Night Court (1984) s02e06 Episode Script

Okay, Thursday's out.
How about Friday? Can't.
I'm going to the basketball game.
- Saturday? - I got hockey tickets.
And I guess Sunday it's synchronized swimming in Newark.
As a matter of fact, I'm kind of free on Sunday.
- But I'd really love to go to that Jets game.
- Then it's a date.
You mean, you got tickets? But it's been sold out for two weeks.
I'll get them.
I got the sources.
Then afterwards, we go up to my place, we light a fire and we'll roast things.
Sounds perfect.
It's gonna be close.
See you later.
Ciao, baby.
Hey, how about a shave, my treat.
Selma, this is Andy.
He's my son.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Bye now.
- Take care.
- See you.
I didn't hear that.
I didn't see that.
It didn't happen.
Hey, Mac, I'd like you to meet Andy.
- He's my son.
- Hi, Mac.
Oh, get out of here, you got a kid.
How come I haven't seen him before today? I haven't seen him before today myself.
Oh, I get it.
A blast from the past, huh? - Hey, guys.
- Hi.
Hey, Harry.
- Who's that? - Guess.
Well, offhand, I'd go with a small human.
Every time he does that, I get chills.
- Your Honor, I'd like you to meet Andy.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- The Volunteer Fathers' Organization just gave him to me.
So, what are you guys up to? We just played basketball.
Beat nine guys in the park.
It was easy.
Feed Bull, stuff, feed Bull, stuff.
We got quite a team here, people.
Can I see your courtroom now, Bull? I kind of told him I ran things.
Well, you kind of do.
Listen, if no one's around, is it okay if we bang your gavel? - Have a ball.
- Thanks, Harry.
Hit the flight deck.
Hey, Bull, if I were you, I'd think about having that growth removed.
You must be Fielding.
My reputation precedes me, huh? So does your nose.
Listen, punk, don't you ever change.
You're marvelous.
I love you.
Get out of here.
Do you know what you are? Alive.
Boy, I'll tell you, Mac, that is one heck of a sweater you got on today.
I'm not giving up my tickets, Dan.
- Please.
- Dan, don't beg.
I don't mind.
I told you, no.
I wanna go to the game myself.
I'm taking my grandfather, who's been looking forward to this a long time.
Your grandfather? He's almost 80 years old.
One exciting play could kill him.
Dan, no.
Fine, go ahead, play God.
Whoa, these are neat binoculars.
I use them to check out cheerleaders when I'm at ball games.
Use what? Excuse us, will you, Selma? This is guy talk.
So sorry.
Let me go hang myself in the toilet.
Next case, Your Honor.
Arthur Hubble.
Assault and battery.
Hi there, Mr.
Hubble.
Are you okay? I hate Central Park in autumn.
I hate the UN Building.
I hate bridges.
It says here you're an employee of the City Tourism Bureau.
I hate New York.
Your Honor, Mr.
Hubble was on his way to a seminar on subway hospitality when he was mugged outside city hall.
They took everything.
My wallet, my keys, my cash.
And after pleading with several passersby for bus fare Mr.
Hubble attempted to panhandle from a group of Japanese tourists.
- They turned him down.
- And? He mugged them.
The State wishes to submit evidence.
We have affidavits from the victims, some shredded yen and over 70 action-packed photographs of the incident.
I hate tourists.
Isn't that a little inconsistent with your job? - I hate my job.
- Got it.
I hate you.
Well, I saw that one coming.
It'll be 10 days, and a $500 fine.
Have a nice day.
It's chow time, people.
Hi, Bull.
- Started the math homework? - I'm on the last page.
They only gave you one page.
- How'd you know? - I know everything.
Now hit it.
- Thanks for yelling at me, Bull.
- I wasn't yelling.
Hey, it's okay.
It feels good to have a father tell me I mean, to have you tell me what to do.
- I miss that.
- Really? Yeah.
Bull I wish you were my father.
Yeah, well Move your butt and get a jump on that math.
"Move your butt.
" Nobody ever said that to me before.
Of course, nobody ever lifted a Volvo for me before either.
What do you mean you can't get me a pair, Norm? You're a scalper.
Wait, you know what? I read in the paper that the owner of the team every week, sends an allotment of tickets over to this orphans' home in Queens.
Maybe you could Later, Norm.
- Well? - Well.
Did you get the tickets? Almost.
Dan, no ticky, no Candy.
Not to worry.
I'm on it.
Now what, Sydney? Now what? I'm sorry.
Don't ever change.
You're marvelous.
I love you.
Get out of here.
Yo.
Your Honor.
- Bail reports.
- Thanks, Selma.
You weren't kidding when you said recess, were you? Come on.
Inside.
- Brace yourself.
- For what? I just caught Andy here sneaking out of the ladies' room.
Oh, Andy.
Little curious about the opposite sex, are we? Harry, he is the opposite sex.
He's what? He's a girl.
Well, rope my feet and call me doggie.
Yes.
I know.
Yes, Mom, I know I've got some explaining to do.
Take a number.
Bye.
So how about that space shuttle, huh? We're waiting.
None of the volunteer fathers' places would take girls, so I faked them out.
I thought you had to take a parent, go down there and talk to the social workers.
You do.
I just found a bag lady at Penn Station and paid her to go with me.
That's where smart people go shopping for mothers.
So nice meeting you.
- Where you going? - To get my books.
- I can wait for my mom out front.
- Wait a minute.
What about Bull? - Just tell him I said I'm sorry.
- You tell him.
I can't.
He'll be crushed.
He'll be crushed.
He'll be devastated.
He'll fall on somebody.
- I gotta go.
- Get back here, sister.
You may like the big galoot, but I love him.
And when he's depressed, he moans.
Not loud, but low, like this: And I'm the only one who can hear him when he does it.
And I'm not gonna go through months of that for anybody.
Sit down.
- Attaboy.
- Girl.
Whatever.
Uh-uh.
Yo.
Hi, guys.
Hi, Bull.
- Bull.
Hey, Your Honor.
You wanna kick Billie and Selma out so we can tell dirty jokes? - We better wait - I just heard one about three Swedish nurses in a canoe.
- Yeah - How'd they get in the canoe? - It doesn't matter.
Anyway - Bull.
Okay, later.
Andy, I got you a present.
The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
Listen, Bull.
Ta-da! Let's move some of the furniture back.
Maybe tomorrow we can go out to the park and run a few plays.
You never know, the kid could grow up and play pro ball.
In East Germany maybe.
Did I miss something? I'm afraid so, Bull.
You're on.
My name is Stella.
Kind of has a nice ring to it, right? Right.
Bull.
I'm a girl.
Get out of here.
Bull, it's true.
Timber.
We've done it, now.
Take it easy.
- Sir, if this is one of your dumb jokes - It is no joke, Bull.
Billie saw her in the ladies' room.
She is without.
But this can't be.
I mean, I met you and your mom at Penn Station.
That wasn't my mom.
She doesn't know I've been doing this.
I've been lying to her.
I've been lying to everybody.
- Why would you do a thing like that to me? - Because you went looking for a son.
They all come looking for sons.
And I thought when I met you that You know, you were so excited, and I thought What? - That I looked like a pretty good chump? - Bull, please.
Here, take it.
Maybe you can dress it up like a doll.
Hey, it's not as bad as all that.
There, did anybody hear that? Hey, what's Bull so upset about? Oh, we seem to have had a change in gender.
Which one? I think I know where that big ape is going.
Bull? Bull.
Bull! Don't ever do that again.
Why does it always happen to me? I don't know, Bull.
Couldn't we go someplace more down? All the time we spent, all the stuff we did I never had any idea.
Bull, you only met her today.
You can't know anybody really well unless you spend a lot of time together or, you know, you go through something traumatic.
- My hand.
- What? My hand.
Take my damn hand.
I'll never see Vertigo again.
Your Honor, if you don't mind, I'd like to be alone.
This is my private spot.
I got an idea.
Let's hit the cafeteria.
They got food.
They got hot coffee.
They got a ceiling.
I'd stay here, sir.
It's so peaceful.
A man can think.
What's that up there? Maybe you better come back here for humanitarian reasons, huh? If you're gonna lecture me, get it over with.
I'm not gonna lecture you, Bull.
Okay, but it's a real short one.
Now, when I saw you two together I could tell that you were real happy with each other.
- It's just not the same anymore.
- Well, it is for her.
She needs a father in her life.
Wasn't it pretty obvious how much it meant to her? I don't know anything about girls, Your Honor.
They don't do the same stuff boys do.
They always make those little circles over the I's when they write letters.
They go to the bathroom in groups.
And they have You know, they have - Peaks and valleys? - Thank you.
Yeah.
And sometimes they get a raw deal out of life just like boys do.
I just can't do the same things with her, Harry.
Come on, that's not the important stuff, Bull.
Above the earth is stretched the sky No higher than the soul is high The earth stands out from side to side No wider than the heart is wide We were gonna write our names in the snow.
That you would have to give up, yeah.
Candy? That you, honey? No, dear, it's just me.
Oh.
You really feel that bad about the game? Ah! No, don't bother getting up.
I'm sure it's nothing.
Listen.
You want those tickets, you can have them.
Really? That's great, Mac.
Thank you so much.
What a pal.
- I gonna have to charge you.
- Yes, indeed, of course.
Danny would not expect a freebie, not for something this big.
No way.
Okay, how much? A thousand dollars.
- A thousand dollars? - Grandpa really wanted to see that game.
A thousand American dollars? Course, if you found tickets someplace else No.
I'll pay it.
- That was - A thousand.
Yeah, yeah.
Just checking.
You have a good time, now, you hear? You bet I will.
Row 107.
That's kind of high, isn't it? I've got binoculars in my desk if you want them.
- Hey, that's great.
Thanks.
- Ten dollars.
- Say what? - To rent the binoculars.
You have got to be kidding.
Oh, but there's a sale over at the sporting-goods store right across the street.
You can pick up a pair just like mine for $89.
95.
So you want the parking pass, or you gonna take her on the bus? Mom's been dating now and then, but if they're single, they're creeps or they're dull.
- Tell me about it.
- Tell me about it.
- How's Bull? - Well, we talked.
He hates me, right? Actually, I don't think it's in Bull to hate anyone.
Though I am filling him in on Barry Manilow.
- Honey? - Oh, hi, Mom.
What's going on? Are you in some kind of trouble? - What on earth have you done to your hair? - I'm Judge Stone.
Hello.
I've got 32 more questions.
Do any of them involve your girl pretending to be a boy? Thirty-three.
Mom, I got a volunteer father.
I beg your pardon? I got a father.
We played basketball in the park, and he helped me with my homework.
Uh.
- Are you okay? - I have this problem with sudden shocks.
There he is, Ma.
Good example.
Bull, wait.
I just wanted to say goodbye.
That's okay.
I understand.
It's like buying something and discovering when you get home that they put the wrong thing in the box, isn't it? Hey, I'd be upset too.
Here.
Hope whoever you get likes football.
Let's go, Mom.
Well, listen, I'd like to apologize if any of this has been an inconvenience.
Of course, I don't know what any of this is.
It's no problem.
In fact, we kind of liked having Andy around.
- Andy? - It was either that or Opie.
Well, goodbye.
- See you, kid.
- Bye, kid.
Stella! Let Brando top that.
- What? - Move your butt.
I reacted when I found out you were a girl because l'm warped.
- Oh, my God.
- It's all right.
He doesn't mean what he says.
Bull, I was gonna tell you, I swear.
I mean, we would have gone swimming.
It would have been hard to explain my suit.
- Shut up.
- Yes, sir.
I went funny in the head because all I'd been thinking about was myself.
How I'd act with a son.
How I'd be the envy of all the guys who didn't have one.
How I'd feel good when we were together.
Somewhere along the way I forgot all about the kid I was supposed to be helping.
- But you wanted a son.
- I wanted someone to take care of.
I know now it doesn't matter if that someone is a boy or a girl or a toad.
So is that someone anywhere around here? She couldn't be any closer.
If he hadn't said "toad," I'd be in tears.
- Great news.
- Great news.
You first.
My brother went to school with one of the Jets, and he got me a field pass.
- What's yours? - I'm gonna go buy a big shovel and beat myself in the head until I'm bloody.
Deal.
Yo.
Company.
Hey, come on in.
Look at that.
Isn't she cute? Pretty.
Look at that.
Boy in a dress, big deal.
- What's up? - We're going to the opera tonight.
- Oh, that's great, Bull, really.
That's sweet.
Getting late.
Gotta change.
See you later.
Yeah, you kids have fun, now.
Wow, four of a kind.
Good luck, Fielding.