M*A*S*H (MASH) s02e06 Episode Script

[Blake.]
Give me a Kocher.
Vascular clamp.
- Which sister was better? - The younger one had more experience.
Oh, nertz.
I dropped that fragment again.
You'll get it, Doctor.
- Try a magnet, Frank.
- Or a patient with bigger fragments.
Steady, people.
Metzenbaum scissors.
- Metz.
- We're here to help each other.
Want a hand, Frank? Aw, leave him alone.
He's just doing a premature autopsy.
- You close.
It's your turn.
- It's not my turn, but I'll do it.
Skin sutures.
Pickups.
Oh, no, not another one.
- What do you got? - He can't be more than five years old.
I've got a five-year-old back home.
Well, don't send her to camp in Korea.
I'll need a gown and gloves.
Look at that.
Our fearless leader.
Asleep or comatose from the food? Exhausted.
Thirty hours in O.
R.
That'll keep the tourists away.
Good night, sweet prince.
You mind if we play through? Thank you.
How many in your party? Now, that's a pregnancy craving if I ever saw one.
You can tell us, Radar.
Which girl was it? - Somebody ought to do something.
- Call Graves Registration.
I notice those guys don't eat here.
He could ruin the garbage disposal industry.
Great wrist action.
Hey, we'll take our check now, miss.
Sorry.
It's not my table.
Hey, you know anything about that boy we operated on? Just another wounded kid, I guess.
How's he doing? Okay.
We took a little shrapnel out of his side.
Superficial.
He'll be up and around, two or three days.
Anybody know anything about his family? If my two girls were missing, I'd be out of my head.
Maybe his folks are missing too.
Well, let's check up on it.
Call Seoul, the Red Cross or the M.
P.
's.
Try the local villages around here.
You never know.
- Okay.
Soon as I finish eating lunch.
- That could be in two weeks.
Or three, if he has dessert.
Look, I'm eating as fast as I can.
You do this fast, and you'll find a little something in your pencil box.
A teeny, tiny little nurse all your own.
Honestly, you guys are embarrassing! Just imagine if he made love as good as he eats.
No woman in the world would be safe.
Scalpel.
"Margo smiled at me, and a chorus of 500 angels sang "'You Made Me Love You, I Didn't Wanna Do It' the Cole Porter arrangement.
"And then she came close, and I could smell her perfume.
"It made me want to leave my wife and children, and I'm not even married.
"'Hi, gorgeous, 'I said.
Then somebody hit me with a piano and the floor came up and smothered me.
" That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard.
- Hi, gorgeous.
- Reading smut to a child.
- That's terrible! - This isn't smut.
It's a perfectly good little story about life in everyday America.
Anyway, the kid can't understand English.
That's the Bad Fairy and she's the Wicked Witch.
Oh, yeah, Margo just came into the room.
- You're disturbing the other patients.
- You guys want me to stop? - No! - No! Step down.
Next case.
- Okay, now - How's he doing? He was doin' great until the house mother and Dr.
Clean-cut got here.
You should hear what he's reading to this child.
Perfectly acceptable smut.
Don't pay any attention to them.
See what Uncle Trapper brought you? Huh? Some nice anchovy paste and a bottle of pickled onions.
I forbid you to give him those things! No booze? A bubble and opium pipe? Well, this stuff is all right for him.
- Did you hear me, Mclntyre? - Take a walk, Major.
- Take a major walk.
- Somebody has to protect this child.
- And that's you? - I am a woman.
- Is that true, Frank? - I always like a second opinion.
We don't need any of your smart-aleck remarks.
Oh, horsefeathers to you.
I'm ordering you two degenerates to leave this child alone! Frank, how would you like your lip to donate a pint of blood? - What's going on here? - These two are poisoning this child! - Now hold it! - [Burns.]
May I say something? No! This is a hospital.
You're doctors.
You ought to behave like doctors.
So unless you've got work to do here, out! Vamoose! - Someone has to protect this child.
- Don't worry about it.
- Finish the story later, kid.
- You will not finish the story.
Eat those onions one at a time.
- You want smut? I'll give you smut.
- Do you realize what A little occupational therapy? - It's for the kid.
- You're very talented.
It looks like a pregnant bagpipe.
Do bagpipes get pregnant? Of course they do.
Right after they make those funny sounds.
He really reaches you, huh? He may just be the cutest kid I've ever seen in my life.
- Mind if I come in? - You're a little in to be asking.
Hey, that's beautiful.
What is that? That's one of the new fall line of cows' udders.
It's for the kid.
What'd you find out about him? Oh, nothing.
I drew an absolute blank.
- What do you mean, nothing? - He had to live somewhere.
Well, wherever it is, it ain't no more.
Whoever was there, they ain't either anymore.
- That's impossible.
- Right.
People don't just disappear.
What, in a war? Well, we gotta find out something about him.
What do we do? Colonel Blake is doing it right now.
Lemme start again, Sister.
A little boy came in, just cute as a bug's ear, about five years old, and he was wounded.
Now, we And we can't keep him here.
Uh, I agree with you there.
This is no place for a child.
I wouldn't be here myself if it wasn't for the war.
What's that? Uh, no, we can't locate the folks or the village.
Yeah, so I think he'd be a lot better off in your hands.
Oh, I'd say he'd be up in another few days or so, - and then I'd like very much to - Henry? - We want to talk to you.
- Look, then.
I'll hand him over, say, uh, first of the week.
Right.
Okay.
See you in church.
Well, not really.
- Bye, Sister.
- Henry, what are you doing? Oh, uh, I'm playing with my doll, Pierce.
Getting a head start on senility? Radar tells us that you're gonna send the kid to the orphanage.
Hey, Radar, I thought you were working for me.
Uh, they got it out of me.
- How? - Uh, by listening.
- Is it true? - About the orphanage? I've got no choice.
This is a hospital.
We can't take care of a child.
I never saw you as a villain before, Henry.
I am not a villain.
I do not tie girls to buzz saws, and I don't throw banana peels in front of the old folks' home.
No, you just put five-year-olds in orphanages.
Get off my back.
- Let us make him our responsibility.
- We'll take care of him.
Boy, that is rich.
You guys are barely housebroken yourselves.
Look, you're just gonna have to leave it with me.
- Radar, I am disappointed.
- Uh, yes, sir.
Watch it.
He'll send you to an orphanage.
- This is a side of you I never saw.
- Never mind my sides, Mclntyre.
Look, you think I want to send this little fella away? I've got two kids of my own.
I'm a former child myself.
- It's cruel, Henry.
- What isn't around here? If you guys have got something better than Sister Theresa's, I'm all ears.
Figured.
[Mclntyre's Voice.]
"At first I thought it was the war "and this stinking place that made me, "well, love him, I guess.
"But now I know it's more than that.
"The reasons aren't important.
"We think his parents are dead.
"Henry Blake wants to send him to an orphanage, and I hate the idea so much, I can't stand it.
" [Pierce.]
"I want us to adopt him, honey.
"He'd be the son we never had.
"I know the girls would be out of their little minds to have a brother.
"This is a decision we both have to make.
"Think about it carefully.
You know my feelings.
Now it's really in your hands.
" That's beautiful.
Okay, it's beautiful.
But is it a mistake? How can you make a mistake giving a kid his life? You're all daddy.
[Film Projector Rattling.]
I just had my first lesson in Korean.
I'll be right back.
Look at it, look at it.
Now you say "boo.
" - Boo! - Ah! Gone! Oh, you do? Well, blow in my ear.
Blow in my ear.
Oh, look.
I think you blew it right through.
Ahh! You found it already.
How about that? Now let's do that other one.
Oh, frankly, we didn't expect any complications, Sister, but he is running a little temp.
Uh-huh.
Uh, excuse me.
Anything from Mclntyre's wife? What's that? Oh, another few days, I think.
- Uh, but, uh, we've got a pre - [Laughing.]
Shh! Shh! We've got a pretty sick little boy on our hands.
Yes.
Thank you for calling, Sister.
Yeah.
You are gonna get me in trouble.
"And then the three little bears" Uh, bears sam kom.
Three little bears, sam kom, got up from the table Uh, "table" is, uh Siktak.
Siktak.
Table.
Got up from the table, and they walked up the stairs.
- [Giggles.]
- They got up the stairs.
And then Let's see what happens now.
- Good evening, Margaret.
- Hello, Frank.
- It's Thursday night.
- So? So? I plan my week around Thursday nights.
My hands were trembling when I put my shorts on.
Frank! Not in front of the K-l-D.
Are you telling me, Margaret, were not going to have our discussion tonight? I'm reading to him.
Are you going to do all three bears? He's going to spend the night with me.
But, Margaret, I have so much to discuss.
It can wait.
We haven't had a discussion in a whole week.
What about Monday? I'm not counting short talks.
Oh, Frank.
- I've got to go.
I'm on the next shift.
- Lucky next shift.
- He was asleep, wasn't he? - I'm almost sure.
- Don't worry.
- I did hear some loud snoring noises.
- That was me.
- Good-bye.
Oh, wait, wait.
Don't forget your dog tags.
"35591715.
" - Even your number is pretty.
- You're sweet.
Tonight, 39591715? - Where? - Here.
- I don't know.
- Oh, I'm sure he'll be asleep again.
Okay.
Good morning, children.
- Hello, Father.
- Good morning, Father.
Did I interrupt anything? No.
We're just going over each other's medical profiles.
Good.
I really stopped by to see Trapper.
Is he here? Yeah, but I'm asleep.
Well, thank you, Nurse, for coming by.
That was very helpful.
- Trapper, the letter from your wife.
- I haven't gotten it yet.
Hey, it's from Louise.
I have the feeling it's good news.
You didn't hold it up to the light, did you, Father? Oh, now, I would never [Laughs.]
"This is to inform you that you are about to become the proud father of a five-year-old Korean boy.
" - Hey! - Wait a minute.
There's more.
"Cathy and Becky are thrilled about having a new brother.
"Go ahead with the adoption papers and army red tape as soon as you can.
"If there's anything I can do to help at this end, just let me know.
"I'm excited as you are, darling.
Everything here is Everything here is fine.
We all miss you.
Love you, Louise.
" Hey, hey, we did it! [Laughing.]
Father, we had a baby! I was sure it was good news.
Congratulations, father.
Thank you, Father.
We're up to our navels in fathers.
Wait a second.
I was saving this just in case.
I have to ask you, just one apiece, please.
You know something? This is probably the nicest day we've ever had here.
If we had a balcony, we could throw money to the peasants.
Your happiness is inspiring.
Maybe this is why I was sent to Korea.
Maybe, but I wouldn't underestimate your draft board.
Up until now, I felt my being here was senseless.
For the first time, I think I have a real reason for being here.
That's the beginning of faith, Trapper.
Father, you made a big score this morning.
Don't press.
- You happy, Frank? - Happy? I'm with you 10,000 miles from home in war-torn Korea.
I'm the happiest man in the world.
So am I.
You're really so beautiful the way the sun lights up the hairs in your ear.
Oh, Frank, do you know how exciting you are? It takes one to know one.
Margaret, how do you feel about outdoor discussions? Hi, kids.
Missed you down at the sugar bowl.
Oh! Oh, this war is so crowded.
Is this your idea of taking the kid on a picnic? Where is he? Well, he was here a minute ago.
- [Screams.]
- Terrific! [Pierce.]
Hold it! I gotta get the kid outta here.
- You want to make him an orphan again? - He mustn't move.
- There must be a map to this field.
- Get it! - Don't move! - Ohh! - What a time not to understand English.
- Kutchio nuguo! - What does that mean? - That means "stop and stay" in Korean.
- Kutchio! - Yes! Kutchio! I'll be right back.
Kutchio! Zowie! Why can't I do that when I'm really playing? Maybe you should take the bedpan out on the course with you, sir.
- Watch it, Henry! - This is a 2-par bedpan.
You ruined it.
- Radar, where do you keep the maps? - What maps? - What's going on? - The kid just crawled in the minefield.
- Holy cow! - Minefield, right.
- Why aren't they under "M"? - Because they're under "B" for "boom.
" - Nuguo! - I got the maps! - Anybody know how to read these things? - I know how to read a map.
- I took a course in map reading.
- All right, good.
All right, let's see, my left hand is west, right? Oh, marvelous.
He's right.
It's west.
Okay, just keep your shirt on, Mclntyre.
- Hi, boy.
- No! Don't do that.
- Kutchio! - Now, let's see Okay, O'Brien's on his way.
The red dots indicate the mines.
- All right.
- Right.
All right, Mclntyre, from where you are there, you can walk straight for 25 feet before you get to one.
- Eight yards.
- Just take eight steps.
Hold it! Right.
There's one right in front of you.
- Now what? - What next? All right, let's see.
Oh, yeah, this is marked off in grids.
Right.
We're in business.
You okay, Mclntyre? I'm still here.
Okay, now, uh, what you want to do is you wanna walk three-and-a-half grids to your right.
- Three-and-a-half grids? - What's a grid? - How many "whats" in a grid? - Let's see, uh, there's, uh There's two pints in a quart and there's two hectares in an acre.
Who cares, Henry? What's a grid? Well, will you let me just check the scale? All right, an inch is a foot and a half, and my finger's three inches.
- How do you know that? - My finger's always been three inches.
Well, Henry, will you get your three-inch finger out and tell me? All right, now, here's what I want you to do.
I want you to take one and a half steps to your right.
Good.
Okay.
Now, that oughta put you safely in the heart of downtown Berlin.
- Berlin? - Yeah.
What are you talkin' about? This is a World War II surplus map! Trapper, don't move! - You're damn right I won't! - Here you go, sir.
- Trapper.
- Yeah.
Don't make a move.
Six inches in any direction, and you'll get home sooner than any of us.
Anything I can do? I hope not, Father.
- Where's O'Brien? - Wait for it.
There you go.
[Cheering.]
Just in time for the Little League game.
[Blake.]
Sorry about the map.
Colonel Blake? [Blake.]
Sister Theresa.
Kim.
Kim! She came to me looking for her son.
I took a chance.
Buy you a drink, Trap? Who needs a kid that wanders off into minefields? Right.
Back home, he'd probably be, probably be crossing against the lights.
Come on.
Aw, my wife.
She was terrific.
She really came through.
Ah, they don't write wives like that anymore.
Oh, hey, guys.
Kim got off all right.
Sister Theresa says that he's gonna come back for a visit.
- Oh, that's nice.
- Very nice.
Sir, are you still interested in adopting a son? I've been doing some researching.
There's a little boy down in Got anything about five-foot-five? - Well, no, he's, uh - Who wears dirty eyeglasses? - Never shaves? - A two-striper? Well, I am a little old, but we could try it for a week.
Sit down.
Your father and I will tell you what we did to have you.
Cut it out.