Mork and Mindy (1978) s02e06 Episode Script
Mork vs. Mindy
MORK: Nanu, nanu! ( upbeat theme playing ) ( upbeat theme playing ) ( knock ) Who is it? ( knocking persists ) Who's there? ( screams ): Mork! That novelty store is a bad influence on you.
I saw this incredible movie.
Oh, Mork, you scared me to death.
Oh, I'm sorry.
My boss said this would be funny.
I thought an alien would be funny too, but I guess not.
Was it good for you? Mort, I know you're working at a novelty shop, but, please, don't bring your work home with you.
Mork! I'm sorry, Min.
Wait, let me help you dry off.
( buzzes ) ( screams ) Mork! You're so Just leave me alone, all right? I'll do it myself.
I guess I don't understand very much about Earth humor.
Oh, brother! Yeah.
Well, that's all right, believe me.
I have a few bleems to understand you Orkans.
By the way, what is this message you left for me? N-F-C-S-T-H-W-C-O.
And what does that mean? Nfcsthwco.
Oh, Mork.
And what does that mean? Nelson Flavor called and said he would come over.
Oh, no.
I'm practicing shorthand so I can have an exciting career as a credit neurologist.
Nelson Flavor's my cousin.
A what? He's the son of my crazy, rich aunt.
What's a cousin? Somebody who's related to your parents.
Oh, you've struck a sore note there, Mindy.
I'm a test-tube baby.
Even I'm not related to my parents.
Why have I never met this man? Well, he's just so straight.
All right, you want to know what he does for a living? He manufactures attaché cases.
Sounds like a brief career.
Ah, but that's his bag, though.
Arr! He is the kind of guy that you always get the feeling he's trying to sell you something.
He's always slapping you on the back and shaking your hand.
Oh, combination mugger and masseuse.
You know, you always have a way of looking at the bright side.
Well, I have to, Mindy because, you see, today I got fired from my job.
Oh, no, Mork, not another one.
Yeah, I sold a whoopee cushion to a deaf man.
Jeez.
I only have three music students left.
We're starting to run kind of low on money.
Well, I have another possibility for a job today.
I'm going to feed the animals at the zoo.
Especially the baby elephants.
( knock at door ) I'd take them for Chinese.
Yeah, but probably the MSG will make them a little bit hyper.
Probably will, Mork.
That sounds like something you can handle.
Maybe I'll get them stoned first and they'll get the munchies.
Mindy McConnell, how you doing? Just fine.
Nelson Flavor, at your service.
I know, Nelson.
Gee, I'd give you one of my cards, but I left them in my other dress.
( laughs ) What a little kidder.
( chuckles ) Oh, we used to have such F-U-N.
( chuckles ) Uh, Nelson, I want you to meet my good friend Mork.
How do you do, Mork? ( buzzing ) Ah! ( chuckles ) Two little kidders.
Oh! He was working in a novelty shop.
Lot of fun.
( chuckles ) Well, Mindy, uh, reason I stopped by is, you're my most favorite cousin.
Oh Hey, wait.
Honesty time.
You're my only cousin.
That's right.
And I just stopped by to say, "Hey, how you doing?" Well, I'm Well, I'm doing fine.
Uh, since Dad and Grandma sold the music store, I've been teaching music on the side NELSON: Great.
Now, with me there's fantastic news.
I've decided to go into politics.
Oh, gee, I guess that means I won't be getting an attaché case this Christmas.
Oh, darn.
Oh, yes, you will.
You see, the city-council post is just a part-time job, so I'll be keeping my business.
Oh, well, I wish you the best of luck, Nelson, but, uh, isn't the election over a year away? Oh, yes, it is.
I gotta start now if I want my name to become a household word.
Oh, like "fungus" or "Johnny Mop.
" Sort of.
You see, Mindy, the reason I stopped by is that it There are so many, many women in my district, and I wanted to ask you what they think.
About what? Anything.
Radioactive fallout.
What do women think about radioactive fallout? Uh, they're against it.
( in female voice ): Hell, no, we won't glow! Fascinating.
There's a lot more to this politics business than meets the old eyeball.
This city-council post is a steppingstone to the pinnacle, the ultimate.
Owning your own gas station.
Almost.
I want to be the next Vice President of the United States, like my hero, Walter Mondale.
That's quite an ambition.
You think I'm aiming too high? Well, that's what I want out of life.
I've studied everything about Walter.
You know he lives in Minneapolis? I read that he lives in obscurity.
( chuckling ): Friend of yours.
I want to have everything that Walter has.
I want the power, I want the glory.
Everything.
Well, excuse me.
I I'm a little confused by one thing.
Isn't it the purpose of every politician to serve people and help them? Heck of an idea.
You know, that's crazy, but it's just crazy enough to work.
I'll do it to help people.
Hey, listen, Nelson, if you really are interested in the female point of view, why don't you hire me? Yes! You could be my campaign staff.
How soon can you start? Sooner, if necessary.
Good.
Let's go! Okay.
Hey, Mork, will you call Jeanie and tell her I can't meet her for lunch? Oh, yes.
Tell her I got a job.
All right.
And have a great election.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, no, it's gone! Mindy! Mindy, Mindy, Mindy! Mindy! What? What? Have you seen my ex? ( loud bang ) Cigar? Sure.
Big joke till somebody gets hurt.
You could put a eye out.
( upbeat theme playing ) Okay, see, fellas, it's like this: You get this broomstick, you put a little tape on the end of it, you hit the ball, and then you run after it.
See? Kind of like baseball.
Okay, let me get this straight.
There is absolutely nothing about this game that will help me grow as a person? I've never heard it described like that.
It's It's stickball.
You know, it's, uh You play it in the street.
You run from sewer to sewer, and, uh, you You use a car for first.
And then you Like, a garbage guy for second.
Some You You ain't a man till you hit three sewers, I'll tell you that.
It's a heck of a game.
It's, uh, super.
Okay, well, so much for bringing the Bronx to Boulder.
Hey, you know what? You should have told them the stick was organic.
These people are incredible.
They don't even leave me tips.
Oh, there is one guy, however, who does tip me transcendentally.
Oh, good.
Next time, give him a transcendental burger.
No buns, no meat.
( chuckles ) You know, Mork and Mindy are the only normal ones we've met.
Oh, right.
Well, speak of the devil.
( imitating preacher ): The devil! Yea, though he wanders around, he can hide in the kreplach and nail you.
Come forward now.
You can leave the potato salad.
Do you know why? Say "pourquoi" if you know why.
Do you believe? Are you asking? Pourquoi? Butter! Come on home! You believe! Well, at least Mindy's normal.
How you been? Not bad.
I I got fired from another job.
Oh, no.
Sit down.
What happened this time? Well, you know, I was supposed to feed the baby elephants, so I gave them peanut butter and their trunks got stuck to the roof of their mouth.
Then one of them sneezed and flew across the zoo.
But it's all right, though.
I've got an idea for a corporate franchise.
It'll be called, um, Mork's Ice Palace.
Oh.
And my motto will be, "I only have ice for you.
The best you ever thaw.
" ( laughs ) That's a great idea, but what are you gonna do when summer comes? Stop production.
Don't want to flood the market.
Look, don't be discouraged.
I must have tried a dozen different things before I found something I really liked.
What, running a deli? No, lying in the sun.
Boy, I gotta tell you, Mork, I am really proud of my big brother here.
He gave up all that just to put me through med school.
Oh.
Wish I had a job so I could be proud of me.
Oh, come on.
Don't worry about it.
Hiya, Mork.
Nice to see you.
How's it going? Mindy said I could find you here.
Are these your friends? Oh, Nelson Flavor, this is Remo and Jean.
How do you do, Remo? Jean? Say, are you folks, uh, registered voters? Yeah, we are.
Well, in New York.
Awfully nice talking to you people.
Listen, Mork, I've got a little problem.
I wonder if you could help me with it.
Yeah, that's good thinking.
He'll make it a big problem.
Remo! I've got too much work.
Far much more work than Mindy can possibly handle.
I'd like to hire you too.
Me? There's no one else here.
You mean me? Oh, joyous exaltation.
Hallelujah Hallelujah Whoo! Hot dog! Yeow! Woah-ho-ho-ho! I'm okay, now.
REMO: Hey! Thataway, boy! Play hard to get.
Mindy said that you were very conscientious, so I'm gonna make you my executive assistant.
Oh, executive? Does that mean I don't have to work now? We'll take a meeting on it.
Fantastic.
Welcome aboard.
Glad to have you on the team.
Thanks, N.
F.
When do I start? Have your service call mine.
Right away.
And you call me N.
In fact, you can call me anything you want, but don't call me late for dinner.
( laughing ): I love that joke! JEAN: Mork.
Good luck.
Hey, Morko, don't blow it.
Hey, uh, wait a minute.
( chuckles ) Mork, what are you doing with that money? I always see people forget it, so I'm gonna give it back.
Mork, that's my money.
Oh, yeah? Describe it.
Round and silver.
Boy, is my face red.
( upbeat theme playing ) ( Mork singing gibberish ) Yeah! Gonna see What flavors they got Flavors, ha Political innuendo, yeah Hm, yeah! I had no idea political activism could be so stimulating.
Really? I'm kind of bored.
Well, at least we're getting paid.
Yeah.
Eighty bucks a week isn't much.
Wait a minute! Did you say $80 a week? Mm-hm.
He's only paying me 60.
That's because I'm an executive.
You're an executive? My title is "office girl.
" Well, you get me a dress and I'll be an office girl.
Well, how we doing today, team? Ha, ha, ha.
How you doing, Mindy? Well, that depends, Nelson.
Why are you paying him more than me? Oh, he's an executive.
So, what does that mean? He gets a bigger stapler? No, that means that he does all the important, difficult jobs, so you're free to make coffee.
What are you, Nelson? Some kind of a male chauvinist? Well, look, I don't mind making a little coffee, but there's no reason why he shouldn't too.
Well, all right.
I'll go get a pan and fry some up right now.
I'm I'm sorry, Mindy.
I thought making coffee was what women did.
Isn't it genetic? Oh, sure.
I'm getting some negative vibes right now.
You want me to hire another girl? Why not let the boy do it? ( in Southern accent ): I'll just go in the backyard.
You know, get out of the house This entire subject is academic.
I have some very important news.
Are you interested? After close scrutiny of my financial status, I decided that I can only afford to pay one of my assistants.
MORK: No.
The first job I was ever able to keep, and I wasn't able to keep it.
NELSON: Oh, no, I don't want to fire you.
Your work's been excellent.
Well, you sure can't fire me.
You'd die of thirst.
That's true.
Therefore, in the true spirit of American competition, I'm gonna let the two of you battle it out to the death.
I can't.
I I care a lot about Mindy.
And besides, what would I do without me? Uh, no, no, that was a That was a kind of a figure of speech.
I'm going to observe you for a couple of days, and I'm gonna choose one of you.
Oh, let her have it, please.
She needs a job more than I do.
No, no, no, wait a minute, Mork.
I do want the job, but you can't just give up.
If you want something, you gotta fight for it.
I don't want to fight you.
Yeah, but it's not that kind of fighting.
Competing is healthy.
Well, are you gonna compete? Sure.
All right.
I don't want you to compete against yourself, so I'll compete too.
Good boy! I wish you good luck.
And may the best man win.
( upbeat theme playing ) ( upbeat theme playing ) ( yawning ): Oh, yeah! Any coffee? One sec Sure, I have it right here, just the way you like it.
It's ready and waiting.
Oh, I didn't want any with cream.
Oh, you don't want it with cream? I have the history of coffee right here.
We've got your cappuccino.
We have a little bit of espresso right there.
Whoa! We've got your coffee with cream, without cream, with sugar, with lots of sugar for your hypoglycemics, and coffee with no coffee at all.
Whoop! Listen.
Can you hear inflation? Too late.
Very, very, very impressive.
Very impressive.
But why do you have one without coffee? Well, it's kind of a Zen coffee.
It doesn't keep you awake at night and gives you kind of that nirvana buzz.
( imitates buzzing ) Very efficient.
Very efficient.
Efficient.
Me, Morko.
Min.
Yes? Are you mad? ( chuckles ) Do I look mad? Oh, no.
Mork Min? I'm mad.
Why? I thought we'd both try to do the job as best we could.
I know.
You're busy trying to prove you can hold a job, and I'm busy trying to prove that Nelson's a sexist.
Don't all humans have sex? See, there are just some people that believe that men are more capable than women.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Men and women are equal throughout the universe except on Venus.
Oh, yeah? What's so special about Venus? Dogs rule the planet and the cats have to make the coffee.
The point is, is we're acting ridiculous.
Look at us.
So let's try to handle this situation in a mature, adult manner, okay? I agree.
Good.
Excuse me, can I help you? Well, I hope so.
I sell prosthetic dog ears for Doberman pinschers.
Yeah, I'll help you better, though.
Well, I got a problem.
I cater to the curb trade and Oh, well, if you have a problem, I happen to be Mr.
Flavor's personal secretary Well, I'm his personal executive secretary, and I'll kiss and make it better.
No lie.
( chuckling ): Yes.
Don't mind him.
He's really not a well man.
I, on the other hand, am a very capable woman who is privy to even the most top-secret aspects of Mr.
Flavor's campaign.
Yes, but I'm his campaign manager.
Say, it with me, now: Nelson Flavor! You know it.
BOTH: Nelson Flavor.
You're a fan of it.
It's vanilla.
We're talking all-American, melting in the hot sun ( screams ) moist, with a cherry on top! Uh, sir? Uh Uh, I wish you'd come out of there.
We're We're really trying to help you.
Something going on here? No.
No.
Just trying to hold the wall up.
Hold the wall up.
Foundation's weak.
What was that? Big rat.
Who's in there? Pinocchio.
Are you Flavor? Uh, yes, I am.
I got a problem, Flavor.
I'll I'll I'll help you with your problem but first you'll have to come out of the closet.
Oh, I don't think that's his problem.
Okay.
Tell the goons to take a walk first.
Is that all? No.
Look, I'm in canine prostheses.
Mm-hm.
The city's tearing up the pavement in front of my store.
I thought maybe you could stop it.
No problem.
I'll take care of it personally just as soon as I'm elected.
You have Nelson Flavor personally to thank.
Here, have a hat.
Take this brochure.
Read up all about me.
Don't thank me.
Thank the friends who gave us all those contributions.
Word of advice, Flavor, with these two around, I wouldn't run for office.
I'd run for cover.
Uh, Nelson, don't you think there's probably a good reason why the city is tearing up that man's sidewalk? There is? This is probably a more complex issue than I thought.
Uh Uh, Mork, give me a full report on this subject.
Right away.
All right, how is this one? How about this for a byline: "Sidewalks aren't all they're cracked up to be.
Need concrete solution"? Fantastic! Ha-ha! I love the way this boy thinks! Wait a minute.
What a mind.
Did you hear that? Nelson, shouldn't I write that report? I mean, after all, I was hired first.
I have seniority.
Oh, so now you're pretending to be a Mexican? Look, Nelson, if you want to get elected, you're gonna have to pay attention to the women's vote.
Now, what about Mrs.
Hodges? She's the head of the Women's Political League in Boulder.
She's a very important person.
Yes, that's true, and she's a woman too.
And my landlady, Mrs.
Burns.
She's a woman too.
They're everywhere.
I can help you with all of them.
Hm.
This is becoming harder and harder by every You got the political savvy, and you've got all the contacts.
Mork, prepare a report on who you think I should hire for this.
Get me in triplicate.
Give me the original, you keep a copy, and, uh, throw a copy away.
Wait a minute! Mork! Come on Nelson! Oh, yes, I'm sorry.
I tell you what.
I'll make my decision this evening.
You two take the night off on me.
And, uh, I'll see one of you later.
( laughs ): Get it? Well, Mindy, maybe you're right.
We should be mature about this.
Deal with it as adults.
I'll tell you what.
I'll race you home.
You forget, I have wheels.
Ah-ha! But I've got more of them! ( upbeat them playing ) ( chuckles ) ( thump ) Are you still mad at me? Oh, Mork, do I look mad? Oh, yeah.
You're catching on.
Min, what's wrong? We used to have so much fun.
I know, Mork.
It's all because of this dumb job.
Well, you take the dumb job.
No.
Listen, tell you what.
Tomorrow morning, we'll both go down there and we'll both tell him that if he can't find the money to To pay us both, then we'll both quit.
It's a deal? It's a deal.
Okay.
On Ork we call it a partnership or a group corporation.
Really? Same thing on Earth.
Small world, aren't it? ( knock at door ) I'll get it.
Uh! ( clears throat ): Excuse me.
I wonder who that is.
Sounds to me like someone with knuckles.
Hiya, Mindy! Hi, Nelson.
What are you doing here? Well, I was out politicking in the neighborhood and, uh, thought I'd come by.
I've, uh, made my decision.
Well, we've made a decision too, Nelson.
We've decided that no job is worth what you've been putting us through.
And Mork and I care for each other very much, but having to compete like this is making us act like different people.
And we don't like those kind of people.
So you either hire the both of us or we both quit.
I accept your resignation.
Listen, none of your political jargon, now.
I don't want any Nixonisms.
I want the truth.
Honest answers.
Come on, now, clown prince.
How about it? Whoo! Right here.
I'm ready for it.
Let me have it.
That was an answer.
We're out.
We are? I'm terribly sorry, but I realized I have a moral obligation to hire a minority.
I'd like you to meet her.
Suzy! Oh, here, let me carry those for you.
Yes.
She's a minority? Uh, Swedish.
That should help you with the bleached vote.
Just one more thing, Mindy.
I'm speaking to a women's rights rally tomorrow and I wanted to know what's a good subject to speak about? How about, um, looking nice for Mr.
Right? I think they'll really respond to that.
Oh, thanks.
Well, I'll see you guys later.
Us blonds are gonna go have more fun.
( laughs ) Rod Stewart.
Oh, we We go see Rod Stewart? No, we're not going to see Rod Stewart! Well.
Well, I've lost another job, haven't I? Oh, Mork.
I mean, look at it this way: You You've already got a job observing Earth, right? Right.
And you're doing pretty well at that, right? Well, I I guess you're right.
Well, so, what does it matter that you're having a little trouble finding the right Earth job? Well, doesn't matter.
Good.
So at least we're friends again.
No.
Why not? We haven't sealed our partnership.
Oh.
All right, well, on Earth, we do that by shaking hands.
On Ork, we do it by trading clothes.
( upbeat theme playing ) MORK: Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
ORSON: So, Mork, did you finally get that job you've been talking about? Oh, not exactly, your bloatness.
It seems here that on Earth, everyone finds a need to compete with each other.
They compete in sports, in work, in everything.
What do they get if they win? Something called an ulcer, sir.
I don't know what it is, but it must be wonderful because everyone who's successful gets one.
I guess it'll be a while before you put an ulcer on your mantelpiece.
Oh, noshu, chiefsmoke.
Although Mindy and I did have a competition.
Oh? Who won? We both did, sir.
We decided to stick together.
That's very good, Mork.
You're learning about cooperation and maturity.
Oh, yes, your preachiness.
I've learned that even though you win that ulcer, it's no fun if you've lost the one that you wanted to share it with.
Till next week, nanu, nanu.
( upbeat theme playing )
I saw this incredible movie.
Oh, Mork, you scared me to death.
Oh, I'm sorry.
My boss said this would be funny.
I thought an alien would be funny too, but I guess not.
Was it good for you? Mort, I know you're working at a novelty shop, but, please, don't bring your work home with you.
Mork! I'm sorry, Min.
Wait, let me help you dry off.
( buzzes ) ( screams ) Mork! You're so Just leave me alone, all right? I'll do it myself.
I guess I don't understand very much about Earth humor.
Oh, brother! Yeah.
Well, that's all right, believe me.
I have a few bleems to understand you Orkans.
By the way, what is this message you left for me? N-F-C-S-T-H-W-C-O.
And what does that mean? Nfcsthwco.
Oh, Mork.
And what does that mean? Nelson Flavor called and said he would come over.
Oh, no.
I'm practicing shorthand so I can have an exciting career as a credit neurologist.
Nelson Flavor's my cousin.
A what? He's the son of my crazy, rich aunt.
What's a cousin? Somebody who's related to your parents.
Oh, you've struck a sore note there, Mindy.
I'm a test-tube baby.
Even I'm not related to my parents.
Why have I never met this man? Well, he's just so straight.
All right, you want to know what he does for a living? He manufactures attaché cases.
Sounds like a brief career.
Ah, but that's his bag, though.
Arr! He is the kind of guy that you always get the feeling he's trying to sell you something.
He's always slapping you on the back and shaking your hand.
Oh, combination mugger and masseuse.
You know, you always have a way of looking at the bright side.
Well, I have to, Mindy because, you see, today I got fired from my job.
Oh, no, Mork, not another one.
Yeah, I sold a whoopee cushion to a deaf man.
Jeez.
I only have three music students left.
We're starting to run kind of low on money.
Well, I have another possibility for a job today.
I'm going to feed the animals at the zoo.
Especially the baby elephants.
( knock at door ) I'd take them for Chinese.
Yeah, but probably the MSG will make them a little bit hyper.
Probably will, Mork.
That sounds like something you can handle.
Maybe I'll get them stoned first and they'll get the munchies.
Mindy McConnell, how you doing? Just fine.
Nelson Flavor, at your service.
I know, Nelson.
Gee, I'd give you one of my cards, but I left them in my other dress.
( laughs ) What a little kidder.
( chuckles ) Oh, we used to have such F-U-N.
( chuckles ) Uh, Nelson, I want you to meet my good friend Mork.
How do you do, Mork? ( buzzing ) Ah! ( chuckles ) Two little kidders.
Oh! He was working in a novelty shop.
Lot of fun.
( chuckles ) Well, Mindy, uh, reason I stopped by is, you're my most favorite cousin.
Oh Hey, wait.
Honesty time.
You're my only cousin.
That's right.
And I just stopped by to say, "Hey, how you doing?" Well, I'm Well, I'm doing fine.
Uh, since Dad and Grandma sold the music store, I've been teaching music on the side NELSON: Great.
Now, with me there's fantastic news.
I've decided to go into politics.
Oh, gee, I guess that means I won't be getting an attaché case this Christmas.
Oh, darn.
Oh, yes, you will.
You see, the city-council post is just a part-time job, so I'll be keeping my business.
Oh, well, I wish you the best of luck, Nelson, but, uh, isn't the election over a year away? Oh, yes, it is.
I gotta start now if I want my name to become a household word.
Oh, like "fungus" or "Johnny Mop.
" Sort of.
You see, Mindy, the reason I stopped by is that it There are so many, many women in my district, and I wanted to ask you what they think.
About what? Anything.
Radioactive fallout.
What do women think about radioactive fallout? Uh, they're against it.
( in female voice ): Hell, no, we won't glow! Fascinating.
There's a lot more to this politics business than meets the old eyeball.
This city-council post is a steppingstone to the pinnacle, the ultimate.
Owning your own gas station.
Almost.
I want to be the next Vice President of the United States, like my hero, Walter Mondale.
That's quite an ambition.
You think I'm aiming too high? Well, that's what I want out of life.
I've studied everything about Walter.
You know he lives in Minneapolis? I read that he lives in obscurity.
( chuckling ): Friend of yours.
I want to have everything that Walter has.
I want the power, I want the glory.
Everything.
Well, excuse me.
I I'm a little confused by one thing.
Isn't it the purpose of every politician to serve people and help them? Heck of an idea.
You know, that's crazy, but it's just crazy enough to work.
I'll do it to help people.
Hey, listen, Nelson, if you really are interested in the female point of view, why don't you hire me? Yes! You could be my campaign staff.
How soon can you start? Sooner, if necessary.
Good.
Let's go! Okay.
Hey, Mork, will you call Jeanie and tell her I can't meet her for lunch? Oh, yes.
Tell her I got a job.
All right.
And have a great election.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, no, it's gone! Mindy! Mindy, Mindy, Mindy! Mindy! What? What? Have you seen my ex? ( loud bang ) Cigar? Sure.
Big joke till somebody gets hurt.
You could put a eye out.
( upbeat theme playing ) Okay, see, fellas, it's like this: You get this broomstick, you put a little tape on the end of it, you hit the ball, and then you run after it.
See? Kind of like baseball.
Okay, let me get this straight.
There is absolutely nothing about this game that will help me grow as a person? I've never heard it described like that.
It's It's stickball.
You know, it's, uh You play it in the street.
You run from sewer to sewer, and, uh, you You use a car for first.
And then you Like, a garbage guy for second.
Some You You ain't a man till you hit three sewers, I'll tell you that.
It's a heck of a game.
It's, uh, super.
Okay, well, so much for bringing the Bronx to Boulder.
Hey, you know what? You should have told them the stick was organic.
These people are incredible.
They don't even leave me tips.
Oh, there is one guy, however, who does tip me transcendentally.
Oh, good.
Next time, give him a transcendental burger.
No buns, no meat.
( chuckles ) You know, Mork and Mindy are the only normal ones we've met.
Oh, right.
Well, speak of the devil.
( imitating preacher ): The devil! Yea, though he wanders around, he can hide in the kreplach and nail you.
Come forward now.
You can leave the potato salad.
Do you know why? Say "pourquoi" if you know why.
Do you believe? Are you asking? Pourquoi? Butter! Come on home! You believe! Well, at least Mindy's normal.
How you been? Not bad.
I I got fired from another job.
Oh, no.
Sit down.
What happened this time? Well, you know, I was supposed to feed the baby elephants, so I gave them peanut butter and their trunks got stuck to the roof of their mouth.
Then one of them sneezed and flew across the zoo.
But it's all right, though.
I've got an idea for a corporate franchise.
It'll be called, um, Mork's Ice Palace.
Oh.
And my motto will be, "I only have ice for you.
The best you ever thaw.
" ( laughs ) That's a great idea, but what are you gonna do when summer comes? Stop production.
Don't want to flood the market.
Look, don't be discouraged.
I must have tried a dozen different things before I found something I really liked.
What, running a deli? No, lying in the sun.
Boy, I gotta tell you, Mork, I am really proud of my big brother here.
He gave up all that just to put me through med school.
Oh.
Wish I had a job so I could be proud of me.
Oh, come on.
Don't worry about it.
Hiya, Mork.
Nice to see you.
How's it going? Mindy said I could find you here.
Are these your friends? Oh, Nelson Flavor, this is Remo and Jean.
How do you do, Remo? Jean? Say, are you folks, uh, registered voters? Yeah, we are.
Well, in New York.
Awfully nice talking to you people.
Listen, Mork, I've got a little problem.
I wonder if you could help me with it.
Yeah, that's good thinking.
He'll make it a big problem.
Remo! I've got too much work.
Far much more work than Mindy can possibly handle.
I'd like to hire you too.
Me? There's no one else here.
You mean me? Oh, joyous exaltation.
Hallelujah Hallelujah Whoo! Hot dog! Yeow! Woah-ho-ho-ho! I'm okay, now.
REMO: Hey! Thataway, boy! Play hard to get.
Mindy said that you were very conscientious, so I'm gonna make you my executive assistant.
Oh, executive? Does that mean I don't have to work now? We'll take a meeting on it.
Fantastic.
Welcome aboard.
Glad to have you on the team.
Thanks, N.
F.
When do I start? Have your service call mine.
Right away.
And you call me N.
In fact, you can call me anything you want, but don't call me late for dinner.
( laughing ): I love that joke! JEAN: Mork.
Good luck.
Hey, Morko, don't blow it.
Hey, uh, wait a minute.
( chuckles ) Mork, what are you doing with that money? I always see people forget it, so I'm gonna give it back.
Mork, that's my money.
Oh, yeah? Describe it.
Round and silver.
Boy, is my face red.
( upbeat theme playing ) ( Mork singing gibberish ) Yeah! Gonna see What flavors they got Flavors, ha Political innuendo, yeah Hm, yeah! I had no idea political activism could be so stimulating.
Really? I'm kind of bored.
Well, at least we're getting paid.
Yeah.
Eighty bucks a week isn't much.
Wait a minute! Did you say $80 a week? Mm-hm.
He's only paying me 60.
That's because I'm an executive.
You're an executive? My title is "office girl.
" Well, you get me a dress and I'll be an office girl.
Well, how we doing today, team? Ha, ha, ha.
How you doing, Mindy? Well, that depends, Nelson.
Why are you paying him more than me? Oh, he's an executive.
So, what does that mean? He gets a bigger stapler? No, that means that he does all the important, difficult jobs, so you're free to make coffee.
What are you, Nelson? Some kind of a male chauvinist? Well, look, I don't mind making a little coffee, but there's no reason why he shouldn't too.
Well, all right.
I'll go get a pan and fry some up right now.
I'm I'm sorry, Mindy.
I thought making coffee was what women did.
Isn't it genetic? Oh, sure.
I'm getting some negative vibes right now.
You want me to hire another girl? Why not let the boy do it? ( in Southern accent ): I'll just go in the backyard.
You know, get out of the house This entire subject is academic.
I have some very important news.
Are you interested? After close scrutiny of my financial status, I decided that I can only afford to pay one of my assistants.
MORK: No.
The first job I was ever able to keep, and I wasn't able to keep it.
NELSON: Oh, no, I don't want to fire you.
Your work's been excellent.
Well, you sure can't fire me.
You'd die of thirst.
That's true.
Therefore, in the true spirit of American competition, I'm gonna let the two of you battle it out to the death.
I can't.
I I care a lot about Mindy.
And besides, what would I do without me? Uh, no, no, that was a That was a kind of a figure of speech.
I'm going to observe you for a couple of days, and I'm gonna choose one of you.
Oh, let her have it, please.
She needs a job more than I do.
No, no, no, wait a minute, Mork.
I do want the job, but you can't just give up.
If you want something, you gotta fight for it.
I don't want to fight you.
Yeah, but it's not that kind of fighting.
Competing is healthy.
Well, are you gonna compete? Sure.
All right.
I don't want you to compete against yourself, so I'll compete too.
Good boy! I wish you good luck.
And may the best man win.
( upbeat theme playing ) ( upbeat theme playing ) ( yawning ): Oh, yeah! Any coffee? One sec Sure, I have it right here, just the way you like it.
It's ready and waiting.
Oh, I didn't want any with cream.
Oh, you don't want it with cream? I have the history of coffee right here.
We've got your cappuccino.
We have a little bit of espresso right there.
Whoa! We've got your coffee with cream, without cream, with sugar, with lots of sugar for your hypoglycemics, and coffee with no coffee at all.
Whoop! Listen.
Can you hear inflation? Too late.
Very, very, very impressive.
Very impressive.
But why do you have one without coffee? Well, it's kind of a Zen coffee.
It doesn't keep you awake at night and gives you kind of that nirvana buzz.
( imitates buzzing ) Very efficient.
Very efficient.
Efficient.
Me, Morko.
Min.
Yes? Are you mad? ( chuckles ) Do I look mad? Oh, no.
Mork Min? I'm mad.
Why? I thought we'd both try to do the job as best we could.
I know.
You're busy trying to prove you can hold a job, and I'm busy trying to prove that Nelson's a sexist.
Don't all humans have sex? See, there are just some people that believe that men are more capable than women.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Men and women are equal throughout the universe except on Venus.
Oh, yeah? What's so special about Venus? Dogs rule the planet and the cats have to make the coffee.
The point is, is we're acting ridiculous.
Look at us.
So let's try to handle this situation in a mature, adult manner, okay? I agree.
Good.
Excuse me, can I help you? Well, I hope so.
I sell prosthetic dog ears for Doberman pinschers.
Yeah, I'll help you better, though.
Well, I got a problem.
I cater to the curb trade and Oh, well, if you have a problem, I happen to be Mr.
Flavor's personal secretary Well, I'm his personal executive secretary, and I'll kiss and make it better.
No lie.
( chuckling ): Yes.
Don't mind him.
He's really not a well man.
I, on the other hand, am a very capable woman who is privy to even the most top-secret aspects of Mr.
Flavor's campaign.
Yes, but I'm his campaign manager.
Say, it with me, now: Nelson Flavor! You know it.
BOTH: Nelson Flavor.
You're a fan of it.
It's vanilla.
We're talking all-American, melting in the hot sun ( screams ) moist, with a cherry on top! Uh, sir? Uh Uh, I wish you'd come out of there.
We're We're really trying to help you.
Something going on here? No.
No.
Just trying to hold the wall up.
Hold the wall up.
Foundation's weak.
What was that? Big rat.
Who's in there? Pinocchio.
Are you Flavor? Uh, yes, I am.
I got a problem, Flavor.
I'll I'll I'll help you with your problem but first you'll have to come out of the closet.
Oh, I don't think that's his problem.
Okay.
Tell the goons to take a walk first.
Is that all? No.
Look, I'm in canine prostheses.
Mm-hm.
The city's tearing up the pavement in front of my store.
I thought maybe you could stop it.
No problem.
I'll take care of it personally just as soon as I'm elected.
You have Nelson Flavor personally to thank.
Here, have a hat.
Take this brochure.
Read up all about me.
Don't thank me.
Thank the friends who gave us all those contributions.
Word of advice, Flavor, with these two around, I wouldn't run for office.
I'd run for cover.
Uh, Nelson, don't you think there's probably a good reason why the city is tearing up that man's sidewalk? There is? This is probably a more complex issue than I thought.
Uh Uh, Mork, give me a full report on this subject.
Right away.
All right, how is this one? How about this for a byline: "Sidewalks aren't all they're cracked up to be.
Need concrete solution"? Fantastic! Ha-ha! I love the way this boy thinks! Wait a minute.
What a mind.
Did you hear that? Nelson, shouldn't I write that report? I mean, after all, I was hired first.
I have seniority.
Oh, so now you're pretending to be a Mexican? Look, Nelson, if you want to get elected, you're gonna have to pay attention to the women's vote.
Now, what about Mrs.
Hodges? She's the head of the Women's Political League in Boulder.
She's a very important person.
Yes, that's true, and she's a woman too.
And my landlady, Mrs.
Burns.
She's a woman too.
They're everywhere.
I can help you with all of them.
Hm.
This is becoming harder and harder by every You got the political savvy, and you've got all the contacts.
Mork, prepare a report on who you think I should hire for this.
Get me in triplicate.
Give me the original, you keep a copy, and, uh, throw a copy away.
Wait a minute! Mork! Come on Nelson! Oh, yes, I'm sorry.
I tell you what.
I'll make my decision this evening.
You two take the night off on me.
And, uh, I'll see one of you later.
( laughs ): Get it? Well, Mindy, maybe you're right.
We should be mature about this.
Deal with it as adults.
I'll tell you what.
I'll race you home.
You forget, I have wheels.
Ah-ha! But I've got more of them! ( upbeat them playing ) ( chuckles ) ( thump ) Are you still mad at me? Oh, Mork, do I look mad? Oh, yeah.
You're catching on.
Min, what's wrong? We used to have so much fun.
I know, Mork.
It's all because of this dumb job.
Well, you take the dumb job.
No.
Listen, tell you what.
Tomorrow morning, we'll both go down there and we'll both tell him that if he can't find the money to To pay us both, then we'll both quit.
It's a deal? It's a deal.
Okay.
On Ork we call it a partnership or a group corporation.
Really? Same thing on Earth.
Small world, aren't it? ( knock at door ) I'll get it.
Uh! ( clears throat ): Excuse me.
I wonder who that is.
Sounds to me like someone with knuckles.
Hiya, Mindy! Hi, Nelson.
What are you doing here? Well, I was out politicking in the neighborhood and, uh, thought I'd come by.
I've, uh, made my decision.
Well, we've made a decision too, Nelson.
We've decided that no job is worth what you've been putting us through.
And Mork and I care for each other very much, but having to compete like this is making us act like different people.
And we don't like those kind of people.
So you either hire the both of us or we both quit.
I accept your resignation.
Listen, none of your political jargon, now.
I don't want any Nixonisms.
I want the truth.
Honest answers.
Come on, now, clown prince.
How about it? Whoo! Right here.
I'm ready for it.
Let me have it.
That was an answer.
We're out.
We are? I'm terribly sorry, but I realized I have a moral obligation to hire a minority.
I'd like you to meet her.
Suzy! Oh, here, let me carry those for you.
Yes.
She's a minority? Uh, Swedish.
That should help you with the bleached vote.
Just one more thing, Mindy.
I'm speaking to a women's rights rally tomorrow and I wanted to know what's a good subject to speak about? How about, um, looking nice for Mr.
Right? I think they'll really respond to that.
Oh, thanks.
Well, I'll see you guys later.
Us blonds are gonna go have more fun.
( laughs ) Rod Stewart.
Oh, we We go see Rod Stewart? No, we're not going to see Rod Stewart! Well.
Well, I've lost another job, haven't I? Oh, Mork.
I mean, look at it this way: You You've already got a job observing Earth, right? Right.
And you're doing pretty well at that, right? Well, I I guess you're right.
Well, so, what does it matter that you're having a little trouble finding the right Earth job? Well, doesn't matter.
Good.
So at least we're friends again.
No.
Why not? We haven't sealed our partnership.
Oh.
All right, well, on Earth, we do that by shaking hands.
On Ork, we do it by trading clothes.
( upbeat theme playing ) MORK: Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
ORSON: So, Mork, did you finally get that job you've been talking about? Oh, not exactly, your bloatness.
It seems here that on Earth, everyone finds a need to compete with each other.
They compete in sports, in work, in everything.
What do they get if they win? Something called an ulcer, sir.
I don't know what it is, but it must be wonderful because everyone who's successful gets one.
I guess it'll be a while before you put an ulcer on your mantelpiece.
Oh, noshu, chiefsmoke.
Although Mindy and I did have a competition.
Oh? Who won? We both did, sir.
We decided to stick together.
That's very good, Mork.
You're learning about cooperation and maturity.
Oh, yes, your preachiness.
I've learned that even though you win that ulcer, it's no fun if you've lost the one that you wanted to share it with.
Till next week, nanu, nanu.
( upbeat theme playing )