My Mad Fat Diary (2012) s02e06 Episode Script
Not I
I've got a scan.
Will you come with me? Course.
Let's have some fun.
Take your clothes off.
Neither of us are oil paintings, are we? Can I come in? No, Rae, you can't just come round whenever you want.
Come on, Chloe, we've got to go.
Go where? I'm not coming.
Fine.
Why aren't you singing at the concert? I'm just standing in until Chloe gets back.
That is, if Chloe bothers turning up.
It's been seven hours and fifteen days Since you took your love away Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah I go out every night and sleep all day Since you took your love away Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah Since you've been gone I can do whatever I want I can see whomever I choose Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant But nothing, I said nothing can take away these blues Cos nothing compares to you.
Whoo! Seriously, Rae, that was class.
Why can't you do the actual performance on Friday? I think I'd literally rather stick a jellyfish in my kecks than sing in front of an audience.
Anyway, I can't take Chloe's part.
Chloe's insisting on the lead vocal and she won't even turn up.
She's a bitch.
She's a total bitch.
Everybody says it, not just me.
Leave her alone.
Maybe she's got stuff going on.
Right, Rae? Dunno, Iz.
Why isn't she here? OK, gang? Erm, I just got a call saying that Chloe isn't going to be able to make it for the performance.
You're going to have to find a replacement for her.
No.
'Dear diary, this was worse 'than being repeatedly stung on the vagina by a jellyfish.
'I was not doing that performance, not in front of that many people.
'No way, no how.
'Chloe has no consideration for others, including me.
'The performing arts group were right.
She is a bitch.
' She's missing? W Well, how long has she been gone? Two days.
She left a note.
Please don't lose any sleep over it, Rae.
She does this all the time.
I called the police the first time.
She strolled in through the front door a few hours later as if nothing had happened.
She's not responsible like you, Rae.
OK, erm Chloe's got some of the posters that we need for the concert.
Is it all right if I just? Yeah, course.
You know where her room is.
'Her dad was spot-on, this was typical of Chloe.
'She was off doing God knows what God knows where 'while the rest of us were left to pick up the pieces.
' ' "Dear diary" 'Oh, my God, Chloe kept a diary?! 'I'm not the sort of sneaky two-faced cow who would actually read it.
I am better than that! 'I am better than that' 'Friday the 5th of July 1996.
It's here, finally it's here, 'the last day of school.
'No more stupid uniform, no more homework.
'And I had one final assignment.
' Hiya, sir.
Hi, Chloe.
All the girls have been talking about you.
They want to know what your name is.
Ah, it's Mr Carrisford.
Yeah, well, we know that.
What's your first name? It's top secret.
So, are we going to get a chance to catch up now that school's over? What do you mean? Well, technically I'm not a student here any more.
So we could meet up have a chat.
One piece of advice for the future.
Don't make promises you can't keep.
I don't break promises.
Chloe? It's Stephen.
See you later, Ste.
Found what you're looking for, love? I guess I'll just head off, then.
'I don't know what was more surprising, 'the fact that Chloe kept a diary or the fact that I was now stealing it.
' Everyone, this is Chloe.
Hiya.
She's the girl I met at dance.
Hiya.
'Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where do I come in? 'Ah, here we go.
' Everyone, this is Rae.
OK, she's amazing, she's funny, she's pretty.
She can proper dance.
And she could probably drink all of you boys under the table.
Bollocks.
Ooh, sounds like a challenge.
Right, I'll get the shots in.
OK.
That's not what happened! That is total bollocks.
She never said all that stuff about me! She's warped it to make herself feel good.
Everyone, this is Rae.
Y'all right? Hiya! All right? Want a drink? Cos Chop can get served.
Er, no, it's all right.
I don't drink.
'See? I didn't even bloody drink back then.
'This is total, undiluted, grade-A shit.
' Oh, my God, guess who I seen today.
"Saw".
Who? Rae Earl.
She's back from France.
Mm.
What? Jacob Radcliffe's dad says she's been ill.
Mentally ill.
It's no wonder, with a mother like that, though, is it? So, what do you mean? She's not been in France? I don't know where she's been.
But I do know that she's had a breakdown, though.
I once heard her mother tell Dr Entwistle to go and eff himself.
You should stay away from them both, Chloe.
The whole family.
They're programmed differently.
There you go.
Is there nothing from the fry-up? No, there isn't.
Dad's got loads.
Oh, men have bigger appetites than women, Chloe, and big appetites need feeding.
I didn't think you'd come.
Thought you'd bottle it.
Yeah, well, I'm not a bottler.
'Hi, this is Stephen.
Leave a message, I'll hit you back.
' Come on, pick up! 'Hi, this is Stephen.
Leave a message, I'll hit you back.
' Pick up! 'Hi, this is Stephen.
Leave a message, I'll hit you back.
' Come on! Hiya.
It's me.
I I know you told me not to call, but can you ring me back, please? We just really need to talk.
Are you feeling all right? A bit better.
Listen, Chloe .
.
I wasn't in France this year.
Where were you? I've been ill.
I did something stupid.
I hurt myself.
Why would you do that? I will tell you.
I just need time.
Is that OK? Of course it is.
I've got it! Hello? Yeah, well, then What time? Right.
Bye.
Stephen.
He wants me to go over.
But I'm not leaving you on your own.
No.
Hey, don't be silly.
You should go and talk to him.
You sure? Yeah.
I didn't say you could leave, Chloe.
You just bloody left.
Ohhh! That's not how it happened.
'That's not how it happened.
I don't 'Well, I don't remember it like that.
' OK, we've got to pretend it's 7.
30, yeah? 'Not only had she been lying about what happened in her diary, 'Chloe still hadn't bloody shown up!' Rae.
Rae, are you OK? No! No, I'm not.
Mrs Coombes says that if I don't do this performance, I'm not going to get a mark, and I'm going to fail.
I'm on a final warning as it is.
I've got something that might help.
Just take it to the show.
We'll all bringing our parents.
I think you'll feel much better about it if you've got someone there supporting you.
Izzy.
'Maybe Izzy was right.
'If I had someone there to support me, 'maybe I could get through it.
' 'Hang on.
' 'What the fuck?! 'Don't do it.
'You don't need this in your life right now.
' .
.
what do you call it then? And he went, "Blackpool Eiffer.
" Eiffel! I'm not talking about that kind of tower, love! Simon! What is Simon like?! 'I really am crap at jokes.
'Rae's always cracking jokes.
'Some stuff I don't really get.
I'm not stupid - 'I'm just not programmed like that.
'I need to practise.
' Yeah, but let's be honest, Rae, when was the last time you seen a tower? Seriously?! You look down.
Oh, I'm all right.
You know what I do when I'm down? I pick up the beer mat of happiness.
It used to be the beer mat of joy, but there was another beer mat somewhere else called that, and then there was this bit, big court case about it, and it got really complicated, and then Anyway, just for today .
.
I'm going to give you the beer mat of happiness.
Yeah? I can't.
It's too much for me to handle, it's too happy.
Here you are.
There you go.
But I want that back, right? It's just a loan, yeah? OK.
OK? OK! 'I like Finn.
He's so different from Steven.
'Finn makes me feel like you do when you put on a new dress.
'You know, when you get that zing feeling or whatever.
'He makes me feel like a good person.
' Love from X.
Go on! 'Rae so clearly fancies Finn, too - but I liked him first! 'You know? I've liked him since I've known him, 'and I've known him longer.
'Needed to mark the territory.
'I needed to make it clear Finn was mine to go for.
' Oh, what does she think Finn is, a fuckin' lamppost? Can I tell you something, Rae? It was me who sent the letter to Finn.
The more time I spend with him, I realise how much I like him.
I really like him.
Do you like anyone at the minute? Not really.
'I hate it when Rae lies to me.
'We're supposed to be best friends.
' Oh, piss off! 'She can be so self-centred sometimes.
' Oh, piss right off! 'Self-centred? Me? Oh, let's look it up, shall we? 'Ha! in your face, Chloe!' So, there's this singing event thing at college on Friday.
It's an assessed piece for performing arts.
I'm singing a solo, and Well, I've I've got some spare tickets if you want to come.
Mum.
What? Well, do you want to come to the concert? No.
I'm sorry I missed the scan.
I went on my own.
I sat in that hospital on my own, feeling rotten, not sure what was going on inside me, and you couldn't even be bothered to show your face, and you're asking me for support! Mum, I've got to sing in front of the whole college! You're not listening, are you? Just thinking about yourself, just like you always do.
You're only sorry because you feel guilty, cos you're being self-centred.
I'm not self-centred.
I never said you WERE self-centred, I said you were BEING self-centred.
I'M NOT SELF-CENTRED! I'm sorry if you're angry about the other night.
But I just wanted to explain that I also have stuff going on, you know, I had a visitor.
That woman? Yes, that woman.
Let's just say I don't I don't want to mess things up.
You know that feeling.
I just wanted to tell you it from my point of view.
You know.
Because I only ever think of myself? Because I'm self-centred, right? That's not what I'm saying.
I needed you.
You gave me your number and you said to ring when I wanted.
I didn't say that, I said you could ring if y-you were feeling you were going to do something stupid, or if you felt like you were going to hurt yourself again? How do you know that I wasn't? Were you? Well you're the expert at seeing things from other people's points of view.
I want to, er I want to set up good boundaries between us.
Because I care about you, and I need to be sure that I'm doing the best job possible for you.
Sometimes that means putting a bit of space between us.
Me and Liam fooled around the other night.
When when did when did that happen? Couple of nights ago.
Mm-hmm.
What was that like? It was horrible.
He told me to keep my top on, because he said we're not exactly oil paintings.
And how did that make you feel? Good.
Because it confirmed everything that I feel about myself.
I told you, I specifically said that you were to be careful around Liam.
I mean, it's not good for you and he it's not good that any two people involved in therapy to get involved.
Yeah, well maybe not everyone's as good as boundaries as you are.
'It was the first time I'd ever been nervous about anything.
'Now, if I could kiss him, 'if I could make him see how much I loved him, how much I wanted him 'Do it.
Just go and do it.
' You are an amazing kisser.
Did you like that did you? Best, ever.
Ever! 'Oh, my God! 'Finn was banging to me.
Best night EVER.
' OK, so so I'm gonna go.
OK.
'It's awkward now, but it won't be after a few days of going out.
'Maybe I should just hold his hand, make things seem less weird.
' Look, Collett.
I'm sorry about last night.
What do you mean? I was drunk.
So what, everyone was drunk.
Yeah, I know, but You should never really kiss someone unless you really mean it, right? Especially not your friends.
I'm sorry.
I fucked up.
No, it's all right, it was It was only a kiss.
It didn't mean anything.
Suppose.
It's not like we did it.
I felt bad.
Don't! Don't.
Well I'm gonna go and get a shower.
And I'm going to get myself a shift load of peppermint tea.
I'll See you later, yeah? Yeah, see you later.
'This is what you're angry about?' Wouldn't you be angry if your best mate said you didn't deserve someone? Oi! What are you laughing at? Chloe What? I didn't mean it.
You're welcome to him, I guess.
Am I a bitch, Rae? Everyone can be a bitch.
Yeah, but it's like some more than others, isn't it? Chloe? You're not a bitch.
All right then, I'm not.
'Maybe Rae didn't mean it? 'But what if she was right? 'What if I didn't deserve someone like Finn? 'What if I didn't deserve someone good.
'Rae's a beautiful person, not bitchy and broken like me.
' You're not a bitch.
Anxiety often feels like something that's overwhelming cos it's big and grey, like a dark cloud.
So, it's really important when you're feeling that way that you try and narrow down exactly what it is that you're worried about.
And that way Sorry.
So, em So, has anyone? Anyone got anything that they're worried about at the moment? I'm going home next week.
Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
And I'm worried about being too excited.
And having too much fun.
Great, great.
Em, anyone else? I've got a concert at college.
I don't know if I can do it or not.
OK, great.
Has anyone got any advice for Rae? You could imagine the audience naked.
All right, Liam, that's great, thank you.
Like imagine all their bits flapping around.
You know, flesh Look, Liam, anyone else? Anybody? .
.
people say it helps but on second thoughts, do you really want to imagine all the teachers with their kits off? All right, Liam, we've got that, I think.
And I mean Liam! .
.
because your anxiety may disappear cos you might end up being sick everywhere.
Will you shut your mouth, please?! Do you have to be so disruptive?! Do you?! People come here to try to learn to cope and all you do is undermine it! Stop.
Fuck him and fuck this place! Nobody talks to me like that, it's bullshit! I'm not coming here any more, I'm done with therapy.
Liam, you don't mean that.
Yeah, I do.
It doesn't work.
Behaviour is habitual, it's like a path you walk over and over again.
A divot, a furrow, you follow that path and you don't think about it.
Yep, I know what habitual means, Liam.
In therapy, we learn why our paths in our heads are formed the way they are, why we're "fucked up" and whenever we go out into the real world, it's a problem because we still walk down the same path and we still make the same choices because people can't change.
People can change.
Yeah? That's what Kester wants you to think.
Because me and you, Rae, we are always going to be fuck-ups.
We are.
But there's nothing wrong with that.
And maybe .
.
maybe we could be fuck-ups together.
What do you mean? I know that I said I didn't want to go out with you.
The more time I spend with you, the more I realise that we were made for each other.
Just think about it.
Yeah? 'Imagine them naked.
Naked, naked.
' 'Nearly.
Come on, imagine them naked.
'Imagine their bits just flapping around.
Imagine the humanity of it.
' Wake up, Rae.
'Just leave it.
'It's going to mess you up and it's going to make you anxious 'and you don't need that in your life at the moment.
' 'Dear Diary, it's a good thing that Finn and Rae are so happy together.
'I should be happy for them, right? That means I have to move on.
' World War II didn't even start when Hitler invaded Poland.
It started when Japan invaded China.
Isn't that crazy? Yeah, I don't know.
I was crap at history, really.
I'm crap at anything like that.
You're not crap at anything.
Garvey said, "If you have no confidence in self, "you're twice defeated in life.
" Good old Garvey.
Yeah.
I, eh Good night, Chlo.
Izzy, I don't believe it.
That's the second girl I've seen wearing this outfit.
Yeah, well, maybe hers is more of like a pinky-blue whereas yours is more like purple-y.
Izzy, it's the exact same colour.
Right, my first day at college is ruined.
It couldn't get any worse.
'I had to find a way to stand out.
'Boys won't realise how cool you are if they don't know you exist.
'But how do you get them to notice you?' Are you sure? Yeah, I've not got much of an appetite.
Here you go.
Cheers.
It's all right.
Thanks for coming, Rae, I just Well, I just wanted to talk to you about something.
God, my life sucks.
I don't even know why I call it a life.
Calling it a life is like a breach of the Trade Descriptions Act.
Well, I'm thinking of doing something a bit, em well, a bit crazy.
And I wanted to talk to you about it So what? I missed a few days of college.
That's not a big deal, is it? The way my mum reacted, you'd think I'd been caught selling crack.
God, she is a pain in the arse.
Oh! I'm sorry, Chloe.
Sorry, what were you saying? Nothing.
Nothing.
'How many moments did I miss like that?' 'How many times had I let Chloe down when she needed some support? 'Needed a friend?' Oh, my God, Rae.
Hiya.
What are you doing here? Are you going somewhere? Yeah, we're off to Portugal.
We saw a deal last night on teletext and we thought, "Bollocks to it, let's go!" We? Eh, yeah, I'm sorry, I never introduced you.
This is Jude, my partner.
Hello.
Em, well, what about tea tomorrow night? I thought I was supposed to come round on Saturdays.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
What's going on? Oh, don't worry, darling, you get in the cab.
Why don't we meet up when I get back? Huh? Can't wait.
I mean it.
OK? 'Maybe I didn't deserve anyone's support.
'Maybe being a letdown ran in the family.
' 'And it wasn't just that I hadn't been there for her.
' I'm just worried about her.
I know.
Why didn't she set the alarm off? I'm scared if she gets sick again, Archie, we can't let that happen.
I won't let that happen.
'It was that she had been there for me.
' 'Whenever I'd been at my lowest ebb, she'd been there for me.
' 'And it wasn't just reading a diary that made me realise it.
I knew it.
'Because now, when I really needed her, she was gone.
' 'Dear Diary, how long does Finn have to be single before I can 'ask him out?' Finn.
All right.
Hi.
You OK? Yeah.
Look, I've got to run but I'll see you later at the pub maybe, yeah? Yeah.
See you in a bit.
Bye.
'Maybe I should accept that guys like Finn don't go out with 'girls like me.
'They want someone interesting, someone funny and clever.
'I'm not good at any of that.
' Got a light? I don't smoke.
Want a beer? What makes you think I drink? You don't smoke, you don't drink.
What do you do? 'I am good at some things, though.
' I don't want to kiss you.
Yeah, but my kiss is not on the mouth.
You wish! Oi, just a kiss! I know.
All right, let's do this! The concert was in a few hours and I had to rehearse, I had to concentrate! There were only a few pages left to bring us to the present day.
It was like moving slowly past a crumpled heap on the motorway I couldn't look away.
I know you're not the type of girl who likes to stop at a kiss.
Maybe not, I had you down as the type of man who's a bit of a bottler.
What do you mean? All mouth, no trousers.
I'm not a fucking bottler! Well, prove it.
How much could I have helped her if only I'd been a better friend? How much would be different? Come on, Chloe, we're going.
Going where? I'm not going anywhere.
Saul just tried it on with me in the toilet it was horrible! I could barely get away, we're going home.
Well, I'm fine, Rae, if you want to go, that's fine.
Whatever, Chlo.
Your friend shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth! What do you mean? Doubt she's got loads of people wanting to fuck her, she should take whatever comes along.
Get me a slice of pizza.
Rae isn't around much at the moment because she's got Liam.
So, there's no-one I can really talk to.
Well, there is one person I can go to.
One person who makes me feel safe and makes me feel good.
Oi, what's up, stud? Not much.
I broke up with Olivia.
Well, are you all right? Yeah.
Oh, my God! He's single again.
You have to tell him how you feel.
Look what happened last time tell him tell him.
Oh, God! Chloe, can I ask you something? Yeah.
How do you get over someone? How do you move on? Well, what do you mean? I broke up with her because .
.
I can't stop thinking about Rae.
Erm I don't know how you get over someone.
I'm crap at advice.
I'm crap at anything like that, really.
Maybe you never do.
Come on, let's go to the fucking pub! Take me chips with me.
Oh, shit! Ian, have you seen my purse? Ian, have you seen my purse? No.
Well, I need it because I'm going now.
Shut the fuck up, Chloe.
Ian, don't talk to me like that! Have you saw it? I said, shut the fuck up! And it's seen, stupid slag.
Come on! I'm paused here, who the fuck paused it? Do you know what, Ian? Go and find someone else to be horrible to because I'm leaving.
You'll be back.
No, I won't! Right, you don't deserve me and I deserve better.
You will be back because if I have to come and find you, I'll be very annoyed.
She's a rich girl Ooh-ah, ooh-ah Don't try to hide it Ooh-ah, ooh-ah Diamonds on the soles of her shoes Great! He's a poor boy Ooh-ah, ooh-ah Empty as a pocket, empty as a pocket With nothing to lose, sing to-na-na To-na-na To-na-na-na-na She's diamonds on the soles of her shoes To-na-na To-na-na To-na-na-na-na She's got diamonds on the soles of her shoes.
Well done! Are you happy? Yeah.
Yeah.
Greg? Happy.
Izz? Yeah.
Do you like the arrangement? I think I've got it? Yeah, what is it then? To-na-na, to-na-na-na-na Sorry I'm late.
Where have you been? Oh just just had a bug.
What's up? Nothing.
What's the matter with you? What's the matter with me? You let me down at the party.
Look, Rae You just left me stranded! I was in trouble and you did nothing! Rae, I'm really sorry, I didn't realise, I was drunk.
Can we please meet up and talk later cos there's something I'm You're supposed to be my best mate, Chloe, and you don't give a shit! Will you just listen to what I'm trying to say! I'm not your mum! I can't look after you all the time.
Stay away from me.
Rae, please! No, no No, no, no.
.
.
no, no, no! The concert was in an hour but my heart was too broken to feel afraid any more.
I was too far gone.
No cuts or burns or pinches on my body had ever gone this deep.
Because of me, because of my actions, my selfishness, Chloe was gone! Everyone, this is Rae.
She's amazing, she's funny.
So, are we going to get a chance to catch up? Have you not been in France? I don't know where she's been.
I don't break promises.
I do know she's had a breakdown though.
I did something stupid.
Stay away from them both, the whole family, they're programmed differently.
I'm not leaving you on our own.
Rae so clearly fancies Finn too but I liked him first! We just really need to talk, Rae.
It was only a kiss.
What if I didn't deserve someone good.
Rae's a beautiful person.
I'm not a fucking bottler.
I'm not bitching, I'm broken.
I'm scared if she gets sick again, I can't let that happen.
You're supposed to be my best mate, Chloe, and you don't give a shit! You don't care about anyone but yourself! I'm not your mum! It's been seven hours and 15 days Since you took your love away Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah I go out every night and sleep all day Since you took your love away Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah I went to the doctor and guess what he told me? I could put my arms around every boy I see Nine months in therapy.
Nine months, going back to the same point.
Nine months of, "You need to like yourself more, Rae.
" Well, the truth is, now I've seen things the way they are.
I've never liked myself any less than I do right now.
Because, guess what? I am a bitch! There was only one last page to read.
But I already knew exactly how this story ended.
I left a message for Chloe's parents, telling them where I thought she might have gone, where I knew she was.
Dear diary, I'm crap at most things but one thing I'm not crap at men.
I understand their appetites.
I know what they need feeding.
Like Liam says, you can't change your behaviour.
We walk the same old paths, the same old divots, the same old furrows and my paths are concreted over, my furrows are as deep as Grand Canyon's and a girl like me, well, she's got to take whatever she can get! What can I say I'm surprised and delighted to see you this evening.
I just think You sure you want to do this? Don't talk.
What are you doing? I'm turning the light off.
We're not exactly oil paintings, are we?
Will you come with me? Course.
Let's have some fun.
Take your clothes off.
Neither of us are oil paintings, are we? Can I come in? No, Rae, you can't just come round whenever you want.
Come on, Chloe, we've got to go.
Go where? I'm not coming.
Fine.
Why aren't you singing at the concert? I'm just standing in until Chloe gets back.
That is, if Chloe bothers turning up.
It's been seven hours and fifteen days Since you took your love away Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah I go out every night and sleep all day Since you took your love away Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah Since you've been gone I can do whatever I want I can see whomever I choose Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant But nothing, I said nothing can take away these blues Cos nothing compares to you.
Whoo! Seriously, Rae, that was class.
Why can't you do the actual performance on Friday? I think I'd literally rather stick a jellyfish in my kecks than sing in front of an audience.
Anyway, I can't take Chloe's part.
Chloe's insisting on the lead vocal and she won't even turn up.
She's a bitch.
She's a total bitch.
Everybody says it, not just me.
Leave her alone.
Maybe she's got stuff going on.
Right, Rae? Dunno, Iz.
Why isn't she here? OK, gang? Erm, I just got a call saying that Chloe isn't going to be able to make it for the performance.
You're going to have to find a replacement for her.
No.
'Dear diary, this was worse 'than being repeatedly stung on the vagina by a jellyfish.
'I was not doing that performance, not in front of that many people.
'No way, no how.
'Chloe has no consideration for others, including me.
'The performing arts group were right.
She is a bitch.
' She's missing? W Well, how long has she been gone? Two days.
She left a note.
Please don't lose any sleep over it, Rae.
She does this all the time.
I called the police the first time.
She strolled in through the front door a few hours later as if nothing had happened.
She's not responsible like you, Rae.
OK, erm Chloe's got some of the posters that we need for the concert.
Is it all right if I just? Yeah, course.
You know where her room is.
'Her dad was spot-on, this was typical of Chloe.
'She was off doing God knows what God knows where 'while the rest of us were left to pick up the pieces.
' ' "Dear diary" 'Oh, my God, Chloe kept a diary?! 'I'm not the sort of sneaky two-faced cow who would actually read it.
I am better than that! 'I am better than that' 'Friday the 5th of July 1996.
It's here, finally it's here, 'the last day of school.
'No more stupid uniform, no more homework.
'And I had one final assignment.
' Hiya, sir.
Hi, Chloe.
All the girls have been talking about you.
They want to know what your name is.
Ah, it's Mr Carrisford.
Yeah, well, we know that.
What's your first name? It's top secret.
So, are we going to get a chance to catch up now that school's over? What do you mean? Well, technically I'm not a student here any more.
So we could meet up have a chat.
One piece of advice for the future.
Don't make promises you can't keep.
I don't break promises.
Chloe? It's Stephen.
See you later, Ste.
Found what you're looking for, love? I guess I'll just head off, then.
'I don't know what was more surprising, 'the fact that Chloe kept a diary or the fact that I was now stealing it.
' Everyone, this is Chloe.
Hiya.
She's the girl I met at dance.
Hiya.
'Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where do I come in? 'Ah, here we go.
' Everyone, this is Rae.
OK, she's amazing, she's funny, she's pretty.
She can proper dance.
And she could probably drink all of you boys under the table.
Bollocks.
Ooh, sounds like a challenge.
Right, I'll get the shots in.
OK.
That's not what happened! That is total bollocks.
She never said all that stuff about me! She's warped it to make herself feel good.
Everyone, this is Rae.
Y'all right? Hiya! All right? Want a drink? Cos Chop can get served.
Er, no, it's all right.
I don't drink.
'See? I didn't even bloody drink back then.
'This is total, undiluted, grade-A shit.
' Oh, my God, guess who I seen today.
"Saw".
Who? Rae Earl.
She's back from France.
Mm.
What? Jacob Radcliffe's dad says she's been ill.
Mentally ill.
It's no wonder, with a mother like that, though, is it? So, what do you mean? She's not been in France? I don't know where she's been.
But I do know that she's had a breakdown, though.
I once heard her mother tell Dr Entwistle to go and eff himself.
You should stay away from them both, Chloe.
The whole family.
They're programmed differently.
There you go.
Is there nothing from the fry-up? No, there isn't.
Dad's got loads.
Oh, men have bigger appetites than women, Chloe, and big appetites need feeding.
I didn't think you'd come.
Thought you'd bottle it.
Yeah, well, I'm not a bottler.
'Hi, this is Stephen.
Leave a message, I'll hit you back.
' Come on, pick up! 'Hi, this is Stephen.
Leave a message, I'll hit you back.
' Pick up! 'Hi, this is Stephen.
Leave a message, I'll hit you back.
' Come on! Hiya.
It's me.
I I know you told me not to call, but can you ring me back, please? We just really need to talk.
Are you feeling all right? A bit better.
Listen, Chloe .
.
I wasn't in France this year.
Where were you? I've been ill.
I did something stupid.
I hurt myself.
Why would you do that? I will tell you.
I just need time.
Is that OK? Of course it is.
I've got it! Hello? Yeah, well, then What time? Right.
Bye.
Stephen.
He wants me to go over.
But I'm not leaving you on your own.
No.
Hey, don't be silly.
You should go and talk to him.
You sure? Yeah.
I didn't say you could leave, Chloe.
You just bloody left.
Ohhh! That's not how it happened.
'That's not how it happened.
I don't 'Well, I don't remember it like that.
' OK, we've got to pretend it's 7.
30, yeah? 'Not only had she been lying about what happened in her diary, 'Chloe still hadn't bloody shown up!' Rae.
Rae, are you OK? No! No, I'm not.
Mrs Coombes says that if I don't do this performance, I'm not going to get a mark, and I'm going to fail.
I'm on a final warning as it is.
I've got something that might help.
Just take it to the show.
We'll all bringing our parents.
I think you'll feel much better about it if you've got someone there supporting you.
Izzy.
'Maybe Izzy was right.
'If I had someone there to support me, 'maybe I could get through it.
' 'Hang on.
' 'What the fuck?! 'Don't do it.
'You don't need this in your life right now.
' .
.
what do you call it then? And he went, "Blackpool Eiffer.
" Eiffel! I'm not talking about that kind of tower, love! Simon! What is Simon like?! 'I really am crap at jokes.
'Rae's always cracking jokes.
'Some stuff I don't really get.
I'm not stupid - 'I'm just not programmed like that.
'I need to practise.
' Yeah, but let's be honest, Rae, when was the last time you seen a tower? Seriously?! You look down.
Oh, I'm all right.
You know what I do when I'm down? I pick up the beer mat of happiness.
It used to be the beer mat of joy, but there was another beer mat somewhere else called that, and then there was this bit, big court case about it, and it got really complicated, and then Anyway, just for today .
.
I'm going to give you the beer mat of happiness.
Yeah? I can't.
It's too much for me to handle, it's too happy.
Here you are.
There you go.
But I want that back, right? It's just a loan, yeah? OK.
OK? OK! 'I like Finn.
He's so different from Steven.
'Finn makes me feel like you do when you put on a new dress.
'You know, when you get that zing feeling or whatever.
'He makes me feel like a good person.
' Love from X.
Go on! 'Rae so clearly fancies Finn, too - but I liked him first! 'You know? I've liked him since I've known him, 'and I've known him longer.
'Needed to mark the territory.
'I needed to make it clear Finn was mine to go for.
' Oh, what does she think Finn is, a fuckin' lamppost? Can I tell you something, Rae? It was me who sent the letter to Finn.
The more time I spend with him, I realise how much I like him.
I really like him.
Do you like anyone at the minute? Not really.
'I hate it when Rae lies to me.
'We're supposed to be best friends.
' Oh, piss off! 'She can be so self-centred sometimes.
' Oh, piss right off! 'Self-centred? Me? Oh, let's look it up, shall we? 'Ha! in your face, Chloe!' So, there's this singing event thing at college on Friday.
It's an assessed piece for performing arts.
I'm singing a solo, and Well, I've I've got some spare tickets if you want to come.
Mum.
What? Well, do you want to come to the concert? No.
I'm sorry I missed the scan.
I went on my own.
I sat in that hospital on my own, feeling rotten, not sure what was going on inside me, and you couldn't even be bothered to show your face, and you're asking me for support! Mum, I've got to sing in front of the whole college! You're not listening, are you? Just thinking about yourself, just like you always do.
You're only sorry because you feel guilty, cos you're being self-centred.
I'm not self-centred.
I never said you WERE self-centred, I said you were BEING self-centred.
I'M NOT SELF-CENTRED! I'm sorry if you're angry about the other night.
But I just wanted to explain that I also have stuff going on, you know, I had a visitor.
That woman? Yes, that woman.
Let's just say I don't I don't want to mess things up.
You know that feeling.
I just wanted to tell you it from my point of view.
You know.
Because I only ever think of myself? Because I'm self-centred, right? That's not what I'm saying.
I needed you.
You gave me your number and you said to ring when I wanted.
I didn't say that, I said you could ring if y-you were feeling you were going to do something stupid, or if you felt like you were going to hurt yourself again? How do you know that I wasn't? Were you? Well you're the expert at seeing things from other people's points of view.
I want to, er I want to set up good boundaries between us.
Because I care about you, and I need to be sure that I'm doing the best job possible for you.
Sometimes that means putting a bit of space between us.
Me and Liam fooled around the other night.
When when did when did that happen? Couple of nights ago.
Mm-hmm.
What was that like? It was horrible.
He told me to keep my top on, because he said we're not exactly oil paintings.
And how did that make you feel? Good.
Because it confirmed everything that I feel about myself.
I told you, I specifically said that you were to be careful around Liam.
I mean, it's not good for you and he it's not good that any two people involved in therapy to get involved.
Yeah, well maybe not everyone's as good as boundaries as you are.
'It was the first time I'd ever been nervous about anything.
'Now, if I could kiss him, 'if I could make him see how much I loved him, how much I wanted him 'Do it.
Just go and do it.
' You are an amazing kisser.
Did you like that did you? Best, ever.
Ever! 'Oh, my God! 'Finn was banging to me.
Best night EVER.
' OK, so so I'm gonna go.
OK.
'It's awkward now, but it won't be after a few days of going out.
'Maybe I should just hold his hand, make things seem less weird.
' Look, Collett.
I'm sorry about last night.
What do you mean? I was drunk.
So what, everyone was drunk.
Yeah, I know, but You should never really kiss someone unless you really mean it, right? Especially not your friends.
I'm sorry.
I fucked up.
No, it's all right, it was It was only a kiss.
It didn't mean anything.
Suppose.
It's not like we did it.
I felt bad.
Don't! Don't.
Well I'm gonna go and get a shower.
And I'm going to get myself a shift load of peppermint tea.
I'll See you later, yeah? Yeah, see you later.
'This is what you're angry about?' Wouldn't you be angry if your best mate said you didn't deserve someone? Oi! What are you laughing at? Chloe What? I didn't mean it.
You're welcome to him, I guess.
Am I a bitch, Rae? Everyone can be a bitch.
Yeah, but it's like some more than others, isn't it? Chloe? You're not a bitch.
All right then, I'm not.
'Maybe Rae didn't mean it? 'But what if she was right? 'What if I didn't deserve someone like Finn? 'What if I didn't deserve someone good.
'Rae's a beautiful person, not bitchy and broken like me.
' You're not a bitch.
Anxiety often feels like something that's overwhelming cos it's big and grey, like a dark cloud.
So, it's really important when you're feeling that way that you try and narrow down exactly what it is that you're worried about.
And that way Sorry.
So, em So, has anyone? Anyone got anything that they're worried about at the moment? I'm going home next week.
Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
And I'm worried about being too excited.
And having too much fun.
Great, great.
Em, anyone else? I've got a concert at college.
I don't know if I can do it or not.
OK, great.
Has anyone got any advice for Rae? You could imagine the audience naked.
All right, Liam, that's great, thank you.
Like imagine all their bits flapping around.
You know, flesh Look, Liam, anyone else? Anybody? .
.
people say it helps but on second thoughts, do you really want to imagine all the teachers with their kits off? All right, Liam, we've got that, I think.
And I mean Liam! .
.
because your anxiety may disappear cos you might end up being sick everywhere.
Will you shut your mouth, please?! Do you have to be so disruptive?! Do you?! People come here to try to learn to cope and all you do is undermine it! Stop.
Fuck him and fuck this place! Nobody talks to me like that, it's bullshit! I'm not coming here any more, I'm done with therapy.
Liam, you don't mean that.
Yeah, I do.
It doesn't work.
Behaviour is habitual, it's like a path you walk over and over again.
A divot, a furrow, you follow that path and you don't think about it.
Yep, I know what habitual means, Liam.
In therapy, we learn why our paths in our heads are formed the way they are, why we're "fucked up" and whenever we go out into the real world, it's a problem because we still walk down the same path and we still make the same choices because people can't change.
People can change.
Yeah? That's what Kester wants you to think.
Because me and you, Rae, we are always going to be fuck-ups.
We are.
But there's nothing wrong with that.
And maybe .
.
maybe we could be fuck-ups together.
What do you mean? I know that I said I didn't want to go out with you.
The more time I spend with you, the more I realise that we were made for each other.
Just think about it.
Yeah? 'Imagine them naked.
Naked, naked.
' 'Nearly.
Come on, imagine them naked.
'Imagine their bits just flapping around.
Imagine the humanity of it.
' Wake up, Rae.
'Just leave it.
'It's going to mess you up and it's going to make you anxious 'and you don't need that in your life at the moment.
' 'Dear Diary, it's a good thing that Finn and Rae are so happy together.
'I should be happy for them, right? That means I have to move on.
' World War II didn't even start when Hitler invaded Poland.
It started when Japan invaded China.
Isn't that crazy? Yeah, I don't know.
I was crap at history, really.
I'm crap at anything like that.
You're not crap at anything.
Garvey said, "If you have no confidence in self, "you're twice defeated in life.
" Good old Garvey.
Yeah.
I, eh Good night, Chlo.
Izzy, I don't believe it.
That's the second girl I've seen wearing this outfit.
Yeah, well, maybe hers is more of like a pinky-blue whereas yours is more like purple-y.
Izzy, it's the exact same colour.
Right, my first day at college is ruined.
It couldn't get any worse.
'I had to find a way to stand out.
'Boys won't realise how cool you are if they don't know you exist.
'But how do you get them to notice you?' Are you sure? Yeah, I've not got much of an appetite.
Here you go.
Cheers.
It's all right.
Thanks for coming, Rae, I just Well, I just wanted to talk to you about something.
God, my life sucks.
I don't even know why I call it a life.
Calling it a life is like a breach of the Trade Descriptions Act.
Well, I'm thinking of doing something a bit, em well, a bit crazy.
And I wanted to talk to you about it So what? I missed a few days of college.
That's not a big deal, is it? The way my mum reacted, you'd think I'd been caught selling crack.
God, she is a pain in the arse.
Oh! I'm sorry, Chloe.
Sorry, what were you saying? Nothing.
Nothing.
'How many moments did I miss like that?' 'How many times had I let Chloe down when she needed some support? 'Needed a friend?' Oh, my God, Rae.
Hiya.
What are you doing here? Are you going somewhere? Yeah, we're off to Portugal.
We saw a deal last night on teletext and we thought, "Bollocks to it, let's go!" We? Eh, yeah, I'm sorry, I never introduced you.
This is Jude, my partner.
Hello.
Em, well, what about tea tomorrow night? I thought I was supposed to come round on Saturdays.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
What's going on? Oh, don't worry, darling, you get in the cab.
Why don't we meet up when I get back? Huh? Can't wait.
I mean it.
OK? 'Maybe I didn't deserve anyone's support.
'Maybe being a letdown ran in the family.
' 'And it wasn't just that I hadn't been there for her.
' I'm just worried about her.
I know.
Why didn't she set the alarm off? I'm scared if she gets sick again, Archie, we can't let that happen.
I won't let that happen.
'It was that she had been there for me.
' 'Whenever I'd been at my lowest ebb, she'd been there for me.
' 'And it wasn't just reading a diary that made me realise it.
I knew it.
'Because now, when I really needed her, she was gone.
' 'Dear Diary, how long does Finn have to be single before I can 'ask him out?' Finn.
All right.
Hi.
You OK? Yeah.
Look, I've got to run but I'll see you later at the pub maybe, yeah? Yeah.
See you in a bit.
Bye.
'Maybe I should accept that guys like Finn don't go out with 'girls like me.
'They want someone interesting, someone funny and clever.
'I'm not good at any of that.
' Got a light? I don't smoke.
Want a beer? What makes you think I drink? You don't smoke, you don't drink.
What do you do? 'I am good at some things, though.
' I don't want to kiss you.
Yeah, but my kiss is not on the mouth.
You wish! Oi, just a kiss! I know.
All right, let's do this! The concert was in a few hours and I had to rehearse, I had to concentrate! There were only a few pages left to bring us to the present day.
It was like moving slowly past a crumpled heap on the motorway I couldn't look away.
I know you're not the type of girl who likes to stop at a kiss.
Maybe not, I had you down as the type of man who's a bit of a bottler.
What do you mean? All mouth, no trousers.
I'm not a fucking bottler! Well, prove it.
How much could I have helped her if only I'd been a better friend? How much would be different? Come on, Chloe, we're going.
Going where? I'm not going anywhere.
Saul just tried it on with me in the toilet it was horrible! I could barely get away, we're going home.
Well, I'm fine, Rae, if you want to go, that's fine.
Whatever, Chlo.
Your friend shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth! What do you mean? Doubt she's got loads of people wanting to fuck her, she should take whatever comes along.
Get me a slice of pizza.
Rae isn't around much at the moment because she's got Liam.
So, there's no-one I can really talk to.
Well, there is one person I can go to.
One person who makes me feel safe and makes me feel good.
Oi, what's up, stud? Not much.
I broke up with Olivia.
Well, are you all right? Yeah.
Oh, my God! He's single again.
You have to tell him how you feel.
Look what happened last time tell him tell him.
Oh, God! Chloe, can I ask you something? Yeah.
How do you get over someone? How do you move on? Well, what do you mean? I broke up with her because .
.
I can't stop thinking about Rae.
Erm I don't know how you get over someone.
I'm crap at advice.
I'm crap at anything like that, really.
Maybe you never do.
Come on, let's go to the fucking pub! Take me chips with me.
Oh, shit! Ian, have you seen my purse? Ian, have you seen my purse? No.
Well, I need it because I'm going now.
Shut the fuck up, Chloe.
Ian, don't talk to me like that! Have you saw it? I said, shut the fuck up! And it's seen, stupid slag.
Come on! I'm paused here, who the fuck paused it? Do you know what, Ian? Go and find someone else to be horrible to because I'm leaving.
You'll be back.
No, I won't! Right, you don't deserve me and I deserve better.
You will be back because if I have to come and find you, I'll be very annoyed.
She's a rich girl Ooh-ah, ooh-ah Don't try to hide it Ooh-ah, ooh-ah Diamonds on the soles of her shoes Great! He's a poor boy Ooh-ah, ooh-ah Empty as a pocket, empty as a pocket With nothing to lose, sing to-na-na To-na-na To-na-na-na-na She's diamonds on the soles of her shoes To-na-na To-na-na To-na-na-na-na She's got diamonds on the soles of her shoes.
Well done! Are you happy? Yeah.
Yeah.
Greg? Happy.
Izz? Yeah.
Do you like the arrangement? I think I've got it? Yeah, what is it then? To-na-na, to-na-na-na-na Sorry I'm late.
Where have you been? Oh just just had a bug.
What's up? Nothing.
What's the matter with you? What's the matter with me? You let me down at the party.
Look, Rae You just left me stranded! I was in trouble and you did nothing! Rae, I'm really sorry, I didn't realise, I was drunk.
Can we please meet up and talk later cos there's something I'm You're supposed to be my best mate, Chloe, and you don't give a shit! Will you just listen to what I'm trying to say! I'm not your mum! I can't look after you all the time.
Stay away from me.
Rae, please! No, no No, no, no.
.
.
no, no, no! The concert was in an hour but my heart was too broken to feel afraid any more.
I was too far gone.
No cuts or burns or pinches on my body had ever gone this deep.
Because of me, because of my actions, my selfishness, Chloe was gone! Everyone, this is Rae.
She's amazing, she's funny.
So, are we going to get a chance to catch up? Have you not been in France? I don't know where she's been.
I don't break promises.
I do know she's had a breakdown though.
I did something stupid.
Stay away from them both, the whole family, they're programmed differently.
I'm not leaving you on our own.
Rae so clearly fancies Finn too but I liked him first! We just really need to talk, Rae.
It was only a kiss.
What if I didn't deserve someone good.
Rae's a beautiful person.
I'm not a fucking bottler.
I'm not bitching, I'm broken.
I'm scared if she gets sick again, I can't let that happen.
You're supposed to be my best mate, Chloe, and you don't give a shit! You don't care about anyone but yourself! I'm not your mum! It's been seven hours and 15 days Since you took your love away Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah I go out every night and sleep all day Since you took your love away Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah I went to the doctor and guess what he told me? I could put my arms around every boy I see Nine months in therapy.
Nine months, going back to the same point.
Nine months of, "You need to like yourself more, Rae.
" Well, the truth is, now I've seen things the way they are.
I've never liked myself any less than I do right now.
Because, guess what? I am a bitch! There was only one last page to read.
But I already knew exactly how this story ended.
I left a message for Chloe's parents, telling them where I thought she might have gone, where I knew she was.
Dear diary, I'm crap at most things but one thing I'm not crap at men.
I understand their appetites.
I know what they need feeding.
Like Liam says, you can't change your behaviour.
We walk the same old paths, the same old divots, the same old furrows and my paths are concreted over, my furrows are as deep as Grand Canyon's and a girl like me, well, she's got to take whatever she can get! What can I say I'm surprised and delighted to see you this evening.
I just think You sure you want to do this? Don't talk.
What are you doing? I'm turning the light off.
We're not exactly oil paintings, are we?