Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s02e06 Episode Script

1
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Hey, you excited to set up
your very first savings account, Gordo?
Doing chores ain't easy,
but I do it for the bread.
I'm a hustler, Daddy.
George, are you also excited to set up
your very first savings account?
I'm a hustler, Daddy!
Turns out if you don't spend
your beer money on beer,
it's just money.
- I'm proud of you, Dad.
- Thank you.
I got margarine moolah.
I got Bustelo bucks.
[VOCALIZES]
Gordo, help me fine my chancla change.
I'm here.
But if anyone asks, I was never here.
[CLATTERING]
Care to let us in on what kind of crime
we're helping you cover up?
The house I live behind of
has been vacant for years.
Now the landlords want to rent it out.
I can't have strangers
around while I sunbathe.
This body wasn't built for tan lines.
I found my Powerade pesos.
[COINS CLINKING]
I can't open it.
Hey, hey, hey, it's okay.
I'ma open it for you, big guy.
[LAUGHS]
What's so funny?
This is like when the nerd saves you
before he turns into Superman.
[LAUGHS]
All week Dad's been an emotional wreck.
He's newly sober and
he is feeling his feelings.
'Cause when he was drinking,
he only had one emotion, thirst.
This is normal.
You're not the one with
him all day at work.
Yesterday he had road rage.
Literally, he got out of the truck
and yelled at the asphalt.
I'm gonna force him to see a therapist.
That's not gonna work.
It has to be George's
choice to get help.
You two shouldn't get involved.
Okay, I'm
I'm sorry, you know,
I got a little bit weird,
but I'm sure I'll feel better once I pet
my emotional support cat, Mr. Ping-Ping.
You don't own an emotional support cat.
[SHOUTS] Why don't I?
Mr. Ping-Ping!
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
Thank you for redecorating my home
with all your disgusting junk.
You are not the first person to
ask me to scare off tenants.
In high school, I was voted most
likely to lower property values.
Good.
'Cause there is a couple
looking at the house now.
And they're coming over,
so just make sure you
give them the full Oscar.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Hi, Rosie. I'm Kylie and this is Jack.
Please come in.
Wow, this is a vibe.
What did you think of the house?
We love it.
I'm so excited to live
next to a Cuban woman,
I have a great recipe for "cro-ket-as."
That pool, perfect for
blasting John Mayer
and racing my RC boats.
My roommate uses the pool all the time.
Oh, he loves floating on
his inflatable girlfriend.
Actually, she left me.
One day she just up and
[IMITATES BALLOON DEFLATING]
How do you guys feel about throuples?
That's not really our thing.
Good, 'cause there's four of us.
Five if I get my girlfriend
out of that tree.
We've got a lot of other places to see.
I'm sorry they left before
I could do anything weird.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
I'm really worried about Dad.
Thanks for helping me find
someone for him to talk to
and not telling Quinten.
I knew he wouldn't talk
to a real therapist.
He'd be all like, "I'm not talking to
some fancy high school graduate
with a degree in feelings.
What? She thinks she's better than me?"
This doesn't look like a Krispy Kreme.
Why'd you bring me here?
We think you should see someone
about all the new
emotions you're having.
So you lured me here with
the promise of some treats
like some kind of perv in a van.
We thought you'd feel
comfortable talking to a man
with a similar background.
You remember my curandero Carlos?
Oh, man, not that charlatan.
You're gonna cry? I'm your guy.
Full of rage? We'll burn some sage.
Kiss my butt, I'm getting a donut.
Ah, no, no, Dad.
It's not healthy for you or us,
so it's either this or my
therapist, Dr. Glenda Brenda.
I'm not gonna talk to some
fancy high school graduate
with a degree in feelings.
TOGETHER: What? She thinks
she's better than me?
You know what? I'ma give your guy a try.
Come on, Chicano Buddha, let's do it.
Not now, Freddie.
Come in, George.
- Have a seat.
- All right. [GROANS]
Ow. Oh!
My back.
Ay, did you hear that?
[GROANS]
You look like Bethel Reynolds
on a bearskin rug.
Just relax,
and whatever emotions you
brought in here with you,
let it go.
[SNORING]
- [BOWL RINGS]
- Hey!
Is it last call already?
Oh, man, you know what, Carlos?
Oh, this isn't for me, bro. I can't
There's no pretty way to do this.
Can you turn around?
No, wait, wait, the
spirits are telling me
that you're somebody special.
Well, the spirits think I'm special?
Are any of 'em hot?
Well, Irma keeps it pretty tight.
She used to work in a saloon.
But they're saying that you have
massive potential for change,
if you follow my teachings and
learn how to control your emotions.
Yeah, I don't know, Carlos.
I mean, I'm already
doing the work in AA.
- It's a lot, man.
- There's no work in my teachings.
You just meditate on what you want
and let the rest go.
Doing nothing is kind of
my favorite thing in life.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
I almost forgot the hot fudge!
And here I was, just using ketchup,
like a fool.
Churro, don't eat that.
Churro, you giant rat!
Oh.
Gotta let it go.
The hot dog that is meant
for me will simply find me.
This Carlos stuff is great.
Who's Carlos?
You said I shouldn't force
him to see a therapist.
So I forced him to see
a curandero instead.
Man, if I feel this good
after one session,
I imagine when I start
seeing Carlos every day.
Hey, Mayan, thank you for
setting me up with Carlos.
I love you, Mayan.
To be clear, you said
Mayan, not mayo, right?
Did you hear that?
My dad said he loved me.
And I didn't have to trick,
guilt, or bribe him to do it.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Hope you all come back
for Weed Wednesday,
Tokin' Thursday and Friday High-Day.
We've scared off a
dozen tenants already.
Oh, no one is going to feel at home
living next to a beanie-wearing weirdo
that smokes weed all day.
Hey, man.
Oh, cool beanie, man.
That house is rad, man.
Are you gonna be my new neighbor?
I think so.
Hey, I met that chick in the tree, man.
Hey, she looked like
she could party, dude.
Her name's Jasmine, man.
Yeah, I know, she told me.
Oh, wow.
Hey, I think I'm gonna
like living here, dude.
Wow.
I don't want to get emotional, but
I think he might be my father.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
I can't have Oscar's new
bud buddy living next door.
If I don't fix this, I'm gonna
have to move in here
and sleep on your couch.
If you don't want me to
move in, just say so.
You don't have to get rid
of all your furniture.
We didn't.
[HUMMING]
Hello, Earth stars.
Where's our furniture?
I let it go.
It was all material possessions
that I do not need.
Yeah, because they're ours!
Carlos couldn't pay the
rent at his botanica,
so I'm hosting some
of his followers here.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Well, Brother George,
are you ready to release
some oms, holmes?
Just call me Chakra Khan.
I always expected men in
white to come for George,
but I thought they'd be from an asylum.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
One, two, tres, four.
[LOUD DINGING]
Brother George,
I know that you are very eager
to learn the sound bowl,
- but you must be patient.
- All right.
- And let it go.
- All right.
- Let it go.
- ALL: Let it go.
Why are we doing this again?
I'm doing it because
my dad loves me now.
You're doing it because I
won't love you if you don't.
And Chance and Churro look so cute.
School is a waste of time when
you have a face like mine.
I've attained enlightenment.
Bye!
I know how groups like this work.
First, they invite you to a meeting,
then you're all wearing the same outfit
and they've taken all your money.
And before it, you've got
250 boxes of Thin Mints
and your home is more cookie than house.
You were in the Girl Scouts?
The amazing part isn't that
I was in the Girl Scouts.
It's that I got out.
Shut up!
You continue to be disruptive,
we're gonna have to ask you to leave.
George is right. You're
killing the vibe, man.
This is helping me forget
about my rental situation.
There you are, roomie.
We missed you.
Mind if we crash your meditation sesh?
So, when do you guys start levitating?
Whoa! It started.
Do I know you from somewhere?
Yeah, here.
Brother, would you like to hit a bowl?
Yes, I would love to hit a bowl.
[BOWL DINGS]
Not that bowl.
Bye.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
And thanks once again
to our generous host,
but, Brother George, let me remind you
that meditation is not an opportunity
to play Duck, Duck, Goose.
Said the slowest goose in the room.
Thank you for showing me
how to let go of my worries
and my cares and my chonies.
Since I've been wearing this,
man, I have freed my mind and my nalgas.
Enlightenment comes calling
when you're free-balling.
I'm so happy you found
a support system, Dad.
Carlos, you're welcome to hold
your sessions here any time.
You're also welcome to
bring our furniture back.
Oh, good news, the botanica is saved.
We just got a gift covering
the next six months of rent
from a generous anonymous donor.
That's me!
- I'm anonymous.
- [BOWL DINGS]
Ah ♪
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
Empty.
Oh, there's margarine in
the margarine container.
How could my dad give all
of his money to Carlos?
Okay, the better question is,
"Why don't I listen to Quinten?"
For the first time in his life,
my dad had savings,
and now it's gone.
Oh, you were right.
He's in over his giant head.
I thought I'd found another
hot dog in my pocket,
and then I remembered, nope,
I'm not wearing any underwear.
Dad, we're concerned
with how involved you're
getting with Carlos.
Okay, you wanted me to
find something to help me
with my feelings and I did that, okay?
You were happy for me.
I'd be happier if you hadn't
given away all your savings.
My money is helping a whole
group of people, okay?
People who accept me for who I am
and have welcomed me in with open arms.
We would too if you paid
our rent for six months.
You're not getting to the bottom
of your emotional problems.
You're just being taken
advantage of, Dad.
No matter what I do,
this family is always disappointed
in the choices that I make.
So I'm gonna go and be
with my new family.
And to quote one of our great
spiritual gurus of this time,
"I can never do nothing in this house!"
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
I'm sorry I wasn't able to
scare away everybody.
You can take it out on me
by exploiting my body
sexually if you have to.
Yep, that's why the balloon left you.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Hey, lady.
Hey, man, the landlord
said to email the lease.
But I don't have an email, man,
'cause that's how they track you.
- The government?
- The aliens.
Ohh.
They got me once, man,
but they're never gonna get me again.
- I'll fax it for you.
- Oh.
Yeah.
[DOCUMENT SHREDDER WHIRRING]
Hey, I think that fax
machine's broken, man.
That's okay. I got a lot of copies.
'Cause I couldn't figure out
how to turn the printer off.
I guess I'll move in to Mayan's.
I just hope Jesus forgives me
for living in my unmarried
daughter's house of sin.
You know, too bad you
don't own this place,
so then you could decide who lives here.
Ooh, better idea.
What if you moved in with
me in George's truck?
He can't say nothing,
'cause I got squatter's rights.
Come to think of it, maybe
I should just squat here.
You know, my shredder crushes bones.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
It's been a week since my
dad has been living here
with Carlos and his followers.
He must be in deep.
It could be hard to get him out.
That's why we need to
remind him of all the things
he left behind that he loves.
So I got a picture of Chance,
the TV remote,
pack of hot dogs.
What about me?
Yeah, you better hang back.
[BOWLS CLANGING, GONG CRASHES]
Yeah!
What are you doing here?
We're here to bring you home.
Think of the boy.
I'm not leaving.
Do you think I'm the type of person
that would abandon his family?
Then think of the hot dogs.
I can have hot dogs with my new family.
We're vegan.
About that, Carlos.
You know, as the largest donor,
you know, maybe we could
adjust that a little bit.
I mean, I'm already
marinating your chicken.
Not Freddie!
All right, that's enough! I've had it!
You've been driving us crazy all week!
But I'm special, man.
The spirits said so!
Well, they were wrong!
This is gonna be a lot easier
than I thought it was gonna be.
- You're kicking me out?
- No, we're
we're letting you go.
But you took all of his savings.
Well, we're giving it back.
And take anything you
want from the botanica.
Just just leave, please.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
I don't think this looks right.
Hey, I'm sorry I got a little out there
with Carlos and the group, you know.
You guys might find this
a little hard to believe,
but I got kind of an
addictive personality.
Still, you took steps
toward self-improvement.
That's a big deal. I love you, Dad.
I'm here!
And I'm a homeowner.
I just bought my property.
That's amazing! How?
Well, I called my landlords
and threatened to squat
if they didn't sell it to me.
God bless this country
and its bizarre laws.
Is there something different here?
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[GUITAR STRUMS]
Mexican-Americans ♪
Don't like to just
get into gang fights ♪
They like flowers and music ♪
And white girls named Debbie too ♪
Mexican-Americans are
named Chata and Chella ♪
And Chemma, and Little Chemma ♪
And have a son-in-law named Jeff ♪
Mexican-Americans ♪
Don't like to get up
early in the morning ♪
But they have to,
so they do it real slow ♪
♪
Mexican-Americans love education ♪
So they go to night school ♪
And they take Spanish and get a B ♪
♪
Mexican-Americans love their nanas ♪
And their ninos, and their
ninas, and their nonos ♪
Nana, nana, nina, nono ♪
♪
ALL: Mexican-Americans make TV shows ♪
And cast their friends
to sing classics ♪
From back in the day ♪
♪