of Britain and it is them whom we'll be doing looking at today.
Boogaloo! Today Lou has arranged for Andy to go on a blind date.
I went on a blind date once with a border collie.
Nothing came of it, but we stay in touch.
- Can I have one of them chips? - No! - Please? - No.
Should have got your own.
- But I only had enough for one.
- Yeah, I know.
- Well, I don't want any chips now anyway.
- Nor do I.
- Are you excited about this date? - Yeah.
What date? - The date.
I set you up on a date with a lady.
- Yeah, I know.
Now, her name is Francesca and I said we'd meet her at the steps at five sharp.
She's early! Hello, Francesca! How are you? - Very well, thanks.
- That is good.
Now, this is Andy, who I was telling you about.
- Hello, Andy.
- I don't want that one.
- Why not? - She's in a wheelchair.
- I know she's in a wheelchair.
- Don't like her.
Well, it's early days.
I'll leave you two alone.
You don't need me here playing raspberry.
All right? Have a lovely time.
Well, Andy, I've heard a lot about you.
Aaaaaaaah! In Darkley Noone, Vicky Pollard's gang are keen to get on with their day's robbing.
Where is Vicky? She's so supposed to be here by now.
Got that black boyfriend now, ain't she? Probably with him.
She has well changed since she's gone with that Jermaine.
- Er, take your time, why don't you (?) - Vicky, where have you been? (JAMAICAN) No but, yeah but, no but, yeah but, no because somethin' happen' what I don't even know nothin' about, so shut up.
Me got me man, Jermaine.
We've been behind the water slides makin' babies.
So are you coming robbin' down Woollies with us later? Me don't know.
Me think about just hangin' with me man, cookin' up chicken and rice and peas, but, yeah but, no but, yeah.
It's up to Jermaine.
I'm his bitch now.
What say you? (POSH) I don't really know, Victoria.
I'm just happy to go with the flow.
Me man has spoken.
Woollies it is.
Rasta! Meaningwhile, at this restaurant in Chafe And a rocket salad.
Thank you.
Soyou still haven't heard from Alistair? No, I think he's gone back to that Sasha.
Sorry.
Well, I've been wanting to introduce you to my friend, Jonathan.
- Oh, yes? - He's single.
Works in the City.
Lovely apartment in the Docklands.
- Oh, so he's doing well? - Yes.
Bought a place in Provence.
- Oh, sounds wonderful.
- I've got a picture of him.
Oh, looks lovely.
Christianity is one of the most popular religions in Britain, with over 80 members.
(HYMN FINISHES) Please be seated.
Now, as you know, the Reverend Hartley is on an exchange trip to Harlem in New York.
So they've sent their reverend here to take the service this week.
Now, I imagine he's a little nervous, so I want you all to make him feel very welcome.
His name is Reverend Jesse King.
Hallelujah! I .
.
is from the ghetto! You .
.
is from the ghetto! We is all of the ghetto! So how we gonna get out the ghetto? I tell you how we's gonna get out the ghetto! We is gonna fight the power! Fight the power! Fight the power! What we gonna do, mama? - Fight the power, perhaps? - Praise the Lord! Hallelujah! Say praise be to Jesus! (THEY MUMBLE) - Say praise be to the Lord! - (QUIETLY) Praise be to the Lord.
- Say hi-de-hi-de-hi! - Hi-de-hi-de-hi.
- Say ho-de-ho-de-ho.
- Ho-de-ho-de-ho.
Go, go, go to the holiday rock! Praise the Lord.
Amen.
And now it is time to call upon Lord Jesus to come amongst us today and heal the sick and the lame.
Anyone here who can't walk? They can't do dat.
Anyone here with leprosy? Any lepers in the house? - Brother, what be your sickness? - Oh, I'm fine.
It's just a slight cough.
Come and join me, brother.
Jesus will cure you.
(COUGHS) Excuse me while I talk in tongues for a moment.
(GARBLED NONSENSE) - Well? - Still a bit tickly.
Try these.
He can walk! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! There is no greater shame in Britain than being fat.
I had a fat son, who, naturally, I gave up for adoption.
He's written several times saying he's lost weight and would like to meet up.
I'm not interested.
- What the hell's all this? - You know me and Pat have got engaged? - Yeah.
- We're having a party afterwards.
- We've been setting up all afternoon.
- Looks cheap.
OK Let's start with the Hang on a minute.
I didn't get my invitation.
No, well, it was just close friends and family.
- You're going? - Oh, yes.
- You? - Yeah.
- What about you, Meera? - Yes.
- Sorry? - Yes.
- Again.
- Yes! - No.
Do it again.
- Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Was that a ''yes'' or? I never know.
We need an interpreter, really.
- All this food's for the party? - Yeah.
- What are these? - Vol-au-vents.
Come on! We did vol-au-vents last week! Am I wasting my time? - Absolute calorie hot spots! - Marjorie! I'm only thinking of you, Pat.
I want to see you get down to a size 30.
- These? - Mini chipolatas.
Why not just stick shit through my letterbox? And what the hell is this supposed to be? I made it.
It's banoffee pie.
''Oh, I made it.
It's banoffee pie''! You are playing Russian roulade with their lives! If one of them has a single bite, they could drop down dead.
Shame on you, Tanya.
Boo! Hiss! Boo! We're just trying to have a party, Marjorie.
Yeah, you're right.
What am I thinking? Let's not worry about FatFighters today.
Have a lovely time and I wish you all the best for the future.
Today stage hypnotist Kenny Craig's three-date national tour has arrived in Snitch.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome hypnotist extraordinaire Kenny-y-y-y Craig-uh! Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you very much indeed and welcome to the show.
Look into my eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes.
Look into my eyes.
You're under.
In one hour's time I will click my fingers and you will all believe you witnessed a superb hypnotic comedy show, much better than Paul McKenna and that Derren whatsisname, and you will tell all your friends.
Hold the thought.
With this afternoon's Welsh gay rugby league match over, local fruit Dafydd Thomas is heading off to the pub.
- Hello, Dafydd.
- Yeah, I'm gay! Get over it! - There you go, Farmer Hughes.
- Thank you, my love.
Ten Bacardi and Cokes, please, Myfanwy.
- Oh, coming right up.
- In you come, fellows.
Come on, lads.
- Get in here.
- Oh, so who are all this lot, then? - They're from Bangor.
- Oh, right.
Llandewi Breffi played them today in the gay rugby league.
- Who won? - Bangor.
96-0.
What's happened to all our lot, then? Oh, no, it's just me.
I am the only gay in the village.
Funny.
I was here last week.
You couldn't move for cock.
- Yeah, it was non-stop bum fun.
- No, you're quite wrong.
I'd have played, but I never heard about it.
This was a gay team, for gays.
I've tugged the odd todger in my time.
Thank you, Farmer Hughes.
- Excuse me.
I'm a good winger.
- Yes, but you're married.
But I'm always cottaging.
- What about your wife? - She don't mind.
She's bi-curious herself.
- Disgusting! - So which toilets do you use, then? - The one in the park, of course.
- I thought I'd seen you through the glory hole.
I think I'm a bit old now for the rugby, but I'm a big fan of fisting.
Is there nobody in this pub who isn't gay?! Well, I indulged in mutual masturbation when I was younger.
Does that count? - What about you, Mr Jenkins? - Since I've retired I've discovered the joys of rimming.
Right.
That is it.
I've had it with this village.
I'm leaving! Goodbye! - But where are you going? - As far away from here as possible.
Where gay people are not welcome, where I am the only one.
- Where? - I've got two uncles in San Francisco! There.
Ohhh! Oh, so he's in the army.
(CLEARS THROAT) Oh, yeah.
3, 2, 1.
You're back in the room.
Thank you.
Thank you very much indeed.
You've been a great audience.
Thank you very much.
Don't forget to tell your friends.
Good night! She's taking bloody ages with these drinks.
Oh! Thank you very much.
- Oh, it's a shame about Jonathan.
- He just talked about himself the whole night.
- Well, I have a friend.
Have you met Rupert? - I don't think I have.
More a friend of Simon's.
Just split up with his girlfriend.
- Oh? What's he like? - He's lovely.
Very good-looking.
He's an architect.
I've got a picture of him, I think.
Oh, yes.
Hm.
Looks familiar.
- He was at Harriet's wedding.
- Did he have longer hair? Before you can get divorced in Britain, you need to get married.
For Harvey and Jane, the big day has finally arrived.
(HYMN FINISHES) And now it is time for Jane and Harvey to make their wedding vows.
Do you, Harvey Tobias Jerome Pincher, take Jane Louise Edwards to be your lawful wedded wife? Bitty.
I'm sorry? - Bitty.
- No, it's ''I do''.
I know, but hungry.
I want bitty.
- Harvey, I fed you on the way here! - We're eating in an hour.
- Do you want me to go? - No, no, no, Mummy.
I'm terribly sorry.
It's a lovely service.
Carry on.
Er, do you, um .
.
take this woman to be your lawful, wedded wife? I do.
And do you, Jane Louise Edwards, take this .
.
man .
.
to be your lawful, wedded husband? Um I do.
I now declare you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
In Troot, theatrical agent Jeremy Rent is working hard for his stellar list of clients.
Hello.
This is a message for the editor of ''OK!'' magazine.
Jeremy Rent here.
My client, Liza Goddard, has just had a new loft extension.
I'm offering you an exclusive on it for £30.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Goodbye.
- (INTERCOM BUZZES) - Dennis Waterman here to see you.
Lovely.
Send him in.
- Hello! It's raining cats and dogs out there! - Hello, Dennis.
Let me take that from you.
Yes.
- You sound a bit bunged up.
- Yeah.
Bit of a cold.
- Here.
Have a tissue.
- Have you not got any man-size? No.
(BLOWS NOSE) - Now, I've had a call from George Lucas.
- Oh, the man who done ''Howard The Duck''.
- Yes.
And ''Star Wars''.
- Oh, he done that as well? Anyway, he's making a brand-new ''Star Wars'' film and he wants you to be Obi-Wan's cousin, Kenneth Kenobi.
Nice.
They want me to star in it, write the theme tune, sing the theme tune? - No, they've got their own music.
- Tell him to get stuffed.
Dennis, ''Star Wars'' is a very big deal and can make you an awful lot of money.
They'd even make an action figure of you.
Like this.
Oh! Life-size! - Well? - # In a galaxy far away in space # Dennis # Bad men had taken over space # Dennis! # I've got a good idea Just you keep me near # I'll be so good for the Rebel Alliance! # Obviously, it will sound a bit better on the day.
I'm still a bit snotty.
Here.
Try this.
Man, that's good! It's half past Wilhelm and at this health spa Mr Hutton is taking an important meeting.
Meetings are when people who need to meet meet and have a meeting.
Mr Hutton! A word.
Mrs DeVere, I'm in the middle of a meeting.
Why have you told Gita I can't have any more treatments until my bill has been paid? That's correct, yes.
This is the lady.
Her bill has been unpaid for five months now.
Why don't you take a photo? It lasts longer.
- Mrs DeVere, please leave.
- Aren't you going to introduce me? - This is Mrs DeVere.
- Call me Bubbles.
- This is Mr Byfield.
He's head of accounts.
- Yes.
- Mr Shah, in charge of our legal side.
- Oh, yes.
- This is Miss Crozier.
- Hm.
And Sir Anthony Garfield, who's the owner.
Oh, the owner.
Oh, Sir Tony, it is a great pleasure to make your acquaintance.
Hello.
Champagne! Sir Tony, what sort of qualities do you look for in a woman? You're sitting on my report! I do apologise.
Is this more comfortable? No! - Mrs DeVere, will you please leave? - Very well.
Oh! You dropped your pen.
I'm winking, darling.
Get out! Meet me in the Jacuzzi in 15 minutes.
It's nought o'clock and at this shop in Phlegm, Mr Man is looking for a record.
I myself own two records, both ''No Parlez'' by Paul Young.
- Hello.
How can I - I would like to purchase a record of James Last playing the hits of Nelly Furtado on the banjo.
And I would like a picture on the cover of James Last holding out his hands displaying stigmata.
Certainly.
Thank you.
Does it have sleeve notes by Dr Graeme Garden? Yes! Thank you.
So, do you think you'll see Rupert again? - No, thank you.
- Did you ever meet Simon's brother, Tom? - No, I don't think I did.
- I think I've got a picture of them together.
Oh, yes.
Oh! I can see the family resemblance.
Today in the charming village of Pox, the village green is host to a bring-and-buy sale.
Last year's bring-and-buy sale was very successful and raised over £1.
20.
- Slow today, isn't it? - Yes.
Oh, hello! - Would you like a gingerbread man each? - Oh, thank you.
How delightful! - Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
Oh, delicious! Did you make these? No.
Anisha did.
No, Maggie, please.
She's just a child.
Did you talk to Valerie about the Barnardo's job? Run along.
At Number 10, the government is celebrating another election victory.
I love an election.
In fact, I'm having one right now.
- Here's to a third term! - (CHEERING) - You did it! - We did it.
What about me? Sebastian, thank you.
You know I couldn't have done it without you.
(MUSIC: ''CARELESS WHISPER'') # Ohhh, ohhhh-ohhh # - Um - This is nice, isn't it? Um Eryes.
It's going to be a very hectic day tomorrow.
- I'll need your help, shepherding all the MPs - Ssh! Ssh! - 23 new Members.
It's going to be quite - Ssh! - Prime Minister, I'd just like to say - (MOUTHS) Oh Oh! Whoa! Ah.
Don't fight it, Prime Minister.
This is a verya very long song, isn't it? # Moving on up, moving on up # I'll be back in a while.
I'm going totalk to the Chancellor.
(WEEPING) - Sebastian, will you? Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I don't want to speak out of turn, but .
.
do you perhaps have the slightest crush on me? Whatever gave you that idea? No.
I just wanted to say well done.
Oh, well, thank you.
Thank you.
Well done.
Oh, hello! As a special treat, Lou has taken Andy to the popular coastal town of Sphincter-on-Sea.
Right.
Tell me when.
Fine.
Fine.
Fine.
Fine.
(HORN BLARES) - I wanna go swimming.
- Oh, no.
Not today.
It's very cold in there and I'd need someone else to help you get in and out.
I haven't even brought your trunks.
It would be a right kerfuffle.
- I wanna go swimming! - You don't like swimming in the sea.
You said the sea is a dark and brutal force that has dragged many an innocent to a watery grave.
- Yeah, I know.
- You stay there.
I'll go and get you a choc ice.
Hello, Mr Choc-Ice Seller.
What types of choc ice have you got today? You've got your plain chocolate and your milk chocolate? What's the main difference between the two? The milk one is creamier.
It's sweeter, isn't it? - Then there's the plain chocolate - It has a dark and bitter edge to it.
It's not to everybody's taste.
But some people do prefer the plain over the milk.
It's very interesting, that.
If you had to pick between the two, what would you choose? - Plain.
- You'd choose the plain one? All right.
Let me try one plain one, then.
Thank you.
There you go.
That's the best choc ice you can get.
All right, thanks a lot.
Here we are, my young friend.
Is there a reason why you're naked? And so another remarkable series of ''Little Britain'' comes to an end.
If you have enjoyed the series and you see me in the street, you may like to come up to me and caress my thighs and buttocks.
Good pie!