Mulligan (2023) s02e06 Episode Script

1
[dramatic music plays]
Breaking news. Vegetables are here.
Or, more accurately, over there.
They used to be seeds,
but you'll never believe
what they look like now.
- Questions go up at the end?
- Um, thanks, Vance.
Vegetables aren't just cartoons
that tell you Bible stories,
they're also food.
Ugh! This is so boring, man.
No one is watching.
We gotta do something zazzy.
We interrupt whatever this is
for a Zhao News special report.
The government says
vegetables are good for you.
But are they actually poison?
Maybe. Chung-chung!
- Menace on your table?
- What?
So you're saying they were buried,
and then they just
came up out of the ground one day?
Yeah, like zombies.
Zombies? Where?
[all screaming]
So why are you scared of vegetables?
If the government says to do something,
I don't. Just common sense.
Oh my.
- [Zhao] Aha!
- Boo! News!
If plants are so good to eat,
why don't you eat one?
- But that's not food.
- She admitted it. Gotcha!
Johnny says we're doing
"gotcha" journalism now,
and I just gotcha.
Now you get me. [laughing]
[Lucy laughing]
[theme music playing]
[whimsical music playing]
- [thumps]
- [Martha] Oh! Not again.
Ugh, the media. Why does the news
always try to scare people?
Johnny Zhao did that to you too?
[Matty whistling]
- [Zhao] Vegetables. Vegetables.
- Ah! I don't like it! I don't like this!
It's keeping people
from eating free, healthy food.
And Dr. Braun says without farming,
in a month we'll all be
"turning tricks for Lunchables."
And I can't do that. I've only ever been
a magician's assistant.
Lucy, we got this.
As president, I'm undefeated.
Like the 2007 New England Patriots.
18-0, all the way through
the AFC Championship game.
Don't ask what happened after.
Aliens, other presidents, cannibals, dams.
We can do anything!
Yeah, remember when we solved
Yadda's riddle?
Yadda yadda yadda. Yadda yadda?
Um, yadda?
[Yadda] Hmm.
[enchanting music plays]
This will be our greatest challenge yet.
And not just 'cause of Johnny Zhao.
Lots of people hate vegetables,
'cause they're all soggy,
and your mom cuts herself opening the can
and yells at you for stealing her life.
Well, what if we fought back
with our own P.R. campaign?
Like "Got Milk?"
Or "Eggs: The Period You Can Eat!"
Oh! Or that commercial where Kevin Garnett
dunked a glass of water.
- That got me to try water.
- Yes!
We just need a celebrity spokesperson
to show everyone
how cool it is to eat healthy.
[Moosie bellows]
Moosie! Of course.
The original party animal.
Yes! He's, like, all about vegetables.
And sex appeal. Is he too sexy for kids?
Maybe. But they gotta learn sometime.
And it should be from him.
[whimsical music playing]
What, I say what,
is going, I say going, on?
Why was I just accosted
in the middle of my toilette?
- How come vegetables?
- Vegetables!
We have handed the press
a switch to whip our bare behinds with.
Don't worry, chief.
We're flipping the script.
Lucy and me are doing
a whole "Be Like Moosie" thing.
He's a pretty huge get.
He's Annie in Annie
ever since Chuncey replaced TOD as Annie.
[instruments clattering]
I'm a genius.
Mr. President, may I be candid?
Like the lady who starred in Murphy Brown?
Candid Berglin? No.
Are you sure you want to spend
so much political capital on vegetables?
This country was built on red meat.
Do you think the Hamburglar
would risk life in McPrison for lettuce?
First of all, people Lucy's age
don't even know who the Hamburglar is.
- And don't want to.
- And meat? Seriously?
I thought we were past all that.
Eating meat is bad for the environment
and nutritionally inefficient.
And eating an apple is what got us
into this mess in the first place.
God-fearing Americans need meat.
Ugh. Well, I bet I can replicate
the taste in my lab.
Maybe with these new vegetable proteins,
I could actually sneak in some vitamins.
Like when we put
mind control drugs in fluoride.
Gah, we never did anything with that.
Okay, you have fun growing meat.
A woman creating life?
That'll be the day. [laughs]
[Dr. Braun] Mm-hmm.
I do miss hamburgers. But as we all know,
the cows have been super fast
ever since the attack.
[rapid moo]
Puh, there's other meats besides cow.
I grew up hunting,
so while you tend your little garden,
what say the president and I
go murder us some real food?
No can do.
We're going on Vance Barry's talk show,
and Moosie's gonna show everyone
how to eat vegetables.
I think it's with your mouth,
but he's the expert.
Conk-a-choo, neighbors. Just here
to return the cup of sugar I borrowed.
[Lucy] Hmm.
King Jeremy, I know the English
enjoy the thrill of the hunt.
- We invented being drunk with a gun.
- What about you, buggy?
Care to join us
on a real American hunting trip?
No, thank you. Killing stuff on Earth
just feels like work.
- I'd be interested in going.
- You? With a gun? Har har! I'm laughing.
[laughs] Yes, very funny.
And I think everyone should have a gun.
Even babies and other guns.
I don't care for firearms,
but I'll have you know
I'm an expert archer.
An archer? Like Katniss Everdeen?
I got into archery
before Hunger Games, okay?
Because I needed a non-contact way
to satisfy my P.E. requirement.
So a-hunting we shall go!
[LaMarr groans]
- Careful
- [TOD-209] Why petri dish breathe?
I'm growing meat
that's actually good for you.
With human gut bacteria
in the tissue so it's easy to digest.
And I switched off the genes
that control hair and bone growth.
I learned that lesson.
[dramatic music plays]
[TOD-209]
Oh, so Doctor playing God. Again.
That always work out so great.
Okay, why don't you make yourself useful
and clean up around here?
[mechanical whirring]
[exhales, sneezes]
[TOD-209] TOD forgot about sneezing.
Noses weird.
[laughs] Not as weird as genitals.
Oh, I should turn those off
in this batch too. Eugh.
[determined music plays]
Careful, Simon.
Don't get your Hunger Games brooch
caught in the underbrush.
It's a Western Meadowlark.
And the U.S. Archery Association
only gives it to people
with a perfect record
of killing zero birds.
Shh! Y'all hear that?
[curious music playing]
[Jeremy gasps] A stag.
Your Highness, please,
ladies first. Ms. Everdeen?
Oh, I'm laughing so hard
I forgot to do it.
Gah, I messed it up.
If you manage to hit that stag,
I'll give you the real Mulan's bow.
It was in the British Embassy with a bunch
of other stuff labeled "Finders Keepers."
[Simon inhales deeply]
[licks lips]
[exhales]
Breathe, archer. Let the spirit
of Diana the huntress penetrate you.
[whooshing]
[stag groans]
- Well, I'll be.
- Egads!
I did it! You didn't think I could do it,
but I did it. I'm the top boy.
[determined music plays]
- Whoa.
- Oh, bother. Bother me raw.
What have I done? Oh
[dramatic music playing]
[Lucy] What do you mean Moosie's not here?
He's booked on Vance Barry's
daytime talk show.
He goes on
right after Paul Rudd's skeleton.
How do you stay so young?
[laughs] Wonderful. Now, we have a clip.
Why are you saying things
that aren't about Chuncey?
Dude, we need that moose.
Who else is gonna show people
how to eat a carrot? You?
You wish.
Without Moosie,
we can't possibly compete with Zhao.
Maybe the 2007 Patriots
lose a game this time.
They don't. Not ever!
And there's a bigger celebrity
than Moosie out there.
A certain guy who threw
a certain grenade in a certain vent.
- Is it my brother-in-law, Dennis?
- Did he throw a grenade in a vent?
We don't really talk. Maybe.
- No, me. I'll do it.
- [heroic music playing]
Because the only thing
better than Moosie is Me-see.
Wordplay?
More like wordwork. You've been Chunceyed.
[whimsical music plays]
We killed him, man.
Major malfunction, man.
Oh, son, this is nothing.
Covering up oopsie-daisies like this is
just part of life in our nation's capital,
and this here's an easy one.
Normally the hard part
is dragging the body to the woods.
That's exactly
why fox hunting was invented.
The woods are the best place to get rid
of problematic links
in the old genetic chain.
Err, this is a big doggy.
That's right, Uncle Reginald.
Just go on out in front with the hounds.
[hound growls, barks]
[Simon sobbing] Ow!
Get a hold of yourself!
We're all in this together.
I don't wanna be bonded
by a terrible secret.
Too late. But all we need to do is dispose
of your congressional aide's cadaver, and
Sorry, old habits. This one's a moose.
We bury it and go back
to the White House empty-handed.
Precisely.
It was just a failed hunting trip.
[whimsical music playing]
[Simon gulps]
Welcome back to OK, Hi!
How was your weekend, Johnny?
It's Thursday. What is wrong with you?
Okay.
You'll recognize our next guests
if you've ever seen them before.
Lucy Suwan and President Mulligan.
[audience cheering, applauding]
Hi, everybody. Great to be here.
Now, a lot of people are saying vegetables
are demons sent here to murder our dreams.
Your thoughts?
That's something
I've heard in the media a lot lately.
But actually, they're food,
and they're good for you.
Vegetables have never hurt anyone.
Gotcha! Vegetables never hurt anyone?
Our surprise guests might disagree.
Oh, so this is like Maury.
My sisters were always going on that show
to figure out who the father was.
They never found him, not once.
Matty and Lucy, say "hello"
to what used to be The Wonder Team.
- [audience gasps]
- [indistinct chatter]
- Here we go!
- Should I say hello too?
I don't wanna be rude.
You guys used to think you fought crime.
What happened?
We listened
to the Mulligan administration,
and ate vegetables,
and now our powers are gone.
[audience gasps]
My bones straightened,
so I'm not Professor Bendy anymore.
I'm just
plain old Professor Ben Benderson.
Reverse Wolverine's blood is clotting now,
Polka Dot's rashes have cleared up,
and The Phantom is visible again.
Okay, first of all,
I could see that guy before.
And second,
isn't the other stuff all good things?
Yeah, who are you gonna trust here?
The media, who tried to tell us
capris were the hot new look for men?
These lower shins don't lie.
Or me and Lucy?
The 2007 Patriots. Undefeated. In the AFC.
And in regular season play
outside the AFC.
- And everyone here loves Moosie, right?
- [audience] Yeah!
Well, he eats vegetables, like, 24/7,
and he's as healthy as a moose.
Was that supposed to be a joke?
You said it like it was a joke.
Yeah, when Moosie's not skateboarding
or banging chicks, he's eating vegetables.
Okay, so where is he?
If he's the face
of your pro-vegetable agenda,
why isn't he here?
Well, we can't find him.
A thousand-pound moose
doesn't just go missing.
Oh my God.
Story of the century.
What if Moosie's dead?
[audience gasps]
You said he eats vegetables 24/7,
and we saw
what they did to The Wonder Team.
What could they do
to a known vegetable addict like Moosie?
Ooh, hang on a sec.
[Zhao mumbling]
- [Vance] Chung-chung!
- [audience gasps]
The president's trying to kill us!
Somebody help!
- No, that's Ugh!
- [Lucy sighs]
Is Moosie dead?
Learn more at 11.
Or, if you've already turned 11,
I'll tell you right now.
[sipping]
Huh?
Who could have possibly?
Oh, you must be the woman who made me.
[whimsical music plays]
Don't even start.
How are you so talking?
Well, according to those calculations,
I was made
with some of your own genetic material.
From when I sneezed.
[gasps] Oh, brudder.
What am I supposed to do
with a mound of sentient Blagh!
[gagging]
[spits]
What the hell, man?
Isn't that why you made me? To be eaten?
I am part bilophila wadsworthia bacteria,
so my instinct is to return to my home,
the human digestive tract.
Did I do wrong?
Um
[TOD-209] Doctor was so preoccupied
with whether she could,
didn't stop to think if she should.
Like when she started wearing fanny pack
My purse was giving me a limp.
[softly] You were right, okay?
Clearly, it's back to the drawing board
with this thing.
Can you just use
your flamethrower arm and get rid of it?
[TOD-209] Is that how Doctor handle
experiments that not perfect?
Would you ever
"go back to drawing board" with TOD?
No.
So, fine.
- [sighs] We won't kill it.
- [Sentient Meat humming]
- But if that thing gets out of the lab
- [Sentient Meat] Hmm!
Goddammit.
[curious music playing]
[Simon shudders]
- This is bad, man. How do they know?
- [dramatic music playing]
- Just. Stay. Frosty. No one knows nothing.
- So everyone knows everything?
Major malfunction, guys. Moosie's missing,
and the news is blaming vegetables.
- Uh, wait. Wha?!
- Ah, well, that explains the graffito.
You guys were out in the woods.
Please tell me you saw Moosie.
A thousand pounds? Antlers?
Kind of a bad boy but you feel
you could change him?
Sorry, but I didn't see Moosie.
Nor I.
No. No Moosie. I didn't kill anything
on our failed hunting trip.
No duh, Fatness Never-peen.
[laughs]
- Good one, Mr. President.
- Oh, very droll.
You should've just focused
on the art of camouflage,
like your boyfriend,
the breadmaker's son, Peeta Mellark.
And then you kiss in a cave,
all covered in mud.
Look, obviously Simon
is terrible at hunting.
But we've got bigger fish to fry.
Well, I wish we had fish to fry,
but Simon probably
couldn't shoot one in a barrel. Hey-o!
[LaMarr and Jeremy laughing]
This is no time for jokes, Lucy.
People think we killed
the most radical party dude in all D.C.
And it's all my fault.
[exhales sharply] I was so obsessed
with just getting another win
that I sold out
the one thing I truly believe.
What does this have to do
with "beer before liquor, never sicker"?
I mean I pretended to like vegetables.
But I don't.
I'm not a vegetable-liker.
I think they're gross.
Gasp!
I guess?
I let this town change me.
And now I'm getting my just desserts.
No apps. No entrées. Just desserts.
And that's a recipe for a tummy-ache.
I'm sorry,
this is about him not liking veg?
Sir, vegetables are the third rail
of American politics.
Obama with arugula, and H.W. and broccoli,
Dan Quayle spelling "potato."
But there's no reason
you need to take the blame for Moosie.
This is D.C. 101.
The rock station playing
all the hits of the '70s, '80s, and '90s?
I mean shifting blame is what we do here.
And we've already got a perfect scapegoat.
My ears are burning!
Because I'm allergic to roses!
Wait, we're saying Axatrax killed Moosie?
When we know he didn't do it.
Well, we don't know anything.
I don't know why we're all talking
like this, but I agree with Simon.
Sir, Moosie's gone.
And if people wanna blame something green,
I say we let 'em.
[Matty sighs]
Okay.
Capital! And if that fails,
we can say the paparazzi did it. Wink.
[Simon groans]
[whimsical music playing]
Simon, hey! I'm not looking for a thing.
What would it even be?
Hiding something? Why would I be? I'm not!
Ha ha ha. LOL.
- [Kirsten groans] Stop that.
- Here comes the choo-choo plane.
- [Sentient Meat grunts]
- Dude, gross.
[Dr. Braun] Ugh.
So, my lab meat
kind of developed sentience.
And now you want me to kill it?
I'm not a killer, Farrah.
I'm not. I won't. I didn't.
Who was that?
Did you see his mouth?
Oh, and tummy for miles.
Oh my God,
I thought I was done giving this talk
after I stopped teaching
The Science of Lacrosse at G.W.,
but you cannot keep trying to force
parts of yourself into people's mouths.
But you made me want to be in tummies.
For yum-yums!
It is my purpose. I want to be poops.
Neat. I'm so glad
TOD won't let me flamethrower you.
[both laughing]
- Stranger danger!
- You are getting on my last nerve, Simon.
And I mean my very last nerve.
I've just got the one left.
We're nearly home free, old sport.
Just button
that sloppy wet mouth of yours,
and let Axatrax take the blame.
It's not gonna work, man.
The cover-up is always worse
than the crime.
Watergate. Iran Contra.
Elon Musk's hairline.
Oh please. You only heard of those
because the cover-ups failed.
But the good cover-ups,
the Ralph Nader assassination,
Roosevelt being able to walk just fine,
no one ever finds out about those.
Exactly! The Oompa-Loompa genocide,
Prince Philip's zombie,
the palace Corgis' Nazi sympathies.
All successfully swept under the rug.
[stammers] But it's not right.
Axatrax didn't do it. He's innocent.
Innocent? Axatrax killed
billions of people, meese, and gooses.
He deserves to be locked up
for the rest of his life.
Just like Paddington in Paddington 2.
Who cares if he stole the book or not,
he's a bear!
He shouldn't be walking the streets,
let alone working in a barbershop.
And no one will suspect a thing.
After all, you wouldn't even hurt a bird.
Exactly.
Which is why I'm not letting Axatrax
take the fall for me.
I volunteer as tribute!
Yes, I got into archery
because of The Hunger Games, okay?
Bother!
[uplifting music plays]
Sentient Meat,
these people have all come forward
to say that you tried
to make them eat you.
Do you even see us as human beings?
Or just mouths to [grunting, spits]
Okay, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.
But it's a compliment.
They should be flattered.
Well, I'm not flattered. I'm a vegan,
and it's, like, my whole personality.
Look, just because we see
this kind of behavior from politicians,
celebrities, media personalities,
athletes, professors, stand-up comedians,
Uber drivers, old-timey radio hosts,
everyone who gets massages,
my own interns
[TOD-209]
Commencing yikes protocol. Yikes.
But I was made to want to be eaten.
It's just biology, baby. Come on.
That's no excuse.
You need consent before doing that.
[man gagging, grunting]
[Dr. Braun grunts, growls]
Sorry, sorry. Me baby?
Me no know no better?
That's not an excuse either.
Sentient Meat, we are trying
to build a better world here.
That's why I made you.
But you need to be better.
I hear you, Farrah. I do.
And I want to be better.
So may I stuff some of me down you?
No. But that's progress.
And I do believe you'll end up
in someone's stomach someday.
Someone who does want to eat you.
I guess I'm just scared
I'll never find that person.
They're out there.
I know it. And they're starving.
[Sentient Meat sighing] Hmm.
Can you believe
this whole time I've been silent?
Thank you all for being here.
I see fox is here, and Wolf Blitzer.
Please, call me Kevin.
Yes, I tackle wolves.
For sexual reasons.
But it doesn't define me.
It feels like it might, chief.
Anyway, let's get started.
We all know this green psycho
has killed a ton of stuff.
I thought you invited me here
to show my new capris.
So it should be no surprise
that vegetables didn't kill Moosie.
- It was
- Me!
- What?
- I killed Moosie.
- Um, yeah, okay. It was Simon. Sure.
- [LaMarr exhales]
I knew we shouldn't have stopped to watch
that plastic bag blowing in the wind.
But it was so beautiful.
The important thing
is that it was not vegetables.
A cause I deeply believe in.
How did that guy kill a moose?
- With bow and arrow.
- [dramatic music plays]
[all laughing]
Oh my God, that's your lie?
Now they know this is all a cover-up!
We do?
- It's always the coverup that gets you.
- No. It was me. You were there, tell them.
We were there,
and we have no idea
what he's talking about.
Why would we lie
to the president of America?
We agreed in the meeting
we were gonna blame him.
But no, you had to tell
that insane lie so, what?
People would think you're good at archery?
Well, opposite!
And now everyone knows
the only possible explanation
is that vegetables did kill Moosie!
- He admitted it.
- Mulligan administration coverup exposed!
What beloved moose
was killed by government vegetables?
Find out after these messages!
[Vance] Were you or a loved one
injured during the alien attack?
You may be entitled to a hug from me!
[scoffs] Stupid vegetables.
Hey, Grimes, didn't you tell me
that you'll eat basically anything?
Yeah, I once ate a Lunchables pizza.
Well, open wide, girl.
Because Sentient M. is here.
- Okay, coming on a little strong.
- I'm gonna go ahead and pass.
- Wow, okay.
- No, I I know, it's weird for me too.
You just sorta want it too bad.
Hate to see her go, but love to imagine
being pooped out of her butt.
Okay. I'm done making things.
You worked closely with Moosie
before President Mulligan killed him.
What was Moosie like as a moose?
After his last performance,
Moosie said to me,
"Chuncey, you should have booked
Law & Order in 1999,
and then you'd have
Christopher Meloni's career."
Don't listen to him! I'm assuming he said
something about me killing Moosie?
Look, even if it was vegetables, which,
let's be honest, what else could it be?
It's not Matty's fault!
[indistinct chatter]
Yeah, 'cause, and this is the real truth,
I've never liked vegetables.
I'm totally against them
and always have been.
Oh, so now you're anti-vegetable?
Ha! Real brave.
Sure, next week you'll be telling us
to eat vegetables again.
Flip-flopper!
I'm wearing you to the beach.
No. I won't tell you
to eat vegetables ever again.
'Cause I'm gonna burn them all
to the ground.
[crowd clamoring]
Finally, a politician who lights things
he doesn't like on fire! Right?
[panting] Stop! Don't do it!
We need that food.
And I can prove it didn't kill Moosie.
I shall pierce yon target with mine
uh, arrow.
Well, this is preposterous.
The King and I
already told you what happened.
Believe us, you peasants!
[licks]
Breathe, archer.
Penetrate me once more, oh huntress.
[dramatic music playing]
[slurps, inhales]
[exhales]
Hachi machi.
[Simon grunts]
[crowd gasps]
- [crowd groaning]
- [Sentient Meat grunting]
No, Sentient Meat!
You're better than this.
[indistinct chatter]
Holy crap, it's Moosie!
[rock music plays]
[gasps] He's alive.
That happens sometimes.
They wake up in the trunk.
In England, we call the trunk the boot.
And good thing this one can't talk.
[both laugh]
[dramatic music playing]
Oh no, Moosie,
look out or put on a helmet!
[all gasp]
[Moosie groans]
[Sentient Meat whines]
- You've made Moosie's wife a widow!
- He never told me he was married.
Well, you got your wish, Simon.
This wasn't my wish.
It's It's that thing's fault!
He's right. I lost control.
And whatever happened to Moosie
is my fault. I take full responsibility.
And I know the perfect punishment.
- Death by being eaten. Eh?
- [crowd groans]
Play hard to get, man.
The pursuit is what's sexy.
Also Daniel Dae Kim.
I mean, I'm I'm straight,
but I'm not that straight.
Wait. So vegetables didn't kill Moosie,
but he did love them.
[somber music playing]
[Matty] Hmm.
[Matty grunts]
And even though I hate these things,
- I honor Moosie's life by
- [crunches]
Oh. Oh, wow. When they're fresh,
they're crunchy and taste like stuff.
Oh, I like this!
Okay, I like vegetables!
Forget everything
that happened up until now.
- [whimsical music playing]
- [indistinct chatter]
19-0. Go Pats.
That was fun, scaring everybody like that.
I just enjoyed our time together.
Oh, by the way gotcha!
[both laughing]
I like that we didn't learn a damn thing.
The doctors say I can't.
[LaMarr and Jeremy laughing]
- [gentle music playing]
- [birds chirping]
[Dr. Braun] You have to go, Sentient Meat.
You can't live in human society.
Zabbadoo?
No. Don't try
to do a cute catchphrase now.
Just go.
Because this world
is better than the old one.
You can't just do what you did to Simon
and expect to be able to go back
to doing stand-up or whatever.
You're banished.
Do you still think
I can find what I'm looking for?
- Don't care.
- It's a mouth and a butt.
- And not necessarily in that order.
- [TOD-209] Okay, TOD get it.
This experiment it okay to flamethrower.
Eepers jeepers!
Whoa! Whoa!
Oh, that was a close one. Whoa!
[TOD-209] Seriously?
Zabbadoo!
- [upbeat music playing]
- [Sentient Meat giggling]
Sentient Meat has a plan ♪
Yes, a big plan! ♪
To travel the country and see
All the mouths it can see! ♪
With a heart of meat
And everything's meat ♪
It wanders the USA ♪
It blazed a trail, a greasy trail
So it'll get ate one day ♪
What a pile, what a meat ♪
What a pile of meat
It's all you can eat ♪
That's right, it's Sentient Meat ♪
[Sentient Meat] Zabbadoo! ♪
[whimsical music playing]
[music ends]