Newsreaders (2013) s02e06 Episode Script

Tonight on "Newsreaders".
Ever wonder who carves his name in every men's-restroom toilet seat? It's this guy, and he'll tell you why he can't stop.
Also, we'll tell you how eating popcorn can lower your risk of cancer.
- It can't.
- Biscayne: All that and chores Tonight on "Newsreaders"! Newsreaders - 02x06 Go Nadz Newsreaders - 02x06 Talkin' News Americans are obsessed with cars one guy I know has two of them.
And people are always sticking things on their cars, from "Baby On Board" signs to the things that help make babies.
Testicles? Narge Hemingway has that story.
Americans love cars more than anything even the ones made by Koreans.
And these days, the thing Americans really love to do with cars is put testicles on them.
Car and truck testicles started as a trend in rural America.
But these days, people everywhere can be seen hanging brain on their rides.
But who is the brains behind the brains behind your car? His name is Jake Lasterberg.
That name is probably familiar to you, especially if you grew - up with a lot of Jews.
- Well, I was a mechanical - engineering major in college.
- Sure.
- And I love testicles.
- Of course.
So, you came up with the idea to put balls on cars and trucks.
Yup.
Everybody loves balls.
- Seemed like a no-brainer.
- A no-brainer, or a not-his-brainer? Jake Lasterberg's former friend Tommy Goldman says Go Nadz are his nads, and he's suing in court, just like you'd see in a fancy Broadway play or some movie about lawyers and courts and whatnot.
He's making a fortune off of the mold of my nuts.
- Mm.
- And I haven't seen a dime.
They're selling them online, at car washes.
They sell them at a mall kiosk like they're cellphone cases.
- Wow.
- It's like stealing my genital - identity.
- Your ball prints.
- Yeah.
- So so, these? - Yup.
- These? - Yeah, those.
- Even the blue ones? Yeah, well, we were in a fraternity, so we were constantly painting each other's genitals.
In legal documents obtained by "Newsreaders," because we asked for them and they were given to us and they're also on the Internet, Tommy alleges that while he and Jake were in a fraternity together, Jake made multiple reproductions of - Tommy's reproductives.
- Did I like Tommy's nuts? Sure.
I admired all my brothers' nuts.
That's what being in a fraternity is all about.
I plaster-casted a lot of junk in college.
So, just to clarify, you and your college buddies are kind of sitting around, it's a weekend, maybe you're watching something - on the tube - (Laughs) - Yeah, sounds like us.
- Uh-huh.
And and then you're slathering cold, wet plaster on - another guy's scrotum.
- We would plastercast each others' junk all the time.
I'm not disputing that.
It's just something we loved to do.
Jake, is the model for Go Nadz Tommy Goldman's nutsac? Look, I learned a lot about testicles in college - Well, we all did.
- And Tommy's got a nice pair of rocks, but Go Nadz is my creation.
Is Tommy a liar? Is Jake a fraud? And why do they both have little-kid gangster names? Two out of three of these questions were decided here, in court.
And we were there for the trial.
Angela, you and Tommy dated off and on throughout college.
- Yes.
- Is it safe to say that you - are familiar with his testicles? - Oh, very much.
I would spend hours working his nutsac.
Angela, are these Tommy's testicles? Um, I'm not sure from sight alone.
We would keep the lights off during sex for traditional - reasons.
- Because you can't orgasm unless you imagine yourself alone, shooting across the - galaxy in a rocket-bed? - More like a magic carpet, - but, yes, precisely.
- Bailiff, lights, please.
Angela, I ask you once again, are these Tommy's testicles? And I remind you that you're under oath.
Mmm Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
(Muffled) These are definitely Tommy's testicles.
- Mm-hmm.
For sure.
- Thank you, Angela.
- Lights, please.
- Yes! No further questions, Your Honor.
The prosecution made a good case for Tommy's "inner-leg-tual" property, but Jake Lasterberg and Go Nadz had - assembled a legal dream team.
- Now, Mr.
Van Frunt, you're something of a testicle expert, no? Not no yes.
I authored what is considered the gold standard on testicular representations in art.
EW gave it pretty close to a bull's-eye.
Now, Dr.
Van Frunt, are Go Nadz modeled after - Tommy Goldman's ball bag? - No.
Go Nadz were clearly based on the classic Greek sculpture - Victorious Youth.
- No more questions, - Your Honor.
- Tommy's case was thrown out.
The corporate Goliath had beaten the tiny David with a gold sack full of money sack as in "ball sack," b-because that's what this this whole thing was about.
Jake, you really destroyed Tommy in there.
I'm sorry that Tommy feels so wronged, but Go Nadz did not steal from him.
And just like how we had to shut down Trailer Sacks, Bumper Junk, and Sacks 5th Avenue, we - have a product to defend.
- So, what about Tommy Goldman? Well, like many stories about testicles, this one has a happy - ending.
- I'm making a lot of money - now.
- Wow.
Yeah.
I started my own auto-accessory company.
- I'm calling it Goldman's Sac.
- So, you named your company - after your own leather purse - That's right, Narge.
- What's the hook? - You mean besides being a perfect reproduction of a fantastic set o' bells? - Right.
- Realism.
- Realism? - Our vehicular testes expand and contract with the temperature.
- Hmm.
- Biscayne: That's our report for tonight.
I'm Reagan Biscayne.
Good night.
Wow.
I know what I'm gonna be thinking the next time I see a set of Go Nadz.
Now, just like you, we have finished watching "Newsreaders," so let's get to gabbin' about some of the watercooler moments from tonight's episode.
I'm Tark Jones.
Joining us here at the watercooler are Samsung boost spokesperson Rob Riggle and Ingrid Gagerstown, from "Childrens Hospital.
" Welcome, guys.
Now, Rob, I know you're a "Newsreaders" superfan.
- Yes.
- So, how about tonight's - super balls? - Tark, can I just say, "wow"? I did not see Jake getting away with that.
Ingrid, what were your thoughts? (Speaking Swedish) That's a good point.
I'm expecting a lot of talk about how Jake owes Tommy something for planting the seed - of the idea.
- Ah, but does he? - Exactly.
- Does he? I mean, that's the question, you know? We don't know! Maybe maybe he does.
But the thing is Maybe he doesn't.
- Think about that.
- Yeah.
- Huh? - Two ways of looking at it, - right, Ingrid? - (Speaking Swedish) I am so happy you said that because I've got a theory, and it's blowing up on Reddit right now, that Jake only has one - ball, so that - Ohhh, yes! - That's why he stole Tommy's! - You get it.
- Ohh! - Well, the conversation's just getting started, so let's bring out our next guest.
I cannot believe he is here.
I can't believe it's his first time on "Talking News.
" Get ready for Skip Reming! Oh, man! (Cheers and applause) (Cheers and applause stop) Want to have a seat? Now, how is it even possible that this is your first time on Tallking News? How is it even possible that this is a television show? Hey, blondie.
- Where have you been all my wife? - (Laughing) He said "wife" instead of "life"! Classic Skip Reming! Awesome.
So awesome.
Now, Skip, you have so much experience in the world of news.
- How do you put a story together? - Well, back in the day, we did it on an underwood typewriter with a cameraman who was a tailgunner and some Tequila made from rice.
Okay.
Okay.
How about tonight's story? - Talk to us about Go Nadz.
- Listen blue jeans, I go to work, I keep my head down, but I know one thing if a man steals my jelly bag and gets away with it, then it was his to begin with.
Let me ask you something, kitten.
Are you a damsel in distress? 'Cause I'd like to get you out of "dis" dress.
(Laughs) Where do you come up with these - old-timey lines, Skip? - Eh, not now kid.
I'm mating.
(Speaking Swedish) Ah.
Well, she's right.
I love you, Skip, but, uh, your breath has got a little bit of - the old Dr.
Funkenstein in it.
- Stop talking, smiley, and watch me take lace curtains to the cleaners.
(Speaking Swedish) We're on the same page now.
(Smooches) The man's a legend.
What can I tell you? He's a legend.
Now let's take it to the audience see if anyone has any questions.
- You there.
- I have a question for Skip.
Are there any spoilers for next week? What? You're asking what next week's news is going to be? What's the matter with you? I can jump in on this, if that's all right.
- Yeah.
- Next week, uh, two supreme court justices are gonna be implicated in fixing greyhound racing.
Also, there's a leadership battle in Al-Qaeda around the Arabian peninsula for reals.
Wow.
This might be the best episode we've ever done.
I am nerding out superhard right now.
That is all the time we have, but I want to thank my guests.
Skip Reming, Rob Riggle, Ingrid Hagerstown.
Any final words? Rob.
Uh, well thanks for having me.
And, uh, can, can I plug my jet ski academy? - Absolutely.
- Hey, Rob Riggle's jet ski academy.
We're living la vida loca! - Great.
Skip? - Well, this whole, uh, thing has been, uh, confusing and a bigger waste of time than voting.
Oh, I'd also like to plug my - jet ski academy.
- Great.
Ingrid.
(Speaking Swedish) Jet ski academy.
Thank you all so much for being here.
We'll see you next week on "Talking News.
" - (Speaks Swedish) - Yeah, I love your tants.
- (Speaking Swedish) - Yeah.
Okay, kiddo.
- Yeah.
You were good.
- Thanks, Skip.
- Yep.
(Grunts) - You okay, Skip? - Huh? - You okay? Yeah.
Yeah.
- (Speaking Swedish) - (Laughs) - Skip! Skip! - Judo! - I haven't lost it.
- That's right, Skip.
- (Speaking Swedish) - Uh, judo.
He juggles, too.