Nathan For You (2013) s02e06 Episode Script

My name is Nathan Fielder, and I graduated from one of Canada's top business schools with really good grades.
Now I'm using my knowledge to help struggling small business owners make it in this competitive world.
This is Nathan for You.
Women make up some of the prettiest humans in the world, and for online dating websites like Dating DNA those long-haired angels are a prize to be won.
CEO Kevin Carmony admits that attracting more female users to his site is the key to growth.
'cause right now we're probably 65% men, 35% women.
But to do this you need a thorough understanding of how the female brain works.
So I paid Kevin a visit at his penthouse suite in Irvine, California, to share my expertise.
The main reason most women are afraid to use online dating is because they think the person they meet up with could potentially be a killer and murder them.
Um, I don't know that that's a big reason that women don't sign up for dating sites.
We haven't had women contacting us, "Hey, I met this guy on your site and he was a creep and this and that happened.
" - We have enough-- - Well, you might not hear from those women because I don't think that is the-- It's certainly a concern.
The solution is Daddy's watching.
Okay.
Up until age 18, most women have a daddy keeping tabs on any man she goes out with.
But once she gets bigger, Daddy's no longer around, but danger still is.
So if Dating DNA offered a security service where female users could request to have someone secretly watch over their first dates, the website would quickly become the obvious choice for women looking to date online because they know that Daddy's watching.
Eh Seems a little condescending to me to women that Daddy has to take care of you and Daddy's watching-- I-I don't know-- Now before you say anything, you know, it might not be good on camera to say anything bad about an idea that makes women safer.
- Yes, but-- - You don't wanna look like you're not trying to make women feel safe.
Yeah.
And so that's something that might-- may make a woman feel more secure, certainly.
Kevin loved my idea.
But before he could offer it to his users, I needed to develop official guidelines for how the Daddy's watching system would work.
So I found a Dating DNA user, Kamarin, who agreed to let me try out the service on one of her first dates.
So your date will be arriving soon, and because we're trying this out for today, I'll be your daddy.
Okay.
And we also have some branding kinda elements we're trying to incorporate.
So if you're ever in fear at any time during your date, just yell out, "Daddy, Daddy, come over now.
"Save my life.
You made a vow.
" Sounds good? So do you want to practice that or-- What would happen if I just yelled, "Help"? Like, what's the significance in me-- Well, if I just hear, "Help," you know, that could be anyone.
But the Daddy rhyme, I know it's you.
Cool.
- All right.
- All right.
Thank you, Nate.
- Nathan.
- Nathan.
- Yeah, you can call me Nate.
- All right.
All right.
- Whatever.
- Thank you.
- Either way - All right.
It's casual.
With Kamarin prepped, I got into position out front of her building.
And knowing what her date looked like, I had a method to covertly vet him before he picked her up.
Hey, man, could you do me a favor? I'm just moving out of my building.
Would you be able to take a photo of me in front of my building? Um, yeah.
- Is that cool? - Yeah.
Oh, I guess I packed my camera.
I thought I had it on me.
Do you happen to have like a knife, or any weapon, anything sharp I could open the box with - I can do it with a key.
- Gun or-- Oh, key? Okay.
Where you headed? Oh, really? Cool, thanks.
Yeah, women, huh? Sometimes you wanna kiss 'em, other times you just wanna wring their necks, you know what I mean? You feel that way? Like sometimes you wanna kiss 'em, other times you wanna wring their necks.
You wouldn't? But sometimes, you know, when a girl says no she really means yes, right? Yeah? You're not a sex offender or anything? Okay.
All right, yeah.
Have a good day.
Cody seemed okay at first but just to be safe, I preserved his fingerprints from the camera so I could give them to the authorities in case things took a turn for the worse.
Moments later, they left for their date at the bowling alley, and I was sure to follow close behind.
Once they arrived, they started their game and got to know each other.
Where are you from? I'm originally from Anaheim.
I live in Westwood now.
And from a distance, it looked as though things were off to a good start.
But in case something were to happen, I had a method that allowed me to be right next to them, and completely invisible at the same time.
Disguised as a female bowler in religious garb, I was able to be within earshot of Kamarin and her date.
Ready to split things up if his strike celebrations got a little too touchy.
Fortunately, that wasn't required.
Cody seemed like a genuinely good guy, and I could tell Kamarin felt safe As she really began to open up.
If two planes brought down the two towers Uh-huh? I could see that as being feasible.
Okay.
But what brought down building number seven? Building seven.
My method was working perfectly, and after Cody returned her home unharmed, I went inside to see if Kamarin felt as good as I did about the service.
Do you feel like you felt safe - and everything? - Yeah.
Feel pretty secure.
You didn't know it was me, right? No.
Not at all.
Yeah, so That shows that I guess it worked pretty well.
Yeah.
The Daddy's watching system was a total success.
But for it to work with Dating DNA I'd need to build a staff of trained daddies who'd be as trustworthy as I am.
So I put up some fliers that offered security work.
And the next day, I met with the one guy who responded to my ad.
What would you do in this scenario? You're protecting the woman and the guy tries to kiss her.
- I'm gonna drop him.
- What does that-- If I do it hard enough, right here, and right in the glands for your windpipe, I push hard enough to-- like this.
For about thirt-- For about three seconds-- four, I can put you out.
- Cool.
- Or back here, right here.
Underneath the lobe.
But you have to go like that back here by the lobe to get it.
You know, it puts you out for about 30 seconds.
This one here puts you out for about a minute.
So you know lots of moves.
I know a couple, yeah.
Mark seemed qualified for the job, but I still needed to see him in action.
So I arranged the service for another Dating DNA user, and brought Mark with me to her home to see if he could handle his first real job as a daddy.
How you doing, Polly? Good, thank you.
- So Mark will be your daddy.
- Okay.
And he will be following you and watching you from a distance.
So just so you know, we've given Mark all your personal information.
Your address, your name, photographs, your social.
So if you go missing, he knows how to track you down.
Okay.
All right, so, yeah.
- Have a fun night, and uh, yeah.
- Thank you.
I've watched people before, so Never had a problem.
Okay.
I'm gonna protect you, watch you all the time.
Make sure-- I won't keep my eyes off you at all.
I'll protect you, make sure you get home.
And I will tuck you in bed.
I'm just gonna tuck you in bed, and I'm gone.
And make it clear that I come tuck you in.
Okay.
Mark made Polly feel safe, and that meant I could now return to Kevin and give him everything he needed to implement the Daddy's watching system nationwide.
It felt so good to help a struggling business.
But I left that day knowing that I also helped make the world a safer place.
Hey, I just-- I moved away from here.
If you don't mind-- you give me a couple seconds.
I just wanted--take a picture 'cause I moved.
Oh, um, I don't have a camera.
Camera's in here.
Sorry? Okay.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
- No, come here.
- Oh, it's fine.
Stay right here.
No, come here.
Whoop.
I assume most of you are impressed by how much I accomplish every week on my show.
Which is why I get so many people asking me how I stay so productive.
Well, the secret is finding that one thing that motivates you more than anything else.
And for me that thing is fear of embarrassment.
When I need to stay motivated to complete a task, such as writing my first screenplay-- a passion project I've been working on-- I'll often set up a camera and take a photo of myself in an embarrassing position, like posing as the meat in a human hot dog.
I'll then print out the photo and place it in an envelope addressed to my grandma, someone who I'd never want to see me this way.
Next, I'll hand-deliver the shameful photo to a nearby notary who I instruct to mail it out if, and only if, I don't show proof of my completed screenplay in two weeks time.
With the real pressure of disappointing my grandma upon me, my ability to focus on my work goes way up.
And I find I'm able to complete my goals in record time.
Then all it takes is presenting my completed work to the notary to reclaim my letter.
Thank you so much.
It's been surprisingly effective in motivating me, and I wondered if this technique could help others as well.
So I put an ad on Craigslist seeking people who are trying to lose weight-- something a lot of Americans struggle with-- and I got several responses from people who claim to have tried everything.
I've got horrible eating habits.
So I lose weight then gain weight, lose weight-- It's hard for me to even find a diet that's something that I would stick to.
So it was time to see if fear of embarrassment could work for them.
Who's someone in your life you wouldn't want to look bad in front of? I guess my kids.
What's something that you think you wouldn't want them to see? That I was having an affair or something and was going to leave their mom.
So what would be the photo? If that were the line I was going down, it'd probably have to be like me in bed with another woman that wasn't my wife.
Fred decided the best motivator for him to lose weight would be a photo of him having an affair.
So I had him pose in a bed with a model I hired and took a photo to make it look like he was caught cheating on his wife.
Then I put it in an envelope addressed to his children that would be sent out if he didn't shed 5 pounds over the next two weeks.
I tailored similar motivators for each of the other participants.
Gina, a schoolteacher, agreed that a letter to her principal that reads, "I'm a little baby and I love to pee and poo," accompanied by a photo of her giving two middle fingers, would be sufficient incentive for her to drop those pounds.
Trici, a legal assistant, decided that addressing an embarrassing photo to one of the lawyers at her firm would help her out.
And George, a retired war veteran, thought my approach would actually work for him.
I like that situation.
- You would do this? - I would do that.
- Absolutely.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Well, do you want me to get the costume? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Let's do it.
And after getting George dressed up as the human hot dog, I snapped his photo Okay, look over here.
then printed out a copy for him to address to his mother, someone he didn't want to embarrass himself in front of.
That would wake her up, yeah.
Definitely.
And after weighing each of them in, I gave them two weeks to lose 5 pounds.
So we'll check in later to see how they did.
But first Veronique Assouline is one of Beverly Hills' premiere party planners.
And she has big hopes of taking her company, Veronique Events, to the next level.
My wish is to be a bigger company with a lot of artistic directors and, you know, a whole crew.
But to do this, she's going to need something that makes her different than everyone else.
So I paid Veronique a visit to see if I could help.
Hey.
Oh, jeez-- When someone's having a party, the biggest stress comes from who to invite.
- Absolutely.
- I mean, sometimes There are just people you don't want to invite.
Yes.
But you don't want them to know you didn't invite them Because then they'll hate you.
But you don't want them to know that you don't like them.
- Right? - Yeah.
But the thing is, you have to make choices.
But maybe you don't.
These days, most party invitations are sent as a digital invite through email.
So if it was possible to develop a technology that could send certain people's invites directly to their spam folder, Veronique's clients could invite everyone they know to a party, while guaranteeing their undesired guest won't show up.
And if confronted after the event by that guest, they could simply say, "I did invite you.
Did you check your spam?" That is a ga-- great trick.
I mean, as the only party planner to provide this service, you would get everyone wanting you to plan their party.
You know, I want to see how it works.
I would love to have this information.
And then if I have the use, yes.
Why not using it? Before Veronique could offer this service to her clients, I'd first need to create the technology to make it work.
So I hired a software engineer named Chris, who built me a custom invitation system to execute my idea.
All right, so this is the invitation form.
- Right.
- And then on this side you enter the emails with your desired guests and your undesired guests.
So the emails in here go where? The desired guests emails will be sent to the inbox.
But with the undesired guests I just put a whole bunch of spam words in that email, sent it through a foreign server that was located in russia.
- So that makes it go to spam-- - Yeah.
So that makes it go to spam.
And what words did you use? Um, I used "Viagra", "penis", "penis enlargements", I put everything from 1-inch penis all the way to 10-inch penis.
Why 1-inch penis? Uh, because it's just more to put in there.
'cause I've seen spam for like, 8-inch penis, - 9-- - Yeah.
But I've never seen someone-- a spam email say, like, "Do you want a 1-inch penis?" But yeah.
It seems like you did a good job.
Yeah.
Chris sent a test invite to my email and it seemed to work great with the hidden keywords directing it straight to my spam folder.
There it is.
So the next day, I returned to Veronique to show her what I had developed.
Oh! Oh, sorry, sorry.
Jesus Christ.
The program will add hidden words to those emails that will make them go directly to spam.
- Oh.
- There's "penis", "rolex"-- I mean the idea is-- - Uh, "penis enlargement" - Oh.
"Viagra", "8-inch penis", "9-inch penis", "10-inch penis", - "11-inch penis" - Good.
"Viagra penis"-- I mean, I don't need to know exactly-- Is it important for me to know all this information? If any of your clients ask, you should know.
No, nobody would be interested.
Well, some people might want to know how it works.
It's interesting science.
Veronique was impressed.
But in order to show her the psychological impact my system would have, I decided to throw a small party at my place and put someone that I know on the undesired guest list.
For this, I chose Salomon, who works on my show, because I knew it would hurt his feelings if he found out he wasn't invited.
So after sending the invites, I headed home to prepare for my party.
My plan was to take photos of the event, and then post them online so Salomon would see he missed out on a really fun party.
Unfortunately, the few desired guests I invited said they couldn't make it on such short notice.
But I still felt Veronique and I were enough to have a party.
Do you speak French, Or is it just the accent you do? No, I speak French.
Oh, okay.
And I don't want to be rude, but I really have to leave soon so With Veronique on the verge of leaving, I was hopeful the entertainment I hired would turn things around-- a professional Bill Gates impersonator who I'd worked with in the past.
It's really great to be here.
There's nothing like a party.
You know, uh You work hard all your life, especially trying to get Microsoft working.
I mean, Microsoft.
What would we have done without it? In the office days-- older office days, in the '80s, you had big computers in a room.
I mean, enormous.
And look at the technology now.
It takes a inventive mind To run and invent this Microsoft.
And I'm very happy.
After Bill's performance the party had reached its peak, so the only thing left to do was take some photos of the event before Veronique had to go.
And after an hour of getting to know the man behind Bill Gates-- Why were you circumcised twice? Well, the first time, um there was a problem with the foreskin.
I wrapped things up, and the next day, I posted my party pics on Facebook, where I was sure Salomon would see them.
With everything in place, It was now time to test the impact of my idea.
So I brought Veronique into the office for her to see it all unfold.
Why didn't you come? Uh, didn't know about it.
Oh, really? Yeah, I didn't know about it.
I invited you.
I didn't see the You check your spam? I'm gonna check right now.
- Yeah, it went to, uh, spam.
- Oh That's too bad.
Did you think for a sec that I didn't invite you or-- - Yeah, I thought.
Yes.
- You thought - I didn't invite you.
- Yes.
- But really - It was the email's fault.
It was the email's fault, yeah.
All right.
Cool.
Well, catch you later then.
Okay.
Huh? - Good.
- Pretty good, huh? Yep.
So he thought at first I didn't like him.
- Yeah.
- But then he realized, "Oh, it was just the email's fault.
" - Yeah.
- And he didn't come - to the party.
- Yeah.
So you going to use it or I mean, let me check first, on a few-- You saw his reaction, right? - Yeah, the reaction--I mean-- - Pretty good.
The reaction was what you expect on paper but, um Yes, exactly.
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Oh, did you want a hug or anything or - No, it's okay, I'm good.
- Okay.
- Thank you very much - I'll see you later.
Bye.
It's been two weeks since Gina, Trici, Fred and George committed to losing weight using fear of embarrassment.
So it was finally time to come back to the office to see if they each met their goal of losing 5 pounds.
Before, Fred, you were 270.
Now you're 257.
You lost 13 pounds.
Wow.
I don't believe it.
That's wild.
I was blown away.
My method seemed to help everyone meet their goal, except for one person.
Oh, my God.
Traci was a pound shy of the 5 we agreed upon.
I thought I lost it.
And that meant I had to uphold my end of the bargain, and send her embarrassing photo to an attorney at the law firm she worked at.
My God.
So the next day, I met Trici at her office to give her emotional support as she hand-delivered her letter to one of the firm's founding partners.
I wanna introduce you to a friend of mine.
- This is Nathan.
- Hi, Nathan.
- Hi.
- Good to see you.
- This is Michael.
- Good to meet you.
The attorney that works in our office, in our firm.
What's your relationship with-- with her? Well, Trici's been involved in a new type of weight loss program.
Oh.
Unfortunately, she didn't meet her recent goal, and she has something that she needs to show you.
But before she does, I just want you to promise me that you won't pass any judgment on her.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
- So Trici, did you want to - Yes.
You want me to show him? Well, it's your thing.
It's not me.
- This is it.
- Okay.
Wow.
Wow.
- I see what you mean.
- This-- Uh, okay.
Um Well, let me say this.
- To submit something like this - Mm-hmm.
to a Jewish member of the firm-- a long-standing member here for 35 years-- is very hard for me to think kindly of you or to give you the benefit of the doubt.
At first, Michael didn't seem to get it.
But after some explaining, he could finally accept Trici's approach.
It's a tactic to get me to lose weight, to help me to motivate me to lose weight.
Anyone that did hate Jews wouldn't care about that photo being sent out.
So you're saying these are not your sentiments? Sir, clearly, I'm letting you know I do not hate Jews.
- Okay.
- And I'm sorry if I came She really-- under the wrong pretenses to you-- Okay.
If it's for weight loss And she explained it clearly, like she did a few minutes ago-- - Mm-hmm.
- then I would accept it.
It's a motivator.