Marley's Ghosts (2011) s02e06 Episode Script
Christmas
1 MARLEY: Above thy deep and dreamless sleep The silent stars go by Yet in the dark streets shineth The everlasting light The hopes and fears of all the years Are met in thee to- There's football on! Would you shut up? Well, that's not the Christmas spirit.
Well, it's not Christmas! I know, but we are singing a Christmas song a God song, a Christmas Carol.
- carol.
ADAM HUFFS New vicar wants to hear the Christmas choir.
Me and Abby always used to do that for you, didn't we, do you remember? Yeah, I do.
Are you coming, Michael? Don't be ridiculous, soccer's on.
First match of the season.
Or something.
O little town of Bethlehem How still we see thee lie Yet in the dark streets shineth The everlasting light - Yes.
The hopes and fears of all the years OK, thank you.
Heard enough.
- HE LAUGHS Yes.
So, you're the Christmas choir? Yes, and we have been for the last six years.
Question is, why weren't you all singing? Oh no I thought we were.
Well, they were.
You were making some sort of noise.
Some sort of squeaking noise.
OK, so our old vicar said that I had quite a I don't care what your old vicar said.
OK? This year we're going to do things a bit different.
What? Why? Why? I always did a really good Christmas.
Why are we doing this in the summer? I'm famous for my Christmas nativity play.
I need to see what I've got to work with and by the sound of things, not a great deal.
Marley, is it? Yes.
Who gave you voice? Huh? The gift to vocalise? Oh.
Well, er, my mum had a pretty good - REV.
ROSE: God! - Oh.
God gave you voice, child.
You really want God to know that that's how you're using it? I mean, He's forgiving, but in your case I'm not so sure.
I've been in the Christmas choir for six years.
Do you know what I am? - Yes, I do.
But I'm in a church so I'm not allowed to say it.
I am a new broom.
I'm going to brush away the old and sweep in the new and from what I hear, your old vicar didn't put on much of a show.
VICAR GASPS Yes I did, actually! We had Jesus stories and we had the children dancing and then, we had the er the songs, the Carols.
- Carols! Hmm.
My show is going to have Oh, I dunno, let me see music, drums, props, costumes, shepherds, kings, slave girls.
Slave what? The three kings were there.
In those days you got kings, you got slave girls.
And hopefully a few more dads attending.
Oh.
And this year I intend to announce the arrival of drama.
Last year at St.
Luke's the local chronicle called my production and I quote 'a festival fantastic, spectacular, a must see' and then it goes on to say 'the Reverend Rose's portrayal of Joseph is unsurpassed'.
Unsurpassed! Usually it's the children that do the nativity.
Can they act? - Can you? I am but a humble player.
I thought you were a vicar.
- A reverend, if you please.
'Mixing tradition with Andrew Lloyd Webber's Starlight Express - choo choo - was inspired'.
Sounds a bit complicated.
- Don't worry your pretty little head about it.
Oh, excuse me.
I'm not a pretty little head.
And that's why you won't be a slave girl.
Well maybe I don't want to be a slave girl.
Um, no I do though.
I may have lost my place in the Christmas choir? But that does not mean to say that I will lose my MARLEY SCREAMS Dignity, I think she was gonna say.
Is that right, Marley? Dig dignity, Marley? MARLEY GROANS Marley SIRENS BLARE That new vicar was really very rude to Marley, and me.
Said Marley couldn't sing and that my Christmases were rubbish.
Which is just not true.
Is it? Everyone loves my Palm Sunday and my Ash Wednesday and What's the one with the eggs? Easter.
- Easter.
Did a wonderful Easter.
Did Marley say anything after the accident, before the ambulance? She made noises.
Uh Ah Did any of them sound like 'tell Adam I love him? Why would she say that? Because that's how she feels.
Yeah, but she loves me more.
Me more.
- Me more.
Let's just not do this again, alright? Marley's in hospital, let's have a bit of respect.
Fine.
I saw that.
- What? You just mouthed 'me more'.
- So? So, she loves me more.
Me more.
- Me more.
Right, OK then, let's just say it together, right? After three.
OK.
- Right? One, two Me more.
Sorry, I thought I thought it was a race, first to say it wins.
It's not a race! - Mrs Wise? Marley, doctor's here.
Mrs Wise.
- Marley.
Good sleep? Excellent.
OK.
How is she? DOCTOR: You're fine.
- Right.
We've run tests.
It could've been a lot worse.
Nasty fall.
You've been lucky, just some bruising.
You see because I, I DOCTOR: I know, I know you're going to be worried.
No need to be.
We've double checked.
Baby's fine.
What do you mean? Was there a baby involved? Whose baby? You're both fine.
Both? I don't understand.
What what's both? Mme? am baby are fine.
I'll be back.
What ADAM GASPS ADAM SQUEALS Oh! Oh Adam! THEY SOB SHE LAUGHS - Michael! Michael! We're gonna Vicar.
Oh, I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna have Oh Oh God.
VICAR EXHALES Maybe they got it wrong.
Well, you saw the tests, Vicar.
The scan.
Yeah it was lovely, a little baby.
And you didn't know? Wall apparently m: mm happen-n.
I'm pregnant, Michael.
And? - And? What? Who's the father? Does it matter? Yes, it bloody matters.
OK, so Adam and Michael died at the beginning of April Yeah and I'm four and a half months so that has to be end of March.
OK.
Right, well twenty-first of March um, you were at a legislator's convention, any sex? No! Alright, I only asked, it is a convention.
Um, right, the twenty-second you were on a train from Aberdeen, any sex? What? On a train? - SHE SCOFFS People don't have sex on trains.
I told you that in confidence, I was at university, it happened once.
OK twice, I was young, Danny was very good looking and spontaneous anyway that doesn't apply now.
Well yeah I think it does apply, just because you were young if you're the sort of woman that has sex on a train - Yeah I'm not the sort of woman who has sex on - you're the sort of woman who has sex on trains.
That is very rude and disrespectful, how dare you, I'm having trouble keeping a straight face, I've had so much sex on trains.
Can we sort this out please? MICHAEL: Who's the father? OK, so the twenty-third you had lunch with the Mayor? And then a meeting at the civic council.
Twenty-fourth you had dinner with the ombudsman.
OK, so I haven't been to bed with the Mayor, the civic council or the ombudsman.
In fact the only men I have been to bed with in the last twenty years are Adam and Michael.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, I can't believe I can't remember.
Well, I should imagine that Michael's quite forgettable in bed.
Well, hang on a minute, it could've been me, I could've been forgettable in bed.
On any other day I wouldn't have said that.
Do you not remember? Er, I was always drunk.
I'm not sure, um maybe.
- Oh, come on Marley, think! Passion, clothes ripping, kissing, biting, grabbing.
Oh yeah.
Are you thinking about that Daniel? Tarts and vicars! What? - What? Hmm? MICHAEL: You'd just got back from Aberdeen and you were really happy because you got that promotion and we went straight to the office party and there were costumes and prizes.
Yeah, tarts and vicars.
- That's right and Mr Alan got really drunk and started making passes at all the women which was even worse because he actually was a vicar.
Yes, and then we drove him back home And on the way back - Yeah, in the back of the car Twice! Backs of cars, trains.
Who are you? - MICHAEL: Yes! Yes, I'm gonna be a Dad.
- SHE LAUGHS Oh Adam, I'm so sorry.
But to be fair you do already have a daughter.
I never knew her, I never saw her.
Congratulations Michael.
Thank you Adam.
If I could shake your hand, I would.
Really? - No, sorry.
I'm going to be a father.
HE GASPS Listen, people of Bethlehem, she's having a baby! That's when you come in I say, 'she's having a baby!' you sing 'hallelujah' OK? REV.
ROSE: Listen, people of Bethlehem she's having a baby.
Hallelujah.
Well they can't come in here, there's no room at the at the, what is it? Inn.
- Inn.
It's inn, Mr Pauly, and you don't say it until the drumming starts.
Alright, sorry.
- HE PLAYS THE DRUMS DRUMMING STOPS OK? It's fine, we've still got four months, OK? So let's take five and then come back and start from the top.
OK.
So anyway I just want to let you know that I've worked it out.
So did I, I've checked my diary and it's got to be the twenty-ninth.
Yes it is, that's right.
MRS BAINS: Congratulations on the baby.
Oh.
Thank you, Mrs Bains.
- Everyone's talking about it.
Thank you, Abby.
Shame you don't know who the father is.
What was it? Stranger up an alley or something? No.
No, it wasn't a stranger up an alley, I know who the father is.
So do I.
- I think it worked it out last night.
It was the night of your party.
- Which I'd completely forgotten about.
Well I remember it because I won first prize for the best outfit.
Tarts and vicars.
What? The party, that was the theme.
I didn't know that.
Well what did you think you'd won first prize for? Oh anyway - Sailor, in a dockyard was it? I know who the father is, thank you, Mrs Bains.
OK, so I'd passed out behind the sofa and everyone had gone home and then Adam came back and he was really drunk and you'd got really drunk.
Oh my God, yes, that's right.
And you were crying and so he hugged you and, um, then I heard you kiss.
Oh my God, I was feeling really guilty about the car thing with Michael and Asam was being really sweet and so we Yep yeah, you did.
Listen, people of Bethlehem, she's having a baby So maybe it's Adam's.
Hallelujah.
- Hallelujah.
Three times! HE LAUGHS - I didn't say it was three times.
Well how do you know? You couldn't even remember doing it the first time.
I'm sticking with the hat trick.
We still don't know whose it is.
What I thought we'd do is like upstairs where's there's those two extra rooms knock them together so that Roy's room is gonna have more space Who? - Roy, our son.
Ah, OK, so er, there's a fifty percent chance it's a boy there's a fifty percent chance you're the father, however it's a one hundred percent definite that whatever the sex, whoever the father, this child will never, ever? And I cannot stress this strongly enough ever be called Roy! And it might not be your child, it could still be my child.
How do you, no, of course it's my child I mean it was the same night, it's my guys against your guys and I was a good swimmer.
Well that's got nothing to do with whether - What about Bernie? Bernie's a good name.
- Oh, it's a terrible name.
Hey Bernie, are you coming down the pub? Bernie, football's on.
Bernie, my sister really fancies you, everyone loves Bernie.
And down the bottom of the garden where we've got all those old bushes and stuff we could put up a little goal post, then when he's bigger.
- Oh no Bernie's not having a oh God, you see, I'm saying it now.
Well, because it's a good name.
No, it's not a good name.
- Tristan's a good name.
No son of mine is ever being called Tristan.
DOORBELL RINGS Well that's OK because it's not your son.
Of course it's my son, I've always wanted a son, I've got plans for the boy.
He's not your boy, he's gonna be my boy, I'm the father.
I'm the father.
- KNOCKS AT DOOR REV.
ROSE: Hello? Reverend Rose.
I've just heard the wonderful news, a December baby it's your chance to contribute.
- To what? Look I'm gonna have shepherds, kings, slave girls music, lights and drums, what I need what no other vicar will have is a real child.
You want my baby? - I do.
I mean it's perfect.
There was mystery surrounding the birth of our Lord and rumour has it there's mystery surrounding your child.
Something to do with a sailor up an alley? No, no it wasn't a there's no mystery.
- Mm hmm.
MICHAEL: What's wrong with Tristan? My son will never be called Tristan.
He's not your son.
Well there's a bit of mystery but ADAM: Bernie would never hang out with a Tristan.
It's not Bernie.
- What? No, er, no, nothing.
I mean, it's not for months and it would only be for a few hours.
Remember what the Israelites said to King David.
Oh, er Well Oh hang on, it's on the tip of my tongue, this.
If thou can help someone, do so with joy.
Right, yeah.
- And who knows.
- That's it.
God willing, we might get lucky, hmm? You may actually bear the babe on Christmas Day in which case you could give birth in church in our nativity stable.
I'm not giving birth in your stable.
Actually we're thinking of having our own service so if she's gonna give birth in a stable, it'll probably be our stable.
I'm not giving birth in anyone's stable I don't know anything about babies but I do know they're not born in a stable.
SHE SOBS Ah.
Are you OK, Marley? Well, you heard me.
I know that a baby should be born in a hospital but that's all I know it's my entire parenting knowledge: try not to give birth in a stable.
Mary gave birth in a stable.
Well given the choice, Vicar, given the choice.
- The choice.
It's reverend.
What? Reverend.
- Yes! MARLEY: What was I thinking? There's books to read, classes.
I don't know how to look after a baby.
We used to babysit for Mia.
You dropped her.
You won't be dropping my baby.
How can he drop your baby? He can't even pick it up, he's dead.
You're both dead.
You can't wipe a bottom mange: nappy, pun prism.
The baby won't be able to hear you or see you, how can you help? I'm gonna have a baby all on my own and I haven't got a clue how to do it.
BELLS TOLL ADAM: I mean Tristan, seriously.
What next? Sebastian or Caspar? Do that and you're on the rocky road to Peregrine.
I mean, come on if you hadn't been Jesus you'd have probably gone for something like Roy or Bernie or well, maybe not Bernie but Tristan? You can't talk to God like that.
I'm praying here, Michael, do you mind this is a private conversation between me and my God.
He's got poverty and plague to deal with he doesn't wanna hear you bleat on about my son.
He's not your son, he's my son.
Mine.
- Mine.
- Mine.
Mine.
- Mine.
- Mine.
Mine.
- Mine! That's not praying, that's shouting, you're shouting at God.
I'm not shouting at God, I'm shouting at you.
HE SIGHS Let me apologise for Adam's lack of respect on a more holy subject I'd like to ask for a happy birth and to thank You for bringing yet another of Your children into this world.
Yeah that's good, I, I wanna add that to my prayer as well I want to say the same.
- No that, that, that's my prayer, you can't - Now who's shouting? - Sorry.
Oh, don't apologise to me.
Sorry for shouting.
And for making a fuss.
- And for making a fuss.
And for being a dick.
- And for Well, it was worth a try, now do you mind if I get back to my prayer? Marley says you've got to come home now; she thinks the baby's coming.
Well, come on.
Please make the baby be mine.
Mine.
- Mine.
- Mine.
BELL RINGS OK, big day today.
- Morning, Reverend.
Christmas Day, good morning.
- Morning.
Are we all ready for greatness? - Yes! Good, excellent.
There we are, right.
In.
Come on in, in.
Let's get this show on the road! Ah! SHE STRAINS I think we should call Abby.
What? You said we'd be able to do this on our own, your words.
If I'm gonna have a baby we're gonna have to learn to do things on our own.
Of course we can do it on our own, we don't need anyone else, we're a family.
We're a family.
Now we all know our responsibilities, let's get on with it my baby's waiting to say hello.
- It's not your baby.
It's not yours.
- It's not yours.
Not yours.
- Not yours.
- Not yours.
Boys! Oh! Sorry, frightened myself there.
For once could today just be about Marley please? Oh! ALL: Oh! Do you want to put your bag down? No because I'll never be able to pick it up.
Wha- er - Breathe.
- OK.
Breathe in.
SHE STRAINS - Backwards, backwards, go backwards.
SHE STRAINS Right, let's get to the hospital.
OK, now I've given this some thought and the road's still up in Matthew Avenue there's that Santa display in the square so the quickest way to the hospital is through the woods.
What? There's a road through the woods, trust me.
Yeah.
ENGINE REVS ENGINE REVS ENGINE REVS Oh come on.
Oh! Next time I say trust me it might be an idea not to.
I said we should've phoned Abby.
- Not helping Michael.
Besides, like Marley says, we're gonna have to learn to do this on our own.
Well we should call her now.
Yeah yeah, what did I do with the phone? Who was in charge of the phone? Err Adam? - Was it you, Michael? Vicar, was it you? Oh.
- No.
MARLEY PANTS You had one job.
Remind me to pack the phone.
You were, you were in pain and I was upset, I forgot it.
VICAR: Well, what are we gonna do? Well, I tell you what we're not gonna do.
What we're not gonna do is panic, what are we not gonna do, Vicar? Panic.
I think I need to panic.
- Yeah, no one is gonna panic.
The prospective father's allowed to panic.
Well if he can panic, can I panic? No one's gonna panic, as father of the child, I am taking charge.
I'm the father of the child.
- Do you wanna take charge? No, I'm happy with the panicking.
Right, OK, it's simple, we've just gotta look at the logic.
We've got a pregnant lady who's gonna give birth we don't know where we are and we don't know where we're going.
MARLEY AND ADAM SIGH OK, you can panic.
No one's gonna bloody panic.
Oh I know, we could pray to God.
That's more of a leisure activity, Vicar.
- Well it sometimes helps.
Well He's not gonna show up with a compass.
CHURCH BELL TOLLS What's that? It's Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.
Oh, oh it's MARLEY PANTS Come on.
Do you think you can make it? This is it, in you go.
Kingly.
Be kingly, Barry.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA MARLEY: Reverend.
Oh Reverend.
There's no one about, everything's shut.
You've gotta get me to hospital.
Err But- The baby's coming and I'm not here to contribute to the festivities.
But, but the chronicle's inside to review us.
Oh, well that's different! Oh, well then, yes, of course, in that case I'd be happy to lower my back, legs akimbo, squirting out a child for the local ladies to read about.
Really? No! Get her to a bloody hospital! - She's giving birth.
OK hang on, I'm sure someone inside can help.
SHE SCREAMS IN PAIN - I said hang on! Shh.
SHE STRAINS Um, err, need a bit of help.
Err there's a child about to be- Hallelujah.
No actually really - Well they can't come in here! No.
- There's no room in the In the What the? Inn! It's inn Mr Pauly, God! You've had four months, mate.
And you don't say it until the drums start.
- DRUMS PLAY No, not now, there's a child about to be born! Hallelujah - Oh bloody hell.
HE PANTS No, they won't listen.
What? What? What? What?! Hark, I hear the sound of Joseph's footsteps.
DRUMS PLAY - ABBY: Yes.
So do I, hark.
I hear them as well, Joseph's footsteps! HE STRAINS What are you doing? I'm taking you to hospital, because apparently a stable isn't good enough for some people! SHE PANTS But I thought you had a car? No, I only have a bike, so this will have to do, get in.
Really? - It's our only choice unless you want to walk the whole way.
Oh my God.
Oh for God's sake.
Oh, Job said a wheelbarrow.
Oh not now, Vicar.
Lord, guide me to thy hospital with this poor, wretched woman! Stop! Stop! Alright this poor woman.
Stop, I can't take this anymore.
- Oh.
There must be some other way.
- Er, well I could run back to the church No, no, don't leave me Stop a car, any car.
Er a car.
VICAR: A car! - This is all your fault.
Really? - Yeah.
Or yours.
- What? - Oh.
Oh please stop, please! - CAR HORN HONKS Ah! Oh, sir! Please stop.
- CAR HORN HONKS Ah! Ah.
Nobody wants to stop.
- MARLEY STRAINS Well, would you stop for a strange man with a fake beard and robes? I see your point.
HE STRAINS Oh, OK.
HE STRAINS - Because that's not going to improve our chances.
SHE GROANS - Oh.
Look, why don't I run back to the church? - Don't leave me! Just stop a car! Alright, alright but if I stop a car then next year you're playing Mary and that is Jesus.
Just stop a car! - Do we have a deal? Yes! - Fine! - Anything! Promise? - Promise! Right.
In the name of almighty God Stop! CAR HORN HONKS.
- Stop! TIRES SCREECH CRASHING SOUND - BABY CRYING Marley.
I just want to say - Shh, shh.
Are you the father? - REV.
ROSE: No.
I'm the man who made the car stop, eventually.
The father remains a mystery, something to do with a sailor in a dockyard.
It was not a sailor down, oh I give up.
I'm too tired.
I'm a tart, I was done against a wall down the docks, happy? REV.
ROSE: That's OK.
Remember what our Lord said to those who cast out loose women.
No, no I don't know what our Lord said on Loose Women.
Sorry.
If you're not the father.
And I don't know what St.
Peter said to Abraham or what the Israelites said to David or any of it, I just I can't help being rubbish.
Oh I'm sorry Marley, you're gonna need me and I'm gonna be rubbish because I don't know anything.
Vicar it doesn't matter you don't know anything.
What matters is that you're the kindest and most wonderful woman I've ever met.
And children need people like you.
And I'm not going to be able to bring up this baby without you.
Really? Really.
Thank you, Marley.
It doesn't matter who her dad is, she's never gonna know her father.
She's never gonna hear us or see us.
MICHAEL: Whoever her father is, he'll always be there for her.
Watching out for her.
- Michael What? Think she's watching me now.
MICHAEL: I doubt it.
- ADAM: No, I'm serious look.
Just because Marley can see ghosts doesn't mean - Boo.
BABY GURGLES Did she just smile at me? - No, she smiled at me.
MICHAEL: No, she smiled at me.
- ADAM: Me more.
Me more.
Me more.
- Me more.
Me more.
- Me more.
Me more.
- Me more.
- Me more.
Jesus Christ our little child What have you got there? - DNA results.
OK.
Who's the father? - I haven't opened it.
Oh.
It's been a wonderful year.
One of them's gonna be devastated.
- I know.
Marley, we're gonna be late.
Hang on a minute.
- ABBY HUFFS What's that? - MARLEY: This is it.
Shall we get on with it? Oh, the suspense is killing me.
Shall I open it? Yeah.
No.
Hang on, I don't know, Michael? I really like being a dad, I don't wanna not be one anymore, Adam? I mean obviously my boys are stronger than your boys but one of yours might've sneaked in, you know you're quite sneaky.
I'm not sneaky.
- You were sneaking around with my wife.
Not my fault you can't hold onto a woman.
Do you want me to open this or not? No.
TOGETHER: We can both be her dad.
Marley, we are going to be late for the church.
Yes, OK.
SHE HUFFS CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYS REV.
ROSE: Listen, people of Bethlehem she is having a baby.
Hallelujah.
Well they can't in come here, there's no room at the the Inn, Mr Pauly, inn.
BABY CRYING - CHRISTMAS BELLS RINGING
Well, it's not Christmas! I know, but we are singing a Christmas song a God song, a Christmas Carol.
- carol.
ADAM HUFFS New vicar wants to hear the Christmas choir.
Me and Abby always used to do that for you, didn't we, do you remember? Yeah, I do.
Are you coming, Michael? Don't be ridiculous, soccer's on.
First match of the season.
Or something.
O little town of Bethlehem How still we see thee lie Yet in the dark streets shineth The everlasting light - Yes.
The hopes and fears of all the years OK, thank you.
Heard enough.
- HE LAUGHS Yes.
So, you're the Christmas choir? Yes, and we have been for the last six years.
Question is, why weren't you all singing? Oh no I thought we were.
Well, they were.
You were making some sort of noise.
Some sort of squeaking noise.
OK, so our old vicar said that I had quite a I don't care what your old vicar said.
OK? This year we're going to do things a bit different.
What? Why? Why? I always did a really good Christmas.
Why are we doing this in the summer? I'm famous for my Christmas nativity play.
I need to see what I've got to work with and by the sound of things, not a great deal.
Marley, is it? Yes.
Who gave you voice? Huh? The gift to vocalise? Oh.
Well, er, my mum had a pretty good - REV.
ROSE: God! - Oh.
God gave you voice, child.
You really want God to know that that's how you're using it? I mean, He's forgiving, but in your case I'm not so sure.
I've been in the Christmas choir for six years.
Do you know what I am? - Yes, I do.
But I'm in a church so I'm not allowed to say it.
I am a new broom.
I'm going to brush away the old and sweep in the new and from what I hear, your old vicar didn't put on much of a show.
VICAR GASPS Yes I did, actually! We had Jesus stories and we had the children dancing and then, we had the er the songs, the Carols.
- Carols! Hmm.
My show is going to have Oh, I dunno, let me see music, drums, props, costumes, shepherds, kings, slave girls.
Slave what? The three kings were there.
In those days you got kings, you got slave girls.
And hopefully a few more dads attending.
Oh.
And this year I intend to announce the arrival of drama.
Last year at St.
Luke's the local chronicle called my production and I quote 'a festival fantastic, spectacular, a must see' and then it goes on to say 'the Reverend Rose's portrayal of Joseph is unsurpassed'.
Unsurpassed! Usually it's the children that do the nativity.
Can they act? - Can you? I am but a humble player.
I thought you were a vicar.
- A reverend, if you please.
'Mixing tradition with Andrew Lloyd Webber's Starlight Express - choo choo - was inspired'.
Sounds a bit complicated.
- Don't worry your pretty little head about it.
Oh, excuse me.
I'm not a pretty little head.
And that's why you won't be a slave girl.
Well maybe I don't want to be a slave girl.
Um, no I do though.
I may have lost my place in the Christmas choir? But that does not mean to say that I will lose my MARLEY SCREAMS Dignity, I think she was gonna say.
Is that right, Marley? Dig dignity, Marley? MARLEY GROANS Marley SIRENS BLARE That new vicar was really very rude to Marley, and me.
Said Marley couldn't sing and that my Christmases were rubbish.
Which is just not true.
Is it? Everyone loves my Palm Sunday and my Ash Wednesday and What's the one with the eggs? Easter.
- Easter.
Did a wonderful Easter.
Did Marley say anything after the accident, before the ambulance? She made noises.
Uh Ah Did any of them sound like 'tell Adam I love him? Why would she say that? Because that's how she feels.
Yeah, but she loves me more.
Me more.
- Me more.
Let's just not do this again, alright? Marley's in hospital, let's have a bit of respect.
Fine.
I saw that.
- What? You just mouthed 'me more'.
- So? So, she loves me more.
Me more.
- Me more.
Right, OK then, let's just say it together, right? After three.
OK.
- Right? One, two Me more.
Sorry, I thought I thought it was a race, first to say it wins.
It's not a race! - Mrs Wise? Marley, doctor's here.
Mrs Wise.
- Marley.
Good sleep? Excellent.
OK.
How is she? DOCTOR: You're fine.
- Right.
We've run tests.
It could've been a lot worse.
Nasty fall.
You've been lucky, just some bruising.
You see because I, I DOCTOR: I know, I know you're going to be worried.
No need to be.
We've double checked.
Baby's fine.
What do you mean? Was there a baby involved? Whose baby? You're both fine.
Both? I don't understand.
What what's both? Mme? am baby are fine.
I'll be back.
What ADAM GASPS ADAM SQUEALS Oh! Oh Adam! THEY SOB SHE LAUGHS - Michael! Michael! We're gonna Vicar.
Oh, I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna have Oh Oh God.
VICAR EXHALES Maybe they got it wrong.
Well, you saw the tests, Vicar.
The scan.
Yeah it was lovely, a little baby.
And you didn't know? Wall apparently m: mm happen-n.
I'm pregnant, Michael.
And? - And? What? Who's the father? Does it matter? Yes, it bloody matters.
OK, so Adam and Michael died at the beginning of April Yeah and I'm four and a half months so that has to be end of March.
OK.
Right, well twenty-first of March um, you were at a legislator's convention, any sex? No! Alright, I only asked, it is a convention.
Um, right, the twenty-second you were on a train from Aberdeen, any sex? What? On a train? - SHE SCOFFS People don't have sex on trains.
I told you that in confidence, I was at university, it happened once.
OK twice, I was young, Danny was very good looking and spontaneous anyway that doesn't apply now.
Well yeah I think it does apply, just because you were young if you're the sort of woman that has sex on a train - Yeah I'm not the sort of woman who has sex on - you're the sort of woman who has sex on trains.
That is very rude and disrespectful, how dare you, I'm having trouble keeping a straight face, I've had so much sex on trains.
Can we sort this out please? MICHAEL: Who's the father? OK, so the twenty-third you had lunch with the Mayor? And then a meeting at the civic council.
Twenty-fourth you had dinner with the ombudsman.
OK, so I haven't been to bed with the Mayor, the civic council or the ombudsman.
In fact the only men I have been to bed with in the last twenty years are Adam and Michael.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, I can't believe I can't remember.
Well, I should imagine that Michael's quite forgettable in bed.
Well, hang on a minute, it could've been me, I could've been forgettable in bed.
On any other day I wouldn't have said that.
Do you not remember? Er, I was always drunk.
I'm not sure, um maybe.
- Oh, come on Marley, think! Passion, clothes ripping, kissing, biting, grabbing.
Oh yeah.
Are you thinking about that Daniel? Tarts and vicars! What? - What? Hmm? MICHAEL: You'd just got back from Aberdeen and you were really happy because you got that promotion and we went straight to the office party and there were costumes and prizes.
Yeah, tarts and vicars.
- That's right and Mr Alan got really drunk and started making passes at all the women which was even worse because he actually was a vicar.
Yes, and then we drove him back home And on the way back - Yeah, in the back of the car Twice! Backs of cars, trains.
Who are you? - MICHAEL: Yes! Yes, I'm gonna be a Dad.
- SHE LAUGHS Oh Adam, I'm so sorry.
But to be fair you do already have a daughter.
I never knew her, I never saw her.
Congratulations Michael.
Thank you Adam.
If I could shake your hand, I would.
Really? - No, sorry.
I'm going to be a father.
HE GASPS Listen, people of Bethlehem, she's having a baby! That's when you come in I say, 'she's having a baby!' you sing 'hallelujah' OK? REV.
ROSE: Listen, people of Bethlehem she's having a baby.
Hallelujah.
Well they can't come in here, there's no room at the at the, what is it? Inn.
- Inn.
It's inn, Mr Pauly, and you don't say it until the drumming starts.
Alright, sorry.
- HE PLAYS THE DRUMS DRUMMING STOPS OK? It's fine, we've still got four months, OK? So let's take five and then come back and start from the top.
OK.
So anyway I just want to let you know that I've worked it out.
So did I, I've checked my diary and it's got to be the twenty-ninth.
Yes it is, that's right.
MRS BAINS: Congratulations on the baby.
Oh.
Thank you, Mrs Bains.
- Everyone's talking about it.
Thank you, Abby.
Shame you don't know who the father is.
What was it? Stranger up an alley or something? No.
No, it wasn't a stranger up an alley, I know who the father is.
So do I.
- I think it worked it out last night.
It was the night of your party.
- Which I'd completely forgotten about.
Well I remember it because I won first prize for the best outfit.
Tarts and vicars.
What? The party, that was the theme.
I didn't know that.
Well what did you think you'd won first prize for? Oh anyway - Sailor, in a dockyard was it? I know who the father is, thank you, Mrs Bains.
OK, so I'd passed out behind the sofa and everyone had gone home and then Adam came back and he was really drunk and you'd got really drunk.
Oh my God, yes, that's right.
And you were crying and so he hugged you and, um, then I heard you kiss.
Oh my God, I was feeling really guilty about the car thing with Michael and Asam was being really sweet and so we Yep yeah, you did.
Listen, people of Bethlehem, she's having a baby So maybe it's Adam's.
Hallelujah.
- Hallelujah.
Three times! HE LAUGHS - I didn't say it was three times.
Well how do you know? You couldn't even remember doing it the first time.
I'm sticking with the hat trick.
We still don't know whose it is.
What I thought we'd do is like upstairs where's there's those two extra rooms knock them together so that Roy's room is gonna have more space Who? - Roy, our son.
Ah, OK, so er, there's a fifty percent chance it's a boy there's a fifty percent chance you're the father, however it's a one hundred percent definite that whatever the sex, whoever the father, this child will never, ever? And I cannot stress this strongly enough ever be called Roy! And it might not be your child, it could still be my child.
How do you, no, of course it's my child I mean it was the same night, it's my guys against your guys and I was a good swimmer.
Well that's got nothing to do with whether - What about Bernie? Bernie's a good name.
- Oh, it's a terrible name.
Hey Bernie, are you coming down the pub? Bernie, football's on.
Bernie, my sister really fancies you, everyone loves Bernie.
And down the bottom of the garden where we've got all those old bushes and stuff we could put up a little goal post, then when he's bigger.
- Oh no Bernie's not having a oh God, you see, I'm saying it now.
Well, because it's a good name.
No, it's not a good name.
- Tristan's a good name.
No son of mine is ever being called Tristan.
DOORBELL RINGS Well that's OK because it's not your son.
Of course it's my son, I've always wanted a son, I've got plans for the boy.
He's not your boy, he's gonna be my boy, I'm the father.
I'm the father.
- KNOCKS AT DOOR REV.
ROSE: Hello? Reverend Rose.
I've just heard the wonderful news, a December baby it's your chance to contribute.
- To what? Look I'm gonna have shepherds, kings, slave girls music, lights and drums, what I need what no other vicar will have is a real child.
You want my baby? - I do.
I mean it's perfect.
There was mystery surrounding the birth of our Lord and rumour has it there's mystery surrounding your child.
Something to do with a sailor up an alley? No, no it wasn't a there's no mystery.
- Mm hmm.
MICHAEL: What's wrong with Tristan? My son will never be called Tristan.
He's not your son.
Well there's a bit of mystery but ADAM: Bernie would never hang out with a Tristan.
It's not Bernie.
- What? No, er, no, nothing.
I mean, it's not for months and it would only be for a few hours.
Remember what the Israelites said to King David.
Oh, er Well Oh hang on, it's on the tip of my tongue, this.
If thou can help someone, do so with joy.
Right, yeah.
- And who knows.
- That's it.
God willing, we might get lucky, hmm? You may actually bear the babe on Christmas Day in which case you could give birth in church in our nativity stable.
I'm not giving birth in your stable.
Actually we're thinking of having our own service so if she's gonna give birth in a stable, it'll probably be our stable.
I'm not giving birth in anyone's stable I don't know anything about babies but I do know they're not born in a stable.
SHE SOBS Ah.
Are you OK, Marley? Well, you heard me.
I know that a baby should be born in a hospital but that's all I know it's my entire parenting knowledge: try not to give birth in a stable.
Mary gave birth in a stable.
Well given the choice, Vicar, given the choice.
- The choice.
It's reverend.
What? Reverend.
- Yes! MARLEY: What was I thinking? There's books to read, classes.
I don't know how to look after a baby.
We used to babysit for Mia.
You dropped her.
You won't be dropping my baby.
How can he drop your baby? He can't even pick it up, he's dead.
You're both dead.
You can't wipe a bottom mange: nappy, pun prism.
The baby won't be able to hear you or see you, how can you help? I'm gonna have a baby all on my own and I haven't got a clue how to do it.
BELLS TOLL ADAM: I mean Tristan, seriously.
What next? Sebastian or Caspar? Do that and you're on the rocky road to Peregrine.
I mean, come on if you hadn't been Jesus you'd have probably gone for something like Roy or Bernie or well, maybe not Bernie but Tristan? You can't talk to God like that.
I'm praying here, Michael, do you mind this is a private conversation between me and my God.
He's got poverty and plague to deal with he doesn't wanna hear you bleat on about my son.
He's not your son, he's my son.
Mine.
- Mine.
- Mine.
Mine.
- Mine.
- Mine.
Mine.
- Mine! That's not praying, that's shouting, you're shouting at God.
I'm not shouting at God, I'm shouting at you.
HE SIGHS Let me apologise for Adam's lack of respect on a more holy subject I'd like to ask for a happy birth and to thank You for bringing yet another of Your children into this world.
Yeah that's good, I, I wanna add that to my prayer as well I want to say the same.
- No that, that, that's my prayer, you can't - Now who's shouting? - Sorry.
Oh, don't apologise to me.
Sorry for shouting.
And for making a fuss.
- And for making a fuss.
And for being a dick.
- And for Well, it was worth a try, now do you mind if I get back to my prayer? Marley says you've got to come home now; she thinks the baby's coming.
Well, come on.
Please make the baby be mine.
Mine.
- Mine.
- Mine.
BELL RINGS OK, big day today.
- Morning, Reverend.
Christmas Day, good morning.
- Morning.
Are we all ready for greatness? - Yes! Good, excellent.
There we are, right.
In.
Come on in, in.
Let's get this show on the road! Ah! SHE STRAINS I think we should call Abby.
What? You said we'd be able to do this on our own, your words.
If I'm gonna have a baby we're gonna have to learn to do things on our own.
Of course we can do it on our own, we don't need anyone else, we're a family.
We're a family.
Now we all know our responsibilities, let's get on with it my baby's waiting to say hello.
- It's not your baby.
It's not yours.
- It's not yours.
Not yours.
- Not yours.
- Not yours.
Boys! Oh! Sorry, frightened myself there.
For once could today just be about Marley please? Oh! ALL: Oh! Do you want to put your bag down? No because I'll never be able to pick it up.
Wha- er - Breathe.
- OK.
Breathe in.
SHE STRAINS - Backwards, backwards, go backwards.
SHE STRAINS Right, let's get to the hospital.
OK, now I've given this some thought and the road's still up in Matthew Avenue there's that Santa display in the square so the quickest way to the hospital is through the woods.
What? There's a road through the woods, trust me.
Yeah.
ENGINE REVS ENGINE REVS ENGINE REVS Oh come on.
Oh! Next time I say trust me it might be an idea not to.
I said we should've phoned Abby.
- Not helping Michael.
Besides, like Marley says, we're gonna have to learn to do this on our own.
Well we should call her now.
Yeah yeah, what did I do with the phone? Who was in charge of the phone? Err Adam? - Was it you, Michael? Vicar, was it you? Oh.
- No.
MARLEY PANTS You had one job.
Remind me to pack the phone.
You were, you were in pain and I was upset, I forgot it.
VICAR: Well, what are we gonna do? Well, I tell you what we're not gonna do.
What we're not gonna do is panic, what are we not gonna do, Vicar? Panic.
I think I need to panic.
- Yeah, no one is gonna panic.
The prospective father's allowed to panic.
Well if he can panic, can I panic? No one's gonna panic, as father of the child, I am taking charge.
I'm the father of the child.
- Do you wanna take charge? No, I'm happy with the panicking.
Right, OK, it's simple, we've just gotta look at the logic.
We've got a pregnant lady who's gonna give birth we don't know where we are and we don't know where we're going.
MARLEY AND ADAM SIGH OK, you can panic.
No one's gonna bloody panic.
Oh I know, we could pray to God.
That's more of a leisure activity, Vicar.
- Well it sometimes helps.
Well He's not gonna show up with a compass.
CHURCH BELL TOLLS What's that? It's Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.
Oh, oh it's MARLEY PANTS Come on.
Do you think you can make it? This is it, in you go.
Kingly.
Be kingly, Barry.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA MARLEY: Reverend.
Oh Reverend.
There's no one about, everything's shut.
You've gotta get me to hospital.
Err But- The baby's coming and I'm not here to contribute to the festivities.
But, but the chronicle's inside to review us.
Oh, well that's different! Oh, well then, yes, of course, in that case I'd be happy to lower my back, legs akimbo, squirting out a child for the local ladies to read about.
Really? No! Get her to a bloody hospital! - She's giving birth.
OK hang on, I'm sure someone inside can help.
SHE SCREAMS IN PAIN - I said hang on! Shh.
SHE STRAINS Um, err, need a bit of help.
Err there's a child about to be- Hallelujah.
No actually really - Well they can't come in here! No.
- There's no room in the In the What the? Inn! It's inn Mr Pauly, God! You've had four months, mate.
And you don't say it until the drums start.
- DRUMS PLAY No, not now, there's a child about to be born! Hallelujah - Oh bloody hell.
HE PANTS No, they won't listen.
What? What? What? What?! Hark, I hear the sound of Joseph's footsteps.
DRUMS PLAY - ABBY: Yes.
So do I, hark.
I hear them as well, Joseph's footsteps! HE STRAINS What are you doing? I'm taking you to hospital, because apparently a stable isn't good enough for some people! SHE PANTS But I thought you had a car? No, I only have a bike, so this will have to do, get in.
Really? - It's our only choice unless you want to walk the whole way.
Oh my God.
Oh for God's sake.
Oh, Job said a wheelbarrow.
Oh not now, Vicar.
Lord, guide me to thy hospital with this poor, wretched woman! Stop! Stop! Alright this poor woman.
Stop, I can't take this anymore.
- Oh.
There must be some other way.
- Er, well I could run back to the church No, no, don't leave me Stop a car, any car.
Er a car.
VICAR: A car! - This is all your fault.
Really? - Yeah.
Or yours.
- What? - Oh.
Oh please stop, please! - CAR HORN HONKS Ah! Oh, sir! Please stop.
- CAR HORN HONKS Ah! Ah.
Nobody wants to stop.
- MARLEY STRAINS Well, would you stop for a strange man with a fake beard and robes? I see your point.
HE STRAINS Oh, OK.
HE STRAINS - Because that's not going to improve our chances.
SHE GROANS - Oh.
Look, why don't I run back to the church? - Don't leave me! Just stop a car! Alright, alright but if I stop a car then next year you're playing Mary and that is Jesus.
Just stop a car! - Do we have a deal? Yes! - Fine! - Anything! Promise? - Promise! Right.
In the name of almighty God Stop! CAR HORN HONKS.
- Stop! TIRES SCREECH CRASHING SOUND - BABY CRYING Marley.
I just want to say - Shh, shh.
Are you the father? - REV.
ROSE: No.
I'm the man who made the car stop, eventually.
The father remains a mystery, something to do with a sailor in a dockyard.
It was not a sailor down, oh I give up.
I'm too tired.
I'm a tart, I was done against a wall down the docks, happy? REV.
ROSE: That's OK.
Remember what our Lord said to those who cast out loose women.
No, no I don't know what our Lord said on Loose Women.
Sorry.
If you're not the father.
And I don't know what St.
Peter said to Abraham or what the Israelites said to David or any of it, I just I can't help being rubbish.
Oh I'm sorry Marley, you're gonna need me and I'm gonna be rubbish because I don't know anything.
Vicar it doesn't matter you don't know anything.
What matters is that you're the kindest and most wonderful woman I've ever met.
And children need people like you.
And I'm not going to be able to bring up this baby without you.
Really? Really.
Thank you, Marley.
It doesn't matter who her dad is, she's never gonna know her father.
She's never gonna hear us or see us.
MICHAEL: Whoever her father is, he'll always be there for her.
Watching out for her.
- Michael What? Think she's watching me now.
MICHAEL: I doubt it.
- ADAM: No, I'm serious look.
Just because Marley can see ghosts doesn't mean - Boo.
BABY GURGLES Did she just smile at me? - No, she smiled at me.
MICHAEL: No, she smiled at me.
- ADAM: Me more.
Me more.
Me more.
- Me more.
Me more.
- Me more.
Me more.
- Me more.
- Me more.
Jesus Christ our little child What have you got there? - DNA results.
OK.
Who's the father? - I haven't opened it.
Oh.
It's been a wonderful year.
One of them's gonna be devastated.
- I know.
Marley, we're gonna be late.
Hang on a minute.
- ABBY HUFFS What's that? - MARLEY: This is it.
Shall we get on with it? Oh, the suspense is killing me.
Shall I open it? Yeah.
No.
Hang on, I don't know, Michael? I really like being a dad, I don't wanna not be one anymore, Adam? I mean obviously my boys are stronger than your boys but one of yours might've sneaked in, you know you're quite sneaky.
I'm not sneaky.
- You were sneaking around with my wife.
Not my fault you can't hold onto a woman.
Do you want me to open this or not? No.
TOGETHER: We can both be her dad.
Marley, we are going to be late for the church.
Yes, OK.
SHE HUFFS CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYS REV.
ROSE: Listen, people of Bethlehem she is having a baby.
Hallelujah.
Well they can't in come here, there's no room at the the Inn, Mr Pauly, inn.
BABY CRYING - CHRISTMAS BELLS RINGING