Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s02e06 Episode Script
It's a Living
1 HELLO, GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO IT'S A LIVING.
THE RULES ARE VERY SIMPLE.
EACH WEEK WE GET A LARGE FEE.
AT THE END OF THAT WEEK WE GET ANOTHER LARGE FEE.
IF THERE'S BEEN NO INTERRUPTION AT THE END OF THE YEAR WE GET A REPEAT FEE WHICH CAN BE ADDED ON FOR TAX PURPOSES TO THE PREVIOUS YEAR OR THE FOLLOWING YEAR IF THERE'S NO NEW SERIES.
EVERY CONTESTANT, IN ADDITION TO GETTING A LARGE FEE IS ENTITLED TO THREE DRINKS AT THE BBC OR, IF THE SHOW IS OVER, SEVEN DRINKS UNLESS HE'S AN M.
P.
IN WHICH CASE HE CAN HAVE SEVEN DRINKS BEFORE THE SHOW OR A BISHOP ONLY THREE DRINKS IN TOTO.
THE WINNERS WILL RECEIVE AN ADDITIONAL FEE A PRIZE WHICH THEY CAN FLOG BACK AND A SPECIAL FEE FOR A GUEST APPEARANCE ON LATE NIGHT LINEUP.
WELL, THOSE ARE THE RULES, THAT'S THE GAME WE'LL BE BACK AGAIN SAME TIME NEXT WEEK.
TILL THEN, BYE-BYE.
WELL, IT'S FIVE PAST NINE AND NEARLY TIME FOR SIX PAST NINE.
ON BBC 2 IT'LL SHORTLY BE 6½ MINUTES PAST NINE.
LATER ON THIS EVENING, IT'LL BE 10:00 AND AT 10:30, WE'LL BE JOINING BBC 2 IN TIME FOR 10:33.
AND DON'T FORGET TOMORROW, WHEN IT'LL BE 9:20.
THOSE OF YOU WHO MISSED 8:45 ON FRIDAY WILL BE ABLE TO SEE IT AGAIN THIS FRIDAY AT A QUARTER TO NINE.
IT'S 6½ MINUTES TO THE BIG GREEN THING.
YOU'RE A LOONY.
I GET SO BORED, I GET SO BLOODY BORED.
THIS WAY, PLEASE.
RIGHT-O, I'M COMING.
YES, SIR THIS WAY, EH? BLOODY HELL, WHERE ARE THE LIGHTS? OH, DAMN, WHERE ARE THEY? HOW DOES THIS TURN OFF? OH, I'M UNSTUCK.
OH! AH! OH! WHERE ARE THE LIGHTS? OH! OH, HERE THEY ARE.
OOH! YOU PROBABLY NOTICED THAT I DIDN'T SAY "AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT" JUST NOW.
THIS IS SIMPLY BECAUSE I AM UNABLE TO APPEAR IN THE SHOW THIS WEEK.
SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOU.
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT MY TOOTH'S HURTING JUST AROUND HERE.
GET OFF! OH, SORRY.
I'M NOT SORRY TO INTERRUPT.
I'LL INTERRUPT ANYTHING IF IT GETS PEOPLE LOOKING IN MY DIRECTION LIKE AT MY OLD SCHOOL WHERE, BY A COINCIDENCE THE ANNUAL PRIZE-GIVING IS GOING ON AT THIS VERY MOMENT.
MY LORD MAYOR, LADY MAYORESS IT GIVES ME VERY GREAT PLEASURE TO RETURN TO MY OLD SCHOOL TO PRESENT THE PRIZES IN THIS CENTENARY YEAR.
THIS SCHOOL TAKES VERY JUSTIFIABLE PRIDE IN ITS FINE RECORD OF SCHOLARSHIP AND SPORTING ACHIEVEMENT I'M I'M AFRAID THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE.
THE MAN WHO HAS BEEN SPEAKING TO YOU IS AN IMPOSTOR.
HE IS NOT IN FAC THE BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA BUT A MAN WANTED BY THE POLICE.
I AM THE BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA AND ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE ME CAN LOOK ME UP IN THE BOOK.
NOW THEN, THE FIRST PRIZE IS THIS BEAUTIFUL SILVER CUP WHICH HAS BEEN WON BY ME.
NEXT WE COME TO THE FAIRFAX ATKINSON TROPHY FOR OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMEN IN THE FIELD OF APPLIED MATHEMATICS.
WELL, THERE WAS NO ONE THIS YEAR WHO REACHED THE REQUIRED STANDARD AND SO IT GOES IN MY SACK.
AND BY AN OLD RULE OF THE SCHOOL ALL THE OTHER SILVER TROPHIES ALSO GO IN MY SACK VELLY SOLLY FOR HOLD-UP.
NO PROBLEM NOW.
ME, BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA, NOW PRESENT PRIZES.
EYES DOWN FOR FIRST PRIZE THE FYFFE-CHULMLEIGH SPOON FOR LATIN ELEGIACS GOES TO PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CHINA! GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY.
MY NAME'S BRADSHAW INSPECTOR ELIZABETH BRADSHAW OF THE SPECIAL BRANCH SPEECH DAY SQUAD BUT I'D LIKE YOU TO THINK OF ME AS THE BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA AND I'D LIKE TO PRESEN THE FIRST PRIZE THE GRIMWADE GYNN LORD MAYOR, LADY MAYORESS, MR.
CHAIRMAN LADIES, GENTLEMEN AND BOYS, PLEASE DO NOT PANIC.
PLEASE KEEP YOUR HEADS RIGHT DOWN NOW AND AT THE BACK, PLEASE KEEP YOUR HEADS RIGHT DOWN.
DO NOT PANIC, DON'T LOOK ROUND, THIS BUILDING IS SURROUNDED.
THERE IS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
I AM THE BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA.
NOW, THE FIRST PRIZE IS THE GRANVILLE CUP FOR FRENCH UNSEEN TRANSLATION.
AND IT GOES TO FORBES MINOR FORBES MINOR.
RIGHT, GIVE HIM COVERING FIRE.
COME ON, FORBES, COME ON, BOY! COME AND GET IT, KEEP DOWN.
WELL DONE.
OH, BAD LUCK! THE NEXT PRIZE MR.
L.
F.
DIBLEY'S LATEST FILM, IF.
MR.
DIBLEY, SOME PEOPLE HAVE DRAWN COMPARISONS BETWEEN YOUR FILM, IF WHICH ENDS WITH A GUN BATTLE AT A PUBLIC SCHOOL AND MR.
LINDSAY ANDERSON'S FILM, IF WHICH ENDS WITH A GUN BATTLE AT A PUBLIC SCHOOL.
OH, YES, WELL, I MEAN THERE WERE SOME PEOPLE WHO SAID MY FILM, 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY WAS SIMILAR TO STANLEY KUBRICK'S.
I MEAN, THAT'S THE SOR OF PETTY CRITICAL NIGGLING THAT'S DOGGED MY CAREER.
IT MAKES ME SICK.
I MEAN, AS SOON AS I'D MADE MIDNIGHT COWBOY WITH THE VICAR AS RATSO RIZZO JOHN SCHLESINGER RUSHES OUT HIS VERSION AND GETS IT PREMIERED WHILE MINE'S STILL AT THE CHEMIST'S.
WELL, WE HAVE WITH US TONIGH ONE OF YOUR FILMS, REAR WINDOW WHICH WAS TO BECOME SUCH A SUCCESS FOR ALFRED HITCHCOCK A FEW WEEKS LATER.
NOW, THIS IS A SILENT FILM SO PERHAPS YOU COULD TALK US THROUGH IT.
YES, WELL, LET'S SEE, NOW THERE'S THE REAR WINDOW.
THERE'S THE MAN LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW.
HE SEES THE MURDER.
THE MURDERER'S COME INTO THE ROOM TO KILL HIM BUT HE'S OUTWITTED HIM AND HE'S ALL RIGHT.
THE END.
I MEAN, ALFRED HITCHCOCK WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE SO BLOODY WONDERFUL PADDED THAT OUT TO 1½ HOURS.
LOST ALL THE TENSION.
JUST BECAUSE HE HAD BLOODY GRACE KELLY HE MADE £3 MILLION MORE THAN I DID.
MIND YOU, AT LEAST SHE CAN ACT A BIT.
I COULD HAVE DONE WITH HER IN FINIAN'S RAINBOW.
THE MAN FROM THE OFF-LICENSE WAS TERRIBLE.
A REAL FAILURE THAT WAS TEN SECONDS OF SOLID BOREDOM.
BLOODY TERRIBLE.
MR.
L.
F.
DIBLEY'S FINIAN'S RAINBOW.
AND NOW OVER TO ME.
EXCLUSIVELY ON THE PROGRAM TODAY WE HAVE THE FOREIGN SECRETARY, WHO HAS JUST RETURNED FROM THE BITTER FIGHTING IN THE GULF OF AMMAN.
HE'S GOING TO TELL US ABOUT CANOEING.
THAT GIVES YOU JUST SOME IDEA OF WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE.
TODAY SAW THE LONG-AWAITED PUBLICATION OF THE PORTMAN COMMITTEE'S REPOR ON INDUSTRIAL REORGANIZATION.
IT'S TAKEN FIVE YEARS TO PREPARE AND IT'S BOUND TO HAVE AN ENORMOUS IMPAC ON THE FUTURE OF INDUSTRIAL RELATIONS IN THIS COUNTRY.
IN THE STUDIO TONIGH LORD PORTMAN, CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE SIR CHARLES AVERY, EMPLOYERS' REORGANIZATION COUNCIL AND RAY MILLICHOPE, LEADER OF THE ALLIED TECHNICIANS' UNION AND THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE A HUMAN PYRAMID.
BRA-VO! NOW THE PRESIDEN OF THE BOARD OF TRADE.
GOOD EVENING.
NOW HERE'S THE VICE-CHAIRMAN OF I.
C.
I.
GOOD EVENING.
WELL, SO MUCH FOR POLITICS AND THE PROBLEMS OF BRITAIN'S INDUSTRIAL REORGANIZATION.
NOW WE TURN TO THE LIGHTER SUBJECT OF SPOR AND REG HARRIS, THE FORMER WORLD CYCLING SPRINT CHAMPION TALKS TO US ABOU THE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS OF BIG RACE PREPARATION.
AND NOW THE WORLD OF SONG ANNE ZEIGLER AND WEBSTER BOOTH.
WELL, ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END AND THAT'S ALL FOR THIS WEEK, BUT TO CLOSE OUR PROGRAM DAME IRENE STOAT, WHO CELEBRATES HER 85th BIRTHDAY THIS MONTH READS ONE OF HER MOST FAMOUS POEMS.
"WHO SHALL DECLARE THIS GOOD, THAT ILL "WHEN GOOD AND ILL SO INTERTWINE BUT TO FULFILL THE VAST DESIGN "OF AN OMNISCIENT WILL.
WHEN SEEMING GAIN BUT TURNS TO LOSS" "WHEN EARTHLY TREASURE PROVES BUT DROSS "AND WHAT SEEMED LOS BUT TURNS AGAIN TO HIGH ETERNAL GAIN.
" WE HAD THE MOS MARVELOUS HOLIDAY.
IT WAS ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC.
ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL.
MICHAEL, YOU TELL THEM ABOUT IT.
NO, DARLING, YOU COULD TELL IT BETTER.
EXCUSE ME A MOMENT.
DUNG, SIR.
WHAT? WE GOT YOUR DUNG.
WHAT DUNG? THREE HUNDREDWEIGH OF HEAVY DROPPINGS.
WHERE DO YOU WANT IT? I DIDN'T ORDER ANY DUNG.
YES, YOU DID, SIR.
YOU ORDERED IT THROUGH THE BOOK-OF-THE-MONTH CLUB.
BOOK-OF- THE-MONTH CLUB? THAT'S RIGHT, SIR.
YOU GET GONE WITH THE WIND LES MISERABLES BY VICTOR HUGO THE FRENCH LIEUTENANT'S WOMAN AND WITH EVERY THIRD BOOK, YOU GET DUNG.
I DIDN'T KNOW THA WHEN I SIGNED THE FORM.
WELL, NO, NO, IT WASN'T ON THE FORM.
THEY FOUND IT WASN'T GOOD FOR BUSINESS.
WE GOT THREE HUNDREDWEIGH OF DUNG IN THE VAN.
WHERE DO YOU WANT IT? I DON' THINK WE DO.
WE'VE NO GARDEN.
IT'LL FIT HERE IT'S TOP-CLASS EXCREMENT.
YOU CAN' PUT IT IN HERE.
WE'VE HAVING A DINNER PARTY! IT'S ALL RIGHT, I'LL PUT IT ON THE TELLY.
DARLING, THERE'S A MAN HERE WITH OUR BOOK-OF- THE-MONTH-CLUB DUNG.
WE'VE NO ROOM, DEAR.
WELL, HOW MANY ROOMS HAVE YOU GOT, THEN? WELL, THERE'S ONLY THIS ROOM, THE BEDROOM, A SPARE ROOM.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
MOVE EVERYTHING INTO THE MAIN BEDROOM THEN YOU CAN USE THE SPARE ROOM AS A DUNG ROOM.
YES? DEAD INDIAN.
WHAT? HAVE YOU RECENTLY BOUGH A NEW COOKER, SIR? AH, WELL, THIS IS YOUR FREE DEAD INDIAN, AS ADVERTISED.
I DIDN'T SEE THA IN THE ADVERTS.
OH, NO, IT'S IN VERY SMALL PRINT, YOU SEE, SIR SO AS NOT TO AFFECT THE SALES.
WE'VE NO ROOM.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
YOU CAN PU THE DEAD INDIAN IN THE SPARE ROOM ON TOP OF THE DUNG.
YEAH.
ME HEAP DIZZY! HE'S NOT DEAD! OH, WELL, THAT'S PROBABLY A FAULTY COOKER.
HAVE YOU READ AND EN JOYED THE FRENCH LIEUTENANT'S WOMAN, THEN? NO.
STILL, IT'S WORTH I FOR THE DUNG, ISN'T IT? DARLING, IT'S THE MILK MARKETING BOARD.
FOR EVERY TWO CARTONS OF SINGLE CREAM, WE GET THE M4 MOTORWAY.
ARE YOU MR.
AND MRS.
P.
FORBES OF 7, THE STUDIOS, ELSTREE? YES.
RIGHT, WELL, GET IN THE CAR.
WE'VE WON YOU IN A POLICE RAFFLE.
YES, THIS COUPLE WAS JUST ONE OF THE PRIZES IN THIS YEAR'S POLICE RAFFLE.
OTHER PRIZES INCLUDE TWO YEARS FOR BREAKING AND ENTERING A CRATE OF SEARCH WARRANTS A "WHAT'S ALL THIS THEN?" T-SHIR AND A WEEKEND FOR TWO WITH A SKINHEAD OF YOUR OWN CHOICE.
AND THAT'S NOT ALL! THREE FABULOUS NEW PRIZES HAVE JUST BEEN ADDED: A FOUR-MONTH SUPPLY OF INTERESTING UNDERGARMENTS A FULLY MOTORIZED PIG AND A HAND-PAINTED SCENE OF ARABIAN SPLENDOR COMPLETE WITH SILLY WALKER.
FINALLY, ADD THE SLICED MEA GARNISH THE VEGETABLES AND VOILA A MEAL FIT FOR A PERSONALLY, I PREFER MORE CLASSICAL DISHES.
NIGEL, WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU.
SUPER, SUPER, SUPER.
AM I A TEENY BIT LATE? WELL, A BIT AN HOUR.
OH, SUPER.
ONLY SNOWDON'S BEEN RETOUCHING MY PROFILE AND WE CAN'T UPSE THE LOVELY SNOWDON, CAN WE? DAVID BLOGGS, THE ONE AND ONLY SUPER TO SEE YOU.
WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR? COME AND WORK FOR ME.
I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW.
IT IS REALLY LOVELY TO HAVE THIS LITTLE CHAT WITH YOU.
WELL, I IT IS SO NICE TO BE ABLE TO HAVE THIS LITTLE TALK ABOUT THINGS.
I HEARD A TEENY RUMORLETTE THAT YOU WERE MARRIED.
NOT QUITE, NO MY WIFE'S JUST DIED, ACTUALLY.
OH, DEAR BRIAN! WE MUST GET TOGETHER AGAIN SOON.
SEE YOU.
BYE! PERHAPS WE COULD DO A TRIBUTE TO HER ON THE SHOW.
WELL, NO I'LL GET PETER, WILLIAM, ARTHUR ALEX, JOAN, TED, SCOTT, WILF, JOHN AND RAY TO FIX IT UP.
BUT IT'S SO NICE HAVING THIS LITTLE CHAT.
ACTUALLY, TIMMY I'M GLAD TO GE YOU ON YOUR OWN.
YOU DON'T MIND IF PETER JUST SITS IN, DO YOU? WELL, ACTUALLY HE'S DOING AN ARTICLE ON ME FOR THE MAIL.
HE'S SUCH A LOVELY PERSON.
PETER, THIS IS ONE OF THE NICEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD NIGEL WATT W-A-DOUBLE-T.
THAT'S RIGHT, YES.
ACTUALLY, TIMMY, THE THING IS, IT'S A BIT PRIVATE.
OH, YOU DON'T MIND IF PETER JUS SITS IN, DO YOU? PETER'S WRITING A BOOK ON ME.
PETER, YOU KNOW TONY FROM THE MAIL, DON'T YOU? WE MET IN THE TURKISH BATH YESTERDAY.
SUPER, SUPER DID IT COME OUT WELL IN THE WRITING YESTERDAY? GREAT, GREAT.
YOU TOOK OUT THE TUMMY REFERENCE, DIDN'T YOU? YES, I DID.
SUPER, SUPER.
JUST TO FILL YOU IN THIS IS NIGEL WATTS AND WE'RE HAVING A LITTLE HEART-TO-HEART H-E-A-R-T.
DO GO ON, NIGEL.
WELL, THE THING IS, TIMMY, UM DO CARRY ON IT'S THE TV TIMES ONLY THEY SYNDICATE THESE PHOTOGRAPHS TO AMERICA.
WOULD YOU MIND IF WE JUST SUPER, SUPER.
ONE OVER HERE, I THINK, BOB.
A LITTLE SMILE, PLEASE.
SMASHING, SMASHING.
FEEL FREE, BOB, TO CIRCULATE, WON'T YOU? DO GO ON THIS IS MOST INTERESTING.
THE THING IS, TIMMY I'M A BI EMBARRASSED.
OH, MR.
WILLIAMS IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU.
WILL YOU SIGN THIS FOR MY LITTLE DAUGHTER, PLEASE? HELLO, MARIO.
SUPER, WONDERFUL.
JUST TWO LOVELY COFFEES, PLEASE.
SORRY.
TIMMY, CAN WE JUST GO FROM WHERE MARIO COMES IN? WE'RE GETTING BAD SOUND, OKAY? IT'S GERMAN TELEVISION.
ISN'T I EXCITING, NIGEL? THEY'RE DOING A PRIZEWINNING DOCUMENTARY ON ME.
THE WONDERFUL MR.
WILLIAMS, SCENE 239, TAKE 2.
SPEED.
ACTION! MARIO, HOW SUPER TO SEE YOU! HOW ARE THE LOVELY FAMILY? PLEASE GIVE YOUR LITTLE DAUGHTER THIS.
THANK YOU.
AND JUST TWO LOVELY COFFEES, PLEASE.
YES, SIR.
SUCH A LOVELY WAITER! NOW, GO ON, PLEASE.
THIS IS MOS INTERESTING.
WELL, AS I WAS SAYING, TIMMY MY WIFE'S GONE GONE.
I'VE GOT THREE CHILDREN, AND I'M AT MY WITS' END.
NO JOB, NO INSURANCE, NO MONEY AT ALL.
I'M ABSOLUTELY FLAT BROKE.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE TO TURN.
I'M ABSOLUTELY AT THE END OF MY TETHER.
YOU'RE MY ONLY CHANCE.
CAN YOU HELP ME, PLEASE, TIMMY? SORRY, I WAS ON THE PHONE TO AMERICA.
IT'S BEEN SUPER HAVING THIS LOVELY LITTLE CHAT.
WE MUST DO THIS AGAIN MORE OFTEN.
WILL YOU GE THE COFFEES? I'M AFRAID I MUST DASH.
I'M AN HOUR LATE FOR THE ISRAELI EMBASSY.
DID YOU GET THAT SHO ALL RIGHT, SOUND? YES, FINE.
IT WASN'T A BI TOO WICKED, WAS IT? I MEAN, IT WASN' TOO CRUEL? NO, NO, NO.
IT WAS GREAT.
NO, SUPER WELL, I THINK IT SHOWS I'M HUMAN, DON'T YOU? YEAH, IT'S GREAT.
WELL, THE CHARABANC'S HERE.
COME ON, EVERYBODY.
BYE! TIMMY WILLIAMS COFFEE TIME WAS BROUGHT TO YOU LIVE FROM WOPPI'S IN HOLBORN.
GOOD EVENING.
I HAVE WITH ME IN THE STUDIO TONIGH ONE OF THE COUNTRY'S LEADING SKIN SPECIALISTS RAYMOND LUXURY YACHT.
THAT'S NOT MY NAME.
I'M SORRY, RAYMOND LUXURY YACH-T.
NO, NO, NO.
IT'S SPEL "RAYMOND LUXURY YACH-T" BUT IT'S PRONOUNCED "THROATWOBBLER MANGROVE.
" YOU ARE A VERY SILLY MAN, AND I'M NOT GOING TO INTERVIEW YOU.
ANTI-SEMITISM.
NOT AT ALL.
IT'S NOT EVEN A PROPER NOSE.
IT'S POLYSTYRENE.
GIVE ME MY NOSE BACK.
YOU CAN COLLECT I AT RECEPTION NOW, GO AWAY.
I WANT TO BE ON TELEVISION.
WELL, YOU CAN'T.
PSST! ALL CLEAR.
WHOO, WHEE! HI, THERE, BIG BOY.
WHOO, WHEE! HEY, CUPIE! HELLO, TIGER.
WHOO, WHEE! TIGER! TIGER! WHOO, WHEE! TIGER.
HEY, TIGER EXCUSE ME, I WAN TO GET MARRIED.
I'M AFRAID I'M ALREADY MARRIED, SIR.
NO, I JUST WAN TO GET MARRIED.
I COULD GET A DIVORCE, I SUPPOSE BUT IT WOULD BE A BIT OF A WRENCH.
NO, NO, THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY, BECAUSE SEE, WOULD YOU COME TO MY PLACE OR SHOULD I HAVE TO COME TO YOURS BECAUSE I'VE JUS GOT A BIG MORTGAGE? NO, I WANT TO GET MARRIED HERE.
OH, DEAR, I HAD MY HEAR SET ON A CHURCH WEDDING.
LOOK, I JUST WANT YOU TO MARRY ME TO I WANT TO MARRY YOU, TOO, SIR BUT IT'S NOT AS SIMPLE AS THAT.
YOU'RE SURE YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED.
YES, I WANT TO GE MARRIED VERY QUICKLY.
SUITS ME, SIR, SUITS ME.
I DON'T WANT TO MARRY YOU.
THERE IS SUCH A THING AS BREACH OF PROMISE, SIR.
LOOK, I JUST WANT YOU TO ACT AS REGISTRAR AND MARRY ME.
I WILL MARRY YOU, SIR BUT PLEASE MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
PLEASE DON'T TRIFLE WITH MY AFFECTIONS.
I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR.
I FORGIVE YOU LOVERS' TIFF.
YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST PERSON TO ASK ME TODAY.
I'VE TURNED DOWN SEVERAL PEOPLE ALREADY.
LOOK, I'M ALREADY ENGAGED.
YES, AND I'M ALREADY MARRIED.
STILL WE'LL GET ROUND IT.
GOOD MORNING, I WANT TO GET MARRIED.
I'M AFRAID I'M ALREADY MARRYING THIS GENTLEMAN, SIR.
WELL, CAN I GE MARRIED AFTER HIM? WELL, DIVORCE ISN' AS QUICK AS THAT, SIR.
STILL, IF YOU'RE KEEN.
I WANT TO GE MARRIED, PLEASE.
HEAVENS, IT'S MY LUCKY DAY, ISN'T IT? ALL RIGHT.
YOU'LL HAVE TO WAI TILL I'VE MARRIED THESE TWO, SIR.
WHAT, THOSE TWO, GETTING MARRIED? NIGEL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING MARRYING HIM? HE'S MARRYING ME, FIRST, SIR.
HE'S ENGAGED TO ME.
COME ON, HENRY.
BLIMEY, THE WIFE.
WILL YOU MARRY ME? I'M ALREADY MARRIED.
WELL, THINGS TURNED OU ALL RIGHT IN THE END BUT YOU MUSTN'TASK HOW, BECAUSE IT'S NAUGHTY.
THEY'RE ALL MARRIED AND LIVING QUITE WELL IN A COUNCIL ESTATE NEAR DULWICH.
TODAY I WAN TO TELL YOU A STORY.
ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS AN ENCHANTED PRINCE WHO RULED THE LAND BEYOND THE WUBBLES.
ONE DAY, HE DISCOVERED A SPOT ON HIS FACE.
FOOLISHLY, HE IGNORED IT.
AND THREE YEARS LATER HE DIED OF GANGRENE.
THE SPOT, HOWEVER, FLOURISHED AND SOON SET OU TO SEEK ITS FORTUNE.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
AGNES, DID YOU SEE WHO JUST MOVED IN NEXT DOOR? YES, BLACK AS THE ACE OF SPADES.
OOH, THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD THEM AND THEIR SMELLY COOKING.
AND THE NOISE.
AND THEY BREED LIKE RABBITS.
OH, YES.
HELLO, AND WELCOME TO ELECTION NIGHT SPECIAL.
THERE'S GREAT EXCITEMEN HERE AT THE MOMEN AS WE SHOULD BE GETTING THE FIRST RESULT THROUGH ANY MOMENT NOW; WE DON' KNOW WHERE IT WILL BE FROM.
IT MIGHT BE FROM LEICESTER OR FROM LUTON.
THE POLLING'S BEEN QUITE HEAVY IN BOTH AREAS.
OH, WAIT A MOMENT I'M JUST GETTING A LOUD BUZZING NOISE IN MY LEFT EAR.
EXCUSE ME A MOMENT.
ANYWAY, LET'S GO STRAIGHT OVER TO JAMES GILBERT AT LEICESTER.
WELL, IT'S A STRAIGH FIGHT HERE AT LEICESTER.
ON THE LEFT OF THE RETURNING OFFICER YOU CAN SEE ARTHUR SMITH, THE SENSIBLE CANDIDATE AND HIS AGENT, AND ON THE OTHER SIDE IS THE SILLY CANDIDATE, JETHRO WALRUSTITTY WITH HIS AGENT AND HIS WIFE.
HERE IS THE RESUL FOR LEICESTER: ARTHUR J.
SMITH SENSIBLE PARTY.
30,612.
JETHRO Q.
WALRUSTITTY.
SILLY PARTY.
32,108.
WELL, THERE'S THE FIRST RESUL AND THE SILLY PARTY HAVE HELD LEICESTER.
WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THAT, NORMAN? WELL, THIS IS LARGELY AS I PREDICTED EXCEPT THAT THE SILLY PARTY WON.
BUT THEN, THIS IS MAINLY DUE TO THE NUMBER OF VOTES CAST GERALD.
WELL, THERE'S A SWING HERE TO THE SILLY PARTY BUT HOW BIG A SWING I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU.
WELL, IF I MAY, I THINK THE INTERESTING THING HERE IS THE BIG SWING TO THE SILLY PARTY AND OF COURSE, THE VERY LARGE SWING BACK TO THE SENSIBLE PARTY AND A TENDENCY TO WOBBLE UP AND DOWN IN THE MIDDLE BECAUSE THE SCREW IS LOOSE.
I'M AFRAID I CAN' THINK OF ANYTHING.
I CAN'T ADD ANYTHING TO THAT COLIN? CAN I JUST BUTT IN AT THIS POIN AND SAY THIS IS IN FAC THE VERY FIRST TIME I'VE EVER APPEARED ON TELEVISION? NO, WE HAVEN'T TIME BECAUSE WE'RE GOING STRAIGHT OVER TO LUTON.
HERE AT LUTON IT'S A THREE-CORNERED FIGH BETWEEN ALAN JONES, SENSIBLE PARTY, IN THE MIDDLE TARQUIN FIN-TIM-LIN-BIN-WHIN- BIM-LIN-BUS-STOP-F'TANG-F'TANG- OLE-BISCUITBARREL SILLY PARTY AND KEVIN PHILLIPS-BONG, THE SLIGHTLY SILLY CANDIDATE.
ALAN JONES ON THE LEFT, SENSIBLE PARTY.
9,112.
KEVIN PHILLIPS-BONG ON THE RIGHT, SLIGHTLY SILLY.
NAUGHT.
TARQUIN FIN-TIM-LIN-BIN-WHIN- BIM-LIN-BUS-STOP-F'TANG-F'TANG- OLE-BISCUITBARREL SILLY.
12,441.
AND SO THE SILLY PARTY HAS TAKEN LUTON.
A GAIN FOR THE SILLY PARTY AT LUTON THE FIRST GAIN OF THE ELECTION NORMAN.
WELL, THIS IS A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT RESULT.
LUTON, NORMALLY A VERY SENSIBLE CONSTITUENCY WITH A HIGH PROPORTION OF PEOPLE WHO AREN'T A BIT SILLY HAS GONE COMPLETELY GAGA.
DO WE HAVE THE SWING AT LUTON? WELL, I'VE WORKED OUT THE SWING, BUT IT'S A SECRET.
ER WELL, AH, THERE THERE ISN'T THE SWING, AND HOW ABOUT THE SWONG? WELL, I'VE GOT THE SWONG HERE IN THIS BOX, AND IT'S LOOKING FINE.
I CAN SEE THROUGH THE BREATHING HOLES THAT IT'S EATING UP PEANUTS AT A RATE OF KNOTS.
AND HOW ABOUT THE SWANG? WELL, IT'S 29% UP OVER 600 FEE BUT IT'S A LITTLE BIT SOF AROUND THE EDGES ABOUT WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THE NYLON DOT CARDIGAN AND PLASTIC MULE REST? THERE'S NO SUCH THING.
THANK YOU, SPIKE.
CAN I JUST COME IN HERE AND SAY THAT THE SWONG HAS CHOKED ITSELF TO DEATH? WELL, THE ELECTION'S REALLY BEGINNING TO HOT UP NOW.
I CAN'T ADD ANYTHING TO THAT.
CAN I JUST ADD AT THIS POIN THIS IS IN FACT THE SECOND TIME I'VE EVER APPEARED ON TELEVISION? I'M SORRY, SASHA, WE'RE JUS ABOUT TO GET ANOTHER RESULT.
HELLO, FROM HARPENDEN.
THIS IS A KEY SEAT, BECAUSE IN ADDITION TO THE OFFICIAL SILLY CANDIDATE THERE IS AN INDEPENDEN VERY SILLY CANDIDATE WHO MA Y SPLIT THE SILLY VOTE.
MR.
ELSIE ZZZZZZZZZ SILLY.
26,317 JAMES WALKER SENSIBLE.
26,318.
THAT WAS CLOSE.
MALCOLM PETER BRIAN TELESCOPE ADRIAN UMBRELLA STAND JASPER WEDNESDAY STOATGOBBLER JOHN RAW VEGETABLE ARTHUR NORMAN MICHAEL FEATHERSTONE SMITH NORTHGOT EDWARDS HARRIS MASON CHUF, CHUF, CHUF FRAMPTON JONES FRUITBAT GILBERT WILLIAMS "IF I COULD WALK THAT WAY" JENKIN TIGER DRAWERS PRATT THOMPSON DARCY CARTER PUSSYCA BARTON MANNERING SMITH.
VERY SILLY.
TWO.
WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT A SENSIBLE GAIN HERE AT DRIFFIELD.
NORMAN.
WELL, I'VE JUST HEARD FROM LUTON THAT MY AUNTIE'S ILL POSSIBLY, POSSIBLY GASTROENTERITIS GERALD.
WELL, IF THIS WERE REPEATED OVER THE WHOLE COUNTRY IT'D PROBABLY BE VERY MESSY COLIN.
CAN I JUST BUTT IN AND SAY HERE THAT IT'S PROBABLY THE LAST TIME I SHALL EVER APPEAR ON TELEVISION? NO, I'M AFRAID YOU CAN'T.
WE HAVEN'T GOT TIME.
JUST TO BRING YOU UP TO DATE WITH THE FEW RESULTS THAT YOU MAY HAVE MISSED ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK HAS TAKEN BARROW-IN-FURNESS.
THAT'S A GAIN FROM ANN HAYDON- JONES AND HER HUSBAND PIP.
ARTHUR NEGUS HAS HELD BRISTOLS.
THAT'S NOT A RESULT, THAT'S A BIT OF GOSSIP.
AND ER MARY WHITEHOUSE HAS JUST TAKEN UMBRAGE.
COULD BE A BIT OF TROUBLE THERE.
AND APPARENTLY WALES IS NOT SWINGING AT ALL.
NO SURPRISE THERE.
AND MONTY PYTHON HAS HELD THE CREDITS.
THE RULES ARE VERY SIMPLE.
EACH WEEK WE GET A LARGE FEE.
AT THE END OF THAT WEEK WE GET ANOTHER LARGE FEE.
IF THERE'S BEEN NO INTERRUPTION AT THE END OF THE YEAR WE GET A REPEAT FEE WHICH CAN BE ADDED ON FOR TAX PURPOSES TO THE PREVIOUS YEAR OR THE FOLLOWING YEAR IF THERE'S NO NEW SERIES.
EVERY CONTESTANT, IN ADDITION TO GETTING A LARGE FEE IS ENTITLED TO THREE DRINKS AT THE BBC OR, IF THE SHOW IS OVER, SEVEN DRINKS UNLESS HE'S AN M.
P.
IN WHICH CASE HE CAN HAVE SEVEN DRINKS BEFORE THE SHOW OR A BISHOP ONLY THREE DRINKS IN TOTO.
THE WINNERS WILL RECEIVE AN ADDITIONAL FEE A PRIZE WHICH THEY CAN FLOG BACK AND A SPECIAL FEE FOR A GUEST APPEARANCE ON LATE NIGHT LINEUP.
WELL, THOSE ARE THE RULES, THAT'S THE GAME WE'LL BE BACK AGAIN SAME TIME NEXT WEEK.
TILL THEN, BYE-BYE.
WELL, IT'S FIVE PAST NINE AND NEARLY TIME FOR SIX PAST NINE.
ON BBC 2 IT'LL SHORTLY BE 6½ MINUTES PAST NINE.
LATER ON THIS EVENING, IT'LL BE 10:00 AND AT 10:30, WE'LL BE JOINING BBC 2 IN TIME FOR 10:33.
AND DON'T FORGET TOMORROW, WHEN IT'LL BE 9:20.
THOSE OF YOU WHO MISSED 8:45 ON FRIDAY WILL BE ABLE TO SEE IT AGAIN THIS FRIDAY AT A QUARTER TO NINE.
IT'S 6½ MINUTES TO THE BIG GREEN THING.
YOU'RE A LOONY.
I GET SO BORED, I GET SO BLOODY BORED.
THIS WAY, PLEASE.
RIGHT-O, I'M COMING.
YES, SIR THIS WAY, EH? BLOODY HELL, WHERE ARE THE LIGHTS? OH, DAMN, WHERE ARE THEY? HOW DOES THIS TURN OFF? OH, I'M UNSTUCK.
OH! AH! OH! WHERE ARE THE LIGHTS? OH! OH, HERE THEY ARE.
OOH! YOU PROBABLY NOTICED THAT I DIDN'T SAY "AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT" JUST NOW.
THIS IS SIMPLY BECAUSE I AM UNABLE TO APPEAR IN THE SHOW THIS WEEK.
SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOU.
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT MY TOOTH'S HURTING JUST AROUND HERE.
GET OFF! OH, SORRY.
I'M NOT SORRY TO INTERRUPT.
I'LL INTERRUPT ANYTHING IF IT GETS PEOPLE LOOKING IN MY DIRECTION LIKE AT MY OLD SCHOOL WHERE, BY A COINCIDENCE THE ANNUAL PRIZE-GIVING IS GOING ON AT THIS VERY MOMENT.
MY LORD MAYOR, LADY MAYORESS IT GIVES ME VERY GREAT PLEASURE TO RETURN TO MY OLD SCHOOL TO PRESENT THE PRIZES IN THIS CENTENARY YEAR.
THIS SCHOOL TAKES VERY JUSTIFIABLE PRIDE IN ITS FINE RECORD OF SCHOLARSHIP AND SPORTING ACHIEVEMENT I'M I'M AFRAID THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE.
THE MAN WHO HAS BEEN SPEAKING TO YOU IS AN IMPOSTOR.
HE IS NOT IN FAC THE BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA BUT A MAN WANTED BY THE POLICE.
I AM THE BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA AND ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE ME CAN LOOK ME UP IN THE BOOK.
NOW THEN, THE FIRST PRIZE IS THIS BEAUTIFUL SILVER CUP WHICH HAS BEEN WON BY ME.
NEXT WE COME TO THE FAIRFAX ATKINSON TROPHY FOR OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMEN IN THE FIELD OF APPLIED MATHEMATICS.
WELL, THERE WAS NO ONE THIS YEAR WHO REACHED THE REQUIRED STANDARD AND SO IT GOES IN MY SACK.
AND BY AN OLD RULE OF THE SCHOOL ALL THE OTHER SILVER TROPHIES ALSO GO IN MY SACK VELLY SOLLY FOR HOLD-UP.
NO PROBLEM NOW.
ME, BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA, NOW PRESENT PRIZES.
EYES DOWN FOR FIRST PRIZE THE FYFFE-CHULMLEIGH SPOON FOR LATIN ELEGIACS GOES TO PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CHINA! GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY.
MY NAME'S BRADSHAW INSPECTOR ELIZABETH BRADSHAW OF THE SPECIAL BRANCH SPEECH DAY SQUAD BUT I'D LIKE YOU TO THINK OF ME AS THE BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA AND I'D LIKE TO PRESEN THE FIRST PRIZE THE GRIMWADE GYNN LORD MAYOR, LADY MAYORESS, MR.
CHAIRMAN LADIES, GENTLEMEN AND BOYS, PLEASE DO NOT PANIC.
PLEASE KEEP YOUR HEADS RIGHT DOWN NOW AND AT THE BACK, PLEASE KEEP YOUR HEADS RIGHT DOWN.
DO NOT PANIC, DON'T LOOK ROUND, THIS BUILDING IS SURROUNDED.
THERE IS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
I AM THE BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA.
NOW, THE FIRST PRIZE IS THE GRANVILLE CUP FOR FRENCH UNSEEN TRANSLATION.
AND IT GOES TO FORBES MINOR FORBES MINOR.
RIGHT, GIVE HIM COVERING FIRE.
COME ON, FORBES, COME ON, BOY! COME AND GET IT, KEEP DOWN.
WELL DONE.
OH, BAD LUCK! THE NEXT PRIZE MR.
L.
F.
DIBLEY'S LATEST FILM, IF.
MR.
DIBLEY, SOME PEOPLE HAVE DRAWN COMPARISONS BETWEEN YOUR FILM, IF WHICH ENDS WITH A GUN BATTLE AT A PUBLIC SCHOOL AND MR.
LINDSAY ANDERSON'S FILM, IF WHICH ENDS WITH A GUN BATTLE AT A PUBLIC SCHOOL.
OH, YES, WELL, I MEAN THERE WERE SOME PEOPLE WHO SAID MY FILM, 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY WAS SIMILAR TO STANLEY KUBRICK'S.
I MEAN, THAT'S THE SOR OF PETTY CRITICAL NIGGLING THAT'S DOGGED MY CAREER.
IT MAKES ME SICK.
I MEAN, AS SOON AS I'D MADE MIDNIGHT COWBOY WITH THE VICAR AS RATSO RIZZO JOHN SCHLESINGER RUSHES OUT HIS VERSION AND GETS IT PREMIERED WHILE MINE'S STILL AT THE CHEMIST'S.
WELL, WE HAVE WITH US TONIGH ONE OF YOUR FILMS, REAR WINDOW WHICH WAS TO BECOME SUCH A SUCCESS FOR ALFRED HITCHCOCK A FEW WEEKS LATER.
NOW, THIS IS A SILENT FILM SO PERHAPS YOU COULD TALK US THROUGH IT.
YES, WELL, LET'S SEE, NOW THERE'S THE REAR WINDOW.
THERE'S THE MAN LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW.
HE SEES THE MURDER.
THE MURDERER'S COME INTO THE ROOM TO KILL HIM BUT HE'S OUTWITTED HIM AND HE'S ALL RIGHT.
THE END.
I MEAN, ALFRED HITCHCOCK WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE SO BLOODY WONDERFUL PADDED THAT OUT TO 1½ HOURS.
LOST ALL THE TENSION.
JUST BECAUSE HE HAD BLOODY GRACE KELLY HE MADE £3 MILLION MORE THAN I DID.
MIND YOU, AT LEAST SHE CAN ACT A BIT.
I COULD HAVE DONE WITH HER IN FINIAN'S RAINBOW.
THE MAN FROM THE OFF-LICENSE WAS TERRIBLE.
A REAL FAILURE THAT WAS TEN SECONDS OF SOLID BOREDOM.
BLOODY TERRIBLE.
MR.
L.
F.
DIBLEY'S FINIAN'S RAINBOW.
AND NOW OVER TO ME.
EXCLUSIVELY ON THE PROGRAM TODAY WE HAVE THE FOREIGN SECRETARY, WHO HAS JUST RETURNED FROM THE BITTER FIGHTING IN THE GULF OF AMMAN.
HE'S GOING TO TELL US ABOUT CANOEING.
THAT GIVES YOU JUST SOME IDEA OF WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE.
TODAY SAW THE LONG-AWAITED PUBLICATION OF THE PORTMAN COMMITTEE'S REPOR ON INDUSTRIAL REORGANIZATION.
IT'S TAKEN FIVE YEARS TO PREPARE AND IT'S BOUND TO HAVE AN ENORMOUS IMPAC ON THE FUTURE OF INDUSTRIAL RELATIONS IN THIS COUNTRY.
IN THE STUDIO TONIGH LORD PORTMAN, CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE SIR CHARLES AVERY, EMPLOYERS' REORGANIZATION COUNCIL AND RAY MILLICHOPE, LEADER OF THE ALLIED TECHNICIANS' UNION AND THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE A HUMAN PYRAMID.
BRA-VO! NOW THE PRESIDEN OF THE BOARD OF TRADE.
GOOD EVENING.
NOW HERE'S THE VICE-CHAIRMAN OF I.
C.
I.
GOOD EVENING.
WELL, SO MUCH FOR POLITICS AND THE PROBLEMS OF BRITAIN'S INDUSTRIAL REORGANIZATION.
NOW WE TURN TO THE LIGHTER SUBJECT OF SPOR AND REG HARRIS, THE FORMER WORLD CYCLING SPRINT CHAMPION TALKS TO US ABOU THE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS OF BIG RACE PREPARATION.
AND NOW THE WORLD OF SONG ANNE ZEIGLER AND WEBSTER BOOTH.
WELL, ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END AND THAT'S ALL FOR THIS WEEK, BUT TO CLOSE OUR PROGRAM DAME IRENE STOAT, WHO CELEBRATES HER 85th BIRTHDAY THIS MONTH READS ONE OF HER MOST FAMOUS POEMS.
"WHO SHALL DECLARE THIS GOOD, THAT ILL "WHEN GOOD AND ILL SO INTERTWINE BUT TO FULFILL THE VAST DESIGN "OF AN OMNISCIENT WILL.
WHEN SEEMING GAIN BUT TURNS TO LOSS" "WHEN EARTHLY TREASURE PROVES BUT DROSS "AND WHAT SEEMED LOS BUT TURNS AGAIN TO HIGH ETERNAL GAIN.
" WE HAD THE MOS MARVELOUS HOLIDAY.
IT WAS ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC.
ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL.
MICHAEL, YOU TELL THEM ABOUT IT.
NO, DARLING, YOU COULD TELL IT BETTER.
EXCUSE ME A MOMENT.
DUNG, SIR.
WHAT? WE GOT YOUR DUNG.
WHAT DUNG? THREE HUNDREDWEIGH OF HEAVY DROPPINGS.
WHERE DO YOU WANT IT? I DIDN'T ORDER ANY DUNG.
YES, YOU DID, SIR.
YOU ORDERED IT THROUGH THE BOOK-OF-THE-MONTH CLUB.
BOOK-OF- THE-MONTH CLUB? THAT'S RIGHT, SIR.
YOU GET GONE WITH THE WIND LES MISERABLES BY VICTOR HUGO THE FRENCH LIEUTENANT'S WOMAN AND WITH EVERY THIRD BOOK, YOU GET DUNG.
I DIDN'T KNOW THA WHEN I SIGNED THE FORM.
WELL, NO, NO, IT WASN'T ON THE FORM.
THEY FOUND IT WASN'T GOOD FOR BUSINESS.
WE GOT THREE HUNDREDWEIGH OF DUNG IN THE VAN.
WHERE DO YOU WANT IT? I DON' THINK WE DO.
WE'VE NO GARDEN.
IT'LL FIT HERE IT'S TOP-CLASS EXCREMENT.
YOU CAN' PUT IT IN HERE.
WE'VE HAVING A DINNER PARTY! IT'S ALL RIGHT, I'LL PUT IT ON THE TELLY.
DARLING, THERE'S A MAN HERE WITH OUR BOOK-OF- THE-MONTH-CLUB DUNG.
WE'VE NO ROOM, DEAR.
WELL, HOW MANY ROOMS HAVE YOU GOT, THEN? WELL, THERE'S ONLY THIS ROOM, THE BEDROOM, A SPARE ROOM.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
MOVE EVERYTHING INTO THE MAIN BEDROOM THEN YOU CAN USE THE SPARE ROOM AS A DUNG ROOM.
YES? DEAD INDIAN.
WHAT? HAVE YOU RECENTLY BOUGH A NEW COOKER, SIR? AH, WELL, THIS IS YOUR FREE DEAD INDIAN, AS ADVERTISED.
I DIDN'T SEE THA IN THE ADVERTS.
OH, NO, IT'S IN VERY SMALL PRINT, YOU SEE, SIR SO AS NOT TO AFFECT THE SALES.
WE'VE NO ROOM.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
YOU CAN PU THE DEAD INDIAN IN THE SPARE ROOM ON TOP OF THE DUNG.
YEAH.
ME HEAP DIZZY! HE'S NOT DEAD! OH, WELL, THAT'S PROBABLY A FAULTY COOKER.
HAVE YOU READ AND EN JOYED THE FRENCH LIEUTENANT'S WOMAN, THEN? NO.
STILL, IT'S WORTH I FOR THE DUNG, ISN'T IT? DARLING, IT'S THE MILK MARKETING BOARD.
FOR EVERY TWO CARTONS OF SINGLE CREAM, WE GET THE M4 MOTORWAY.
ARE YOU MR.
AND MRS.
P.
FORBES OF 7, THE STUDIOS, ELSTREE? YES.
RIGHT, WELL, GET IN THE CAR.
WE'VE WON YOU IN A POLICE RAFFLE.
YES, THIS COUPLE WAS JUST ONE OF THE PRIZES IN THIS YEAR'S POLICE RAFFLE.
OTHER PRIZES INCLUDE TWO YEARS FOR BREAKING AND ENTERING A CRATE OF SEARCH WARRANTS A "WHAT'S ALL THIS THEN?" T-SHIR AND A WEEKEND FOR TWO WITH A SKINHEAD OF YOUR OWN CHOICE.
AND THAT'S NOT ALL! THREE FABULOUS NEW PRIZES HAVE JUST BEEN ADDED: A FOUR-MONTH SUPPLY OF INTERESTING UNDERGARMENTS A FULLY MOTORIZED PIG AND A HAND-PAINTED SCENE OF ARABIAN SPLENDOR COMPLETE WITH SILLY WALKER.
FINALLY, ADD THE SLICED MEA GARNISH THE VEGETABLES AND VOILA A MEAL FIT FOR A PERSONALLY, I PREFER MORE CLASSICAL DISHES.
NIGEL, WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU.
SUPER, SUPER, SUPER.
AM I A TEENY BIT LATE? WELL, A BIT AN HOUR.
OH, SUPER.
ONLY SNOWDON'S BEEN RETOUCHING MY PROFILE AND WE CAN'T UPSE THE LOVELY SNOWDON, CAN WE? DAVID BLOGGS, THE ONE AND ONLY SUPER TO SEE YOU.
WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR? COME AND WORK FOR ME.
I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW.
IT IS REALLY LOVELY TO HAVE THIS LITTLE CHAT WITH YOU.
WELL, I IT IS SO NICE TO BE ABLE TO HAVE THIS LITTLE TALK ABOUT THINGS.
I HEARD A TEENY RUMORLETTE THAT YOU WERE MARRIED.
NOT QUITE, NO MY WIFE'S JUST DIED, ACTUALLY.
OH, DEAR BRIAN! WE MUST GET TOGETHER AGAIN SOON.
SEE YOU.
BYE! PERHAPS WE COULD DO A TRIBUTE TO HER ON THE SHOW.
WELL, NO I'LL GET PETER, WILLIAM, ARTHUR ALEX, JOAN, TED, SCOTT, WILF, JOHN AND RAY TO FIX IT UP.
BUT IT'S SO NICE HAVING THIS LITTLE CHAT.
ACTUALLY, TIMMY I'M GLAD TO GE YOU ON YOUR OWN.
YOU DON'T MIND IF PETER JUST SITS IN, DO YOU? WELL, ACTUALLY HE'S DOING AN ARTICLE ON ME FOR THE MAIL.
HE'S SUCH A LOVELY PERSON.
PETER, THIS IS ONE OF THE NICEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD NIGEL WATT W-A-DOUBLE-T.
THAT'S RIGHT, YES.
ACTUALLY, TIMMY, THE THING IS, IT'S A BIT PRIVATE.
OH, YOU DON'T MIND IF PETER JUS SITS IN, DO YOU? PETER'S WRITING A BOOK ON ME.
PETER, YOU KNOW TONY FROM THE MAIL, DON'T YOU? WE MET IN THE TURKISH BATH YESTERDAY.
SUPER, SUPER DID IT COME OUT WELL IN THE WRITING YESTERDAY? GREAT, GREAT.
YOU TOOK OUT THE TUMMY REFERENCE, DIDN'T YOU? YES, I DID.
SUPER, SUPER.
JUST TO FILL YOU IN THIS IS NIGEL WATTS AND WE'RE HAVING A LITTLE HEART-TO-HEART H-E-A-R-T.
DO GO ON, NIGEL.
WELL, THE THING IS, TIMMY, UM DO CARRY ON IT'S THE TV TIMES ONLY THEY SYNDICATE THESE PHOTOGRAPHS TO AMERICA.
WOULD YOU MIND IF WE JUST SUPER, SUPER.
ONE OVER HERE, I THINK, BOB.
A LITTLE SMILE, PLEASE.
SMASHING, SMASHING.
FEEL FREE, BOB, TO CIRCULATE, WON'T YOU? DO GO ON THIS IS MOST INTERESTING.
THE THING IS, TIMMY I'M A BI EMBARRASSED.
OH, MR.
WILLIAMS IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU.
WILL YOU SIGN THIS FOR MY LITTLE DAUGHTER, PLEASE? HELLO, MARIO.
SUPER, WONDERFUL.
JUST TWO LOVELY COFFEES, PLEASE.
SORRY.
TIMMY, CAN WE JUST GO FROM WHERE MARIO COMES IN? WE'RE GETTING BAD SOUND, OKAY? IT'S GERMAN TELEVISION.
ISN'T I EXCITING, NIGEL? THEY'RE DOING A PRIZEWINNING DOCUMENTARY ON ME.
THE WONDERFUL MR.
WILLIAMS, SCENE 239, TAKE 2.
SPEED.
ACTION! MARIO, HOW SUPER TO SEE YOU! HOW ARE THE LOVELY FAMILY? PLEASE GIVE YOUR LITTLE DAUGHTER THIS.
THANK YOU.
AND JUST TWO LOVELY COFFEES, PLEASE.
YES, SIR.
SUCH A LOVELY WAITER! NOW, GO ON, PLEASE.
THIS IS MOS INTERESTING.
WELL, AS I WAS SAYING, TIMMY MY WIFE'S GONE GONE.
I'VE GOT THREE CHILDREN, AND I'M AT MY WITS' END.
NO JOB, NO INSURANCE, NO MONEY AT ALL.
I'M ABSOLUTELY FLAT BROKE.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE TO TURN.
I'M ABSOLUTELY AT THE END OF MY TETHER.
YOU'RE MY ONLY CHANCE.
CAN YOU HELP ME, PLEASE, TIMMY? SORRY, I WAS ON THE PHONE TO AMERICA.
IT'S BEEN SUPER HAVING THIS LOVELY LITTLE CHAT.
WE MUST DO THIS AGAIN MORE OFTEN.
WILL YOU GE THE COFFEES? I'M AFRAID I MUST DASH.
I'M AN HOUR LATE FOR THE ISRAELI EMBASSY.
DID YOU GET THAT SHO ALL RIGHT, SOUND? YES, FINE.
IT WASN'T A BI TOO WICKED, WAS IT? I MEAN, IT WASN' TOO CRUEL? NO, NO, NO.
IT WAS GREAT.
NO, SUPER WELL, I THINK IT SHOWS I'M HUMAN, DON'T YOU? YEAH, IT'S GREAT.
WELL, THE CHARABANC'S HERE.
COME ON, EVERYBODY.
BYE! TIMMY WILLIAMS COFFEE TIME WAS BROUGHT TO YOU LIVE FROM WOPPI'S IN HOLBORN.
GOOD EVENING.
I HAVE WITH ME IN THE STUDIO TONIGH ONE OF THE COUNTRY'S LEADING SKIN SPECIALISTS RAYMOND LUXURY YACHT.
THAT'S NOT MY NAME.
I'M SORRY, RAYMOND LUXURY YACH-T.
NO, NO, NO.
IT'S SPEL "RAYMOND LUXURY YACH-T" BUT IT'S PRONOUNCED "THROATWOBBLER MANGROVE.
" YOU ARE A VERY SILLY MAN, AND I'M NOT GOING TO INTERVIEW YOU.
ANTI-SEMITISM.
NOT AT ALL.
IT'S NOT EVEN A PROPER NOSE.
IT'S POLYSTYRENE.
GIVE ME MY NOSE BACK.
YOU CAN COLLECT I AT RECEPTION NOW, GO AWAY.
I WANT TO BE ON TELEVISION.
WELL, YOU CAN'T.
PSST! ALL CLEAR.
WHOO, WHEE! HI, THERE, BIG BOY.
WHOO, WHEE! HEY, CUPIE! HELLO, TIGER.
WHOO, WHEE! TIGER! TIGER! WHOO, WHEE! TIGER.
HEY, TIGER EXCUSE ME, I WAN TO GET MARRIED.
I'M AFRAID I'M ALREADY MARRIED, SIR.
NO, I JUST WAN TO GET MARRIED.
I COULD GET A DIVORCE, I SUPPOSE BUT IT WOULD BE A BIT OF A WRENCH.
NO, NO, THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY, BECAUSE SEE, WOULD YOU COME TO MY PLACE OR SHOULD I HAVE TO COME TO YOURS BECAUSE I'VE JUS GOT A BIG MORTGAGE? NO, I WANT TO GET MARRIED HERE.
OH, DEAR, I HAD MY HEAR SET ON A CHURCH WEDDING.
LOOK, I JUST WANT YOU TO MARRY ME TO I WANT TO MARRY YOU, TOO, SIR BUT IT'S NOT AS SIMPLE AS THAT.
YOU'RE SURE YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED.
YES, I WANT TO GE MARRIED VERY QUICKLY.
SUITS ME, SIR, SUITS ME.
I DON'T WANT TO MARRY YOU.
THERE IS SUCH A THING AS BREACH OF PROMISE, SIR.
LOOK, I JUST WANT YOU TO ACT AS REGISTRAR AND MARRY ME.
I WILL MARRY YOU, SIR BUT PLEASE MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
PLEASE DON'T TRIFLE WITH MY AFFECTIONS.
I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR.
I FORGIVE YOU LOVERS' TIFF.
YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST PERSON TO ASK ME TODAY.
I'VE TURNED DOWN SEVERAL PEOPLE ALREADY.
LOOK, I'M ALREADY ENGAGED.
YES, AND I'M ALREADY MARRIED.
STILL WE'LL GET ROUND IT.
GOOD MORNING, I WANT TO GET MARRIED.
I'M AFRAID I'M ALREADY MARRYING THIS GENTLEMAN, SIR.
WELL, CAN I GE MARRIED AFTER HIM? WELL, DIVORCE ISN' AS QUICK AS THAT, SIR.
STILL, IF YOU'RE KEEN.
I WANT TO GE MARRIED, PLEASE.
HEAVENS, IT'S MY LUCKY DAY, ISN'T IT? ALL RIGHT.
YOU'LL HAVE TO WAI TILL I'VE MARRIED THESE TWO, SIR.
WHAT, THOSE TWO, GETTING MARRIED? NIGEL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING MARRYING HIM? HE'S MARRYING ME, FIRST, SIR.
HE'S ENGAGED TO ME.
COME ON, HENRY.
BLIMEY, THE WIFE.
WILL YOU MARRY ME? I'M ALREADY MARRIED.
WELL, THINGS TURNED OU ALL RIGHT IN THE END BUT YOU MUSTN'TASK HOW, BECAUSE IT'S NAUGHTY.
THEY'RE ALL MARRIED AND LIVING QUITE WELL IN A COUNCIL ESTATE NEAR DULWICH.
TODAY I WAN TO TELL YOU A STORY.
ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS AN ENCHANTED PRINCE WHO RULED THE LAND BEYOND THE WUBBLES.
ONE DAY, HE DISCOVERED A SPOT ON HIS FACE.
FOOLISHLY, HE IGNORED IT.
AND THREE YEARS LATER HE DIED OF GANGRENE.
THE SPOT, HOWEVER, FLOURISHED AND SOON SET OU TO SEEK ITS FORTUNE.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
AGNES, DID YOU SEE WHO JUST MOVED IN NEXT DOOR? YES, BLACK AS THE ACE OF SPADES.
OOH, THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD THEM AND THEIR SMELLY COOKING.
AND THE NOISE.
AND THEY BREED LIKE RABBITS.
OH, YES.
HELLO, AND WELCOME TO ELECTION NIGHT SPECIAL.
THERE'S GREAT EXCITEMEN HERE AT THE MOMEN AS WE SHOULD BE GETTING THE FIRST RESULT THROUGH ANY MOMENT NOW; WE DON' KNOW WHERE IT WILL BE FROM.
IT MIGHT BE FROM LEICESTER OR FROM LUTON.
THE POLLING'S BEEN QUITE HEAVY IN BOTH AREAS.
OH, WAIT A MOMENT I'M JUST GETTING A LOUD BUZZING NOISE IN MY LEFT EAR.
EXCUSE ME A MOMENT.
ANYWAY, LET'S GO STRAIGHT OVER TO JAMES GILBERT AT LEICESTER.
WELL, IT'S A STRAIGH FIGHT HERE AT LEICESTER.
ON THE LEFT OF THE RETURNING OFFICER YOU CAN SEE ARTHUR SMITH, THE SENSIBLE CANDIDATE AND HIS AGENT, AND ON THE OTHER SIDE IS THE SILLY CANDIDATE, JETHRO WALRUSTITTY WITH HIS AGENT AND HIS WIFE.
HERE IS THE RESUL FOR LEICESTER: ARTHUR J.
SMITH SENSIBLE PARTY.
30,612.
JETHRO Q.
WALRUSTITTY.
SILLY PARTY.
32,108.
WELL, THERE'S THE FIRST RESUL AND THE SILLY PARTY HAVE HELD LEICESTER.
WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THAT, NORMAN? WELL, THIS IS LARGELY AS I PREDICTED EXCEPT THAT THE SILLY PARTY WON.
BUT THEN, THIS IS MAINLY DUE TO THE NUMBER OF VOTES CAST GERALD.
WELL, THERE'S A SWING HERE TO THE SILLY PARTY BUT HOW BIG A SWING I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU.
WELL, IF I MAY, I THINK THE INTERESTING THING HERE IS THE BIG SWING TO THE SILLY PARTY AND OF COURSE, THE VERY LARGE SWING BACK TO THE SENSIBLE PARTY AND A TENDENCY TO WOBBLE UP AND DOWN IN THE MIDDLE BECAUSE THE SCREW IS LOOSE.
I'M AFRAID I CAN' THINK OF ANYTHING.
I CAN'T ADD ANYTHING TO THAT COLIN? CAN I JUST BUTT IN AT THIS POIN AND SAY THIS IS IN FAC THE VERY FIRST TIME I'VE EVER APPEARED ON TELEVISION? NO, WE HAVEN'T TIME BECAUSE WE'RE GOING STRAIGHT OVER TO LUTON.
HERE AT LUTON IT'S A THREE-CORNERED FIGH BETWEEN ALAN JONES, SENSIBLE PARTY, IN THE MIDDLE TARQUIN FIN-TIM-LIN-BIN-WHIN- BIM-LIN-BUS-STOP-F'TANG-F'TANG- OLE-BISCUITBARREL SILLY PARTY AND KEVIN PHILLIPS-BONG, THE SLIGHTLY SILLY CANDIDATE.
ALAN JONES ON THE LEFT, SENSIBLE PARTY.
9,112.
KEVIN PHILLIPS-BONG ON THE RIGHT, SLIGHTLY SILLY.
NAUGHT.
TARQUIN FIN-TIM-LIN-BIN-WHIN- BIM-LIN-BUS-STOP-F'TANG-F'TANG- OLE-BISCUITBARREL SILLY.
12,441.
AND SO THE SILLY PARTY HAS TAKEN LUTON.
A GAIN FOR THE SILLY PARTY AT LUTON THE FIRST GAIN OF THE ELECTION NORMAN.
WELL, THIS IS A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT RESULT.
LUTON, NORMALLY A VERY SENSIBLE CONSTITUENCY WITH A HIGH PROPORTION OF PEOPLE WHO AREN'T A BIT SILLY HAS GONE COMPLETELY GAGA.
DO WE HAVE THE SWING AT LUTON? WELL, I'VE WORKED OUT THE SWING, BUT IT'S A SECRET.
ER WELL, AH, THERE THERE ISN'T THE SWING, AND HOW ABOUT THE SWONG? WELL, I'VE GOT THE SWONG HERE IN THIS BOX, AND IT'S LOOKING FINE.
I CAN SEE THROUGH THE BREATHING HOLES THAT IT'S EATING UP PEANUTS AT A RATE OF KNOTS.
AND HOW ABOUT THE SWANG? WELL, IT'S 29% UP OVER 600 FEE BUT IT'S A LITTLE BIT SOF AROUND THE EDGES ABOUT WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THE NYLON DOT CARDIGAN AND PLASTIC MULE REST? THERE'S NO SUCH THING.
THANK YOU, SPIKE.
CAN I JUST COME IN HERE AND SAY THAT THE SWONG HAS CHOKED ITSELF TO DEATH? WELL, THE ELECTION'S REALLY BEGINNING TO HOT UP NOW.
I CAN'T ADD ANYTHING TO THAT.
CAN I JUST ADD AT THIS POIN THIS IS IN FACT THE SECOND TIME I'VE EVER APPEARED ON TELEVISION? I'M SORRY, SASHA, WE'RE JUS ABOUT TO GET ANOTHER RESULT.
HELLO, FROM HARPENDEN.
THIS IS A KEY SEAT, BECAUSE IN ADDITION TO THE OFFICIAL SILLY CANDIDATE THERE IS AN INDEPENDEN VERY SILLY CANDIDATE WHO MA Y SPLIT THE SILLY VOTE.
MR.
ELSIE ZZZZZZZZZ SILLY.
26,317 JAMES WALKER SENSIBLE.
26,318.
THAT WAS CLOSE.
MALCOLM PETER BRIAN TELESCOPE ADRIAN UMBRELLA STAND JASPER WEDNESDAY STOATGOBBLER JOHN RAW VEGETABLE ARTHUR NORMAN MICHAEL FEATHERSTONE SMITH NORTHGOT EDWARDS HARRIS MASON CHUF, CHUF, CHUF FRAMPTON JONES FRUITBAT GILBERT WILLIAMS "IF I COULD WALK THAT WAY" JENKIN TIGER DRAWERS PRATT THOMPSON DARCY CARTER PUSSYCA BARTON MANNERING SMITH.
VERY SILLY.
TWO.
WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT A SENSIBLE GAIN HERE AT DRIFFIELD.
NORMAN.
WELL, I'VE JUST HEARD FROM LUTON THAT MY AUNTIE'S ILL POSSIBLY, POSSIBLY GASTROENTERITIS GERALD.
WELL, IF THIS WERE REPEATED OVER THE WHOLE COUNTRY IT'D PROBABLY BE VERY MESSY COLIN.
CAN I JUST BUTT IN AND SAY HERE THAT IT'S PROBABLY THE LAST TIME I SHALL EVER APPEAR ON TELEVISION? NO, I'M AFRAID YOU CAN'T.
WE HAVEN'T GOT TIME.
JUST TO BRING YOU UP TO DATE WITH THE FEW RESULTS THAT YOU MAY HAVE MISSED ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK HAS TAKEN BARROW-IN-FURNESS.
THAT'S A GAIN FROM ANN HAYDON- JONES AND HER HUSBAND PIP.
ARTHUR NEGUS HAS HELD BRISTOLS.
THAT'S NOT A RESULT, THAT'S A BIT OF GOSSIP.
AND ER MARY WHITEHOUSE HAS JUST TAKEN UMBRAGE.
COULD BE A BIT OF TROUBLE THERE.
AND APPARENTLY WALES IS NOT SWINGING AT ALL.
NO SURPRISE THERE.
AND MONTY PYTHON HAS HELD THE CREDITS.