Little Dog (2018) s02e06 Episode Script

1 Last week on Little Dog, Mom did it she actually did it! - What's with the outfit? - I can marry whoever the hell I want to! She married the Devereaux creep! Although she made it clear that I was still - My best man.
- Having been challenged by Little Turk to a real fight because Tommy killed Little Turk's father in the ring.
And the fight could be a big one, so Tucker partnered up with Smallwood Turns out this shameful little fight I got coming up is pretty lucrative.
Tommy says he'll buy Mom's house back for her.
Yeah, sure he will.
He wasn't even invited to the wedding! OK.
So everyone's clear on what we're going to say to Mom today? Listen, fat chance Lowly Jr.
is going to go against her.
He will.
He better.
We have to gang up on her, so she can't hide.
Look, if it's in Mom's best interest, I'll say anything.
Isn't it a little late for an intervention? She already married Devereaux.
Yeah, but now she's had a few nights to really wallow in the horror of being married to him, so Do you guys think they, uh [CLICKS TONGUE.]
consummated the - [ALL.]
: No! - Christ! Which is why we still have time.
It's not too late.
- We can annul this marriage.
- Ginny, just remind me why do we care? 'Cause she's our mother, and she's lost her mind since she lost the house.
So we just gotta talk a little sense into her.
I don't know.
That castle sounds pretty sweet.
Mom can put up with a lot.
No, we have to break her.
So, yeah, I'll just sort of reduce her to a sniveling pile on the floor and then build her back up.
It's actually quite simple.
Is this piss all over the floor? - Wasn't me.
- Yeah, it was the boy.
What? He never hits the bowl.
Every single time he goes.
That's what you get for not having a dad around.
- He had Rico.
- Exactly.
It's a wonder he can hit the bowl when he's sitting on it.
He doesn't have bad aim.
He has a a hypospadias penis.
- What in the fuck is that? - It's not a big deal, it just means that there's a slit instead of a hole where the pee comes out.
It makes him a sloppy pee-er.
If I'd been around, I'd know this already, wouldn't I, 'cause I would've changed his diaper and it would've been all hanging out for everybody to see.
Now he's five, I can't very well go up to him and say: "Hey, let me see your dick", 'cause it's creepy.
I'm serious, Pam.
I would've liked to know, you know, scientific things.
- Want me to draw it for you? - It's not the same.
How are we gonna get Mom to agree to go to one of Ginny's stupid seminars? She's not gonna go if she knows we're gonna gang up on her.
No, of course not.
That's why you're telling her we're gonna gang up on Tommy.
Yeah, she's not gonna want to miss that.
Cassius, you finish this off.
Try not to arse it up.
Your uncle Lowly gotta go on a rescue mission.
Tommy Ross.
You are the rotten apple in a basket full of sweet, crisp apples.
And you've spread your rot, so that now, all the apples in the basket are bad.
That's good.
That's very powerful.
Can I make one note? - Go ahead.
- I don't think that all of the apples are necessarily bad.
Me, for example.
I can't help but feel that his rot - hasn't touched me yet.
- What I'm trying to say is that he has negatively affected our family.
Oh, yes, and I agree on that point, but Maybe I should say that he's the black sheep of the family and that he doesn't belong.
Yeah, that's probably racist.
I mean, sheep of all colours can graze together.
Why don't you write it? How are you going to get him to come to this thing, anyway? Oh, he thinks it's an attack on you.
Oh, well, then he'll be first at the door, won't he? Mrs.
Devereaux! - Shall we go? - Ha, ha, ha! Sorry, sir, you must be mistaken.
This seminar is for Ross family members only.
I am married to your mother.
That gets me a free pass, young man.
- Is that true? - You were at the wedding, Lowly.
No, I mean can he still go to the seminar even though technically he's not a Ross family member? I don't think he's invited.
Look, the man is going to die any day soon, - so suck it up.
- Yeah, about that did you see the medical records where they says he's dying? Of course I did.
Do you think I'm a fool? [SOBBING LOUDLY.]
OK, so what we're gonna do is, before we dive right in, I want you each to go around the room and look at each other in the eyes for five seconds in silence, OK? In silence.
I want you to really see the humanity behind the hatred.
And the hatred behind the humanity, 'cause we are both.
- Begin! - OK Go look at someone in the eyes! What? What is wrong? - No talking.
- OK, is the staring supposed to be glaring, - 'cause - There's.
No.
Talking.
OK.
We were fine five minutes ago.
Whoa, whoa, why'd you stop looking at me to look at Tommy? - Just moving on.
- Ha! Don't look at me, - skip right over to Dad.
- Did you look at me? I didn't see.
Ginny, can we start again? I don't think it's appropriate that you continue to look adoringly at my wife! I'll look at whoever the hell I want to look at, - but I won't be looking at you.
- Come on, OK.
[ALL TALKING AT THE SAME TIME.]
Mom? - Will you back off? - [AIR HORN.]
Jesus Christ, OK? Thank you.
[TIME OF THE SEASON BY THE ZOMBIES PLAYING.]
Where's Chesley? What's your name? Who's your daddy? Is he rich like me? Has he taken any time To show you what you need to live? Uh, hello? Anyone home? I really want to know It's the time of the season For loving Yeah, well, I'm on this three-day juice cleanse, so You'd rather be peeing all night than having a bowl of my pudding? Well, the thing Hello? Hello, what are you doing here? - Do you know this person? - You're that Ross kid.
You broke into my house? - I'm going to call the police.
- Um He knows me.
We're connected.
- Kevin, what is he talking about? - I don't know.
We're related.
My mom didn't want to tell you that, um I'm your son and you're my dad.
OK.
OK.
So.
Families are dysfunctional, right? Usually, the source of the dysfunction is hard to track down.
That's what we're gonna do here today.
- I'll go first.
- No, I'll go first Can you see how we're gonna spin for it? 'Cause I just dragged this thing over here with the names on it, yeah? OK, so - Lowly Jr.
- [APPLAUSE.]
Go for it, Lo.
I was born first, and I came into the world happy.
I believe that first year, Dad was in jail, or missing.
- In jail.
- It was just me and Mom.
From what I recall and those stories, Mom was a little unhinged that first year.
Yeah, and every year after.
Because, as it turns out, Dad had knocked her up about a month after I was born, before he went MIA.
That poor woman, - she's suffered through so much misery - Um, stay focused, Lowly.
From the moment Dad's sperm fused with Mom's egg to make a zygote that would one day develop into the scourge of this family known as Thomas Edward Ross.
No offense, Tommy.
- Yeah! - Well said, Lowly.
Lo, I need you to Remember what we talked about? No, Tommy.
Just a few more things.
Thank you.
And all that brings me back to my initial point, which is that Mom is a saint, and Tommy, even though you are my brother, well, truth be told, I think we would all be better off if you were never born.
Fuckin' horrible.
Ginny, that's me! Oh, wow, OK.
God, where do I even start? OK, jeez.
Mom, you're driving me crazy! I mean, you always drive me crazy, but particularly in the last few weeks you've been living with me.
You're just so bossy and rude - and demanding - I agree! And that is another reason why Tommy is such a scourge.
He lost my house and he tried to drive a wedge between us.
We were always so close.
Do you remember when you were a little girl, we used to dress the same and I'd put your hair in two little pigtails.
And then I had to stop Yeah, because Tommy pulled them hard and gave me that big bald spot.
[WHEEL SPINNING.]
I mean, I came here to vent my frustrations about Sylvia, but now that I'm here, honestly, she was the one person who kept in touch with me the whole time that Tommy froze me out, so Yes, Tommy paints her in a really negative light, which can be confusing, but at the end of the day, Sylvia's not a bad person, and Tommy, you sometimes don't give her enough credit.
- Sorry.
- [APPLAUSE.]
And I feel my marriage failed because too often I took Tommy's side when I shouldn't have.
When I look back on it, I think that Tommy manipulated me to take his side.
I never should have gone against you, Sylvia.
Please, please, - give me another chance.
- Christ, can I please get a turn? - Finally.
- Chesley, there you are.
- Wait, hang on, what's going on here? - You lied to me.
You told me that Smallwood was my father.
Ha, ha, ha! And you fell for it? Ha, ha, ha! Did you never look into a mirror? You're as white as the driven snow! - OK, sometimes it's hard to tell.
- If you're black, - you can tell.
- I couldn't tell.
Ches, I'm sorry I lied to you.
OK, I wanted to give you something to believe in, right, like Santa.
Remember how much you enjoyed believing in Santa? Tell the youngster who his father is.
It's abusive.
Who cares who the father is? I'm sick of this father shit, it's out of control.
If you sneeze and I catch a cold, do you try to say half the cold is yours? Do you pay for half my codeine prescription? No! You walk away.
I suffer alone.
Jesus.
Are you calling me a sneeze? I'm calling you a cold.
- It's a metaphor.
- Ginny, just tell us who the father is, OK? You know what? This seminar's over.
No, no, no.
I didn't even get a turn.
- Lowly, get her legs.
- Chesley! Lowly! [GRUNTING.]
Own your own asshole, isn't that what you say? Quit hiding your shame, - face the truth.
- Stop being a family cancer.
- Get off! - Mom, I love you, but if you don't tell me, I won't ever speak to you again.
Quit it, Ginny, come on.
Alright! Alright, alright, alright! Chesley, I will tell you.
I just don't want to tell him yet, so can we speak privately, please? Don't wanna tell who? Smallwood? - Or is my dad in the room? - Oh, God, just shoot me in the fucking face, please.
No, Ches, there's nobody here except family and Smallwood.
And Devereaux.
Jesus Christ, Ginny.
What are they talking about? My God! - It's Devereaux! - Yes, that's right.
I did have relations with her once, many years ago.
I was very drunk - at the time.
- I was drunk.
I was so drunk.
He was a lot more put together back then.
It was Tommy's fault! Tommy was supposed to pick me up and he didn't show, so what am I gonna do? It was either sleep in a lobster pot, or Devereaux's bed.
- Tommy, man.
- First my daughter, and now my wife! You're a dead man! You're gonna have to get your stomach pumped to scratch your balls! [GRUNTING.]
OK.
This was fascinating.
Can we go? - I have to use the washroom.
- Now? It's the cleanse.
[GRUNTING.]
How dare you marry me, knowing you had sex with my daughter? You look so young, I think of you both as sisters.
If you think stupid flattery works on me, you have a very disappointing few months ahead of ya.
Mrs.
Devereaux, please Remember, I am dying.
Oh, you don't need to remind me.
Lowly, go get some tissue for that nose, you're bleeding all over your shirt.
Hm? Oh.
You all right, Ches? Yeah.
I just thought I was half-black, but it turns out I'm half-British and half-old.
Well, listen, biology's got nothing to do with life, alright? Didn't they teach you that in school? Soon enough now you'll be able to cut loose on your own and you can go be whoever or whatever you want to be, regardless of who your father is.
You hear me? Yeah.
It's not gonna be a big thing.
Auntie, let's go.
Ginny, goodbye.
Good luck with your seminar thing.
Aaaugh! WTF, man? D'you ever hear, "Be a sweetie, wipe the seatie?" Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
I was in a rush and I got this condition - with my equipment - It's the hypospadias penis.
- Auntie, please - It's the Smallwood family curse.
It's genetic.
Genetic? But I don't have it.
No How does Cassius have it if it's genetic? Cassius has a hypospadias penis? - I don't think it's that, exactly - No, it is.
That's exactly what you called it.
You and I That night after the marketing course, we had a couple drinks, it was right before you started dating Rico.
You had sex with Smallwood? What's going on? What's happening? Pamela! OK, alright, let me just set the record straight.
OK? I never actually said - that Tommy was Cassius's father.
- Yes, you did.
- Excuse me? - No, no, you did.
I just never said that he wasn't.
So he's not mine? [SYLVIA.]
: Well, she's played us all for fools, hasn't she? Poor youngster.
Is he mine? Do not get excited until you see - the paternity results.
Let's go.
- Pamela, I'll be in touch.
- I hope it's true.
- Move.
This is very exciting.
Well, that's the end of the seminar.
Thanks for coming, everyone.
Fuck.
Oh, Sylvia You said tonight would be the night.
That was before I found out you slept with my daughter, wasn't it? Will you ever forgive me? I haven't decided yet.
Good night.
Good night Good night.
Thank you, Jesus.
Thank you.
Chesley? Are you in here? No.
I'm sorry.
Come on.
You and Pamela shouldn't be allowed to have kids.
Mothers aren't supposed to lie.
Mothers can be whatever the fuck they want.
And I'm not the same as Pamela.
This is the worst thing that you could do to someone.
Ches, the day you were born was the very best day of my life.
And I swore from that day on that I would protect you from anyone who might ever make you feel like you were less than perfect, 'cause you're perfect.
I didn't want to give stupid Devereaux the chance to reject you.
Just anything, you know? I wanted to be enough.
I guess I'm not.
Guess you're not.
Well, then I will just have to love Burger Baby.
It will just be me and that burger baby 'Cause my burger baby, he'll always love me 'Cause he's just a little burger baby Come on! Love me like Burger Baby loves me, please! - Don't! - Love me like Burger Baby! Well, now I'm hungry and I want burgers.
You want burgers? I think we got, like, three frozen ones left.
- Sure.
- Yes! [SOFT MUSIC.]
[SIGHING.]
I'm sorry.
I just wanted it to be true.
You don't know what you put me through And I know you wanted it, too.
I know you think that I am a horrible person, but Tommy, look at my life.
I just so wanted him to come into the world with two parents who really loved each other, not [BLOWING AIR HORN.]
Not some stupid rebound thing.
[BLOWING AIR HORN.]
I know you're mad.
But I am really willing to work on things.
OK? Because I really do actually love you - [BLOWING AIR HORN.]
- I really love you! Even though you're an asshole! Yeah you don't know What you put me through You don't know why I'm on the ground I've been sitting here since you let me down No more girl can mold this frown You don't know why I'm on the ground