Mid Morning Matters with Alan Partridge (2010) s02e06 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 6
1 (POP MUSIC PLAYING) That was Billy Joel, the last of this week's Musical Billys, after Ocean, Idol, Ray Cyrus and Piper.
Next week, we'll turn to Bobs, uh, with Marley, Geldof, Dylan, Seger and The Builder.
The time is 11:02.
And we have had a lovely picture being sent in from Jack, who is ten.
And he says, "Hi, Alan, we've been doing a project about the abolition of slavery "and it inspired me to do a painting of you, set in that time.
" - Hmm.
Yeah.
- There it is.
Yeah, the The trouble is, I'm more likely to have been a slave owner.
That's the tragedy, although I like to think I'd be one of the good ones who'd give them an extended break.
- Or a glass of water.
- Yeah.
Uh, absolutely.
On request, but, absolutely.
And maybe, keep some of them on, uh, under your employ after abolition.
Yes, of course, if they wanted to.
Er I'll have to do the sums, but, um Yeah, the thing is, of course they, you know Then they start asking for sanitation.
Next thing you know, they're getting organised.
Before you know it, they're wanting days off because they're depressed.
Uh, so, not quite as simple as it seems.
Um, later, we will be joined by a group of enterprising children who are taking their campaign to save their school playing fields all the way to Downing Street.
But first, though, Berk of the Week.
MALE VOICE RECORDING: Berk of the Week.
RECORDED VOICES: You absolute berk! You berk.
You big berk.
You're an idiot! It had been earmarked once again for Nigel Bevin, head of planning at Norwich City Council.
But, this week, the Berk of the Week is - Alan Partridge.
- What, just this week? OLD WOMAN: You berk.
I I've just taken a few people for granted.
And, uh, acted like a berk, to be fair.
Um, and just want to say soz.
No, it's just, no, a full sorry, actually, so - FEMALE VOICE RECORDING: North Norfolk.
- What was that all about? Hmm? - Is everything all right? - Yeah.
Your eyes are a bit red.
Yeah.
Your hair's a bit red.
Zinger! It's just that Angela's not been in - I wondered if everything was - Forget about it! (MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON RADIO) I think I've invented a new drum beat, listen.
That's great.
Alan, message from Angela, she wants the keys for the caravan.
- Is she here? - No, she phoned.
Uh, yeah, sure.
Just tell her I'll give them to her later.
She said can you leave them on the kitchen table? Why is she asking you to tell me? And, she'd rather you weren't there when she picked them up.
What? That's ridiculous! She just said to tell you.
But we fucking love each other.
- Will you talk to her? - What? What? Just, she's not been right since she's been on this gluten-free diet, you know.
It was only a few texts.
What was a few texts? Do you remember that work's trip to the swimming pool when I started chatting to Melanie, the PA? - About your pool gloves? - Yeah.
Well, anyway, on the way home, she sent me a picture of her in her dressing gown with a lapel ajar.
- Alan - And I just texted back, "I'd like to play your bum like the bongos," and she showed it to Angela.
Ouch.
- MAN: We'll be back in 30 minutes.
- Yeah.
Uh, thanks, Chris.
I Um - Today's phone-in is - No.
I want to play a dedication.
I won't say who it's for.
But let's just say, life's a bit crummy without you.
Uh, love you loads and, yeah, basically, you complete me.
Hmm Everybody needs a little time away Everyone needs that and that's fine.
I heard her say You yelled it.
From each other Which sounds worrying, but it's not.
Even lovers need a holiday Same point again, but I think he means abroad.
Far away Yeah.
From each other Hold me now Oh, I wish I could.
It's hard for me to say I'm sorry And this is the key point.
I just want you to stay (SINGING ALONG) After all that we've been through I will make it up to you I promise to (SINGING OFF-KEY) And after all that's been said and done You're just a part of me I can't let go (HUMS) (MOBILE PHONE RINGING) ALAN: Angela, where are you? God, it's good to hear your voice.
What? I don't know why I said that.
I wasn't gonna literally play her bum like the bongos.
It wouldn't even work.
If you want that effect, you'd be better off clapping your hands.
A backside's got too much give.
It was a raunchy joke that got out of hand.
Don't do this, Angela! Our love is stronger than carbon fibre.
Please.
Please, though.
Please! Please, though! Please.
Please, though! Please, please, though, Angela! Angela, if you dump me, I'll never speak to you again! In fact, I'm gonna dump you first.
Never call me again! Yeah.
Okay, thanks, Gustav.
Okay, Gustav.
Yeah.
Okay, catch you later.
Ciao.
- Just chatting to Gustav.
- Is he all right? Yes, he's just some genuine friend of mine.
(SIGHS) (MOBILE VIBRATES) Hello, Angela.
Angela, if if if If you want to take the caravan, please do so.
If you find caravan ownership fulfilling, then please, Christ Almighty, take the caravan.
Yeah, sure, take the dog, too.
Why don't you? Yeah.
I don't know.
Must have gone for a walk, on his own.
Maybe he's gone to the cinema.
(SCOFFS) Think what you like, all right, it's fine.
Oh, well, see you in Battersea Dog's Court.
Oh, by the way, I wasn't gonna tell you this, but, um You know, your new business venture? Yeah, everyone thinks it's shit, including your sister.
Bye.
(VOCALISING) You all right, Alan? Yeah! Yeah, I'm glad to see the back of her, to be honest with you.
- Really? - Yeah.
I mean, she started tutting during Coast.
And, uh, you know when that happens, there's something fundamentally wrong with your relationship.
But now she wants the dog.
Yeah, she can want her arse off.
Freddy's staying with me.
Yeah, this, um In fact, only the other night, I was taking him out in the garden for a piddle, and he looked up at me, as if to say, "You're better than this, Alan.
"And, uh, whatever happens, um, "I will always be your friend.
" Really? Re Yeah.
I bet you wanted to hug him.
Uh, yeah.
When I turned round he was, uh, over by the bins eating some pâté.
(CLEARS THROAT) You're listening to North Norfolk Digital.
Norfolk, North Norfolk's best music mix.
And we have got a text here from Ruth, who says she is a bit down.
She is awaiting the results of a scan.
Oh! Don't be down, Ruth.
You've got to be glass half full.
- I mean, I'm always glass half full.
- Yes, amen to that.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Whenever I'm down, I think about all the good things in my life.
Uh, I don't have a mortgage, got two cars.
Fairly fit.
I can swim well.
- Uh, I was 12 Years A Slave - (LAUGHS) thank you very much, but, uh, now Now you're Django Unchained.
- Thank you! - A free man.
Indeed.
So, you know, Ruth, just, um, cheer up! (ALL OF MYHEART PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE) (TOY SQUEAKS) (SHOUTING) Okay, that was Funky Gibbon by The Goodies to show that we are not averse to a little bit of anarchy here, having it large with my crew.
Um, but, er No, seriously, it's great to have you all here, please say hello.
- ALL: Hello! - (SHOUTING) But no, it's a bit of a jam in here, I'm sure breaching all manner of fire regs, but, who gives a flip! I'm joined by a bevy of, uh, teenagers from North Walsham Comp, who took, who've taken their campaign to save the school playing fields and dumped it on the doorstep of the PM.
I'm liking it a lot.
Okay, you're listening to MM Ow! Okay, who's the class clown? Who's the class clown? Marv! All right, yeah, all right.
Give me some skin.
Excellent.
Uh, no, it's absolutely fine, we had a class clown.
His name was Brian Golding, a real live wire, a real nutcase.
Uh, took his own life a few years ago, which is kinda sad.
But, a real character.
Yeah.
Anyway, uh, by the way if anyone wants any, uh, Annie Lennox cassettes, I'm good for it.
Um What am I talking about, you're all Robbie Williams, right? - Who? - Who? So anyway, Lisa, uh, to you, now, tell us about the campaign.
Because, a lot of kids get it in the neck from some of the squares out there, uh, but you guys are pretty diff.
Well, we all got a letter during Christmas and we was told that the playing fields are gonna be sold.
Okay, just got to stop you there.
We've had an email from Norwich Fire Service, saying a couple of you need to leave, uh, because we're over the limit here, or face criminal proceedings.
- So I need a couple of volunteers.
- Me.
Great, okay, you two.
Absolutely.
Thanks, thank you very much.
- Okay, that's that dealt with.
- Can I go, too? Yeah, sure.
Yeah, okay, fine.
All right.
GIRL: Ow.
Watch yourself.
That's that dealt with.
Okay, thank you, bye.
Um, gotta say I'm right behind your campaign, though.
- Can I go, too? - I really No, you can't, that's enough, love.
- Uh, it's - (CHUCKLING) Uh, I'm a big fan of, you know, playing fields in general.
Playing fields or even if it's just green belt land, in general.
- I was a green belt.
- Black belt.
I could kick your arse any day.
ALL: Ooh No, I'm talking about countryside.
I'm like you guys.
I like to kick back, get a bunch of CDs, chuck them in a holdall.
- Oomph, in the car.
Bang.
Countryside.
- (BOY BLEATS) - All right, who did that? Was that you? - Yep.
- What's that supposed to mean? - That you shag sheep.
- Ooh! - (ALL EXCLAIMING) - No need for that, mate.
- Sorry.
Uh, that's all right, that's cool.
That's cool.
Didn't mean to insult your girlfriend.
My girlfriend's not a sheep, you wally.
Shut up, Marv.
ALAN: Yeah, shut up, Marv.
(ALL SNICKERING) Um You dick.
Calling me a sheep shagger.
You are one.
- You think I'm a sheep shagger? - Dunno know, mate.
Yeah, well, I think maybe you're a sheep shagger.
You're the one who keeps going on about it.
You probably keep sheep magazines under your bed.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Yeah, probably keep pictures of sheep lying on their back in a pen, you know, with their knickers off.
Yeah, you're the sheep shagger, yeah.
- I bet you kiss them, bet you Yeah.
- (LISA LAUGHS) Lie them down on their back, kiss them tenderly, stick your tongue in their mouths, swirl it round, yeah? - No.
- Play with their teats.
You know, get behind it, strum them like a guitar.
Yeah? You know, grab fistfuls of fur.
Grab its horns like a bike, like a drop handle bars on a racer.
Uh, grifter would be more of a yak.
Yeah, and do you hold them afterwards and say, "You mean the world to me"? Spooning them, with your hot balls pushed up against its woolly back.
- (PHONE RINGS) - That's probably for me.
Oh, I'm really scared.
I am a bit.
Hello.
Hello, Craig.
Okay, yeah.
I'll be in in a minute, yeah.
Okay.
(SIGHS) That was Chris De Burgh, which I always think is Irish for Chris The Berk.
- (PLAYS FUNNY CARTOON MUSIC) - (CLEARS THROAT) And before that we played The Living Daylights by Scandinavian pop duo and always wanted to say this A-ha! Now, in today's show we have a caffeinated quandary for you.
We want to know where you like to grab a coffee.
Sponsored by Costa.
Let us know, Norfolk.
- North Norfolk.
- (LAUGHS) - Hello! Didn't see you there.
- That's okay.
- Caffeinated quandary, that was lovely.
- Hmm.
Yes, it's just that it got to 10:00 and I thought I'd, uh, get a I'd just have to fill in.
- I didn't know whether you were or - Well, I'm here now.
- Yes.
- Permission to come aboard.
- Aye-aye, captain.
- Okay, excellent.
You're listening to North Norfolk Digital with Alan Partridge and Sidekick Simon.
Apologies for my tardiness.
I'm afraid, much like a snowman's carrot nose, - I was held up by the snow.
- (CHUCKLES) FEMALE VOICE RECORDING: Morning Matters news, news - Morning Matters? - Chris wanted to trim it.
He's only been stood in for a month! He just felt it was more manageable.
Morning Matters, more manageable? Mid Morning Matters is much more manageable than Morning Matters, much more.
Yes, after a month away, it would have taken more than a spot of snow, uh, to keep me away.
Bit hairy on the roads, but genuinely happy to be here, happy to do my bit, uh, for the station.
- Wild horses wouldn't stop you.
- Yeah.
Well, I'd just walk round the back of them, but keep away from the legs.
Get kicked in the head by a horse, it'll break your face.
Um, for some reason, horses don't like you walking around the back of them.
Anthea Turner was just the same.
North Norfolk Digital, uh, of course, itself not immune to the effects of snow.
It's skeleton staff here today with all hands on deck.
Sounds like a Sinbad film.
Uh, and I'm here with that Sidekick Sinbad until 2:00 p.
m.
Time for some music though.
Uh Bernard Matthews used to breed his turkeys without them, this is Wings.
- Alan, uh, need a favour, I've got a - Sarah, Sarah - Uh, I can Hello, by the way.
- Hello.
(LAUGHS) Uh, I can help you, if I didn't think I could help you, I'd fire myself, you know.
I'd kill myself.
How? Uh, run into the sea after a big meal? No, how can you help me? (CHUCKLES) Oh, right, yes.
I don't know, how do you need help? Well, no one can get in because of the snow, so I need you to cover the afternoon shows.
Done! Definitely! Definitely! Yeah, I mean, I've only got a doctor's appointment at 3:00, but I'll just It's fine, I'll hang out, I just swim with the gloves on for a few more days.
Also, um, Jeanette's gonna be putting the calls through.
(SIGHS) Is she part of some sort of government programme? - She's She's doing her best.
- (ALAN GROANS) Um, but I know that Craig will really appreciate you getting in.
Oh, right, so he knows I'm here? - Yeah.
- Well, good, great.
- Uh, say hi.
Yeah.
- Righto.
Actually don't, don't say anything, it's no big deal, no big deal.
Just say, "Alan's here.
" Um, "He smashed his wing mirror but he came in anyway.
" Okay.
Actually, just say whatever you like, whatever you like.
Yup.
Yeah.
Uh, but definitely that Alan's here, you know.
And that I smashed my wing mirror.
Um (SIGHS) I'll tell you what, Simon, being suspended was the best thing that ever happened to me.
- Really? - I've got so many ideas, just pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
I've not been this excited, uh, Simon, since, uh, Eddie Shepherd died and all the possibilities that opened up then.
You do know that I'm not gonna be able to do the afternoon shows? Hmm? No, yep, yeah.
Have they not told you I've My job interview? No.
That's fine, that's fine, no worries.
Welcome back to the show, and while your ears were being drenched in molten McCartney, uh, I learnt of a little skulduggery (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) I mean, 'cause Word has reached me that my sidekick, Sidekick Simon, is off for a job interview.
- Which station, buddy? - (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) It's not a It's not a radio station, it's a website, but (EXHALES LOUDLY) It's a new venture, quite a young company and, um, they aggregate content and, uh They, um It's quite democratic there and everyone gets a free breakfast and they have big team meetings where everyone can chip in, - and so everyone feels like they have - (CLEARS THROAT) Everyone feels like they have a stake in it.
- Lot of detail.
A lot of detail there.
- Yeah.
Uh, no, we do wish you all the best.
Uh, uh Free breakfast? It amuses me what lures young people these days.
But, no, I understand, you don't want to stick around with a bunch of dinosaurs like us.
- I've got nothing against local radio.
- (MUTTERING) I've loved it here.
If I was you, I would absolutely want to be out there with the thrusting young multi-media turks and not here with the mono media, um, fogies.
The only thing that's got a bright future with this station is nasal hair.
(SNORTING) - (CHOKING) - Is that your gum? (COUGHS) (INHALES AND EXHALES LOUDLY) - Do you not know the Heimlich manoeuvre? - Yeah.
Wow! So you don't mind me going for the interview? Ah, well, it's like when you used my catchphrase earlier.
I mean, there was a time if you'd I'd caught you saying "A-ha" live on air Uh, before Angela left me, uh, yeah, I would have taped over the security cameras, kicked your car door in and anonymously sent a skip to your mum's house.
But I've been seeing things very differently, um, since Meltdown Monday.
Uh You must be familiar with that term.
That was the one that was used on the internal memos, so - Mental Monday.
- Mental Monday.
Right, my mistake, sorry, mental.
I'm not sure which is worse, meltdown or mental.
I'm cool with both.
Cool with both.
And you'll be all right, will you? Got along before I met you Gonna get along without you now I wonder if we've got that in the system.
Well, look, it's been a pleasure and, uh, I feel like I've learnt tons being here, so thanks for that.
And we've had some good times, haven't we? - Look under artists.
- I'm gonna be, um When you rode that exercise bike - Skeeter Davis, of course it is.
- Anyway, um Maybe see you in the, um, see you in the Boxley Wheatsheaf for the pub quiz? Uh, yeah.
Yeah, sure.
(CLEARS THROAT) Welcome back to a very wintery Mid Morning Matters.
A fascinating letter here about festive refuse collections, pointing out that there should be extra collections on account of the extra waste.
And as I say, I think it's a fascinating subject.
We're having a great time! This is what bananas wear in battle.
It's Bananarama.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING) FEMALE VOICE RECORDING: The Beverly Bacton Show.
Take it easy from 2.
00 till 4.
00.
You're listening to Alan Partridge, in for the snow-bound Bev Bacton.
Uh, time for you to tell us where you would like to grab a coffee, sponsored by Costa.
That's Susan in Herringfleet.
Susan? You need to press "transfer"! Uh, once again, our first caller is Susan in Herringfleet.
Lovely Herringfleet, I always think of it as a fleet of herring advancing towards the mainland, like a sort of fishy Luftwaffe, Susan.
(MUSIC PLAYING) Jeanette! You need to press "transfer"! Susan from Herringfleet, where do you like to grab a coffee sponsored by Costa? SUSAN: Actually, I just wanted to say it's good to have you back, Alan.
I don't know why they made you take time off.
No one made me.
I had a Loch Lomond watercolour break to go on.
Uh, quick tip for you, Susan, don't take up watercolour painting.
It's just not very good.
Uh, now, though, time for some music.
He's got the voice of a rocker, the face of a docker, - it's Joe Cocker.
(SIGHS) - (MUSIC PLAYS) In the absence of our regular news team, the news read by Alan Partridge.
"A body believed to be that of missing teacher Alan Weybridge "has been found in Thetford Woodland by a man walking his dog.
" Uh, he finds a lot of bodies, this guy walking his dog.
If I was the police, I'd be wanting to talk to Rex and his mysterious owner.
"And Norwich residents have expressed dismay "after the newly opened library was vandalised by youths.
" Uh, if you ask me, that's Banksy's fault, so thanks, Banksy.
Uh, thanksy.
Huh, easy.
And a quick announcement from the team here at North Norfolk Digital.
"Today sees the launch of new guidelines for on-air conduct "following the temporary suspension of the disc jockey Alan Partridge.
" What about Banksy? I mean, you know, it starts with, uh, a picture of a couple of coppers having a kiss, which makes you think about society, uh, but it ends with the grotesque spectacle of a big willy daubed on the side of a motorway footbridge.
That's the news.
(IN MECHANICAL VOICE) The robot time is one five colon three zero.
I'm Alan Partridge, in for Dave Clifton.
MALE VOICE RECORDING: Drive time.
Come on Norfolk, let's go home.
Let's hear where you enjoy a coffee, sponsored by Costa.
Leonard in Yaxham.
LEONARD: I have a black coffee on the way to school.
How old are you? Five.
Okay, does Mummy know you do this? Your mummy or my mummy? Your mummy, obviously.
Where's Sidekick Simon? He's gone to, uh, work at a website that aggregates content.
Absolutely meaningless.
Are you sad or happy? Happy! Thanks for your call.
(SIGHS) Percy in Deptford.
PERCY: I like to sit outside my ex-wife's hou Hello? MALE VOICE RECORDING: North Norfolk Digital - Okay, this - North Norfolk's best music mix.
The phone system's down.
(PLAYS MUSIC) I can't get any callers! Hello? Anyone? ALAN: The brain of Carol Vorderman.
Uh, the body of Carol Vorderman, uh, the face of Julia Bradbury, uh, hands, Nanette Newman, legs, Jessica Ennis, uh, backside of a Strictly Come dancer.
Stitch it all together and Bob's your uncle.
I could call it Bob.
Jot it down, uh Traffic lights and I'm gonna stick my neck out here, and say that I think that, uh, amber is obsolete.
Um, because it stems from a period where Today's Celebrity Big Head? Did that.
Edmunds again? Or did I? Was it Hunniford? I don't know why I'm asking you.
Um I'm not actually sure if anyone's listening.
I could be talking to myself.
ALAN: Hello? Hello? Hello? It's rather eerie here like the Mary Celeste, the unmanned boat found drifting at sea.
Um, which actually happened to Nick Knowles once.
His garden backs onto the Thames and, uh, he found an unmanned pedalo in the reeds.
In the end he just dragged it onto the lawn and sold it on eBay.
Some music.
Uh, oh dear, the cellist has just bumped into the Uh Whatever.
Uh, Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark.
(SIGHS) So, uh, you didn't get the job? SIMON: No.
What happened? They found out I lied on my CV.
Oh, everyone lies on their CV, mate! On my CV it says I've got a brown belt in Judo.
I mean, look at me.
Look at me, the only brown belt I've got is a free one from Timpson's because I get so many shoes re-heeled.
It's just the way I walk.
And I mean that in every sense of the way it means.
No calls? No.
The system's down.
It just needs rebooting.
Oh, right, okay.
No, it's just, uh, Jeanette's Jeanette's outside building a snowman.
Oh, good for her, good for her.
You know, the day we stop building snowmen, is the day the Nazis have won.
- So, what now? - Grab that chair, you ginger eejit.
- Yeah? - (LAUGHS) Look at me.
Look at me! Forget about all those people.
You and I have got vision, real vision.
And what we say matters, what we say rather like Mid Morning.
- Matters.
- Matters, Matters.
So what are we gonna talk about? ALAN: This is King and Car, in which we ask If historical monarchs could drive, what car would they choose and why? Lydia in Diss, what's your king and car? LYDIA: Maybe Henry Vcould drive a Renault Megane Scenic.
You think he'd drive French after Agincourt? - Hello? - Bonjour? - (SNIGGERS) Precisely! - (LAUGHS) Trevor in Reedham, uh, what's your king and car, mate? TREVOR: Another suggestion for Henry V, it'd be a Land Rover Defender, long wheelbase, specced up to the nines with Recaro front seats.
Okay, someone taking it seriously.
Uh, we could talk for hours, of course, about whether it would be long or short wheelbase, but basically, a sound choice.
Uh, Samantha in Bawdeswell.
What's your king and car? SAMANTHA: Richard III and a Vauxhall Cascada convertible - because it's available on - It's available on the - Motability Scheme, yeah.
- The Motability Scheme.
So it suits the disabled driver.
But he's a king, he's a king, he doesn't need that subsidy.
He would drive a prestige vehicle.
- Uh, a Porsche.
- A Porsche.
BOTH: A Porsche, my kingdom for a Porsche.
- Love it.
Clap a hand.
- (LAUGHING) - Testify.
- That is great banter! I mean, it's not as good as it was, but it's still very good! - And you know something else, Simon? - What? Knowing me, Alan Partridge.
Knowing you, Simon Denton.
Together.
A Ha! (THE FOUR HORSEMEN PLAYS)
Next week, we'll turn to Bobs, uh, with Marley, Geldof, Dylan, Seger and The Builder.
The time is 11:02.
And we have had a lovely picture being sent in from Jack, who is ten.
And he says, "Hi, Alan, we've been doing a project about the abolition of slavery "and it inspired me to do a painting of you, set in that time.
" - Hmm.
Yeah.
- There it is.
Yeah, the The trouble is, I'm more likely to have been a slave owner.
That's the tragedy, although I like to think I'd be one of the good ones who'd give them an extended break.
- Or a glass of water.
- Yeah.
Uh, absolutely.
On request, but, absolutely.
And maybe, keep some of them on, uh, under your employ after abolition.
Yes, of course, if they wanted to.
Er I'll have to do the sums, but, um Yeah, the thing is, of course they, you know Then they start asking for sanitation.
Next thing you know, they're getting organised.
Before you know it, they're wanting days off because they're depressed.
Uh, so, not quite as simple as it seems.
Um, later, we will be joined by a group of enterprising children who are taking their campaign to save their school playing fields all the way to Downing Street.
But first, though, Berk of the Week.
MALE VOICE RECORDING: Berk of the Week.
RECORDED VOICES: You absolute berk! You berk.
You big berk.
You're an idiot! It had been earmarked once again for Nigel Bevin, head of planning at Norwich City Council.
But, this week, the Berk of the Week is - Alan Partridge.
- What, just this week? OLD WOMAN: You berk.
I I've just taken a few people for granted.
And, uh, acted like a berk, to be fair.
Um, and just want to say soz.
No, it's just, no, a full sorry, actually, so - FEMALE VOICE RECORDING: North Norfolk.
- What was that all about? Hmm? - Is everything all right? - Yeah.
Your eyes are a bit red.
Yeah.
Your hair's a bit red.
Zinger! It's just that Angela's not been in - I wondered if everything was - Forget about it! (MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON RADIO) I think I've invented a new drum beat, listen.
That's great.
Alan, message from Angela, she wants the keys for the caravan.
- Is she here? - No, she phoned.
Uh, yeah, sure.
Just tell her I'll give them to her later.
She said can you leave them on the kitchen table? Why is she asking you to tell me? And, she'd rather you weren't there when she picked them up.
What? That's ridiculous! She just said to tell you.
But we fucking love each other.
- Will you talk to her? - What? What? Just, she's not been right since she's been on this gluten-free diet, you know.
It was only a few texts.
What was a few texts? Do you remember that work's trip to the swimming pool when I started chatting to Melanie, the PA? - About your pool gloves? - Yeah.
Well, anyway, on the way home, she sent me a picture of her in her dressing gown with a lapel ajar.
- Alan - And I just texted back, "I'd like to play your bum like the bongos," and she showed it to Angela.
Ouch.
- MAN: We'll be back in 30 minutes.
- Yeah.
Uh, thanks, Chris.
I Um - Today's phone-in is - No.
I want to play a dedication.
I won't say who it's for.
But let's just say, life's a bit crummy without you.
Uh, love you loads and, yeah, basically, you complete me.
Hmm Everybody needs a little time away Everyone needs that and that's fine.
I heard her say You yelled it.
From each other Which sounds worrying, but it's not.
Even lovers need a holiday Same point again, but I think he means abroad.
Far away Yeah.
From each other Hold me now Oh, I wish I could.
It's hard for me to say I'm sorry And this is the key point.
I just want you to stay (SINGING ALONG) After all that we've been through I will make it up to you I promise to (SINGING OFF-KEY) And after all that's been said and done You're just a part of me I can't let go (HUMS) (MOBILE PHONE RINGING) ALAN: Angela, where are you? God, it's good to hear your voice.
What? I don't know why I said that.
I wasn't gonna literally play her bum like the bongos.
It wouldn't even work.
If you want that effect, you'd be better off clapping your hands.
A backside's got too much give.
It was a raunchy joke that got out of hand.
Don't do this, Angela! Our love is stronger than carbon fibre.
Please.
Please, though.
Please! Please, though! Please.
Please, though! Please, please, though, Angela! Angela, if you dump me, I'll never speak to you again! In fact, I'm gonna dump you first.
Never call me again! Yeah.
Okay, thanks, Gustav.
Okay, Gustav.
Yeah.
Okay, catch you later.
Ciao.
- Just chatting to Gustav.
- Is he all right? Yes, he's just some genuine friend of mine.
(SIGHS) (MOBILE VIBRATES) Hello, Angela.
Angela, if if if If you want to take the caravan, please do so.
If you find caravan ownership fulfilling, then please, Christ Almighty, take the caravan.
Yeah, sure, take the dog, too.
Why don't you? Yeah.
I don't know.
Must have gone for a walk, on his own.
Maybe he's gone to the cinema.
(SCOFFS) Think what you like, all right, it's fine.
Oh, well, see you in Battersea Dog's Court.
Oh, by the way, I wasn't gonna tell you this, but, um You know, your new business venture? Yeah, everyone thinks it's shit, including your sister.
Bye.
(VOCALISING) You all right, Alan? Yeah! Yeah, I'm glad to see the back of her, to be honest with you.
- Really? - Yeah.
I mean, she started tutting during Coast.
And, uh, you know when that happens, there's something fundamentally wrong with your relationship.
But now she wants the dog.
Yeah, she can want her arse off.
Freddy's staying with me.
Yeah, this, um In fact, only the other night, I was taking him out in the garden for a piddle, and he looked up at me, as if to say, "You're better than this, Alan.
"And, uh, whatever happens, um, "I will always be your friend.
" Really? Re Yeah.
I bet you wanted to hug him.
Uh, yeah.
When I turned round he was, uh, over by the bins eating some pâté.
(CLEARS THROAT) You're listening to North Norfolk Digital.
Norfolk, North Norfolk's best music mix.
And we have got a text here from Ruth, who says she is a bit down.
She is awaiting the results of a scan.
Oh! Don't be down, Ruth.
You've got to be glass half full.
- I mean, I'm always glass half full.
- Yes, amen to that.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Whenever I'm down, I think about all the good things in my life.
Uh, I don't have a mortgage, got two cars.
Fairly fit.
I can swim well.
- Uh, I was 12 Years A Slave - (LAUGHS) thank you very much, but, uh, now Now you're Django Unchained.
- Thank you! - A free man.
Indeed.
So, you know, Ruth, just, um, cheer up! (ALL OF MYHEART PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE) (TOY SQUEAKS) (SHOUTING) Okay, that was Funky Gibbon by The Goodies to show that we are not averse to a little bit of anarchy here, having it large with my crew.
Um, but, er No, seriously, it's great to have you all here, please say hello.
- ALL: Hello! - (SHOUTING) But no, it's a bit of a jam in here, I'm sure breaching all manner of fire regs, but, who gives a flip! I'm joined by a bevy of, uh, teenagers from North Walsham Comp, who took, who've taken their campaign to save the school playing fields and dumped it on the doorstep of the PM.
I'm liking it a lot.
Okay, you're listening to MM Ow! Okay, who's the class clown? Who's the class clown? Marv! All right, yeah, all right.
Give me some skin.
Excellent.
Uh, no, it's absolutely fine, we had a class clown.
His name was Brian Golding, a real live wire, a real nutcase.
Uh, took his own life a few years ago, which is kinda sad.
But, a real character.
Yeah.
Anyway, uh, by the way if anyone wants any, uh, Annie Lennox cassettes, I'm good for it.
Um What am I talking about, you're all Robbie Williams, right? - Who? - Who? So anyway, Lisa, uh, to you, now, tell us about the campaign.
Because, a lot of kids get it in the neck from some of the squares out there, uh, but you guys are pretty diff.
Well, we all got a letter during Christmas and we was told that the playing fields are gonna be sold.
Okay, just got to stop you there.
We've had an email from Norwich Fire Service, saying a couple of you need to leave, uh, because we're over the limit here, or face criminal proceedings.
- So I need a couple of volunteers.
- Me.
Great, okay, you two.
Absolutely.
Thanks, thank you very much.
- Okay, that's that dealt with.
- Can I go, too? Yeah, sure.
Yeah, okay, fine.
All right.
GIRL: Ow.
Watch yourself.
That's that dealt with.
Okay, thank you, bye.
Um, gotta say I'm right behind your campaign, though.
- Can I go, too? - I really No, you can't, that's enough, love.
- Uh, it's - (CHUCKLING) Uh, I'm a big fan of, you know, playing fields in general.
Playing fields or even if it's just green belt land, in general.
- I was a green belt.
- Black belt.
I could kick your arse any day.
ALL: Ooh No, I'm talking about countryside.
I'm like you guys.
I like to kick back, get a bunch of CDs, chuck them in a holdall.
- Oomph, in the car.
Bang.
Countryside.
- (BOY BLEATS) - All right, who did that? Was that you? - Yep.
- What's that supposed to mean? - That you shag sheep.
- Ooh! - (ALL EXCLAIMING) - No need for that, mate.
- Sorry.
Uh, that's all right, that's cool.
That's cool.
Didn't mean to insult your girlfriend.
My girlfriend's not a sheep, you wally.
Shut up, Marv.
ALAN: Yeah, shut up, Marv.
(ALL SNICKERING) Um You dick.
Calling me a sheep shagger.
You are one.
- You think I'm a sheep shagger? - Dunno know, mate.
Yeah, well, I think maybe you're a sheep shagger.
You're the one who keeps going on about it.
You probably keep sheep magazines under your bed.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Yeah, probably keep pictures of sheep lying on their back in a pen, you know, with their knickers off.
Yeah, you're the sheep shagger, yeah.
- I bet you kiss them, bet you Yeah.
- (LISA LAUGHS) Lie them down on their back, kiss them tenderly, stick your tongue in their mouths, swirl it round, yeah? - No.
- Play with their teats.
You know, get behind it, strum them like a guitar.
Yeah? You know, grab fistfuls of fur.
Grab its horns like a bike, like a drop handle bars on a racer.
Uh, grifter would be more of a yak.
Yeah, and do you hold them afterwards and say, "You mean the world to me"? Spooning them, with your hot balls pushed up against its woolly back.
- (PHONE RINGS) - That's probably for me.
Oh, I'm really scared.
I am a bit.
Hello.
Hello, Craig.
Okay, yeah.
I'll be in in a minute, yeah.
Okay.
(SIGHS) That was Chris De Burgh, which I always think is Irish for Chris The Berk.
- (PLAYS FUNNY CARTOON MUSIC) - (CLEARS THROAT) And before that we played The Living Daylights by Scandinavian pop duo and always wanted to say this A-ha! Now, in today's show we have a caffeinated quandary for you.
We want to know where you like to grab a coffee.
Sponsored by Costa.
Let us know, Norfolk.
- North Norfolk.
- (LAUGHS) - Hello! Didn't see you there.
- That's okay.
- Caffeinated quandary, that was lovely.
- Hmm.
Yes, it's just that it got to 10:00 and I thought I'd, uh, get a I'd just have to fill in.
- I didn't know whether you were or - Well, I'm here now.
- Yes.
- Permission to come aboard.
- Aye-aye, captain.
- Okay, excellent.
You're listening to North Norfolk Digital with Alan Partridge and Sidekick Simon.
Apologies for my tardiness.
I'm afraid, much like a snowman's carrot nose, - I was held up by the snow.
- (CHUCKLES) FEMALE VOICE RECORDING: Morning Matters news, news - Morning Matters? - Chris wanted to trim it.
He's only been stood in for a month! He just felt it was more manageable.
Morning Matters, more manageable? Mid Morning Matters is much more manageable than Morning Matters, much more.
Yes, after a month away, it would have taken more than a spot of snow, uh, to keep me away.
Bit hairy on the roads, but genuinely happy to be here, happy to do my bit, uh, for the station.
- Wild horses wouldn't stop you.
- Yeah.
Well, I'd just walk round the back of them, but keep away from the legs.
Get kicked in the head by a horse, it'll break your face.
Um, for some reason, horses don't like you walking around the back of them.
Anthea Turner was just the same.
North Norfolk Digital, uh, of course, itself not immune to the effects of snow.
It's skeleton staff here today with all hands on deck.
Sounds like a Sinbad film.
Uh, and I'm here with that Sidekick Sinbad until 2:00 p.
m.
Time for some music though.
Uh Bernard Matthews used to breed his turkeys without them, this is Wings.
- Alan, uh, need a favour, I've got a - Sarah, Sarah - Uh, I can Hello, by the way.
- Hello.
(LAUGHS) Uh, I can help you, if I didn't think I could help you, I'd fire myself, you know.
I'd kill myself.
How? Uh, run into the sea after a big meal? No, how can you help me? (CHUCKLES) Oh, right, yes.
I don't know, how do you need help? Well, no one can get in because of the snow, so I need you to cover the afternoon shows.
Done! Definitely! Definitely! Yeah, I mean, I've only got a doctor's appointment at 3:00, but I'll just It's fine, I'll hang out, I just swim with the gloves on for a few more days.
Also, um, Jeanette's gonna be putting the calls through.
(SIGHS) Is she part of some sort of government programme? - She's She's doing her best.
- (ALAN GROANS) Um, but I know that Craig will really appreciate you getting in.
Oh, right, so he knows I'm here? - Yeah.
- Well, good, great.
- Uh, say hi.
Yeah.
- Righto.
Actually don't, don't say anything, it's no big deal, no big deal.
Just say, "Alan's here.
" Um, "He smashed his wing mirror but he came in anyway.
" Okay.
Actually, just say whatever you like, whatever you like.
Yup.
Yeah.
Uh, but definitely that Alan's here, you know.
And that I smashed my wing mirror.
Um (SIGHS) I'll tell you what, Simon, being suspended was the best thing that ever happened to me.
- Really? - I've got so many ideas, just pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
I've not been this excited, uh, Simon, since, uh, Eddie Shepherd died and all the possibilities that opened up then.
You do know that I'm not gonna be able to do the afternoon shows? Hmm? No, yep, yeah.
Have they not told you I've My job interview? No.
That's fine, that's fine, no worries.
Welcome back to the show, and while your ears were being drenched in molten McCartney, uh, I learnt of a little skulduggery (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) I mean, 'cause Word has reached me that my sidekick, Sidekick Simon, is off for a job interview.
- Which station, buddy? - (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) It's not a It's not a radio station, it's a website, but (EXHALES LOUDLY) It's a new venture, quite a young company and, um, they aggregate content and, uh They, um It's quite democratic there and everyone gets a free breakfast and they have big team meetings where everyone can chip in, - and so everyone feels like they have - (CLEARS THROAT) Everyone feels like they have a stake in it.
- Lot of detail.
A lot of detail there.
- Yeah.
Uh, no, we do wish you all the best.
Uh, uh Free breakfast? It amuses me what lures young people these days.
But, no, I understand, you don't want to stick around with a bunch of dinosaurs like us.
- I've got nothing against local radio.
- (MUTTERING) I've loved it here.
If I was you, I would absolutely want to be out there with the thrusting young multi-media turks and not here with the mono media, um, fogies.
The only thing that's got a bright future with this station is nasal hair.
(SNORTING) - (CHOKING) - Is that your gum? (COUGHS) (INHALES AND EXHALES LOUDLY) - Do you not know the Heimlich manoeuvre? - Yeah.
Wow! So you don't mind me going for the interview? Ah, well, it's like when you used my catchphrase earlier.
I mean, there was a time if you'd I'd caught you saying "A-ha" live on air Uh, before Angela left me, uh, yeah, I would have taped over the security cameras, kicked your car door in and anonymously sent a skip to your mum's house.
But I've been seeing things very differently, um, since Meltdown Monday.
Uh You must be familiar with that term.
That was the one that was used on the internal memos, so - Mental Monday.
- Mental Monday.
Right, my mistake, sorry, mental.
I'm not sure which is worse, meltdown or mental.
I'm cool with both.
Cool with both.
And you'll be all right, will you? Got along before I met you Gonna get along without you now I wonder if we've got that in the system.
Well, look, it's been a pleasure and, uh, I feel like I've learnt tons being here, so thanks for that.
And we've had some good times, haven't we? - Look under artists.
- I'm gonna be, um When you rode that exercise bike - Skeeter Davis, of course it is.
- Anyway, um Maybe see you in the, um, see you in the Boxley Wheatsheaf for the pub quiz? Uh, yeah.
Yeah, sure.
(CLEARS THROAT) Welcome back to a very wintery Mid Morning Matters.
A fascinating letter here about festive refuse collections, pointing out that there should be extra collections on account of the extra waste.
And as I say, I think it's a fascinating subject.
We're having a great time! This is what bananas wear in battle.
It's Bananarama.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING) FEMALE VOICE RECORDING: The Beverly Bacton Show.
Take it easy from 2.
00 till 4.
00.
You're listening to Alan Partridge, in for the snow-bound Bev Bacton.
Uh, time for you to tell us where you would like to grab a coffee, sponsored by Costa.
That's Susan in Herringfleet.
Susan? You need to press "transfer"! Uh, once again, our first caller is Susan in Herringfleet.
Lovely Herringfleet, I always think of it as a fleet of herring advancing towards the mainland, like a sort of fishy Luftwaffe, Susan.
(MUSIC PLAYING) Jeanette! You need to press "transfer"! Susan from Herringfleet, where do you like to grab a coffee sponsored by Costa? SUSAN: Actually, I just wanted to say it's good to have you back, Alan.
I don't know why they made you take time off.
No one made me.
I had a Loch Lomond watercolour break to go on.
Uh, quick tip for you, Susan, don't take up watercolour painting.
It's just not very good.
Uh, now, though, time for some music.
He's got the voice of a rocker, the face of a docker, - it's Joe Cocker.
(SIGHS) - (MUSIC PLAYS) In the absence of our regular news team, the news read by Alan Partridge.
"A body believed to be that of missing teacher Alan Weybridge "has been found in Thetford Woodland by a man walking his dog.
" Uh, he finds a lot of bodies, this guy walking his dog.
If I was the police, I'd be wanting to talk to Rex and his mysterious owner.
"And Norwich residents have expressed dismay "after the newly opened library was vandalised by youths.
" Uh, if you ask me, that's Banksy's fault, so thanks, Banksy.
Uh, thanksy.
Huh, easy.
And a quick announcement from the team here at North Norfolk Digital.
"Today sees the launch of new guidelines for on-air conduct "following the temporary suspension of the disc jockey Alan Partridge.
" What about Banksy? I mean, you know, it starts with, uh, a picture of a couple of coppers having a kiss, which makes you think about society, uh, but it ends with the grotesque spectacle of a big willy daubed on the side of a motorway footbridge.
That's the news.
(IN MECHANICAL VOICE) The robot time is one five colon three zero.
I'm Alan Partridge, in for Dave Clifton.
MALE VOICE RECORDING: Drive time.
Come on Norfolk, let's go home.
Let's hear where you enjoy a coffee, sponsored by Costa.
Leonard in Yaxham.
LEONARD: I have a black coffee on the way to school.
How old are you? Five.
Okay, does Mummy know you do this? Your mummy or my mummy? Your mummy, obviously.
Where's Sidekick Simon? He's gone to, uh, work at a website that aggregates content.
Absolutely meaningless.
Are you sad or happy? Happy! Thanks for your call.
(SIGHS) Percy in Deptford.
PERCY: I like to sit outside my ex-wife's hou Hello? MALE VOICE RECORDING: North Norfolk Digital - Okay, this - North Norfolk's best music mix.
The phone system's down.
(PLAYS MUSIC) I can't get any callers! Hello? Anyone? ALAN: The brain of Carol Vorderman.
Uh, the body of Carol Vorderman, uh, the face of Julia Bradbury, uh, hands, Nanette Newman, legs, Jessica Ennis, uh, backside of a Strictly Come dancer.
Stitch it all together and Bob's your uncle.
I could call it Bob.
Jot it down, uh Traffic lights and I'm gonna stick my neck out here, and say that I think that, uh, amber is obsolete.
Um, because it stems from a period where Today's Celebrity Big Head? Did that.
Edmunds again? Or did I? Was it Hunniford? I don't know why I'm asking you.
Um I'm not actually sure if anyone's listening.
I could be talking to myself.
ALAN: Hello? Hello? Hello? It's rather eerie here like the Mary Celeste, the unmanned boat found drifting at sea.
Um, which actually happened to Nick Knowles once.
His garden backs onto the Thames and, uh, he found an unmanned pedalo in the reeds.
In the end he just dragged it onto the lawn and sold it on eBay.
Some music.
Uh, oh dear, the cellist has just bumped into the Uh Whatever.
Uh, Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark.
(SIGHS) So, uh, you didn't get the job? SIMON: No.
What happened? They found out I lied on my CV.
Oh, everyone lies on their CV, mate! On my CV it says I've got a brown belt in Judo.
I mean, look at me.
Look at me, the only brown belt I've got is a free one from Timpson's because I get so many shoes re-heeled.
It's just the way I walk.
And I mean that in every sense of the way it means.
No calls? No.
The system's down.
It just needs rebooting.
Oh, right, okay.
No, it's just, uh, Jeanette's Jeanette's outside building a snowman.
Oh, good for her, good for her.
You know, the day we stop building snowmen, is the day the Nazis have won.
- So, what now? - Grab that chair, you ginger eejit.
- Yeah? - (LAUGHS) Look at me.
Look at me! Forget about all those people.
You and I have got vision, real vision.
And what we say matters, what we say rather like Mid Morning.
- Matters.
- Matters, Matters.
So what are we gonna talk about? ALAN: This is King and Car, in which we ask If historical monarchs could drive, what car would they choose and why? Lydia in Diss, what's your king and car? LYDIA: Maybe Henry Vcould drive a Renault Megane Scenic.
You think he'd drive French after Agincourt? - Hello? - Bonjour? - (SNIGGERS) Precisely! - (LAUGHS) Trevor in Reedham, uh, what's your king and car, mate? TREVOR: Another suggestion for Henry V, it'd be a Land Rover Defender, long wheelbase, specced up to the nines with Recaro front seats.
Okay, someone taking it seriously.
Uh, we could talk for hours, of course, about whether it would be long or short wheelbase, but basically, a sound choice.
Uh, Samantha in Bawdeswell.
What's your king and car? SAMANTHA: Richard III and a Vauxhall Cascada convertible - because it's available on - It's available on the - Motability Scheme, yeah.
- The Motability Scheme.
So it suits the disabled driver.
But he's a king, he's a king, he doesn't need that subsidy.
He would drive a prestige vehicle.
- Uh, a Porsche.
- A Porsche.
BOTH: A Porsche, my kingdom for a Porsche.
- Love it.
Clap a hand.
- (LAUGHING) - Testify.
- That is great banter! I mean, it's not as good as it was, but it's still very good! - And you know something else, Simon? - What? Knowing me, Alan Partridge.
Knowing you, Simon Denton.
Together.
A Ha! (THE FOUR HORSEMEN PLAYS)