Loudermilk (2017) s02e06 Episode Script

1 You couldn't leave Waffles back at the mansion for two hours? It's good to see you haven't changed much.
Still jousting with strangers over absolutely nothing.
- Are you lumberjacks? - We're musicians, asshole.
- You're an asshole.
- You're a total dick, man.
I push people away, and it's something I gotta work on, 'cause it only hurts me.
And I gotta work on getting along with you and the world at large.
I'm a critic with an impeccable reputation.
I'm a published author, for Christ sakes.
Huh? I'm somebody ish.
You haven't written anything in, like, years.
I could if wanted.
Well, then do it.
I think you're onto something, Claire.
[BIRD SQUAWKING.]
Appreciate you letting me drag you along on my hike, but slow the fuck down, Sonic the Hedgehog.
If I was walking any slower, I'd be standing.
I'm not even working up a sweat.
I'm sweating plenty.
You sweat when you read.
Yeah.
So do 10 million other James Patterson fans.
Besides, I have hyperhidrosis.
Hyperhidr You don't have that.
- It's not a real thing.
- It is, too, ignor-anus.
- I'll prove it to you.
- [BUTTONS CLICKING.]
- [SPRAY CAN HISSING.]
- Hey.
What are you doing? What do you mean? Uh, I didn't think that I was being cryptic, but I'll try again.
What are you doing? Expressing myself.
On a rock? Yeah.
Look, I hate all graffiti, but at least do it on a fucking building or a subway car.
Okay, what are you, the graffiti Gestapo? So, what what do we have here? What do we have? "As she dances in the bandwidth " of her redolent frown.
" What does that mean? Wow.
Do not click on images when you look up "hyperhidrosis.
" Stand by.
Seriously, what what does that mean? Uh, I think it's pretty self-explanatory.
Yeah.
You you couldn't explain that if you had a gun and a dick pointed at ya.
[LAUGHS.]
And a dick.
Okay, maybe you're just not smart enough to get it.
Oh, well, enlighten me, Banksy.
Okay.
Uh Okay, well, it's about a a girl, and she's dancing, and she's frowning.
She's dancing, and she's frowning.
- Got that.
- And, you know, the She The She has the bandwidth.
The bandwidth of her life in a post-Trump Fuck, I don't know what it means, man.
No, I didn't think so, 'cause it's horse shit.
Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.
I have a pretty good nose for sniffing out people who are, how do I put this kindly, totally bereft of talent.
Wow.
No, you're right.
I thought maybe I was a poet, but I guess I guess my father was right.
I'm nothing.
There ya go.
Don't you think you were a little hard on that dude? What dude? That that dude.
Oh, no.
One thing I know about artists, they have thick skin.
So there I was, face-to-face with Liz Solomon, first time I've seen her since high school.
Jesus, she's even prettier now.
I contacted her because she's an artist and I wanted to commission a painting of my cat.
Only a pussy would order a painting of a pussy.
I'd order a painting of a pussy.
NEW GUY: Okay, if you must know, I wasn't only ordering the painting just to pay homage to my cat.
I was using it as an excuse to get in touch with Liz.
See, I set up a Google alert, "Liz Solomon divorce" years ago.
And it finally went off.
Good news.
Oh, I had such a crush on this girl.
I thought she had one on me, too.
But then when I went to pick up my painting last night, she didn't remember the inside joke we had in English class, and she got my name wrong, first and last.
Well, what did you expect? You haven't been to high school for 50 years.
- Forty years.
- BEN: Okay.
Hey, chin up, man.
Unrequited love gets a bad rap.
How so? Well, because it's actually the only kind of love that doesn't break your heart.
Unlike requited love, which will tear it out and shit on it.
I don't understand.
Why are you so obsessed with her? I'm not obsessed.
Then why do you look so sad? I'm not sad.
This is just my face.
I'd be sad, too, if I had a face like that.
Fuck you.
Ooh.
NEW GUY: Rog? Rog? Hey.
Didn't hear you there.
Do you have a minute? Th-there's something I-I need to talk about.
Maybe I should go and get Loudermilk.
No.
No, no, no, no.
I don't want him to know my secrets.
But he's our leader, and he can help you much more than I can.
No, you don't you don't get it.
I-I've never told this to anyone.
Well? Look, I know I've talked a big game, but I haven't really banged Rihanna.
Or fingered Kristin Chenoweth.
I'm disappointed.
There I was living vicariously through you.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Sorry.
See, what got me so down about seeing that woman from high school was realizing how little my life had changed.
I mean, professionally, yeah, I'm killing it.
I'm T.
rex with a monster cock.
But, romantically, not so much.
Tony and Cisco were right.
You're a virgin.
That's crazy.
It's laughable.
I'm just a lip virgin.
What, you mean you've never gone down on a woman.
Good God, no.
Bathroom parts go with bathroom parts.
But that's not what I meant.
I meant I've never, uh I-I've never kissed a woman.
What, never? But how can you have had sex with a woman and never been kissed? Okay, look, I've only had intercourse with professional women.
By professional, I don't mean women with careers.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it.
See, prostitutes won't let you kiss them.
Yeah, maybe you should be talking about this with Loudermilk.
It may be the reason you did meth.
No, no, no.
You can't tell a soul.
This Roger, this is too fuckin' embarrassing.
Well, why are you telling me? I don't know.
I needed to tell somebody.
And I feel safe with you because, you know, you don't have complete arms.
No, I That came out wrong.
I just meant me and you, like, we're one of a kind because we've both been fucked so badly by God.
No, it's not just that.
You're smarter and more sensitive than anybody in that group, and you've got that beautiful accent.
And, look, can you please help me? Roger, you're my best friend.
I'm sorry, man, I can't.
Look, my mum is ill.
Seriously ill, and I've gotta go back to England to look after her for a while.
Yeah, yeah, that's good for you.
But what about me? Don't worry.
I'll make sure you get what you need.
Phew.
I can't believe you dragged me all the way back here to look for a God damn headband.
That headband was a gift from my pickle ball team.
It's very special, thanks.
Well, I'll buy you another one.
I don't even remember you wearing a head What's pickle ball? You don't know what pickle ball is? Well, it's a cross between tennis and badminton.
It's normally played on grass, turf, dirt, or sand.
LOUDERMILK: What the fuck's he doing now? I told you you were too hard on the dude.
Now he's gonna kill himself.
Huh? No, you don't know that.
He could just be looking for a better view.
Really? Okay, then why did he write, "Goodbye, world," on the rocks, then? - I don't know.
- Oh, boy.
- Shit.
- Okay.
Go talk to him, man.
This is your fault.
Yeah My fault? I shit on the guy for, like, 30 seconds.
Obviously, he had prior issues or he wouldn't be writing that drivel on rocks.
Hey, hey, buddy.
What what are you doing? I'm about to jump to my death because of you, asshole! The least you could do is wish me good luck! Come on down from there.
Don't do anything stupid.
Oh, so now I'm stupid, too? No, I said don't do anything stupid.
Look, I was a jerk earlier, okay? I Your bandwidth poem is actually pretty pretty pretty good.
Oh, don't patronize me.
No? Okay, 'cause it sucked.
Uh, you fucking misspelled "bandwidth.
" How do you know how to spell "redolent"? I thought it was great.
You're a wonderful writer! You have a gift! [CRYING.]
No.
No, your friend's right.
It's a joke! I'm a joke.
I can't even kill myself right.
I've been up here since this morning because I don't have the balls to jump.
Sure, you do! I mean, you You have you have balls, you know.
You got lots of balls, and you're gonna do lots of great stuff, okay? But you're not gonna do this.
- Because - Because why? Plenty of reasons.
I mean, you're thin, okay.
I mean, shit, I wish I had your metabolism.
There's one reason right there.
And you don't have hyperhidrosis.
That's for sure.
You're out here in the sun.
You seem to be cool as a cucumber.
I'm jealous.
Look, I don't know your full deal, buddy, but, you know, we all go through shit.
And we all think that life can't get any better.
But it it it can.
Well, that's all you got? Oh, I'm jumping.
- Oh, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Whoa, whoa, hey, don't, no! He's just war he's warming up.
Listen, it's not just you that would be hurt, okay? Think about the people who care about you.
Oh, strike two! No one cares about me! I have to go to restaurants, even movies alone! All right, well, if that's what this is about, come on down.
I'll go to a movie with ya.
Which movie? You pick it.
Just none of that comic-book bullshit.
When? Thursday.
Well, I mean, I might have to move a few things around, but Yes.
Fuck it, let's do it! All right! - Super.
- Yeah! You're gonna live! Oh.
Can I have some help getting down? [STUPID MOUTH SHUT PLAYS.]
The sidewalk bends where your house ends Like the neighborhood is on its knees Surrounded by a chain-link fence Keeps me out, but lets me see But someday when my heart exhales I'll tell you everything Those sweet words spilling all about us I'll say, "Please, please be with me" And I'll breathe so easily But instead I'm turning blue - I look at you and keep my - [DOOR OPENS.]
NEW GUY: What are you guys doing here? Roger told us about your lady problems.
I told him not to tell anyone.
We really want to help.
Okay, okay, but nobody else, okay? This just stays within within our gang.
- Oh, okay.
- Okay.
Don't be ashamed, New Guy.
Look, it's obvious you made a success of yourself somehow.
And maybe you haven't had time for a social life.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, let's go with that.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey! What the fuck is he doing here? Yeah, he was, uh, eavesdropping on my conversation with Cloud.
Hey, man.
15-foot rule.
If you don't whisper, it's rude for anybody within 15 feet not to listen.
Am I too late? What did I miss? This is fucking absurd! You know what's absurd? That you prize secrecy over assistance.
These guys are here to help you pop your lip cherry, man.
Yeah.
I don't want his help.
Oh, I see.
Okay, you don't want my help.
All right, then I guess I'll just call that chick back who I set you up with and tell her it's off, hmm? What, you set me up? Why? Listen, I'm not a religious man, but I do believe that good pussy can save a man's soul.
And I also thought if I could get somebody somewhere to want to kiss you consensually, maybe you'd be a little bit less of a turd all the time.
Oh, okay.
I'm sorry, Mugsy.
That that was nice of you.
Yeah.
And she's a great woman.
- Tons in common with you.
- Mmm.
Except she's good-looking.
- Ooh.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Damn, she's early.
- She's here? Why didn't you tell me she's on her way? Because I didn't want to stress you out.
I'm stressed now! Oh, how do I look? How do I look? Don't make us answer that question.
We want to send you on the date with confidence.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
TONY: What the hell are you doing? You don't throw a Hail Mary on the first play of the game.
Give me that! Okay, hey.
Hey, a little privacy, please.
Backyard.
Backyard! Oh.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hi.
Hello.
Um, am I early? Oh, no.
No.
Um, oh, you know what? One of my one of my cats just got out.
Could could you just stay there for a second, please? - Oh, God, can I help? - No.
No, no, thank you.
That's really sweet of you, but if you could just, like, stay right there, please, in case my cat rings, you know, the the doorbell.
What the fuck? Hey, what are you so upset about? She's a midget! Hey, the correct term is "little person.
" Don't be a racist.
No, no, no, he can call her that 'cause he's one himself.
Yeah, like you guys can call each other Bro.
Guys, I'm not a little person.
MUGSY: What? What are you talking about? Well, I'm saying that I'm not a little person.
You're telling me you're not a little person? No! All right, well, God damn! I don't know what the cutoff is? I'm sorry.
What the fuck are you doing in my pool in your underwear? You said to make yourselves at home.
Plus, I was sweaty.
I never said anything remotely like that.
God, what the fuck am I gonna do about this girl? - Tell her you're out of town.
- She just saw me! Then tell her you're going out of town.
I can't cancel.
She'll know it's 'cause of her height.
Look I know what it's like to have a date cancel at the last second based on how you look.
STEVIE: This is what you do.
You go on the date, and when you're out, you pick a fight.
Right? You won't have to see her again, and that way, she won't know that you're a height-ist.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
Pick a fight like a gentleman.
That could work, yes, thank you.
MAN: [ON TV.]
The Wonder-Chopper, a blade so sharp, you'll wonder what it can't cut.
Garlic, tomatoes, carrots, potatoes.
If you eat it, the How do you guys watch this crap? It's a commercial.
You don't even know what the fuck we're watching.
I don't have to.
It's TV.
It all sucks.
Oh, does it? How about Survivor? And Buddy 'n' Andy.
And why aren't you dressed? - What are you talking about? - You're wearing sweatpants.
I didn't realize we had a dress code.
No, it's Thursday.
Yeah.
Holy shit.
You promised suicide guy you'd take him to dinner and a movie tonight.
So? It's a guy on a ledge.
You say whatever you have to.
It's not binding.
Yes, it is.
Besides, he sounded really nice.
When did you talk to him? When Ben called him to confirm your plans for tonight.
How do you even have his number? We exchanged numbers, dude.
That's what you do after a suicide attempt.
Fuck, man.
All right, so you go hang out with him.
No, no.
Suicide guy is your friend, not mine.
You're the one who's got him on speed dial.
Hey, look, the guy might be a psycho.
I don't want to hang out with him alone.
Okay.
All right, fine.
You know what? I'll go with ya.
How's that? This is a nice restaurant.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, no worries.
- So who did you vote for? - Pardon? You a Trumpy, like me? I love that guy.
He sure does what he says he's gonna do, huh? I guess.
I wish he'd build a wall at the Canadian border.
Many Canadians are rapists, too, you know.
You're joking, right? Oh, no, that's how I really feel.
I find Canadians to be really, really sleazy.
Um, hey, what's what's your view on arming teachers? Idiotic.
Oh, idiotic, huh? Sure, sure.
Bury your head in the sand.
Um Oh, hey, what do you think about this climate change bullshit? Why are you asking me this? That's how you get to know a person, by asking them questions.
And why did you insist on this table? In a few seconds, we're gonna be able to smell what he ordered.
I'm doing really lousy on this date, aren't I? Well, you know, I totally understand if you never wanted to see me again.
Is it just me, or do you find that gay people are getting more and more uppity? If you want to end this date, just say the word.
You don't have to go through this stupid charade.
- It's not a charade.
- You think I'm an idiot? I'm totally fine with leaving.
I could be home right now, snuggling with my cat, watching the Penguins game.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You like the Pittsburgh Penguins? - Love 'em.
- Oh, my God, they're my team, too.
- Good for you.
- No, I You don't understand.
- I'm obsessed with them.
- Of course you are.
Everyone jumped on the bandwagon once they started winning again.
I was born in Pittsburgh.
I'm a true fan.
So am I.
I've liked them since they were absolutely terrible.
Their logo and name was so ridiculous, and I like any team rooted in tragedy.
What do you mean? Oh, you know, their first great player, Michel Brière.
He had an awesome rookie year, and then he got killed in a car crash right after the season.
He even scored a playoff overtime goal that year.
Oh, wow.
Please, please, please sit back down.
Sorry, amigo.
Too late.
Took the wind out of my sails.
Oh, no.
Sorry.
Just I'm sorry, Louise.
Just, look, I know I fucked this up.
I just get so nervous on first dates, second and third dates, too, and Could could we please just start this date again? Please.
Sure.
What the hell? Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
You know what? I-I-I'm What I'm gonna do, I'm gonna go over to the maître d', and I'm gonna make sure that we get a table not so close to the shitter.
Who says chivalry is dead? [CHUCKLES.]
- You said I could choose.
- Yeah, but seriously, nobody wants to see the sequel to Three Billboards.
What? That was a classic.
Okay, okay, so then, how come in that timeless classic Sam Rockwell's character throws a guy through a window and beats him to death in broad daylight and doesn't go to prison? And why does he run into a fire instead of out of the fire when the cop station burns? And why does a cop just take Peter Dinklage at his word when he alibis Fran McDormand for starting the fire? And why does she dress like a grease monkey even though she works in a gift shop? And what's the deal with the bad guy living in Idaho and hanging out in Missouri? Don't even get me started on Woody's wife.
I thought you were just a graffiti snob.
You're a movie snob, too.
Yeah, I'm versatile.
I can't believe your all-time favorite Penguin is Evgeni Malkin, too.
- Why? He's incredible! - Yeah, but you know what? Everybody else says Crosby or Lemieux.
Well, Geno has a flair about him and a cool sense of humor.
Yes, exactly.
He's playful yet dry.
Well, this is me.
Oh, well I had a really good time tonight.
Me too.
Good night.
Yeah.
[BEEP.]
Fuck! And then, dude, the part where Frances McDormand called the rabbi a pedophile.
I can't believe you guys liked that.
Oh, wow, stop the presses.
Robbie Rotten Tomatoes didn't like something.
Robbie Rotten Tomatoes.
That's you.
That's great, if you don't mind a ride on the plot-hole express.
You are such an asshole, you know that? Yes, I do.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to create anything? A movie, a song, a poem on a rock? I bet you never created anything in your whole life.
Well, no, no.
That's not fair.
Actually, Loudermilk wrote a book.
What, a novel? No, he used to be a music critic.
He wrote a book about the worst songs ever written.
Okay.
Okay, now it's all coming together.
You're a critic! Every critic was a failed something.
And the more you scream about how much everything sucks, the less of a loser you feel like.
You don't know what Go spray it on a rock.
Wait.
You said he used to be a critic.
What do you do now? Clean toilets? No, I don't clean toilets.
Yeah.
He cleans the floors at the bank.
Wow.
That is pathetic.
I can't believe I beat you to the ledge.
BEN: Hey, what other Frances McDormand movies do you like? [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
- Hey, here he comes.
- Oh.
Well? You pop your lip cherry? Eh, sort of.
What do you mean "sort of"? You either did or you didn't.
I had the best date of my life last night.
This woman is amazing! She likes cats and hockey.
I was all set to give her a kiss, and I I did this.
Jesus.
You did that? With her? Yeah, I know, I know.
It was a wuss move.
And she wanted me to kiss her.
No, no.
That's like shaking hands with a bowl of pudding.
Look, I know your hand just came out of a cast, but damn! No, no, no, my my hand's back at full strength.
Here.
Come on, shake my hand.
Oh, oh, ho! Ho! That's like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich dipped in milk.
That's better.
Well, how come no one's ever told me my handshake sucks before? 'Cause they're not your friends.
And you guys are? - No.
- No.
What am I gonna do? I-I really like this girl.
I don't want her to just be my first.
I want her to be more than that.
Tell you broke your hand jerking off.
Tony, that's so fucking stupid! I like this girl.
I don't want to lie to her anymore.
And she'd never believe my dick was big enough to cause breakage.
- Would she? - No.
You know what? I got it.
I got it.
Tell her you went to the batting cages, right? You were working on your swing, and you check it, right? And you sprained your hand.
You lost all masculine hand-shaking power.
- Plausible.
- Good one.
No, no, that's stupid.
I'm just gonna be straight with her.
Tell her how I feel.
Show her the real me.
I finally stopped time So we don't have to Learning how to check your swing is such an important part of not striking out, and even though I don't play in any leagues right Can we please not talk about this anymore? Oh, okay, sure.
What do you want to talk about? I don't know.
Anything but why your handshake is so pathetic.
You think my handshake's pathetic? No, you said it was pathetic, remember? And for the last 20 minutes, you've been explaining why.
Okay, so you didn't think my handshake was pathetic? I was sure that's why you ran for the door, because of my flaccid handshake.
[LAUGHS.]
No.
Oh.
Okay, good.
Then why did you run? Okay, it was a combination of that and the fact that you kind of choked when we were gonna kiss.
But then I thought, "So what if he doesn't have the nuts to make the first move?" I mean, in our new world, a guy initiating anything is seen as aggressive or predatory.
Thank you, Harvey Weinstein.
It's all bullshit, anyway.
Why does the man have to be the stronger one? Oh, you are preaching to the choir, baby.
I'm glad you called.
I've been thinking about you a lot.
You have? I-I've been thinking about you a lot, too.
To have you around To have you around Is it okay if I make the first move? Oh, God, yes, please.
Her smile is like a beacon When it lights up, I can see her for a hundred miles Her love controls the seasons When she's with me, I'm the weather on a tropic isle Oh, I don't need much help Jesus! The fuck are you doing up? I'm staking out the kitchen to see where you've been hiding the Ho-Hos.
Success.
That's not really why you're awake, is it? No, I just I can't go to sleep.
- I - Oh.
I keep thinking about what your buddy said about critics and being failed somethings.
Maybe he's right.
This is the part where you say something sponsor-y.
Want a half a Ho-Ho? Well, what do you care what Suicide Guy says anyway? I don't.
Unless it's true.
You know, I started a new book.
Oh, really? What, a fiction or just another list of people and stuff that bugs you? No, it's a book book.
I've been working on it a couple of months.
I got a terrific first line.
Hmm.
"If you've ever almost killed your wife "in a drunken, bloody car wreck, read on.
" That's great.
Why'd you pause before "great"? No, that was a That was a Ho-Ho burp.
I actually think that's really great.
Yeah, thanks.
That's all I have, though.
I can't get past the second sentence.
You know? It's When I was writing reviews, it was different, okay? 'Cause I would just respond to something, and it was either good or it was shit, and that's all I had to say was which one.
Fucking things wrote themselves.
But with this, I don't know what I'm responding to except whatever comes into my head, and everything that comes into my head is shit.
I-I can't delete it fast enough.
Well, maybe you should leave it for a while.
Huh? You know, it's like, um, the music that you love, right? Those artists don't just make some shit and it's perfect, and then off they go with it.
You know, they make some shit, and it's shitty, so they leave it there, and they work on something else.
And meanwhile, this shit sort of starts to make some more sense, and then by the time they're working on this new shit, the old shit's ready, you know, 'cause it's shit, so it fertilizes itself.
And you take the old shit and the new shit, and pretty soon, you know, you got this this ball of shit, and that's all art really is, is just working on some shit until it gets less shitty.
Huh.
Yeah, that's Yeah.
Yeah.
I think you're right.
That's Not at all what I do, you know? I fucking look at it and blast the hell out of it as soon as it hits the page.
What I got to do is get out of my head, stop being so God damn precious about it.
Well, if you ask me, I think that's it right there.
But, regardless, probably be a good idea for you to stay up all night in the dark beating yourself up about beating yourself up about it.
- I'll get the light for you.
- [LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS.]
- Good night.
- Good night.
[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS.]
He looks over his shoulder Fears of getting older She says, "Oh, come over" "Come a little closer" He looks out the window Tears fall as the wind blows Step off into a frenzy Isn't love worth plenty? Oh, no more crying No more crying No more crying No more crying Now his heart beats faster Knows he won't outlast her She sits by the window Lets all of the pain go