Lovesick (Scrotal Recall) (2014) s02e06 Episode Script

Nothing says classy like two-day-old pants.
Help yourself to mine.
Third drawer down.
Thanks, but I don't wear thongs.
- No, I've really I've got to go.
- Come on, stay.
Five minutes.
Hmm, well No, I'm not doing that.
I've got, like, a million boxes to unpack.
All I'm suggesting is that you have time for a cup of tea.
Come round later when I've unpacked my kettle.
And for the record, you usually take longer than five minutes.
Oh, yeah? To drink a cup of tea.
To drink tea To drink tea! Nothing else! So, I was thinking about how this is all very challenging for you, isn't it? I mean, if you don't know why a car's broken, how are you gonna go ahead and fix said car? - But I've found the thing that's broken.
- Sounds encouraging.
See, earlier on my flatmate, Angus, mentioned wanting to go out to pick up girls, and I suddenly felt this sort of kernel of dread at the prospect.
And that's not me, you see, I don't do kernels of dread.
So you want me to help you go out on the pull again? You make it sound petty.
The point of this is to get me back to normal, isn't it? Well, my normal happens to be wanting to go out and sleep with a shit-ton of attractive people.
So that's that's the finish line.
Did you ever want anything else? I did ask Father Christmas for a pump-action Super Soaker once.
- Still waiting on that.
- You're avoiding the question.
- I am allowed to do that.
- And I'm allowed to call you on it.
Was sex always what you were after? Did you never want a relationship? It's water under the bridge now.
It was really just your timing.
My timing was bad.
- And your delivery.
- Also true.
Yeah.
- Actually, it's all coming back to me now.
- Oh, good.
It was sort of your behavior in general that was really shitty.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
But hopefully some happy memories, too? Yeah, in a way.
But mostly not, no.
Still, like you say, water under the bridge.
Okay.
Two more lattes, two more slices of the Valentine's cheesecake.
- Are they all for you? - You need a new joke.
It's still got a couple more weeks in it.
How're the tips today? Are you feeling the financial love of many strangers? Well, one guy did ask me out to dinner.
I told him I was spoken for, even though you didn't get me flowers.
- Yet.
- Clock's ticking.
Listen, if he'd like to take you to this dance this evening, then, you know, I'd be okay with stepping aside.
- You'll love it, okay? - Of course I will.
- I really won't.
- What's the thing? We're going to a Valentine's Day ceilidh.
It's like line dancing but even worse.
- And way more Scottish.
- I went to one, like, four years ago.
Everyone knew what they were doing except me.
After about ten minutes, you could literally see people arranging themselves so they wouldn't have to partner up with me.
What about you? What are you doing for the big day, Cara? - Is it a big day? - It's a whole day about love.
None of the other emotions get their own day.
Well, Ben's away again, so, um I'll be celebrating my love of pizza and Call of Duty 3.
Who said romance was dead? If it's that or a ceilidh, then I envy you.
No, you don't.
- Do you wanna go out later? - Celebrate in style? - Celebrate what? - February the 14th? Ugh, is it Valentine's Day? That crept up on us.
No, let's definitely not go out.
What? All the restaurants will be packed with moon-faced idiots who feel obligated to buy overpriced roses while trying to hold hands while they eat, which actually is just completely impractical.
- Are you joking or not? - Do I sound like I'm joking? You do know it's it's also my birthday? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
But did you actually know that? I was checking if you're free.
'Cause for a minute there, it seemed like you didn't know.
You ruined the whole thing I had going on.
- Okay.
- Happy birthday.
Of course we're celebrating.
Mal is having a birthday today! I thought I'd have years before I had to deal with a birthday - and just like that it's happened.
- His birthday's on Valentine's Day? I don't know if it kills two birds with one stone or ups the pressure? We've only been going out a few months.
People like you are to blame for making this difficult.
I totally agree.
Dylan is the problem here.
It's all well and good being wishy-washy and full of feelings, but at some point people have to convert those feelings into money spent on actual stuff that tells a person how you feel about them.
What you need is a book token.
Fine.
How much should I spend? Don't give him book tokens! Don't tease me about this! Okay.
What is a gift that says, "So far I'm quite enjoying hanging out with you"? - Barkeep, skinny cap.
- Let's go.
- I'm cutting you off.
- What? Why? I've had, like, two little cappuccin-chows.
Cuppy-chan-chins.
Evie needs some romantic advice.
Reverse cowgirl.
Done.
Next? Take him dancing.
Everyone loves that.
I'm gonna give you a list of things guys like.
Pen, please.
Hey, I don't need sex advice.
I just need advice on everything else.
Okay, well, tell Mal he just missed out on a very happy birthday.
Dylan.
What do I do? - You could write him a poem? - I'd rather break up with him.
- Luke? - Jo.
Fuck.
Uh, hello.
Hi.
- Uh what are you doing here? - Uh, conference.
I'm a doctor now.
Oh, I'm still not a doctor.
It's pretty much no change with me.
- How long has it been? Like, five years? - Longer.
It could be It could be longer.
I'd say, "Do you wanna get a coffee?" but you're already carrying one.
This one's nearly done, actually.
So Mmm-hmm.
That was good.
I could use another.
Do you want to do this properly? Like, get a drink? It's just, it's been so long.
Are you around this weekend? - Tonight? - On Valentine's? - You know, if you're free.
- I'm surprised you are.
- You were always Mr.
Relationship.
- Well, today's your lucky day.
Same number? No, honestly, Jo.
I mean, literally nothing about me has changed.
Okay.
Nothing expensive.
Nothing that involves me singing.
Nothing that involves his family.
Nothing that Luke would do.
Nothing sexy or heartfelt or way too thoughtful.
I once wrote, "Be Mine" on a girl's ceiling using glow stars.
I was hiding under the bed.
That was the second bit of the surprise.
In retrospect, I didn't know her well enough to be doing that.
It didn't end well.
Cara, what have you got? How do you actually feel about this guy? - I'm not indifferent to him.
- That belongs on a greetings card.
Well, I do want him to feel happy and stuff.
- Why don't you cook him something? - I've eaten your pasta and I didn't die.
It's not expensive or clever or particularly thoughtful, or weird and frightening.
It's just eating at our house with a tiny bit of effort.
I like it! So, do they cover this in your course? It's native to the Himalayas.
Grows as a weed in the wild there.
- Weed grows as a weed? - I know more about rhododendrons.
Ugh, don't go.
Just stay here, do something you don't really enjoy in order to keep me company.
No one's given me a landscaping job.
Yeah, but they will once you're qualified.
No, look, obviously it's cool you've got something you wanna work towards.
Beats coasting aimlessly.
Maybe weed's the problem for me.
I don't smoke that much when Ben's around, but, like lately he's been gone three weeks in the last month, and I seem to have stopped washing my clothes.
Showering? Occasionally.
- Do you want some? - No, not for me.
I'm I'm already paranoid enough about tonight.
Too many steps to think about.
Do you want me to teach you the basics? I could come over and talk you through it before you go.
Really? That would be amazing.
Oh! You were in there hours! - You smell fruity.
- It's Valentine's Day, Dyl.
I've got fresh-scented roses to compete with.
So who is she? - No one special.
- Luke! - What have you done to the bathroom? - I've showered? Yeah, I can see that.
I went to have a shower and there are tiny black hairs everywhere.
- Uh-huh.
Those would be my pubes.
- Oh, my God! - Why? - Plenty of guys shave down there, Evie.
That is so, so gross.
Okay, Mal is coming over - and the bath looks like it's got stubble.
- Good.
So you're wearing aftershave and you shaved your crotch.
- Who is she? - I don't want you guys to freak out, but I bumped into Jo and there was a definite vibe.
You're not trying to get back with her, are you? - What's the big deal? - You were a mess! - For about Arguably still.
- Just don't get your hopes up.
Just don't get hurt again.
Guys, guys, guys it's fine.
It's just ex sex.
It's taking a stroll in the old neighborhood.
It's just booting up the Mega Drive one last time, see if you're still good at Road Rash.
Clean the bath! Clean it with fire! You'll need this.
Found it in a record shop on Glaven Street.
No doubt you'll wanna go back for more.
I didn't get changed.
Sorry.
Oh, hey, what? This old thing? It's practically my jammies.
No, you look great.
So, how are you? What have you been up to for the last five years? Yeah, good.
Busy.
You know, work mostly.
You? Yeah, same.
As always.
And single on Valentine's Day.
First time in three years.
Well, here's to old times.
To old times.
Happy Valentine.
Okay.
Right.
- Come stand in front of me.
- Mmm-hmm.
Now, if you're not dancing with Emma, and you shouldn't stick with her all night - Yep.
- then the first thing you need to do is find a partner.
Right, okay.
- Don't ask people that are sitting down.
- Right.
- Find someone who's milling about.
- Milling about.
Good.
Oh, okay Um Excuse me.
Would you like to dance? - No.
- No.
- No.
- No.
- No.
- No.
Sometimes people say no.
- Okay, that's fine.
- Mmm-hmm.
Yep.
- Just move on quickly.
- Right.
- You've only got a minute.
Come on.
- Okay.
All right.
Um, okay.
Uh, would you like to dance? I'd love to.
Okay.
Starting with a basic, Strip the Willow.
Mmm-hmm.
So, you take my hand.
- I grip there and then - Mmm-hmm.
join hands in the middle.
I'm going to put the music on.
- Mmm-hmm.
- That's what we need.
Mmm-hmm.
It's been really nice to see you again.
Hey, we could get some food.
There's a great place round the corner.
Nowhere's gonna have a table tonight.
Well, let's give it a try? Or Or what? Do you have any food at your place? Wow.
The lighting's not great.
It's actually quite dark now.
Do you want to see your food? Not that it matters.
Uh I don't know.
Lights back on? No, keep them off, keep them off.
It smells amazing.
What is it? - Oh, it's just it's just pesto.
- Any nuts? Uh, no, no.
Just, uh, cheese and herbs, and some seeds and I'm sorry I couldn't afford a restaurant.
Well, I I could, but, you know, if you'd ordered the steak and stuff I would have been like, "Shit.
" That's not very romantic.
So Sorry, I don't really know why I said that.
Evie, this is perfect.
Now turn.
Yeah! Oh, my God.
Very good.
Now, they're gonna do waltzes.
- It's Valentine's Day.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Mmm.
- They'll probably do Rozsa.
Do you wanna give that a crack or have you got it covered? Let's do it.
Okay.
Are you ready? Mmm.
What's the crunchy stuff? Pine kernels.
Did I not mention the nut allergy? No, they're not nuts, they're seeds.
Okay, just to clarify, I have a nut and pine kernel allergy.
Are you all right with this? Oh, yeah.
Very much so.
In a big way.
It's just this can only be a one-time thing, and after the weekend I'm heading back and I just don't want you to think that I think this is gonna lead to Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, of course.
Yeah.
I know, it's just a It's just a one-night thing.
Okay.
That's the small print out of the way.
Pen - Pen.
- Pen.
EpiPen! In my jacket! Don't go unconscious! Mal! Do I not stab it in your heart, like in Pulp Fiction? - Condom? - Yeah, good point.
- Let me.
- Ooh.
Don't worry.
It's like a bus.
One comes along every few minutes.
Fuck! - Oh! - Um This has literally never happened to me before.
- It's okay.
- No, no, honestly, I mean, like, this is genuinely not one of my problems.
I get, like I get quite dry skin during winter, um I get fairly bad hay fever.
One of my feet's bigger than the other, but that is honestly it.
I'm not This doesn't You know I'm good for this, right? Of course I do.
I have to break up with Emma.
On Valentine's Day? Great timing.
I'd honestly I hadn't thought about you in that way.
Emma's a beautiful girl.
I could see how she'd be distracting.
- Look, anyway I've got a boyfriend.
- But it doesn't sound like it's working.
We don't get to spend enough time together for me to know either way.
- So? - No.
I don't know.
I think I'm just lonely.
And I think that it's just wrong without I just Don't.
Because if you touch me, I'm not gonna want you to stop, and that is not helpful to anyone.
I'm gonna take off.
But what if that's a mistake? Neither of us is sure, though.
Are we? You're gonna be late for Emma.
Of all the people for this to happen with in the world, it had to be you? What does that mean? I wanted this to be great.
- I wanted you to want to do it again.
- I've just broken up with someone.
Ah, okay, so rebound territory.
- Fair enough.
- I'm really sorry.
I thought this was like an old friends type of thing.
Has there really not been anyone else? There was one girl, but she was going out with Dylan, so.
Was, as in isn't anymore? I'm gonna go.
I don't regret this, you know.
I mean, I feel fucking terrible, but at least that's something, eh? You should call her.
If Dylan's your friend, he'll be happy for you.
Worst birthday ever? Just so you know I am really bad at birthdays.
And I did forget.
And I'm probably gonna suck at Christmas, too.
I just Oh, I just wanted to get it right.
I just wanted you to think that I cared about you.
Because you do care about me? Broke up with Emma at the dance.
It was not well-received.
Be my valentine, Dylan.
I'm not even asking, man.
I'm insisting.
I just voluntarily cut my own heart out and drop-kicked it over a cliff.
Don't you even think about moving.
Don't worry.
I won't.
The day after you dumped me on Valentine's Day I think we actually broke up in the early hours of February the 15th.
- So technically, I didn't - Well, the very next day, you and Cara both resigned.
I mean, come on.
- Coincidence? - Is that what this is about? Me and Cara? Yeah, you two were always giggling away together.
Does not take a genius.
I was single for ages after you and me broke up.
Okay.
You know what, I I did like her.
I, um Took me a long time to realize it, but, um I did.
Uh, so I broke up with you and I thought I was doing the right thing.
- But you two never got together? - No.
Maybe that could've been something.
Maybe I should've fought harder for her.
But I didn't.
So that's that.
I heard she got married.
I'm getting married as well.
I'm very happy for you.
How about you? Just trying to not make the same mistakes twice.
Three times.
God knows how many times.
Well, once was enough for me.
I'm sorry, was I supposed to say something? Is it fair to say that your friendships make you feel safer than your romantic relationships? Seems like a rather crude analysis to me.
If you refuse to let sex be about love or friendship, what does that leave? Uh all the good stuff? Anyway, I have love.
I love my friends and they love me back.
Talk to me about Jo and Phoebe.
Oh, God.
I can't believe I'm paying you for this.
Everyone wants to be loved.
Nobody wants to get hurt.
But you don't get to have one without the possibility of the other.
Sorry, so is it my turn again? I, uh I noticed your plates struggling to drip dry, and I know everyone likes a dry plate, so Solving my kitchen problems.
My prince! Oh.
Sorry it's not as practical.
What am I meant to do with this? What's its function? It's a device for turning sunlight, rain and soil into color.
I've got something for you.
I'm literally giving you nothing.
This whole empty space is yours.
Would it ruin it if I sometimes left some socks in there? I could tolerate that.
Thank you.
I like it a lot.
- It's not too premature? - Don't think so.
It's exactly what I wanted.