Mandy (2019) s02e06 Episode Script
The Curse of Mandy Carter
1
Oh, Mandy
Well, you came and you gave
without taking
But I sent you away
Oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me and stopped me
from shaking
And I need you today
Oh, Mandy. ♪
Lucky heather, dear?
Oh, no, no, thanks.
Get yourself some good luck.
No, I'm all right.
For the pretty lady on a lovely day.
No, I'm OK.
It's only a pound.No, honestly.
Fuck you, then!
You're going to die!
SHE INCANTS, THUNDER RUMBLES
SHE CACKLES
SHE INCANTS
SHE COUGHS
SHE HISSES
It were dead scary, Lola.
I'm worried she's put
a curse on me or something.
Hey, are you going to stay up
on Friday and watch for the comet?
The what? The comet. An asteroid
It only comes every 76 years.
Oh, who gives a toss?
I never look up, me.
Wouldn't even give it
the satisfaction of craning me neck.
This is the closest to Earth
the comet has ever been.
They say you will be able
to see it with a naked eye.
What the fuck's a naked eye?
Sounds disgusting.
I've been reading all about it.
They say the comet is meant
to be a bad omen.
The last time it came,
we got the Spanish flu.
The time before that, vampires.
MANDY SIGHS
Fucking hell, that's all I need.
MUSIC: Messa da Requiem -
Dies Irae by Giuseppe Verdi
Oh, my God!
PHONE VIBRATES
Hello.Oh, God, Lola! Lola!
What is it, Mandy?
I've just got home
and there's a note through the door.
It says, "You know what
I'm here for. The Terminator"
It's from the Terminator!
The Terminator?
Who is the Terminator?
I don't know, but he's not a mobile
hairdresser, is he?
Maybe a hit man or something.
Oh, God, Lola, why didn't I just buy
the heather?
You should always buy the heather,
Mandy!
Just to be on the safe side.
I know. I've been really stupid.
Oh, Lola, can you come over?
I don't think I can face
being here on me own tonight.
No, I don't think I can.
Look, I know I'm late to the party,
but I wanted to binge-watch
King Tiger tonight,
and you don't have Netflix.
But I'm all alone here, Lola.
I'll come and check on you
in the morning.
You need to make a list of people
who might want you dead
and eliminate them one by one.
When you say eliminate,
what do you mean?
Apologise to them.
Oh, right.
I mean, who'd want me dead?
I suppose I told Linda Chaffinch
I didn't like her choppy bob once.
Can't be that, surely.
She can be quite small minded.
Or there was Derek Dribbs.
He asked me out,
but I turned him down.
Nothing personal. He just stank
and had a bit of a wet beard.
And there was Donna Ball.
Let her down in a bank robbery
and now she's doing 15 years
as a result.
What do you think, Lol?
Lol? Lol?!
Hello, is that Derek Dribbs?
Ah Hiya. It's Mandy,
Mandy Carter.
Yeah. I, um
I just wanted to apologise
for the way I turned you down
when you asked me out.
Yeah, I know, I know, it was a long
time ago, but I was a bit rude
and I just wanted to apologise.
Yeah, I know, I know. I should have
turned you down to your face.
Yeah, not put an advert
in the local paper.
All right. Yep.
All right, thanks. Bye, bye.
MUSIC: Messa da Requiem -
Dies Irae by Giuseppe Verdi
All right, Lol?
Oh, Mandy, you look terrible.
Been up all night,
apologising to people.
Someone's out to kill me, Lol.
I know.
I thought this article
might help you.
I doubt there's anything that
could help me now, Lol,
unless it's a second chance of life.
That's exactly what it is!
"I had sex with Hitler's ghost"?
No, below that.
"I got Aids from a cardigan"?
No, below that.
"I married my own mum"?
No, below that.
"24 great quiche recipes"?
No, below that.
"My second chance at life"?
Second chance at life, Mandy.
That's what you need.
Cryogenics.
Freezing human life.
I've never heard of cryogenics.
They've kept that quiet.
No-one tells me anything.
Well, it's still in its infancy,
like aromatherapy and ear candling.
They freeze your body when you die
and then in
a few hundred years' time
when they've worked out what to do,
they bring you back to life.
Hm. Amazing.
Yes. It's very expensive, though.
How much? £80,000.
Oh, Lol, why come here and tease me
with something I could never afford?
Well, I still think we should go
and see them.
Maybe you can pay in instalments.
Just the head? You can freeze
just the head?
Yes. It's only £30,000
and you can always decide later
if you want to attach a donor body.
But I've got lovely long legs.
Will my donor have lovely long
legs?
Well, it might be a case of beggars
not being choosers, I'm afraid,
but I can always pop it
in your notes.
Lovely long legs.
And can anything go wrong?
I'll be honest with you, Mandy,
there are a great number
of things that can go wrong,
the main one being pain.
We just don't know how
the human body
can handle being frozen for so long.
There is a possibility
that you could be in great agony.
Could you pop it me notes that
I'd like a couple of Nurofen?
Yes.
Nurofen.
Also, Mandy - and I'm sure
you've already considered this -
but, umyou won't know anybody.
You'll be all alone
in the modern world.
Why don't you get it done?
Then we can be thawed out together.
We do have an offer on
at the moment.BOGOF?
I don't know, Mandy.
I feel like it's tampering
with nature,
like Frankenstein or something.
It's the future.
I mean, imagine Einstein or
Isambard Kingdom Brunel being frozen
and having the technology
now to revive them?
Who? Imagine showing them
Google Maps.
Yeah, or a fidget spinner.
Or YouTube.
Yeah. Or Deliveroo.
Would you like some fried chicken
and a Fanta in the next 20 minutes,
man from the past?
Or Amazon.Amazon Prime.
You need a new hole punch,
with Amazon Prime,
you can get it delivered
the very same day.
Mm. They'd wonder with awe
at how far we'd come.
Imagine showing them a plane!
Yeah, they'd shit their pants.
Or TikTok.
OK!
Um If you take those pamphlets
away with you
and let me know what you think.
Uh-huh
CHAIR VIBRATES
VOICE SHAKES:
Lola, I've been thinking.
I don't think I will get
cryogenically frozen after all.
It's too expensive.
Oh, look. Kylie's got
a new young, French boyfriend.
I'm going to face me fate
with dignity.
He looks very handsome.
I hope this one doesn't mess her
around
like all her other handsome,
young French boyfriends.
Anyway, I just thought
I'd let you know
I'm going to go home and
have me last meal
before the Terminator comes.
I've had a massive jacket potato
in the oven since Wednesday.
How big is this potato?
It's massive, Lola.
You don't want it to be hard
in the middle.
No, I know. There's nothing worse.
Did you microwave it first?No.
Cos it's been in for a few days,
I thought it'd be fine.
Did you prick it?
No!
I've had a lot on me mind, Lola.
I've had death threats,
I've had ancient curses,
so forgive me if I forgot
to prick me bloody jacket potato!
MUSIC: Messa da Requiem -
Dies Irae by Giuseppe Verdi
You know what I'm here for.
The Terminator.
The Terminator!
Oh, God, just make it quick.
You what? No, I'm a bailiff,
here on behalf of Blockbusters.
Blockbusters?
The video rental company.
You took out a copy
of The Terminator in 1986
and never returned it.
What? Did I?
Wait here.
Yeah, you're right. I did.
Do you want it back? Yes, please.
Even though this format
is completely obsolete now.
Do I owe you any money or anything?
No.
Now it's been returned,
I'll cancel the fines.
Given that Blockbuster ceased
trading in 2013,
I would think this is the last
you'll be hearing from us.
OK.
As long as you rewound it.Yeah.
Bye, then.
Me giant potato!
MUSIC: Messa da Requiem -
Dies Irae by Giuseppe Verdi
MAN, ON PHONE: Emergency.
Which service do you require?
Oh, thank God, I've been trying
to get through to you for hours.
Do you have anyone who deals
with jacket potatoes?
Is this a wind-up?
No, no.
I think it's going to explode.
That's Fire, then. I can try putting
you through to the fire station,
but I don't think there's anyone
there at the moment.
They're all out looking
for this comet. What's the problem?
I've had a massive jacket potato
in the oven for days
and II forgot to prick it.
You forgot to prick it?Yes.
OK, here's what I'm going to need
you to do.
ALARM BEEPS, DEEP RUMBLING
After being watched fly through
the night sky by millions of people
across the country, the comet
crashed to Earth here,
in this normal front garden
in Radcliffe.
To think that the comet travelled
literally hundreds of thousands
of light years across the sky
and crashed here
in this ordinary garden is amazing.
As you can see, it's still
smouldering
from the sheer heat inside it.
RINGTONE
Hello? Hey, Neil.
Could you put me on to the
owner of the house, please?
Oh, right. It's for you.
You what?
Hello.
Hello. Is that your garden?
Who's asking?
It's Professor Cox.
Sounds like a porn name.
No, I'm a scientist who's allowed to
speak to normal people
because I've got a northern accent.
But this comet, can I buy it off you
on behalf of the Science Museum
for £20,000?
Make it 30 and
you've got yourself a deal.
Deal. You've done a great service
for science in this country.
Thanks.
I'll send a courier around
to pick it up.
Oh, don't bother,
I'll pop it in a Jiffy bag.
There she is.
Come on, waking up now.
Good, good, good, good.
Mandy, we've brought you back
to life.
The year is 3035 and, yeah,
you'll be pleased to hear
that the thawing process
was a complete success.
So, how are you feeling?
I feel fine, actually.
OK, good.
Now, even though we managed
to revive you,
we are still looking for a donor.
A donor? For what?
For your body.
Oh! Fucking hell!
Would you like a Nurofen
or anything?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind, actually.
A couple.
And the naproxen as well,
if you want, just take the edge off.
MUSIC: Messa da Requiem -
Dies Irae by Giuseppe Verdi
Oh, Mandy
Well, you came and you gave
without taking
But I sent you away
Oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me and stopped me
from shaking
And I need you today
Oh, Mandy. ♪
Lucky heather, dear?
Oh, no, no, thanks.
Get yourself some good luck.
No, I'm all right.
For the pretty lady on a lovely day.
No, I'm OK.
It's only a pound.No, honestly.
Fuck you, then!
You're going to die!
SHE INCANTS, THUNDER RUMBLES
SHE CACKLES
SHE INCANTS
SHE COUGHS
SHE HISSES
It were dead scary, Lola.
I'm worried she's put
a curse on me or something.
Hey, are you going to stay up
on Friday and watch for the comet?
The what? The comet. An asteroid
It only comes every 76 years.
Oh, who gives a toss?
I never look up, me.
Wouldn't even give it
the satisfaction of craning me neck.
This is the closest to Earth
the comet has ever been.
They say you will be able
to see it with a naked eye.
What the fuck's a naked eye?
Sounds disgusting.
I've been reading all about it.
They say the comet is meant
to be a bad omen.
The last time it came,
we got the Spanish flu.
The time before that, vampires.
MANDY SIGHS
Fucking hell, that's all I need.
MUSIC: Messa da Requiem -
Dies Irae by Giuseppe Verdi
Oh, my God!
PHONE VIBRATES
Hello.Oh, God, Lola! Lola!
What is it, Mandy?
I've just got home
and there's a note through the door.
It says, "You know what
I'm here for. The Terminator"
It's from the Terminator!
The Terminator?
Who is the Terminator?
I don't know, but he's not a mobile
hairdresser, is he?
Maybe a hit man or something.
Oh, God, Lola, why didn't I just buy
the heather?
You should always buy the heather,
Mandy!
Just to be on the safe side.
I know. I've been really stupid.
Oh, Lola, can you come over?
I don't think I can face
being here on me own tonight.
No, I don't think I can.
Look, I know I'm late to the party,
but I wanted to binge-watch
King Tiger tonight,
and you don't have Netflix.
But I'm all alone here, Lola.
I'll come and check on you
in the morning.
You need to make a list of people
who might want you dead
and eliminate them one by one.
When you say eliminate,
what do you mean?
Apologise to them.
Oh, right.
I mean, who'd want me dead?
I suppose I told Linda Chaffinch
I didn't like her choppy bob once.
Can't be that, surely.
She can be quite small minded.
Or there was Derek Dribbs.
He asked me out,
but I turned him down.
Nothing personal. He just stank
and had a bit of a wet beard.
And there was Donna Ball.
Let her down in a bank robbery
and now she's doing 15 years
as a result.
What do you think, Lol?
Lol? Lol?!
Hello, is that Derek Dribbs?
Ah Hiya. It's Mandy,
Mandy Carter.
Yeah. I, um
I just wanted to apologise
for the way I turned you down
when you asked me out.
Yeah, I know, I know, it was a long
time ago, but I was a bit rude
and I just wanted to apologise.
Yeah, I know, I know. I should have
turned you down to your face.
Yeah, not put an advert
in the local paper.
All right. Yep.
All right, thanks. Bye, bye.
MUSIC: Messa da Requiem -
Dies Irae by Giuseppe Verdi
All right, Lol?
Oh, Mandy, you look terrible.
Been up all night,
apologising to people.
Someone's out to kill me, Lol.
I know.
I thought this article
might help you.
I doubt there's anything that
could help me now, Lol,
unless it's a second chance of life.
That's exactly what it is!
"I had sex with Hitler's ghost"?
No, below that.
"I got Aids from a cardigan"?
No, below that.
"I married my own mum"?
No, below that.
"24 great quiche recipes"?
No, below that.
"My second chance at life"?
Second chance at life, Mandy.
That's what you need.
Cryogenics.
Freezing human life.
I've never heard of cryogenics.
They've kept that quiet.
No-one tells me anything.
Well, it's still in its infancy,
like aromatherapy and ear candling.
They freeze your body when you die
and then in
a few hundred years' time
when they've worked out what to do,
they bring you back to life.
Hm. Amazing.
Yes. It's very expensive, though.
How much? £80,000.
Oh, Lol, why come here and tease me
with something I could never afford?
Well, I still think we should go
and see them.
Maybe you can pay in instalments.
Just the head? You can freeze
just the head?
Yes. It's only £30,000
and you can always decide later
if you want to attach a donor body.
But I've got lovely long legs.
Will my donor have lovely long
legs?
Well, it might be a case of beggars
not being choosers, I'm afraid,
but I can always pop it
in your notes.
Lovely long legs.
And can anything go wrong?
I'll be honest with you, Mandy,
there are a great number
of things that can go wrong,
the main one being pain.
We just don't know how
the human body
can handle being frozen for so long.
There is a possibility
that you could be in great agony.
Could you pop it me notes that
I'd like a couple of Nurofen?
Yes.
Nurofen.
Also, Mandy - and I'm sure
you've already considered this -
but, umyou won't know anybody.
You'll be all alone
in the modern world.
Why don't you get it done?
Then we can be thawed out together.
We do have an offer on
at the moment.BOGOF?
I don't know, Mandy.
I feel like it's tampering
with nature,
like Frankenstein or something.
It's the future.
I mean, imagine Einstein or
Isambard Kingdom Brunel being frozen
and having the technology
now to revive them?
Who? Imagine showing them
Google Maps.
Yeah, or a fidget spinner.
Or YouTube.
Yeah. Or Deliveroo.
Would you like some fried chicken
and a Fanta in the next 20 minutes,
man from the past?
Or Amazon.Amazon Prime.
You need a new hole punch,
with Amazon Prime,
you can get it delivered
the very same day.
Mm. They'd wonder with awe
at how far we'd come.
Imagine showing them a plane!
Yeah, they'd shit their pants.
Or TikTok.
OK!
Um If you take those pamphlets
away with you
and let me know what you think.
Uh-huh
CHAIR VIBRATES
VOICE SHAKES:
Lola, I've been thinking.
I don't think I will get
cryogenically frozen after all.
It's too expensive.
Oh, look. Kylie's got
a new young, French boyfriend.
I'm going to face me fate
with dignity.
He looks very handsome.
I hope this one doesn't mess her
around
like all her other handsome,
young French boyfriends.
Anyway, I just thought
I'd let you know
I'm going to go home and
have me last meal
before the Terminator comes.
I've had a massive jacket potato
in the oven since Wednesday.
How big is this potato?
It's massive, Lola.
You don't want it to be hard
in the middle.
No, I know. There's nothing worse.
Did you microwave it first?No.
Cos it's been in for a few days,
I thought it'd be fine.
Did you prick it?
No!
I've had a lot on me mind, Lola.
I've had death threats,
I've had ancient curses,
so forgive me if I forgot
to prick me bloody jacket potato!
MUSIC: Messa da Requiem -
Dies Irae by Giuseppe Verdi
You know what I'm here for.
The Terminator.
The Terminator!
Oh, God, just make it quick.
You what? No, I'm a bailiff,
here on behalf of Blockbusters.
Blockbusters?
The video rental company.
You took out a copy
of The Terminator in 1986
and never returned it.
What? Did I?
Wait here.
Yeah, you're right. I did.
Do you want it back? Yes, please.
Even though this format
is completely obsolete now.
Do I owe you any money or anything?
No.
Now it's been returned,
I'll cancel the fines.
Given that Blockbuster ceased
trading in 2013,
I would think this is the last
you'll be hearing from us.
OK.
As long as you rewound it.Yeah.
Bye, then.
Me giant potato!
MUSIC: Messa da Requiem -
Dies Irae by Giuseppe Verdi
MAN, ON PHONE: Emergency.
Which service do you require?
Oh, thank God, I've been trying
to get through to you for hours.
Do you have anyone who deals
with jacket potatoes?
Is this a wind-up?
No, no.
I think it's going to explode.
That's Fire, then. I can try putting
you through to the fire station,
but I don't think there's anyone
there at the moment.
They're all out looking
for this comet. What's the problem?
I've had a massive jacket potato
in the oven for days
and II forgot to prick it.
You forgot to prick it?Yes.
OK, here's what I'm going to need
you to do.
ALARM BEEPS, DEEP RUMBLING
After being watched fly through
the night sky by millions of people
across the country, the comet
crashed to Earth here,
in this normal front garden
in Radcliffe.
To think that the comet travelled
literally hundreds of thousands
of light years across the sky
and crashed here
in this ordinary garden is amazing.
As you can see, it's still
smouldering
from the sheer heat inside it.
RINGTONE
Hello? Hey, Neil.
Could you put me on to the
owner of the house, please?
Oh, right. It's for you.
You what?
Hello.
Hello. Is that your garden?
Who's asking?
It's Professor Cox.
Sounds like a porn name.
No, I'm a scientist who's allowed to
speak to normal people
because I've got a northern accent.
But this comet, can I buy it off you
on behalf of the Science Museum
for £20,000?
Make it 30 and
you've got yourself a deal.
Deal. You've done a great service
for science in this country.
Thanks.
I'll send a courier around
to pick it up.
Oh, don't bother,
I'll pop it in a Jiffy bag.
There she is.
Come on, waking up now.
Good, good, good, good.
Mandy, we've brought you back
to life.
The year is 3035 and, yeah,
you'll be pleased to hear
that the thawing process
was a complete success.
So, how are you feeling?
I feel fine, actually.
OK, good.
Now, even though we managed
to revive you,
we are still looking for a donor.
A donor? For what?
For your body.
Oh! Fucking hell!
Would you like a Nurofen
or anything?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind, actually.
A couple.
And the naproxen as well,
if you want, just take the edge off.
MUSIC: Messa da Requiem -
Dies Irae by Giuseppe Verdi