Lopez (2016) s02e06 Episode Script

1 [George.]
Hector! Not Amir's wife.
What you doing, dude? Of course.
I'm not ashamed.
Oh, we know.
Damn, what What the hell are you doing, Hector? I think they called it second base in your day.
Okay, very funny.
Listen, here's the thing.
You don't go messing with the women at work, okay? You ever hear the expression you don't shit where you eat? Well, you really don't shit where I pay almost $3,000 a month to play golf.
Well, where do you want me to [quietly whistles.]
It's not that.
This is a life lesson, okay? You don't have sex at work.
Okay, you know Helen right there? You know what they call her here at the club? The 19th hole.
The 19th Oh! Yes.
It's kind of funny.
There's a lot of writers here.
But here's the thing.
She's trouble and she's looking for trouble.
And you don't need trouble.
No! That's how I get into trouble I can't help it, George, you know? MILFs, cougars They can't keep their hands off me.
I know, listen, you're a handsome guy.
Okay, but you got a great opportunity here.
And I don't wanna see you mess it up.
So, you want me to stop having sex with Helen at the club? You're already having sex at the club?! No, no, mostly in the walk-in refrigerator, and a few times in the in the pool shed.
Nowhere.
Don't have sex anywhere, okay? Sorry I let you down.
You didn't let me down, but here's the thing, man.
A job is very important.
You gotta do whatever you can do to protect it.
How'd you learn that? I learned it the hard way, by my mistakes! I wasn't like you having sex with everybody, all right? Alright? I learned it by AM radio.
That's what you probably need to get, an AM radio.
Keeps you calm.
And wear a condom all the time.
Like, all the time! Come on, I'll give you a ride home, cochino.
So you don't want me working at the club anymore? No, there's too many bad influences there.
I shoulda known.
Think I just want you to stick with me for right now.
It's a really nice club, though.
Yeah, of course, come on.
[door closes.]
Oh, man, I can't get used to you in those glasses.
What'd your optometrist say? You have to look like an idiot the whole time? Only if I wanna see.
You know, I was thinking You know that restaurant, the Odyssey, that overlooks the Valley? I'm thinking about using that place as, like, the headquarters for my character on my new show.
I gotta get this thing rolling already, though.
It must be frustrating, jefe.
Yeah, but, you know, I still have the grill to work on.
All right.
[doorbell rings.]
Hector? Get the door! [doorbell chimes.]
Is somebody gonna get the door?! Come on.
[Manolo.]
They're gonna see you! Anybody gonna get the door? Get down! What do you mean "get down?" What are you guys doing? Oh, man.
Those friends of yours, Hector? - [doorbell chimes.]
- No! [man at door.]
Manolo! Hector! Have you heard the good news about Jesus Christ? Oh, man, Triumph Seekers? Man, those the dudes that got Mike.
He was never the same.
Stopped drinking and got married.
He had kids, destroyed him.
When I was getting out, they said they'll find me.
And keep me from straying.
Did you pray with them? They were in the yard.
Hey seemed okay at the time.
That's all right, I think they're leaving, hang on.
We're clear.
- [exhales.]
- Listen, I love Jesus a lot.
Those guys go overboard.
I love Jesus.
I even have a tattoo of Him.
But those guys are hardcore.
All they wanna do is love Jesus.
They're persuasive, too, like, when they talk, they got, like, hypnotic powers.
Mike, remember that time they had him? Holding up traffic, grabbing that cross out in the middle of the street? They seem so at peace, it's unsettling.
They they say masturbating's a sin.
Is that true, George? You know, I can understand the question, because a lot of people your age, gamers, that's a big concern they have.
I would say don't abuse it.
And don't in Erica's room, 'cause that's a sin in the house, like a like a house sin.
Hey, what are you doing? Nothing, just thinking.
Well, would you mind, uh, thinking without those glasses on? Then I can't read.
You know, ever since I got these glasses, I've been reading recreationally.
That's what Wendy calls reading for fun.
Congratulations, but you know what? Those glasses make you look pompous.
And if I didn't know you, and we weren't tight, I'd probably get another dude probably jack that chain off your neck.
- [knock on door.]
- Oh! They're back! - What are you do - Get, get, back up! What? Your Triumph Seekers? Honestly, y'all should not be living in such fear of the good word.
You could use a little bit of guidance.
Listen, man, don't let 'em in the house.
They're like vampires for the Lord.
Once they get in your house, they don't leave.
Well, I was raised in the church.
I know how to handle these type of people.
- I'm a - Hi.
- Oh.
- [gasps.]
You.
- Hey.
- Great news.
We are all set for the meeting at GVN.
Oh, wow, that's great.
And I did some due diligence.
This is the best shopping network on TV.
It's owned by this one woman, Lori Strahan.
She built it from the ground up, and now she's a billionaire.
Anyway, her VP of Marketing's gonna be in the meeting, - and he can pull the trigger.
- Wow, that's amazing.
Hey, what about "Valleys"? Any word on that? We are getting close to locking down a VBDW.
Well, what What's a VBDW? A "very big deal writer", George.
Wow, that's great, Olly, nice work.
- [alert pings.]
- Pfeiffer? No! No! [exhales.]
George, do you have a Dr.
Pepper? Pfeiffer's thirsty.
I don't I have to check.
Where is she? - I made her wait in the car.
- Oh.
- [alert pings.]
- Oh, definitely no! Jason just wants a quickie! Don't you want him in a good mood for the pitch? Wait a minute, that's not Jason, our network executive, is it? Yes that's that Jason.
Your your sister is having sex with Jason, our network executive? That can't be good.
Or could it be very good? Okay, I don't see it, but just to be safe, make sure that your sister keeps having sex with him.
Will do.
The Smith Goldberg sisters are on the case.
I didn't say you, I said her.
Hmm, right, good.
To be clear, I'm not having sex with anyone.
Fantastic, let me see if I got a Dr.
Pepper.
But just let him meet with George.
What? So, that's the fifth writer at your agency who's become unavailable while we're on the phone.
No, I'm not calling you a liar, but I think we can agree you are ly-ing! Ugh! I'm not getting anywhere with these stupid agents.
I need to talk directly to the writers.
Why don't you just slide into their DMs? Don't try to out hip me.
I was the youngest manager at Four Arts.
So you know what I'm talking about? - No.
- Okay.
A DM is a Direct Message.
Anytime I wanna bone someone fancy, I just find their Twitter, their Instagram, their Twitch, whatever and send 'em a message.
They respond because it's seen as personal connection.
Except I don't want to bone them.
Yeah! They don't know that, though.
And they'll respond and then pretend like they didn't just think you wanted to bone.
Hmph.
- That's actually worth a try.
- Mm-hmm.
But your boning could be a little bit of a problem for me.
Yeah? But you're already having sex with Jason, so keep doing that.
Finish what you started and everything.
But just don't bone anyone else that I'm trying to do business with, okay? - Does that make sense? - Yeppers.
Okay.
If this DM things works, I might consider loving you.
[loud smack.]
[grunts.]
Mr.
Lopez, we are all huge fans and are very excited about your product idea.
Oh, thank you so much, you know, I I was hoping I would be better prepared, but, uh Hey, what does this do? Makes the perfect omelet.
Oh, what about this? Makes the perfect waffle.
Yeah, well, I don't have uh, actually have any grills made.
I wanted to before we met, but, um Not a problem.
Miss Strahan, uh We had no idea you were even in the country.
I wasn't, until I heard George Lopez was coming for a meeting.
Wow.
Okay, well, welcome, uh Can I pitch my grill now? George, you don't need to sell me.
I'm a very big fan.
George, it is truly a pleasure to meet you.
Wait a minute, is that a World Series ring? '88 Dodgers.
I thought you'd never notice.
Kirk Gibson gave it to me.
So you're a Kirk Gibson fan or are you a Dodger fan? Oh, no, I bleed Dodger blue.
Now, can I have my hand back? Oh, yes, of course, I'm sorry.
[all chuckling.]
I know you're a big Dodger fan.
Who do you hate more? The Giants or Donald Trump? Oh, wow, that's, uh [clearing throat.]
Wow, Donald Trump's not in our division.
But I think I have enough hate for Donald Trump and the San Francisco Giants and a little left over, you know, for "The Wall.
" [laughter.]
I don't believe you.
Oh, believe him.
He does.
Who is this? I'm Hector, Hector Lopez.
Not his son.
No, he's not my son.
He's just, uh, hanging out with us today.
Everybody have a seat.
Uh, not you.
I'm taking you on a tour.
Show you what you're getting into.
- Oh, all right.
- Follow me.
I have to get out more.
Like, I'm having trouble coming up with stuff that piss me off for my rants.
If I put on Fox News, I'm sure something will come up.
- You can't! - Why? - George put a block on it.
- When? What? Man, this stuff is hard, bro.
And so much of it.
Math, History, English.
It's really killing me.
You'll do great, but not if you stress yourself out.
You need to blow off some steam.
Really? Yup, and I know just the place.
I'm taking you down to where they call Rodeo Drive "ro-dee-oh.
" Get your phone, let's go.
- You like black people? - Yeah.
- A lot of 'em? - Yeah.
It doesn't look like much, but it gets the job done.
I sell for dough not for show.
You sound like a golfer.
Drive for show and putt for dough.
I know my way around the links.
In fact, I sold four million Caddy Daddies last year.
- Oh, that was you? - Mm-hmm.
Wow, me and my friends all have those.
Now this is Studio One.
That'll be yours.
The control room is right there.
Call stations are throughout the building so when you make your CTA, we have all hands on deck to take orders.
Okay, uh, CTA? CTA, "Call To Action.
" That's when you tell your viewers to pick up the phone and order.
If they don't, they might just sit back and watch you.
But, George, when you make your CTA, they will run across the room and make those orders.
How do you know that? Because I know sellers.
And you can sell.
- So, just relax.
- Okay.
All you need to do is show up and be you.
[sighs.]
Oh, all right.
Well, I can do that.
And I'll take care of everything.
- All right.
- Trust me.
I trust you.
I'm gonna show you something else.
- You're gonna love this.
- Okay.
[Olly clears throat.]
You know, you guys don't have to stay here with us.
Yes, we do.
We have not been dismissed.
Oh, Lori runs a tight ship, huh? [phone vibrating.]
[clears throat.]
Oh! Oh! My God, A DM reply! [gasps.]
DM is Direct Message.
And it works.
I love you.
Thank you.
Isn't she pretty? [George.]
Oh, man, wow, that was great! Yeah, well, it's one of those days, 'cause I've got even greater great.
We've got a meeting with our top writer, Baxter Levy.
Oh, my God, we're rolling! Hey, isn't Lori great? I mean, like, really, really, really impressive.
Beautiful and impressive, wow! Hey, George, don't shit where you eat, right? What are you talk You're talking about that, that No! Come on, shut up.
When's the meeting? - 2:00.
- All right, we should loop Coco in - and make sure that she's there.
- Good idea.
Oh, hey.
Thank you so much for inviting me.
- Baxter Levy is a great writer.
- Right.
You know he dated Megan Fox? And Olivia Munn? Oh, that's good to know for the meeting and stuff.
- Oh, and last year's "Bachelorette.
" - Oh, her too? I want "Valleys" to make some noise.
I want it to be visceral and real.
You know, I'm a huge fan of your work, and I think you could take this project to the next level.
- Alec Monopoly! - Ah, what's up, George? What's up, Alec? Oh, that's Alec Monopoly.
That dude's art is L.
A.
Oh, well, maybe we should have you do some set designs for "Valleys.
" Yeah, I'm gonna take a break from my museum shows.
Whoops.
George, I wanna be honest with you because lying is for liars and sociopaths.
I hate everything you've done.
Well, then What am I doing here? When I heard that you had Coco, I knew you were pushing some envelopes.
I like pushing envelopes.
And I like surprising people.
People are gonna say, "Baxter, you've won Emmys.
Why are you working with George Lopez?" And then we'll show them.
And then we'll turn their perceptions inside out.
All right, that's what I'm into.
That's what I'm So, you're in? I'm gonna take Coco for a ride.
And then we'll talk business.
[engine revs.]
Well, this has been an interesting day, wouldn't you say? [hip-hop playing, people cheering.]
Yeah, thanks, y'all! Check me out on Facebook! [cheering continues.]
Yo, I'm not sure I fit in.
Everybody's staring at us.
Oh, it's nothing.
Ay yo! Maronzio! Dude, rant on me.
Come on, something about me's gotta piss you off! Just you having a boyfriend.
Ahh! A'ight! Ay, live stream me baby! Ahh! Hey! I think I'm breaking through the Twittersphere, my friend! - Nice! - Yeah.
Yo, they got an open mic! - Say what? - Get on stage! Big white boy can rap? Hey, they think I'm white! Get on the stage! [whooping and cheering.]
[rapping in Spanish.]
Miss Wendy?! Yeah, looks like somebody gonna get some extra credit.
"Just trust me.
" Huh.
Oh, man, this grill is working better than I had imagined.
- Look at that char! - And indoors.
This is a great grill.
Authentic Mexican flavor without the authentic Mexican mess or finding an oil drum or burning furniture for, like, that mesquite taste.
Jefe, if you don't need me next Thursday, I was gonna go back to open mic night and rap again.
Yeah, of course.
But, listen, hey Don't let that get in the way of of your studies, cholo.
Oh, he don't have to worry about his studies.
- [chuckling.]
- He's right.
As a matter of fact, Wendy's already a big fan.
Wendy, who? Wendy, your GED teacher? Yeah, we stood up all night talking and doing her nails.
Let me tell you something.
No, that, that, that's a mistake, that's no good.
Manolo, you can't mix business and pleasure.
I don't know why, but George knows.
I'ma tell both of you why.
Because both of you guys are convicted felons and you have probation officers.
And the last thing either of you guys need is trouble.
But we're not dating.
She's just helping me out.
Manolo, I saw how she looked at you.
Serious dick eye.
Listen, Manolo, you can't date your teacher.
Why not?! You dated your daughter! I didn't date my daughter, all right? That was a mistake.
I don't believe in rules or boundaries.
Like, take Chandra and I.
We never got married.
But we never really broke up.
And she doesn't hold me back.
Save that for the couch over there with Jerry Springer.
Listen, don't listen to this fool right here.
If he was in prison, you know where you'd see him? In the bakery, man, crying, making his own dough from the tears.
He's a mistake waiting to happen.
I'm blowing up.
Oh, my God, you made me burn my machaca! All right, thanks, thank you, thank you.
[Lori.]
George Oh, when do we start rehearsing? Oh, we go live in five minutes.
- What? - George, I want you to be you.
I want it to be honest, and I want it to be real because I know you can sell.
Okay, damn right I can sell.
The only thing I don't want you to do is hump the price.
The star never humps the price.
I'm sorry, can you I got this.
Can you say it again? The star never humps the price.
It demeans the star and the product.
Right.
Who does hump the price? Your co-host.
Who's my co-host? Well, 70% of our audience is women, so we want someone with energy and charisma and someone who is drop-dead gorgeous.
Him.
Me? - Him? - I can't do this.
Yes, you can.
And you are going to be great.
Trust me.
[whispering.]
I'll be watching.
Hi, everybody, I'm George Lopez.
And I'm here [chuckles.]
I'm here to sell you a grill! The George Lopez Indoor Mexican Grill from America's favorite Mexican, George Lopez, that's me.
[bleep.]
yeah! Hey, man, you can't cuss on TV.
What's wrong with you, man? George, look in all the cameras.
Yeah, uh, I've worked multi-camera situations before, thank you.
Relax, George, sell the grill.
Ah, okay, ah, listen, everybody, this grill is great, really great.
It's almost like cooking outdoors, indoors without the fuss or muss.
And whatever you wanna cook.
You wanna cook carne asada.
You wanna cook pollo, chicken.
Or if you wanna cook something that's not Mexican, I get you.
You could cook a A grill cheese, a panini.
Salmons you know, variations? Ahem.
Is that thing working right there? How come they're not calling, this grill's great.
And and the grease goes out to the side.
And it's only 39.
95.
It's 29.
95, [bleep.]
.
Oh, man, you made me hump my own price! You trying to tell me it's only 29.
95?! Yeah.
- That's awesome! - It is.
Oh, man, look, people are calling.
Now the CTA.
Oh, the Call To Action, yeah.
Hey, listen, everybody that's out there, this is a grill that you want, okay? This is a grill, whatever you cholos, the cholas.
Whether red or black, Blood or Crips.
Let's unite and make it right and let's grill tonight.
Pick up the phone and call right now.
Look at this surface.
It is the hardest surface on Well, there's something quite resembling this.
Look at that, ladies.
I think you understand what I'm talking about, huh? Whoop-whoop! Grab a glass of wine and pick up that phone and get those rollover minutes.
You hear 'em right there? So, anything you can grill, you can Lopez grill.
You can grill it all, yeah! Hey, listen, everybody that's out there Me grill! Hmph! [keypad beeping.]
Well, that apparently went very well.
And more people will see that than a sitcom these days.
What kind of backhanded compliment is that? - Hmm.
- You were awesome, jefe.
I need to get mami one of those.
Yeah, all right, thanks, you guys.
Appreciate it.
I'll talk to you later then, too.
[sighs.]
George That went well, huh? We have a hit, a real hit.
I told you, trust me.
You did tell me to trust you.
Guess you told Hector to trust you too, huh? I don't know what to do with all this trust going on.
Well, maybe I can do something about that.
How's that? You'll have to trust me.
- Right.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- To you, George.
To you.